Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier. Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.
He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago, whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!
Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he enjoyed it which I also admired.
I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.
I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.
Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…
The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.
But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.
And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.
So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?
Love and whitelight xxx