Unbridled truth…

Credit – You Tube Yellowbeard..Brilliant!

Tonight I offloaded a tad on Facebook. But it was only the tip of the iceberg. And in my most wondrous state I felt it only right that I enunciate my complete fucked offness with absolutely everything. Yes, could be construed as negative but sometimes speaking your mind is very cathartic. And sometimes, it just needs to be said.

After watching the debacle..I mean the debate with Chump I mean Trump and Hillary and wondering how one of the worlds most influential and powerful countries could allow an idiot like Trump to get as far as he has…or even be considered in the race I was gobsmacked.

I then decided I needed to get out of the house and my little self created asylum so I went to the casino…ohhh dear..

I was marched out of the Casino (Crown Perth) tonight (apparently I had imbibed a tad too much! No more than usual in my estimation but a young 20 something (!) seemed to know better and thought that my wonderful exuberance was far too much for that little black duck). Oh yeee of little personality. I can;t help that I am slightly theatrical, musical by nature…

Why was I there you ask? Yes, true I rarely go out these days lately. But, unfortunately in this one horse town a person of my age has really nowhere else to go, particularly when you dont have friends, as such (years of living elsewhere and also having an unwell child that although people would say “oh dear that’s no good” no one really gave a flying fig or bothered to ask you to join them or came to see you. Or maybe I was just too darned exuberant for their liking!!), really here in this town if you dont have much to offer you are persona non grata; you need to drive this car, live in this area, work in an acceptable job/career, earn a reasonable amount of money or be perceived to. hang out with the right people etc etc. Or else you hang around with the feral element who take drugs and drink copiously and crack you in the face without reason (tried that, doesn’t work for me somehow!). There is no in between.

Basically, I was worthy of attention tonight…Quel excitement!. Now this is not someone who dresses dowdily or looks completely like the locals do. I dress with certain pride and even if I say so myself look quite spiffy most of the time (I do wear Armani jeans par example or Ralph Lauren or many other wonderful labels albeit casual because in this shithole of a town there is nothing to dress up for and most of the locals would not recognise Armani if it hit them in the face!)!! And being quite practiced at inebriation lately it takes a hell of a lot for me to do as Yellowbeard does ie: https://youtu.be/iAbou95lCd4…ie Stagger, stagger, crawl crawl..stagger…crawl…ooops

And I didn’t..stagger etc. As I said. I quite hold my equilibrium well.

But I have to say, I found it hard today, yet again to reconcile why the bloody hell I am still living in this bastard of a place of no work, no personality or soul, unjustifiably high cost of living, stupendous lack of decent transport system and general ferality and classlessness. This is the one of most isolated cities in the world, very beautiful coast and pretty city, but no soul, no vibe, no….rhythm or prospects.

And then I had to to pull myself up by the bootstraps and say; you are here for your sons, even though early 20’s now, my eldest is very unwell and I can’t in all good faith leave him. So I stay in purgatory.

I had a great chat with Yank 2 earlier this week, another marathon and wonderful laughs and cerebral chat about the cosmos, life and everything in between. God I could imagine us being two oldies on the porch asking about the hole in the bucket dear Henry dear Henry..

But what I have been fighting is this constant thing in my head the last few days. That…man..the italian, the not so good one, for some reason keeps popping into my head at times and I keep saying NO..every time his name pops into my head but it keeps appearing here and there and even though I am completely fecked off with him and really cant see the point I cant seem to stop the ruminating about him. Sometimes, I think about the good times we had..what little there was but it was good and wonder how we got to where we got to..angry and hating each other. And. The end. Full stop.

Why does our brain make a mockery of the truth and only bring up mostly the good things over time and force us to ignore the bad…when there were feelings involved with a person.

Its not as bad as Narcissistic Yank 1, Joe or ‘him’ in the life beyond him, and that took me nearly 2 years to get over. But I am coming to realise I did ‘feel’ something for him. I guess that will fade in time, I thought it had but for dome darned reason this week…I guess..like Joe..time will help it to properly fade into nothing.

I am completely fascinated with the mind, the brain, our thought processes. And love and relationships. Right when you think you have wisdom and experience something happens and you realise you really know nothing at all.

I know I did not look at anyone this afternoon whilst out and that is not like me, I at least look. My roving eye is cured for now. I dont have the energy for it.

Maybe as Yank 2 said to me once “if you can find yourself an island of content, not one permanently cut off from others, we need others, but have that island at least, there is peace in that”. God I love his poetic soul! And he is right.

Now coming out of the black I need to find that island. Need to do things that feed my soul.

Right now I need to sleep…its 12.30am… later

Love and whitelight xxx

Advertisements

Remember the important things

I have tried to write everyday because at this point my mind is not in a good place and this has been one of my alternatives to revisiting my psychologist and a bit cheaper! This and pen to paper in my journals which I adore as I love to write. I like formal writing too but this is a casual, often filled with incorrect grammar and sentence structure forum. I know it, but in this I am lazy and find I just type the information as it bleeds out of my brain. 2 years ago my psych told me it was a damn good idea and as I have mentioned often for me it is cathartic.

As with many times over the last few days since my final goodbye to the Italian (the new ‘him’ formerly T.G.O) certain things pop up and remind me of him.  Just then the word cathartic reminded me of how twice but more recently the other day he asked me to define the word because he didn’t know what it meant. He had in fact asked me before a while back but didn’t remember that. But sometimes I think his responses were more his attempt at tongue in cheek humour and it did make me laugh, although it is hard to know. I guess I never will. I am mourning the fact that we both will never know each other properly, never took that chance to take the time to do so, put the effort in, without one or the other just wanting to end it as it just seemed too hard. Its what we both do, I can’t just blame him.

I so enjoyed my chat with Yank 2 Monday and felt quite struck by the depth of feeling I found I had for him still but it in no way comes close to my feelings for ‘him’. Yank was so very sweet and sent a message “please take care of yourself Roz, hugs xx” I guess he knows that the eye of the tornado is only momentarily peaceful.

I had to get out yesterday and just go and spent the day out because laying in bed sad, defeated and numb was just too much. I never thought I would be back here again so soon. On the train (I won’t drive when I have had alcohol) I found myself thinking how much had happened over the last few years it was like being knocked down in a fight and getting back up again only to be knocked back down again. Sometimes it felt like there were two fighters against the one, one on each side taking their turn.

I know I will be judged for the way I am not handling things, quite frankly I can’t also take on board other peoples opinions because if I allow that the weight of judgement and expectation would surely put me in the ground. I have learned that. And after my last bad depression and coming off the meds I made the decision to be open and out there about it, writing this blog and I am open on FB too much so at times. But I find it helps me from detaching completely. I already look at the world in a very different way than most. There is a lot of cruelty out there. Cruelty, lack of compassion and understanding and just generally low tolerance for whatever is judged as a person’s weaknesses. Its like a pack of hyenas always circling around the weakest of the pack ready to eat them alive. Right now I can not handle cruelty on any level. But it is survival of the fittest.

Sayings such as ‘suck it up princess’, ‘grow a backbone’, and then all this mindfulness stuff that raises the expectations of what we should be and makes those having a tough time feel even more like they are failing. Marketing in a commercial world gone mad. Its made us all feel we are sorely lacking in some way or that if we dont buy this, live this way, do this, present this image in front of our peers we are missing out. FOMO…classic marketing term “Fear of Missing out”. Sadly my marketing degree years ago illuminated to me all of these psychological angles and at the end of the degree I realised I couldn’t work in an industry that played to peoples fear and anxiety.

I am trying to figure out if I am a certifiable lunatic or just far too sensitive for this world. I dont have any degree of success in any kinds of relationships. The only thing I know I wanted to be good at was loving and caring for my sons and those I love.

I need to keep focusing on the important things to stay sane. I will get to see my eldest Saturday for the first time in a while, and that is a very big blessing. It is the only time I feel like all is right with the world just being in his presence and my other son. He tried to talk to me on the phone the other day but I could not understand the words as his tongue is now completely out of his control. Something so simple that we take for granted, being able to talk and swallow, eat and taste food.

It has been going on now for a couple of years at this level of degeneration and it is my constant companion in my mind and heart. It is hard to take. I have no control over it. And at a time when I should be strong I feel very very weak. Weak, confused about life and my place in it. I see no future, haven’t for a while, I have been keeping that to myself. All the noise I make about other things just covers up a well of pain that temporarily covers over and then is torn back open again.

There are times when I have stood up and fought and said ‘fuck you you will not defeat me’. Right now that strength has left me. Its day to day. Right now I need to make it to Saturday, to see my boy. Day to day.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Jollies and Jamesons..Love, tornado

Something quite unexpected happened yesterday when I saw the yank (2) again after a number of months apart. We chatted easily and laughed alot, both of us off our rocker, I hadn’t realised I had managed to down nearly half of a new bottle of Jamesons over a number of hours though but mainly whilst he and I were skyping. We do that, manage to chat for hours on end, marvelous happy and witty banter.

I wasn’t expecting to feel what I felt. I was in a sad way most of the morning about ‘him..T.G.O’, you know that horrible feeling you have in your heart and your body just feels sick inside. But you have to move through it, feel it, no matter how hard you try to block it out it is better to move through it..yes I have become quite an expert on this I have been there alot over the last few years with Yankees x 2 and the Italian (formerly known as the good one LOL).

I dragged my sorry arse to the local bottle shop yesterday morning and bought my bounty with the express desire to get numb again and continue to do so until I didn’t need to feel it anymore. Not very grown up behaviour for a 50 year old woman but life has been a bit merde lately, that’s my pathetic excuse. Yank 2 had always said to me my redeeming feature was my self awareness, I am certifiable yet very self aware.

Anyway, ironically and even though he himself had been out most of the evening in Chicago drinking and shooting pool, his ritual on his nights off driving. Sunday night (Monday in Australia) pool night at his favorite bar and Monday, well we used to Skype both nights on his nights off. Tuesdays were often for 7 or 8 hours, a bit less if it was a work night for me.

I now marvel at how we managed to do it but it was just like we were sitting in the lounge together spending quality time it was the only way to keep it going without being in the same country and time meant nothing we were always so engrossed. He would even many times end up only going for a couple of hours to catch up with friends or not at all because he said he didn’t need to anymore when he had me he preferred to just spend that time with me. He did not like to miss skype nights. We would write emails to each other daily, I would always wake to one and I would send one for him for when he finished work, before he went to bed. And we would speak on the phone too. I would say to him..go out, you need your time out and I truly meant it but he would always choose us.

It was funny because I knew he would do as he said the day before and want to skype yesterday. I looked forward to it. And when I saw him for the first time again I was shocked at how his presence or more so his charisma just came back through to me, his voice, his amazing smile. That wonderful brain. Some people just have it in spades.

But he was right on to it again he always managed to let me know my many faults; “have you developed a bit of a drinking problem?” (said he who drinks and smokes regularly and sometimes quite heavily) “How do you know?” I said. He just looked at me and said ‘Oh Roz’ and laughed. I told him about the Italian and how I was just going through the motions of relationship death roll and other things were difficult right now too.

I was about to ask him about why we just ended as we did a few days before I was due to fly out to Chicago as we had planned (it was me who ultimately told him to forget it, but…) and he must have sensed it because he said “do you wanna know why…(not finishing the sentence, not having to)” he said “I want to tell you why…When you see a tornado coming do you run to it or from it”. “A tornado? So I am a tornado” I said. “You know what I mean” he said. “Yes, I guess I do”.

The long but wonderful skype talk left me feeling happier (it seems the yank and I will continue to stay in touch as friends, I do enjoy our chats, but that is all I have in me for now. I woke to a text message from him this morning which was sweet), but I found myself milling over the ‘tornado’ comment and being tiddly as I was I knew I shouldn’t but I had to ask and the only one I knew I could was the Italian. So I text him (yes, again) and told him what the yank had said and he pretty much replied immediately that he did not agree with that comment. That was sweet of him considering. God I will miss him. In the cold light of the morning I realise how fucking crazy it was to text him but I wasn’t thinking straight last night. Will I ever again? Think straight?!

No alcohol today. My body has had enough and it is just playing with fire to keep that ridiculousness up. I need to treat my body with some respect. I need to refocus.

Love and whitelight xx

Train wreck or hot mess?..semantics

Either or, I am definitely one of those, a spectacular train wreck or a bloody hot mess at this time. I woke up and thought that the universe had seen fit to reward my bad behaviour by restoring my sight to 20/20 and then I realised I was so completely inebriated last night I had fallen asleep with my contact lenses in…AND I NEVER DO THAT…

It illustrated to me that I was so far gone and I am so full of remorse today because like a complete twat I wrote long texts to ‘him’ (formerly known as T.G.O..I can’t even bring myself to say it) and was basically barraging the poor guy. You look at yourself and say ‘my god, I have become one of them, those women that are pathetic…the stalking banchi’s you see going bananas and hammering a poor guy never leaving them alone’…I am a reasonably intelligent woman (some have even called me very so…meh) but I was showing no signs of intelligence last night.

Although everything else is up the shit right now, the only thing I seem to be able to feel deeply about is how I will never see this man ever again. And even though so much of us was not quite right all I can think of was the good and sometimes funny things about him like how daggy he could be and his retro terminology. He would love to make love when we were out of it, if we were I knew I was in for a bloody good time. Crazy times, at our age but fun and funny and so enjoyable. Not all the time, too tiring but special.

In the midst of the barrage last night something strange happened. For a split second there was complete clarity (yes even whilst blind drunk) it was like my guides were seeing how much I was struggling and in pain by it all and they gave me a message. A clear ‘aha’ moment where I realised that he and I had unfinished business from a previous life, there was a soul connection somewhere past and this was my penance in this life. It was like a karmic response to something previous and that I had to take that lesson and realise that we are not meant to be in this life. May never be but in this we are done. So I sent a message that I wished him love in this life and apologised for my craziness.

Off the planet, maybe so to some but I believe. So much of what is happening right now is as a consequence of past lives. There are lessons to learn and karmic debt to be repaid if I can put it like that, right now I am having trouble enunciating as I am still vastly hungover and tired.

Later today I may be talking to Yank 2 via Skype. He messaged me yesterday. It was a nice ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark stormy day. I missed talking with him and his crazy highbrow way and the things we discuss are sometimes so way out most would think we were definitely nuts but its great because he challenges me intellectually and I love that.

But relationship material we are not and I dont feel that way about him anymore. And part of me feels like I shouldn’t because I am betraying ‘him’ but that is silly because he no longer cares and I must let go. It was what he wanted. God I miss him already. So sad about it all.

I need to go and have something to eat and try to find a way to rise above this stuff right now….

Love and whitelight xxx

Easier to let go…hitting bottom

I just woke up, later than usual because I was awake at 2 in the morning and the previous days’ conversations if you could call it that with him and all of our journey to this point kept replaying in my head trying to find answers and I simply could not find peace enough to sleep. I finally did after I messaged him, it was like I had finally let go which was what I know he wanted anyway but did not have the courage to do it.

This was the one time I really did not want to give up. I thought we had a chance of growing into something really strong and special. When we spent time together and even just talking to each other on the phone the connect was wonderful. But over the last couple of weeks it was impossible to invest the time to create a stronger connect through intimacy both physical and spiritual because he simply was not available. Two or three times including Friday he would ring and tell me he was just too tired to catch up. The window of opportunity for us was narrow anyway but he made it even more so. I knew he was distancing but I simply did not want to follow the pattern that had been set of me walking away. As I said, I had fallen for him and had hoped that when he said he wanted to see where this may go he meant it. But actions speak louder than words.

Yes, in most of my relationships I have been the one to walk away. I walked out on Joe in Arizona (many would say with good reason), I called time with Yank 2. And so many of my previous relationships including my ex husband it was me but this time even though (I knew finally yesterday it was over) I sent a final message to him after 2am this morning telling him I would make it easier for him because he was always so worried about hurting me, it was actually him that had given up. He told me we both had to think about things but what he really meant was that unless I was happy to continue on his terms, casual and uncommitted he wasn’t interested. And I realised that no matter how I felt or what I did it was hopeless and I was only hurting myself. You cannot make someone love you if they don’t. And I had already passed the point of no return by falling in love with him, just friends was going to be impossible for me, sadly.

Two songs were playing in my head intermittently in my early morning unrest as well, I know it sounds quite mad but I often wake up or sometimes at strange times end up with songs in my head and it is like they are there as a kind of message. One was Christina Aguilera’s ‘Trust the Voice within’ lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaaguilera/thevoicewithin.html ) and the other was The Main ingredient’s ‘Everybody plays the fool’ and with that one the lyrics just ran through my brain at one stage;

Ok, so your heart is broken
You’re sitting around mopin’, cryin’, cryin’
You say you even think about dying
Well, before you do anything rash, baby, dig this

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Fallin’ in love is such an easy thing to do
But there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is gonna love you
Oh, loving eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean, it clouds your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it, when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason, is swept away
Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, you’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry, but when you do, next time around someone cries for you

Hey, everybody plays the fool, sometime
Use your heart just like a tool, listen baby
They never tell you so in school, I wanna say it again,
Everybody plays the fool

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Every plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I wanna say it again
Everybody plays the fool

Always loved that song, the lyrics are so true, always loved classic American soul and R&B from the 70’s.

So when I woke today I had a cry. I felt empty. I had managed to hit bottom again. No relationship, no job, no proper place to live, not much savings left, and barely seeing my boys for a couple of weeks through things out of my control, no real friends in sight, well yes I see the odd one or two on odd occasions and then there is Facebook and its easy opt out ‘messenger’ messages rather than real contact. The people I consider my best friends are in Sydney and Seattle. I can’t move for work to Sydney where there is much more because of my beautiful eldest and the fact I may lose him soon….I have hit bottom.

Funnily though right now I feel there is nothing much else to lose except my health and my life; I lost my mind a long long time ago!

My goodness…..humour…in the midst of the wank and bullshit. I feel extraordinarily calm. I know I will probably go through sadness at times about this in the next days. But I can’t help feeling that even with what seems like hitting bottom again the only way from here is up if I chose to not give in as I have felt recently and just be grateful for the lessons learned. Like I said, it could be much worse, many people are much worse off. This is yet another bad time in my life but hell I have also been through much worse and I have no right to feel sorry for myself when my son is losing his fight daily with something that cannot be altered…..

Universe, I am in your hands, I give it up to you in complete faith and accept that which cannot be changed. I just want some peace again…

Love and whitelight xxx

This is the split second..

I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non lucidity..it seems right and if you have toyed with the plan..it just may work..no..that is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or him..how often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE fade..in the memory in time…

I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.

Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the above..it has taken some of the impetus out of things.

Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.

So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything

But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.

It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.

Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs me..to an extent.

But it is becoming exhausting right now…

More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx

Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx

Acceptance, love and good energy

What a surprising few days it has been. Surprising and satisfying.

It’s amazing what happens when you accept and remain in a place of good thoughts, love and good energy. So much was hitting me at once I was feeling quite overwhelmed and then I remembered that I hadn’t done the work on myself since the yank 1 debacle and getting off years of antidepressants just to buckle under the rubbish.

So I gave it up to the universe. “I give it all up to you universe with love and complete faith and trust in you and I am very grateful for all my many blessings and abundance”.

And I did. I let the worry, the wank and the bullshit go.

My son got his botox injections, his father did pay for them and I was so grateful. He is still struggling, it takes a while for them to work and unfortunately the degeneration has progressed quite forward so there is no telling what the result will be but at least there is the promise of his writhing and jerking and some of the pain to slow down making things less exhausting for him. We have been in touch much more often and that has been a huge blessing. And I took my youngest son to lunch yesterday and bought him some much needed groceries, things that a student at University living independently can’t quite afford and that made me feel good, that he allowed me to do that. He usually gets really worried and says mum you cant afford to do this but I was able to say ‘I just got a job’ and I think that helped!

Yes, I got a job. A permanent job, in this terrible jobs market and economy. I had decided that I really did not want to go back into the stressful ridiculous work I have been doing for years and started to target work in my first career incarnation not long after I got out of School. Travel. I hadn’t worked in the industry for over 25 years and it seemed that even though I had a very good and long background in it (when I left many years ago I was second in charge of an office and a Senior) many were not willing to give me a chance. But I persisted. And I also accepted that I would only earn barely above minimum wage (there is an opportunity for bonuses plus other benefits and a chance to move up quickly) but I know the work is enjoyable and less stressful and that suited me just fine and it is a foot in the door of the industry again. So Friday, a day after my interview I was offered the job. Another blessing.

This will allow me to get an apartment closer to the city, so less isolated and much closer to my sons (my priority as I don’t know how much time I have left with my son) and also friends, who I couldn’t catch up with regularly because transport is merde out here in the sticks!

And Friday night I went out to dinner with ‘the good one’. He took me to dinner and we had a great time, discussed what was going on with us openly and honestly…which at the moment doesn’t need to be defined and I am OK with that because there is so much else going on and also I like having him in my life even if it doesn’t become ‘forever after’. And then we had a fabulous night of wine and music video and ohhhh boyyyy, always off the charts. He made me a lovely breakfast in the morning, it was all up a lovely time. And I was grateful that we are as we are with each other; no pressures no expectations, just friendship, a good friendship where anything can be talked about without fear or worry and just being.

I have let many expectations go realising that to continually push against the tide is futile and a waste of precious energy. I have come to accept that things will be as they are meant to be no matter how much you fight it but if you just let go and ‘go with the flow’ (I kinda hate cliche’s but…) the stress and worry just goes and a sense of peace emerges. I have been searching for that. Peace. Inner peace. It is a wonderful feeling.

For now I am happy to go with it. I want to enjoy the adventures to come but more so I want to enjoy this contentment and acceptance.

“his’ daughter, the “him” in life beyond him” is about to turn 13 August 2 if I remember correctly. At the time he was so love hazed he wanted me to be at his side for the party he was throwing her ‘in the middle of it he wrote me ” things feel bare without you here, I need my hostess by my side”. It’s been 2 years. It took me that long to really let all of that go. I had even written to him when I was in Sydney because right next to me was a building with the name of the company he works for in big bold writing and every time I went to work I would see it and it made me think of him, stupidly, even though at that time I was talking to yank 2. Of course he did not write back. I guess I just had to feel what I was feeling and move through it over time. It was the most difficult thing to emerge from. I really loved him. But I have emerged and for that I am grateful.

Life goes on…thankfully….Love and whitelight xxx

Relentless..cat ping pong…f%$#k NBIA

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. Well, right now I challenge that assumption (and who the hell was the smart fucker who coined that phrase anyway?!). Things feel relentless. Things feel so mind blowingly out of control that at times I feel like I am out of body looking at my situation from a parallel universe saying ‘what the fuck?’. Like I am the mouse frozen with fear rolling stiff as a board between the paws of the merciless cat as he just ping pongs me to and fro…

I spent the day with my eldest son yesterday and his disease (neurodegeneration with brain iron accumulation or NBIA) is progressing fast again and I know that time is limited and it hit me after he left yesterday. It left me a crying mess on the bed in my bedroom. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know how to stop it and that just kills me inside. He is now not in control of his body as the dystonia progresses, he writhes uncontrollably at times and often in pain and hearing him cry out for morphine…he was always a very strong boy pain wise so I know he really is in pain when he asks for it. He finds it difficult to speak now. You can just make out the words through the mumble because his tongue is not in his control anymore, he finds it difficult to eat. He has a tube in his stomach for when he cant. It is like he is trapped in a body that is failing him…I WISH IT WAS ME and not him. Why can’t I take that pain away from him?

Botox has been some help in loosening the limbs enough to give him temporary relief but it no longer available on subsidy. The government has pulled it. I don’t have that kind of money. His father does but for some reason chooses not to pay it anymore..probably to do with his controlling screaming harpy nutcase of a wife and the massive mortgage for the new mansion she talked him into buying….she has managed to destroy all relationships within his family and the one between him and I as well with her ridiculous insecurity. There is a reason why I divorced him biatch..I don’t want him back. But I do want him to communicate with me about my son and I want access to him (my son) which is not easy at present because of her and her Jedi mind control of him. Another out of control situation.

I can’t find work here at present, Perth is once again a lame duck as the mining boom has long gone and the idiot government here wasted so much money thinking the boom was forever that we are now in bad deficit and they are cutting essential services before anything else. I know I could if I go back to Sydney I would instantly get work but I can’t leave with my son fading now. I promised him.

And my love life reads like several bad episodes of ‘Days of our lives’. In a drunken stupor the other day (yes I am anesthetizing myself more regularly at present, it is the only thing keeping me from the nuthouse), I caved in and messaged ‘the good one’ about a week later, even after my brave talk about ‘the dance’ and he seemed content when I told him I am happy to ‘fuck him same place same time next week’…DONT JUDGE ME, I HAVE NEEDS…

Yes, I did use some harsh language and told him in no uncertain terms I am onto him..always was but I do like his penis, it is the best of a bad bunch at present. A distraction of sorts. He seemed to like my bravado and told me ‘I know I do your head in, but I really do like you’. Ahhhgh. What’re you gonna do?!

And more recently I find myself thinking that life in Arizona with the narcissist, amongst the rattlesnakes and scorpions may have been easier. I still at times have a mental picture of that photo of he and I when I was 16 and he was 25 (see my photos) and think..what might have been. He wasn’t a narcissist in those days. At least, I dont think so.

Ohhh, I am slipping…I am lost….what to do?

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

 

Don’t settle…life’s too short

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle……

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs (Excerpts from his Stanford Commencement address 2005)

I have always loved that speech. From a man who managed to change the world in his own way and reminds me when I feel that ball of anxiety in my stomach about what I want to and am going to do going forward that trusting in your gut, your instinct; yourself does make a huge difference.

The most recent changes that have affected me, yet not in the way it used to, I now know were meant to occur. Accepting it has made it so much easier to rise above the pain and mental struggle that used to be part of my robotic response to all my failures or what I perceived to be failures in my life; learnt from years of bad and painful experiences.

Our perceived failures are actually gifts. Gifts of learning. But instead of thinking of them as just one more reason why your life is shit when you embrace that shit; and lets face it life is full of it! Then you realise that shit can also be a very good fertilizer which helps the seeds grow and emerge from the soil to become something much more worthwhile and substantial.

Another of my favourite speeches is by the author J K Rowling in a Harvard Commencement speech;

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure. But the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. Failure means a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself to be anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena where I believe I truly belonged. Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life.

This last couple of years, (I just realised it is coming up to 2 years since I first reconnected with Joe and the subsequent merde that followed) have brought me to a place I hadn’t been before and might not have found if it hadn’t occurred. Back to myself. I have for years been going through the motions of living disconnected from myself because I believed that separating myself from what I saw as the flawed me meant that I would fit into what was required of me set down by societal expectations and ‘the norm’. But that only made me profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied.

These latest setbacks came about for very good reasons. I am starting to appreciate them. I am asking questions of myself I should have a long time ago. But I am also forming a much stronger opinion about what I want and in particular what I don’t in my life.

Today would have been my flight day. I was booked to fly to Chicago departing today to see a man I thought I knew but realistically how could I and it more than likely would have ended in not only heartbreak but even more disappointment in my life. Another bad choice. I realised that all the things he had accused me of in some of his open criticisms of me and how I live my life were just a reflection of his own incapacity and disappointments. And that is OK. Or I would have perhaps ended up ‘settling’ for something unspectacular because I believed it was the best I could get at my age and in my current circumstances. He once told me my ‘I always land on my feet’ statement was something that was foolhardly and that had an expiration date.Well I’m sorry fellow fool, the difference between you and I is that I truly know and have the faith in myself that it is the truth. The only thing that holds anyone back is other peoples opinions and boundaries if you believe in them.

I, no longer do. Respect others right to an opinion but do not live your life by any other rules but your own.

On a lighter note another strange occurrence happened in this last week or so. “the good one” and his lady broke up. Out of the blue he text me on the weekend to tell me that he too was ‘not having much luck’ in the relationship realm. We are seeing each other this Friday night.

I don’t know, as the Dalai Lama says “sometimes not getting what you want can be a marvelous stroke of luck”….could be true…

Love and whitelight xx