Why do I do it? Feel it, move through it

I have been struggling today. After my decision yesterday to just obliterate the afternoon and night with alcohol because I just couldn’t stand the pain and sick feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Joe and I broke up but was also very different because this man was different in so many ways.

Fact of the matter is that he had a unique way of being able to show his vulnerability and then in the next breath he would speak strong and confidently and reiterate how marvelous he was (at times overtly narcissistic, even though having had a very recent experience with a true cerebral narcissist I knew he was not one)…at times I could not keep up with that complex to-ing and fro -ing he seemed to be doing. I think how he felt about us was similar. He wanted us to hang in there with each other and yet another time he would distance himself from the prospect of the committed relationship because he just didn’t need it, it seemed to him. He wasn’t sure about it, it was scary as hell to him I could see that. He was crazy, funny, complex, profound, childlike…it was a ride. At times I felt like I could feel his essence and then he would close off and I could not get a read on him and I remained fascinated and even though alarm bells went off here and there I could not bring myself to save myself from what I am feeling now at his hands.

We did over the times we would talk for hours on Skype discuss and share some very deep personal things with each other. Things I would never repeat because even though he has hurt me in what turned out to be a thoughtless and careless way I know that at times he will think back and feel a profound sense of loss at what we did have and he will know it was of  his own making, sadly. He did not give himself the chance to experience what could have been a love experience like no other, he was scared…once I said that to him and he freely admitted it. He was capable of seeing things that others took a long time to realise or did not at all. He was a special man in my eyes, even though he hurt me.

Me, well I am reeling from the shock that when it happened it was over so quickly. Yet I get the feeling that my intuition was right many days ago when I felt that all was not good and yet I still remained hopeful that the words we both had uttered over the last month or so, after a bad bump about hanging in there and weathering the storms because we both felt there was something worthwhile in the future for us, together.

I ask myself ‘why do you do it?’ keep putting yourself out there, taking that risk, knowing it could result in exactly what I am feeling now and have felt a number of times over but each experience more or less painful than the other? The ‘experts’ in life would say I am stupid; I court this drama and to some extent they could be right but I also know that the flip side of this horrible hurt is an amazing sense of wonder and happiness that at times you feel is so good you want to bottle it and keep it forever…the upside of opening yourself up. When relationships are new, or even long but going well there is nothing like it..feeling love for the person you are with is unlike anything else. Feeling that connection, wow. And I still believe in love.

Last night in my drunken stupor I wrote a long and at times perhaps slightly rough on him email although it is what I thought was true and correct. He had done something similar to me a couple of weeks back. But I was drunk and I did preface the email with that. But in the cold light of day today when I realised he really had let go of us the hurt was back but I realised that either way it was more helpful to myself to speak in more positive terms about what we had and to say goodbye with love, so I did. With the love and care I still feel for him but I know now that he has disconnected and I have had to accept that even this early in the piece because to hold on with hope will only prolong my pain. The chances are he made his decision much sooner than the actual day he let go even if it was a difficult one he tousled with for a time. It is just how it is. Hoping for some miracle that we will somehow make it in the end will only destroy me and I have had enough to deal with both over the years and even still.

With sadness I have let go. I will allow the odd romantic fantasy of us making it in only because I know you must allow yourself to feel the spectrum of emotions and work through it in order to emerge rather than descend into the dark place.

I miss him so, already it feels as if he has been gone forever. But I wish him well.

And now I must deal with me, try to see in front of me..a future. Often when depressed you can not see a future. I will not entertain this feeling for long. I can not go back to that place. I am unmedicated, have been for 2 years now after many years on it. I have fought hard to be healthy and stay away from the dark without that artificial intervention and I refuse to give in now. No matter what. No one can help me but me.

Love and whitelight xxx


Vulnerable, real, raw…Peter Pan syndrome..

I am not quite right yet where he is concerned, I am no longer embarrassed to say it in public..some days still..but rarely now… I talk a good game but every now and then the mad-person comes out and I have to do certain things to get my mind back to where it should be. Perhaps it is that I have too much time on my hands, have lost confidence after so many ‘no’s’ with jobs.   And the men I have dated bar one have been a great disappointment I no longer can be bothered with them, particularly those closer to my age or in their 50’s; they all seem to have Peter Pan syndrome! (And they talk about us women at menopause age?!!)

And other things in my life seem so totally out of my control that it saps my strength…for a window in time. I have no sounding board lately as I have found that friends that I have called and wanted to be able to speak to have not even bothered to phone or message me back. I guess they have had enough or it just makes them uncomfortable or they are just too busy, it is that time of year. I am always introspective this time of year. And as I wrote yesterday I regularly covet solitude anyway.

Out of sheer boredom this weekend my mind has been doing somersaults (nothing seems stimulating enough, nothing at all) and once again I found myself thinking about the yank narcissist endlessly. There is so much else I could be doing or thinking about and yet there he was again all of a sudden and that familiar tug and wondering why things unfolded as they did..yes it still happens and I am writing about it today because it is better out than in. I am OK with my flaws, I own them. When I try to work out why the thoughts of him come back and haunt me as strongly as they do after longer times of no feeling about it the only thing I can think of is that he was the source that opened me up..left me so bereft and so vulnerable and the months that followed after he demolished my heart were like an opened wound that not only festered but was riddled with disease that I never knew was there and it all came seeping out…and right now I need a course of ‘antibiotics’ as the infection has not quite cleared….

I’ve done everything, I thought, to prevent it..feeling this way. So why? Why is his face still so clear in my mind and why do I ruminate over what happened on these days and just can’t let it go. What is it about him? At one stage when I was there it wasn’t so much that he had shut down on me I remember thinking why don’t I feel anything for him right now in this moment? And the only thing I could put it down to was shock. At that time I was walking around numb…I couldn’t work out what had gone wrong and I had no way of gauging what was going through his head because he simply would not not discuss anything…it was the most bizarre thing. In a normal situation you would discuss or react…he just shut down and yet he did not want me to go out..to the shops (which I inevitably did) or walking even it seemed, it was as if he wanted me there he just would not communicate with me. I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he never gave me or us a chance to even though it was me that walked out after so many days of deadlock…

Months have passed, I had months of depression, ultimately committed career suicide because of it all, constant psychotherapy and yes my strength has come back more and stronger than ever in a very long time but these days like this weekend and today…I feel vulnerable.

I know that after Christmas and the New Year eventually work will pick up and when I am busy again it won’t give me the time to think as much. I just wish it was now…I should love it but I hate this time of the year lately. I look back at this time last year and he and I were constantly talking and he was being really surprisingly bold even saying things like “you should look at buying us a house in Perth, we can use that as a holiday house, how much are they?”, he was flirting up a storm and I was loving every minute of it. Maybe he was lonely then and entertaining himself and a crazy part of me wonders if he is the same this year, and if he has even thought about me? He doesn’t deserve my love, thoughts or energy and I know it so why? Why now?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS on so many levels…

Maybe I should consider hypnotherapy. If I had the money right now I would hop on a plane and just get out of here for a little while. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I should just take a drive out of here and spend a few days away, from this city and this situation…..escape..

Perschonkered and the bullshitometer…!

Oh hell, I shouldn’t be writing this right now. I am officially pershonkered (pissed..drunk..depends on where you are!!)..Yes its midweek! Yes it’s 9.30pm..I got a good start and it was not my intention. AND only 15 minutes ago I made a call to America..WHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING?

But it was a little….ahhh bejesus..a song that that DEMON fuckhead bastard c..tface (forgive me lord but when I am angry at someone….) made as part of a tape years ago for me. I do, like the songs. It reminded me and I felt the need to say, I am sad about what happened and HAVE A GOOD FUCKING LIFE YOU SHITHEAD BASTARD, well, I did say have a good life!

I am sitting here scratching my head , there is so much I could say, but, well at least I must say; there are some wonderful things happening at present and yet, inevitably when you put your faith in human beings they let you down…c’est la vie!

So, irrespective of the f..n crap…I have managed to find a nice man and we are sorting and getting to know each other right now. We have had several dates in a very short space in time, it’s been practically every second day, the most amazing and wahoo dates…wining dining great conversation, surprising mutual interests yadda and in between he messages me good morning and good night etc, manages to tell me he is thinking of me…until today…

Today, is the first day out of several, many, and my head straight away goes into the mode that it has a set pattern for; he is out of reach…withdrawing…you need to grasp…attach…fear, freak out he is leaving you because you are not worthy, you never have been, lasting conditioning of the past. CONDITIONING

It wasn’t until I read another of my psychology books..Susan Anderson, Taming the Outer Child and the chapter about relationships that she reminded me that those of us who have been blessed (!) with experiences of abuse, psychological, narcissistic, physical and other wonderful pieces of crap in our lives develop neural pathways and rehearsed responses and reactions to new similar stimuli and we react according to those experiences. It takes awareness..to move forward and out of that.

I fully believe for example that Joe, being the very intelligent cerebral narcissist that he was knew exactly who he was dealing with and what he was doing and he psychologically got me at the right time, and I trusted him because of  a past belief, experience of him. I have always been considered a reasonably intelligent woman, not quite Mensa, but street wise on top of clever, smart. But that fucker got into my mind and he knew what he was doing.

And because of the legacy of that raving fucking Narcissistic bastard and past history it totally fucked me..until recently…UNTIL…recently

So I met this ‘lovely’ man. It has been an amazing time in such a small space in time, he has been like a gift and totally reminded me that there are good men out there, and good relationships…well…so far…

But I have to say, I now have a built in BULLSHitometer and I can’t help but be cynical..learnt responses that we need to be aware of to move forward.

Is that Joe and others legacy, do I allow that BS to dictate my future

I haven’t heard from this beautiful man today..only one day out of so many that he has shown me his thoughts about me, his care and respect.

I have also come to realise that when a man wants to be with you he will make that next date, book that time or try, there is no such thing as mixed signals, that is just us fucking women and our BS….

So I guess, if he doesn’t come back, irrespective of his prior actions and professions….I just fucking move on, without internalising rejection….for the first time in my life?

YES…I do..it’s called self awareness and strength. The belief in yourself as a worthy and lovable human being…irrespective of your conditioning and experiences…love yourself..not narcissisticaly..just self respect and healthy self esteem..not selfies every minute of the day, just a sense of self…rising above all the crap….lovenwhitelight xx

The younger me…free your mind…connectivity

Yesterday I posted about the Sisterhood of the World blogger award someone kindly nominated me for and even though it doesn’t appear to be an official ‘award’ as such I think it originated to enable bloggers to reach out to one another and so I participated finally (I received it a couple of weeks ago thanks to mairacharmed.com). I felt chuffed that someone had thought my blog worthy of an honorable mention and wanted to pay it forward. I found it interesting as it made me investigate some of the blogs I’ve been following and some of my readers’ blogs a bit more in order for me to make my nominations. (There are some fantastic blogs out there).

I found there was a common theme of ‘connectivity’. We seem to be so disconnected in other ways these days because of technology and yet there was a huge amount of connecting going on in the blogging world. People following each others blogs and liking articles and postings, sending supportive comments to one another and it made me feel that I was part of something wonderful again. Human kindness. I hadn’t noticed that much over the days of my depression but I felt it yesterday, it hit me.

As part of my three questions to the people I nominated I asked “what piece of advice would you give your younger self today?”. I asked this because I have been referring to my younger self ‘little Roz’ (as separate from adult Roz or my outer child) the last couple of days as part of the abandonment healing exercises I have taken from Susan Anderson’s book ‘The journey from abandonment to healing’. She gets you to see your younger self separately from the adult self (I probably shouldn’t give too much away as it is a business/career for her and there are copyright issues to consider). I don’t like to spruik on this blog and I don’t get any kickback from mentioning it but as I’ve said this book is amazing in it’s accuracy (and ‘taming the outer child’ also by her). She has honestly done the work and managed to really get an understanding of the human psyche where past issues affecting future life is concerned. Abandonment is not just about being left, there is a fallout from its many forms and yes if you were abused as a child, or if your relationships have never hit the mark, or if you self sabotage or belittle yourself and your worth in this world (often resulting in depressive disorders and inability to cope) and other scenarios this may just resonate with you.

I found that my disgusting childhood experiences, subsequent relationship failures and other forms of loss including my recent choice to invest my love and trust in a narcissist again which shattered me, my inability to trust, love and nurture myself and set proper boundaries and a whole host of other things as discussed in my blog are all rooted together and formed a self deprecating, depressed hot mess of a person who has never been able to move beyond repeating circumstances until now. I have to say, I no longer accept that description I just worded of myself as such because I am starting to understand that that person did the best she could with the tools she was given and I applaud her strength and courage in the face of much adversity. It has taken me years to get here. There is still much work to be done but my mind is starting to feel a freedom it never has. I am grateful.

The approach is many pronged. I went to the gym again yesterday, I’ve been watching my diet (not dieting, I never do that I just eat well), supplements like high strength fish oils, Mega B Vitamins, super greens and other super foods and probiotics, cutting ties with certain toxic people, visiting the psych, researching depressive illnesses and becoming aware, practicing mindfulness and other things as above are all helping I feel. The biggest thing I think is my desire to take care of myself and move forward. There are still big issues in my life to contend with such as my sons degenerative illness, that is the most wrenching for me and always has been, the fact that I am getting older the work is drying up and the work landscape changing, I live in the most isolated capital city in the world an it is very expensive but I must be here for my sons,  financially this illness and time I have had away and recovering has been financial and career suicide in a sense, therefore I have to look at creating my own source of income (I’ve always wanted to anyway). But realistically I am getting my health and strength of mind back and that is everything to move on with and be grateful for.

My fellow bloggers give me a source of hope and inspiration as well, we live in interesting times…there is much to enjoy and learn:)

Finding peace…hitting the limit…no holding back now..

When I started to write this it was a beautiful bright sunny morning, only 14 degrees Celsius and lovely. To sit and recognise something as simple as the sunshine and to stop and appreciate it keeps you in the moment. And that is imperative when you are trying to mend a mind that tends to ruminate and is recovering from deep depression amongst other things.

I had taken some bad steps back in the last week or so but it was necessary and understandable and I am going to write about it because this blog is about my journey to inner peace, moving forward, overcoming life’s obstacles and living authentically and maybe it may resonate with someone out there as I have said before. And it helps to write. I can’t talk to people here, friends, about it they have reached their limit of care and I don’t want to burden them anyway. Most don’t give a toss and that is fair enough.

I slept well last night, I went to bed satisfied for a change. I watched my Aussie rules football team absolutely kick arse. They are now 2nd on the ladder and in the finals yipppeee.  I am a mad keen West Coast Eagles fan, have been from the start win or lose. I am no fair-weather fan! My sons would take a wide berth if the game was on TV, they would laugh and say ‘mum you are crazy, they can’t hear you through the TV screen!’

I realised last night if I could apply that same passion for my footy team towards many other things I would be out of the hole by now. What a dichotomous thing. But in fairness to myself (and I am trying to do that regularly, be fair to myself) there have been bloody good reasons why I haven’t. And now I am fully aware of it and working on it.

I went to the gym yesterday. I was finally well enough to after the flu and I was so glad I did. The experience was different because this time I enjoyed it knowing it was for me..not trying to get myself all gorgeous for ‘him’, it was for me and my mind and health and when that demon tried to intrude in my thoughts I politely told him to f#%k off and I upped my pace!

My Psych session Friday was draining. I hadn’t seen her for a little while and there was a lot to discuss. I had more recently had flashbacks of some pretty disgusting repressed memories from childhood and that had floored me for days and I found myself clinging to the memory of him and the ridiculous idealisation of that classless blood sucking vampire because as they say ‘better the devil you know’, clinging to false memories of him was safer than to deal with the visions of my repressed memories.

I now realise how he managed to get into my brain, I was ripe for the picking and he knew it. I shared with him things I had never with anyone and he used it and played it well but I am on to him now, really onto him and I no longer want to  play. The game is over. He is as good as dead to me.  I have hit my limit.

I have decided that I can not forgive certain people for the pain they have caused me and I am so fed up with the bullshit that you must. You don’t and it is this realisation that has brought me some peace finally. I may or may not ever and THAT IS OK. People expect you to forgive because it makes them feel good, all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, they feel as if they have seen you heal right before their eyes…but you need to do what works for you…it is hard for many to understand and these days care factor has a time limit. We are bombarded by so much despair and bad images we desensitize and try to keep away from it for our own peace of mind.

Let me put it this way; would you forgive the snake that bites you and fills you with the poison that just may kill you? (Forgive me Dalai Lama, there are times when you just can’t).

She (my psych) told me she thought I was actually doing quite well and that my backwards steps were understandable especially as I was forced into psycho prison again, bedridden from my flu and that unfortunately gave my mind far too much time to wander and ruminate, my energy was down very low.

She also said that I needed to keep very active if I was going to stave off further depressions without medication and I accept that you must keep active, it is a no brainer but I also feel that it is not as simplistic as that and as time goes on I am starting to see just exactly what is needed and it is daunting but necessary. No one can categorize depression specifically there are many causes and it can incorporate other issues like anxiety and trauma and therefore the approach to protecting yourself from it can be complex and take time to realise. No one size fits all as I have said before.

This time has taught me alot. I won’t shy from saying things that need to be said just because other people feel discomfort. I don’t fear abandonment anymore because I have felt it all my life and it has caused about as many wounds as it can….no more. I have shouldered far too much of that discomfort internally and refuse to do it any longer. It is one thing to say it, now I must follow through. These wounds run deep and the internalisation and self disgust have been part of the landscape for so long it is impossibly hard to be rid of in two seconds. It involves changing an entire belief system and setting up boundaries where there were none and that is not easy the older you get.

For now, its a beautiful day. Too beautiful to stay inside….

I need a lobotomy….or a good stiff..drink..diary of a madwoman…

Finally the damned flu that floored me for what feels like two weeks…can’t be bothered counting, is going. I’ve been holed up in my psycho prison again and just when I thought everything was getting better and I was moving forward my brain has latched on to the one thing I should totally forget…for posterity…forever.

I’ve avoided writing because I felt it would go within a day or so I believed it would.  I am being light about it at present but I feel a despair about why I can not seem to let this thing go for any semblance of time. Why all of a sudden am I back thinking constantly about him, wanting so desperately to hear from him, wondering how he is. IT IS PATHETIC. It is soul destroying and I feel like I am losing my mind.

What made it infinitely worse is that I wrote to him, after managing no contact for a reasonable period of time. It has been four months since he wrote to me and since I left him. The catalyst who brought me to my knees, physically and psychologically, what did I expect; a declaration of undying love and an apology for the pain and suffering caused.

I am considering self admittance to a psych ward at the very least or a partial lobotomy…but fuck it maybe I will have to settle for a good stiff drink….

I can have a good…stiff….the younger man I have just started to see now and then is wanting to catch up. I don’t want him right now I want ‘HIM’ but the ironic thing is I know he could not give me what I hold as a fantasy in my brain…he is just not capable on so many levels. Loving him is painful.  I have seen it first hand…experienced it. What is this that is going on in my head?

How can there be so many good steps forward and then a million back? Why did I ever look back in his direction over a year ago….why did I? Why did he? And what is it about him that I can’t let go of…..I’m losing it…..it hurts…

The dance..the limit…and on it goes

Most normal people have limits and boundaries. I hate saying ‘normal’ because that is quite a generic term and really who was it who defined normality in the first place? Where did the term come from and what does it really mean. Most define it as not abnormal, conforming to standard and an approximate average. Do we really want to be average? I know I don’t. I know I am not.

It has been a struggle these last months. A constant dance of sadness, despair, heartache, feelings of loss and isolation and then periods of mind numbness and nothingness. And then periods of anger, resentment and frustration at myself, at him, at my parents, my sons illness and other things but mainly the first three. Aside from having him in my thoughts all the time until recently this time forced me to deal with other things I had long buried in the closet and it was sealed. Throw a hearty bout of depression on top and boy…whacko.

As I said, most have limits and boundaries. I realised that mine weren’t where they should be thanks to my dysfunctional childhood. That after my spiel of 2 days ago where it almost seemed as if he had finally gone out of my head he returned again yesterday and so did the tears. When I woke yesterday I felt so bereft because he was there again when I had thought ‘finally’ he had gone. I had tried everything. But the impulse was so strong yesterday. So I levered myself out of bed determined not to spend the day there and went to the gym for the first time in ages. It wasn’t easy but I did it.

And for a while it felt OK. But the problem was I went there almost everyday for months to get my level of fitness and health better over the time leading up to going and seeing him in the U.S and also had the added benefit of losing 15 kilos (33 pounds). And that had stuck with me. He was there the entire session even though I tried to fight it and even as those marvelous endorphin’s kicked in. By the time I got home I was in tears, I wept. How could someone pervade every aspect of my life, my every thought and breath? So profoundly.

I am not a well puppy. The level of cognitive dissonance is alarming and completely psychopathic (Psychopathic can also mean a failure to learn from experience). I am aware of it but I can’t seem to stop it for long.

It comes and goes more now but yesterday was difficult. My sleep should have been better last night after exercise but it was dream riddled and broken. And my first thought this morning was that it is his daughters birthday today (in Australia it is, it is the 10th August) and I wanted to wish her well. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is just the timing. 1 year since we first reconnected and all this bullshit began…the dysfunctional dance.

I know I shouldn’t but I so want to have a drink today to distract myself. No it’s not a habit, but some days it would be easy for it to be. I need music as well…just to forget for another day…

This song is going through my head https://youtu.be/qaGLIKQl8Ag – THE KING IS DEAD by Go West

I think I will finish this later…

She’s AWOL again….Commander Whack Job…grief

I am starting to think that I am kryptonite to psychologists…It seems like the last couple have gone AWOL right at crucial times and I find myself back in the quagmire I seem bogged in. There is no point denying it. I am still in a bad place hence I haven’t blogged for a week. I haven’t had it in me until today.

2 weeks now I haven’t seen my psych. She’s had to cancel two Fridays in a row, the last because she is sick. That is perfectly feasible. People get ill, particularly in winter (Australia..southern hemisphere…winter)..flu season etc. But the same thing happened with the previous psych but her illness was apparently longer so I had to seek out a another.

Being the paranoid, depressed person I am right now I keep thinking its me! Have I outpsyched the psych? I am having serious abandonment issues! No thanks most recently to ‘he who shall remain nameless’.

I’m joking about it at present, I’ve just had cake. I got out of bed and made a cake. Just a moment ago I ate a large slice so I am buzzing on sugar. It was a sultana cake (high fructose as well). Making cake was good for me. It was action in an otherwise inactive day. I haven’t worked out for 3 months almost. I have gained 2 kilos. I don’t care there are worse things.

I have been excessively inactive in the last two weeks. So much so I did not even go outside for almost the entire 2 weeks. I have been back to the black, the dark place where all I did was sleep, read stuff on psychological issues (trying to self help) and broken relationships and narcissists and cried all the time. I felt immense pain and disappointment and hopelessness. And fear. My sons keep me here, nothing else. Thank god they are with their father now and older, I talk to them when able but they have no idea how bad I have been and I don’t want them to know. I know they don’t read my blog.

I have still been thinking about everything to do with Commander Whack Job (I did not coin that phrase, it was in an issue of Psychology today, an article about ‘how to survive a manipulator’). Funny actually, the poor woman who wrote it was a Journalist who was married to a ‘Commander Whack Job’, she called him that because he was ex U.S Navy just like my shithead but this guy was secretly professing to have been a Navy Seal and a whole host of other things and was a complete nutter/lier/manipulator/narcissist and really did a number on her. She ignored the Red Flags too. Apparently even the smartest of people will go cognitive dissonance because they want to believe people are being truthful. The story was a relief to me in a sad way..it made me realise how many other whack jobs there are out there and yet others fall for them and are left hopelessly bereft for a time like I am…hopefully not all of them (the nut jobs) are Ex U.S Navy (I’m sure they aren’t there are lots of great servicemen) and working for Cisco like mine. At least Cisco are getting their money’s worth out of his propensity to be a BIG talker/Narc. I’ve heard him in action on the job, exceptionally convincing, it is something to see. I’d bet his ‘Team’ thinks he is a god.

I know many will say why is she still on about this, its been 3 months, I kick myself all the time about it. In 3 days it will be a year since that connect request I got from him on Linkedin (after not seeing him for 30 years), and now I bloody well wish I had never reconnected with him. The memory of him was perfect from back then (early 80’s), he was handsome, romantic, generous (in some ways I am so glad I no longer have the beautiful jewelry he sent me when I was 16 and 17), he wrote me beautiful letters for a number of years after the ship went out (wrote my guardians when he couldn’t find me as I moved without telling him both overseas and over east as time went on!! I was young and trying to enjoy my life, I wasn’t ready for him then) and he was a gentleman.( He wanted to come back to me and Perth, settle here). I still believe he was that wonderful, then. And then the 30 years happened. The person he was no longer exists and what is in place now…well that’s what I struggle with daily to reconcile, still, 3 months after I walked out of his house with a horrible feeling in my gut that I had to walk out and heartbroken knowing he would shut down on me.

What he wrote and how he spoke to me for hours on the phone in the beginning of the reconnect was almost like the old him. He was pretending to be everything I thought he was and more, he uttered the words ‘I love you’ in the second week of our reconnect when we were on a 2 hour phone conversation Australia to the States, and I should have known then something was off…I kinda did, but I chose to ignore it because I was being love hazed comprehensively and fast and that coupled with the beautiful memory of him from years ago and the fact I was coming out of 17 years of antidepressant medication and a bad depression I HAD NO HOPE. I’m almost certain he knew exactly what he was doing. And everything is consistent with the narcissist playbook, you could tick every box line for line in every heartbroken love hazed narcissist/sociopath survivor blog and website. AND STILL. I loved him. It still hurts like a bastard. I keep thinking maybe there are other reasons for the things that happened that compounded it all like his daughters mother, whom he never married but there is so much he never revealed, he was smart about it. But bit by bit as I continue to post mortem because my mind just won’t let it go for some bloody reason, it is playing detective, and bits of memory of conversations and actions and inactions comeback and haunt me and his comprehensive shutdown/discard has not allowed me the ability to heal at all. The final bit of uncaring cruelty.

I am obsessed it seems, its like he still has control ever me and is sitting back laughing at me and how stupidly I fell for his bullshit. I did it, I hurt myself. I can’t seem to forgive myself for it.

I’m losing it….this is why I stopped writing because I was trying to avoid dragging it up and putting it down because it is still so painful. But it is part of an even bigger picture, a history.

I know I literally have abandonment grief (amongst other things) and even though Joe caused it this time it goes way back. I am also frightened again now about my capacity to be able to handle things if my son starts going down hill again or if I lose him. I had after years finally thought I had come to a place of acceptance about his disease and then this has brought me crumbling down again…my mind….I need my strength back, I feel weak….

Trying to recalibrate…….Days like this…

“When it’s not always raining there’ll be days like this
When there’s no one complaining there’ll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need to worry there’ll be days like this
When no one’s in a hurry there’ll be days like this
When you don’t get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need an answer there’ll be days like this
When you don’t meet a chancer there’ll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there’ll be days like this

When everyone is up front and they’re not playing tricks
When you don’t have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it’s nobody’s business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there’ll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams there’ll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there’ll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this”

Lyrics above by Van Morrison the song “Days like this”

The expression that usually means; even though its been a shit day the good one is just around the corner. Scott Thomas says in his review of the lyrics “The singer, steeling himself against disappointments and letdowns, does not want to feel too good on the good days: ‘When all the parts of the puzzle start to seem like they fit / Then I must remember there’ll be days like this.'”

I know what he means…Van that is. I have had so many much better days. Like the day the last time I wrote in my blog. I felt that old familiar feeling of steely resolve coming through and I wanted to march forward with it. And then I remember the let downs and disappointments, sadness and pain. (I know I am much better off than alot of people, I have food and shelter and warmth etc…I know believe me).

I purposely avoided all forms of Media over the weekend again. And alcohol. I took a vacation from human contact again (even though I am still pretty much isolating because of my depression and other reasons), aside from calling and talking to my beautiful sons (that, always makes me feel wonderful, hearing their voices…not as much as putting my arms around them but still).

I am trying to make permanent the things I am learning about myself and my way of thinking. I continue to practice what I have learned and been told by my psych. Trying to find the positive way forward, formulate a plan. At times now I just want to run back into life all guns blazing and then I remember that life as it was up until the point where he and I parted ways and I sunk into the mire of a bad depression is a life I no longer want to be a part of. And I freeze.

That was representative of a life of chaos, pain, loneliness and heartache (not just recent re him but over many years). Of bad decisions and loss. Of not being truthful with myself and living life inauthentically.

The only truth was my love for and my life with my boys, is. Everything else…is a past that I no longer for a vast majority of it want to be associated with although there were definitely good experiences and some good memories in there I am finding it hard to separate it into the keep and throw out piles because it is taking far too long.

There are days, much more now when I feel like I am finally ready to re engage. And then still a day like today will come when I feel like I simply do not have the energy or the capacity and I know what the outcome will be and I fear going back into that same pre all this time and that nothing has or will change.

How did I get here? Why hasn’t it gone away….I see brilliance on the horizon and something keeps dragging me back from the light.

I refuse to take medication. It is a bandaid solution. I have been there too.  Am I supposed to watch the days keep passing by until this magical switch is turned on and I can finally appreciate the marvelous opportunities I have? You could slap me right now, I wouldn’t feel it.

I still, nearly every day think of him (many will never understand this….but most days now only temporarily and almost completely without pain) and on days like today I wonder how a supposedly smart woman can fall so deeply, trust so openly and prize so highly a man who does not have the capacity to feel real love or empathy. Again today because of how I am feeling I have been reading about the barrage of other people…predominantly women but men too who have been ensnared into a relationship with either a sociopath or narcissist and how messed up you become and how long it takes to pull yourself out of horrible place you find yourself in and I fight hard to pull what ounce of sanity I have to remind myself…I am not the only one and I am not alone in this experience and so many have been so much worse off…so much worse off. But I also know how I feel is not just about him, but it was a brutal blow to a fragile, flawed mind.

I am told “the Narcissist has no use whatsoever for that which he can not control” hence the discard and devaluation without a second glance. And I know that the longer it becomes the more apparent it is that he was a narc. No care no empathy. No one with normal feelings and care could have allowed things to end as he did, under our circumstances, a normal person, capable of real connection with human beings would eventually feel some form of guilt or concern that even though they may no longer want to be with this person they would find a way to communicate it so that both parties are able to heal. Would feel some value in the friendship that was. Even though I know this my mind is still betraying me at times remembering and even making up good things and it is that that I am struggling with. How can I go out into the real world like some kind of vulnerable freak. I need to be able to trust myself. There is a strong, smart woman inside there, she is starting to show herself but she needs to be present most of the time not fleetingly and not under the cover of four walls where there is no reality of life.

I am working on trusting myself, it is taking time. And many days now I am starting to and it is gaining momentum…it needs to be constant and consistent. Writing this is helping. I feel the internal struggle and then as I write it starts to dissipate…the power of the fear…I am trying to recalibrate and there will be days like this….

Reporting live from dumb-ass central…..

Yes, you’ve read correctly. Reporting live from dumb- arse central!

I am a dumb-arse! I am slightly smiling as I say it but a dumb-arse nevertheless. After a slightly worse day than others recently (it happens still but not as much or as bad now), I decided in all my wisdom to relax with a glass of Red and some music which is what I tend to do less frequently now because ultimately I know what the outcome will be and after so many months of struggle, learning lessons I don’t want to take the proverbial two steps back. I’ve done so well really?!

Nope. After a few glasses (it was, a nice Spanish Rioja) and not thinking about changing the Ipod from shuffle to the ‘No BS’ mix I specifically made for myself to steer myself away from songs that reminded me of ‘him’…inevitably the ‘him’ songs made their way through the speakers and I reminisced! Torturously, it was as a sneaky pleasure (!) I thought. It’s ok to think of the good things (what little there was) once in a while and fantasise about how things could have been (no chance they ever would have, but I have a vivid imagination particularly after mind-altering substances like alcohol…removes the boundaries..again I committed the ultimate act of self betrayal by emailing him.

Sad, so very sad, but true. He has to this very day stuck to his ‘no contact’ rule, so why couldn’t I? I’m only hurting myself. If he really is a Narc as I am almost certain he is and so is my Pysch then I have been succinctly relegated to the discard pile no longer part of the ‘supply’ chain. My ‘use by’ date long expired.

And by contacting him again I have shown myself to be even more damaged, neurotic and clingy than he told me I was “you need to work on yourself, let go of your dependencies, the past etc etc. I’m here, just don’t take another 30 years”.

I think the most painful part is that he was right. In the love bomb phase where I was bombarded with beautiful lines of care and pseudo love he managed to extract all that he needed to make these summary statements. His ability was astounding, or maybe not so he was playing with a very willing opponent. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and then eventually started the game of with-hold of contact and affection because he knew me so well. He would then come back for periods of a time and do it again “I can’t wait for our first night together. I will make love to you all night. I can’t wait to see you lying underneath me’.

I came to need him like I needed air. I trusted him wholeheartedly and I don’t trust easily.

Even now I can see that my actions only confirm his diagnosis. I can clearly see what I am doing wrong and yet I trip every now and then….no self control. All this therapy and back to almost square one? NOOOOO

NO WAY. Mindset.  And ‘CUE’ text from a concerned friend;

“Alcohol tends to be a catalyst for doing things you shouldn’t, r regressing of some kind.Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re only human.  And its bound to happen now and then. But maybe getting boozy solo isn’t the best idea” (us Aussies are always to the point, and reasonably laid back! Part of our charm!)

My response “Ya reckon??!!!!” “No more solo endeavours” 😦  thanks my friend.

Now, to build that bridge and get over it!

LOVE AND WHITE LIGHT….the flawed one!