Life, beyond, him…why am I female?

I was going to cease and desist. My blog. And it’s been 3 months since I have written.

Alot has happened. Alot has not changed.

Buggered if I know how to publish this without the reach of Facebook. I have recently deactivated my Facebook page and quite frankly, the peace and the lack of feeling as if my life was a complete loss compared to all these happy faces taking a trip here and there, newly married, happy shots of big groups of friends on big social occasions, all the ‘everyone else is bloody deliriously happy but me’ shots they post and POSITIVE thinking shit to boot; if you don’t think ‘this’ you are failing in life but we will pat your back anyway….bloody arrrggghh

Just about drove me to despair…in fact it did..

My life. Sucks. Has sucked for the last few years. Starting with Yank 1..the ‘him’ in Life beyond him…blahdy blah. Should never have gone there…but I did.

Yank 2 whom I still talk to and adore but he does not know what he wants (although he thinks he does) and is too frozen in place with his comfortable at present life. But there is something missing…I guess there is for us all…

There have been others recently too (I still play when I want to), but not really worth an honourable mention. Except the italian who is wonderful to talk to…we are friends.

Moving through prelude to and then meno..fucking pause itself that never seems to pause dammit…

My eldest son and his degenerative disease and losing his ability to talk, eat, walk etc etc and because of forces I am unable to control not being able to see him as often or even….oh god…

Living in a place I have not wanted to be in for far too long. Work..Economic situation in this goddamn arsehole of a parochial, expensive, isolated and far too keen on themselves city…plus much more and under a haze I cannot at this very point be more specific…

Oh shit..I should just shoot myself now. And I probably would if it wasn’t for my two..older now but beautiful sons…

Sometimes, I absolutely hate being a woman too. We sacrifice alot to bring up and look after our kids. Alot of men are able to continue their careers while we have to exit to have our kids and by the time we are back things have changed..we have to play catch up and if we divorce, if we aren’t bitches in general who clean our husbands out at divorce because we want to be fair and equitable we miss out on alot of superannuation and other things. Our bodies are stretched and scarred beyond recognition and so are our vaginas which MEN eventually use as an excuse to be seeking out younger women…because oh geez who wants a vagina that’s had a human life pass through it???

Why would a man want a wrinkled..life lived and totally fucked by men woman when we can have a 20 year old with a father complex, tight vagina and never has the brain capacity to question the sugar daddy even he with the limpest of cocks…fuck who cares I can buy buy buy on his credit card because the silly limp dicked bastard is just extremely happy I am even giving him the time of day…what limp dick?

Do I seem like a disconnected angry female…?  Yes I am…

I could go on feeling victimised. Resentful. There is plenty of good reason. But the only one that this energy is going to effect is me.

This is why I stopped writing…I am still…not in a good place. Not good enough for the expectations society places on me…yet…what is the way out…

Love and whitelight xx

Why do I do it? Feel it, move through it

I have been struggling today. After my decision yesterday to just obliterate the afternoon and night with alcohol because I just couldn’t stand the pain and sick feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Joe and I broke up but was also very different because this man was different in so many ways.

Fact of the matter is that he had a unique way of being able to show his vulnerability and then in the next breath he would speak strong and confidently and reiterate how marvelous he was (at times overtly narcissistic, even though having had a very recent experience with a true cerebral narcissist I knew he was not one)…at times I could not keep up with that complex to-ing and fro -ing he seemed to be doing. I think how he felt about us was similar. He wanted us to hang in there with each other and yet another time he would distance himself from the prospect of the committed relationship because he just didn’t need it, it seemed to him. He wasn’t sure about it, it was scary as hell to him I could see that. He was crazy, funny, complex, profound, childlike…it was a ride. At times I felt like I could feel his essence and then he would close off and I could not get a read on him and I remained fascinated and even though alarm bells went off here and there I could not bring myself to save myself from what I am feeling now at his hands.

We did over the times we would talk for hours on Skype discuss and share some very deep personal things with each other. Things I would never repeat because even though he has hurt me in what turned out to be a thoughtless and careless way I know that at times he will think back and feel a profound sense of loss at what we did have and he will know it was of  his own making, sadly. He did not give himself the chance to experience what could have been a love experience like no other, he was scared…once I said that to him and he freely admitted it. He was capable of seeing things that others took a long time to realise or did not at all. He was a special man in my eyes, even though he hurt me.

Me, well I am reeling from the shock that when it happened it was over so quickly. Yet I get the feeling that my intuition was right many days ago when I felt that all was not good and yet I still remained hopeful that the words we both had uttered over the last month or so, after a bad bump about hanging in there and weathering the storms because we both felt there was something worthwhile in the future for us, together.

I ask myself ‘why do you do it?’ keep putting yourself out there, taking that risk, knowing it could result in exactly what I am feeling now and have felt a number of times over but each experience more or less painful than the other? The ‘experts’ in life would say I am stupid; I court this drama and to some extent they could be right but I also know that the flip side of this horrible hurt is an amazing sense of wonder and happiness that at times you feel is so good you want to bottle it and keep it forever…the upside of opening yourself up. When relationships are new, or even long but going well there is nothing like it..feeling love for the person you are with is unlike anything else. Feeling that connection, wow. And I still believe in love.

Last night in my drunken stupor I wrote a long and at times perhaps slightly rough on him email although it is what I thought was true and correct. He had done something similar to me a couple of weeks back. But I was drunk and I did preface the email with that. But in the cold light of day today when I realised he really had let go of us the hurt was back but I realised that either way it was more helpful to myself to speak in more positive terms about what we had and to say goodbye with love, so I did. With the love and care I still feel for him but I know now that he has disconnected and I have had to accept that even this early in the piece because to hold on with hope will only prolong my pain. The chances are he made his decision much sooner than the actual day he let go even if it was a difficult one he tousled with for a time. It is just how it is. Hoping for some miracle that we will somehow make it in the end will only destroy me and I have had enough to deal with both over the years and even still.

With sadness I have let go. I will allow the odd romantic fantasy of us making it in only because I know you must allow yourself to feel the spectrum of emotions and work through it in order to emerge rather than descend into the dark place.

I miss him so, already it feels as if he has been gone forever. But I wish him well.

And now I must deal with me, try to see in front of me..a future. Often when depressed you can not see a future. I will not entertain this feeling for long. I can not go back to that place. I am unmedicated, have been for 2 years now after many years on it. I have fought hard to be healthy and stay away from the dark without that artificial intervention and I refuse to give in now. No matter what. No one can help me but me.

Love and whitelight xxx

Divine timing…realisations

It almost got me again. That thing. That slow spiral decent into the deep dark place where there seems to be no hope. Where all you want to do is shut the world out, close the curtains and stay in foetal position swathed in the only warmth you can find; that of shuteye and sleep in bed where nothing and no one can harm you. Where your mind can get some form of peace.

BUT IT DIDN’T. I skirted the edge of the precipice and this time avoided the dive into the abyss. I gave myself a few days of misery and self flagellation and somehow I lifted myself up and started to think of all the reasons why this apparent ‘end of the world’ situation was not actually the end of the world; IT WAS THE GIFT OF DIVINE TIMING…

I started several posts over the last month since I last posted in this blog only to save the draft with the intention of publishing later. And never did. It is over a month now that I last wrote and as I read back that post and know how much has happened since then I realise that no matter how much I wanted to control the future I just could not.

I lost my job last week. It came like a bolt out of the blue because I thought I was doing well. I was told that I could not perform at the level required of me because I had not acquired (expected through self education in my own time) over the last month or so on the job the ‘advanced excel skills’ required to do what she needed me to do; different than what I thought I was actually required to do when I was hired yet never discussed in the 10 minute interview (yes, she only talked to me for ten minutes and decided I was the one to hire),  which was a job I have nearly 10 years experience in. It simply wasn’t enough.

A cold slap in the career face which as per usual I immediately internalised. And my ‘partner’ of sorts, the yank  criticized me saying that I was a ‘field of red flags’ and that I must have been ‘let go’ for a reason…yes he judged without knowing the facts for which he later made a very heartfelt apology and referred to himself as an ‘asshole’ and having had a ‘bad case of hubris’. That is what I love about him, he has the capacity to admit when he is wrong, apologise and rectify. He also tells me things I do not want to hear that others wouldn’t and says ‘I am not rejecting you’ and sticks with us even when the distance and other factors seems to be against us and always asks me ‘just hang in there baby, it is worth it’. And he feels empathy..something that other narcissistic yanky arsehole could not. But I digress.

So not only had I lost my job which at my age (now 50) brings about an incredible level of self doubt and fear but the person who had not long before that told me ‘I love you babe’ was saying “wake up and smell the roses”. It was as if he was cutting me loose as well.

I was lost for a few days. Sad, hurt, fearful and all the old familiar feelings of pain and inadequacy came pouring through…and it was hard…

With some kind words from  friends, his renewed support and a bit of strength I had finally mustered I made another tough decision. Well, it wasn’t so tough when I flipped all the negative rubbish and took a real good look at things.

This was a gift from the universe, timing and the freedom to do some things I needed to do and sort that had been worrying me for some time.

I was loving it here in some ways, but the main elements were missing; my sons, first and foremost, my love, my friends and feeling really satisfied with what I was doing in my career. The timing for this move here was not right. It was too soon, with so much else that needed to be sorted before I took this leap. And it was brought to my attention in a fast and unexpected way. In my job, my boss had put the kibosh on my being able to go to the July wedding in the states that both Yank and I had been looking forward to attending ‘together’ and it would be our first time face to face after many and regular 2 day a week Skype dates often for hours on end, and constant emails and talking on the phone we would finally see each other. But no, she said no leave. It had saddened and disappointed me and even though he said he understood there was still times he would bring it up. One night he even asked me, just in case I could somehow go, my food preference at the wedding. We both chose the same dish.

My heart was not in this stay here; I was pining for my sons especially knowing that my eldest was now having more difficulty with his disease progressing again and even though when there I could not get to see him often not through want of trying but another trying situation there with my ex husband and his horrid nasty wife, it was was made me give up and fly out far too soon. So many elements were not in place.

Now, there is a very good chance I will make that July wedding in Chicago or very soon thereafter and see my love..he has leave from work so we can spend some real time together. I am flying home to Perth next week and I will see both of my sons poste haste and that makes my soul feel so so good, and I get to sort some things out that really should have been sorted prior to my leaving. And, I have also made some career decisions too. Something I should have done a long time ago, had I had more faith in the universe and more particularly….IN MYSELF.  Watch this space:)

Love and whitelight xxx

 

5 days to 50…

Thing have changed alot since I started this blog. This cathartic friend over a years journey of self exploration and recovery. In the first days being back from the States I was like an automaton going through the motions. It hadn’t quite hit me that the love I thought was going to be for life…what I had mistakenly considered to the be ‘the one’was not, not real, not worth the time and effort; that I had allowed myself to dream finally that elusive thing that many had managed to find and I had not in nearly 50 years…this…thing…

Love is the thing, they say. Why do we crave it. Why do we hold it up like the Holy Grail which holds all the promise and joy supposedly only to have amazing lows and crashes; burns and pain…what is this thing…LOVE?

I have rabbited on about lessons I have learned over this year. The journey through illness physical and mental, growth and supposedly emerging at times as if yes that’s it  I am finally where I am supposed to be…supposed to? Where am I supposed to be? I should be with my kids; no wait a moment, they are no longer kids they are grown and even though my eldest is ….I can’t bring myself to mention it again right now as the last couple of weeks have been difficult…some circumstances have changed and I worry for him everyday, I miss them both, my boys, everyday, but I have just finally found a good job, some freedom and time away from what I have always considered my prison…the city where I was born…I am spending some time on me. Why does it still not feel right? Like I am letting someone down.

I am 50 in 5 days time. I watch everyone else handle this passage with great happiness and a feeling that the best days of their lives are here and me, I am still the same tortured soul I have been for a most of my life. Things just don’t seem to hit the mark, ever. The only times I can categorically say I am in bliss is when I have my sons in my presence and I am able to put my arms around them, love them and feel proud about the one thing in life I have done right. Had those two beautiful souls.

I have managed to almost sabotage another chance at love through my ridiculous insecurity. Only after some deep thought a couple of days ago did I realise that I am still reeling from not only the crushing hurt I felt at Joe and I not making it but also all the ridiculous relationships with the male species throughout my life and I judge everything still by those tragedies. I can’t seem to let myself just enjoy the experience and take it for what it is. Nothing in life is guaranteed except death and taxes as they say and yet I expect a guarantee now that I won’t get hurt, that this will last…am I really that wounded? I thought I had ‘got over it’. That is what most would say to me, it seems to be the catchcry of the so called successful human these days “just get over it””toughen up”…I am woman hear me roar…

5 days in which I am expecting that magic bullet…that wondrous feeling that oh yes I am finally about to embark on my best years….expecting, expectation, that’s it isn’t it I have expectations and I should know better.

To kind of paraphrase one of my favourite  authors Charles Bukowski; ‘ I am like a Rose that has never bothered to bloom when I should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting’

Am I actually in a kind of depression again?  I am unmedicated now; things rarely give me any joy or excitement; get my heart pumping and racing…is that another expectation? I am bored with the mundaneness of it all…. I am reading this back and it sounds incredibly dark and negative. It is as if I don’t know how be happy at times…has the sum total of all things I have been through finally jaded me. Oh I will pick up for a moment or two here and there; but just in general at present I can’t see a great deal of light. I ask myself ‘what is the point in all this?’.

I’ve spent alot of time looking back today; that, I guess is a mistake. We can not do anything about the past and we have little control over tomorrow…why can’t I be happy today. I am grateful for many things. Grateful for life itself. I feel bad about my feelings and often negative outlook. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day.

I miss my yank today. I know we will Skype date tomorrow evening as per usual and for the two days we do I will feel somewhat happy. He has a way of putting things into a simple perspective but says it in a profound way. He is quirky, funny, smart but almost childlike at times. He is handsome. Not what I would normally consider my type but maybe that is why this may just work, because he is not the ‘type’ I am used to. And he has become incredibly handsome to me. You know that moment when you realise that all of a sudden this person you are looking at makes you feel this wondrous feeling..a kind of awe…you look and start to appreciate every last detail; their eyes, their face, the marvelous way the lip curls as they express something, the beautiful smile….yes maybe I have found that elusive thing after all…time will tell..

Love and whitlelight xxx

 

Difficult decisions…flow

Alot has happened since my last post. I was contemplating my next move and had been for quite some time running it through my head over and over. It was time to make some difficult decisions. One very difficult one in particular.

Our kids are the greatest gift that we can be given. They are a blessing if we are lucky enough to have them and I love my sons more than life itself and have always referred to them as my anchor to this earth. They are older now; one nearly 20 and the other nearly 22 if the degeneration does not progress as fast as it has been so far the end of and beginning of this year. It has been devastating to watch and not be able to do anything but love him immensely and at times I have been so shaken up by it again more recently in frustration and sadness it threatened to overcome me and drag me into the dark abyss but I have been fighting that with all my might…it won’t help him, or his brother and it certainly could be very detrimental to my future which for a long time I actually did not care so much about as long as I was there for my boys. His father is wealthy and has everything so well set up and in place for his care and at times a bit of independence which is what he likes that as it was I was not able to see him as often as I wanted, that was very difficult.

But I am in transition. I will be 50 in May. I have moved through years of sadness, and darkness at times; like an automaton, doing what I should do. I am now realising that some things are out of our control and to fight that is futile…it is a waste of energy and life.

I owe it to myself; yes I am being selfish right now but I have to to ensure that whatever happens I try make some positive flow in life for whatever time there is and not sit and ruminate and stagnate as I have been doing for a while now. Move forward.

This time last week I flew into Sydney, the big beautiful sprawling metropolis that has always been my second home. I have always been bi-coastal even though I was born in Perth I have always felt at home here even though by virtue of the fact it is one hell of an expensive place to live as far as housing goes rent and buying, and worse now more than ever. But there is something about life here. I love it. And I needed to take a breath from the vacuum I was in in Perth. Something had to shift. So after time with my boys and discussing it with them; my youngest said “mum, you have been here for us and its time you did some things for you” and my eldest also understood…but if I discuss how we talked about it I will break down right now so I won’t. I have to stay strong. I am meeting people today and I have managed to secure a job interview Monday. There is so much work here compared to Perth which is slumped right now because mining and resources fell in a hole. If you have read my previous posts you will see what I mean. I have had calls left right and centre and it has buoyed me a bit. Given me a shot of energy that I haven’t had for a while.

I now think that whatever is meant to be will be, there is only so much we can control. The universe has its way of directing our lives if we allow the flow…right now I am all about letting things flow.

My relationship; yes I think I can safely say my relationship with Yank 2 (my darling) has progressed as best as it can considering we are on different continents right now. It has literally flowed over time; we have a skype date at least once a week when he has his days off and we are often on there for hours and hours just enjoying each other…it is wonderful and unexpected. After the last horror; the HIM in life beyond him I was so cautious and was not going to allow myself to let go easily with this but this has worked and flowed freely and unscripted and it feels wonderful. We email at least a few times daily. He always makes sure he has responded so when I wake in the morning his message is there and a great way to start the day and I do the same for him plus we write as we see or do things we want to tell and share with each other…no expectations but lots of REAL and true CARE and we have both been hinting at something much stronger but holding those words back even though we call each other my love, sweetheart and darling (!) we know there is something very exciting to look forward to in the future. I finally feel satisfied in a relationship…even from afar and am happy to wait as long as it takes and so far it appears that he is too. He has asked me to join him as a plus one at a family wedding in Chicago in July, he said a lot of the family will be there…that means alot. After that I want to him to come to Australia. His brother lives here in Sydney with his wife. I am about to meet them today, he has really encouraged it as a support more than anything but also it seems opening his world up to me. I am a lucky girl, he is a good man.

I have to go now and get ready but I will write more soon,

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Are we there yet? A change of view…

I am counting down the days and minutes for this damned year to be over. It has been, to quote our regent “an annus horribilis”, well most of it anyway. I wonder was it just me or did this year seem just slightly more ghastly than usual?

Although I can say with all truthfulness and gratefulness that the lessons learned and the growth I have experienced this year has kind of counterbalanced that yukkyness of the year. And hand on heart I feel that I have emerged a better person for it and my outlook on the future not as bleak and negative irrespective of current challenges.

There are days still lately that I feel like things are just hanging in suspended animation and I am like a marionette hanging in the closet waiting for the puppet master to take me out onto stage of life and see how this plays out…..the clock ticking…ironically I can here the clock in the hallway ticking right now. It seems quite loud.

I am waiting on a response from my job interview last week, they said they would decide by today. I have applied for others what little there is at his moment in time and time of year. Waiting.

I had a long phone conversation 2 nights ago with “the good one”, yes, the one I let go of a week or so ago. He seemed at the time not to know what to say or do but appeared happy to receive my message of  “I bought ‘Evie’ parts 1,2 and 3 by Stevie Wright (an Aussie rock legend from the Easybeats and solo work who passed away boxing day sadly) and am playing it full blast and it made me think of you”, you see we both love the same music genres and era’s and when we spent time together it was often kissing and making love and jamming in the nude (with him playing guitar, music on and me singing sporadically) and it was always very enjoyable, easy and fun.

So after my message he called me and we spoke for hours. And that was nice. But once again I feel like I am…waiting…kinda…

And my sons and I had an awesome Christmas lunch and afternoon together, those days I treasure and hold dear to my heart. Memories to be cherished because his brother and I are trying to make use of the time we have left with my eldest son, this bloody disease….I will not say ‘waiting’ again because a part of me still refuses to believe we will lose him even though this year he has degenerated more than before and it is very painful to watch as a mother because you just want to take away his pain and burden and when you can’t….well it is …..beyond description how it feels….

I am about to go to the gym, the one constant that ironically the Yank Joe (narcissistic wanker) got me started on over a year ago and is now my savior from a health and psychological perspective. The effect of it for me has been far greater than all the years on anti-depressant meds which I now realise I never really needed long term and am damned sure will never again. That has been a positive from this year. The emergence from a psychological ‘coma’ of sorts, and the awareness that I had within me all that I needed to rise above the merde of years gone by let alone this year….not so horribilis:)

So this year has been a gift of sorts. I think when you start to see it from a different view and realise that the things that have hurt you or caused you pain have a hidden gift then you start to feel a well of strength you didn’t know existed. It isn’t easy to say ‘thank you for my pain’, but when you survive and move past it life seems that much sweeter somehow and promising…

That is how I choose to go into this New Year…with a different view….

Love and whitelight xx

Freaking fabulous at 49…stuff the lamb!

The last week or so I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but the wondrous thing is I now know why and I fully accept and embrace these days and the future which I know will be difficult at times but also marvelous. Because I said so.

I won’t reel off the list of crap that still exists in my life, it’s in previous posts and frankly I get sick of talking about it because it is what it is and everyone has problems of varying degrees. In some ways its enough to make a grown man cry but I know that the strength gained over time this year has enabled me to say “oh fuck it!” (sometimes the power of the expletive is the only way to create the impact!) and after a good bawl I pick myself back up again and go at it!

I have written alot about how I have moved past depression without medication this time and done it over a very challenging period of my life. One of the biggest changes and mechanisms for a stronger mind has been exercise, a good diet and supplements (including high strength fish oil, B group vitamins, Probiotics and Super Greens). Cliche but true. And I do have Joe to thank for the exercise thing..he was my initial impetus and he was very encouraging in our beginning…something to thank him for!

There is mounting evidence that regular and proper exercise has just as much (if not more) of an effect as antidepressants and I have to say, for me, it’s true. The natural boost from endorphin’s and the like seems to bring a clarity that allows me to put things more into perspective and help allay the rumination that so frequently wears away at you when you have mounting pressures and an impending feeling of doom.

You need to take into account what the root cause or causes may be and go to the heart of it and do the work. I know, I have been there. By no means do I belittle the fact that for some ‘chemical’ imbalance or physical cause is the root and that is when traditional methods; medication and therapy are still the most reliable way to stay upright.

And there are days when amongst it all your body just says ‘NUP’, no way, so you listen and give yourself the time to rest and nurture your aching spirit. IE give yourself some love and care. Have that glass of fabulous red (or several in my case!), sleep that extra hour if you can, read a good book, listen to some good tunes, whatever makes you feel in the moment and brings your energy back to centre.

I’m not trying to preach. There are many blogs out there doing that already. I am simply writing about my own experience and maybe if it works for me it may for someone else. I started this blog for that reason..catharsis and connection.

So it’s Friday and old habits die hard! Years of working in the city and Friday drinks and the excitement from the unwind still sit in my wiring even though I am not working at present (not through choice but circumstance and believe me that is temporary, I am damn sure of that now I am well again and the brain is in ‘go get’em’ mode!)

Funny story; I’ve been doing the dating thing, well not as fervently as recently because I have finally settled into my own groove and rather than try work through the quagmire of men who only want to ‘horizontal mambo’ straight off the bat (seriously, I don’t know if it is just Perth men but it feels like they are spoilt for choice and behave like insolent teenage boys needing their quick ejaculation at any cost…and they get it!…or in my case one guy, 3 years younger than me, who keeps texting me out of the blue…persistent bastard…probably because I won’t give it to him! He is slightly seedy in the sex department, he showed me by his behaviour after one coffee although he was an hilarious bastard as well! Which is the only reason I haven’t blocked him! What? I like a good belly laugh:).

Then there is a 35 yo who every time he opens his mouth I hear ‘waaaahhhh’ and realise why it is he is still single….he needs a mother figure and I guess at 49 I’m it temporarily but he did have some redeeming qualities…somewhere, although I haven’t heard from him for  2 days now after I told him his temper tantrums won’t work with me and frankly I don’t care if he doesn’t message again.

I did speak to the handsome Italian 52 yo I was dating recently this week, it seems we may keep some kind of friendship going as he had said. He is going through a difficult family thing right now (and dating on the side, I’m quite sure….I don;t think I was quite ‘adventurous’ enough for him in the sack…fervent but not adventurous!). And it is true what they say about the so called ‘quiet, gentlemanly ones’! 😉

I am damned serious; some of these men out there really want some seedy shit, they want the porn queen in the bed and the saint in the kitchen and man trying to keep up with this crap is tiring so I am happy to just ‘be’, have a laugh when I want and just enjoy my new sense of self and freedom. (Well partial freedom, I’m still caring for my mum although she is becoming more self sufficient now as her leg is healing and my son is….not as well as he has been…nature of the degenerative disease he has but there is still so much light in him even so and he is well cared for and is kept occupied which is good for him…I wish it could be me all the time but there is another story in that…so I have to get on with my life when I am able…keep connected to life outside of the issues and keep moving forward as best I can).

So yesterday, in the gym the young lass said to me’ how old are you?’ after I was talking about stuff and I said ’49’ and she said ‘no way, oh no way, my god I thought you were 40 at the most, look at your skin and your energy, you glow, my god if I look like you at that age I would be very happy, awesome”.

And I have to say I walked out of there with a big cheesy smile on my face and I realised that for all the crap there are also so many blessings and things to be grateful for…. and even though recently one date said he thought I was a modern hippy! I don’t know quite what he meant by that but hopefully not mutton dressed as lamb…damn it stuff the lamb…mutton is tastier…slow cooked! hahaha

Oh dear! ….Excuse the mass expletives…baring the soul

As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!

I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.

I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.

I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.

I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.

It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.

I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.

My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.

Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.

When you’ve tried but it threatens to overtake you again…

I have just spent an hour on the phone to a Social worker who originally called to get information about facilitating my mothers return home after some days in hospital and they ended up counselling me, although I have a feeling they may have known I needed it, and my mum did say something to them apparently now I remember her saying. I was sobbing. After a nice run of feeling OK again and looking forward to “getting on with it” as so many put it, I am back in struggle street with my mind, things are just…

This person was good, she managed to ferret out a lot of what I must have been bottling in or what I thought I was handling but obviously I have been impatient with myself and just expecting too much. The last couple of days I have been really struggling. Even to the point where I contemplated ‘leaving’ again. It was only for a short time before I got my senses back again, I used my sons as my anchor again and it worked..even though for a brief moment in my complete despair I even thought they would be better off without me and I barely get to see them anyway these days.

The struggle, the fight with the mind and the negative self talk, the hating yourself for your weaknesses…that is the hardest part of this..I know medication may take the edge off for a while but inevitably for me it doesn’t work and makes me feel even worse..sounds strange but true.

When I reeled off all the things that are contributing to my state of mind she said ‘My god, you have every right to be feeling so overwhelmed look at what you are and have been dealing with’.

But I remember last night watching a tv show about the women being rescued who had been captured in the middle east by isis and how many have endured unspeakable torture, rape and even death of family members. They blurred vision of one woman who was stoned to death by her ‘bastard’ captors those isis bastards and even her own father helped and I felt such anger and hatred for those men and felt incredibly guilty that I even felt any difficulty with my situation…that is what happens with me..I feel everything so deeply and I want to help people but I am not even capable of keeping myself upright for any long length of time at present…and I desperately need to.

I know the fact that I haven’t exercised for 2 weeks and have had a few more drinks than I usually allow myself these days hasn’t helped, it really is a viable alternative to the medication I have found that but you must be extremely consistent with it and also combine with CBT and other therapies and keep it up. I was almost there. Then I had another period of not being able to get the narcissist out of my head and the whole scenario, the trust I had put in him, the love and the hope and realising how stupid I had been and going over the whole association with him from when I was 16 to the reconnect over a year ago now and how things started and then the psychological games he played that I hand;t realised until it was too late and I was hooked.  And how I can’t talk to people about it because after so long as someone said to me recently whom I dared to mention it too “JUST GET OVER IT” it’s time, etc. People don’t understand how devastating and psychologically damaging an association with a narcissist can be especially when they are so covert about their actions, and the devalue and discard can be brutal. That coupled with my complete mental strip down over the last months, dealing with old abuse issues etc its left me not liking many people at all. Even though I do feel for what I see in the news etc daily.  I started to just not want to talk to people again. I got on Facebook and it probably looked OK to people on there but that was almost all I could handle in dealing with people. Right now, the way I am feeling I feel so disappointed with most human beings and there is something wrong with that I know but it is just how I feel.

Writing this publicly may or may not help but writing it out like this seems to…a little

How do you rise above that way of thinking?

I am feeling quite dizzy right now, I need to rest….

Out of hibernation…moving on…the date

I can’t believe it’s been over 3 days since I last wrote. Finally, I am out of the hibernation. I’m not sure about the timing of it as I look back thinking about it, when the change came exactly but it has. And this time it feels more permanent than the few false starts I have had previously. It feels real.

This has been a bastard of a depression. Over 3 months of extreme black, misery and nothingness felt at full force because I did not have medication this time. I’ve been determined not to, it took alot to get over them after 17 years. I went from having my heart demolished to completely breaking down everything that has ever effected me in this life so far. There was work to be done. I am grateful that this time my strength is coming back in such a relatively short space of time, it’s a miracle really. I keep wondering if it will last…but that is self defeating talk…IT WILL LAST…

Only very recently did I finally get an apology from my mother for what she failed to protect me from as a young girl and for leaving me with my tormentor. That was a part of the way towards healing, I needed to hear it…sorry can sometimes be a very powerful word when it is heartfelt.

There have been many things I have been working through this time, things that were never properly dealt with but bit by bit I have been facing the demons, their strength dissipating slowly. There are things you will never forget but you can make the choice to not allow them to conquer you from now on. It’s hard but you can. Like anything, you have to want to, to find the strength in your core and not give in on the fight. I understand that for some that can be quite impossible. I think about some of the famous faces that have gone in the recent past like the marvelous Robin Williams and feel a terrible sadness that he felt compelled to just let go. But I do understand where you have to be to get there.

‘He’ (Joe) no longer has control of my mind either. Finally the chords that bound me to him and all that happened are severed. I have to mention him now because this has been a large part of what I went through. But as I write I feel nothing for him. I have detached. Finally. Hang on a minute…..nope, nothing. I hope it stays that way, I am still a little dubious about this new found sense of freedom I feel. It kinda feels like learning something for the first time.

Maybe it has a little to do with my date night Tuesday. I did accept the invitation of an evening out with my younger man. I am so glad I did. There is something to be said for dating a younger man (oh yes indeedy Demi had it right all along! Well at least for a while:P).

He has more class in his little finger than Joe will ever have and there was no facade (believe me after what I just went through my senses are on high alert for BS, but I will not let that ruin my ability to eventually let another man into my life, if the right one comes, in time, I’m in no rush).

Joe was all facade the tough seemingly successful outer was a cover for a weak, insipid and confused man underneath, quite sad really.

My date was wild and fun and just what I needed. He makes me smile and laugh. He’s quite intelligent, a good conversationalist, open and honest. Has a good career, but not over the top focused or obsessed. Quite an impressive young man, balanced. I know it won’t go anywhere because of our age difference, which is kind of sad but we agreed to enjoy each others company for a while. Even last night he messaged me to say ‘that was a very good night! Thank you’. Yes, It was. He had me thinking of the qualities I really admire in a man which funnily before all this I had never really thought about, really thought about. Strange at my age but true.

I had lunch yesterday with my youngest son for his birthday which is actually on Saturday. We had Japanese food, Sake was involved, well for me it was, my very responsible young son (I am so proud of him) said he was driving back to Uni so he just laughed at me whilst I got progressively Jolly! We always have the best and often animated conversations. I’ve decided that I am going to enjoy myself over the next week or so prior to having the meeting with my boss about a return to work. I only have  another 3 or so months left of my contract of which as I have said I am very surprised that they are looking at having me back for after these long months away. I am baffled, but thankful. And whilst I am finishing those last months I will work towards putting things in place again for the business I was about to start B.J (before Joe). All in good time.

I went on and had drinks with a friend after lunch yesterday and she told me I had to still be patient with and kind to myself. That had come after I commented that I’d hoped I had not had too adverse an effect on my sons over this period. I have always shielded them from the reality usually but this time it was there out in the open. It is hard not to feel selfish about it. I also think that life is very different now in that we get to see more of people’s reality ‘live and on air’ with the internet etc.

I do however feel there are many conversations that need to be had, issues in the open in order to de-stigmatise and bring more compassion and acceptance of the very real experiences that have for many years remained buried. I don’t think my recovery would be anywhere near as effective without the outlet and connect that this blog has afforded me. I admire so many of my fellow bloggers for their courage in sharing their experiences, how else can we really know and relate to one another. There is a strange kind of solidarity.

I did make it to the gym after the Doctor Monday and it felt so much better, not thinking about him so much. I will honor my commitment to continuing it. That and I have recently been adding a change in diet and adding vitamins and high strength fish oil of all things which I had read helps the brain function immensely. My eldest son has been on them for years as part of the ongoing trial of his health. I started them nearly 4 weeks ago, I am truly wondering if they have played their part in my minds recovery also, it seems as if they may have. You need to do whatever you can to move yourself forward, to help yourself.

Today I am feeling very grateful for the many blessing I have in my life…life beyond him…