Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx

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Trying to stay upright in a tsunami of crap

It is rare these days that I feel as I am right now. But yesterday there was one more thing told to me that made me accept the reality of what is happening with my boy and I caved. And I used the bottle to self anaesthetise and I sobbed like a child who had something precious taken away from her.

And that is rare these days because after so long I had finally found a kind of inner peace. But yesterday that seemed tenuous.

I don’t like to write or talk about this fucking disease that has my eldest son firmly in its grip. If I don’t talk about it it doesn’t exist. I had to talk about it yesterday as it was one of the rare times that my ex husband and I speak now and it was firstly me pointing out to him something I had found about new groundbreaking research about a thing called ‘gene silencing’. I am always alert and reading trying to find some magical cure. But as I thought, my ex husband was already aware of it and told me it wasn’t going to work for our son, but there may be something else; he mentioned this DNA repair mechanism thing which  was long winded and ridiculously titled and although I try to never entertain finality, for a window of time yesterday I did.

And I had never felt so alone and so out of control of things. There was nothing I could do to stop this and it was the worst feeling in the world.

I know that all around shit is happening to others, that I am not the only one. We had bad fires in this state over the last few days and people have lost their homes and livelihoods and that is horrendous. There are people displaced from their countries trying to find a place to call home and being turned away. There are any number of things happening.

But my reality is all I can or can’t handle right now, it may sound selfish but it is true.

I don’t know what to do and I am trying hard to stay upright and it ain’t easy AT ALL. Aside from my financial, job and living stresses and other crap (which is actually nothing compared to my boys’ illness), my ex told me that my son is now losing his voice which indicates that currently the deterioration is currently in his throat and it may close up and he will choke to death and that has always been my worst fear. This hideous thing has made it hard for him to talk, chew and swallow food. His limbs are starting to cripple from dystonia and it has become painful for him so they have him dosed up on heavy duty pain killers. This insidious fucking thing is slowly taking away his ability to live and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. At times I feel I am dying inside from this torturous knot I can not undo.

I rang my youngest son yesterday to make sure he was OK because he is living with it first hand (he lives with his father now and so does his brother. His father is very good provider, he can afford things I just can’t, and very dedicated to our boys and for that I am so grateful). I told him how proud I am of him and how he holds himself in these trying times, that he was on the front line and he said to me ‘I’m not on the front line mum, Jordy is’.  He was so right and he is amazing. The positive out of all this is that I have been blessed with 2 of the most amazing human beings that ever existed…my beautiful sons…my angels.

As I wrote the above in partial tears and with a large lump in my throat a wonderful feeling came over me. The realisation that I can now also see the beautiful side of things. After many months of working through my fucked up mind and working hard to gain some semblance of strength and resilience it just occurred to me that I now automatically see the upside of the situation.

That for whatever time I have been and am blessed to have these beautiful humans in my life I am profoundly lucky and very grateful. They have always been my anchor to this earth and I need to firmly anchor now, in this time…for both of them. Snap out of my self pity and just get on with it.

And I will.

I knew that writing this out like this would help pull me out of it, what I have been feeling….fuck the tsunami of crap…it won’t take me down without a fight..not this time…

Love and whitelight xx

In a world of arseholes…how do you keep faith?

I am having a crisis of faith right now. I am finding it hard to stay positive and believe when people keep saying ‘good things are coming’ and then I look around…. If I hear anyone say that at this point I would probably be tempted to tell them to ‘go f%#$ themselves’.

Life is not all beer and skittles, I know that. It has ups and downs, and then those ups and downs can be extreme and at times the downs can be relentless.

I keep telling myself ‘there is always someone worse off than you’ ‘keep it in perspective’. I look at my son who I also managed to have another day with yesterday and he struggles to eat, chew, swallow, balance , walk, be free from pain and dystonia, recover from choking because this darned disease has very much taken hold and he struggles everyday to do things, even simple things that many of us including me take for granted.

And then I look at everything going on not only in my life but around me and in the world; like Paris and all I see are the arseholes in this world prevailing and the good people…suffering and struggling. And I say to myself “WHY?” why is there so much imbalance, unfairness and injustice in this world.

Take America for example; there are people admittedly SOME talented and they make a disproportionate amount of money from simply pretending to be someone else (actors), or they sing a song and entertain you for five minutes and wiggle their arses around half naked, or they take prolific photos of themselves and gain a following for just taking a good photo of once again their almost bare arses (think Kardashians)(IE predominantly the narcissists of this world) and they make gazillions and are revered and yet there are people not only in their own country but all over the world that are starving, being displaced, suffering from diseases yet can not get access to medication they need to live IE Charlie Sheen and his access to retro-viral drugs for AIDS and yet millions worldwide and in particular Africa go through painful suffering and death because they simply can not access it. WHY? Survival of the fittest and most admired? Do you have to be narcissistic and self serving to go far in this world?

I am tired of people saying it’s ok, just accept it, stay positive, be mindful, the universe or god will provide. I AM WAITING TO SEE SOME BALANCE IN THIS WORLD. I am trying to create some in my life but I seem to keep banging my head, and I have a conscience, I won’t do things to harm others and I have a soft centre, compassion and empathy…its called a heart.

It is so hard to not lose your faith and will to live amongst it when all you see and hear are arseholes prevailing and good people suffering.

That is all I needed to say today…my energy an outlook on life is low today…I am not depressed, I won’t allow it. I just see things as they are and call it….I don’t live in FAIRY LAND where Glenda the good witch makes everything right with the wave of the wand….it is not reality….

Realising the difference…. stay in the moment…it still tugs..

There is one heck of alot going on right now in my life and yet there isn’t much at all at the same time. Quite a dichotomy. But one thing I have realised this morning in particular is that although things are ridiculous and could quite possibly trigger or would have triggered a very poor state of mind leading to another bout of depression and other stuff associated with it my mind is still in a much better place than it has been for a long time, seems more resilient and bounces back, sans medication and irrespective of all the shit; i.e I am caring for an elderly mother right now just returned from a bout in hospital, she is illiterate and very ignorant (she was also part of a yucky childhood that I so fought to be rid of in these last months and to a great extent have done but there is still some residual mental torture there from it all). Our living arrangements are tenuous and she is a hoarder so I have had and still have a mammoth task to get rid of and organise things  with regard to living arrangements etc. (I lost a large sum of money a number of years ago and I have been struggling alot ever since, swings and roundabouts and this city is incredibly expensive to live in).

My beautiful eldest son’s disease is progressing more rapidly now to the point where the other day when I finally got to see him after far too long (that in itself is a story, I would prefer to be the one caring for him but his father is very financial and has a much better environment for him and he is better off there but I miss him every day and it is hard for a mother to give up what comes naturally) he was unable to swallow, chew and talk properly, needs assistance to walk but is able to move with a small gopher vehicle using 1 hand and the other is now completely useless because of dystonia. His limbs are all twisting and soon he probably will be wheelchair bound if he doesn’t choke to death first. I have seen him choking in front of me a number of times and because of the nature of this disease there is not a bloody thing you can do about it…it is harrowing. But because he is no longer upright of his own accord he at least has not fallen and cracked his skull again for a long time now thank goodness.  But amongst it all we still laugh together and he smiles alot and is so strong and absolutely amazing and I am incredibly proud he is my son. His younger brother is studying at University but he still finds the time to help his brother, love him and is an amazing brother and I am equally proud of him. But I know that I may lose him soon from this bastard disease and I hate it, it tears at me.

My contract, what little that was left was paid out and I guess that in itself at this time that was a good thing but months of illness myself has left me in a difficult position financially and workwise and after this small payout I can not get financial assistance for a while (til the money runs out) and I have chosen not to get a carer’s payment for many reasons; but one of them is that if I don’t get this business up and running (that is going to take some time as I have a few knowledge gaps I am working on at present..I am a bit behind the technology 8 ball, I wish I had the ability alot of young people have these days they know their shit about ‘digital’ and I am playing catch up constantly) and get a job in the meantime, at my age I will be forever on the poverty line and the thought of that scares the fuck out of me…but I am trying to use that as a motivator even though as those that have been reading my blog will know I have been struggling psychologically too. But I can’t give up. There are times I feel it would be easier and I did get close to a another spiral recently but I managed to fight it off, come back to being in the moment and now I realise that although I have had those times I am still able to get myself back up again…eventually over rule the negative self talk and anxiety and stress, sadness and despair and keep going and manage to smile too! Smiling is the bomb! What it represents is far more than we give it credit for!

Once again I say; I know there are many others with much greater struggles but mine are mine and they are real and challenging for me at times but I know I have good reason for feeling that way and recognising that helps. Trying to remain kind to yourself, patient with yourself, helps.

And unfortunately, that bout with the devil (I still think about whether it was all a bad dream and that we both misunderstood each other and I remember the good things and then I still feel like I love him at times and miss even talking to him and I long for those things to be real and for us to be able to at least talk to each other as friends even) but I know this is common when you love a narcissist they get into your psych and you are never the same again. And you can’t talk about it to people, they don’t believe you or just don’t understand, they think it’s you!  If he was a normal person things wouldn’t have ended as they did and he would have at least talked things through, I know I have never taken this long to ‘get over’ a relationship and I somehow feel I will never completely forget him. I just wish it was a dream or bad mistake and that he was still in my life (sad, wrong, but true). But at least it doesn’t hurt me like it used to. The flashbacks and longing hasn’t quite stopped, it still tugs. I guess it will over a very long time. But I have enough to deal with and need to stay strong.

I forced myself back to the gym yesterday and am going to go almost daily if I can, it gives me a break from looking after mum and helps my mind. And I will go out and see friends when I can, I have to, staying connected is the key.

I need to write more again, I love writing, and I need to start reading others blogs again. It is one way to stay connected to others at times when I physically can’t.  Love and white light x