Things do happen for a reason…

Yesterday on my way into the city for meetings and interview, even as the train broke down I sat in relative peace…felt peaceful because it hit me; even though we don’t always agree with what happens and things hurt us and are generally difficult or even ridiculous, after a while you realise that they occurred for a reason.

It may not have been part of your grand plan. May not have been what you expected, but as things unfold you get A HA moments and in that moment you know there really is a higher power (in whatever form you believe in) working behind the scenes.

I am starting to get more of the A ha moments; a learning and realisation. I love that feeling, when it does come to you and you smile to yourself with a knowing, a contentment.

Life is by no means easy right now, not alot has changed but things are moving and I am becoming acutely aware of things I never used to pay attention to. I now find myself realising the incredible waste of focusing on the past and looking too far into the future because in that you lose today. And that is something you can never get back once its is gone.

The experience with the men I have dated lately (bar one who showed me how a man can behave respectfully and he is still my friend), each time I have come to a greater acceptance that it is better to be alone than with someone who disrespects or abuses you or really only thinks about themselves. I want a relationship but I don’t need it.  I know what I deserve and I would treat my partner with love and respect, I would do anything; for the right person. It needs to be mutual. And they have made me realise how my pining for Joe over all these months (even writing to him at times still) was a ridiculous waste of time because even if he did come back, he was not the person I thought I knew and loved and he would never change and never be able to give me what I deserve; real love and respect, kindness and care and friendship. It is like the universe kept giving me the same kind of men and saying ‘learn the lesson. Toughen up, be wise and do what is right for you’ and at the same time it finally hit me that even though I was madly in love with him and thought he was different, Joe was those kinds of men but even more extreme and wrong.

I remember Joe (the yank narcissist) used to say; “I know how to treat a good woman”, “I want a relationship where you do everything together and have each others back no matter what” (I came to realise what the ‘no matter what’ entailed!) but with all of his mantras he was only prepared to be with someone that did things his way, acquiesced to his needs and desires, under his complete control, a woman who didn’t have a mind of her own and was happy to say “yes Joe, no Joe, how far do you want me to bend over the cliff Joe?” Anyway, that is done. I did in a drunken stupor text him very recently but now I am really done. I guess I will refer to him now and then, what happened with him was a great leveller, it broke me down, made me go in and deep, searching me and why things in my life were as they were, I questioned…stripped down to bare and dealed.  It has taken many months to rebuild and open my eyes.

But they are wide open now.

I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.  Even though the interview I had yesterday with a wonderful international company; which was  teleconferenced with a Manager overseas and here in Australia seemed to go well something tells me I may not have got the job..something is not quite sitting right inside of me..I am feeling things more intuitively lately, except when I have a glass or two of wine or a Dirty martini! But that is OK, there are other options coming forward from the other meetings I had and I feel a strong pull that all of a sudden the right position will just open up. That timing is a part of it considering other factors in my life like my son and getting to spend precious time with him before I lose him. things seem to be occurring to some weird timetable…I know that may sound slightly crazy..but it seems like it…

I have been off  antidepressant medication now for 16 months and in that time I have gone through so much including another depression but this was different and there was a reason behind it and now I look back and know the likelihood of it ever happening again is very minimal because of what I have learned and worked through this time, this one was meant to be. I know I will experience profound sadness but there is difference between depression and sadness and I know I now have tools to deal that I never had before. I know myself finally. I really like me now…finally. It took nearly 50 years!:)

Love and whitelight x





Oh dear! ….Excuse the mass expletives…baring the soul

As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!

I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.

I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.

I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.

I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.

It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.

I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.

My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.

Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.

It is possible..try, try like an eagle…

It’s been a week since my last post and I have missed writing but I have kept myself busy. Things are moving forward finally, consistently, which is what I was aiming for but it took such a darn long time to get here. Time and persistence which even at my lowest, I could never quite give up even when at times I felt very close to it.

The last 5 months have been a psychological minefield, it was as if I was trying to get to the other side and the little bastard mines were setting off after so many steps forward one after the other. It had to happen. That statement may sound ridiculous but it is the truth. What started from a place of incredible hurt has turned into probably the greatest period of personal growth I have experienced in my life. The lessons learned…amazing.

The most important lesson I learned was to love myself. For most of my life I didn’t even like myself. I didn’t realise it, that I felt that way and ironically the person who made me start to think about it was ‘him’, the man that broke my heart unlike anything I have ever felt, played psychological games with my mind and pushed me to the brink.

It brought out stuff I hadn’t realised still held so much power but had remained hidden, deep in my psyche.

It took this long to go through another blinding depression and finally come out of it, without medication. This time the feeling was raw and powerful without it. For those who experience this pain for the first time and don’t get help (often because they don’t realise or fear what others will think) it’s not hard to understand how so many attempt to take their own lives. The despair, the nothingness, the pain. But for me it was more than just a depression it was a melting pot of everything that needed dealing with from deep within and if I did not do it this time my life would continue the way it always has and to me that was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

On my good days I would say to myself ‘surely there are better answers to this’ there must be a better way to get through this and deal with things so that I never allow it to take me down again. Surely everyone has the capacity to do the work and find enough inner strength to push through it, surely I must have? Because this I can not take anymore. There are very good answers out there, you just have to search for them but they are there AND you need to search within yourself, reach deep and have faith in yourself. When you come from a place of self loathing (which is often caused by acts of others long held deep) it is a very difficult things to do. Difficult but not impossible.

As I think I saw that beautiful person and actress Audrey Hepburn once quoted as saying “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

So now for me it is about continuing forward and growing stronger and self capable. I have always been capable of things but never believed enough and ended up self sabotaging by choosing relationships with the wrong people, taking the wrong turn and being impulsive.

None of that in general is abnormal. Everyone makes these mistakes, it is human and generally we learn from it. But when you operate consistently like that and there becomes a pattern of that behaviour which leads to hurt heartache and pain regularly you need to see, find what the root cause of this is.

I found mine. I am so grateful I have. There are things I know for certain will never have the power to hurt me again. For a while I may be hyper-vigilant in watching for the signs but over time as my self acceptance and love cements itself it will become second nature. That is my goal (one of many!!:)). And I will continue to write about it all because I believe we all have it within ourselves to become whole and happy and live a good and authentic life.

I am going to the gym again this morning. I am back to going regularly and it feels great and really helps my mind. I did take a slight backwards step on the weekend when I had a few too many red wines ( I enjoyed it far too much and had alot of laughs) but I knew what to watch out for the next day (Alcohol being a depressant) and I was strong enough this time to say ‘hey, you knew you were going to feel a bit blah today from the partying yesterday, eat well today, sleep some more and things will be fine tomorrow’. And it worked.

Presence of mind, mindset. All my research and reading on healing etc is paying off. Having an understanding and practicing the exercises with your mind work. You can rebuild new ways of thinking and replace the old bad patterns entrenched for years.

Better go for now, love and whitelight.

A great song for myself and all those out there who have been through some tough times lately AND for my favourite footy team (West Coast Eagles, Aussie rules football) who are in the finals and so far kicking arse!! :   (Steve Miller band, Fly like an Eagle)

It is possible, keep trying and you can rise above it all…

The younger me…free your mind…connectivity

Yesterday I posted about the Sisterhood of the World blogger award someone kindly nominated me for and even though it doesn’t appear to be an official ‘award’ as such I think it originated to enable bloggers to reach out to one another and so I participated finally (I received it a couple of weeks ago thanks to I felt chuffed that someone had thought my blog worthy of an honorable mention and wanted to pay it forward. I found it interesting as it made me investigate some of the blogs I’ve been following and some of my readers’ blogs a bit more in order for me to make my nominations. (There are some fantastic blogs out there).

I found there was a common theme of ‘connectivity’. We seem to be so disconnected in other ways these days because of technology and yet there was a huge amount of connecting going on in the blogging world. People following each others blogs and liking articles and postings, sending supportive comments to one another and it made me feel that I was part of something wonderful again. Human kindness. I hadn’t noticed that much over the days of my depression but I felt it yesterday, it hit me.

As part of my three questions to the people I nominated I asked “what piece of advice would you give your younger self today?”. I asked this because I have been referring to my younger self ‘little Roz’ (as separate from adult Roz or my outer child) the last couple of days as part of the abandonment healing exercises I have taken from Susan Anderson’s book ‘The journey from abandonment to healing’. She gets you to see your younger self separately from the adult self (I probably shouldn’t give too much away as it is a business/career for her and there are copyright issues to consider). I don’t like to spruik on this blog and I don’t get any kickback from mentioning it but as I’ve said this book is amazing in it’s accuracy (and ‘taming the outer child’ also by her). She has honestly done the work and managed to really get an understanding of the human psyche where past issues affecting future life is concerned. Abandonment is not just about being left, there is a fallout from its many forms and yes if you were abused as a child, or if your relationships have never hit the mark, or if you self sabotage or belittle yourself and your worth in this world (often resulting in depressive disorders and inability to cope) and other scenarios this may just resonate with you.

I found that my disgusting childhood experiences, subsequent relationship failures and other forms of loss including my recent choice to invest my love and trust in a narcissist again which shattered me, my inability to trust, love and nurture myself and set proper boundaries and a whole host of other things as discussed in my blog are all rooted together and formed a self deprecating, depressed hot mess of a person who has never been able to move beyond repeating circumstances until now. I have to say, I no longer accept that description I just worded of myself as such because I am starting to understand that that person did the best she could with the tools she was given and I applaud her strength and courage in the face of much adversity. It has taken me years to get here. There is still much work to be done but my mind is starting to feel a freedom it never has. I am grateful.

The approach is many pronged. I went to the gym again yesterday, I’ve been watching my diet (not dieting, I never do that I just eat well), supplements like high strength fish oils, Mega B Vitamins, super greens and other super foods and probiotics, cutting ties with certain toxic people, visiting the psych, researching depressive illnesses and becoming aware, practicing mindfulness and other things as above are all helping I feel. The biggest thing I think is my desire to take care of myself and move forward. There are still big issues in my life to contend with such as my sons degenerative illness, that is the most wrenching for me and always has been, the fact that I am getting older the work is drying up and the work landscape changing, I live in the most isolated capital city in the world an it is very expensive but I must be here for my sons,  financially this illness and time I have had away and recovering has been financial and career suicide in a sense, therefore I have to look at creating my own source of income (I’ve always wanted to anyway). But realistically I am getting my health and strength of mind back and that is everything to move on with and be grateful for.

My fellow bloggers give me a source of hope and inspiration as well, we live in interesting times…there is much to enjoy and learn:)

Finding peace…hitting the limit…no holding back now..

When I started to write this it was a beautiful bright sunny morning, only 14 degrees Celsius and lovely. To sit and recognise something as simple as the sunshine and to stop and appreciate it keeps you in the moment. And that is imperative when you are trying to mend a mind that tends to ruminate and is recovering from deep depression amongst other things.

I had taken some bad steps back in the last week or so but it was necessary and understandable and I am going to write about it because this blog is about my journey to inner peace, moving forward, overcoming life’s obstacles and living authentically and maybe it may resonate with someone out there as I have said before. And it helps to write. I can’t talk to people here, friends, about it they have reached their limit of care and I don’t want to burden them anyway. Most don’t give a toss and that is fair enough.

I slept well last night, I went to bed satisfied for a change. I watched my Aussie rules football team absolutely kick arse. They are now 2nd on the ladder and in the finals yipppeee.  I am a mad keen West Coast Eagles fan, have been from the start win or lose. I am no fair-weather fan! My sons would take a wide berth if the game was on TV, they would laugh and say ‘mum you are crazy, they can’t hear you through the TV screen!’

I realised last night if I could apply that same passion for my footy team towards many other things I would be out of the hole by now. What a dichotomous thing. But in fairness to myself (and I am trying to do that regularly, be fair to myself) there have been bloody good reasons why I haven’t. And now I am fully aware of it and working on it.

I went to the gym yesterday. I was finally well enough to after the flu and I was so glad I did. The experience was different because this time I enjoyed it knowing it was for me..not trying to get myself all gorgeous for ‘him’, it was for me and my mind and health and when that demon tried to intrude in my thoughts I politely told him to f#%k off and I upped my pace!

My Psych session Friday was draining. I hadn’t seen her for a little while and there was a lot to discuss. I had more recently had flashbacks of some pretty disgusting repressed memories from childhood and that had floored me for days and I found myself clinging to the memory of him and the ridiculous idealisation of that classless blood sucking vampire because as they say ‘better the devil you know’, clinging to false memories of him was safer than to deal with the visions of my repressed memories.

I now realise how he managed to get into my brain, I was ripe for the picking and he knew it. I shared with him things I had never with anyone and he used it and played it well but I am on to him now, really onto him and I no longer want to  play. The game is over. He is as good as dead to me.  I have hit my limit.

I have decided that I can not forgive certain people for the pain they have caused me and I am so fed up with the bullshit that you must. You don’t and it is this realisation that has brought me some peace finally. I may or may not ever and THAT IS OK. People expect you to forgive because it makes them feel good, all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, they feel as if they have seen you heal right before their eyes…but you need to do what works for you…it is hard for many to understand and these days care factor has a time limit. We are bombarded by so much despair and bad images we desensitize and try to keep away from it for our own peace of mind.

Let me put it this way; would you forgive the snake that bites you and fills you with the poison that just may kill you? (Forgive me Dalai Lama, there are times when you just can’t).

She (my psych) told me she thought I was actually doing quite well and that my backwards steps were understandable especially as I was forced into psycho prison again, bedridden from my flu and that unfortunately gave my mind far too much time to wander and ruminate, my energy was down very low.

She also said that I needed to keep very active if I was going to stave off further depressions without medication and I accept that you must keep active, it is a no brainer but I also feel that it is not as simplistic as that and as time goes on I am starting to see just exactly what is needed and it is daunting but necessary. No one can categorize depression specifically there are many causes and it can incorporate other issues like anxiety and trauma and therefore the approach to protecting yourself from it can be complex and take time to realise. No one size fits all as I have said before.

This time has taught me alot. I won’t shy from saying things that need to be said just because other people feel discomfort. I don’t fear abandonment anymore because I have felt it all my life and it has caused about as many wounds as it can….no more. I have shouldered far too much of that discomfort internally and refuse to do it any longer. It is one thing to say it, now I must follow through. These wounds run deep and the internalisation and self disgust have been part of the landscape for so long it is impossibly hard to be rid of in two seconds. It involves changing an entire belief system and setting up boundaries where there were none and that is not easy the older you get.

For now, its a beautiful day. Too beautiful to stay inside….

It’s human I guess…forward, backward or the same…

It feels like everything is almost at a standstill right now, I can hear the tick tock of the clock in the hallway which tells me it isn’t but as I look out at the garden from my window I am aware of this moment and yet my mind keeps flitting into ‘go’ mode; what next, what should I be doing now, how do I make the most of this time and where am I headed in the future. It’s ridiculous, the mind chatter. I have learnt to be in the moment a bit more and yet I struggle at times to keep the chatter at bay still, it takes practice, persistence and patience.

Realistically, things are almost at a standstill. I am still recovering from flu and a long depressive bout, heartbreak, soul search, life transition…what am I expecting of myself? My life?

On the up side I met with my company yesterday, my boss and the inevitable HR rep. They were for the most part very welcoming and understanding and we are working on a time frame. It was at times difficult to answer some of the questions without feeling a lump in my throat but I have come to accept that I am still slightly more emotionally heightened as my mind and body tries to regulate and find ‘it’s groove’.

There seemed to be a concern at why I did not choose to go back on medication, as if that would be the answer to all my woes. I am used to this. The lay person and medico’s alike are all for it..with gusto.

I guess that is a common human response these days, if there is a quick fix, a magic pill let’s just do that and get on with it. Who has the time or inclination to do the work on self, unmedicated, why would you?

I do not, agree. My choice is right for me, I know it and if it takes time and the ride is difficult I don’t care the effort is worth it I am already seeing that. There is an undercurrent of strength there that I recognise had not been there before even though I had been told many times I seem like a strong person, I had never believed it until now. That is a big thing for me. Those that have questioned their value in this life will understand that.

So, even though I am forced to semi standstill at the moment I can be conscious of what I need to do to keep going forward and keep working on strengthening my mind and body. I have been invited out to Friday drinks, a farewell to an ex colleague many companies ago. A couple of the girls I stay in touch with and know we probably always will. I really want to go but the antibiotics (yes, I did cave on that one but it was necessary in this case!) have not quite kicked in and I want to be well enough to go back to gym as soon as possible, it is important for my mind.

I will probably have a glass of good red this afternoon and put some good music on, I need my music, it feeds my soul. I did ask the pharmacist and he winked at me and said a glass of red wouldn’t hurt.

‘He’ (Joe the narc) used to say to me that my ‘partying’ (meaning drinking) would be a contentious issue between us. He had very specific ideas on how I should behave and what I should do I came to realise, part of his need to control every aspect. I don’t ‘party’ often. I did not drink at all for the many months we were connected because of his issue with it.

Ironically it did feel good being alcohol free for a long period of time, it helped my mind and body and it also proved I could be. But I now make the decision for myself  and try to self regulate. There is no point in fooling yourself.

I have felt slightly reflective in the last day or two about a number of things including him. But one brought a bit of sadness, a dear friend I have known since I was 8 years old was just married for the first time. We are both 49. They had the ceremony in Koh Samui, Thailand. I love Thailand and Koh Samui.  I have seen photos it looked amazing. She looked beautiful and happy. And I am so glad she is happy, she deserves it.

Somehow, our friendship is not what it used to be. I felt sad that I couldn’t be there with her, she was my maid of honour at my wedding many years ago. I am long divorced. We had some crazy times together as kids like trying to catch fish using canned sardines for bait! Obviously without success!  Over the years I was so involved with my sons especially my eldest and what his neurodegenerative disease would do to him (he was priority and trying to keep my depressions hidden from the boys as they grew up and function on high at all times was difficult but necessary) and she was never really there for that and equally just over a year ago she lost her mum from breast cancer and I wasn’t there for her or really seeing her son (my godson) as he grew up.  I regret that, hers was a friendship that meant alot to me. We still support each other from afar via Facebook with the odd ‘like’ and comment. I am so happy for her she has found a partner for life, I hope it will be for life.

I have come to accept there are things we can’t change, it is past. Friends grow apart, our lives go in different directions, c’est la vie.

In the future I hope to rekindle some of the old friendships that I treasure and perhaps put more into it than I have been capable of until now. Time will tell. Right now an almost standstill, but that is not so bad when you need it…..

Look within..sometimes not the best place to be..serendipities..

In a half sleep in the early hours of this morning, after coughing and spluttering, I heard my little bell go off. The little bell sound on my smartphone which indicates I have email on one of my accounts. These days it is all wordpress, and I am thankful for that, it tells me about the marvelous people who have taken the time to read my waffle and other things, but that bell used to tell me ‘he’ had written again and it took me ages before my heart would stop reverberating in my chest at that sound, anticipation…excited it was him.

Finally, I no longer feel those sensations and response that had become diligent and in it’s own way a ‘little bell’. The body and in particular the brain is so amazing. How it adapts, new neural pathways develop constantly, our responses like fight and flight, it’s ability to regenerate after onslaught, mind boggling.

I am still only a quarter of the way through Susan Anderson’s 2 books, I keep falling asleep after reading for a while because of this damned flu, but the more I go into them the more I say ‘AHA!’. Sometimes you are drawn to the things you need by coincidence or little serendipities that somehow take you there, little happenstances.  I came across her writing by reading blogs. As often happens you read and then you see a link or an honorable mention and you click on it and things just unfold there before you. What an amazing time we live in, worldwide access to information instantly.

We can be more connected than ever and yet there is also a huge disconnect in some ways as we sit eyes focused on our screens. It’s at times mesmerizing, yet isolating. We need to be connected as human beings, we need our clan to provide all the moral, physiological, safety and belonging, love and support.

Often when you are recovering from a broken heart or other relationship breakdown people will say you need time to heal, space and time to look within find who you are and love and nurture yourself.

But I have found that we too often end up turning ON ourselves and internalizing, we blame ourselves for the breakup or why failures in our connections have happened; why did this person not find me worthy of loving, why didn’t I just do more, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be with me, I should have handled things better, should have tried harder…it goes on.

Self esteem, self worth? Yes, but often it’s more than that. We operate out of learned responses from life, like an automaton we react according to the storage of experiences we have consciously and subconsciously and we do what we know and are familiar with and if that comes from a place of many wounds there are layers and layers of data in our brain and body that makes us react to any circumstance that may create more wounds often exacerbating what we are trying to avoid in the first place. Self defeat, self sabotage.

I don’t know if this makes sense to others reading this but it does to me. After what I have just experienced I need to grow and learn and change somewhat (not everything, I have come to like certain things about myself, finally). I know I need a comprehensive approach to lessen the sting and heal the wounds I have carried for my lifetime so far. Re build those pathways, learn new good habits and responses be aware of my ‘triggers’ for depression, be aware as I take on new connections in my life and stop turning inwards on myself and isolating.

I have missed so many wonderful things because they have coincided with a period of depression or I have not had the courage to follow through because of my mind and body’s learned responses. For example flight..I have walked away from good relationships because I’ve felt inevitably it could never work and they would leave me so I’d better leave them first. I truly feel that some of my depressions have been triggered by the inability to cope with what I feel is the inevitably that I will be left on my own again so I go inward and eventually my lack of self worth envelopes me and I no longer feel of use to this world.

I guess I am over simplifying to an extent, but as my mind starts to recharge and I gain more clarity as the days go on I see so much more than I have seen before and I can chose to work with it or go back into auto mode back into the way things were ready for another bout when it happens.

I am grateful for the lessons learned this time around, it was worth the pain.

Tomorrow I meet with my boss about a possible return to work.  I am no longer fearful of going out there and doing that, I am looking forward to it even though I know it will not be a long term prospect. When my contract ends I will hopefully be ready to go it alone from a work perspective, doing what I really want to rather than have to, we shall see.

Days gone by for women my age there would not have been as many options as there are today. Our only limit is ourselves and I’m seriously working on that! Then I am going to the Doctor because I think I may unfortunately need antibiotics to clear up this horrible yuk I am experiencing with this flu as it is not clearing, and nowadays to me any medication is a very last resort. Our minds and bodies are marvelous vehicles that can do incredible things if we treat them right, with respect and kindness.

I have been reading some of the wonderful blogs out there and it has made me realise the amount of talent there is and how much I don’t know about digital publishing and writing but I am coming to really love it and want to learn more. Many are so creative, beautiful poetry and prose, exquisitely produced graphics, photos and written word, it is a joy. And those that are just sharing their stories of survival and moving forward, care for others, inspirational. We can learn so much from each other.

I want to go for a run outside in the sunshine but physically that is impossible right now…arrgghh..mind and body; respect and kindness to equals better health and more smiles!…..Patience grasshopper….:)

Through the looking glass…things are not always as they seem…

As per usual I am finding that my patience with this flu is non existent, I hate being sick, it is a colossal waste of time. If I have to be horizontal it needs to be for the right reasons! I’m sounding like a man, they usually are ten times more whiny when they have flu or some other affliction..haha.

So what do you do when you are forced into lock-down when you have only just started to re-engage in life? Aside from sleep which is a necessary side effect of this blasted thing, you read. Well I do because daytime television sucks, there is only so much Dr Phil and mid day movie you can watch before you become even more depressed. I shouldn’t joke, depression is a serious thing, I’ve just had a guts-full of it.

So I picked up the second of a number of books I’m reading concurrently, two of which are by Susan Anderson; “The journey from abandonment to healing” and “Taming your outer child”.. She is an American Psychotherapist with over 30 years clinical and groundbreaking research experience in helping people overcome abandonment and the subsequent patterns of self sabotage.

You see, I have come to realise that whilst for many years I saw myself as a victim, the flow on effect of all the shite that happened within my life (and if you have read some of my old posts you will know what I have alluded to and some of it is pretty shitty but not detailed in public) was often due to choices I made such as the partners I chose to accept into my life often extremely poor choices that had the inevitable heartbreaking end whether due to mine or their actions. Depression and all the accompanying rubbish can be as a result of many things including heartbreak, a trigger.

Heartache after a breakup is normal you say, well, yes it is. It is part of life experience that most will come across at some stage of their lives. And as Susan A says it is not all bad. We can see it as an opportunity for growth and change. Each experience makes an imprint on us and it is how we react and what we do with it that matters. I have never handled it well.

The sum total of my many years of depression, abuse experiences and just sheer crap is what lead me to believe there had to be some other way of looking and responding to all this, why I can’t seem to function like most people or so it seems, and this time the overwhelming desire to weed out the rubbish once and for all, deal, learn and try to make what ever changes necessary to my life in order that the remainder of my life is not an unholy mess but an enjoyable experience, as best as it can be. Simply put, I truly have had enough of the shit. The past must remain the past and no longer affect my future.

I want to know why there are patterns that have repeated throughout my life including the depressive cycles and what I can do to break them. I want to help myself by using whatever resources there are available to me (except medication, been there done that, does not work for me). No offence to the psychologists here in Australia but I am almost certain there is a severe lack of knowledge, research and training into the myriad of mental illnesses out there growing in prevalence and occurrence. There is NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL. I have said this before and it is a source of frustration for me, our government has not the capacity to realise that if we don’t deal with these issues (lack of knowledge, training and funding for mental health) it will become a crisis of epic proportions in time…if we do not have our sanity it effects our health and productivity and we then have nothing.

Anyway, off my soapbox. I digress, but this means alot to me. There are many people suffering out there, alot in silence and very much alone. It is incredibly sad. But I need to fix myself before I can help others.

So my take on this is to read the extraordinary wealth of experiences, research and theories we have access to via the internet and in print and take from each what resonates with my own set of circumstances, become aware of and try to apply what works, for me.

When I looked at the ‘what is abandonment’ list,  it is not always as it seems at face value and the examples are many and varied of our everyday life experiences but she describes  it as ” a wound at the heart of human experience”…a wound.  It is something that we bring into the way we handle things including a broken heart and how we recover from it. The most basic example is the birth process where we are all of a sudden wrenched out of a safe, warm, familiar, connected and encompassing environment into one filled with bright lights, noise, cold and foreign touch, for a time disconnected from the source of warmth and safety and that is just the start of our human experience.

It is impossible to really impart the wisdom she shares but I have to say it makes so much logical sense I only wish I had come across her books sooner. She offers some tools to use going forward but like anything you must put the work in and not expect a magic pill to fix you.  A New York Times best selling author John Bradshaw describes her work as “An enormous help to anyone looking to let go of past disappointments and self recrimination and get on with the essential work of healing, building boundaries, and acquiring the skill to reach your goals”.

Things through the looking glass are not always as they seem. I feel better right now, aside from this damned flu, better than I have in many months.

I did think of Joe when I woke this morning, first time in a while because for many months he was my first thought when I woke and my last at night. It was a very difficult thought habit to break.  I’m not sure why, I still sometimes wonder what the purpose of us reconnecting after 30 odd years was, and why did things happen the way they did. I guess that will always be there somewhere. I let it come when it does and then let it flow right out again and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I recognise in me the need to try fix things, my relationships etc and that stems from childhood issues. But I have realised you can not fix that that does not want to be fixed. You can not control other people, you can only work on healing and loving yourself. And you should because you are well worth it irrespective of other’s opinions.

Ohhh damn, I need to have a really good cough up….YUK

Come to me, meet me halfway or don’t bother…mercy f#%k..

Ahhh. The sun is shining in the window, I look out at the day and smile (It’s a good day when I smile into the sunshine). I am in the middle of a text parry and thrust (comedic) with a man who seems keen to see me again although I haven’t seen him for a while. I haven’t seen anyone for a while, by choice. He was someone I tried as a distraction when I first got back from the States. I was so desperately heartbroken I tried everything to try relieve my mind of that blood sucking vampire including mercy fuck (Can I write that here? Too bad…outer child just had a tantrum).

He is a nice man. Nice is such an insipid word. But he is nice and funny. He wined and dined me, was a proper gentleman. But ultimately as seems to happen in this day and age (of tinder etc, swipe left, swipe right..not that I’m on tinder!) we did the horizontal mumbo far too soon. It was mutual believe me, after waiting 9 months (and some 30 years previous!!) for “I’ve got the body of a 35 year old (not) and I will make love to you all night (he wasn’t capable)” yada yada BS BS BS…delusional narcissistic freak).

Anyway. He made a mistake this time (the distraction). He said maybe I can find my way to his place (if I don’t want to meet for a meal and a night out) and I laughed and thought “there is no way on god’s great earth that I’m doing that shit again”.  So I messaged back and said “Re: ‘find my way’ to yours I don’t do that anymore. You come to me or meet me halfway or forget it, I’m worth more than that…”. I flew half way around the globe to see the Devil and look where that got me, not going there ever again…EVER.

To his credit, he laughed and joked about the mouthful I gave him first thing in the morning, because he knew where I was coming from, he wanted to talk about my trip etc in the days our friendship started even though I didn’t want to at the time and he was amazing, but I cut him off after a little while because I wasn’t well and I wasn’t ready. Still not. His first name is the same as the devil’s, and he is Sicilian as well and there are other similarities and that does my head in.

But something keeps telling me I have to get back on the horse, or I will never ride again.

I need to re-engage with the world. I need to start going out again and living. Force it, until it starts to come naturally again. I’ve been completely broken.

Funnily enough, I got a delivery today of a book I’d ordered a while back (one of a few). It had to come from the States because realistically there is a severe lack of good knowledge here about mental health, or maybe its just got to do with funding and research and the lack thereof here in Australia. And let’s face it, crazy is on a much larger scale in the U.S! DON’T get me wrong, I love America, I could live there and I definitely will return for holidays there on a regular basis because it is awesome in every way, so diverse. The people still say please and thank you there and ‘Yes, maaaam’…love it.

The book is by Susan Anderson. It’s called “Taming your outer child; overcoming self sabotage and healing from abandonment”. She is a psychotherapist with more than 30 years of clinical experience and research work with victims of trauma, abandonment, grief and loss and a host of other stuff. I have her other book coming “The journey from abandonment to healing” as well. She is based in Manhattan. I love Manhattan. I’ve walked the entire length of Manhattan, what an amazing melting pot of experiences……I digress.

I have been fighting many years of depression, and rotten experiences and circumstances. I found after hitting bottom this time I was the root cause of my problems because I have allowed myself to be led by my circumstances. No amount of psychotherapy by someone else will help if I don’t try to help myself and work from within. To wait for others to fix me I may as well get back on the antidepressants and wander around like a zombie for the rest of my life and stay mediocre and accept everything everyone else throws at me and don’t bother ducking for cover. Just give up. I can’t do that, I won’t.

I want to get to a place I know I can. Break down whatever barriers to entry there are and for fuck sake DO and LIVE and do it and live it well. There’s a girl, there is a fight in the belly again…now to keep it up..keep going forward. Thank god I have a psych appointment tomorrow haha….:)

You will breathe again…finding you…

It’s been a bloody long journey, I am starting to breathe again.  Some people, particularly those blessed with sound mind are able to ride out life’s tough times with barely a scratch. Generally, everyone has it tough at some time in their life. It’s the Yin to the Yang, the cycle of life. It’s not realistic to be happy and flow easily all throughout life…and anyway, how boring would that be?! There needs to be bad to really understand the good, its about balance. And it’s reality.

Some people for some damn reason get dealt the shit cards (sorry for the language, sometimes there is just no substitute when making a point!) and spend a great deal of their time on this earth in struggle and in those times isn’t it understandable to wonder “why me?”. Others have things taken out of their hands, no say in the matter.

We have become a world where empathy is temporary. We want to see positive and happy all the time it makes us feel good thinking that there is no bad or evil, just Kardashians!  We don’t have to work on anything if we ignore it, the bad stuff, it’s someone else’s problem. Anyway, don’t we have enough on our plate to deal with? There are enough ‘do gooders’ out there to help out, I’ll just sit on the sidelines and clap the champion and all will be well. I’ll just listen to the feel good stuff, that other negative wallow is a downer man. Who needs it?

The general school of thought is that you can ‘think positive’ and all will be well. I agree to some extent, I myself have gone down the mindfulness path amongst other things, thinking positive and being in the moment helps but it fails to take in the realities of life, sometimes things happen that you have NO CONTROL over. If you suffer from any form of mental illness and for many it is not through any fault of their own (we are all a product of our environment), or any other illness it is not always possible to just will it away. I do believe it’s possible to attract prosperity and good will but it has alot to do with the action associated with the thought. That is not to say it is fine staying mired in the victim mentality either (but reality is it is not always an easy process to come out of that way of thinking).

The mind is so powerful. I am in awe of the things I have learned over this period. And now it seems that things that have happened were a necessary part of this journey that is my life. I was dealt these cards and now I have chosen to deal with it in a way that has been difficult but I think well worth the effort. It’s not quite over, it would be unrealistic to think I have magically fixed everything and it is all smooth sailing from here, however I find myself opening the curtains and the tight feeling in my chest is being replaced by the more even flow of breath. I am asthmatic, but it is well under control, and I’m not talking about asthma! The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone. I can actually see forward now and know that there is the possibility of a much brighter future. It may not be the one I had envisaged, but it could actually be so much better. (I had reached an almost similar point last year after I had finally stopped the anti-depressants and then Joe came in and created more damage and didn’t care that he did…but it was the final act in years of my acceptance of people walking over the top of me. BUT IT IS THE FINAL ACT. I will no longer live that way. My awareness is acute but not defining….Love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, strength).

My psych said to me on Friday that the things I have been trying to deal with and clear are truly shitty things that many would not have pulled through as I have. She said it takes courage to become an ‘active’ participant in healing wounds inflicted deep over many years (but it did take me a long while to become so). She was quite complimentary strangely and in between tears I would look at her and laugh and she would say ‘you don’t believe me but it is true’. When you spend time in true realisation and start breaking down the powerful forces that you have not been able to acknowledge and let go of but they have been destructible forces, some within, yet many not within your control it is hard to see the real you inside. Somewhere along the way I disappeared.

You need someone to say ‘I see you. I feel you and it is OK’. And don’t expect it from others, most don’t have the capacity for it. Those that do will show themselves. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. But you need to see you the most because that is what is often neglected when you become the welcome mat that others wipe their feet on.

You can break the cycle….you truly can….YET ANOTHER GOOD DAY….:)

PS..I would like to thank those that are following my blog and the likes I have received, not  alot as compared with others but I never started this for recognition, just catharsis. I have read your blogs and would love to follow and read all of yours but it’s impossible. There are so many damn good blogs out there! There are some truly wonderful, helpful and inspirational ones and some damn good writers too. Just know that I send best wishes and love and light x