I need a lobotomy….or a good stiff..drink..diary of a madwoman…

Finally the damned flu that floored me for what feels like two weeks…can’t be bothered counting, is going. I’ve been holed up in my psycho prison again and just when I thought everything was getting better and I was moving forward my brain has latched on to the one thing I should totally forget…for posterity…forever.

I’ve avoided writing because I felt it would go within a day or so I believed it would.  I am being light about it at present but I feel a despair about why I can not seem to let this thing go for any semblance of time. Why all of a sudden am I back thinking constantly about him, wanting so desperately to hear from him, wondering how he is. IT IS PATHETIC. It is soul destroying and I feel like I am losing my mind.

What made it infinitely worse is that I wrote to him, after managing no contact for a reasonable period of time. It has been four months since he wrote to me and since I left him. The catalyst who brought me to my knees, physically and psychologically, what did I expect; a declaration of undying love and an apology for the pain and suffering caused.

I am considering self admittance to a psych ward at the very least or a partial lobotomy…but fuck it maybe I will have to settle for a good stiff drink….

I can have a good…stiff….the younger man I have just started to see now and then is wanting to catch up. I don’t want him right now I want ‘HIM’ but the ironic thing is I know he could not give me what I hold as a fantasy in my brain…he is just not capable on so many levels. Loving him is painful.  I have seen it first hand…experienced it. What is this that is going on in my head?

How can there be so many good steps forward and then a million back? Why did I ever look back in his direction over a year ago….why did I? Why did he? And what is it about him that I can’t let go of…..I’m losing it…..it hurts…

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Through the looking glass…things are not always as they seem…

As per usual I am finding that my patience with this flu is non existent, I hate being sick, it is a colossal waste of time. If I have to be horizontal it needs to be for the right reasons! I’m sounding like a man, they usually are ten times more whiny when they have flu or some other affliction..haha.

So what do you do when you are forced into lock-down when you have only just started to re-engage in life? Aside from sleep which is a necessary side effect of this blasted thing, you read. Well I do because daytime television sucks, there is only so much Dr Phil and mid day movie you can watch before you become even more depressed. I shouldn’t joke, depression is a serious thing, I’ve just had a guts-full of it.

So I picked up the second of a number of books I’m reading concurrently, two of which are by Susan Anderson; “The journey from abandonment to healing” and “Taming your outer child”.. She is an American Psychotherapist with over 30 years clinical and groundbreaking research experience in helping people overcome abandonment and the subsequent patterns of self sabotage.

You see, I have come to realise that whilst for many years I saw myself as a victim, the flow on effect of all the shite that happened within my life (and if you have read some of my old posts you will know what I have alluded to and some of it is pretty shitty but not detailed in public) was often due to choices I made such as the partners I chose to accept into my life often extremely poor choices that had the inevitable heartbreaking end whether due to mine or their actions. Depression and all the accompanying rubbish can be as a result of many things including heartbreak, a trigger.

Heartache after a breakup is normal you say, well, yes it is. It is part of life experience that most will come across at some stage of their lives. And as Susan A says it is not all bad. We can see it as an opportunity for growth and change. Each experience makes an imprint on us and it is how we react and what we do with it that matters. I have never handled it well.

The sum total of my many years of depression, abuse experiences and just sheer crap is what lead me to believe there had to be some other way of looking and responding to all this, why I can’t seem to function like most people or so it seems, and this time the overwhelming desire to weed out the rubbish once and for all, deal, learn and try to make what ever changes necessary to my life in order that the remainder of my life is not an unholy mess but an enjoyable experience, as best as it can be. Simply put, I truly have had enough of the shit. The past must remain the past and no longer affect my future.

I want to know why there are patterns that have repeated throughout my life including the depressive cycles and what I can do to break them. I want to help myself by using whatever resources there are available to me (except medication, been there done that, does not work for me). No offence to the psychologists here in Australia but I am almost certain there is a severe lack of knowledge, research and training into the myriad of mental illnesses out there growing in prevalence and occurrence. There is NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL. I have said this before and it is a source of frustration for me, our government has not the capacity to realise that if we don’t deal with these issues (lack of knowledge, training and funding for mental health) it will become a crisis of epic proportions in time…if we do not have our sanity it effects our health and productivity and we then have nothing.

Anyway, off my soapbox. I digress, but this means alot to me. There are many people suffering out there, alot in silence and very much alone. It is incredibly sad. But I need to fix myself before I can help others.

So my take on this is to read the extraordinary wealth of experiences, research and theories we have access to via the internet and in print and take from each what resonates with my own set of circumstances, become aware of and try to apply what works, for me.

When I looked at the ‘what is abandonment’ list,  it is not always as it seems at face value and the examples are many and varied of our everyday life experiences but she describes  it as ” a wound at the heart of human experience”…a wound.  It is something that we bring into the way we handle things including a broken heart and how we recover from it. The most basic example is the birth process where we are all of a sudden wrenched out of a safe, warm, familiar, connected and encompassing environment into one filled with bright lights, noise, cold and foreign touch, for a time disconnected from the source of warmth and safety and that is just the start of our human experience.

It is impossible to really impart the wisdom she shares but I have to say it makes so much logical sense I only wish I had come across her books sooner. She offers some tools to use going forward but like anything you must put the work in and not expect a magic pill to fix you.  A New York Times best selling author John Bradshaw describes her work as “An enormous help to anyone looking to let go of past disappointments and self recrimination and get on with the essential work of healing, building boundaries, and acquiring the skill to reach your goals”.

Things through the looking glass are not always as they seem. I feel better right now, aside from this damned flu, better than I have in many months.

I did think of Joe when I woke this morning, first time in a while because for many months he was my first thought when I woke and my last at night. It was a very difficult thought habit to break.  I’m not sure why, I still sometimes wonder what the purpose of us reconnecting after 30 odd years was, and why did things happen the way they did. I guess that will always be there somewhere. I let it come when it does and then let it flow right out again and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I recognise in me the need to try fix things, my relationships etc and that stems from childhood issues. But I have realised you can not fix that that does not want to be fixed. You can not control other people, you can only work on healing and loving yourself. And you should because you are well worth it irrespective of other’s opinions.

Ohhh damn, I need to have a really good cough up….YUK

Another day in this strange place….It’s not one size fits all…

It was hard to wake this morning again. I kept waking in the night and all the bullshit was going on in my head. That’s just it, it’s all in my head. Like a consistent set of newsreels playing the same stories over and over again. Believe me if I could find the off button I would switch the bloody things off.

I had to go to the Doctor on Monday and that was hard. Being out in public is hard right now. I had a conversation someone whom I kinda know (she runs a coffee shop next to the doctor, which was thankfully empty whilst I had to kill time before my appointment) say to me “you just have to be strong, forget about it all and go on with your life” and I replied “don’t you think if I was able to, if it was that easy I would have done it by now?”. She said “I know it isn’t easy, you just have to do it”.

Again…if I could do it I would have bloody well done it by now…I am not making this shit up for the fun of it….for attention and entertainment feeling so sorry for myself as some have put it.

Hence, the continuous struggle when you are in depression…people just DO NOT GET IT…Many have no ability( nor patience or compassion to) to understand the world from a depressed persons perspective. They think in simple terms of black and white, just snap out of it you will be fine…its another reason I isolate. There is no point being around people with their eyes closed. I have no energy as it is let alone feel what little there is being sapped by these positive thinking normal vampires. I get angry and sad and then feel hopeless again. Then I realise it is impossible for people to understand what they have not experienced.

I read and see other peoples struggles, I realise I am not the only one at pain central and if anything my woes are nothing compared to more extreme cases. Last night I saw the end part of a show on how there is a severe lack of services and particularly expertise for the growing mental health crisis here in Australia and in particular the show talked about Service people; Army, Navy, Airforce who come back from active service in the middle east and how they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and they are put into a one size fits all course to try overcome it but it doesn’t work that way, they have been traumatised by a different set of circumstances and the one size fits all in no way covers their needs.

I know, I am highly aware my situation is nowhere near their experience and I hurt for them too (I am horrified at the thought of what they would have endured and experienced but I am sure it is never the same as being there in their shoes at that time)…I understand (to the extent that  I can) their pain even though mine is not caused by the same circumstances it is pain nevertheless.

This is not a competition about who feels worse or is more ill. It is what it is. Sometimes I think this is why some just let go. They feel inadequate, they feel weak and they feel they are just in the way and that everyone is better off without them around, on this earth.

I am in tears again now as I write. That horrible feeling in my gut. I feel it. It is exhausting. I am in a very strange place after all these months.

I needed to write today. I felt a slight release after I wrote yesterday. At times this blog has been a good help, like a journal. There have been some wonderful people following me and liking my posts, they themselves have incredible stories of their own and often I am amazed at their strength and courage, their humanity. Their ability to move on from truly awful situations. I am grateful for them. It helps. I did not start this blog for anything other than catharsis and experience. But I am grateful for them. It is impossible to keep up with it all. I take one day at a time now, at this point.

Right now I need to sleep. I feel tired. I need to shut down my mind for a while..

Where’s my psych when I need her?

I’m not sure what happened but the last day or so I have gone slightly backwards again. Actually, I do know, I took a chance to do something I enjoy and have 5 seconds of peace from my mind by having some wine and listening to music and ended up drinking far too much of the bottle, bringing up thoughts of someone who was just starting to leave my troubled mind and I’ve effectively taken the steps back.

I remember as I did it thinking I won’t feel that way because I have made incredible inroads out of my black hole, dealing with things and felt quite confident that I could partake without going down that road. He had began to not matter as much. Nearly 3 months its been.

I was wrong. I know I mustn’t beat myself up and I have spent far too much time back trying to analyse why I would want to make contact with him again. There is sometimes still, this overwhelming feeling that there needs to be a ‘do over’, that somehow it was all a bad dream and the good stuff is coming! What if he really isn’t a Narc and just completely misunderstood, it’s all some terrible mistake.

Why can’t I recognise that there is a difference between what my fantasy or what I thought he was and we could be and what the reality is.

I remember when I was with him nothing was even remotely as I expected. Even his kiss. He could not kiss (that in itself was strange because I thought I had remembered when I was 16 he was the most amazing kisser, but I was 16). His tongue seemed liked a lizards poking in and out with such frantic-ness (no technique) I remember pulling my head back for a second my mind saying “wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting that”. It was a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) in the episode where she has what she called “Jack Rabbit sex”, where the guy humorously bangs away like he’s jack hammering the sidewalk, her head pummeling against the bedhead and the next day she can’t walk properly and her neck is practically paralyzed. And then he has the audacity to say to her when she tries to nicely say lets just leave it at that; “If I knew you were going to use me for sex I wouldn’t have ‘made love’ to you like I did”. It’s hilarious.

And now when I think about it, there were so many other things that just made no sense whatsoever. Although there were certain things I expected and was right about too. Sadly. Why the analytics still? Why can’t I just let it go? It almost feels as if there is some kind of strange ‘something’ that sits in my heart that belongs only to him. That there will never be another for me even though I know he and I aren’t meant to be in this life. It’s madness, utter madness.

Maybe that is it. Even though I have gone through much, that I needed to deal with from a psychological perspective…stuff that can stay with you you’re entire life if you let it (stuff outside of this him and I situation), my mind is still trying to sort the wheat from the chaff, compartmentalise then deal. I am so much better but there is still some way to go.

I need my psych right now, she has a way of facilitating reality in my thoughts. Some days I just can’t do it on my own, still.

I wish he would just explain to me why he said one thing and did the other. Or that we could have parted in a nicer way. I keep thinking friendship in tact, but he was never really truly my friend even.

I keep thinking that he is himself psychologically damaged and that no one will realise it nor he and that he will never get the help he needs. I want to help him, I hate the thought that he will end up on his own, no support. Crazy I know, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. It is not up to me and why should I want to. And maybe I’m just wrong about it all?

So many people look at you when you are mentally unwell and say you look alright, you look fine. But that’s just it. The illness is on the inside it doesn’t always blatantly show on the outer. Some of the most ill have adapted so well that you will never see what is really going on unless you have either been unwell yourself and know the signs or there is a very well trained and capable eye looking at you.

I’m sick of seeing these numbered lists telling you “so many ways to be the perfect person”, follow these ’10 ways to’ and your life will miraculously be magical. This morning, a well known website posted “10 ways to know your are uber smart” written by a a young girl who may possibly be quite smart but by virtue of the fact that she is barely in her 20’s with little life experience how could she possibly know these 10 ways for sure?

The internet has become a quagmire of self help gurus, they are a dime a dozen, everyone’s an expert. This is why I only write about my own experience and try not to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I am showing that I am an extremely flawed individual still finding my way along the path of life.

I’m nearly 50 and I know that I am only scratching the surface of what it is possible to know. It seems the more I learn the more bloody questions I have! …….straitjacket again pleasssse….

Homework…the inventory…being real..the cost of mental illness…

My curtain is open this morning, the sun is shining even though it is cold, around 4 degrees celsius at present (9am) which is reasonably cold for Perth as our winters are nowhere near the winters of many other places.

I woke and for the first time in a few days I felt no pain, less fog and I managed to stop my brain from ruminating as much as it has been. I thought of Joe (it has always been one of the first in the chaos of my mind) and then I said to myself “I notice that I am having thoughts about Joe and that’s OK” and then he slipped back out again, no tug at the heart this time…nothing. My psych told me when I have any of these obtrusive thoughts to do that; notice and acknowledge in my mind that they are just thoughts. It brings you to the present, it makes the mind aware that they really are just thoughts and thoughts can not hurt you unless you allow them to. You need to keep it up thought defusion, it takes time and effort if your a bit of a case!!

It sounds very basic in premise but when you have difficulty with thought processes of the mind you must bring things back to basics. Part of the re-wiring process, and it is a process.

This is what is taking time. I do recognise it on clearer days like today. Yesterday and days before were dark and now today there is some light. Oh please let that be from now on…

What happened to get to here today? Work. Homework and self healing. Giving myself some patience and understanding instead of frustration and self loathing. And maybe something else but I don’t know what…

My psych homework was to do an inventory. Part of a 12 step process that is usually reserved for alcoholics  and drug addicts in their recovery programs but the inventory (4th step) is also used by psychs for other types of mental processing that involve resentment and fear which can totally debilitate you. After half a day of mental hell yesterday I picked up the paperwork and forced myself to work through it…I had been avoiding it for some inexplicable reason.

My resentment list was long and no prizes for guessing who were the first few at the top!  It gets you to list as many things as you can muster your mind to recall and when you are in fog and misery it is tough to do (it can even include employers, colleagues, teachers, organisations you have dealt with, it is very comprehensive and at times you feel like…is this for real? But they ask you to just include everything no matter how big or small).

But I am so glad I did it. It did not feel good at the time..the process took a fair while, there are many components and you have to be at a place where you are completely honest with yourself about your part in it all as well….that is more difficult than listing the people you resent and what they did to you. But I am going to do this. I am going to clear this shit out if it kills me, I can not live my life this way anymore. I will not. As the Dalai Lama says ‘everyone deserves happiness’..even if happiness is also a questionable concept in itself!

Days like today I feel not only that I want to help myself, I also feel sorry for people like Joe and my father and mother and others that are part of the Narc spectrum. You can’t help but wonder about how they got there. That they live in a world of their own making now but what caused them to become as they are. To be able to cause so much damage without feeling empathy or care. Or do they have their own personal hell? You don’t want to tar everyone with the brush of Narcissism and it is on a spectrum as are many mental illnesses including depression and then there are other associated forms of devastation and abuse.

Even though it has had its effect on me I find that I am completely fascinated by how we are all very aware of things that are blatant; obvious signs like bruises and injuries from physical assault but we are nowhere near able to really recognise the plight of many who live in the realm of psychological abuse because it is so silent, unknown, insidious and extremely pervasive.

In reading about it and reading other peoples experience of it I have learned so much, the awareness does alot to help understand what it is that you are dealing with. But there is not enough awareness for many out there and it is not recognised formally as a mental illness that needs to be dealt with in a formal way. Many Narcs will never get help, it is part of the illness itself.  It will not allow recognition and therefore survives unfettered, but it creates more of the same over time.

Humans tend to believe in what they see only, hence the rise of the selfie, the power and ridiculous wealth gained by people like the Kardashians and other famous nobodies who become somebodies, the invasion of the internet has done much to create an army of human robots who depend so much on the visual that they forget to to really think and properly process.

I guess this is the reason why mental illness is massively prevalent and increasing as the years go on at a very high cost in every way yet remains low in priority.

Anyway once again I am thinking of running before I walk, deal with real Roz, deal with you and then deal with the rest.

I am not writing well still, not arranging thoughts properly and grammatically..my god… but at least I am writing and it helps…another good day:)

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