Blast from the past…taking time out

Life is strange. The twists and turns that make it so unpredictable.

I woke this morning to a ‘ping’ sound, the message notification from FB Messenger. I have to admit I was very surprised by who it was. The beauty of Facebook and other forms of media these days is that people can find you. I guess writing a public blog pretty much puts it out there too! Yikes.

A number of years ago when I was living in Sydney I met an American (Yes, yet another one! Yank 3!!) whom I saw for a little while and it was quite an interesting time to say the least. Ultimately, he had to fly back to the states because his son was still young enough that he needed to be accessible to him and he was still quite attached to a woman he had dated for a long time. I knew that and although I liked him alot, at the end I realised we weren’t going to go anywhere anyway so I let it go.

He did make contact a few times after that but there were a few things that I had to question about him before he left and I felt it was all best left in the past.

This morning I heard from him again. The one thing I have always loved about yank men is that they can be quite damned schmaltzy and romantic. Aussie men are different. I am not going to try explain it because it usually gets the same answer ‘that’s just generalising’ and in a way I guess it is.

His opening line ‘miss you, I’m in Guam, you’re closer now’. Kind of sweet! We had a short chat and he even said ‘I nearly stayed with you in Sydney but my son was still too young and needed me’, well, that was interesting and I am not sure about that comment but it was still kind of sweet.  I know he is in Guam because when I was looking at the stats of my blog, yesterday’s had just one country and it was Guam. He’d obviously found my blog! But with this guy you’d just never know. He gets around. Sydney, Asia, Israel, Colorado, Texas, South Carolina, Wyoming…. I always seem to meet the real ‘characters’ of life. I must admit he did fascinate me. I guess the story may unfold or he may just fade into oblivion again…

Yank 2 and I had a marvelous few hours on Skype again at the beginning of the week. It was so good to talk with him. But I know he and I are only ever going to remain friends and that may fade into the distance as well sadly. But it is good to talk to him, he has a very unique perspective on things and is ultra intelligent. At times the other night I found myself thinking that I never really had a chance with this guy because he would realise eventually what a fraud I am, I, am only average intelligence and would never be able to keep up with him. I have never met anyone like him. I hope we do remain friends. He did lecture me again, about a number of things and about the way I referred to some of the guys I had dated by nationality. We had been talking about what happened with ‘the good one’ who I referred to as the Italian after I dropped TGO! He was quite serious about it and felt it was derogatory. But to me it was just names I had used to refer to these guys in my blog so that they remained anonymous, like characters in a story. No offence intended, I am not wired like that.

And then Sunday night in yet another drunken stupor, yes I had been doing it alot as I needed ‘time out’, things have been very difficult and it has been hard to hold in there. I did see my beautiful eldest son the day before and it was amazing, it was the most ‘at peace’ I had felt for a long time but it was short relatively and when he had to leave it was so tough to wave goodbye. Every time I see him now I pray it wont be the last. But the disease is doing its best….

So, as I said…Sunday in a slight alcoholic haze I decided it was a good idea to talk to ‘the good one’…OK hand up..I am certifiable, I already admitted that! But he was as he always is, willing to chat and it almost seemed as though he may have missed me (in my head maybe!) but we flirted and had a lot of fun. That kind of chemistry is usually there with us that was never really a problem. And it was left in a nice way. We may remain friends and still catch up from time to time, I guess it is open. I had found over the week or so after I closed it off with him that the amount of pain I initially felt faded fairly quickly because my mind and heart had got so used to constant battering not just from him but after Joe in particular and yes some of the same dance with TGO that I finally was able to accept him just as he is. Only a friend. One that I cherish time with, but he is probably not my ‘forever after’ also as he said to me, ironic. It made me realise what I do want in a relationship, and none of these guys have it or can give it. They all have something special and unique, I joked with yank 2 that if I could take bits of all of them and roll that into the one person I would have my perfect man! He laughed at that!

The last couple of days I have been OK. I have been OK with myself. The realisation that that is the single most important thing moving forward. Being OK with me and just me. I think I may have weathered the emotional storm and side stepped what could have been a dive back into depression…now to get my strength back and re enter the real world…

Love and whitelight xx

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Much Ado…oh dear

Well, I finally lost the plot yesterday.  BIG TIME. Alcohol fuelled admittedly and mad as hell but I freakin lost it. I told my ex husband a few what for’s, especially about his not so nice wife who has managed to create so much damage in so many ways; breaking family connections etc through her extreme neuroticism and insecurity. My choice name for her is far too bad to publish here and not a word I would ever usually use because it is just a bad word…but I called her it several times much to his disgust. I DONT CARE and I needed to let it out.

He tried to interfere and complicate my seeing my sons; so I let him have it…all of it..I have always been a big supporter of him as a dad, I know he loves our boys but now they are older and with everything that has happened I could no longer hold back. Sometimes you just need to say what you have bottled up for years. No going back now.

At least, after the ado, the plans to see my sons today came back on track and I am so looking forward to seeing them…it fills my soul to have those two beautiful humans in my arms. And it has been far too long. It was one of the reasons I high tailed it back here apres merde hitting le fan! And losing my job. And then getting back here and losing the man I was kinda in love with. Just to get some time with my boys. And then  re-calibrate.

The days have passed and I know it really is over with yank 2. He hasn’t written, but neither have I.  Yesterday prior to the dummy spit at my ex husband I was having a few Margaritas and listening to some great music. Unfortunately in my alcoholic happy haze I purchased some songs off Itunes that related to our time together and thought I would remember the good things. I was missing him.

KC and the sunshine band, one night we were having a laugh as we did on our marathon skype sessions and he put a song he really liked on by KC; ‘get down tonight’ https://youtu.be/FpoI7vK4uvY ….and we danced..well..as much as we could listening to it and carrying on on skype. I loved that he just let loose in front of me, this lanky 6’3 but handsome man could show his vulnerable and sometimes childlike side to me.

Then I made the mistake of playing 2 others; Melodie Gardot’s ‘baby I’m a fool’..I put the video in one of my previous posts, and Tim Buckley’s wonderful ‘Strange Feelin’… https://youtu.be/loOzxap0YAc …he used to play that alot..sending it to me on skype.

Lost it then. Realised how much I did miss our conversations. We weren’t perfect, there were some bumps in the road, but we talked it through. He was able to do that. Not many men like to talk things through…that’s a feminine domain. God I miss that. And just talking about anything and everything that was infinitely more interesting than ‘Mrs Jone’s cat needing surgery for a bowel obstruction’…oh dear

Popular belief and past history tells me this can’t be resurrected. A relationship is like glass; once it shatters you can try to put it back together but it is never the same. For some silly reason today, sky grey and stormy, raining..I look out the window and imagine what it would be like to just talk to  him again. Crazy, silly, and wishful thinking.

I guess there will be days like these. He was the only man capable of making me completely forget about Joe. I could never work out how I managed to become so wrapped up in that man. The damage he caused with his psychological ministrations. But yank 2 more recently told me I had ‘alot of getting your shit together ‘to do. He was kinda right. And in the same breath he said ‘I am not rejecting you’, knowing how sensitive I still was from my past experiences. And even though that was a little ‘pot calling the kettle black’, we were both fools, but it kind of worked. Well it seemed that way for a while.

After being back here for a couple of weeks, I realise this is not the place for me. But right now I don’t know where is. I love Sydney, I guess I will go back once I sort a few things out here. Right now that would be hard, because I envisioned being there with Yank 2 in the future. I guess time will heal that.

Isn’t it sad. You know that people come into and out of your life, some stay, some go but what I still struggle with is the fact that sometimes the ones you want to stay, go, and  it leaves you feeling like there is something unfinished. I remember once after an argument where I blocked him on Skype he sent a message ‘until the next life’. He may be right.

Love and whitelight xx

Baby I’m a fool…serendipity, afraid not

A song appropriate for now….and then;

I kinda knew in my heart that things would not last. Or was it that I have become so cynical and jaded by my experiences that it was just a case of ‘self fulfilling prophecy’. It’s hard to tell. Relationships are the polar opposite to death and taxes…uncertain and unpredictable.

We were so close, so close. I had even booked my flights and felt so sure that within a couple of weeks we would finally see each other. Deja Vu. If Joe could read this…and it’s possible he can but being the narcissist he is he hasn’t given me another thought, but if he could he would be laughing his arse off at me..with glee.

I am a fool…as the song says..who thinks it’s cool to fall in love. No matter how many times I get hurt, I still believe that there is love there for me; the right one…for both of us.

He said to me a few days back “I think the timing is right for both of us” when he realised that we were both having such similar experiences right now it was uncanny..family time..he with the upcoming family wedding I was going to attend with him and his much loved brother being back in Chicago for a while and me after my storm which ironically then gave me the ability to be able to go see him after all; the upside of my recent downside.  And I thought he meant we were in some kind of serendipitous situation but now I realise he probably thought this was a good time for us to break up because we would both have the soft cushion of family around us.

He was a coward in some ways…he forced my hand and it worked, I jumped or maybe he just didn’t know how to tell me he himself wanted to jump. But he had accused me so many times after our recent bumps of letting go easily and in some ways he was right. I can’t stand pain anymore and yet it is what I am feeling again.

Once again I picked a man incapable of commitment and so inept at love, but that seems to be what I do. It is my comfort zone.  It is all I know and even though I know it, I find it so difficult to break that habit. Because this time I genuinely thought we had a chance. He was not or so I thought what I would usually go for. He was strange and quirky and oh so fascinatingly different, knowledgeable. We could talk for hours on end over our Skype sessions and were in sync about so many things and yet still had our differences.

I will miss our talks. I will miss him. Right now I cant imagine what it will be like to never speak to him again. I don’t want it to end. And yet. It is not under my control. Love is like that and I had grown to love him even without seeing him in person…only skype.

These next days will be painful and sad I know. I want to fight it and be so strong as many a time in this blog I have wrongly announced I was. But sadly I am not. And it seems that this time he has given up…maybe he was never really ‘there’ in the first place. I filled a void in his life and entertained him for a while and at present he has his family and all the attention he needs…until he goes back to his long lonely shifts on the road. He admitted to me once that he needed attention. He was able to show me his vulnerable side and open up to me. It is what made me fall for him. Most men won’t. He is not like most men…

It hurts. I am back there again….

to be continued…

 

Divine timing…realisations

It almost got me again. That thing. That slow spiral decent into the deep dark place where there seems to be no hope. Where all you want to do is shut the world out, close the curtains and stay in foetal position swathed in the only warmth you can find; that of shuteye and sleep in bed where nothing and no one can harm you. Where your mind can get some form of peace.

BUT IT DIDN’T. I skirted the edge of the precipice and this time avoided the dive into the abyss. I gave myself a few days of misery and self flagellation and somehow I lifted myself up and started to think of all the reasons why this apparent ‘end of the world’ situation was not actually the end of the world; IT WAS THE GIFT OF DIVINE TIMING…

I started several posts over the last month since I last posted in this blog only to save the draft with the intention of publishing later. And never did. It is over a month now that I last wrote and as I read back that post and know how much has happened since then I realise that no matter how much I wanted to control the future I just could not.

I lost my job last week. It came like a bolt out of the blue because I thought I was doing well. I was told that I could not perform at the level required of me because I had not acquired (expected through self education in my own time) over the last month or so on the job the ‘advanced excel skills’ required to do what she needed me to do; different than what I thought I was actually required to do when I was hired yet never discussed in the 10 minute interview (yes, she only talked to me for ten minutes and decided I was the one to hire),  which was a job I have nearly 10 years experience in. It simply wasn’t enough.

A cold slap in the career face which as per usual I immediately internalised. And my ‘partner’ of sorts, the yank  criticized me saying that I was a ‘field of red flags’ and that I must have been ‘let go’ for a reason…yes he judged without knowing the facts for which he later made a very heartfelt apology and referred to himself as an ‘asshole’ and having had a ‘bad case of hubris’. That is what I love about him, he has the capacity to admit when he is wrong, apologise and rectify. He also tells me things I do not want to hear that others wouldn’t and says ‘I am not rejecting you’ and sticks with us even when the distance and other factors seems to be against us and always asks me ‘just hang in there baby, it is worth it’. And he feels empathy..something that other narcissistic yanky arsehole could not. But I digress.

So not only had I lost my job which at my age (now 50) brings about an incredible level of self doubt and fear but the person who had not long before that told me ‘I love you babe’ was saying “wake up and smell the roses”. It was as if he was cutting me loose as well.

I was lost for a few days. Sad, hurt, fearful and all the old familiar feelings of pain and inadequacy came pouring through…and it was hard…

With some kind words from  friends, his renewed support and a bit of strength I had finally mustered I made another tough decision. Well, it wasn’t so tough when I flipped all the negative rubbish and took a real good look at things.

This was a gift from the universe, timing and the freedom to do some things I needed to do and sort that had been worrying me for some time.

I was loving it here in some ways, but the main elements were missing; my sons, first and foremost, my love, my friends and feeling really satisfied with what I was doing in my career. The timing for this move here was not right. It was too soon, with so much else that needed to be sorted before I took this leap. And it was brought to my attention in a fast and unexpected way. In my job, my boss had put the kibosh on my being able to go to the July wedding in the states that both Yank and I had been looking forward to attending ‘together’ and it would be our first time face to face after many and regular 2 day a week Skype dates often for hours on end, and constant emails and talking on the phone we would finally see each other. But no, she said no leave. It had saddened and disappointed me and even though he said he understood there was still times he would bring it up. One night he even asked me, just in case I could somehow go, my food preference at the wedding. We both chose the same dish.

My heart was not in this stay here; I was pining for my sons especially knowing that my eldest was now having more difficulty with his disease progressing again and even though when there I could not get to see him often not through want of trying but another trying situation there with my ex husband and his horrid nasty wife, it was was made me give up and fly out far too soon. So many elements were not in place.

Now, there is a very good chance I will make that July wedding in Chicago or very soon thereafter and see my love..he has leave from work so we can spend some real time together. I am flying home to Perth next week and I will see both of my sons poste haste and that makes my soul feel so so good, and I get to sort some things out that really should have been sorted prior to my leaving. And, I have also made some career decisions too. Something I should have done a long time ago, had I had more faith in the universe and more particularly….IN MYSELF.  Watch this space:)

Love and whitelight xxx

 

5 days to 50…

Thing have changed alot since I started this blog. This cathartic friend over a years journey of self exploration and recovery. In the first days being back from the States I was like an automaton going through the motions. It hadn’t quite hit me that the love I thought was going to be for life…what I had mistakenly considered to the be ‘the one’was not, not real, not worth the time and effort; that I had allowed myself to dream finally that elusive thing that many had managed to find and I had not in nearly 50 years…this…thing…

Love is the thing, they say. Why do we crave it. Why do we hold it up like the Holy Grail which holds all the promise and joy supposedly only to have amazing lows and crashes; burns and pain…what is this thing…LOVE?

I have rabbited on about lessons I have learned over this year. The journey through illness physical and mental, growth and supposedly emerging at times as if yes that’s it  I am finally where I am supposed to be…supposed to? Where am I supposed to be? I should be with my kids; no wait a moment, they are no longer kids they are grown and even though my eldest is ….I can’t bring myself to mention it again right now as the last couple of weeks have been difficult…some circumstances have changed and I worry for him everyday, I miss them both, my boys, everyday, but I have just finally found a good job, some freedom and time away from what I have always considered my prison…the city where I was born…I am spending some time on me. Why does it still not feel right? Like I am letting someone down.

I am 50 in 5 days time. I watch everyone else handle this passage with great happiness and a feeling that the best days of their lives are here and me, I am still the same tortured soul I have been for a most of my life. Things just don’t seem to hit the mark, ever. The only times I can categorically say I am in bliss is when I have my sons in my presence and I am able to put my arms around them, love them and feel proud about the one thing in life I have done right. Had those two beautiful souls.

I have managed to almost sabotage another chance at love through my ridiculous insecurity. Only after some deep thought a couple of days ago did I realise that I am still reeling from not only the crushing hurt I felt at Joe and I not making it but also all the ridiculous relationships with the male species throughout my life and I judge everything still by those tragedies. I can’t seem to let myself just enjoy the experience and take it for what it is. Nothing in life is guaranteed except death and taxes as they say and yet I expect a guarantee now that I won’t get hurt, that this will last…am I really that wounded? I thought I had ‘got over it’. That is what most would say to me, it seems to be the catchcry of the so called successful human these days “just get over it””toughen up”…I am woman hear me roar…

5 days in which I am expecting that magic bullet…that wondrous feeling that oh yes I am finally about to embark on my best years….expecting, expectation, that’s it isn’t it I have expectations and I should know better.

To kind of paraphrase one of my favourite  authors Charles Bukowski; ‘ I am like a Rose that has never bothered to bloom when I should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting’

Am I actually in a kind of depression again?  I am unmedicated now; things rarely give me any joy or excitement; get my heart pumping and racing…is that another expectation? I am bored with the mundaneness of it all…. I am reading this back and it sounds incredibly dark and negative. It is as if I don’t know how be happy at times…has the sum total of all things I have been through finally jaded me. Oh I will pick up for a moment or two here and there; but just in general at present I can’t see a great deal of light. I ask myself ‘what is the point in all this?’.

I’ve spent alot of time looking back today; that, I guess is a mistake. We can not do anything about the past and we have little control over tomorrow…why can’t I be happy today. I am grateful for many things. Grateful for life itself. I feel bad about my feelings and often negative outlook. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day.

I miss my yank today. I know we will Skype date tomorrow evening as per usual and for the two days we do I will feel somewhat happy. He has a way of putting things into a simple perspective but says it in a profound way. He is quirky, funny, smart but almost childlike at times. He is handsome. Not what I would normally consider my type but maybe that is why this may just work, because he is not the ‘type’ I am used to. And he has become incredibly handsome to me. You know that moment when you realise that all of a sudden this person you are looking at makes you feel this wondrous feeling..a kind of awe…you look and start to appreciate every last detail; their eyes, their face, the marvelous way the lip curls as they express something, the beautiful smile….yes maybe I have found that elusive thing after all…time will tell..

Love and whitlelight xxx

 

To medicate or not to medicate?

Like the sands through the hour glass….I sit this morning and hear the clock ticking in the hall. I sit on my bed laptop on lap…reading, contemplating. I was enjoying the peace until some twat burned down the road in his …yes…a Holden Commodore…souped up..and disturbed my inner peace which lately has been hanging by a thread anyway…and my eardrums. It is only 0930am and this idiot and his phallic rev has managed to annoy me.

I am annoyed alot lately, annoyed alot and I cry alot.

Only the other day I was at the Doctor, finally back at my regular Doctor whom I quite respected, because I could finally afford her. After a half hour visit about a few health issues and an $145 bill I came out of there with the obligatory 3 prescriptions of which only one I filled and I still have not taken the meds yet.

She has decided that since she could not cajole me into taking antidepressants again the only option for my physical and mental state was to take Hormone replacement therapy and she also threw in a script for a sedative and then an antibiotic for a lung issue I thought had cleared but apparently hasn’t after 2 lots of antibiotic anyway. I filled the antibiotic but I haven’t taken it. And there is no way I will fill the script for sedative and HRT until I am really sure it is a road I need to go down. I want to know the side effects; there is always a risk/reward ratio and if there simply is no other way to deal with everything that has been battering my troubled mind lately.

Exercise worked exceptionally well up until recently when I have not been able to get to the gym because of work…long hours and long commute which seems at present to make it impossible to get there and I am very annoyed at that because I know it would help some. I am going to go today a bit later.

I already tried to resign from my new job twice last week. 5 weeks in and the stress was mounting, the ridiculous hours; unpaid, underpaid and overlooked. Rude and unreasonable clientele and I did not want to be back in a bad situation again…after everything life is too short to be a battery hen. But they have managed to talk me out of it for now; god knows why and I will persist a while longer because at this point the alternative…no work is also untenable..but it is a horrible feeling waking up with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing what the day has in store for you and not wanting to go there but having to.

I was ready, prepared to fire on all cylinders so I thought. But issues like my ailing degenerative son and other things that I have mentioned before compounded by a job that is relentless have pushed me about as far I can go at this point. But I am sick of feeling this way and this weekend I have tried to do things that are enjoyable and relaxing, extra sleep because at present I do not sleep well and staying connected with people who are decent, and compassionate and I can talk to.

My yank; mark 2 has been a godsend. We are still just having friendly conversations but it is daily now. And they are fun and without pressure or expectation and light. We seem to have alot of common ground. He is cultured, witty, intelligent and appears to be quite sane as opposed to version 1!

He was telling me that he is going to an Oscar’s party Sunday night in Chicago..he hangs out with the bohemian arty types as he is also very creative and has been involved in some interesting projects and things and I envied that in wonderful places like Chicago, and the the states you can do those things; the people, the venues, the events the options….ah yes, options…

Perth is limited that way. As much as this is a beautiful city and things are improving it still has a hell of a way to go. Cue crickets  and prickly bushes….and nothing…

It is not surprising that many who live here and are able to high tail it out of the country at every chance they get! Many Perthites go to Bali, it is cheap, cheaper than here and many feel at home there. It is enough of a cultural experience for the uncultured…

I am perhaps exaggerating a tad but I have never felt the spirit in this city as I have many others like Sydney and particularly in the states. But I don’t think may places can beat our beaches, that I will say.

Every time I think about my options at present I drift away to the things I want to do knowing that it is impossible right now. I may take a trip to the states later this year as I have discussed with my friend. And also one of my dear friends is leaving Perth for good soon and moving with her husband to Seattle in the US and I so envy her and I am going to miss her. So I will kill 2 birds on that visit and it at least gives me a little something to look forward to.

But in the meantime…the mire…to medicate or not to medicate…I fought so hard to do without and have done so for over 18 months now. I really do not want to go there…even HRT. But I really wish someone could give me some good reliable advice on it…

Ultimately…I guess I will go with my gut. That thing I did not trust for so long but more recently started to pay attention to…we’ll see

Love and whitelight xxx

Things do happen for a reason…

Yesterday on my way into the city for meetings and interview, even as the train broke down I sat in relative peace…felt peaceful because it hit me; even though we don’t always agree with what happens and things hurt us and are generally difficult or even ridiculous, after a while you realise that they occurred for a reason.

It may not have been part of your grand plan. May not have been what you expected, but as things unfold you get A HA moments and in that moment you know there really is a higher power (in whatever form you believe in) working behind the scenes.

I am starting to get more of the A ha moments; a learning and realisation. I love that feeling, when it does come to you and you smile to yourself with a knowing, a contentment.

Life is by no means easy right now, not alot has changed but things are moving and I am becoming acutely aware of things I never used to pay attention to. I now find myself realising the incredible waste of focusing on the past and looking too far into the future because in that you lose today. And that is something you can never get back once its is gone.

The experience with the men I have dated lately (bar one who showed me how a man can behave respectfully and he is still my friend), each time I have come to a greater acceptance that it is better to be alone than with someone who disrespects or abuses you or really only thinks about themselves. I want a relationship but I don’t need it.  I know what I deserve and I would treat my partner with love and respect, I would do anything; for the right person. It needs to be mutual. And they have made me realise how my pining for Joe over all these months (even writing to him at times still) was a ridiculous waste of time because even if he did come back, he was not the person I thought I knew and loved and he would never change and never be able to give me what I deserve; real love and respect, kindness and care and friendship. It is like the universe kept giving me the same kind of men and saying ‘learn the lesson. Toughen up, be wise and do what is right for you’ and at the same time it finally hit me that even though I was madly in love with him and thought he was different, Joe was those kinds of men but even more extreme and wrong.

I remember Joe (the yank narcissist) used to say; “I know how to treat a good woman”, “I want a relationship where you do everything together and have each others back no matter what” (I came to realise what the ‘no matter what’ entailed!) but with all of his mantras he was only prepared to be with someone that did things his way, acquiesced to his needs and desires, under his complete control, a woman who didn’t have a mind of her own and was happy to say “yes Joe, no Joe, how far do you want me to bend over the cliff Joe?” Anyway, that is done. I did in a drunken stupor text him very recently but now I am really done. I guess I will refer to him now and then, what happened with him was a great leveller, it broke me down, made me go in and deep, searching me and why things in my life were as they were, I questioned…stripped down to bare and dealed.  It has taken many months to rebuild and open my eyes.

But they are wide open now.

I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.  Even though the interview I had yesterday with a wonderful international company; which was  teleconferenced with a Manager overseas and here in Australia seemed to go well something tells me I may not have got the job..something is not quite sitting right inside of me..I am feeling things more intuitively lately, except when I have a glass or two of wine or a Dirty martini! But that is OK, there are other options coming forward from the other meetings I had and I feel a strong pull that all of a sudden the right position will just open up. That timing is a part of it considering other factors in my life like my son and getting to spend precious time with him before I lose him. things seem to be occurring to some weird timetable…I know that may sound slightly crazy..but it seems like it…

I have been off  antidepressant medication now for 16 months and in that time I have gone through so much including another depression but this was different and there was a reason behind it and now I look back and know the likelihood of it ever happening again is very minimal because of what I have learned and worked through this time, this one was meant to be. I know I will experience profound sadness but there is difference between depression and sadness and I know I now have tools to deal that I never had before. I know myself finally. I really like me now…finally. It took nearly 50 years!:)

Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

When you’re feeling stuck…the one trick pony..

I’m about to have a brain explosion. I had a bit of a conniption the other night after copious amounts of Dry Dirty Martini, boredom and had a tirade on Facebook. Luckily most of my FB friends are loyal and I think mainly understand where I come from when I do that but then again Facebook these days seems a bit like a lonely wasteland…cue dried prickle bushes blowing in the dusty Arizona desert…or crickets!

I’ve spent all morning on my laptop applying for jobs not just in Perth (Cue crickets again!!) but also in Sydney, yes I have decided that if nothing comes up pronto I will move back East as there are far more opportunities over there and I am going to work on my Biz idea in my spare time as I am still trying to refine and fill a few knowledge gaps. I need an income and there is no way you can survive on welfare here (don’t want it anyway, won’t do that!)

I know I need to be patient, I have only just become well again after a killer depression and an almost PTSD from the Narcissist (sounds extreme but apparently you can develop a form of it from narcissistic injury and I had years of it from my dad too so I came to realise that the obsessive return memories  were part of that and I had to work my arse off to get to a point where they do not haunt me anymore.)  Mum is finally getting better and needing my help less, my son’s illness is always on my mind but I can’t sit and wait for things to just occur. I need to make them happen. Life is too short to sit like a waiting duck……can’t do it anymore..this life has thrown me far too many curve balls, it’s time I start hitting them out of the park!

Sometimes when things seem to be going nowhere it’s hard not to sink into despair. Some of the issues in my life, the derailments stem from things that have been completely out of my control. But there are some things I can.

Right now Perth’s jobs market is bad. The city, is one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it’s heavy reliance on the resource industry makes it a one trick pony. As soon as Mining and resources goes south, as it has now, everything else does. So we alternate between boom and bust but the cost of living pretty much remains on boom because people are greedy here and have no idea about economics. And many then wonder why alot of businesses go bust, unemployment becomes rife and so does dissatisfaction about life here in general. I hate it. But my anchor here has always been my sons, it is so hard to stay here in ridiculously difficult circumstances because you love your kids yet also try make a good life for yourself with a decent job and an affordable place to live and some semblance of a social life. This city is so sprawled it is impossible to catch up with people regularly. Which only adds to the sense of isolation.

Then I struggle with the things I SHOULD do as opposed to the things I want to do, for me, to keep me upright and engaged in life….so after a struggle with that I made the decision to become unstuck by whatever method I must.

Sometimes there is good reason why you seem constantly in reactive mode rather than proactive. You feel overwhelmed and paralysed. You get stuck in fear, negativity and worry and you feel like ‘if only’, if only one thing would change..some chance or opportunity things would become so much better. But the only way you can combat that is to create your own change if it is not happening itself.

I can’t change the events that have occurred it is the past and obsessing too far into the future is a debilitating waste of time. But I can take steps in the now. Focus on what I want and need for my sanity, health and well being. Time to ‘get away from the funk’ .

the arbitrary left of centre…what is this BS?!

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It’s been a while since I have written and probably a good thing. There has been a myriad of shit running in my head and mind AND life. Isn’t there always something? I got to a point yesterday again where I felt..ohh shit WHY AM I HERE? Yes it happens still. But less frequently, and I have had many good good days. Isn’t life like that? Up and down. Isn’t that normal?

I am quite inebriated right now, I watched my beloved AFL (Aussie rules football team) get their arse kicked royally today…sadly..BUT at least they got there, to the GF (the Grand final). And they did try but I think we were just too West Australian.

It was almost compensatory in some weird way, it made me happy for a small window of time and made me proud of my city and where I live currently and was born. Aside from that I would prefer not to be here…living in Perth that is.

It’s expensive, parochial, the people, well alot of them, seem to think we are a very special species, exceedingly good at everything, financially secure (at least via credit card and inflated asset values!), smart, gorgeous…there is just a damned attitude here. But I guess when you are the most isolated and admittedly one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you can kind of understand it. The people I used to know, I don’t seem to hold to any commonalities with anymore. It’s not sad, it just is. I just can’t see things the way they do. And that will isolate me more.

I have, as written previously just come out of a difficult time. But it is nowhere near as difficult as others out there. Unfortunately I have found myself feeling ‘stuck’. I now feel stronger and more able to move forward and yet I look around at what is out there…in this vicinity.. and I say to myself…really?

With the change I went through, my psych said “you have pretty much stripped back everything you have known for many years, everything”

It’s true, I feel that. I did recently, out of complete boredom and frustration and slight drunkenness, email and call and leave a message with the narcissist I was in love with. I still see him constantly in my mind. Is that why the medical profession prefer us to take medication? How else do we handle the ridiculous psychological torture from a person that rocks our world so profoundly that we find it hard to see a life without them even thoughw e know they are completely wrong for us and will not give us, are not capable of giving us or any other human being what could be construed as a normal and loving, caring  relationship? Even if they have managed to inseminate someone and produce satanic spawn, not of the poor child’s doing but the very act of producing from two obviously intensely flawed individuals..ie like my parents…egads…what hope has the world?

I am waffling. I know it. And I fully intended to NOT ever write this blog again. It has too many memories of things that I have ‘let go’ or maybe not quite. Originally my intentions were good with this blog, and it did help, but now?

As I keep reading, there seems to be a barrage of good advice and intention to help the world by bloggers everywhere. And that is a good thing too, yet, I still feel substance lacking…maybe its just me.

Anyway, I need to end this right now, I just want to listen to some good music and feel somewhat happy and immersed in ‘culture’, poetry, beauty…for a little while. Or what I can here and in this moment. I have been out alot lately which is a change for me considering my months of relative isolation, depression etc, but it seems to do not alot for me…what? Do I do?

Look within..sometimes not the best place to be..serendipities..

In a half sleep in the early hours of this morning, after coughing and spluttering, I heard my little bell go off. The little bell sound on my smartphone which indicates I have email on one of my accounts. These days it is all wordpress, and I am thankful for that, it tells me about the marvelous people who have taken the time to read my waffle and other things, but that bell used to tell me ‘he’ had written again and it took me ages before my heart would stop reverberating in my chest at that sound, anticipation…excited it was him.

Finally, I no longer feel those sensations and response that had become diligent and in it’s own way a ‘little bell’. The body and in particular the brain is so amazing. How it adapts, new neural pathways develop constantly, our responses like fight and flight, it’s ability to regenerate after onslaught, mind boggling.

I am still only a quarter of the way through Susan Anderson’s 2 books, I keep falling asleep after reading for a while because of this damned flu, but the more I go into them the more I say ‘AHA!’. Sometimes you are drawn to the things you need by coincidence or little serendipities that somehow take you there, little happenstances.  I came across her writing by reading blogs. As often happens you read and then you see a link or an honorable mention and you click on it and things just unfold there before you. What an amazing time we live in, worldwide access to information instantly.

We can be more connected than ever and yet there is also a huge disconnect in some ways as we sit eyes focused on our screens. It’s at times mesmerizing, yet isolating. We need to be connected as human beings, we need our clan to provide all the moral, physiological, safety and belonging, love and support.

Often when you are recovering from a broken heart or other relationship breakdown people will say you need time to heal, space and time to look within find who you are and love and nurture yourself.

But I have found that we too often end up turning ON ourselves and internalizing, we blame ourselves for the breakup or why failures in our connections have happened; why did this person not find me worthy of loving, why didn’t I just do more, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be with me, I should have handled things better, should have tried harder…it goes on.

Self esteem, self worth? Yes, but often it’s more than that. We operate out of learned responses from life, like an automaton we react according to the storage of experiences we have consciously and subconsciously and we do what we know and are familiar with and if that comes from a place of many wounds there are layers and layers of data in our brain and body that makes us react to any circumstance that may create more wounds often exacerbating what we are trying to avoid in the first place. Self defeat, self sabotage.

I don’t know if this makes sense to others reading this but it does to me. After what I have just experienced I need to grow and learn and change somewhat (not everything, I have come to like certain things about myself, finally). I know I need a comprehensive approach to lessen the sting and heal the wounds I have carried for my lifetime so far. Re build those pathways, learn new good habits and responses be aware of my ‘triggers’ for depression, be aware as I take on new connections in my life and stop turning inwards on myself and isolating.

I have missed so many wonderful things because they have coincided with a period of depression or I have not had the courage to follow through because of my mind and body’s learned responses. For example flight..I have walked away from good relationships because I’ve felt inevitably it could never work and they would leave me so I’d better leave them first. I truly feel that some of my depressions have been triggered by the inability to cope with what I feel is the inevitably that I will be left on my own again so I go inward and eventually my lack of self worth envelopes me and I no longer feel of use to this world.

I guess I am over simplifying to an extent, but as my mind starts to recharge and I gain more clarity as the days go on I see so much more than I have seen before and I can chose to work with it or go back into auto mode back into the way things were ready for another bout when it happens.

I am grateful for the lessons learned this time around, it was worth the pain.

Tomorrow I meet with my boss about a possible return to work.  I am no longer fearful of going out there and doing that, I am looking forward to it even though I know it will not be a long term prospect. When my contract ends I will hopefully be ready to go it alone from a work perspective, doing what I really want to rather than have to, we shall see.

Days gone by for women my age there would not have been as many options as there are today. Our only limit is ourselves and I’m seriously working on that! Then I am going to the Doctor because I think I may unfortunately need antibiotics to clear up this horrible yuk I am experiencing with this flu as it is not clearing, and nowadays to me any medication is a very last resort. Our minds and bodies are marvelous vehicles that can do incredible things if we treat them right, with respect and kindness.

I have been reading some of the wonderful blogs out there and it has made me realise the amount of talent there is and how much I don’t know about digital publishing and writing but I am coming to really love it and want to learn more. Many are so creative, beautiful poetry and prose, exquisitely produced graphics, photos and written word, it is a joy. And those that are just sharing their stories of survival and moving forward, care for others, inspirational. We can learn so much from each other.

I want to go for a run outside in the sunshine but physically that is impossible right now…arrgghh..mind and body; respect and kindness to equals better health and more smiles!…..Patience grasshopper….:)