Shades of crazy…Jimi rules!

Image shared courtesy of Tinybuddha.com with thanks

I read my post of yesterday with complete dismay. So, so low. Bordering depressed, in fact there would surely be a diagnosis of depression at some level if the current standard of psychology was applied;

Criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks. Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline. Impaired function: social, occupational, educational. Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:

1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).

2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day

3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite

4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia

5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation

6. Fatigue or loss of energy

7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness

9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

Irrational worry, preoccupation with unpleasant worries, trouble relaxing, feeling tense, fear that something awful might happen. Substance abuse causing depressed mood (eg. drugs, alcohol, medications)

If this is the case then I have surely been depressed for the last 3 months because I hit every bullet point and theoretical standard they apply.

But in today’s lucid light I look at my circumstances (in no particular order of importance)  and say NO. I HAVE FUCKING GOOD REASONS TO FEEL AS I DO RIGHT NOW. Lets take a look:

I have just lost a relationship with someone I adored as a friend and lover. Nothing when it comes to relationships is ever guaranteed but I treasured what we had, what little of it there was. So it is painful, but that is life. Things end. But some people remain inside no matter what.

I have a son (my eldest) that for years has been fighting a disease N.B.I.A which in the last 2 years has amped up, working its way through his body enough that I know I may lose him sooner rather than later. And watching what it is doing to him is killing me because there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT. I have known for years and thought I had come to a place of peace and acceptance about it but now I know I have not. I may not handle things as well as most but watching your child (now adult) lose their chance at a full and happy life whilst they also lose their ability to do simple things like walk, talk, eat, see and are in constant pain and  become trapped in their bodies is ….fucked. I have always been grateful for the time we have had with him, some parents barely get to hold their child before they are taken away. But this is my story and my pain and at times I just do not deal with it well. And it has been going on for a long torturous time.

Very recently I have taken a hammering (in confidence and chances in the future) from the loss of 2 jobs, in a bad economic environment and I am aging to boot so my value in the workplace has been further diminished but not only that I found that I could not work in environments that disrespected and devalued you with constant threat of ‘if you dont like it there are hundreds more that will’ with no-one else willing to take a stand for their basic rights for fair pay and conditions because they themselves are too scared which effectively perpetuates this horrible battery hen situation.

There are other things too such as going through that marvelous gift to women in their 50’s; ohhh boy aren’t we the lucky ones; giving birth leaves our bodies wracked with problems like leaky bladders and stretched and prolapsed vaginas, our bodies in pain, stretch and sag and bleed sometimes so profusely that we often have days where we dont know our own name let alone where we are and whilst we go through this fun men of similar age are busy looking for women half our age because who wants to fuck a saggy vagina and a woman with “baggage” baggage that has more than likely partially been left by the constant drive by shots in the heart from they themselves….breathe Rozy….

As I said, I could go on but I have had my rant.

So my plan for today is pretty much as yesterday until I get my head back together from everything.  I just got a text from yank, bless his heart, he does care! I was listening to Jimi Hendrix late yesterday as I poored myself a number of Mojitos and as I muddled the lime and mint I realised and passed comment in a message to him that the only greens (green vegetables) I seem to be eating lately is the mint in my Mojitos!! His answer today to that and I know he is driving his truck right now but possibly on a short break in order to do it was “Jim rules! Enjoy…Hugs K…”

Image result for when the power of love

Here is one of my favourites Hendrix songs although it is hard to choose as i just love his music fullstop!

Voodoo Child;  https://youtu.be/IZBlqcbpmxY

So today more of Jimi and my wonderful wet bar. I have nearly made it to tomorrow when I see my beautiful eldest son and I know the joy of holding him will surpass everything. And everything I feel right now will fade whilst I am with him. But til tomorrow….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Is the moon constantly on FULL??

OK, I think  am officially in the twilight zone. I keep wondering if the moon has stayed on full for the last year because the instances of looney tunes continues…

Friday evening I caught up with my ‘friend’ he invited me over for the weekend I think I mentioned it in my previous post and it all started well. Although a bit crazy, his idea of having fun was a dive bar with women wearing skimpy and at times next to no outfits and very drunk men shoving money into their G-strings and then either falling over or punching each other! I should’ve known the weekend wasn’t going to go well after that, but I am open minded even if I was slightly overdressed for the evening both in class and clothing!

Then home to his house in the hills for an evening of Country music and watching him dance around the lounge room half naked with cowboy boots and hat!  OHH my freaking god…!

Aside from the fact that watching an italian dressed that way and his love of country music (I have known him for a little while and by no means did I have a clue he was that way inclined…I’m afraid I have a distinct DISLIKE for country crooning although the odd stuff is OK)..but I went with it good sport that I am..

Oh and he took me outside and uncovered his prized possession a beautifully restored and polished Monaro..the Aussie equivalent of one of those American classics I so love and wanted to do the horizontal mambo in the back seat….OK, I’m game…DON’T Judge, I’m all for the horizontal mambo when it feels right!:)

Thank goodness for copious amounts of al-cy-hol ending in American honey on the rocks in large quantities…

After a very late night or early morning he told me he had to do some work that morning..a rare Saturday and he wanted me to be his truck wench (yes I have sunk another level)! Drives a huge Volvo truck that carts Asphalt and then has to deliver and dump it over a very long period of time and waiting around…OHHH JOY…my head throbbing and more country music blaring in the cabin…arrgghh

But I went with that too and by lunchtime we were back home and gathering stuff for the evening, food and drinks. More drinking (it is a sad thing in a way but Aussies do use alcohol as a drug of choice regularly, its as part of the landscape as the Sydney Harbour bridge unfortunately…perhaps it is just a way of making things better temporarily), and a barbecue later that afternoon which initially was nice. Some friends came over, all good, until he started to take pot shots at his mate. And eventually over time at me and believe me after all the bullshit and wank I have gone through with men of late like Yanky Joe and crazy Chevvy guy there was no way on gods great earth I was putting up with that shit.

Being stuck up there in hills late my only course of action was to go to bed, so I did. I think he got it then. Then first thing in the morning I told him to take me to the station (which was a fair way away) and then I went home. After his sheepish demeanor and profuse apologies, trying to salvage our friends with benefits connection, as I got out of the car at the station he tried to kiss me; but I said thanks and look after yourself Joe (yes another bloody crazy Italian Joe) and I know he knew I was wishing him a good life!

Oh and yesterday I get a call that my mother has gone and discharged herself from the hospital against the doctors wishes and that was the last straw for me too because the whole reason she was back there was because she would not do what they told her too. I have helped her with absolutely everything constantly over many many weeks now and tried to get her to do the right thing and ‘listen’ but to no avail so I am now wiping my hands of that too…she is a grown woman, I can’t wipe her backside for her, not that she was ever much of a mother anyway, manipulative, selfish and expecting everyone to help and the only time she is ever nice to me is when she wants something. Finito.

If there is one thing I am learning from these looney tune events is that if people don’t want to help themselves or know how to behave you can not be responsible for them you have to let them learn the hard way. You can only do so much and just look after yourself and after everything I am now doing that….me first.

Ahhh then yet again a minute ago I get a call from a social worker from the hospital and she is meant to go to an appointment today and instead she has gone to the casino…even in her state…FINITO for good, you can not help someone who does not want to help themselves, bar having them committed! 

I have meetings this afternoon and tomorrow about work, fingers crossed, and I am going to the gym after having a week off it. I need to keep my mind in good shape or I will end up in the asylum…

Many will think I am mad for continuing to date when there is so much else going on but it takes my mind off things for a little while and that helps. I will be so much happier when I am back at work. I can’t change certain things like my sons illness, my mothers dumbness and the male arses in this world but I can keep going, trying to move forward and stay smiling when I can….maybe the moon will start to wane finally…

 

 

Removing the chains that bind….the man-shed theory!

Every day lately starts the same way, well, until today. I had to go to an appointment yesterday about possible work and then after I had a ‘healing’ session with a very good spiritual healer and card reader! Yes, I know, you either believe or you don’t..whatever works for you. Me, I am taking a multi-dimensional approach..haha. After that I took myself out to lunch, but more about that later.

I had been feeling a bit ‘stuck’, as written in my previous post and quite frankly aside from doing things the stock standard way I also thought I would shake it up a little. I have always believed in a higher power, whether that be god, the universe, people have their own beliefs but I also look at things from a scientific approach. To me that is balance. Science deals with the form we take here on this earth and the rest..the spiritual realm by the higher power or powers.

Yesterday after my meeting the impetus was strong to go see this healer and when I walked in to make an appointment she was free immediately (these people are often busy), it was like it was meant to be. I find that. When something is meant to be it flows and there is rarely a roadblock in sight.

Needless to say, she and I sat in a blaze of ‘energy’ that I found quite uplifting after a while, after she had done the healing part and helped by removing the chains or as she called it ‘the mass of balls and chains that have you completely bound, predominantly by the will of others’. She was right. There was alot she said that I had already knew to be true but I guess confirmation in an uncanny way was great.

We spoke about ‘this man’, Joe, and how I could not seem to kick him completely so I asked her how do I break this ridiculous hold he seemed to have over me. Apparently we had strong ties from several past lives (as I said, believe or not but I believe in reincarnation of sorts).

Now this was a bugger to break. Every time I tried to focus as required, eyes closed, hands linked something was doing it’s best to distract me. I had to really focus. Eventually, it happened and the lightness that came upon me at a certain moment was incredible. It made me feel lightheaded even for a time.

Now I don’t know exactly what shifted but as I walked out into the warmth and sunshine my brain felt less scattered and I had a sense of peace about things. Even this morning I have more certainty in what I need to do for myself and feel more grounded even though as I said, after the session I took myself off to lunch and had a few glasses of wine into the mix! Yesterday was a just go with the flow day!

So, I entered the Hotel’s restaurant, solo as I have done many times before. I like to eat out even on my own, I really do not mind my own company and inevitably I end up chatting with people around anyway. I travelled alot for many years and I love the spontaneity of talking to new and interesting people which you are often forced to do when you travel.

The waitress said “is it just you?” and in a slightly miffed moment I said “yes its JUST me”. Inside I was thinking ‘yes it is me only but I am not ‘just”!! Feisty.

After an overpriced and not very tasty lunch (the wine however, was nice), I went into the bar area where they have music videos and great chesterfield type couches and sat down to have another wine, listen to the music, write in my journal. I always carry it with me. It is a leather bound one I bought at Barnes and Noble in Gilbert, Arizona when ‘he’ had dropped me off on a lonely shopping trip to get out of the house because he was just too busy to spend time with me (and was giving me the cold shoulder on and off even by then, I never knew what face I was going to see each morning or if he would even talk to me) even though he said he would take time off when I flew over and never did.

Oh dear, I have just seen the time, I need to write part two later, perhaps tomorrow (Man-shed theory etc, its hilarious) as I have a lunch date again…yes, I have done my job search for the morning and I am not being light hearted about it all but yesterday I met someone and he wanted to take me to lunch and in the spirit of “go with the flow” I decided to say ‘yes’!….part two to follow:)

I refuse to go quietly….stuff convention…

It’s taken a day and more searching, because this stuff about him and desperately trying to get myself out of a bas..rd of a depression without medication and dealing with past shit is becoming incredibly boring…I can’t take much more of it. It’s bullshit. Arrrggghhh….in high octave!

I’m starting to get that part of my ‘issues’ are hormonal as well as a healthy dose of midlife transition. I call it transition because midlife crisis assumes you are a chaotic mess and I just won’t own up to that…..not without kicking and screaming …..oxymoronic but…I simply must do it my way.

I’m also coming to realise that this soul searching I was forced into by the calamity of my short lived reunite with Tornado Joe after 30 odd years is in fact an existential transition, ok midlife whatsitthingy and if anyone was ever going to have one in spectacular technicolour it’d be me!

I’m realising I have to embrace it not fight it. I have to embrace all of it. Even the him thing. And not look at it with fear and hopelenssness and all the thought patterning of the past whereby my mind allowed me to go into victim mode, to ruminate and replay reasons why I should see it that way….if I allow that then all this pain and debilitation will have been for nothing. And I will never move forward.

This ‘thing’ has been systematically stripping me of everything I have ever known…or at least the way I view things. The only thing I know for certain right now is that I have changed irrevocably and it is a good thing.

I have no way of knowing if I will ever suffer depression again, it seems very possible I will if I don’t find a way to avoid triggers and find a strength of mind that allows me to lessen the effect.

I have no guarantees that if the insidious disease that my son has does take him somewhere in the near future my ability to stay strong for my other son will be reliable, but I must try, they are both everything to me.

I have no idea what I want to do in the future as a career (I admit up til recently I saw my future with him, helping him with his daughter and sharing our experiences as we grow old together, straddling our two countries, making a wonderful life together, the one we should have had 30 years ago…boy was I wrong:(…that doesn’t matter now…it can’t), I have already lived several career incarnations, none ever really hitting the mark therefore now I am searching for that passion..that thing that will take me into my twilight days satisfied that I have done things well and for the right reasons (quite frankly part of me would be happy living subsistence on a farm in upperkimbuktawest), I don’t need to rule the world but I want to do things I enjoy, not what I am forced to from necessity…I am starting to know what I do enjoy but trying to turn that into a career is a challenge…but it needs to be done because life is too short to be stuck in a soul-less box 12 hours a day saying yes sir no sir to some twat with a ego who actually knows absolutely nothing and is proud of it.

This is a time to take risks and there are no guarantees. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.

All I know is that I can’t just lay down and die. I can’t allow myself to fall back into the old habits just because it is comfortable and familiar…too many do that and never realise their secret hopes and desires.

The only shame in all this would be if I do nothing, follow convention and whimper for the rest of my life.

Was supposed to be psych day today but she couldn’t so I guess it is up to me to life my sorry arse out of this shitty cycle and go out into the fresh air. I’ve been isolating for too long, I realised yesterday I was starting to fear going out into the real world, that whilst I was holed up in my psycho prison I was safe and warm and no one could hurt me here. But I have been hurting myself by doing this.

It’s not easy..Last night I saw the tale end of a program about people being treated for depression by a new form of Electroconvulsive therapy and I remember the same Psychiatrist I walked out on , when he tried to get me to change and up my dosage of antidepresssant plus add lithium after I told him I wanted to try coming off antidepresssants after 17 years, wanted me to consider that also.

Bugger that! I know I have suffered depression, I know that my brain is not wired like others, but I also know that I have very good reasons why I have suffered mentally over my lifetime and it is not all about how my brain is wired or chemical imbalance it is much more environmentally based. I feel it in my gut, instinctively. I have spent far too many years not following my instinct and recently I learned that I am quite intuitive and should.

There was an excellent blog I read yesterday called “Personal Tao” their tagline is ‘Always dream even when awake’, and their page on midlife crisis and transformation really resonated with me.

Not everyone has a midlife ‘thingy’ (!!), but I am grateful for mine, slightly bewildered still, but grateful….

And on a lighter note….it really is a man’s world take the panty shield!

I so want a Martini right now, no not to become comfortably numb again although the added bonus of that is undeniable.

The afternoon got better when I watched a documentary on TV about Susan Sontag, yet another well known American writer amongst other things (filmmaker, teacher, political activist) who lived an incredible life, her way, I will not go into detail here those who are interested can find an immense amount of information on the web and in her prolific works.

Needless to say I feel incredibly inspired when I hear the story of people like herself these wonderful creative people who are more often than not incredibly flawed yet live amazing lives. Makes me feel there is hope, in a strange way.

One of her friends described her as a person who was interested in everything and when they said that I felt my god, that is exactly how I feel, all my life I have found so many things I love to read, learn and want to know more about, do, its as if at times there is not enough time to do, learn and experience it all because of the life we are required to live, its another source of frustration for me!. I have always felt that the notion of someone being interested in everything would seem quite bizarre or crazy to others.

I have often said to close friends in conversation that at times I have avoided the company of certain people because I already know what the conversation will be and I once again will find myself bored to tears talking about the colour of the brick chosen for the home extension or Mrs Brown’s sick cat (no offence to Mrs Brown or the sick cat), or the new car the person has just bought which has an extra air bag..by god I don’t give a shit about airbags when there is so much else to discuss and yet as I write this I think about the sometimes content of my blog and say arrggghh to myself because at times I seem to be talking about Mrs Brown’s sick cat who was hit by the airbag myself oh the irony!

This evening as ideas were running through my head I felt incredible annoyance at men in particular because as I reached for a sanitary pad, YES, I AM REALLY GOING THERE…I realised that they had shaved even more centremetres off the middle of the pad which is so incredibly crazy because to me the middle is the most important part becuase it sits where what we are trying to contain is most likely to fall and I realised that when they do this there is probably no consultation at all with women in this process even if we are the ones that are the purchaser of such products yet another classic example of it being still very much a man’s world. And as you know right now I am certainly not a fan of certain men and in particular one especially.

I realise this probably appears to be quite random and inane banter right now, its a diversionary tactic as I really don’t want to think about the things I have been focusing heavily upon lately and end up in that sad dark place again and on that note I think a Martini is now in order and perhaps some music and may be even a chat via the net with friends.

No visit to the dark side tonight.