Divine timing…realisations

It almost got me again. That thing. That slow spiral decent into the deep dark place where there seems to be no hope. Where all you want to do is shut the world out, close the curtains and stay in foetal position swathed in the only warmth you can find; that of shuteye and sleep in bed where nothing and no one can harm you. Where your mind can get some form of peace.

BUT IT DIDN’T. I skirted the edge of the precipice and this time avoided the dive into the abyss. I gave myself a few days of misery and self flagellation and somehow I lifted myself up and started to think of all the reasons why this apparent ‘end of the world’ situation was not actually the end of the world; IT WAS THE GIFT OF DIVINE TIMING…

I started several posts over the last month since I last posted in this blog only to save the draft with the intention of publishing later. And never did. It is over a month now that I last wrote and as I read back that post and know how much has happened since then I realise that no matter how much I wanted to control the future I just could not.

I lost my job last week. It came like a bolt out of the blue because I thought I was doing well. I was told that I could not perform at the level required of me because I had not acquired (expected through self education in my own time) over the last month or so on the job the ‘advanced excel skills’ required to do what she needed me to do; different than what I thought I was actually required to do when I was hired yet never discussed in the 10 minute interview (yes, she only talked to me for ten minutes and decided I was the one to hire),  which was a job I have nearly 10 years experience in. It simply wasn’t enough.

A cold slap in the career face which as per usual I immediately internalised. And my ‘partner’ of sorts, the yank  criticized me saying that I was a ‘field of red flags’ and that I must have been ‘let go’ for a reason…yes he judged without knowing the facts for which he later made a very heartfelt apology and referred to himself as an ‘asshole’ and having had a ‘bad case of hubris’. That is what I love about him, he has the capacity to admit when he is wrong, apologise and rectify. He also tells me things I do not want to hear that others wouldn’t and says ‘I am not rejecting you’ and sticks with us even when the distance and other factors seems to be against us and always asks me ‘just hang in there baby, it is worth it’. And he feels empathy..something that other narcissistic yanky arsehole could not. But I digress.

So not only had I lost my job which at my age (now 50) brings about an incredible level of self doubt and fear but the person who had not long before that told me ‘I love you babe’ was saying “wake up and smell the roses”. It was as if he was cutting me loose as well.

I was lost for a few days. Sad, hurt, fearful and all the old familiar feelings of pain and inadequacy came pouring through…and it was hard…

With some kind words from  friends, his renewed support and a bit of strength I had finally mustered I made another tough decision. Well, it wasn’t so tough when I flipped all the negative rubbish and took a real good look at things.

This was a gift from the universe, timing and the freedom to do some things I needed to do and sort that had been worrying me for some time.

I was loving it here in some ways, but the main elements were missing; my sons, first and foremost, my love, my friends and feeling really satisfied with what I was doing in my career. The timing for this move here was not right. It was too soon, with so much else that needed to be sorted before I took this leap. And it was brought to my attention in a fast and unexpected way. In my job, my boss had put the kibosh on my being able to go to the July wedding in the states that both Yank and I had been looking forward to attending ‘together’ and it would be our first time face to face after many and regular 2 day a week Skype dates often for hours on end, and constant emails and talking on the phone we would finally see each other. But no, she said no leave. It had saddened and disappointed me and even though he said he understood there was still times he would bring it up. One night he even asked me, just in case I could somehow go, my food preference at the wedding. We both chose the same dish.

My heart was not in this stay here; I was pining for my sons especially knowing that my eldest was now having more difficulty with his disease progressing again and even though when there I could not get to see him often not through want of trying but another trying situation there with my ex husband and his horrid nasty wife, it was was made me give up and fly out far too soon. So many elements were not in place.

Now, there is a very good chance I will make that July wedding in Chicago or very soon thereafter and see my love..he has leave from work so we can spend some real time together. I am flying home to Perth next week and I will see both of my sons poste haste and that makes my soul feel so so good, and I get to sort some things out that really should have been sorted prior to my leaving. And, I have also made some career decisions too. Something I should have done a long time ago, had I had more faith in the universe and more particularly….IN MYSELF.  Watch this space:)

Love and whitelight xxx

 

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In the spirit of ‘go with the flow’

Its been over a week since my last post (Boy, that almost sounds like a confessional doesn’t it…forgive me father for I have sinned its been so long since my last confession).

I have been laying here awake since some ungodly hour…it is now 0423 am, ruminating, something I do far less these days but I guess we all have times like this when we wake and just can’t get back to sleep and then  thoughts raid our minds.

So I got up and made a hot cocoa and decided to write. Ahhh my dear blog I’ve missed you old friend…

Not alot has been happening since the big hoohaa of New Years. But then again did I really expect it would? It’s been 6 days! I haven’t won lotto, haven’t had a marriage proposal…oh now I am waffling..

You see, I kind of broke my cardinal rule. Do not Facebook friend any men I have ‘dated’ because they will see my blog posts as I post through my page (and then reset the privacy feature) and may out of curiosity actually click through and read it. And this has been my private (semi) pleasure and release, most of my readers are overseas (I know this because of the wonderful stats wordpress shows you). They may just see how really damned kooky I am!

But then I said to myself ‘this is you, this is what you do, it is your life and you don’t need to feel censored by other peoples opinions’ as many of us including me have felt and therefore live an inauthentic life. Just go with the flow, do what you want and just relax. Be yourself.

I just started to write about…him (the yank)..and his expectations of me and then I realised that up until this point and even after my random ‘fuck you…wasted too much of my energy on you …OVER’ text in a drunken stupor on New Years eve I rarely think about him or bring him up in conversation anymore, although I did on the weekend because I was discussing the story with a lovely man I’ve met. And I had decided to really step away from ‘the good one’ because I feel he was only ‘good’ to serve his own purpose and was highly averse to confrontation hence the ‘goodness’ ie it was all part of his modus operandi.

I had a lovely weekend. We walked the beach, drank copious amounts of whiskey, talked and laughed and he invited me to stay over and I did. We watched back to back shows off netflix etc  all the next day and couch potatoed and all up it was just lovely and peaceful and he was very good company.

So easy to be with and talk to.

And the funny thing that happened was that he did not want to sleep with me our first night (I say funny because for me I remember going through a ‘this does not compute’ moment). Now I know this is the ‘rule’ that many espouse but I happen to enjoy…the act..immensely… and if I feel like it I just do it. Why not? I am single, free, and at what I consider my prime and dammit if men can why can’t us women? Or those of us that don’t have a problem with it and actually enjoy sex and haven’t got our sphincters tightly clenched “oh, how ghastly, how ho-ish, you have to play hard to get, make them work for it” …Honey, I don’t play games, games are for children.

I know I am not the only one (That doesn’t make it right, and I don’t think it makes it wrong either…it is personal and subjective), but many will not admit to it let alone put it in a public blog! And he had said to me ‘I have never done that in my life, slept with someone I just met’ and ironically I was thinking ‘what the? How old fashioned’ but I guess this goes back to what is ‘socially’ and morally acceptable and the rules and expectations that have been imposed on us, some of which is necessary for absence of chaos! And then your own personal moral compass.

All I know is, I have had enough of regret and choose to live my life as I want to without judging myself and trying not to judge others also. To just ‘go with the flow’.

So it seems he and I will become good friends, well at this point it does. We seem to connect on a different level and it is nice and easy and honest.

Why not enjoy our experiences with people as they flow into and out of our lives often for very good reasons and lessons. Some for life, some for just a fleeting moment. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Love and whitelight xx

Really? Again? Are there any normal people around?

So it’s happened again. I seem to pick them. Total tossers, or men who need their mother to wetnurse them.  One minute I give them the benefit of the doubt and then they just shit all over it. Dude, he really wanted a thing with me but he just could not communicate properly…he would make a statement and then expect an answer…and if it wasn’t the answer that best suited him he would just say :oh, its me I’m not right hey? After a number of days dating… he seemed quite keen…. more than me I’d say which was kind of freaking me out slightly…but I said, Roz, just go with it, go with the flow. I did NO chasing. He seemed ‘normal’, nice, gentlemanly even. Then WHAM.

It just seemed that  he wanted a conversation but he didn’t want an honest one. And by god, after everything lately….I can only give honest. I can not change for anyone. That, is not authentic.

Even today, after  job interview which was quite tiring for me because the man interviewing me seemed ill at ease and frantic to me in some way. I sat thinking; “men are telling us women we are emotional and difficult to deal with” and yet, I am finding them even more so at times!

Am I doomed to being alone in this life? Quite frankly, now, at this point I really don’t give a flying Feck.

I, myself, find that immensely sad in one way…but is it the general way these days?

I espoused the man shed theory… is it real? Or is it creative avoidance?

This man, who had up to a point behaved as an absolute gentleman, was starting to show his colours even only a few days ago. We spent the weekend together as well, and he invited a friend around and said this is my girlfriend! Believe me my eyebrows nearly shot off my face!!. We have seen each other nearly every second day and he would call or message consistently.

But,  not only does he drink like a fish, nearly every day but he calls it “partying”! It’s our time to party, we’ve brought up our kids…so lets drink ourselves stupid….

I’m sorry, but aside from growing out of it recently, yes, Joe the schmoe helped me with that but, why is it one or the other.. I meet a saint or a sinner?

The upshot is, I have finally sat there, listening to the wank and bullshit and said to myself; “this is NOT what I want, not what I deserve”, so I’m letting this one go too because, sadly, it is he, not I who has issues to deal with that sadly I can not help him with.

God knows I have enough shit on my plate.

And after everything, I really do deserve better….Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

Removing the chains that bind….the man-shed theory!

Every day lately starts the same way, well, until today. I had to go to an appointment yesterday about possible work and then after I had a ‘healing’ session with a very good spiritual healer and card reader! Yes, I know, you either believe or you don’t..whatever works for you. Me, I am taking a multi-dimensional approach..haha. After that I took myself out to lunch, but more about that later.

I had been feeling a bit ‘stuck’, as written in my previous post and quite frankly aside from doing things the stock standard way I also thought I would shake it up a little. I have always believed in a higher power, whether that be god, the universe, people have their own beliefs but I also look at things from a scientific approach. To me that is balance. Science deals with the form we take here on this earth and the rest..the spiritual realm by the higher power or powers.

Yesterday after my meeting the impetus was strong to go see this healer and when I walked in to make an appointment she was free immediately (these people are often busy), it was like it was meant to be. I find that. When something is meant to be it flows and there is rarely a roadblock in sight.

Needless to say, she and I sat in a blaze of ‘energy’ that I found quite uplifting after a while, after she had done the healing part and helped by removing the chains or as she called it ‘the mass of balls and chains that have you completely bound, predominantly by the will of others’. She was right. There was alot she said that I had already knew to be true but I guess confirmation in an uncanny way was great.

We spoke about ‘this man’, Joe, and how I could not seem to kick him completely so I asked her how do I break this ridiculous hold he seemed to have over me. Apparently we had strong ties from several past lives (as I said, believe or not but I believe in reincarnation of sorts).

Now this was a bugger to break. Every time I tried to focus as required, eyes closed, hands linked something was doing it’s best to distract me. I had to really focus. Eventually, it happened and the lightness that came upon me at a certain moment was incredible. It made me feel lightheaded even for a time.

Now I don’t know exactly what shifted but as I walked out into the warmth and sunshine my brain felt less scattered and I had a sense of peace about things. Even this morning I have more certainty in what I need to do for myself and feel more grounded even though as I said, after the session I took myself off to lunch and had a few glasses of wine into the mix! Yesterday was a just go with the flow day!

So, I entered the Hotel’s restaurant, solo as I have done many times before. I like to eat out even on my own, I really do not mind my own company and inevitably I end up chatting with people around anyway. I travelled alot for many years and I love the spontaneity of talking to new and interesting people which you are often forced to do when you travel.

The waitress said “is it just you?” and in a slightly miffed moment I said “yes its JUST me”. Inside I was thinking ‘yes it is me only but I am not ‘just”!! Feisty.

After an overpriced and not very tasty lunch (the wine however, was nice), I went into the bar area where they have music videos and great chesterfield type couches and sat down to have another wine, listen to the music, write in my journal. I always carry it with me. It is a leather bound one I bought at Barnes and Noble in Gilbert, Arizona when ‘he’ had dropped me off on a lonely shopping trip to get out of the house because he was just too busy to spend time with me (and was giving me the cold shoulder on and off even by then, I never knew what face I was going to see each morning or if he would even talk to me) even though he said he would take time off when I flew over and never did.

Oh dear, I have just seen the time, I need to write part two later, perhaps tomorrow (Man-shed theory etc, its hilarious) as I have a lunch date again…yes, I have done my job search for the morning and I am not being light hearted about it all but yesterday I met someone and he wanted to take me to lunch and in the spirit of “go with the flow” I decided to say ‘yes’!….part two to follow:)

Perschonkered and the bullshitometer…!

Oh hell, I shouldn’t be writing this right now. I am officially pershonkered (pissed..drunk..depends on where you are!!)..Yes its midweek! Yes it’s 9.30pm..I got a good start and it was not my intention. AND only 15 minutes ago I made a call to America..WHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING?

But it was a little….ahhh bejesus..a song that that DEMON fuckhead bastard c..tface (forgive me lord but when I am angry at someone….) made as part of a tape years ago for me. I do, like the songs. It reminded me and I felt the need to say, I am sad about what happened and HAVE A GOOD FUCKING LIFE YOU SHITHEAD BASTARD, well, I did say have a good life!

I am sitting here scratching my head , there is so much I could say, but, well at least I must say; there are some wonderful things happening at present and yet, inevitably when you put your faith in human beings they let you down…c’est la vie!

So, irrespective of the f..n crap…I have managed to find a nice man and we are sorting and getting to know each other right now. We have had several dates in a very short space in time, it’s been practically every second day, the most amazing and wahoo dates…wining dining great conversation, surprising mutual interests yadda and in between he messages me good morning and good night etc, manages to tell me he is thinking of me…until today…

Today, is the first day out of several, many, and my head straight away goes into the mode that it has a set pattern for; he is out of reach…withdrawing…you need to grasp…attach…fear, freak out he is leaving you because you are not worthy, you never have been, lasting conditioning of the past. CONDITIONING

It wasn’t until I read another of my psychology books..Susan Anderson, Taming the Outer Child and the chapter about relationships that she reminded me that those of us who have been blessed (!) with experiences of abuse, psychological, narcissistic, physical and other wonderful pieces of crap in our lives develop neural pathways and rehearsed responses and reactions to new similar stimuli and we react according to those experiences. It takes awareness..to move forward and out of that.

I fully believe for example that Joe, being the very intelligent cerebral narcissist that he was knew exactly who he was dealing with and what he was doing and he psychologically got me at the right time, and I trusted him because of  a past belief, experience of him. I have always been considered a reasonably intelligent woman, not quite Mensa, but street wise on top of clever, smart. But that fucker got into my mind and he knew what he was doing.

And because of the legacy of that raving fucking Narcissistic bastard and past history it totally fucked me..until recently…UNTIL…recently

So I met this ‘lovely’ man. It has been an amazing time in such a small space in time, he has been like a gift and totally reminded me that there are good men out there, and good relationships…well…so far…

But I have to say, I now have a built in BULLSHitometer and I can’t help but be cynical..learnt responses that we need to be aware of to move forward.

Is that Joe and others legacy, do I allow that BS to dictate my future

I haven’t heard from this beautiful man today..only one day out of so many that he has shown me his thoughts about me, his care and respect.

I have also come to realise that when a man wants to be with you he will make that next date, book that time or try, there is no such thing as mixed signals, that is just us fucking women and our BS….

So I guess, if he doesn’t come back, irrespective of his prior actions and professions….I just fucking move on, without internalising rejection….for the first time in my life?

YES…I do..it’s called self awareness and strength. The belief in yourself as a worthy and lovable human being…irrespective of your conditioning and experiences…love yourself..not narcissisticaly..just self respect and healthy self esteem..not selfies every minute of the day, just a sense of self…rising above all the crap….lovenwhitelight xx

swing from the chandelier…happy anniversary arsehole

Probably shouldn’t write now…don’t care…actually felt OK after my first few margarita’s..now well past that..where is it in the rule book that says even though you know you are going to be a depressed nutter tomorrow you must withhold..oh feck it..sick of sitting like a mummy in Le Louvre.

Had enough. Yes I will have a bad headache, possibly feel shite about many things..oh feck it. One day in a week or so. Letting loose.

Today is the one year anniversary that he sent a connect request on Linkedin (which I have subsequently disconnected). Admittedly, he saw that I had looked at his profile…I looked. He recognised me. From when I was 16?

I am full of regret for responding to him. Admittedly 3 days later, but I responded. IDIOT.

It’s almost one of the those sliding door type situations. I sooo regret it. It had the worst repercussion through the last year of my life. The timing was fecked. I have always said, live without regret. But I regret that.

Funnily, the last day or so the pain seems to have subsided where he is concerned, there is still other shit. Now I am just dealing with the constant visions. And regret.

But I am substituting his face with the face of a lovely man who is a very successful and attractive Australian businessman. Shit, it has to be someone with presence and gorgeousness, how else am I going to escape from him. I and he had trained my mind to believe he was someone of awe. He wasn’t, but that is what my mind had accepted and plays on rote (Narcs are very good at that). I have been trying to strike that by replacing the visions and thoughts.

Not easy, programming. He helped build a story. Hilarious really. Particularly the “I have the body of a 35 year old” (amongst other gems)…he is almost 60! Yes, I guess its possible, but …HE DIDN’T when I finally saw him. Although in all honesty, I hadn’t believed that one anyway. But I didn’t care, by that time I loved him, thoroughly.

But he was full of DELUSION, and I fell for some of it. He was sort of hot when I first met him..when I was 16 and he was 25 (see photo in early post, May). Sort of. If I am to be honest, at that crucial point in time, I wasn’t sure then. How did I become so convinced this time around? I just remember an aura.

I still kinda feel sad about it. His daughter turns 12 on Monday and for days I felt like I should’ve sent her a card from Australia..stamp and all, to let her know I was thinking of her…but then he would probably bin it anyway..its different for kids these days, everything is online. But I do also remember her calling me “her” and he calling her out about it, and also her deleting all the photos from my phone when I let her mess around with it. I thought it was by mistake but these days I’m not sure. I think she may be the spawn of satan and his bride (or not, he didn’t marry her that speaks reams)..sounds awful to say that, and I love kids, and I do worry about her too considering… but lately…I just don’t know.

I hate feeling this way, I always see the best in people and struggle to see the bad. It does my head in.

I am starting to sober up. I stopped drinking an hour ago, drinking water. Haven’t eaten. Lost my appetite lately, its swings and roundabouts.

Was listening to some good music though. Great Aussie girl SIA and this song in particular https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM Chandelier…Love the lyrics…I want to swing from the Chandelier…Chandelier ahh…I think I would right now if I had one!

Don’t feel as miserable as the previous days…it helps I don’t pine for him anymore…replacing his image…stopping the BS thoughts…

Now to deal with the rest.

Each day as it comes….

Things that remind you…changing old habits…happiness?

Changing or re-wiring your thoughts takes time and takes incremental steps. I have been taking these steps.

Every morning now, well, for a good few mornings at least I wake without that horrible dread, that ‘what now’ feeling, that pull towards the dark.  And even though and yes it seems ridiculous to me but it just is, I still have him pop into my head I seem more able to allow it and then it goes pretty quickly (it is very difficult to let go of the deep love you felt for someone even if it was bad for you). It coinciding with other issues that need dealing with slows things a tad. I am starting to feel more hopeful. Less blue. More sure that even though I don’t quite know what the future holds I know there will be one. (Unless I get hit by a bus or something…shouldn’t joke about that because I did get hit by a car many years ago but that’s in the past!  See, I don’t tend to do things by halves!!:)). And then there are times when I say to myself, oh, just get on with it will you?

I was going through my emails this morning and on one of my accounts I noticed two Macy’s emails. Yes that huge department store chain from America. I signed up for emails apparently when I was over there and I bought 3 pairs of shoes in one go (no, I am not a typical female shoe nut I just happened to be at the store killing time…he (now nameless) had no time for me and I had already done some of the housework, been for my walk…he didn’t want me to go out but he didn’t want me there either so I decided to keep myself occupied..and usually I hate shopping!).

We don’t have Macy’s here, I wish we did, or at least the fantastic prices and range they have….Australia and more so Perth is just so ridiculously expensive still even though the mining boom is long over.

Once again I digress. The point was even though I finally am starting to change my thoughts there are still constant reminders of him and they come from the most ridiculous things and I realise as I think that my mind had conjured up a fantastical positive memory of him but at the same time now I know most of that was fallacy. Wishful thinking. Just plain silly. But I have been told and have read that many that have been hit by the tornado of narcissism feel that way, many spend years in therapy. I am lucky my exposure was relatively short this time, but it was enough to f..ck with an already damaged mind.

Simply was not true. It is that that I still struggle with. Admitting this is hard but necessary. At times it makes me feel like I have completely lost the plot and have some weird obsession for this man (even if he was not who I thought he was..he helped construct that image), this man who clearly was a narcissist and quite clearly either doesn’t realise it  or chooses to ignore it (I often wondered why he kept saying to me he wanted a relationship where both watched each others backs no matter what, he knew how to treat the ‘right’ woman…perhaps somewhere there he knew it would take someone extraordinarily masochistic to hang in there under those circumstances, with him. At the time I was so in love and blinded I wanted to give him everything he wanted and more) …I had not even considered he may be (a narc) at the beginning until my Psychologist told me after going through things in depth about our history. It’s been 2 and a half months and I still need to get it out. And I don’t want to burden and annoy people with the same old story so I write..this was part of my reason for this blog. I am not unhappy any more, I know I am still a little stuck but it is changing, I just need to talk about it…as often I need to until I don’t. Until the things that remind me no longer do and are replaced by much happier, more real and worthwhile things…

That’s how badly my mind has been in need of fixing. Re-wiring, re-programming. I always feel so highly aware of how everyone else copes and recovers from bad events in their life and measure myself against that.

That is still there. The damage runs deep. But the healing is happening too. And as I said yesterday I can see a new world of opportunity opening up and its both scary and wonderful at the same time. Still times when I beat myself up but its less and less now and I usually can forgive myself…and say go easy old girl..C’est la vie!

I guess the alternative is scary, back to reality, but seeing it in a new light…without old prejudices and biases? After a lifetime of thinking a certain way, of viewing threw a tainted window.

Yesterday, they released a survey conducted here in Australia about what makes people happy (here in Australia, now). Some of the findings were quite hilarious particularly ‘the happiest women live in Queensland’ and don’t have a partner and the men are happier with a partner. It pretty much inferred that women are happier and healthier without a man in their life!

I wonder if there is something in that? It also said ‘don’t be poor and drink lots of wine’ I kid you not! see just one of the articles written about this study http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-recipe-for-health-and-happiness-in-australia-20150715-gibwxd   Ahhh Aussies! Crazy.

I guess I need to test that theory now…stay single..makes lots of money..and drink lots of my favorite wine, oh and travel to the States more often to shop at Macy’s!….there..the answers been there all the time!

No beautiful goodbye….the more you know you realise what you don’t…Part one

“Fed up with my destiny, and this place of no return, think I’l take another day, and slowly watch it burn, doesn’t really matter how the time goes bye, cause I still remember you and I, and that beautiful goodbye” (Lyrics, Beautiful Goodbye, Amanda Marshall).

Not so good day today. The clouds are in. Thoughts are a bit random and disjointed so forgive my writing today . I’ve been trying my new Jedi mind tricks but they are just not working today. I started to think about him again this morning, the thought diffusion technique I have been practicing simply held no relief. I guess what is entrenched is entrenched and its an everyday struggle to overcome. I guess there will be days like this. But it feels like it’s taking so long. I’m tired…so tired.

My mind has been playing ‘Beautiful Goodbye’ on loop for a while this morning. Every time I try to deflect it comes back. So I’m not trying now. I decided to write to get it out if possible.

You see there was no beautiful goodbye. Every now and then when I think about it it still hurts. He still has the power, but not as much as before. At what point will it be NONE? I guess I am still working through things. On all levels but this thing with him still affects me because I really loved him. Or who I thought he was.

In the general scheme of things isn’t just over 2 months pretty good to be starting to heal? Doesn’t it usually take a lot longer for a broken heart to start mending? Not to mention the psychological minefield that is my mind thrown into the mix. I even find myself questioning the Narc theory on days like this, I reassign the blame back on me. Some of it should be, only a small amount. Assigning blame helps nothing though.

His comprehensive shutdown did not allow me any peace of mind. After everything it really was a final shot of cruelty. So how could I possibly love someone so mean? He really did not feel a thing it seems. I mean nothing. Classic ‘discard’ as those that know will tell you. I was no longer a reliable source of ‘supply’ and I had questioned, challenged and ultimately fired back (when I walked out). I am dead to him.

The more I read about Narcs and their effect the more I realise what I really didn’t know about him. He was married for 16 years apparently, he said it was a good marriage (but that is all he told me about it aside from some monetary issue but he managed to sidetrack me from ever really getting any information about that marriage or much else. At the same time he said his experiences were good he made a point of assuming that my experience with marriage was not. He was kind of right (I am divorced and my marriage..well, he was another narc but a different shade and less pervasive than Joe), but I now realise just how honed in he was in the beginning. He got what he wanted out of me and managed to keep his world a secret (being long distance made it easier). I asked but he always managed to turn things around. When I think of the precision, its staggering…and then again I assume the blame) but she couldn’t have children.

I question the Narc theory; if he managed to stay married for 16 years surely he can’t be a narc? Don’t they become transparent over time and blow their cover?  I recently read 3 or 4 blogs and other websites including Psychology pages on survivors of Narc relationships, one was the son of a Narcissistic father (come to think of it it took years before his mother had the courage or the realisation and left with the kids so it is possible for them to be in long term relationships) and he now writes books and has a website dedicated to helping others who have been unlucky enough to have been exposed to these insidious creatures.

I remember thinking how he thought his jokes were funny, but they often seemed childish to me. He called me ‘sweetie’ alot in the beginning. And I wondered why we did not go out for dinner at least once and in fact one day when his daughter was back on one of her days with him she said “didn’t you go out for dinner?” he didn’t want to go out, he didn’t want to ‘chit chat’ or discuss it was strange at the time but it was after our ‘first night’ debacle which was when he shut down. I realise that must have been a hit to the ego.

This passage from a psych webpage (how-psychology-tests-brain-injury.com/narcissistic-personality.html):

Other examples? Well, actually narcissists can laugh the most at their own jokes, think they are the most funny people around, have their own language and expressions for others, often showing disrespect and belittling others (‘hey sweetie’). They are highly selective in when they are friendly and to whom.

They are people who are very charming, always nice in public, apparent friendliness in person, but who are completely different at home or with friends: demanding and irritated. A narcissist will always belittle others whom he thinks are less, he will always use them for his own needs. In this way, he keeps thinking that he is more than those others. Of course, this is completely unrealistic (why being more than another when you can do something better by accident?), and completely anti-social, without any compassion or empathy for others.

Then his daughter’s mother, whom he never married. That is a complete mystery except I know she is a teacher. All he told me was that he and she were a complete mismatch and that it was never going to happen with them…he shook his head and said ‘her and I? my god, no, we’re completely different people’…I believe him! He is from another planet! I keep wondering if she made the great escape because she was smart or did he crush her too? I guess it’s different for them as they have their daughter, so she is obliged to have some kind of relationship for her sake.

The disregard and total inability to see fault in their behaviour; that baffled me initially and now I have read up on the subject I realise that it is also classic; I remember when they picked me up from the airport and the drive home…he was speeding, no seat-belts, ducking and weaving in traffic on the freeway and he yelled over to her in the backseat ‘daughter, come here, come and sit here’ he wanted her to sit on the armrest between our two front seats whilst he was driving crazy and unseatbelted, when I questioned it he thought it was one big joke and dismissed it completely. Luckily she said “no daddy” a number of times. Other driving times with them were just as much of a worry, he didn’t seem to care that he could cause an accident. I’ve read that they control so much of their persona and actions that there has to be an outlet somewhere in behaviour

They say Narcs build up a number of ‘supporters’ around themselves, they would cease to exist otherwise. They do such a good job that many people will look at you when you say what went on, after the tornado hit; “No, that can’t be right, he or she is such an damn nice person” “look, he’s a good father so dedicated to his kids, a very good provider” “he was always very kind to me” and then you feel like you are the crazy one and question yourself. (Believe me I know my faults and nutiness! I own it!).

I need to continue this, writing it out helps…my psych encourages it…but I need to take a break and then come back….

Some days titles are a pain in the arse!

I love writing my blog now. It has been a wonderful cathartic help over this dark period of my life. It has been a lifeline in some ways because when you are going through depression and life crisis it takes time and the way things are today and obviously everyone has their own life to live, responsibilities and what not there also comes a kind of empathy fatigue. Eventually people disappear. I understand it. No one wants to be around a depressed, mentally struggling person its a downer! It’s tiring.

The flip-side is some of them also assume you are getting better and probably getting on with your life, back at work, seeing other friends etcetera. It is hard for those who haven’t been through it to fathom the process and how long it can take. And some have always said ‘you know I am here for you when you need me, call me anytime’, but of course, I don’t. I don’t like to burden people.

Sometimes I still have what is like a guilt that people will be thinking ‘oh she’s a drama queen, wallowing in self pity’ and ‘oh no, not this shit still’. That is how the mind works when you have been mentally stuck for years, the needle stuck in the groove of the 45 (7 inch records made of vinyl, 45 rpm, old music reference for you youngsters out there!). Lack of self esteem and confidence.

I still get the odd message ‘how are you doing?’ and then there is Facebook and its messenger etc. Which I do tend to use on good days and keep in touch there. But I haven’t really been in a position to cement good friendships over the years for many reasons; my sons’ illness, my periods of depression, moving around interstate etc. Friendships are a two way street and I just couldn’t do it. Consequently, I have alot of ‘friends’ or acquaintances but not many that have been consistently there sadly. Hard to admit but true. And in depressed times you isolate anyway, you don’t want people to see you failing.

It’s OK though because I have always preferred to deal with things on my own, and in honesty I tend to go into self imposed isolation for periods of time when I am trying to deal with things. I prefer it. Whether good or bad. I had a lady at the fish and chip shop the other day,( she owns the shop, nice lady about my age and single too, we’ve had some great chats)…I shouted myself (bought for myself) some fish and chips after I had taken a walk..say to me ‘Hey, how are you? Where have you been? Did you go back over to America? Still going to the gym you look great’ (!), I said ‘no, things did not go well and I had a bit of breakdown actually, self imposed exile to try sort things’…and she said ‘Oh my god, not you, I don’t believe it you are always so amazingly friendly, bright and positive’..I smiled at that, I had forgotten that there was a time I was so incredibly happy (I thought) in the months reconnecting with and leading up to going to see Joe, I had managed to kick 17 years of anti depressants, I was in love, lost 15 kilos in weight I didn’t know I had. Had a great tan, fit and healthy. Even though the Narc roundabout was in full swing when it was good I was so high on life. He made me feel good. (And bad, but I never recognised it for what it was at that stage…)

I am starting to reflect again, but this time I find the change coming. The pain associated firstly with him is starting to dissipate. I think, I feel and let it run its course, if I shed a tear I shed a tear..there are far less than there was and the sting and ache does not come as much. I also reflect on past pain and am starting to do the same with it…a kind of compartmentalisation…trying to make order of the chaos..one issue at  a time.

This morning when I woke I felt lighter than I have felt in a long time, the techniques I am using are working and I am starting to feel proud of myself strangely…its a whole new realm.

At one stage I considered the lackey band ( Elastic band – Aussie’s tend to abbreviate everything to its shortest form!) treatment I had read about where a woman had been in a very painful relationship and was trying to get over and not go back even though he was trying to, so she got a lackey band and put it around her wrist. Every time she started to feel and think about the warm but false memories of her ex she would pull at the band and it would slap against her wrist obviously causing a stinging pain and much discomfort…over a short time it served to remind her of how her ex and the situation made her feel and she found herself over it! I laugh when I think of that, it still makes me giggle!

But this is what the marvelous world of blogging has brought. I’ve had people write to me, like my blog, follow etc, not many but it is starting to happen more and then I read their blogs and personal experiences and I am blown away by some of the amazing stories of mental toughness, growth and success that has stemmed from their journeys. Alot of inspiration and just a bit of craziness which helps me to realise I am not the only freak in this show of life!

Each day there are more good things to add to my gratefulness diary (psych is pleased with it’s progress too!). So, like yesterday I will continue the formula. Take a walk, write and just give myself the time I need. I am smiling today and it is coming naturally…..all in time…patience grasshopper…x

And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x