Was a very dark day yesterday. After I posted my piece I lay in bed sobbing. I felt wretched. I literally felt like everything was leading to a kind of death. And once the tears slowed I lay there in complete exhaustion. I spent a good part of the day sleeping. It was better than the nothingness scattered with thought chaos.
At those times most would recommend that I have far too much time on my hands to think and therefore I should just get on with it. Ignorance is pure bliss. Oh to be ignorant.
Later in the day I started to read about many things trying to make some sense of my inner torture. I have no choice right now I had a call from my psych’s office telling me that after just one appointment last week, my first finally accepting help, they have messed this weeks appointments up and have no room for me and that she is then taking 2 weeks leave.
My first session was draining but helpful and I left feeling hopeful and now once again, a letdown. I can’t help but feel that my life is series of letdowns. Joe my most recent huge letdown. Yes, I was back to thinking about him today it never seems to end its like my mind is trying to make sense of what happened still and I am constantly battling with it to try shut those thoughts of him out but to no avail. His tactic has succeeded in holding me prisoner in the realm of no answers…
. I woke feeling as if there was just something he was not telling me or didn’t tell me and that it has been left for so long now it’s just too late. But that is just my mind, my ego trying to make it sound like I held some importance in his life when the truth is probably more that he just did not give a shit. Full stop.
It’s not just him, this situation with him is like a metaphor for the dark night existential crisis I seem to be wading in.
As I said yesterday the only thing that could silence these thoughts and feelings are mind numbing drugs or alcohol but I no longer feel that is the way out. This shit is going on for a reason surely.
I keep referring back to the Dark night experience, it somehow resonates.
Eckhart Tolle (https://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011) explains his thoughts on the Dark night of the soul like this:
“The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.” I have read many of Eckhart Tolle’s books including “A New Earth” and “The Power of Now” and find people such as he to be amazing individuals who seem to have somehow evolved past the ego and self importance, yet have alot to share.
There are many other web pages and blogs devoted to growth and experience of the dark night. As I read people’s own experience with it I feel I am not alone or going mad and I had always felt this was not quite depression but I could not explain it.
One article explained that you have 4 such Dark night processes where the fourth results in dropping all identification, physical death and transformation. It is as alarming as it is a wonderful fascinating alternative to our life and spiritual processes.
I am trying to find my way out of the nothingness and meaninglessness. Today is a better day because at least I am searching for meaning. One day at a time.