La Fin..Life Beyond Him..

Its taken a while but my 20 year old (my youngest son..whom is well) made a valid point yesterday. We spent some valuable one on one time…rare these days but wonderful.

What is the the point of “life beyond him” mum..’him’..that time..is over.

He was right. I no longer consider that time in my life as relevant.

He..Him..is now a figment. A colossal waste of time and energy. And the rest pretty much are too. A ridiculous aberration. A dumb ass period of absolute futility.

I have dated a couple of times after him who shall  remain nameless. In the rare time I would lift up and say ohh fuck it I have to get out..it reiterated that even though there are nice guys there..rare.. I am older and far more aware of what fits and what doesn’t.

I have finally learned and had enough. Now it is all about peace and being happy with me. Just me.

I still talk to Yank 2. The stayer in this all. He who shall remain nameless predicted I had a connection with Y2. Yes, I guess he was right. And very recently we seemed to get closer again. But I am no longer happy banging my head, considering the man first, penis driven (not that Y2 and I have been able to consummate as such..we only skype, email and phone  but hell we’ve had some fun!). And he is damned interesting and funny and alot of things certain others just aren’t.

But I am also not certain about him. I met his beloved older brother, whom he loves and absolutely adores…when I was in Sydney earlier this year and he was lovely. Then there was a family wedding I was asked to go to, it seemed to be the thing…it kept us motivated for a while. I was meant to fly to Chicago to attend and to see him and luckily it didn’t happen. It appears it just wasn’t right. We are half a globe away. He had said that when it came to crunch time (a couple of days before I flew) he felt “If you see a tornado, do you run to it or from  it?”

He told me that after we hadn’t spoken for a couple of months, and then only  as friends.

I love him as a friend. And as time has gone on maybe more..again. Our conversations and other has progressed again. But I am SO DONE with all the wank and bullshit between men and women these days.

There is no such thing as loyalty. Everyone is looking for the next best thing. At the drop of a hat.

I’ve been through a blinding depression again recently. I have not felt so damn black and hopeless and profoundly sad and…oh the list goes on for a long time and this time sans medication. I have questioned why the flying fuck am I here…aside from my anchors..my sons. I can’t be bothered talking about it because these days everyone has an ‘expert’ opinion. AND THEY ARE JUST FUCKING IGNORANT AND WRONG more often than not.

So I don’t bother.

I can’t be bothered with lack of intelligence, experience and ignorance. Bias, parochialism, idiocy, self centredness, narcissism and Machiavellianism.

But it seems to be the way of the world. Elections, business, government, relationships etc.

Anyway.

It is time to say farewell to this blog. My friend indeed. It has served me well.

It is time to start a new thing. New title, theme, life, attitude…oh geez..god knows what…

At this stage I am tiddly and tired. My shuffle on Ipod has just started to play White Zombie…something really heavy and right now…it just doesn’t resonate.

Need to just write afresh. Start afresh when I feel motivated. Maybe use another method of reach. I am not happy with the fact that the people you don’t want to access your writing like  prospective employers, government, other organisations and people that should have no real business in your business, use the public domain to form opinions and biases when in all reality sometimes they have no idea what is real and what is not.

In essence..if we are not at work or whatever it is none of their damned business. Stop spying you arseholes…FUCK OFF

Anyway. I thank my loyal few followers and readers. I wish you all alot of love and luck.

I will write again…under a different title and probably pen name..I hope we meet again

Love an whitelight xxx

Gutless and the not so good one

Now I know what I would look like with a good dose of lip fillers. Won’t be doing that, its not a good look.  I am finding it hard to believe what unfolded last night and today I am contemplating whether or not to stay in this one horse town where I have had nothing but sadness and pain. Leaving my sons especially my eldest is just unbearable knowing this disease has progressed as it has but my life is a mess and seems hopeless right now.

A very gutless male hit me in the face last night, and my lips are swollen and part of my face. I knew I should not have responded to his constant badgering me to catch up and ‘party’ but by late yesterday and feeling sad about what transpired with ‘formerly known as the good one’ during the week and feeling lonely I caved in and went. Stupid move.

His son was being pummeled by a so called ‘mate’ in the front yard (yes grown ups apparently) and I intervened to try stop it, someone called the police in the meantime and then when I went back inside after they had arrived drunk Chevvy guy walked up and cracked me in the face for no reason. Only thing I can think of is that he did not want me talking to the police. The police saw my fat lip and face asked me if I wanted to press charges but I was too much in shock and so they continued on and eventually took me home in the back of a paddy van, treating me like a common criminal. It all unfolded so fast I am still trying to work out why that gutless bastard hit me. But hit me he did, I just wish I had the good sense to punch him back, I would usually irrespective of him being 6’2 ft tall and a bikie looking character. Not advisable I know but I have never not fought back in my life…last night I didn’t.

Then after texting ‘the good one’ (formerly) he called me back and I explained what happened and he seemed to just get angrier and angrier but not at the man that hit me, no sir re bob he was angry at me; for going out with another man, talking to the yank (2) again and so much more that my head spun but ultimately the lack of compassion and care was blinding and I finally realised that he too may be a form of narcissist and that he never really gave a damn in the true sense of the word. I was just there for when he felt like it it seemed.

During the week I had discovered that I had not properly removed the block on my phone of his number from the previous week and his texts had not been coming through. I had thought he had simply decided it was over and until I had discovered the texts I was fine with that. But I saw in his responses that he was somehow strangely more involved than he let on, he seemed to be very perturbed that I was seeing other people (even though we had called time and he had pretty much made no effort to see me recently) and particularly not happy that I had reconnected with Yank 2 and was skyping him regularly again as friends. He did not seem to believe we were just friends and was very annoyed that I had any male ‘friends’ at all. Pretty much told me women should confide in their women friends only which is what I do from time to time but I have male friends too and he told me ‘he was not comfortable with that’. Things were always on his terms.

It was a weird kind of time with him. The hot and cold, the not wanting to commit yet not being happy that I see other people and always finding fault with something. But last night was the final straw, he was so angry, we both swore at each other although he said I swore at him only and he hung up on me and basically told me to never call again. Seriously, there was shades of Joe’s moves in that man. I wonder if it is an italian male thing. But I realised finally that I could not be with a man who didn’t have the care or strength to be a man in all the proper ways and for him to turn what happened to me around when I felt most vulnerable and use it as a cowards way to disconnect…unforgivable and sad. I dont think I ever really knew him at all.

Two down. Never again.

So here I sit nursing my wounded face and pride. Tired, beaten in so many ways. I can’t skype my friend in Chicago tomorrow I dont want him to see my face like this although I know I would get more support from him than I ever had from the italian.

I can’t seem to pick good men as far as the relationship kind goes, I don’t seem to be able to read them properly. Are there any real good ones out there? The upside in all this is that I have no feelings left whatsoever for Yank 1/Joe. He haunted me for a long time. But no more.

I am not sure what to do now with anything. I fought to not spiral into a bad depression this last month or so, not in the best way (anaesthetising myself). A lot of the factors that lead to me feeling down again have not gone away. It has been relentless. Right now I can’t find the strength to move on and make some decisions it all seems like groundhog day and I am very tired of it all.

Universe, I have had enough, I need your help…..please

Baby I’m a fool…serendipity, afraid not

A song appropriate for now….and then;

I kinda knew in my heart that things would not last. Or was it that I have become so cynical and jaded by my experiences that it was just a case of ‘self fulfilling prophecy’. It’s hard to tell. Relationships are the polar opposite to death and taxes…uncertain and unpredictable.

We were so close, so close. I had even booked my flights and felt so sure that within a couple of weeks we would finally see each other. Deja Vu. If Joe could read this…and it’s possible he can but being the narcissist he is he hasn’t given me another thought, but if he could he would be laughing his arse off at me..with glee.

I am a fool…as the song says..who thinks it’s cool to fall in love. No matter how many times I get hurt, I still believe that there is love there for me; the right one…for both of us.

He said to me a few days back “I think the timing is right for both of us” when he realised that we were both having such similar experiences right now it was uncanny..family time..he with the upcoming family wedding I was going to attend with him and his much loved brother being back in Chicago for a while and me after my storm which ironically then gave me the ability to be able to go see him after all; the upside of my recent downside.  And I thought he meant we were in some kind of serendipitous situation but now I realise he probably thought this was a good time for us to break up because we would both have the soft cushion of family around us.

He was a coward in some ways…he forced my hand and it worked, I jumped or maybe he just didn’t know how to tell me he himself wanted to jump. But he had accused me so many times after our recent bumps of letting go easily and in some ways he was right. I can’t stand pain anymore and yet it is what I am feeling again.

Once again I picked a man incapable of commitment and so inept at love, but that seems to be what I do. It is my comfort zone.  It is all I know and even though I know it, I find it so difficult to break that habit. Because this time I genuinely thought we had a chance. He was not or so I thought what I would usually go for. He was strange and quirky and oh so fascinatingly different, knowledgeable. We could talk for hours on end over our Skype sessions and were in sync about so many things and yet still had our differences.

I will miss our talks. I will miss him. Right now I cant imagine what it will be like to never speak to him again. I don’t want it to end. And yet. It is not under my control. Love is like that and I had grown to love him even without seeing him in person…only skype.

These next days will be painful and sad I know. I want to fight it and be so strong as many a time in this blog I have wrongly announced I was. But sadly I am not. And it seems that this time he has given up…maybe he was never really ‘there’ in the first place. I filled a void in his life and entertained him for a while and at present he has his family and all the attention he needs…until he goes back to his long lonely shifts on the road. He admitted to me once that he needed attention. He was able to show me his vulnerable side and open up to me. It is what made me fall for him. Most men won’t. He is not like most men…

It hurts. I am back there again….

to be continued…

 

Hello from Nutty central..

Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier.  Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.

He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago,  whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!

Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco  executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he  enjoyed it which I also admired.

I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.

I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.

Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…

The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.

But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer  to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.

And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.

So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Beyond it all..6 months on…I can hear Barbara!! hahaha

It occurred to me today that  it has been exactly 6 months since I got off the plane from my heartbreaking trip to the U.S and when I think about how devastated yet numb I was that day I still sometimes think…my god..did it really happened that way. Was that person really someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and held so high that I thought he could walk on water?

How could I have been so naive and fall for months of BS? The quick and lethal buildup; “This is our second chance, some people never even get a first”, “There is a reason we are here, lets take this chance now…I am not the kind that waits we need to do this now” “Can I tell you something? I LOVE YOU” (said in the 2nd week of our reconnect over the phone in a 2 hour phone conversation), “I am not comfortable with not speaking over the weekend; call me at 1pm your time” (said when I wanted to give him a break over a weekend because I knew he was having a party for his daughters birthday so I said we would speak on the Monday but he was having none of that and continued to message me through the ‘party’, if there really was one “The party feels naked without you” “I miss my hostess being by my side” “We should be doing this together, I imagine us doing everything together”) YADA YADA….

Sadly, there is so much more, that can’t be conveyed in these posts it was full on and fast and thick. IT WAS LIES, and manipulation crafted by a sociopathic narcissist whom I actually believe that he believed every word coming out of his mouth at that point in time…the classic first phase “Idealization” where they put you on a pedestal, make you the centre of their world, are in contact frequently showering you with praise and flattery and telling you you are so connected in so many ways, soul mates even….I remember Joe even said a number of times “Oh that’s so weird, did we just do that? We wrote to each other at the same time, so far across the water and yet”

I FELL FOR IT, ….HOOK… line and massive sinker in the end…!

I can laugh about it now, and I actually do. The pain is gone but it is replaced by embarrassment but only temporarily because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this ‘out of body’ situation. And I feel very sorry for the numbers of people not just women but men too who live for years in the crazy hell that is a narcissists world of “Idealization, devalue and discard” and in many cases horrific long term psychological abuse and very possibly physical too and many who stay in that hell for 20, 30 years….my god. I got off lightly.

As quoted by the blog the Thought catalog one of thousands of well written blogs of experience in this phenomenon;

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

And the lessons I have learned from it make it so worthwhile. It forced me to take a long hard look at my life. The depression that followed was tough. The first I had survived without medication in nearly 2 decades and I am so damn proud of myself for that. Grateful that my spirit never waned for very long although it threatened to.

It is hard for many to understand how it is difficult to ‘let go’ when you go through this type of experience. Unless you have been there I guess you never will. But, once through it and as a survivor it brings with it many wonderful things you learn about yourself and a strength you never thought you had. But I do have a slightly ‘crazy’ side to me and in a weird way I allow it out every now and then…to play…to entertain myself…sometimes I make up a more positive scenario where it was all some silly mistake and we find our way back to each other again…third time lucky! Yes, I know….don’t say it…think it, but don’t say it!

I still have days when I feel him. I still write to him (I know..in every instance you are told ‘no contact’ is the only way) but I know he doesn’t read my emails anyway (they probably go to spam, but they do go and are not ‘blocked’ as such) and in a sense I get to tell him what I feel and in some crazy way it helps. I even called him again the other day, in a drunken stupor, heard that caramel voice (yes I have a sick obsession with his voice) and left a phone message which I am sure he listens to and gets some weird thrill from the fact that I still seem under his spell. And he is controlling me without having to do anything…and from what I saw when I was with him…he LOVES CONTROL.

I sometimes wonder if this is the same as the sick world of bondage, discipline and masochism where people get a thrill out of being tied up and whipped, are yelled at and spoken down to and they love it, it excites them sexually. I remember watching a documentary on that crazy world on tele one day…there are whole industries around it and other ‘out there’ behaviour. I guess as long as you are not hurting anyone and there is mutual consent, why not if you are that way inclined.

So 6 months on…I hear Barbara “Memories…light the corners of my mind, misty watered coloured memories..of the way we were…..”….:)

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Oh dear! ….Excuse the mass expletives…baring the soul

As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!

I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.

I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.

I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.

I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.

It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.

I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.

My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.

Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.

Amongst the merde….thank you Universe

It’s funny how in the midst of all that is going and just when you think things are just ‘merde’ (french for excrement) all of a sudden the universe steps in and says I really am on your side, you just need to have faith!

I’ve been busy looking after my mum, she is currently in ‘peel me a grape’ mode but I really don’t mind anymore, I have made my peace with the past and let it go, finally. I have been a bit frustrated and sad about the fact that my son’s illness is progressing and there is not a damn thing I can do about and it in itself threatened to derail me but with effort, exercise and other things I am feeling the best I have felt in quite a while.

And there is still a worry about trying to get work sorted or start this business I have been trying to for a while but I am starting to realise that things happen when they are meant to and sometimes it is not until you really open your eyes you can see the minor miracles you get in life, the times that make you smile like a Cheshire cat and you finally appreciate life’s journey.

I decided amongst all the crap to join a dating site, yes, even though I had chaos going on around me I thought why not? Just out of the blue. Not an altogether sane thing to do when life is a bit messy. Not your casual hook up site but a slightly more genuine one, if you can really say that about dating sites! Something needed to take me out of the ‘I think I still love that raving narcissist even though he hurt me bad’ holding pattern I was in in my mind, and I had worked hard to try purge myself of. And for a while now I have felt it would be lovely to have a nice man in my life even after what I went through with ‘the devil’, someone to share the journey with. So I joined with the mindset that if its meant to be it will be. No rush, no fuss.

So, I managed to talk to a number of fairly nice men, just talk, I wrote some pretty straight up things in my profile and thought ‘that will sort the wheat from the chaf!’ nutters, twats and arrogant arseholes need not apply kind of thing but in a more subtle way.

Blow me down, all of a sudden a good one came…someone who has made me see that there are really some decent men out there that know how to treat a woman, right down to opening the car door for her…chivalry is not dead thank f..ck!

We have gone on some marvelous dates and are really enjoying the getting to know one another, but it feels like and it is mutual we have both found a real connection. It is easy, not hard. It is how it should be, relationships should not be hard. And last night we finally crossed the threshold (!) and by god it was worth the wait! Both of us wanted to wait but our feelings were so strong (both of us, in unison not just one of us in our head!) and it is the most wonderful way to express your feelings for someone. I am smiling…like the Cheshire Cat!

Now I know it is early days, and I have made some really stupid choices in men in my life and my past was a very big reason why I got myself there but these months of working on myself have paid off and I was very prepared to take things incredibly slow and let it go if it wasn’t right. I still am, I have learnt my lessons and I will not ever allow someone into my life that doesn’t consider me and treat me right. I would rather be on my own than bother with that and that is a giant leap for me considering my past history….for my new found sense of self after all this time, I am grateful.

As I write this he has just sent me a text ‘Good morning xxxx’, simple but thoughtful. He is like that. I appreciate that so. He smiles a beautiful smile and it is genuine. It’s a feeling you get and you just know. I hadn’t REALLY felt it before but with him I can. With him I smile, really smile. And we laugh alot. Our conversations are open and honest and no subject is taboo. I have always been open and very honest (to a fault), but it is nice to have that reciprocated and know that it comes from a good place…a true place. After these many tough months there is a warmth and happiness in my life again and I am going to cherish it for how ever long it lasts.

I started writing this well over an hour ago and just after I wrote the above paragraph he called me and we have been on the phone  for a fair while. We are catching up again tomorrow, its soon and appears to be becoming regular which is bloody marvelous but also kind of scary too, but in a good way….I guess time will tell…..love and white light x

When you’ve tried but it threatens to overtake you again…

I have just spent an hour on the phone to a Social worker who originally called to get information about facilitating my mothers return home after some days in hospital and they ended up counselling me, although I have a feeling they may have known I needed it, and my mum did say something to them apparently now I remember her saying. I was sobbing. After a nice run of feeling OK again and looking forward to “getting on with it” as so many put it, I am back in struggle street with my mind, things are just…

This person was good, she managed to ferret out a lot of what I must have been bottling in or what I thought I was handling but obviously I have been impatient with myself and just expecting too much. The last couple of days I have been really struggling. Even to the point where I contemplated ‘leaving’ again. It was only for a short time before I got my senses back again, I used my sons as my anchor again and it worked..even though for a brief moment in my complete despair I even thought they would be better off without me and I barely get to see them anyway these days.

The struggle, the fight with the mind and the negative self talk, the hating yourself for your weaknesses…that is the hardest part of this..I know medication may take the edge off for a while but inevitably for me it doesn’t work and makes me feel even worse..sounds strange but true.

When I reeled off all the things that are contributing to my state of mind she said ‘My god, you have every right to be feeling so overwhelmed look at what you are and have been dealing with’.

But I remember last night watching a tv show about the women being rescued who had been captured in the middle east by isis and how many have endured unspeakable torture, rape and even death of family members. They blurred vision of one woman who was stoned to death by her ‘bastard’ captors those isis bastards and even her own father helped and I felt such anger and hatred for those men and felt incredibly guilty that I even felt any difficulty with my situation…that is what happens with me..I feel everything so deeply and I want to help people but I am not even capable of keeping myself upright for any long length of time at present…and I desperately need to.

I know the fact that I haven’t exercised for 2 weeks and have had a few more drinks than I usually allow myself these days hasn’t helped, it really is a viable alternative to the medication I have found that but you must be extremely consistent with it and also combine with CBT and other therapies and keep it up. I was almost there. Then I had another period of not being able to get the narcissist out of my head and the whole scenario, the trust I had put in him, the love and the hope and realising how stupid I had been and going over the whole association with him from when I was 16 to the reconnect over a year ago now and how things started and then the psychological games he played that I hand;t realised until it was too late and I was hooked.  And how I can’t talk to people about it because after so long as someone said to me recently whom I dared to mention it too “JUST GET OVER IT” it’s time, etc. People don’t understand how devastating and psychologically damaging an association with a narcissist can be especially when they are so covert about their actions, and the devalue and discard can be brutal. That coupled with my complete mental strip down over the last months, dealing with old abuse issues etc its left me not liking many people at all. Even though I do feel for what I see in the news etc daily.  I started to just not want to talk to people again. I got on Facebook and it probably looked OK to people on there but that was almost all I could handle in dealing with people. Right now, the way I am feeling I feel so disappointed with most human beings and there is something wrong with that I know but it is just how I feel.

Writing this publicly may or may not help but writing it out like this seems to…a little

How do you rise above that way of thinking?

I am feeling quite dizzy right now, I need to rest….

Why the fog still?…swings and roundabouts…no wonder…

I am really struggling today and I am so damn tired of it all.  No wonder psych told me to seriously consider going back on meds even if a low dose for a short time. I have been trying to fight this BS on my own, deal, unmedicated, I did so well to get off them after 17 years but I know they would temporarily lift this merde just enough to get my mind some relief. Today I am tempted for the first time.

It seems like I take steps forward and then go backwards again. (I was really starting to do OK, until the Joe debacle, why did the universe see fit to bring him back into my life after so many years…and a man that has had such a bad effect on me, why him?…all of the circumstances including the fact that he is half a world away, I don’t understand why, it would help but I know trying to get  answers to certain things is futile yet I still…its not just about him though, I know that but it was the catalyst and what happened was real). I need to accept, I need to accept…

Yesterday, I read about other disorders of the mind aside from Narcs like how you can self sabotage, masochism etc trying to find answers and it seems the more options of crazy I see they all seem to be relevant in some way but it still doesn’t help this horrible dark hole I am in. If anything it reveals more cracks and I’m on swings and roundabouts.  It’s almost like I am doing a psych degree by default.

My mind is slightly foggy today. I keep writing, not for sympathy but to get it out and open and some days even that is tough and I really don’t care right now what people think, truly, as I said the psych encourages it and I know there are days I am so grateful for this outlet. It is quite unorthodox to do it this way, or it was, for people to be open about depression and such but I think the more you can get the reality of it out there maybe people will understand. Not for me, but I know there are always people worse off.

I hit another bad point this morning when I spoke with my younger son, he is such a gorgeous young man, beautiful heart and soul and he loves his mum..he shows it regularly but when he is so wonderful I become so wracked again with an incredible guilt it is such a ridiculous cycle..you want them to be happy and have faith in you and then when they realise you are struggling they give you this unconditional love and then you feel you have let them down badly. IT IS AN AWFUL FEELING. And I am so glad that I never let them see me struggling until recently. It would have wrecked them as kids.

If I held it together then why can’t I now? Maybe that was an illusion, maybe I was not as together as I thought.

My younger son said how much his older brother misses me (I haven’t seen him since I before I left for the U.S. and there are ridiculously difficult reasons for that too) and it made me breakdown again, as I write this I am crying. I know I will get above this I have to. But I am confused in the true sense of the word. Today. I have to try limit this. I have to will myself out of thinking this way, give it its time and then put good thinking habits in practice…perhaps you really do need to completely deconstruct to reconstruct…

Can’t keep writing right now, not publicly. Maybe in my journal later with pen and paper…but I need to deal..to smile..somehow…

Bring on the straitjacket…. The more you know.. . Part two..

You really know something is wrong when you continue to bash your head against the wall. It’s a cliche but the old saying that ‘the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different outcome’ rings true here…

I spent a great deal of yesterday going over and over things, thinking and feeling the pain trying to find some order in the chaos. Predominantly him but also how it all relates to my childhood and the following years.  I realised my father was not only an alcoholic abusive he was a narc (there is a spectrum of narcissism) and my mother even though most would look at her and say oh she wouldn’t hurt  fly is a psych case and a very selfish person (the amount of times she told me how weak and useless I was..she is herself illiterate and made no attempt to fix that over the years she preferred people to help and feel sorry for her), and my narc relationships; colleagues, bosses, a teacher that told me I would only ever be a checkout chick at a supermarket (not that there is anything wrong with that..being a shop assistant, it is good honest work). What bloody hope did I have? When you’ve been hammered with it it is hard to see yourself through any other perspective. Then I look at me , I think about the resentment I carry; my parents, my relationships, my sons illness and other shit and it would be so much easier to say….I GIVE UP. I never have completely..but I’ve been so close…

My psych told me to write this list out as part of my homework. I haven’t done it yet because I thought I had forgotten alot of the things this list asks me to recall and put in columns. They have been buried in the chasm…now they are coming out. This is my ‘total recall’ but I ain’t hallucinating and they aren’t false memories.

It has to happen in order to really heal. To wipe the slate as clean as you can get it. Reality is you never forget completely, but you can and must forgive and let go.

My psych did say that I have shown a lot of courage in my willingness to deal with shit. Admitting your part in it everything as well..it’s a process and many prefer to assume they are good just how they are, never going forward.  Some live in ignorant bliss and I guess that is fine because that is their journey…their journey.

The real worrying aspect of the sum total of my learning and experiences, programming and patterns in all this is a paranoia that possibly I could actually be a narc myself?( Some of the criteria includes anxiousness and depression with some narcs and chronic underachievement and I have always thought of what I was capable of but never quite hit the mark although I have done things that many others would never do too! eeekk!) Would that be an incredible twist? Scary.

But then over time I start to think of all of the good things that have happened and then I find some relief. It is getting my mind to stop the replay, the rumination, when you are in this state its not easy to do. When you are tired of it all it is hard to find the strength for the mental battle. To practice good habits instead of bad. The saving grace in it all is that I am aware of all this shit and trying to do something about it. Bring on the straitjacket…just in case….