Difficult decisions…flow

Alot has happened since my last post. I was contemplating my next move and had been for quite some time running it through my head over and over. It was time to make some difficult decisions. One very difficult one in particular.

Our kids are the greatest gift that we can be given. They are a blessing if we are lucky enough to have them and I love my sons more than life itself and have always referred to them as my anchor to this earth. They are older now; one nearly 20 and the other nearly 22 if the degeneration does not progress as fast as it has been so far the end of and beginning of this year. It has been devastating to watch and not be able to do anything but love him immensely and at times I have been so shaken up by it again more recently in frustration and sadness it threatened to overcome me and drag me into the dark abyss but I have been fighting that with all my might…it won’t help him, or his brother and it certainly could be very detrimental to my future which for a long time I actually did not care so much about as long as I was there for my boys. His father is wealthy and has everything so well set up and in place for his care and at times a bit of independence which is what he likes that as it was I was not able to see him as often as I wanted, that was very difficult.

But I am in transition. I will be 50 in May. I have moved through years of sadness, and darkness at times; like an automaton, doing what I should do. I am now realising that some things are out of our control and to fight that is futile…it is a waste of energy and life.

I owe it to myself; yes I am being selfish right now but I have to to ensure that whatever happens I try make some positive flow in life for whatever time there is and not sit and ruminate and stagnate as I have been doing for a while now. Move forward.

This time last week I flew into Sydney, the big beautiful sprawling metropolis that has always been my second home. I have always been bi-coastal even though I was born in Perth I have always felt at home here even though by virtue of the fact it is one hell of an expensive place to live as far as housing goes rent and buying, and worse now more than ever. But there is something about life here. I love it. And I needed to take a breath from the vacuum I was in in Perth. Something had to shift. So after time with my boys and discussing it with them; my youngest said “mum, you have been here for us and its time you did some things for you” and my eldest also understood…but if I discuss how we talked about it I will break down right now so I won’t. I have to stay strong. I am meeting people today and I have managed to secure a job interview Monday. There is so much work here compared to Perth which is slumped right now because mining and resources fell in a hole. If you have read my previous posts you will see what I mean. I have had calls left right and centre and it has buoyed me a bit. Given me a shot of energy that I haven’t had for a while.

I now think that whatever is meant to be will be, there is only so much we can control. The universe has its way of directing our lives if we allow the flow…right now I am all about letting things flow.

My relationship; yes I think I can safely say my relationship with Yank 2 (my darling) has progressed as best as it can considering we are on different continents right now. It has literally flowed over time; we have a skype date at least once a week when he has his days off and we are often on there for hours and hours just enjoying each other…it is wonderful and unexpected. After the last horror; the HIM in life beyond him I was so cautious and was not going to allow myself to let go easily with this but this has worked and flowed freely and unscripted and it feels wonderful. We email at least a few times daily. He always makes sure he has responded so when I wake in the morning his message is there and a great way to start the day and I do the same for him plus we write as we see or do things we want to tell and share with each other…no expectations but lots of REAL and true CARE and we have both been hinting at something much stronger but holding those words back even though we call each other my love, sweetheart and darling (!) we know there is something very exciting to look forward to in the future. I finally feel satisfied in a relationship…even from afar and am happy to wait as long as it takes and so far it appears that he is too. He has asked me to join him as a plus one at a family wedding in Chicago in July, he said a lot of the family will be there…that means alot. After that I want to him to come to Australia. His brother lives here in Sydney with his wife. I am about to meet them today, he has really encouraged it as a support more than anything but also it seems opening his world up to me. I am a lucky girl, he is a good man.

I have to go now and get ready but I will write more soon,

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

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The train to crazy town..

I have just read back a couple of my most recent posts. Even my last one and not only was it not spell and grammar checked…I am usually a stickler for well written sentences and good spelling but they were written on my phone on trains and I was inebriated. Something I have done a bit more than usual lately again because I seem to have hit a very strange stage in my life.

Tired. Tired of alot of things..this constant pulling on my emotions with my son and my love life, one of my best friends leaving and moving to Seattle and my job situation…although I do have an interview today for a contract role which sounds heavenly to me as it is in familiar territory with reasonable hours and commitment. I was still somewhat battering myself about leaving the permanent job but something had to give…I was reaching critical mass. The hours and expectations were just too unreasonable. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for me but I also know what it will look like to others. But it is not about that. And the one thing I have learnt of late is that you need to be true to yourself and take care of you. No one else can do that.

The yank and I seem to be tanking a bit. Part me part him. Long distance is never easy. He has counselled me alot lately saying things like “Roz, you are going through part of the tough 7 year cycle (at 49) and hang on you are in for a ride” (I am 49 currently and he is 56) this theory that every 7 years there are massive shifts and changes like second set of teeth at 7, puberty at 14 ish, etc etc. He feels that I am at a really difficult stage but says he will be there to help me through because he has been there. He could be right. At times he does seem quite intuitive about things.

There was a series in Britain of similar vain called the “up series” where they followed the lives of a group of people from 7 years onward into their late 50’s and the swings and roundabouts were incredible; from rags to riches and homelessness for some and back again. There could be something in it.  at the moment I am thinking OH..WHAT THE HELL, just roll with it.

And then there is the reemergence of the ‘good one’. We  spoke at length last night and text alot yesterday. The sexual spark is still there and he revealed that he was confused about why we couldn’t take things forward in our relationship and that he had thought about it. Now he tells me! Now when I have struck up this thing with Yank number 2. I am quite confused about this all. When things are good with yank and I they are real good. But we haven’t met in person yet and won’t until probably July when I will try visit because I also want to visit my cherished friend in Seattle. I miss her already and we tried to Skype today but the damn thing is not working probably but she seems as out of sorts as I.

That is the thing. Not only I but a few people I know are currently going through something with life and relationships..now that sounds a bit “well hello, who isn;t??!” but it almost feels as if there is some cosmic shift occurring…cue TWIGHLIGHT ZONE music I am on the train to crazy town!!

Oh damn I just realised the time…I have to go to this meeting in town another long commute to and fro…but I will write again later…

Love and whitelight xx

 

The leap…

It has been a very trying week this last week but ultimately it resulted in change. Change is the one constant in life or so something similar was stated by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. There are certain things we wish could stay the same forever…but nothing does.

I took a very big leap this past week. I chose to take a leap most with sane head and stable lives would not have. I resigned my job. It is not the first time I have walked out of an untenable situation and knowing me it won’t be the last. But it had started to affect my health and mental well being and I had to make the tough choice. In this day here in Perth particularly the timing is not great…to say the least. Our economy and record levels of unemployment made it even foolhardy and the reaction I have had from some I have told has been what I expected.

But they have not been through what I have been through, am still going through and I took a decision to make my mental and physical health a priority. In essence, I know life is short…I am watching the life being drained out of my beautiful eldest son and everyday I wake wondering if that phone call is coming. If I dare think about it for a moment my eyes well up with tears and I feel helpless.

Only recently I went back to my so called ‘good’ doctor and after an expensive consultation the end result was what I have come to expect from most doctors; medication..

Do they dare to think that things can be overcome without it, that it takes time and effort but it can be done? No. Our reliance on chemical intervention is outrageous. Someone the other day said they had thought half the worlds population are on Anti depressants. What does that say about life and our ability to cope with it unaided.

I chose to do the hard yards. In the last 18 months I have ridden a pretty tough tsunami of emotions but whilst I have been very emotional I know that those emotions come from the fact that there is shit going on in my life that is real. Real life. And it is tough but you put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving. This coming from a person who spent 17 years on anti depressants and finally was rid if them in the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the timing sucked but when is it a good time to take a leap of faith in yourself. Nothing is ever  sure thing.

I may have committed career suicide from one perspective and at first the leap made me feel incredibly sick in the stomach and worried sick. But I know what I am capable of and that there is still a wealth of untapped ability there, we all have it but many of us chose to take the practical road where the ups and downs are not as variable and we can have some semblance of control. And that is logical. It is safer.

Even though three different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have told me I am definitely not bipolar or similar my doctor the other day chose to say that she thought I did have episodes a mild hypomania. She said “even I have times when I am hypomanic”…in my mind I was thinking ‘yes I can definitely see that!”, she is a smart and fairly dynamic woman..has what you would probably call ‘charisma’. Only yesterday I was reading in Psychology today about what it will take to be the U.S’s next President and they noted that Bill Clinton an extremely smart and charismatic man was hypomanic to an extent. If you look at many famous and successful people closely you will find there is an element of hypomanic behaviour and often it is in those times that their best work is done. It is a propellant, it moves them to do extraordinary things.

Why would I want to put a cap on that? Why would I want to stifle the ability to create something good, although I do know I need to apply it to good and not evil!:)

So this last couple of days I have been working out my next steps. Working through the fear of the future from a practical perspective and thinking about the possibility ahead of me. Possibility. Possibilities.

All roads have been leading to this point. The only limitation is the one I put on myself and if I listen to the wrong advice. But ultimately what happens next is in my hands…well mostly..

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

Hello from Nutty central..

Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier.  Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.

He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago,  whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!

Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco  executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he  enjoyed it which I also admired.

I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.

I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.

Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…

The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.

But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer  to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.

And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.

So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Can you recover from the ‘Friend zone’?!

As I woke this morning that old familiar feeling “oh god, am I there again” was back. What am I referring to? That horrible thing called the ‘friend zone’. That thing you are relegated to if you are stupid enough to accept it because you really like someone and if you choose to accept becomes a ‘damned if I do’ situation that can be a hell of your own making.

I have been in regular contact with ‘the good one’. We speak very frequently now on the phone, in fact he has been a bit of a solace because right now even though other things in my life are going well my son has deteriorated again this time more rapidly and I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly that this disease may take him much sooner. He talks me through even though most times I don’t want to talk about it, but he tells me I need to have a cry sometimes and let it out by talking to someone. He often says “I don’t know how you do it” and to always know that he is there to talk to whenever I need him. And so far he really has meant it. To my surprise. And generally it is him that will message ‘hey, how are you?” etc.

My other son is currently here with me, he came over yesterday to stay the weekend and for us to spend our time together away from the pain and worry about his brother. Just us time..release.

But the night before (Friday night) the “good one” and I spent the  evening and night together which is also reasonably regular taking into account our jobs, our kids and other life factors. As a reminder, this was the the guy I referred to in my post “the gentle breakup…back on the horse etc” in October. Yes, we have managed to stay in the “friend zone” which is what he initiated and when he did originally I did not know if I could do it because I had already developed feelings and was feeling quite gun shy from that idiot self serving narcissistic yank whom I never think about these days.

We talk about anything and everything, we share intimacy and intimate things and we consider each other for the most part. We enjoy our connection.

But the other night as we were having a great time a few drinks and making out to music, we had a moment where we were talking quite openly where I mentioned this woman he had openly told me he liked, not long after the gentle breakup, he has known her for longer than I and wanted a relationship with her but she has been keeping him at arms length for a year and I know darned well that as a natural instinct we all but particulary men love a challenge; what we can’t have. Over time a fair number of weeks back he told me he had stopped calling her and had realised he was where I was trying not to head with him and gave up on her.

I’m not silly, whether he chooses to admit it or not I know I was his fallback in a sense because around that same time he started to contact me more regularly and we started seeing each other again and it has remained that way. He told me the other night she called him and asked to see him so he went to see her where she was working in a shop and said that he thought it was pretty much not worth pursuing, he had finally got  over it. So I revealed that over the last months I had been dating other men because we had no commitment and he asked if I had slept with them and I say yes. His reaction was slightly annoyed and indignant “I thought I was the only one” and I said “no, we weren’t committed and I told you I was dating others just as you were” “Yes but…” and I just  said “well, I am not dating anyone else now I am sick of all the wank and bullshit from you men and I don’t need that crap in my life with what is going on” he seemed satisfied with that but then proceeded to kiss me senseless and make love to me. Sheesh. I still to this day can not believe the double standard and I won’t tolerate it. If we are not committed, I am free to date if I want..which I don’t want to at the moment its too exhausting!

And then the oddest thing was the next morning we were cuddling and talking and he deliberately asked me more about what was happening with my son and more about the disease and I bloody well started to cry and he just held me, soothed me and gave me what felt like love and support. I was confounded.

So what to do? I wake up this morning and he is in my head. My instinct says do not fall for him again. Enjoy what you have but don’t fall for him because you were not his first choice then and you probably are not now. And I also think if this looks  like it is going go too far I need to get out before that happens but I will lose what I do have with him.

My instinct also tells me to leave it as it is, he initiating contact but me getting on with other things and not being so available. But am I wrong remaining in the “friend zone” well the “Friends with benefits zone” and is there ever a chance it may turn into something more and should I care if it does or doesn’t? I know I want a real relationship that gives me all that I deserve and not be second choice.

I am so glad my work has me flat out and long hours during the week. It is so full on I no longer have the time to think about this rubbish or the pain of my sons illness. And I am much closer to moving into my own place again and being closer to my sons, being able to do things without having to worry about money to do it with like paying bills.

I guess in essence I should just “go with the flow” and see where this takes me. Today I am going to enjoy my sons company again and go to the gym and try not to think about this friend zone rubbish. Get my strength back. The strength I’ve been working hard to get…

Love and whitelight xxx

 

Are we there yet? A change of view…

I am counting down the days and minutes for this damned year to be over. It has been, to quote our regent “an annus horribilis”, well most of it anyway. I wonder was it just me or did this year seem just slightly more ghastly than usual?

Although I can say with all truthfulness and gratefulness that the lessons learned and the growth I have experienced this year has kind of counterbalanced that yukkyness of the year. And hand on heart I feel that I have emerged a better person for it and my outlook on the future not as bleak and negative irrespective of current challenges.

There are days still lately that I feel like things are just hanging in suspended animation and I am like a marionette hanging in the closet waiting for the puppet master to take me out onto stage of life and see how this plays out…..the clock ticking…ironically I can here the clock in the hallway ticking right now. It seems quite loud.

I am waiting on a response from my job interview last week, they said they would decide by today. I have applied for others what little there is at his moment in time and time of year. Waiting.

I had a long phone conversation 2 nights ago with “the good one”, yes, the one I let go of a week or so ago. He seemed at the time not to know what to say or do but appeared happy to receive my message of  “I bought ‘Evie’ parts 1,2 and 3 by Stevie Wright (an Aussie rock legend from the Easybeats and solo work who passed away boxing day sadly) and am playing it full blast and it made me think of you”, you see we both love the same music genres and era’s and when we spent time together it was often kissing and making love and jamming in the nude (with him playing guitar, music on and me singing sporadically) and it was always very enjoyable, easy and fun.

So after my message he called me and we spoke for hours. And that was nice. But once again I feel like I am…waiting…kinda…

And my sons and I had an awesome Christmas lunch and afternoon together, those days I treasure and hold dear to my heart. Memories to be cherished because his brother and I are trying to make use of the time we have left with my eldest son, this bloody disease….I will not say ‘waiting’ again because a part of me still refuses to believe we will lose him even though this year he has degenerated more than before and it is very painful to watch as a mother because you just want to take away his pain and burden and when you can’t….well it is …..beyond description how it feels….

I am about to go to the gym, the one constant that ironically the Yank Joe (narcissistic wanker) got me started on over a year ago and is now my savior from a health and psychological perspective. The effect of it for me has been far greater than all the years on anti-depressant meds which I now realise I never really needed long term and am damned sure will never again. That has been a positive from this year. The emergence from a psychological ‘coma’ of sorts, and the awareness that I had within me all that I needed to rise above the merde of years gone by let alone this year….not so horribilis:)

So this year has been a gift of sorts. I think when you start to see it from a different view and realise that the things that have hurt you or caused you pain have a hidden gift then you start to feel a well of strength you didn’t know existed. It isn’t easy to say ‘thank you for my pain’, but when you survive and move past it life seems that much sweeter somehow and promising…

That is how I choose to go into this New Year…with a different view….

Love and whitelight xx

Expectations…

This time of the year I wish I was living in America or Europe, where they really get into the spirit of the holiday season. Where each day prior to Christmas is counted down with excitement and people seem generally uplifted irrespective of the craziness going on around us. Here, not quite the same. Sometimes I feel the Aussie spirit has waned and I guess it is a different look here at Christmas because we are usually walking around with shorts and bathers on because it is summer and somehow all the depictions of Santa and his reindeer in snow scenes seems a tad odd.

We are almost at the end of the year. 13 days til Christmas eve, 20 til New years eve and by god I can’t wait until it is all over. The last few years I have said “good riddance” to the year that has been and predicted how wonderful and different the coming year would be and I have been wrong each time (with the exception that my beautiful son is still with us and that is truly a blessing). Negative? Perhaps a little but true, sadly.

This time of the year alot of us have expectations.

I just wrote a whole paragraph of words here and when I read it back I realised that I was being ungrateful and bellyaching so I deleted it and started again.

Reality is that it has been another tough year. One of painful lows and few highs yet after everything the most amazing thing has happened.  I started to feel a sense of pride in myself and I have never been proud of me. I have berated myself endlessly more often than not for things that others have done to me..although I allowed it…or that was my way of thinking. I accepted what happened and always took the blame for it and internalised it to such an extent that it was I who did more damage than the damage itself.

Not anymore.

Habits of a lifetime are hard to break but, it can be done. And I have gone a long way towards breaking bad habits in thinking this year and although it sounds trite, when you have spent years as a prisoner of your mind to sever those chains is incredibly freeing.

I will never forget the magnificent ‘high’ I felt as the plane started it’s descent into Phoenix and I knew I was only moments away from seeing the man that had made my heart beat so hard..more than anyone, ever. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 or so years and then had been talking again for the good part of a year prior to me leaving.  The words and conversations leading up to it all and then the feeling of shock and heartbreak that this person was nothing like the expectation he, and even I had created. Alot can change in 30 years.

Ahhh, ‘expectation’; a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. A dangerous state of being because expectation is a high that only leads in one direction most times….a devastating low or disappointment in the least. When people say ‘it exceeded my expectations’ surely the starting point was much lower than it should have been? Is there any use in expectation?

So at the end of this year, instead of creating the expectation of a fantastic year to come I am going to give it up to the universe. In complete faith that what needs to happen will.

I can feel faith and hopeful about the future but I have no way of predicting nor should I waste my time trying. As Doris Day (gosh I loved her songs and movies as a kid, especially Calamity Jane) would say “Que sera, whatever will be will be”.

Now it is one day at a time, doing my best, loving, caring, smiling as much as I can, not looking forward necessarily and rarely looking back, just looking  up! (As opposed to hanging my head down). Accepting the sad times and rolling with it.  Working toward a sense of inner peace I have never known; no, scratch that…..When I hold my sons in my arms..even now great hulking things they are, that is when I DO feel inner peace.

I want more of that. In a world of selfies and selfishness, noise and chaos, it is a hard thing to find. But not impossible, and worth seeking.

So instead of starting the day worrying about finding work, my son’s illness, how am I going to afford the bills coming before Christmas with no income to pay for it, this, that and all the rest of the merde! I will finish this post with some quotes I like. Don’t worry, I am sure (damn sure!:)) I will have more hi-jinx and interesting posts to come (I have been told by some followers that they love my blog and look forward to new posts…for which I am very grateful x), but for today…

“Never say that you can’t do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can’t be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible.

Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or ANY mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”- Mike Norton (Author and US Military Veteran)

“A good half of the art of living is resilience.” Alain De Botton

-OSCAR WILDE

Love and whitelight xxx

Oh dear! ….Excuse the mass expletives…baring the soul

As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!

I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.

I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.

I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.

I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.

It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.

I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.

My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.

Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.

Amongst the merde….thank you Universe

It’s funny how in the midst of all that is going and just when you think things are just ‘merde’ (french for excrement) all of a sudden the universe steps in and says I really am on your side, you just need to have faith!

I’ve been busy looking after my mum, she is currently in ‘peel me a grape’ mode but I really don’t mind anymore, I have made my peace with the past and let it go, finally. I have been a bit frustrated and sad about the fact that my son’s illness is progressing and there is not a damn thing I can do about and it in itself threatened to derail me but with effort, exercise and other things I am feeling the best I have felt in quite a while.

And there is still a worry about trying to get work sorted or start this business I have been trying to for a while but I am starting to realise that things happen when they are meant to and sometimes it is not until you really open your eyes you can see the minor miracles you get in life, the times that make you smile like a Cheshire cat and you finally appreciate life’s journey.

I decided amongst all the crap to join a dating site, yes, even though I had chaos going on around me I thought why not? Just out of the blue. Not an altogether sane thing to do when life is a bit messy. Not your casual hook up site but a slightly more genuine one, if you can really say that about dating sites! Something needed to take me out of the ‘I think I still love that raving narcissist even though he hurt me bad’ holding pattern I was in in my mind, and I had worked hard to try purge myself of. And for a while now I have felt it would be lovely to have a nice man in my life even after what I went through with ‘the devil’, someone to share the journey with. So I joined with the mindset that if its meant to be it will be. No rush, no fuss.

So, I managed to talk to a number of fairly nice men, just talk, I wrote some pretty straight up things in my profile and thought ‘that will sort the wheat from the chaf!’ nutters, twats and arrogant arseholes need not apply kind of thing but in a more subtle way.

Blow me down, all of a sudden a good one came…someone who has made me see that there are really some decent men out there that know how to treat a woman, right down to opening the car door for her…chivalry is not dead thank f..ck!

We have gone on some marvelous dates and are really enjoying the getting to know one another, but it feels like and it is mutual we have both found a real connection. It is easy, not hard. It is how it should be, relationships should not be hard. And last night we finally crossed the threshold (!) and by god it was worth the wait! Both of us wanted to wait but our feelings were so strong (both of us, in unison not just one of us in our head!) and it is the most wonderful way to express your feelings for someone. I am smiling…like the Cheshire Cat!

Now I know it is early days, and I have made some really stupid choices in men in my life and my past was a very big reason why I got myself there but these months of working on myself have paid off and I was very prepared to take things incredibly slow and let it go if it wasn’t right. I still am, I have learnt my lessons and I will not ever allow someone into my life that doesn’t consider me and treat me right. I would rather be on my own than bother with that and that is a giant leap for me considering my past history….for my new found sense of self after all this time, I am grateful.

As I write this he has just sent me a text ‘Good morning xxxx’, simple but thoughtful. He is like that. I appreciate that so. He smiles a beautiful smile and it is genuine. It’s a feeling you get and you just know. I hadn’t REALLY felt it before but with him I can. With him I smile, really smile. And we laugh alot. Our conversations are open and honest and no subject is taboo. I have always been open and very honest (to a fault), but it is nice to have that reciprocated and know that it comes from a good place…a true place. After these many tough months there is a warmth and happiness in my life again and I am going to cherish it for how ever long it lasts.

I started writing this well over an hour ago and just after I wrote the above paragraph he called me and we have been on the phone  for a fair while. We are catching up again tomorrow, its soon and appears to be becoming regular which is bloody marvelous but also kind of scary too, but in a good way….I guess time will tell…..love and white light x

It is possible..try, try again..fly like an eagle…

It’s been a week since my last post and I have missed writing but I have kept myself busy. Things are moving forward finally, consistently, which is what I was aiming for but it took such a darn long time to get here. Time and persistence which even at my lowest, I could never quite give up even when at times I felt very close to it.

The last 5 months have been a psychological minefield, it was as if I was trying to get to the other side and the little bastard mines were setting off after so many steps forward one after the other. It had to happen. That statement may sound ridiculous but it is the truth. What started from a place of incredible hurt has turned into probably the greatest period of personal growth I have experienced in my life. The lessons learned…amazing.

The most important lesson I learned was to love myself. For most of my life I didn’t even like myself. I didn’t realise it, that I felt that way and ironically the person who made me start to think about it was ‘him’, the man that broke my heart unlike anything I have ever felt, played psychological games with my mind and pushed me to the brink.

It brought out stuff I hadn’t realised still held so much power but had remained hidden, deep in my psyche.

It took this long to go through another blinding depression and finally come out of it, without medication. This time the feeling was raw and powerful without it. For those who experience this pain for the first time and don’t get help (often because they don’t realise or fear what others will think) it’s not hard to understand how so many attempt to take their own lives. The despair, the nothingness, the pain. But for me it was more than just a depression it was a melting pot of everything that needed dealing with from deep within and if I did not do it this time my life would continue the way it always has and to me that was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

On my good days I would say to myself ‘surely there are better answers to this’ there must be a better way to get through this and deal with things so that I never allow it to take me down again. Surely everyone has the capacity to do the work and find enough inner strength to push through it, surely I must have? Because this I can not take anymore. There are very good answers out there, you just have to search for them but they are there AND you need to search within yourself, reach deep and have faith in yourself. When you come from a place of self loathing (which is often caused by acts of others long held deep) it is a very difficult things to do. Difficult but not impossible.

As I think I saw that beautiful person and actress Audrey Hepburn once quoted as saying “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

So now for me it is about continuing forward and growing stronger and self capable. I have always been capable of things but never believed enough and ended up self sabotaging by choosing relationships with the wrong people, taking the wrong turn and being impulsive.

None of that in general is abnormal. Everyone makes these mistakes, it is human and generally we learn from it. But when you operate consistently like that and there becomes a pattern of that behaviour which leads to hurt heartache and pain regularly you need to see, find what the root cause of this is.

I found mine. I am so grateful I have. There are things I know for certain will never have the power to hurt me again. For a while I may be hyper-vigilant in watching for the signs but over time as my self acceptance and love cements itself it will become second nature. That is my goal (one of many!!:)). And I will continue to write about it all because I believe we all have it within ourselves to become whole and happy and live a good and authentic life.

I am going to the gym again this morning. I am back to going regularly and it feels great and really helps my mind. I did take a slight backwards step on the weekend when I had a few too many red wines ( I enjoyed it far too much and had alot of laughs) but I knew what to watch out for the next day (Alcohol being a depressant) and I was strong enough this time to say ‘hey, you knew you were going to feel a bit blah today from the partying yesterday, eat well today, sleep some more and things will be fine tomorrow’. And it worked.

Presence of mind, mindset. All my research and reading on healing etc is paying off. Having an understanding and practicing the exercises with your mind work. You can rebuild new ways of thinking and replace the old bad patterns entrenched for years.

Better go for now, love and whitelight.

A great song for myself and all those out there who have been through some tough times lately AND for my favourite footy team (West Coast Eagles, Aussie rules football) who are in the finals and so far kicking arse!! :

https://youtu.be/OnlTrq6wLf0   (Steve Miller band, Fly like an Eagle)

It is possible, keep trying and you can rise above it all…