Hello from Nutty central..

Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier.  Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.

He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago,  whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!

Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco  executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he  enjoyed it which I also admired.

I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.

I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.

Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…

The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.

But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer  to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.

And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.

So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

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Fruitloop central….It’s a jungle out there…madness..sheer madness

Right now is yet again not an ideal time to write this blog but I am going to because besides needing to distract myself for so many reasons; because life is a bit challenging at present as my previous posts have described and I still have moments when I feel like I should be in a straight jacket and heavily dosed!! (And I have not yet reached the ability to do the saintly thing and volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other wonderful act of humanity that I always feel guilty about not doing but I simply can’t just yet. Paid work would help immensely but there is still nothing….and having a wonderful day with my son yesterday yet seeing him struggle in front of me to eat and swallow is somewhat affecting me psychologically too…but I am trying to hang in there and keep it together).

It’s about keeping good thoughts rather than allowing the negative to overtake..it takes diligence and practice.

Yesterday, for some hours I felt at peace, with my beautiful boy and being able to hold him and love him..it seems like the only time lately that I feel totally at peace….like being wrapped in a wonderfully warm soft  blanket in the middle of winter.

When he is gone, then it is me, just me and all the things I must deal with and most of the time I feel strong enough now but I must admit that after he left I cried…for a long time knowing the inevitable….

So in my crazy, madness I went back online and reactivated my dating membership and immediately got a nice message from someone who contacted me prior to my short weeks of dating the man who just nicely broke it off….

Or so I thought it was nicely. I had the trail of our initial contact in my inbox and it showed that he had already reactivated prior to me (yes that bloody wonderful feature of time and date stamp that some dating sites have…ugghh).

Fair enough, I thought, he did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t think I was the one, long term and as I  had asked let me down before it was too late…got to appreciate that! Don’t you?!

This morning I went back on to answer a message that had been sent and I see he has deactivated his profile again, which was something he did when he first started dating me and of course my immediate reaction was one of sting…jesus..he’s moved on already and found someone just like he did with me a few weeks back….the guys a fast mover…

Or is he? had he already had in mind that he would get what he wanted out of us and keep the ‘date’ he supposedly cancelled when he started dating me in reach and now he was seeing her…maybe concurrently..is he a serial dater the one that uses this dating tactic to create a social life and an constant stream of ‘physical intimacy’ on tap so to speak?

Or am I just a freakish cynical biatch because I have been hurt recently, so my trust is at an all time low.

My wonderful narcissist once drawled at me “man, you think too much”. !

I do believe that was probably one of the most truthful things he ever said to me. I do think, I think about things from various perspectives, I think alot. But I do have alot to think about.

So…the marvelous world of dating in your almost 50’s (I am still 49, so I am not claiming 50 just yet!). And the dating landscape to boot!

IT’S A FREAKIN JUNGLE OUT THERE…AYE CARUMBA

In previous posts I have mentioned the different types I have come across; cougar hunters, commitment phobes, men who say they have sorted their shit and believe me they haven’t (but who am I to judge?!), narcs, weaklings or ‘big girls blouses’ …..ISH…

The old way of dating or finding a mate just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…it just seems so bloody hard now…

But I believe in love…still…I believe that as much as it is wonderful to find yourself and be comfortable being on your own and in your company, being independent and free. Deep down, I still believe there is a beautiful love out there for everyone. A person to share your life journey with, your experiences and ultimately your twilight years….

No matter what is going on around me…I still believe and I won’t give up the dream….right now I am smiling to myself thinking how crazy I am…but thinking this way just helps..it means you are not giving up on one of the best things in life…

LOVE

Love and white light xxx

Clumsy attempts at distraction…the freakish world of online dating…ain’t you gone yet?!

The morning after! I have quite a fuzzy head again and usually when I have indulged in these last weeks I wake feeling melancholy and miserable (and feel incredibly guilty because Joe would not have liked me ‘partying’…Joe who? I say…false bravado, just fake it til you make it!). But this morning I can’t help but laugh at myself. I had a bee in my bonnet yesterday I just had to get out. Had that whole it’s Friday vibe thing happening..yeah let’s go..woohoo after all I have been stuck in a kind of self imposed exile. I have to get moving.

I have been taking part in that great and very common (these days because we are time poor and the organic process of dating seems to have fizzled somewhat because of our way of life) pastime of online ‘dating’, probably a really mad time to do it considering my love and existential crisis, but as I have said I am going to make the rest of my journey a good one and it is a ‘distraction’. It means getting back on the proverbial horse although the timing is probably a tad out right now. What the heck, surely it can’t hurt?…Oh dear…

So I get an invite out by a couple of males, I chose one over the other he was younger and more aggressive in his approach and I like a man that takes charge..although not to the extent that they are a controlling narcissistic egomaniac like a certain person who shall remain nameless but begins with J..! Goodness, ain’t you gone yet? Outta my head yank.

Anyway, this guy plans to meet up at a pub somewhat nearby (nothing is nearby where I am living these days except Kangaroos!) and he right up until the 11th hour seems keen. Then he says with an hour to go “Sorry Roz I’m not sure I will make it in time to the Pub but how about you come over to my house instead?”

My immediate response “I don’t even know you, like that’s gonna happen, have a nice life!” well I may have tempered my response a tad as in print its just not ladylike! What? Do I have a big S for Stupid on my forehead?!

Now I know for a fact that there are ‘Apps’ and websites specifically set up for casual ‘dating’ and there are many happy to take part in that scene young and very old, its become all so open and quite frankly a tad gory…I have had 2 very young men message me on the site I am on one 18 (!) and the other 23 and they have specifically said they are looking for cougars and let them know if I would like a bit of ‘fun’..well kiddo’s I am old enough to be your mother and that ain’t gonna happen in this lifetime I assure you. YUK with a capital YE!

But there it is. Then you get these guys with ” no baggage, no kids, no-one I need to fix, must be physically attractive” in their profiles fella’s, have you had a good hard look at yourselves lately? Hello, this is all so familiar, someone who shall remain nameless but begins with J had told me countless times he had the body of a 35 year old (he is almost 60!), he is fit and healthy (he has a belly on him and looks like a heart attack waiting to happen including a number of medications that support that fact) and how he was going to make love to me all night and the fact is he simply could not (not that that matter so much when you love someone, I could have lived with that, seriously, because I loved him).

Delusions everywhere, not just men, the women too. I’ve had many of the men tell me how appreciative they are that I even took the time to say’ Hi, thanks for your message however I do not wish to take this further at this stage, and I wish you well in your search’, I’m a freak, I really do sit and take the time to cut and paste that standard response to each because I don’t like to ignore people. Some of them are genuinely lonely and putting there hearts out there and I don’t want them to feel they are not worthy of at least a reply! One night I had 38 messages in my inbox, in just one night and that occurred frequently near about in numbers for at least a week and I still get a lot. Sometimes I want to end the membership.

It’s too soon, I still for some unfathomable reason have feelings for the man that broke my heart. I have spent many an hour pummeling myself for being so stupid. But I have come to realise, that is just me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I love I love deeply, honestly and faithfully and one day I hope I will have that in return. Mutually. I can not allow this painful experience with Joe to take away my belief in love, love is all you need the Beatles said! I believe them. (With the exception of food, water, shelter…yadayada)

In the meantime I’ll continue to take these steps forward, one day at a time…