Walk of the EGO…miss you Ziggy..it ain’t pretty

So, I would normally fall into bed at this point of the night. I have imbibed alot (still am against my principles but my off switch tonight seems faulty but at least I am aware of it and as advised by my ‘good one’!! Long story…), alot more than intended and that should occur on a Tuesday night. BUT, I am unemployed..still, and slightly troubled and my brain is in free-fall over a number of things. As my regular readers would know.

It has been a craggy day on many levels. Being questioned by some 20 something year old recruiters who knew the secret to all the world problems and how to cure cancer (do I have an attitude? No, not moi!!). hang fire, love this, love Edith Piaf;

..on my way back on the train I met an old school friend who I had an affair with long ago even though I knew he was married and it was highly AGAINST my principles and therefore very awkward because I think he still wants more…and I WOULD NOT now again, ever ( perhaps Joe was my Karmic retribution on a massive scale?), and then when I visited my so-called new friend, who wanted to become a Facebook friend immediately, against my instincts…WTF? And then ,tonight as I visited him as he had asked me to previously issued a ‘ahh, I have a ‘friend with me right now” Oh hello, so what? I don’t want to shag you  daggy fucker even though we did once with your tiny penis, we were supposedly friends? As you requested. Head fuck or you tried to and HELLO it doesn’t work! HA!

Why do we have to immediately ‘friend’ people on Facebook?  For numbers and self satisfaction? Is it an EGO walk, hell I have 500 FB friends ain’t I the bomb…ahh sorry..DA BOMB!!  Shouldn’t  we take time to get to know each other, somewhat?

Is a fleeting experience enough?  After Joe and I, I am so anti and on guard.

A surprising upside.(.see I told you! I see upsides!)..was that as I was crying my arse off waiting the hour for the next bus from one place (in Perth our bus system is highly useless as well as other essential services so even though the city is pretty DO NOT MOVE HERE IT IS HELL) and then another hour for the next (I was prepared however with a 4 pack of rum and coconut milk), and in that time my ‘good one’ that I had denounced (the other one, Italian, cute but averse to conflict yada), had redeemed himself by talking to me almost the entire time in  caring, somewhat ‘loving’ ….dare I say it..tone…quelle surprise..and it was lovely, even though I realise the yank has made me very cynical and suspicious about most men…well it just shocked the hell out of me but I am grateful..and he actually said tonight that he knew what we had and he was grateful that we met….say what?

Anyway, speaking of what, yesterday one of my most favorite artists passed DAVID BOWIE, Ziggy Stardust, Alladin sane etc.. I guess I am still slightly freaked out by that.

I listened to his music; particularly the album ‘Diamond Dogs’

well, tape actually repeatedly as I tried to switch off from the bullshit background of my alcoholic abusive father and idiotic shrill narcissistic mother fought endlessly, relentlessly.

He was a go to…his music is timeless and will always be a part of me…RIP Mr Bowie..with love and light, always xxx

I guess I should go to bed…its late now and I am completely shamozzled…

Love and whitelight xx




The morning after…contemplation

My post last night was written in haste and tiddly haze after what was a very disappointing day. Life is full of days like that I know, but I guess the secret in life is not to expect too much and then you won’t be as disappointed.

I had that conversation with the yank, about expectations. At times we had some good conversations in our early days prior to his true colours being revealed. Or  at least my ability to witness it first hand. It takes time for someone to reveal their real self. Added to the mix is the cover of Social media, and our method of communicating these days. Alot of it is just not real or pretence disguised as real. It is so easy to pretend these days.

I think that is where I fall down. I can’t pretend to be anything other than me.

After my job interview yesterday I felt I had been as open and honest as I can be. I admitted to the interviewer that my work record in the last 2 years was a bit scattered because I had been dealing with life’s curve balls as profoundly as I could and had suffered major depression (on top of some really challenging real life issues). I don’t think that went down well even though he pulled all the right facial expressions and uttered the ‘right’ words. The thing is, it is harder to pretend when face to face. I think I read people fairly well when they are in front of me, it is intuitive.  I am well qualified for the job, in fact he seemed concerned it might be a bit too basic with no chance of moving up. But to me work is work, I am at a different point in my life.

Then I went to meet the man I’ve been dating. He asked me the day before but I wanted to prepare for the interview, go to the gym and just have a good nights sleep. He messaged me alot with the dumbest jokes, it was as if he needed to keep talking to me, but I was trying to cook dinner so I said I would see him the next day. So as planned I met him at the Pub we met at originally. He works hard physically and then goes to the pub nearly everyday after. Or drinks at home. I hadn’t realised initially that was how it was going to be and when it dawned on me the reality saddened me. He is an alcoholic. He doesn’t care what he is doing to himself, he even said so and when I tried to talk with him about it he would argue that I was being judgmental. Apparently he was starting to feel like I was judging him about everything. It seemed as if he wasn’t feeling stimulated unless he was arguing. I won’t do that. It’s a waste of time.

So after several drinks he insisted on going home to his house and continuing there. Once there, it was on again. So I packed up and walked out. Seems like  a common theme to me lately. I walked out on the Yank in Arizona after flying half way around the world to see him (his behaviour was unacceptable too, but not alcohol fuelled, just narcissistic manipulative games). I think both of them thought I would participate in their games and crap. NO. Hell no.

So back to the drawing board. If I give up on love it will be a sad and lonely life. Love is the thing and I do believe in it wholeheartedly. It will come. The right person is near I feel it, and when it’s right, it’s right. FAITH.

Love and white light xx

Beyond it all..6 months on…I can hear Barbara!! hahaha

It occurred to me today that  it has been exactly 6 months since I got off the plane from my heartbreaking trip to the U.S and when I think about how devastated yet numb I was that day I still sometimes think…my god..did it really happened that way. Was that person really someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and held so high that I thought he could walk on water?

How could I have been so naive and fall for months of BS? The quick and lethal buildup; “This is our second chance, some people never even get a first”, “There is a reason we are here, lets take this chance now…I am not the kind that waits we need to do this now” “Can I tell you something? I LOVE YOU” (said in the 2nd week of our reconnect over the phone in a 2 hour phone conversation), “I am not comfortable with not speaking over the weekend; call me at 1pm your time” (said when I wanted to give him a break over a weekend because I knew he was having a party for his daughters birthday so I said we would speak on the Monday but he was having none of that and continued to message me through the ‘party’, if there really was one “The party feels naked without you” “I miss my hostess being by my side” “We should be doing this together, I imagine us doing everything together”) YADA YADA….

Sadly, there is so much more, that can’t be conveyed in these posts it was full on and fast and thick. IT WAS LIES, and manipulation crafted by a sociopathic narcissist whom I actually believe that he believed every word coming out of his mouth at that point in time…the classic first phase “Idealization” where they put you on a pedestal, make you the centre of their world, are in contact frequently showering you with praise and flattery and telling you you are so connected in so many ways, soul mates even….I remember Joe even said a number of times “Oh that’s so weird, did we just do that? We wrote to each other at the same time, so far across the water and yet”

I FELL FOR IT, ….HOOK… line and massive sinker in the end…!

I can laugh about it now, and I actually do. The pain is gone but it is replaced by embarrassment but only temporarily because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this ‘out of body’ situation. And I feel very sorry for the numbers of people not just women but men too who live for years in the crazy hell that is a narcissists world of “Idealization, devalue and discard” and in many cases horrific long term psychological abuse and very possibly physical too and many who stay in that hell for 20, 30 years….my god. I got off lightly.

As quoted by the blog the Thought catalog one of thousands of well written blogs of experience in this phenomenon;

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

And the lessons I have learned from it make it so worthwhile. It forced me to take a long hard look at my life. The depression that followed was tough. The first I had survived without medication in nearly 2 decades and I am so damn proud of myself for that. Grateful that my spirit never waned for very long although it threatened to.

It is hard for many to understand how it is difficult to ‘let go’ when you go through this type of experience. Unless you have been there I guess you never will. But, once through it and as a survivor it brings with it many wonderful things you learn about yourself and a strength you never thought you had. But I do have a slightly ‘crazy’ side to me and in a weird way I allow it out every now and then…to play…to entertain myself…sometimes I make up a more positive scenario where it was all some silly mistake and we find our way back to each other again…third time lucky! Yes, I know….don’t say it…think it, but don’t say it!

I still have days when I feel him. I still write to him (I know..in every instance you are told ‘no contact’ is the only way) but I know he doesn’t read my emails anyway (they probably go to spam, but they do go and are not ‘blocked’ as such) and in a sense I get to tell him what I feel and in some crazy way it helps. I even called him again the other day, in a drunken stupor, heard that caramel voice (yes I have a sick obsession with his voice) and left a phone message which I am sure he listens to and gets some weird thrill from the fact that I still seem under his spell. And he is controlling me without having to do anything…and from what I saw when I was with him…he LOVES CONTROL.

I sometimes wonder if this is the same as the sick world of bondage, discipline and masochism where people get a thrill out of being tied up and whipped, are yelled at and spoken down to and they love it, it excites them sexually. I remember watching a documentary on that crazy world on tele one day…there are whole industries around it and other ‘out there’ behaviour. I guess as long as you are not hurting anyone and there is mutual consent, why not if you are that way inclined.

So 6 months on…I hear Barbara “Memories…light the corners of my mind, misty watered coloured memories..of the way we were…..”….:)



Perschonkered and the bullshitometer…!

Oh hell, I shouldn’t be writing this right now. I am officially pershonkered (pissed..drunk..depends on where you are!!)..Yes its midweek! Yes it’s 9.30pm..I got a good start and it was not my intention. AND only 15 minutes ago I made a call to America..WHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING?

But it was a little….ahhh bejesus..a song that that DEMON fuckhead bastard c..tface (forgive me lord but when I am angry at someone….) made as part of a tape years ago for me. I do, like the songs. It reminded me and I felt the need to say, I am sad about what happened and HAVE A GOOD FUCKING LIFE YOU SHITHEAD BASTARD, well, I did say have a good life!

I am sitting here scratching my head , there is so much I could say, but, well at least I must say; there are some wonderful things happening at present and yet, inevitably when you put your faith in human beings they let you down…c’est la vie!

So, irrespective of the f..n crap…I have managed to find a nice man and we are sorting and getting to know each other right now. We have had several dates in a very short space in time, it’s been practically every second day, the most amazing and wahoo dates…wining dining great conversation, surprising mutual interests yadda and in between he messages me good morning and good night etc, manages to tell me he is thinking of me…until today…

Today, is the first day out of several, many, and my head straight away goes into the mode that it has a set pattern for; he is out of reach…withdrawing…you need to grasp…attach…fear, freak out he is leaving you because you are not worthy, you never have been, lasting conditioning of the past. CONDITIONING

It wasn’t until I read another of my psychology books..Susan Anderson, Taming the Outer Child and the chapter about relationships that she reminded me that those of us who have been blessed (!) with experiences of abuse, psychological, narcissistic, physical and other wonderful pieces of crap in our lives develop neural pathways and rehearsed responses and reactions to new similar stimuli and we react according to those experiences. It takes awareness..to move forward and out of that.

I fully believe for example that Joe, being the very intelligent cerebral narcissist that he was knew exactly who he was dealing with and what he was doing and he psychologically got me at the right time, and I trusted him because of  a past belief, experience of him. I have always been considered a reasonably intelligent woman, not quite Mensa, but street wise on top of clever, smart. But that fucker got into my mind and he knew what he was doing.

And because of the legacy of that raving fucking Narcissistic bastard and past history it totally fucked me..until recently…UNTIL…recently

So I met this ‘lovely’ man. It has been an amazing time in such a small space in time, he has been like a gift and totally reminded me that there are good men out there, and good relationships…well…so far…

But I have to say, I now have a built in BULLSHitometer and I can’t help but be cynical..learnt responses that we need to be aware of to move forward.

Is that Joe and others legacy, do I allow that BS to dictate my future

I haven’t heard from this beautiful man today..only one day out of so many that he has shown me his thoughts about me, his care and respect.

I have also come to realise that when a man wants to be with you he will make that next date, book that time or try, there is no such thing as mixed signals, that is just us fucking women and our BS….

So I guess, if he doesn’t come back, irrespective of his prior actions and professions….I just fucking move on, without internalising rejection….for the first time in my life?

YES…I do..it’s called self awareness and strength. The belief in yourself as a worthy and lovable human being…irrespective of your conditioning and experiences…love yourself..not narcissisticaly..just self respect and healthy self esteem..not selfies every minute of the day, just a sense of self…rising above all the crap….lovenwhitelight xx

Hear me roar…or perhaps…whimper…you are a twat now p..s off …Day 6 part 2

I know I am still not well, not happy, quite sad and still heartsick. I seem to swing between a roar and a whimper.

The constant badgering from my ex friend who in the final death throws of our friendship sent me a link from Cornell University on libel, to which my final reply was ” YOU ARE A TWAT…BUT I STILL FORGIVE YOUR SORRY ARSE….NOW PISS OFF”…

Felt good at the time, I can be a hard nosed bitch with the rest of them if I am really pushed but I don’t like it and I often feel bad about any kind of confrontation.  I find it so unnecessary most of the time…generally it stems from clash of the egos and I find it a monumentally ridiculous state that never ends well.

And I hate hurting people, it tears me up. But I will fight if I have to and I know I can be a formidable opponent. But right now…WHY NOW? I’ve lost someone I thought was a friend and everyone that you share any bit of happy times with leaves a little imprint on your life’s journey and it is to be treasured.

As the alcohol makes its way out of my system and the come down grabs hold I was right in what I said in my previous post….at that time I may just start to feel the sadness again and I am.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of Joe or more correctly not more than an hour or so still, and although yesterday I thought I was turning the corner and the hurt was turning to anger which is supposedly the next stage of the breakup process, today I just miss him and have been thinking once again about the good things that occurred.

I do need to finish writing about it all but this morning I have been thinking that I would rather do it in a more formal way and include more finer details from the many Journal entries (and thousands of emails we both wrote) I had written over the time. I recall when I had told a little of the story to friends and even strangers some were so engaged with it that there were tears in eyes and always a suggestion that I should write about it. I will. It will help me heal.

Here is not the forum, and another part of me does not want to denigrate the good memories  because good or bad any experiences we have in life is just that ….part of a life lived.

When I started this blog I said that I was at a point where I was either going down the long and dangerous path of depression or use this as a way to grow, and move my way through these current hurdles and create something really special to be shared….some days I wish this blog could speak back to me and tell me some of the answers I am so desperately seeking right now..

I remember Joe in a moment of nastiness but not altogether wrong either said when I was with him “you are 50, you should have it together by now”…First of all I am not 50 yet…in 4 days I will be 49 so I have a whole year from then to “get it together” LOL….of course I am laughing at that! And second of all, isn’t it entirely possible that not everyone “has it together” at every stage of their life and for those that do I say KUDOS to you and for the rest of us mere mortals I just wish us all a life well lived!

Joe considers he has it all together and I guess yes, he has worked hard to make his life materialistically comfortable with his 5 cars that apparently when I asked him once when I was there “What do you need 5 cars for?” to which he replied “because I don’t need 6!” quick and clever bastard!!!:) !  When you have such confidence in yourself as he does and you live totally within your concisely constructed fortress of a world for long enough you believe yourself! KUDOS to him too!!

But damn him for stomping all over my heart…something he promised (!) he would never do….and I believed him…..back later…..

It’s 3am..how did I get here..his words of love

I have been awake for over an hour, it happens every night and again he is who I see as soon as my eyes open. I don’t understand how I got here. How did I fall so hard that I now find myself in such pain and despair at the thought of life without him. It all plays over in my head like a continuous video of all the things that have happened as if my brain is trying to sort and make sense of the train wreck that is my broken heart.

I have pulled copies of the emails we sent to one another from our first reconnect 9 months ago. It used to thrill me to read back his beautiful words and now all it brings is immense sadness and pain but I feel as I write I am working towards somehow making sense and finding the closure that his silence and treatment when I was with him would not allow me.

Starting from the first days here is how I may have got here (his words);

“I am glad, and amazed that we have reconnected. I have to admit that I have in the past and even now as well..wonder what life would have been like if we had taken the opportunity we were given years ago, or, is the opportunity meant to be now?

I am very anxious to know what my girl has been up to the last 30 years. I also want you to know that I mean it when I say that I would always help you. Timing is everything and here we are. I am glad to hear of your trust in me, you know I would never violate that trust. I do have to be honest though, I was very much a gentleman that day in the room when we kissed. I did want to have that level of intimacy with you and I have often wondered if we did would we be together today?

What kind of fun things do you like to do, that spirited, fun, active Roz? Be glad to work alongside of you to get that Roz back. I am very active, lead a very health conscious lifestyle. Arizona weather allows for being outside all the time. Tell me about where you want to be. Tell me about what feelings you have about you and I being in touch again. Share with me your deepest thoughts, J”

At this time I was slowly weaning off antidepressants, two lots, one that was helping me to wean off the other and I was very ill in the process. His words came fast and thick at times several times a day, later that day;

“I remember your soft perfect skin and your small frame. Always made me want to be so protective of you. You can come back to that if you really want it. Remember that it is never selfish to dedicate time to yourself. And I really hope that I have another opportunity to be behind closed doors with you again. I can tell you I would still be a gentleman…while I am being a man. I have no doubt we would have made beautiful children together. We would have made a beautiful life together. I wonder why is the the plan that brought us back together?

So you asked me to share my feelings..that is something I can easily do because I am very secure knowing I am an Alpha Male. Quite simply..I want it all and I want it now. That best buddy marriage, knowing she has my back no matter what. Knowing when we are old, we will still be young. My partner to walk the rest of this road of life with. I want to see her first when I wake in the mornings and last when I sleep at night. I want to feel her skin on my skin, feel her gentle breath on the back of my neck when I sleep. Not sure I have to say much more…you understand.

I know I warm your heart, I wish you were not so far away…I wish I could touch you and kiss you right now. Tell me what you want, J.”

The words were constant and beautiful, coming within hours of each other and they wrapped me in a beautiful warm cloak which quickly became love. I had memories of this man from so many years ago that never left me. He was young smart, honest, sincere and a gentleman. He was intense to a point even then but I never expected what was to come when I finally saw him face to face again after so long. The 30 plus years had changed us both immensely. But I wondered what had happened in his life that could make him one moment so warm and loving, romantic and caring and then all of a sudden as cold as ice. Manipulative and ego-centric, cruel.

“Roz, my days now seem to start with thoughts of you and looking for your notes. Wonderful that you Phil and Louisa (my guardians when I was 16) are in touch and that they care for you. So do I and my intentions would be to to never hurt you. I am still expecting to wake up and all this not be real. But so glad it is. Let the light shine on you and I am happy that you feel life’s force again. Life is precious and a true gift. But tell me what are you slightly wary about?  We do need to think about what we do with this. I believe that life is full of opportunities for those that live well. I think this is an opportunity. How could it not be? Peoples stories like this end up in magazines and TV. Why would I always remember a woman that lives 10,000 miles away, that I seen only for a short time, and not for 30 years yet I remember the things we did together as clear as if it were last month? Opportunity.

When you say its alright we don’t have to do anything just yet…sweetie that is not how I live. I take life and live it. I don’t really wait until tomorrow if I can have it today (Alpha male showing through:)).

Hearing that you feel you have already handed over your heart is a wonderful thing for you to tell me. I would always treat your heart like a precious glass egg. It’s not insanity, its a wonder of life. Some people never experience that in all their years, I can’t even imagine. Waking to you would be a joy. Love J.

A few hours later another beautifully worded email;

“Roz, this is not a dream and I won’t let anyone take it away from you..only you and I can do that. What we do with this opportunity is entirely up to us…….

I am a very romantic and passionate man with the right partner..(there was some R rated comments as we made it known how we felt about each other, then)…I have the sense that with the connection you and I have and always have had…we would be on fire in the bedroom.”

He went on to tell me about his daughters 11th birthday and the party that was coming up that weekend. About the second house in the mountains which was outdoor heaven…

“Get your health and strong body back, you will need it to keep up with me….in all ways.

Do not think I am trying to rush you, that is not how I am. Take the time you need and of course I will be patient…are you here yet?..:) (by this early stage he had already decided we needed to be together, pronto)

A work in progress huh..babe, I think you just need to get away from the funk. To live a different life, to see a different life and to see it with a man that captures your heart. After all, that is the true meaning of life.

Tell your friends that you and I have a connection that lasted over 30 years. That connection lived deep down and now it has awakened again. I am glad they care for you, but not like I have. (I had asked him in my previous letter if he was a bit of a lad as at times his words were so unbelievable the first warning bells had started and he responded;)

What does a bit of a lad mean? Hopefully not like a player because that is not me. I was married for 16 years (this was prior to his not marrying his daughters mother) and never once thought about being with another woman. I would never risk a good relationship for sleeping with some bimbo one night. I’m a much smarter man that that.

So yes I will tell you something good…damn good..amazingly good…US…..J”

A few hours later;

“Good evening beautiful woman, it’s 9pm for you. I have to sit here and type…but should really be walking into the bedroom, see you sleeping so peacefully, slide into bed with you, feel your soft skin next to mine, and…

I am glad I take your breath away and make you sit on the edge of he bed completely out of depth for the first time in your life. I think you are learning that these things happen when a relationship is real, when feelings run deep. It touches your soul. I want to be the fire, that explainable thing you feel in the center of your chest. The feeling of real. You are coming to know real. You wished for your match…now what do you plan to do with it?

So when you write to me and have to stop, where do you go? There is so much more I need to know about you. I love how we share. I did notice that you don’t share much about your marriage. What happened? Was it not good? Don’t share if you don’t feel you want to. I suspect we had different experiences with marriage. Not a bad thing, just explains why some things are the way they are. And I want to know everything about my Roz.

Yes, I am a very romantic man when I am in a monogamous relationship…have no doubts that I know how to treat a good woman. I do want to say that I am concerned a bit about you going out and partying (at that stage I had gone to see friends one rare day which I had not done for a long time as I had been very sick) . Be safe Roz, I waited 30 years to reconnect with you. Be healthy and safe….get yourself better and start the next chapter of your life. All this did not happen for no reason. You are beginning to learn that I am your rock, your safety and stability you may not have ever had. Water this and it will grow. I know you are realising the timing of this is not coincidental. We are getting a second chance…some never even get a first chance. I am also not concerned about you talking to your friends. I am actually glad you would see what we have and be proud to share it.

I would want you to go to the mountains, go to the ocean, go on vacation and go to the store together. It’s what true partners do.

Tell me what happened on your life…what happened that put you where you are? Tell me everything sweetie…when you are ready. If you want this opportunity, you have to keep our fire alive.

Sweet dreams…With Love, J.”

I need to go back back to sleep now,…I need to rest my mind….

Life beyond him…A crossroads….

This blog is about Love and romance, loss, struggle, strength and courage and an ongoing journey as I find my way out of currently what feels like a point where I can either sink back into the black abyss of depression and medication or fight my way back to the strength I worked so hard to obtain only a year ago. My ongoing journey…..perhaps my “Eat, Pray, Love” experience!!!

I am starting this blog both as an informative reach out to others who have felt absolute crushing, demented, painful heartbreak at a time when you thought you had been given the most wonderful gift in the world ‘True, everlasting love’, finally at a time in your life when you thought it would never come…when you reached a crossroads…a time you felt it was meant to be…plus eventually a source of help and strength and maybe something else marvelous to come from it…that I can share….because that is what life is about, sharing and community….although at this point I have never felt so alone….

The children have grown, you think you have reached a beautiful point in life after much struggle personally, healthwise, financially.  You’ve risen above some of the most excruciating of life’s challenges; years of depression, a child you were told was going to die within 5 years of diagnosis from an incurable but ridiculous disease that takes years as you watch the quality of life disintegrate slowly (but he is still here and almost 21 years old), bankruptcy. almost fatal car accident,  the list goes on…. only to find the person who in my case was magically brought back into my life after 30 years apart and halfway around the globe where it looks like the perfect end to a beautiful and romantic love story is not who you think he is and behaves in such a bewildering inexplicable way…. you feel you may never love again…ever…never want to.


I am sitting in bed. I have just spent two weeks in and out of it…in foetal position crying, sleeping and many hours just lying here wondering if I will ever feel about life the way I did up til only 3 weeks ago.

I should be at work…I simply can’t be..I can’t focus on anything for any semblance of time at the moment although somehow I feel I may be slowly working through it…right now I don’t care if I lose my job…

4 May 2015 I arrived back from what I thought was a trip that would be the most incredible time in my life.

I flew to America, Arizona to finally get to see and hold in person the man who I thought was the love of my life.

How did I come to that as some would say ‘over the top, romantic but silly’ conclusion? Here is the background;

Early 1980’s I was coming home from Highschool and the American Aircraft Carrier USS Constellation was visiting Perth (Western Australia). I was at the bus terminal about to change buses and I turned to see two guys who really looked as if they weren’t quite sure where they were going and I thought….Sailors! As a young girl I was fascinated by the promise of interesting stories and gorgeous foreign accents and one of them in particular as we caught each other’s eye made my heart skip a beat. He was handsome, dark olive skin, dark hair, amazing eyes and a captivating aura even then…I had to say hello.

His smile was amazing. I asked if they needed help at all, that they looked slightly lost. He said they were trying to work out which bus to take…and we started talking…I could not take my eyes away from him…even his voice mesmerized me.

There was an immediate connection. I was only 16 and he was early twenties. We spent a number of days together whilst the ship was in, at one stage he visited my house and asked my then guardians permission to take me out. I still have photos of us together at that time people look and say how good we looked together even then.  Our time together was amazing and one day after a lovely day out I went back to his hotel room with him and we kissed as he leaned back against the wall and I could feel he wanted me….I knew it but was so innocent and I saw him see the shock in my eyes at feeling his want for me he stopped and said “no, don’t worry, we are not going to do that” and with that promptly pulled himself together and put me a little distance away and said ‘You are not ready for that. We can wait…’  the control it must have taken because the want from both of us was very strong….he was….a gentleman. I was both relieved and very disappointed….I was so sad when the ship went out, but we continued to write each other for a long time.

He wrote often, sent photos and beautiful jewelry and a made a tape of songs that I played until it fell apart!. We spoke on the phone occasionally, he always updated me on where he was.  He expressed his affection and a wish to come back to me and Perth to live but I as a very young girl and did not have the same level of focus as he and I went on with my life more so than he did at that time. At one stage I had taken off to another state, even overseas and he managed to keep track of me through my guardians whom he had made friends with and kept in touch. They liked him very much and hoped we would somehow find our way back to each other.

One letter I still have he wrote to me whilst waiting to go in to class at college, which he was doing at night and working during the day. I think he had left the Navy by then. He wrote “I hope that all this effort I am putting into college will pay off in the end”, “can you send me some more photos, I have one of you in my wallet that is worn from taking it out to look at and putting it back in”, “I know I will be back when Australia defends the cup (the Americas cup) in 86 or 87, I just have to be patient, our time will come”, “Please stay in touch Roz, for a while there I thought we had lost touch for good and I have to say it was not a nice feeling at all”….

After a while I guess it was too serious for me to contemplate and would take too long so I went on with things. But I never completely forgot him…ever. As the years went by every now and then I would see the photos of us and wonder….

I last heard from him almost 4 years after the ship had gone but had pretty much done quite a bit over those years and he finally stopped writing.

30 plus years later and after both having been through divorce and a lifetime of differing experiences, I was at what I thought was finally a turning point. I was coming through a blinding bout of depression, had been suicidal…my sons were now older (my eldest still ill but in a type of remission) had left and were living at their fathers and there was just me with time to finally deal with me.

I had made the decision that after years of secretly struggling and many years on the anti depressant roundabout from which not one Doctor had ever suggested I take a break from, I made the choice to wean off them and see what life could be like un-blinkered and medically unassisted.  I was very sick as I was coming off them and the story I will tell in another post but for now…Joe and I.

The first week I started to wean I was also when able trying to put my own consulting business together slowly. On the days I was well enough I would read and research and slowly started to create my own wordpress website and read up about SEO and the like which was not second nature to my generation (I was 47 at the time).

I joined up that marvelous business networking site Linkedin and was browsing peoples names I knew from years ago as a curiosity and I browsed Joe.  I saw that he had done OK and his time at Uni had paid off and was pleased for him. There was an old familiar feeling of sadness when I looked at his photo…he was still so handsome to me but had obviously aged and I wondered how his life had been.

I didn’t realise it at the time but as a premium account holder he could see who had browsed him and after a couple of days I received a request to connect from him. I was in shock but I accepted straight away and then it took a few days for either of us to make a move. I found the email address and so I wrote a short hello and how wonderful to see you on here email. He wrote back pretty much immediately and said that he had been in shock when he saw my view of his account and that after a little while he had realised that he had never really forgotten me. I wrote and said the same and within a couple of days we were emailing each other several times a day. And then we talked on the phone for over two hours and it was amazing.

He said how wonderful it was that we had reconnected and had been given this second chance and that we must do something with it….that it had not happened for no reason. He told me he was there for me to be by my side and bring me out of my illness and back to the Roz he knew I could be and true to his word for weeks he wrote and talked me through some tough times. He also encouraged me to exercise…said if I was going to be with him I would have to be fit, healthy and strong to keep up! So I refocused on life, a life with him and worked hard to get fit and strong again.

A couple of weeks into our constant talking and love and care, one day in the midst of a phone call, we had been speaking for at least an hour he said “can I tell you something?” I said “Yes of course” and he said “I Love you”. I was nicely surprised and overwhelmed but immediately blurted back that I loved him too…I did…I still do. The impact from him uttering those three perfect words I had never ever felt before in my life and doubted I ever would again. It made perfect sense to us the timing and the reconnect. What had been missing in my life all these years was this man who never really went completely from inside of me, from a young girl of 16.

In honesty it was not a smooth ride the last 9 months of us writing constantly and the occasional phone calls. Admittedly, I tried to pull away a few times as I was recovering because I found it so hard to be so far away and as that wore him out he would pull away for a while but would always come back when I asked him.  And it was not always my fault for trying to end it. He would not write and started to become less clear about what was happening with him that I would feel ‘my god is this worth it?’. The answer was always ‘yes’. I knew in my heart I deeply loved this man and the effort was well and truly worth it. But the tyranny of distance and time was coming between us yet again.

Our initial months of communicating were fervent and initially he said he knew we had to do what it took to bring our lives together, that with him is where I was meant to be and he wanted it immediately. But I was still unwell and there were things I needed to tie up and sort before I could move to be with him and over time he grew impatient and started to put in doubts.

He would repeatedly say “I just wish I had brought you back with me 30 years ago and given you the life you deserved”, which became a haunting repetition about the 30 years that we had missed together and every time he said it it made me sad and I could not believe how often he repeated it. What was the point? It didn’t happen that way for whatever reason.

His demeanor would change from engaged and how wonderful it will be when we first make love to how he did not know how to do this long distance thing and how were we going to do this. At one point his busy job became extremely busy and high pressure he had told me he was very busy but I had no idea just how so until I went to see him because he just could not communicate it. This man who wrote the most amazing letters years ago and in the beginning of our reconnect, who could very succinctly say what he needed to had all of a sudden stopped communicating and it was me then who would write almost daily because I felt I was losing him a second time and I was not prepared to do that. He had become a Exec for a large tech company on the West Coast of the States and he was working remote and was Managing a team worldwide plus co parenting a young daughter he had out of wedlock at a late age (she is 12 this year, he never married her mother) and the gravity of that I guess I did not quite get until I saw it for myself.

But that in itself was not where it all went wrong….I need to rest now. Recounting the good parts whilst writing this made me feel we were still in that place of hope and promise which I now know will never be and knowing that drains and still hurts incredibly. I will finish the Roz and Joe story next….But I need to cry now….