Where it really comes from…timing…do I go?

For a while now I have banged on about my most recent experience with my narc. And this morning I woke and that yuk feeling was still there. But I have come to a point now where I can no longer just relate my current inability to move forward on that situation, it goes much deeper and I have touched on it but never brought it fully out in the open. Not even to my psych (although with her I have mentioned it only minimally). But I am sick to the stomach about it and many other things. I am tired of trying to deal and how long it is taking. I am sick of repeating myself and feeling the way I am feeling. It has to stop. My writing  will probably be disjointed this morning I am in a strange place….still.

My father is here in Perth right now, he is here for a number of hospital appointments which at the age of 93 most is perhaps normal. To this day I have stayed connected to him even though I have fought and held down the real pain and psychological trauma he and to an extent my mother caused me when I was a child. You don’t talk about it because nobody wants to hear it. When you are a child you believe that what is happening is normal and you learn to adapt accordingly. You do not want to walk through life being labelled. Keep away from her she is damaged goods, poor thing. It is uncomfortable and should not be discussed or out in the open. It is human to want to take a wide berth from anything that causes us discomfort or brings us down. I’m not alone in my experience but alot is hidden and there is so much worse.

Yesterday I watched Dr Phil (it was a rare situation but I felt drawn to it), who had a woman on his show Michelle Knight who was kept for many years imprisoned, raped and tortured by Ariel Castro in Cleveland Ohio and this is an extreme and horrifying situation much worse than my own I know. She has written a book and there is now a movie. She is incredible considering her situation. What she went through defies belief. As I watched her speak her speech was inclusive of humour and a kind of acceptance but I could see in her eyes a detachment and a distance.  I know it well, we learn to function and adapt almost at times as if we are out of body. She had managed to detach from the situation and seems to be doing so well but I still recognised that in her mind things will never go away and I felt some of her pain and other emotions things that will always be a part of her. I know a little of it. Not to the same extent but a drop of it. My experience was my own and I can not diminish the impact of it…I have to acknowledge it to be able to move forward…I need to.

I watched a TED session today by  Dr Nadine Burke Harris, it was on my Facebook feed. I rarely go to FB lately but this morning I happened to have a quick look. It’s funny how the timing of things seems to sync with what we are going through at the time.

It struck a chord with me and as I watched it my body started to feel very uncomfortable. A mixture of fear, stress, anxiety and illness. Sick to my stomach as I have said. Because I was reminded of things that still effect me and that I have not fully dealt with. Part of it is because of societal expectation, we must function, we must be normal and do normal things and look happy doing it. Ignore, be strong.

He called me yesterday, my father. He wanted me to go see him and comfort him and give him sympathy. Like a child needs warmth and comfort and security and love. I could not do it. I was very cold. And as he reeled off all the bad things that had been happening to him I felt nothing but disdain. I have continued to accept his phone calls and at times can behave as if nothing has happened but then other times I feel like I am in collusion with my tormentor and that I am a very sick and twisted person.

For a person who usually feels things so deeply and empathises more than usual I could not feel anything for him, but pity. He told me my cousin is flying in from another state to spend time with him and I wanted to scream out “she is a fucking ignorant idiot” because she has no idea what this man is really like and what he did to me as a child.

But I packed the ill feeling away again after the phone call ended and distracted myself by missing Joe even more. By missing yet another man who hurt me, whom I trusted and loved. But what Joe did was nothing compared to my childhood.  I shared with him the story of what happened in my childhood something I had not shared with anyone. I trusted him. Even my childhood friends, I could not tell the full story because…I just could not…I still struggle with it because to recall I feel as if I will lose what little sanity I have left and yet I know if I do not…I will remain STUCK.

I will not go into detail now, it is impossible, the reality includes; abuse sexually, psychologically, control in the extreme, alcoholism and more.  I would be writing for days and this is public, but even writing this and acknowledging it there is much to deal with I know I will go there now bring more of it into my psych sessions. I have only scratched the surface so far…him being here..my remaining stuck and sick and the TED talk and a number of things running through my head tells me it is time. Time to really go further and rid myself of this insidious shit that has held me down for so long.

Right now my thoughts are slightly jumbled. But I am feeling a strange sense of relief in even writing this much. Perhaps it is because I have learnt to pop things back into the box. For later.

Tonight a friend I cherish, is having a birthday party at a pub. Her 50th. She is a good girl and a very good and loyal friend. She collected me from the airport the day I arrived back from the States, shellshocked. She stayed in touch with me before I flew back and as I was struggling in the days after I walked out on him and still had 3 days left in Arizona heartbroken, confused, alone. I have traveled the world often on my own but I will never forget how alone and awful I felt in those days.

I had got to a point where I felt like I was going to go tonight. I wanted to go, to share her special night. Now I have that avoidance feeling creeping in again. I have avoided many functions with friends over these last months. How do I do it? But I need to go I know….


You will breathe again…finding you…

It’s been a bloody long journey, I am starting to breathe again.  Some people, particularly those blessed with sound mind are able to ride out life’s tough times with barely a scratch. Generally, everyone has it tough at some time in their life. It’s the Yin to the Yang, the cycle of life. It’s not realistic to be happy and flow easily all throughout life…and anyway, how boring would that be?! There needs to be bad to really understand the good, its about balance. And it’s reality.

Some people for some damn reason get dealt the shit cards (sorry for the language, sometimes there is just no substitute when making a point!) and spend a great deal of their time on this earth in struggle and in those times isn’t it understandable to wonder “why me?”. Others have things taken out of their hands, no say in the matter.

We have become a world where empathy is temporary. We want to see positive and happy all the time it makes us feel good thinking that there is no bad or evil, just Kardashians!  We don’t have to work on anything if we ignore it, the bad stuff, it’s someone else’s problem. Anyway, don’t we have enough on our plate to deal with? There are enough ‘do gooders’ out there to help out, I’ll just sit on the sidelines and clap the champion and all will be well. I’ll just listen to the feel good stuff, that other negative wallow is a downer man. Who needs it?

The general school of thought is that you can ‘think positive’ and all will be well. I agree to some extent, I myself have gone down the mindfulness path amongst other things, thinking positive and being in the moment helps but it fails to take in the realities of life, sometimes things happen that you have NO CONTROL over. If you suffer from any form of mental illness and for many it is not through any fault of their own (we are all a product of our environment), or any other illness it is not always possible to just will it away. I do believe it’s possible to attract prosperity and good will but it has alot to do with the action associated with the thought. That is not to say it is fine staying mired in the victim mentality either (but reality is it is not always an easy process to come out of that way of thinking).

The mind is so powerful. I am in awe of the things I have learned over this period. And now it seems that things that have happened were a necessary part of this journey that is my life. I was dealt these cards and now I have chosen to deal with it in a way that has been difficult but I think well worth the effort. It’s not quite over, it would be unrealistic to think I have magically fixed everything and it is all smooth sailing from here, however I find myself opening the curtains and the tight feeling in my chest is being replaced by the more even flow of breath. I am asthmatic, but it is well under control, and I’m not talking about asthma! The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone. I can actually see forward now and know that there is the possibility of a much brighter future. It may not be the one I had envisaged, but it could actually be so much better. (I had reached an almost similar point last year after I had finally stopped the anti-depressants and then Joe came in and created more damage and didn’t care that he did…but it was the final act in years of my acceptance of people walking over the top of me. BUT IT IS THE FINAL ACT. I will no longer live that way. My awareness is acute but not defining….Love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, strength).

My psych said to me on Friday that the things I have been trying to deal with and clear are truly shitty things that many would not have pulled through as I have. She said it takes courage to become an ‘active’ participant in healing wounds inflicted deep over many years (but it did take me a long while to become so). She was quite complimentary strangely and in between tears I would look at her and laugh and she would say ‘you don’t believe me but it is true’. When you spend time in true realisation and start breaking down the powerful forces that you have not been able to acknowledge and let go of but they have been destructible forces, some within, yet many not within your control it is hard to see the real you inside. Somewhere along the way I disappeared.

You need someone to say ‘I see you. I feel you and it is OK’. And don’t expect it from others, most don’t have the capacity for it. Those that do will show themselves. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. But you need to see you the most because that is what is often neglected when you become the welcome mat that others wipe their feet on.

You can break the cycle….you truly can….YET ANOTHER GOOD DAY….:)

PS..I would like to thank those that are following my blog and the likes I have received, not  alot as compared with others but I never started this for recognition, just catharsis. I have read your blogs and would love to follow and read all of yours but it’s impossible. There are so many damn good blogs out there! There are some truly wonderful, helpful and inspirational ones and some damn good writers too. Just know that I send best wishes and love and light x

Homework…the inventory…being real..the cost of mental illness…

My curtain is open this morning, the sun is shining even though it is cold, around 4 degrees celsius at present (9am) which is reasonably cold for Perth as our winters are nowhere near the winters of many other places.

I woke and for the first time in a few days I felt no pain, less fog and I managed to stop my brain from ruminating as much as it has been. I thought of Joe (it has always been one of the first in the chaos of my mind) and then I said to myself “I notice that I am having thoughts about Joe and that’s OK” and then he slipped back out again, no tug at the heart this time…nothing. My psych told me when I have any of these obtrusive thoughts to do that; notice and acknowledge in my mind that they are just thoughts. It brings you to the present, it makes the mind aware that they really are just thoughts and thoughts can not hurt you unless you allow them to. You need to keep it up thought defusion, it takes time and effort if your a bit of a case!!

It sounds very basic in premise but when you have difficulty with thought processes of the mind you must bring things back to basics. Part of the re-wiring process, and it is a process.

This is what is taking time. I do recognise it on clearer days like today. Yesterday and days before were dark and now today there is some light. Oh please let that be from now on…

What happened to get to here today? Work. Homework and self healing. Giving myself some patience and understanding instead of frustration and self loathing. And maybe something else but I don’t know what…

My psych homework was to do an inventory. Part of a 12 step process that is usually reserved for alcoholics  and drug addicts in their recovery programs but the inventory (4th step) is also used by psychs for other types of mental processing that involve resentment and fear which can totally debilitate you. After half a day of mental hell yesterday I picked up the paperwork and forced myself to work through it…I had been avoiding it for some inexplicable reason.

My resentment list was long and no prizes for guessing who were the first few at the top!  It gets you to list as many things as you can muster your mind to recall and when you are in fog and misery it is tough to do (it can even include employers, colleagues, teachers, organisations you have dealt with, it is very comprehensive and at times you feel like…is this for real? But they ask you to just include everything no matter how big or small).

But I am so glad I did it. It did not feel good at the time..the process took a fair while, there are many components and you have to be at a place where you are completely honest with yourself about your part in it all as well….that is more difficult than listing the people you resent and what they did to you. But I am going to do this. I am going to clear this shit out if it kills me, I can not live my life this way anymore. I will not. As the Dalai Lama says ‘everyone deserves happiness’..even if happiness is also a questionable concept in itself!

Days like today I feel not only that I want to help myself, I also feel sorry for people like Joe and my father and mother and others that are part of the Narc spectrum. You can’t help but wonder about how they got there. That they live in a world of their own making now but what caused them to become as they are. To be able to cause so much damage without feeling empathy or care. Or do they have their own personal hell? You don’t want to tar everyone with the brush of Narcissism and it is on a spectrum as are many mental illnesses including depression and then there are other associated forms of devastation and abuse.

Even though it has had its effect on me I find that I am completely fascinated by how we are all very aware of things that are blatant; obvious signs like bruises and injuries from physical assault but we are nowhere near able to really recognise the plight of many who live in the realm of psychological abuse because it is so silent, unknown, insidious and extremely pervasive.

In reading about it and reading other peoples experience of it I have learned so much, the awareness does alot to help understand what it is that you are dealing with. But there is not enough awareness for many out there and it is not recognised formally as a mental illness that needs to be dealt with in a formal way. Many Narcs will never get help, it is part of the illness itself.  It will not allow recognition and therefore survives unfettered, but it creates more of the same over time.

Humans tend to believe in what they see only, hence the rise of the selfie, the power and ridiculous wealth gained by people like the Kardashians and other famous nobodies who become somebodies, the invasion of the internet has done much to create an army of human robots who depend so much on the visual that they forget to to really think and properly process.

I guess this is the reason why mental illness is massively prevalent and increasing as the years go on at a very high cost in every way yet remains low in priority.

Anyway once again I am thinking of running before I walk, deal with real Roz, deal with you and then deal with the rest.

I am not writing well still, not arranging thoughts properly and grammatically..my god… but at least I am writing and it helps…another good day:)