I have been awake for over an hour, it happens every night and again he is who I see as soon as my eyes open. I don’t understand how I got here. How did I fall so hard that I now find myself in such pain and despair at the thought of life without him. It all plays over in my head like a continuous video of all the things that have happened as if my brain is trying to sort and make sense of the train wreck that is my broken heart.
I have pulled copies of the emails we sent to one another from our first reconnect 9 months ago. It used to thrill me to read back his beautiful words and now all it brings is immense sadness and pain but I feel as I write I am working towards somehow making sense and finding the closure that his silence and treatment when I was with him would not allow me.
Starting from the first days here is how I may have got here (his words);
“I am glad, and amazed that we have reconnected. I have to admit that I have in the past and even now as well..wonder what life would have been like if we had taken the opportunity we were given years ago, or, is the opportunity meant to be now?
I am very anxious to know what my girl has been up to the last 30 years. I also want you to know that I mean it when I say that I would always help you. Timing is everything and here we are. I am glad to hear of your trust in me, you know I would never violate that trust. I do have to be honest though, I was very much a gentleman that day in the room when we kissed. I did want to have that level of intimacy with you and I have often wondered if we did would we be together today?
What kind of fun things do you like to do, that spirited, fun, active Roz? Be glad to work alongside of you to get that Roz back. I am very active, lead a very health conscious lifestyle. Arizona weather allows for being outside all the time. Tell me about where you want to be. Tell me about what feelings you have about you and I being in touch again. Share with me your deepest thoughts, J”
At this time I was slowly weaning off antidepressants, two lots, one that was helping me to wean off the other and I was very ill in the process. His words came fast and thick at times several times a day, later that day;
“I remember your soft perfect skin and your small frame. Always made me want to be so protective of you. You can come back to that if you really want it. Remember that it is never selfish to dedicate time to yourself. And I really hope that I have another opportunity to be behind closed doors with you again. I can tell you I would still be a gentleman…while I am being a man. I have no doubt we would have made beautiful children together. We would have made a beautiful life together. I wonder why is the the plan that brought us back together?
So you asked me to share my feelings..that is something I can easily do because I am very secure knowing I am an Alpha Male. Quite simply..I want it all and I want it now. That best buddy marriage, knowing she has my back no matter what. Knowing when we are old, we will still be young. My partner to walk the rest of this road of life with. I want to see her first when I wake in the mornings and last when I sleep at night. I want to feel her skin on my skin, feel her gentle breath on the back of my neck when I sleep. Not sure I have to say much more…you understand.
I know I warm your heart, I wish you were not so far away…I wish I could touch you and kiss you right now. Tell me what you want, J.”
The words were constant and beautiful, coming within hours of each other and they wrapped me in a beautiful warm cloak which quickly became love. I had memories of this man from so many years ago that never left me. He was young smart, honest, sincere and a gentleman. He was intense to a point even then but I never expected what was to come when I finally saw him face to face again after so long. The 30 plus years had changed us both immensely. But I wondered what had happened in his life that could make him one moment so warm and loving, romantic and caring and then all of a sudden as cold as ice. Manipulative and ego-centric, cruel.
“Roz, my days now seem to start with thoughts of you and looking for your notes. Wonderful that you Phil and Louisa (my guardians when I was 16) are in touch and that they care for you. So do I and my intentions would be to to never hurt you. I am still expecting to wake up and all this not be real. But so glad it is. Let the light shine on you and I am happy that you feel life’s force again. Life is precious and a true gift. But tell me what are you slightly wary about? We do need to think about what we do with this. I believe that life is full of opportunities for those that live well. I think this is an opportunity. How could it not be? Peoples stories like this end up in magazines and TV. Why would I always remember a woman that lives 10,000 miles away, that I seen only for a short time, and not for 30 years yet I remember the things we did together as clear as if it were last month? Opportunity.
When you say its alright we don’t have to do anything just yet…sweetie that is not how I live. I take life and live it. I don’t really wait until tomorrow if I can have it today (Alpha male showing through:)).
Hearing that you feel you have already handed over your heart is a wonderful thing for you to tell me. I would always treat your heart like a precious glass egg. It’s not insanity, its a wonder of life. Some people never experience that in all their years, I can’t even imagine. Waking to you would be a joy. Love J.
A few hours later another beautifully worded email;
“Roz, this is not a dream and I won’t let anyone take it away from you..only you and I can do that. What we do with this opportunity is entirely up to us…….
I am a very romantic and passionate man with the right partner..(there was some R rated comments as we made it known how we felt about each other, then)…I have the sense that with the connection you and I have and always have had…we would be on fire in the bedroom.”
He went on to tell me about his daughters 11th birthday and the party that was coming up that weekend. About the second house in the mountains which was outdoor heaven…
“Get your health and strong body back, you will need it to keep up with me….in all ways.
Do not think I am trying to rush you, that is not how I am. Take the time you need and of course I will be patient…are you here yet?..:) (by this early stage he had already decided we needed to be together, pronto)
A work in progress huh..babe, I think you just need to get away from the funk. To live a different life, to see a different life and to see it with a man that captures your heart. After all, that is the true meaning of life.
Tell your friends that you and I have a connection that lasted over 30 years. That connection lived deep down and now it has awakened again. I am glad they care for you, but not like I have. (I had asked him in my previous letter if he was a bit of a lad as at times his words were so unbelievable the first warning bells had started and he responded;)
What does a bit of a lad mean? Hopefully not like a player because that is not me. I was married for 16 years (this was prior to his not marrying his daughters mother) and never once thought about being with another woman. I would never risk a good relationship for sleeping with some bimbo one night. I’m a much smarter man that that.
So yes I will tell you something good…damn good..amazingly good…US…..J”
A few hours later;
“Good evening beautiful woman, it’s 9pm for you. I have to sit here and type…but should really be walking into the bedroom, see you sleeping so peacefully, slide into bed with you, feel your soft skin next to mine, and…
I am glad I take your breath away and make you sit on the edge of he bed completely out of depth for the first time in your life. I think you are learning that these things happen when a relationship is real, when feelings run deep. It touches your soul. I want to be the fire, that explainable thing you feel in the center of your chest. The feeling of real. You are coming to know real. You wished for your match…now what do you plan to do with it?
So when you write to me and have to stop, where do you go? There is so much more I need to know about you. I love how we share. I did notice that you don’t share much about your marriage. What happened? Was it not good? Don’t share if you don’t feel you want to. I suspect we had different experiences with marriage. Not a bad thing, just explains why some things are the way they are. And I want to know everything about my Roz.
Yes, I am a very romantic man when I am in a monogamous relationship…have no doubts that I know how to treat a good woman. I do want to say that I am concerned a bit about you going out and partying (at that stage I had gone to see friends one rare day which I had not done for a long time as I had been very sick) . Be safe Roz, I waited 30 years to reconnect with you. Be healthy and safe….get yourself better and start the next chapter of your life. All this did not happen for no reason. You are beginning to learn that I am your rock, your safety and stability you may not have ever had. Water this and it will grow. I know you are realising the timing of this is not coincidental. We are getting a second chance…some never even get a first chance. I am also not concerned about you talking to your friends. I am actually glad you would see what we have and be proud to share it.
I would want you to go to the mountains, go to the ocean, go on vacation and go to the store together. It’s what true partners do.
Tell me what happened on your life…what happened that put you where you are? Tell me everything sweetie…when you are ready. If you want this opportunity, you have to keep our fire alive.
Sweet dreams…With Love, J.”
I need to go back back to sleep now,…I need to rest my mind….