too low for zero…those frigging groundhogs

Often when going through a depression it is difficult to wake up, you peel one eye open and even if the sun is shining through the curtain, say “oh whats the use?” and if lucky manage to fall back to sleep again. Sleeping is a welcome relief from the negative thoughts and ruminations, the anxiety you feel about having to interact with other humans because often you simply do not want to be anywhere near them, and the thought about how you are going to get yourself through the day. (Mind you that is when you have the semi functioning form of it).

I get a message this morning from a dear friend who tells me he has been diagnosed with ‘cancer of the esophagus’ and I sit for a while..in bed…in shock. I am not sure how to process this. After all it is not me, it is him that is about to go through a very tough journey but hopefully win the fight. I will be as ‘there’ for him as I can be (he is in Sydney and I am in Perth) but I am at present here because as I have mentioned many times because of my beautiful eldest son who is suffering the effect of a degenerative illness with no hope for a cure and at present it has progressed more rapidly than before. Why has this happened to people I love and care about the most. Why does it not happen to the evil bastards out there instead?

I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my boy yesterday and it lifted me immensely. Every moment I get to spend with him is a joy. A temporary relief from the constant feeling of what my psych calls pre-grief or anticipatory grief. Grief comes in many forms. It often accompanies certain feelings of guilt too especially as a parent that your child has this and why is it not you instead. You would give anything for it to be you instead. Or to find a way to make it all go away.

Often lately I just feel either highly emotional or completely numb. But compared to how low I got when I was depressed and yet on medication it seems I can at times still pull out of it for a while. I have been getting myself to the gym in the last weeks trying to lift out of it and gain strength and perspective again. Even going back to my psych for much needed psychotherapy which means I am no longer self medicating as much with alcohol etc. When I drink now I know I will be happy for a little while and then know I will feel low the next day but awareness when you can be helps.

And then into the mix I try relationships, still, even though it really probably isn’t the best time but I figure that this cycle of depression, grief and just general crap has been part of my life wasted in the last few years and am aware that time passes quickly. I dont want to say this next chapter this decade (I felt like my entire 40’s was pretty much a dead loss with the exception of my time bringing up and being with my sons) is also a waste.

So I keep trying. I believe in love.

I am one of those idiots who feels that remaining friends with exes and love interests should be easier than it actually is. I am a communicator, sometimes overly so but that is me. For years I kept the lines of communication open for my boys’ sakes with their father and it worked very well until it became abundantly clear that his new wife was incredibly insecure about it and me and started to cause all sorts of rubbish. Thankfully by that time my boys were grown enough that she could have no negative influence on them and how they are as people. There is a whole chapter on that crazy shit and in all honesty…it ain’t worth the energy.

Then the other night I spoke to a certain someone, after we had mended the fence slightly over the course of a week or so, slowly, and I thought that we could move forward and stay friends at least and then that came crashing down with an almighty bang ending with me hanging up after saying ‘you will not have to the chance to hurt me again’. This time I meant it. For self preservation. This guy was subtle but for me it was death by a thousand cuts.

I seem to be drawn to headcases. The unreachable. It is almost as if I choose these crazy bastards because I am comfortable in the ‘zone of pain’. It feels normal to me. If someone comes to me and is enamoured and gives me too much love and respect I can’t cope and it doesn’t feel right.

I am working on that. As I said I have started going back to my psych because on top of how careless I am with my heart I am not handling many things well. And I know it.

I was so drunk the other night, after my phone call with the above mentioned (I can’t say his codename because he reads and gets very annoyed with me, not that I should care anymore anyway as we will never talk to each other again. I am also annoyed that I let his attitude to my blogging effect my regular writing. I was too concerned about what he would think and that was stupid. Yet another man trying to control me. Never again) I also texted the ‘him’ (yank 1) in ‘life beyond him’ and made mention of how impressed I was with his amazingly large manhood albeit somewhat faulty these days it seemed…are you supposed to harangue a narcissist? Too bad, I did.

Yes I have lost it and at this point in time my care factor is zero. I am as Elton John would say “too low for zero”. (See song https://youtu.be/PjzkGKczRNY).

But in there still is yank 2. We still talk on skype at least once a week, even if not as long as we did and it is his friendship and our crazy illuminated, animated conversations that have helped. He talks me through things with intelligent perspective. He is as off the wall as I. It is sad it is only friendship but it is much treasured.

When will groundhog day cease and things start to make sense.

Love and whitelight xx

Advertisements

The morning after…contemplation

My post last night was written in haste and tiddly haze after what was a very disappointing day. Life is full of days like that I know, but I guess the secret in life is not to expect too much and then you won’t be as disappointed.

I had that conversation with the yank, about expectations. At times we had some good conversations in our early days prior to his true colours being revealed. Or  at least my ability to witness it first hand. It takes time for someone to reveal their real self. Added to the mix is the cover of Social media, and our method of communicating these days. Alot of it is just not real or pretence disguised as real. It is so easy to pretend these days.

I think that is where I fall down. I can’t pretend to be anything other than me.

After my job interview yesterday I felt I had been as open and honest as I can be. I admitted to the interviewer that my work record in the last 2 years was a bit scattered because I had been dealing with life’s curve balls as profoundly as I could and had suffered major depression (on top of some really challenging real life issues). I don’t think that went down well even though he pulled all the right facial expressions and uttered the ‘right’ words. The thing is, it is harder to pretend when face to face. I think I read people fairly well when they are in front of me, it is intuitive.  I am well qualified for the job, in fact he seemed concerned it might be a bit too basic with no chance of moving up. But to me work is work, I am at a different point in my life.

Then I went to meet the man I’ve been dating. He asked me the day before but I wanted to prepare for the interview, go to the gym and just have a good nights sleep. He messaged me alot with the dumbest jokes, it was as if he needed to keep talking to me, but I was trying to cook dinner so I said I would see him the next day. So as planned I met him at the Pub we met at originally. He works hard physically and then goes to the pub nearly everyday after. Or drinks at home. I hadn’t realised initially that was how it was going to be and when it dawned on me the reality saddened me. He is an alcoholic. He doesn’t care what he is doing to himself, he even said so and when I tried to talk with him about it he would argue that I was being judgmental. Apparently he was starting to feel like I was judging him about everything. It seemed as if he wasn’t feeling stimulated unless he was arguing. I won’t do that. It’s a waste of time.

So after several drinks he insisted on going home to his house and continuing there. Once there, it was on again. So I packed up and walked out. Seems like  a common theme to me lately. I walked out on the Yank in Arizona after flying half way around the world to see him (his behaviour was unacceptable too, but not alcohol fuelled, just narcissistic manipulative games). I think both of them thought I would participate in their games and crap. NO. Hell no.

So back to the drawing board. If I give up on love it will be a sad and lonely life. Love is the thing and I do believe in it wholeheartedly. It will come. The right person is near I feel it, and when it’s right, it’s right. FAITH.

Love and white light xx

Beyond it all..6 months on…I can hear Barbara!! hahaha

It occurred to me today that  it has been exactly 6 months since I got off the plane from my heartbreaking trip to the U.S and when I think about how devastated yet numb I was that day I still sometimes think…my god..did it really happened that way. Was that person really someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and held so high that I thought he could walk on water?

How could I have been so naive and fall for months of BS? The quick and lethal buildup; “This is our second chance, some people never even get a first”, “There is a reason we are here, lets take this chance now…I am not the kind that waits we need to do this now” “Can I tell you something? I LOVE YOU” (said in the 2nd week of our reconnect over the phone in a 2 hour phone conversation), “I am not comfortable with not speaking over the weekend; call me at 1pm your time” (said when I wanted to give him a break over a weekend because I knew he was having a party for his daughters birthday so I said we would speak on the Monday but he was having none of that and continued to message me through the ‘party’, if there really was one “The party feels naked without you” “I miss my hostess being by my side” “We should be doing this together, I imagine us doing everything together”) YADA YADA….

Sadly, there is so much more, that can’t be conveyed in these posts it was full on and fast and thick. IT WAS LIES, and manipulation crafted by a sociopathic narcissist whom I actually believe that he believed every word coming out of his mouth at that point in time…the classic first phase “Idealization” where they put you on a pedestal, make you the centre of their world, are in contact frequently showering you with praise and flattery and telling you you are so connected in so many ways, soul mates even….I remember Joe even said a number of times “Oh that’s so weird, did we just do that? We wrote to each other at the same time, so far across the water and yet”

I FELL FOR IT, ….HOOK… line and massive sinker in the end…!

I can laugh about it now, and I actually do. The pain is gone but it is replaced by embarrassment but only temporarily because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this ‘out of body’ situation. And I feel very sorry for the numbers of people not just women but men too who live for years in the crazy hell that is a narcissists world of “Idealization, devalue and discard” and in many cases horrific long term psychological abuse and very possibly physical too and many who stay in that hell for 20, 30 years….my god. I got off lightly.

As quoted by the blog the Thought catalog one of thousands of well written blogs of experience in this phenomenon;

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

And the lessons I have learned from it make it so worthwhile. It forced me to take a long hard look at my life. The depression that followed was tough. The first I had survived without medication in nearly 2 decades and I am so damn proud of myself for that. Grateful that my spirit never waned for very long although it threatened to.

It is hard for many to understand how it is difficult to ‘let go’ when you go through this type of experience. Unless you have been there I guess you never will. But, once through it and as a survivor it brings with it many wonderful things you learn about yourself and a strength you never thought you had. But I do have a slightly ‘crazy’ side to me and in a weird way I allow it out every now and then…to play…to entertain myself…sometimes I make up a more positive scenario where it was all some silly mistake and we find our way back to each other again…third time lucky! Yes, I know….don’t say it…think it, but don’t say it!

I still have days when I feel him. I still write to him (I know..in every instance you are told ‘no contact’ is the only way) but I know he doesn’t read my emails anyway (they probably go to spam, but they do go and are not ‘blocked’ as such) and in a sense I get to tell him what I feel and in some crazy way it helps. I even called him again the other day, in a drunken stupor, heard that caramel voice (yes I have a sick obsession with his voice) and left a phone message which I am sure he listens to and gets some weird thrill from the fact that I still seem under his spell. And he is controlling me without having to do anything…and from what I saw when I was with him…he LOVES CONTROL.

I sometimes wonder if this is the same as the sick world of bondage, discipline and masochism where people get a thrill out of being tied up and whipped, are yelled at and spoken down to and they love it, it excites them sexually. I remember watching a documentary on that crazy world on tele one day…there are whole industries around it and other ‘out there’ behaviour. I guess as long as you are not hurting anyone and there is mutual consent, why not if you are that way inclined.

So 6 months on…I hear Barbara “Memories…light the corners of my mind, misty watered coloured memories..of the way we were…..”….:)

003

IMG_20140829_0005_NEW

It’s human I guess…forward, backward or the same…

It feels like everything is almost at a standstill right now, I can hear the tick tock of the clock in the hallway which tells me it isn’t but as I look out at the garden from my window I am aware of this moment and yet my mind keeps flitting into ‘go’ mode; what next, what should I be doing now, how do I make the most of this time and where am I headed in the future. It’s ridiculous, the mind chatter. I have learnt to be in the moment a bit more and yet I struggle at times to keep the chatter at bay still, it takes practice, persistence and patience.

Realistically, things are almost at a standstill. I am still recovering from flu and a long depressive bout, heartbreak, soul search, life transition…what am I expecting of myself? My life?

On the up side I met with my company yesterday, my boss and the inevitable HR rep. They were for the most part very welcoming and understanding and we are working on a time frame. It was at times difficult to answer some of the questions without feeling a lump in my throat but I have come to accept that I am still slightly more emotionally heightened as my mind and body tries to regulate and find ‘it’s groove’.

There seemed to be a concern at why I did not choose to go back on medication, as if that would be the answer to all my woes. I am used to this. The lay person and medico’s alike are all for it..with gusto.

I guess that is a common human response these days, if there is a quick fix, a magic pill let’s just do that and get on with it. Who has the time or inclination to do the work on self, unmedicated, why would you?

I do not, agree. My choice is right for me, I know it and if it takes time and the ride is difficult I don’t care the effort is worth it I am already seeing that. There is an undercurrent of strength there that I recognise had not been there before even though I had been told many times I seem like a strong person, I had never believed it until now. That is a big thing for me. Those that have questioned their value in this life will understand that.

So, even though I am forced to semi standstill at the moment I can be conscious of what I need to do to keep going forward and keep working on strengthening my mind and body. I have been invited out to Friday drinks, a farewell to an ex colleague many companies ago. A couple of the girls I stay in touch with and know we probably always will. I really want to go but the antibiotics (yes, I did cave on that one but it was necessary in this case!) have not quite kicked in and I want to be well enough to go back to gym as soon as possible, it is important for my mind.

I will probably have a glass of good red this afternoon and put some good music on, I need my music, it feeds my soul. I did ask the pharmacist and he winked at me and said a glass of red wouldn’t hurt.

‘He’ (Joe the narc) used to say to me that my ‘partying’ (meaning drinking) would be a contentious issue between us. He had very specific ideas on how I should behave and what I should do I came to realise, part of his need to control every aspect. I don’t ‘party’ often. I did not drink at all for the many months we were connected because of his issue with it.

Ironically it did feel good being alcohol free for a long period of time, it helped my mind and body and it also proved I could be. But I now make the decision for myself  and try to self regulate. There is no point in fooling yourself.

I have felt slightly reflective in the last day or two about a number of things including him. But one brought a bit of sadness, a dear friend I have known since I was 8 years old was just married for the first time. We are both 49. They had the ceremony in Koh Samui, Thailand. I love Thailand and Koh Samui.  I have seen photos it looked amazing. She looked beautiful and happy. And I am so glad she is happy, she deserves it.

Somehow, our friendship is not what it used to be. I felt sad that I couldn’t be there with her, she was my maid of honour at my wedding many years ago. I am long divorced. We had some crazy times together as kids like trying to catch fish using canned sardines for bait! Obviously without success!  Over the years I was so involved with my sons especially my eldest and what his neurodegenerative disease would do to him (he was priority and trying to keep my depressions hidden from the boys as they grew up and function on high at all times was difficult but necessary) and she was never really there for that and equally just over a year ago she lost her mum from breast cancer and I wasn’t there for her or really seeing her son (my godson) as he grew up.  I regret that, hers was a friendship that meant alot to me. We still support each other from afar via Facebook with the odd ‘like’ and comment. I am so happy for her she has found a partner for life, I hope it will be for life.

I have come to accept there are things we can’t change, it is past. Friends grow apart, our lives go in different directions, c’est la vie.

In the future I hope to rekindle some of the old friendships that I treasure and perhaps put more into it than I have been capable of until now. Time will tell. Right now an almost standstill, but that is not so bad when you need it…..

It would be easy to standstill….stay away from the zone

So this morning after a very restless night and crazy dream filled sleep I’ve been thinking about how easy it would be to remain in this holding pattern because it feels safe and it’s pretty much what I have known for the last few months. After what turned out to be the best weekend I have had in a very long time (my Aussie rules football team had a great win late yesterday, I watched the game and overall the weekend had me feeling genuinely pleased about things for a change!! Sounds trite I guess but these months have been tough) I find I must keep away from the zone and try get out and make plans, move forward but that feeling in my gut is hovering. As much as it is discomfort you have to push out of it…when you can…

It is probably hard for many to understand, when you’ve been so low and depressed for a period of time and you become estranged and isolated from the real world only participating minimally the anxiety and fear you feel about re-engaging can be very real and debilitating. But what happened on the weekend was a grand step and a confirmation that I have turned that corner and I can do what I had feared I couldn’t; rejoin life properly with a future in sight. It’s important to remember there is no magic switch.

So the challenge is to keep moving. Today I have to see my Doctor anyway and I have decided to take my gym bag with me and visit the gym after my appointment. I know that exercise is important in my recovery and I must do it, regularly from this point on.

I emailed my boss this morning and told him we should meet soon, there was trepidation as I wrote it but I have to keep pushing forward. I have no idea after all this time what the meeting outcome will be, perhaps they have held off releasing me from the job because they did not want to make a bad situation worse and add to my situation. They have been amazing throughout this time, I am very blessed to have been associated with such an organisation.

No matter the outcome there will be a way forward I have to hold that in my mind. It feels like I may be trying to run instead of walk but I need to set achievable goals and take the steps now so that I don’t go backwards. Even if small steps.

Perhaps soon will be the time to start the business I was on the brink of starting when I met HIM again for the first time in years and things all changed and I put it all on hold after he initially was in such a rush for me to go to him….that was in the manic love bombing days (one day I will write more of his many words which now I realise were quite full on but I think need to be covered for sheer humour and ridiculousness…it can be related to by many who have ever had anything to do with a narcissist in the early days where they are hyper-vigilant and on some strange high about their new supply), I had come off anti-depressants and it all seemed like some beautiful gift from the gods.

In one conversation 3rd week in when he asked me if I knew he had always been there inside of me he said “I have imagined what I will say as your plane lands I will say to myself ‘my girl is home'”. At the time it was a romantic wonderful thing for him to say but months later when I did eventually arrive I am almost certain he was not thinking that….he had already started the cycles of devalue.

But I can’t re-visit that right now, I mustn’t. In time I will be able to perhaps but not now.

I have been asked out tomorrow night by someone I met the other night and I am seriously thinking about it. He has messaged me regularly since then, it has been a nice and flattering distraction. Perhaps too soon. But once again I need to just do things and keep moving until it all becomes natural.

It is my youngest sons birthday Saturday and I want to do something nice for him perhaps a dinner….

Oh wow…on cue he has just text me….I need to sign off for now….

Finally…could this be? No dignified exit…but if it works

It’s hard to tell right now. I am still in the next morning haze. In fact, it’s entirely possible I am still slightly inebriated. I did not get to bed until after one a.m. Wasn’t pretty. Had to be done. The stomping of that sucker so hard into the ground there would be no coming back from it. There was no other way…I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I’d hit my limit.

And anyway, I needed to treat it in the same way I was treated…with disdain. I’m not usually a tit for tatter but after all was said and done….it just may have worked. There is no compunction.

I’ve written a few times previously with next day remorse. A..at the imbibing! and B..regret that I did the long distance equivalent of a drunken dial..writing an email. BUT. I did not do that last night. I had no urge whatsoever to make contact. In fact I listened to every song that played without any sad memory or pain about him. Every time his imaged dared to peak my mind would immediately replace his with the gorgeous face of my current carrot…the handsome and debonair Aussie entrepreneur…he had to have clout to push the other out of my head (I had read somewhere recently where a woman did that..every time she thought about the ex she would say to herself ‘no’ and she would imagine her new partner to be…and eventually it the picture of her ex would no longer form in her mind). I couldn’t use Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I actually am not attracted to them at all, funnily enough. I’ve never been able to work out what the deal is there, except for the fact that they are damn good actors!

It sounds crazy I know. But the mind is a tricky thing and you need to fight back in whatever way you can…create new pathways. Love sucks, no, let me change that by saying it sucks when you love the wrong person. I dated a handsome frenchman once…it’s true what they say about them! But we had a lot of fun, especially on our trip all around the South of France and his stock standard response to most things was “C’est la vie!”.  Too right.

This whole scenario had almost put me in the ground. It should never have got to where it got to. But it did. It is one thing to be in a bad depression but to be in one with grief from a broken heart, knowing you were deceived in whatever form (I must say..loving a narcissist is one hell of an experience..it really fucks with your mind), through loving the person you thought was the one…I know I’m not the only one who has lost love its an age old story. But something has died….a number of things have…parts of my past also and I needed to grieve it.

Now to work on getting completely out of the overwhelming nothingness I have felt in the last weeks. For the last weeks I have not been able to look forward…if I did..all I could see was more of the same and it scared me. I did not want that. I have never felt so alone and yet I isolated myself….that is depression. You don’t want people to see you failing. And many just do not know what to say to you or how to help. They can’t really. It is up to you and yet somehow it’s not either.

I do feel I am coming out of it finally. I must take it one day at a time I know but perhaps this is it? Please…..