Slim pickings…humanity

I’ve been at a loss about how to approach a myriad of things on my mind lately; relationships and dating in middle age (god I hate that classification), depression, life’s struggles, and crazy occurrences. I’ve missed writing my blog regularly, but I’d made a conscious decision not to for a little while because I caused offence to certain persons and that was not my intention. This blog was created for me and my journey and writing real life as a catharsis.

But as it turned out, being public and curiosity getting the better of people my blog was being ‘read’ and some were not very impressed at times! Some, I couldn’t give two hoots about that being the case but others I do care about.

So I have made the decision to retire certain persona for good out of new found understanding and respect.

I’ve read some funny things about dating mid life recently, I guess I was curious taking into account my shenanigans over the last few years. And when I hit 50 and I saw that most of my friends had managed to find a partner and I was still without something good and solid I started to think “my god, I am going to become a crazy cat lady, alone, die alone and they will eat my bones because there will be no one around who actually gives a flying fig” cue violins…bring out the Stradivarius…

And then I snapped out of that.

I am who I am. I like what I like and do what I do (yes sometimes spontaneously and without proper thought) and dont think I should have to apologise for being me. Left of centre and currently without said felines.

I’ve been researching for a possible book or article and also to assuage my curiousness about this mid life dilemma we all seem to go through at some stage and how we interact with each other and just generally the journey of finding love at this time in our lives.

I have noticed that women my age seem to become invisible to men on dating sites who even though they themselves are galloping towards 60 seem to list their preferred partners age at a minimum of 10-15 years younger so in essence their search will exclude attractive and intelligent women like me (LOL) who don’t look or act their age (well I do sometimes!)  ie many mid 50’s men are looking for women in their 30’s or even early 40’s may be considered and won’t even look at someone their own age unless they have a mommy complex where they do look for someone slightly older because they need a ‘nurse with a purse’.

I am here to tell you, unless you have wads of cash in your wallet and are able to sustain a hard on you boys will rarely get a look insee! I see the sheer numbers of hopefuls who state they are a ‘young’ 55 par example. But I sincerely wish you luck!  Then again paradoxically there are some young women who are looking for fatherly figures…;)

The irony is that even though many women are also overlooked and referred to as hormonal and crazy at our age (admittedly partially true) and carrying le baggage,the fact is alot of men this age are absolutely and irrevocably bat shit crazy themselves and going through their own mid life crisis often completely blind to the fact!

It’s hilarious!

It’s hilarious and frustrating. These are some slim pickings I’m afraid!

And what bamboozles me more is that I often find young men are in absolute awe of us young and vibrant looking (!!!) 50’s women and we knock them back because we don’t want to be seen as ‘cougars’ or worse yet MILFS (I bet some aging impotent middle aged male Ad exec coined that phrase trying to be a smart arse).

So the dating dilemma continues. A friend of mine said the other day and he has known me since I was in my late teens “it is going to take someone really special and different to be able to match you. You are unique”. I looked at him quizzically and didn’t know whether to thank him or hit him!  Arrrgghh. I dont have the energy for this dance at present. Well, today at least.

I spent precious time with my dear sons yesterday, my eldest seeming to struggle to stop the jerking movements that have resurfaced as the botox shots start to wear off and his tongue protruding out of his mouth stopping him from being able to talk and eat properly. (To recap; my eldest son has a rare neuro-degenerative disease N.B.I.A and it has progressed more rapidly this year sadly). There were times I thought he would jerk out of his wheelchair or tip it and some sad ignorant woman decided to pass comment on him controlling his tongue. It happens alot. Many do not understand. How could they.

But his brother and I managed to make him laugh (even that is becoming a choking risk now) with our mother-son comedy routine. Its those times that I cherish the most. Limited but they give me the greatest sense of peace.

After they left the restaurant I took myself out for a few drinks because I needed to numb the feeling that I just wanted to cry and at the same time scream ; ‘why is this happening to my boy?’ (I know we are not alone in tragedy in this world and there is worse but I cant help it).

Unfortunately, after many drinks I did find myself crying on the long train journey home and yet a lovely young man (probably my son’s age) came up to me and asked if I was OK and asked if he could give me a hug and said ‘I am here to talk to if you need to’. I was so grateful for his humanity and kindness, there is still some out there. But I was also mortified at my public display of pain. Its unusual because I usually do that in the privacy of my asylum.

I guess that is why I focus so much on love. It distracts me from the profound sense of loss I feel so deeply lately. But I need to pull myself out of it. Get on with life in the best way I can.

I think an afternoon of good music and wine is in order. Love and whitelight xx

Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

Blast from the past…taking time out

Life is strange. The twists and turns that make it so unpredictable.

I woke this morning to a ‘ping’ sound, the message notification from FB Messenger. I have to admit I was very surprised by who it was. The beauty of Facebook and other forms of media these days is that people can find you. I guess writing a public blog pretty much puts it out there too! Yikes.

A number of years ago when I was living in Sydney I met an American (Yes, yet another one! Yank 3!!) whom I saw for a little while and it was quite an interesting time to say the least. Ultimately, he had to fly back to the states because his son was still young enough that he needed to be accessible to him and he was still quite attached to a woman he had dated for a long time. I knew that and although I liked him alot, at the end I realised we weren’t going to go anywhere anyway so I let it go.

He did make contact a few times after that but there were a few things that I had to question about him before he left and I felt it was all best left in the past.

This morning I heard from him again. The one thing I have always loved about yank men is that they can be quite damned schmaltzy and romantic. Aussie men are different. I am not going to try explain it because it usually gets the same answer ‘that’s just generalising’ and in a way I guess it is.

His opening line ‘miss you, I’m in Guam, you’re closer now’. Kind of sweet! We had a short chat and he even said ‘I nearly stayed with you in Sydney but my son was still too young and needed me’, well, that was interesting and I am not sure about that comment but it was still kind of sweet.  I know he is in Guam because when I was looking at the stats of my blog, yesterday’s had just one country and it was Guam. He’d obviously found my blog! But with this guy you’d just never know. He gets around. Sydney, Asia, Israel, Colorado, Texas, South Carolina, Wyoming…. I always seem to meet the real ‘characters’ of life. I must admit he did fascinate me. I guess the story may unfold or he may just fade into oblivion again…

Yank 2 and I had a marvelous few hours on Skype again at the beginning of the week. It was so good to talk with him. But I know he and I are only ever going to remain friends and that may fade into the distance as well sadly. But it is good to talk to him, he has a very unique perspective on things and is ultra intelligent. At times the other night I found myself thinking that I never really had a chance with this guy because he would realise eventually what a fraud I am, I, am only average intelligence and would never be able to keep up with him. I have never met anyone like him. I hope we do remain friends. He did lecture me again, about a number of things and about the way I referred to some of the guys I had dated by nationality. We had been talking about what happened with ‘the good one’ who I referred to as the Italian after I dropped TGO! He was quite serious about it and felt it was derogatory. But to me it was just names I had used to refer to these guys in my blog so that they remained anonymous, like characters in a story. No offence intended, I am not wired like that.

And then Sunday night in yet another drunken stupor, yes I had been doing it alot as I needed ‘time out’, things have been very difficult and it has been hard to hold in there. I did see my beautiful eldest son the day before and it was amazing, it was the most ‘at peace’ I had felt for a long time but it was short relatively and when he had to leave it was so tough to wave goodbye. Every time I see him now I pray it wont be the last. But the disease is doing its best….

So, as I said…Sunday in a slight alcoholic haze I decided it was a good idea to talk to ‘the good one’…OK hand up..I am certifiable, I already admitted that! But he was as he always is, willing to chat and it almost seemed as though he may have missed me (in my head maybe!) but we flirted and had a lot of fun. That kind of chemistry is usually there with us that was never really a problem. And it was left in a nice way. We may remain friends and still catch up from time to time, I guess it is open. I had found over the week or so after I closed it off with him that the amount of pain I initially felt faded fairly quickly because my mind and heart had got so used to constant battering not just from him but after Joe in particular and yes some of the same dance with TGO that I finally was able to accept him just as he is. Only a friend. One that I cherish time with, but he is probably not my ‘forever after’ also as he said to me, ironic. It made me realise what I do want in a relationship, and none of these guys have it or can give it. They all have something special and unique, I joked with yank 2 that if I could take bits of all of them and roll that into the one person I would have my perfect man! He laughed at that!

The last couple of days I have been OK. I have been OK with myself. The realisation that that is the single most important thing moving forward. Being OK with me and just me. I think I may have weathered the emotional storm and side stepped what could have been a dive back into depression…now to get my strength back and re enter the real world…

Love and whitelight xx

The existential vacuum..foolosophy

There have been many days lately when I’ve said “come on girl, get your merde together” do something, feel something, anything, just don’t lose that marvelous impetus you found more recently. That which took months to get to. Months of therapy and work on the mind body and soul, recovery, and I had honestly thought I was there…and then…

And then.

Nothing.

Somewhere I read that the existential vacuum is where a person reaches a point where they doubt that life has any meaning; a neurosis characterised by loss of interest and lack of initiative…is it that or as most doctors and psych’s would be quick to say; ‘ by george YOU ARE DEPRESSED’

And this morning I woke and it felt like ‘fuck, another day of nothingness’.

It’s weird because there is some good in my life right now. That beautiful man in Chicago with a beautiful smile, a gentle nature, an old but wonderful soul. We talk almost every day either via email or phone or skype. Not last night or this morning for the first time in a while but I know we will skype in a couple of days. With him, I just know. He has integrity. Usually I will wake and he has managed to send a thought..a few words..touch base. And this has been regular since Valentines day when we first met on a dating website. Yes I know I lambasted those blasted things but this time it may have come up with something good.

I am taking it a day at a time, more or less, somehow  we will be in each others physical presence in July, we’ve talked about it…how, at the moment I do not know considering I am not working but it will happen. It is something to aim for and look forward to. And I know this time it will be vastly different to…if you’ve read my very early posts you will know what I am talking about.

At the moment there isn’t much else. I am grateful I am alive, I must be. Some people are fighting for their lives so what right have I to squander these precious hours on this earth. My eldest son lives daily with a ticking time bomb and yet he manages to smile…what right have I to frown.

I have flown close to the edge again a few times recently but some vestige of sanity and hope keeps me afloat….just treading water to keep my head enough above the surface to get in air and if I tilt my head enough I see sunlight for a while before the clouds threaten to roll on in…

The vacuum. I am 50 in less than 2 months and I feel like the clock is ticking….and what am I doing…what can I do, what should I do; SHOULD?

This morning I read this quote ; “What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and isn’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”  From Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain..

According to whose gospel must I live? Mine or the general populus. Some would say ‘yes, she has lost the plot again’, no, I haven’t…not quite…but I am very close…

I do not know what to do with my life now. I have come to a grinding halt. I am AFRAID…afraid of what I am not doing that I should be and of doing what I should not do…analysis paralysis at its best and most damaging…

All I know is that if I stay….here….there is only nothingness. But at present I can’t see forward too far. I don’t want to leave my sons but I don’t want to stay in this funk…this sleepy one horse town of doom gloom…the longer I stay here the more likely it is I will…cease to exist…I am only merely existing now…I rarely see anyone..or go anywhere..I live too far away and everything is so expensive here. I rarely see my sons and yet being here I know I am here if they need me..what if my beautiful boy passes when I am interstate or overseas would I ever forgive myself…

I need to get my mind back to its healthy; life is worth living state..out of the vacuum…NO MEDICATION..I will not ride that treadmill I would rather die…at least I am not feeling like I want to die right now…there is a glimmer…

My beautiful man wants to read my blog (I haven’t told him what it is called, I cant right now) and I am so scared that when he does he will see the very flawed individual who at present is weak and fearful and indecisive and….tired not lack of sleep tired but mentally tired of years of worry and fighting to stay upright and do what is required of her…

I think I will just take a swig of liquid courage and leave the decisions for tomorrow…for now…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

The leap…

It has been a very trying week this last week but ultimately it resulted in change. Change is the one constant in life or so something similar was stated by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. There are certain things we wish could stay the same forever…but nothing does.

I took a very big leap this past week. I chose to take a leap most with sane head and stable lives would not have. I resigned my job. It is not the first time I have walked out of an untenable situation and knowing me it won’t be the last. But it had started to affect my health and mental well being and I had to make the tough choice. In this day here in Perth particularly the timing is not great…to say the least. Our economy and record levels of unemployment made it even foolhardy and the reaction I have had from some I have told has been what I expected.

But they have not been through what I have been through, am still going through and I took a decision to make my mental and physical health a priority. In essence, I know life is short…I am watching the life being drained out of my beautiful eldest son and everyday I wake wondering if that phone call is coming. If I dare think about it for a moment my eyes well up with tears and I feel helpless.

Only recently I went back to my so called ‘good’ doctor and after an expensive consultation the end result was what I have come to expect from most doctors; medication..

Do they dare to think that things can be overcome without it, that it takes time and effort but it can be done? No. Our reliance on chemical intervention is outrageous. Someone the other day said they had thought half the worlds population are on Anti depressants. What does that say about life and our ability to cope with it unaided.

I chose to do the hard yards. In the last 18 months I have ridden a pretty tough tsunami of emotions but whilst I have been very emotional I know that those emotions come from the fact that there is shit going on in my life that is real. Real life. And it is tough but you put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving. This coming from a person who spent 17 years on anti depressants and finally was rid if them in the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the timing sucked but when is it a good time to take a leap of faith in yourself. Nothing is ever  sure thing.

I may have committed career suicide from one perspective and at first the leap made me feel incredibly sick in the stomach and worried sick. But I know what I am capable of and that there is still a wealth of untapped ability there, we all have it but many of us chose to take the practical road where the ups and downs are not as variable and we can have some semblance of control. And that is logical. It is safer.

Even though three different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have told me I am definitely not bipolar or similar my doctor the other day chose to say that she thought I did have episodes a mild hypomania. She said “even I have times when I am hypomanic”…in my mind I was thinking ‘yes I can definitely see that!”, she is a smart and fairly dynamic woman..has what you would probably call ‘charisma’. Only yesterday I was reading in Psychology today about what it will take to be the U.S’s next President and they noted that Bill Clinton an extremely smart and charismatic man was hypomanic to an extent. If you look at many famous and successful people closely you will find there is an element of hypomanic behaviour and often it is in those times that their best work is done. It is a propellant, it moves them to do extraordinary things.

Why would I want to put a cap on that? Why would I want to stifle the ability to create something good, although I do know I need to apply it to good and not evil!:)

So this last couple of days I have been working out my next steps. Working through the fear of the future from a practical perspective and thinking about the possibility ahead of me. Possibility. Possibilities.

All roads have been leading to this point. The only limitation is the one I put on myself and if I listen to the wrong advice. But ultimately what happens next is in my hands…well mostly..

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

To medicate or not to medicate?

Like the sands through the hour glass….I sit this morning and hear the clock ticking in the hall. I sit on my bed laptop on lap…reading, contemplating. I was enjoying the peace until some twat burned down the road in his …yes…a Holden Commodore…souped up..and disturbed my inner peace which lately has been hanging by a thread anyway…and my eardrums. It is only 0930am and this idiot and his phallic rev has managed to annoy me.

I am annoyed alot lately, annoyed alot and I cry alot.

Only the other day I was at the Doctor, finally back at my regular Doctor whom I quite respected, because I could finally afford her. After a half hour visit about a few health issues and an $145 bill I came out of there with the obligatory 3 prescriptions of which only one I filled and I still have not taken the meds yet.

She has decided that since she could not cajole me into taking antidepressants again the only option for my physical and mental state was to take Hormone replacement therapy and she also threw in a script for a sedative and then an antibiotic for a lung issue I thought had cleared but apparently hasn’t after 2 lots of antibiotic anyway. I filled the antibiotic but I haven’t taken it. And there is no way I will fill the script for sedative and HRT until I am really sure it is a road I need to go down. I want to know the side effects; there is always a risk/reward ratio and if there simply is no other way to deal with everything that has been battering my troubled mind lately.

Exercise worked exceptionally well up until recently when I have not been able to get to the gym because of work…long hours and long commute which seems at present to make it impossible to get there and I am very annoyed at that because I know it would help some. I am going to go today a bit later.

I already tried to resign from my new job twice last week. 5 weeks in and the stress was mounting, the ridiculous hours; unpaid, underpaid and overlooked. Rude and unreasonable clientele and I did not want to be back in a bad situation again…after everything life is too short to be a battery hen. But they have managed to talk me out of it for now; god knows why and I will persist a while longer because at this point the alternative…no work is also untenable..but it is a horrible feeling waking up with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing what the day has in store for you and not wanting to go there but having to.

I was ready, prepared to fire on all cylinders so I thought. But issues like my ailing degenerative son and other things that I have mentioned before compounded by a job that is relentless have pushed me about as far I can go at this point. But I am sick of feeling this way and this weekend I have tried to do things that are enjoyable and relaxing, extra sleep because at present I do not sleep well and staying connected with people who are decent, and compassionate and I can talk to.

My yank; mark 2 has been a godsend. We are still just having friendly conversations but it is daily now. And they are fun and without pressure or expectation and light. We seem to have alot of common ground. He is cultured, witty, intelligent and appears to be quite sane as opposed to version 1!

He was telling me that he is going to an Oscar’s party Sunday night in Chicago..he hangs out with the bohemian arty types as he is also very creative and has been involved in some interesting projects and things and I envied that in wonderful places like Chicago, and the the states you can do those things; the people, the venues, the events the options….ah yes, options…

Perth is limited that way. As much as this is a beautiful city and things are improving it still has a hell of a way to go. Cue crickets  and prickly bushes….and nothing…

It is not surprising that many who live here and are able to high tail it out of the country at every chance they get! Many Perthites go to Bali, it is cheap, cheaper than here and many feel at home there. It is enough of a cultural experience for the uncultured…

I am perhaps exaggerating a tad but I have never felt the spirit in this city as I have many others like Sydney and particularly in the states. But I don’t think may places can beat our beaches, that I will say.

Every time I think about my options at present I drift away to the things I want to do knowing that it is impossible right now. I may take a trip to the states later this year as I have discussed with my friend. And also one of my dear friends is leaving Perth for good soon and moving with her husband to Seattle in the US and I so envy her and I am going to miss her. So I will kill 2 birds on that visit and it at least gives me a little something to look forward to.

But in the meantime…the mire…to medicate or not to medicate…I fought so hard to do without and have done so for over 18 months now. I really do not want to go there…even HRT. But I really wish someone could give me some good reliable advice on it…

Ultimately…I guess I will go with my gut. That thing I did not trust for so long but more recently started to pay attention to…we’ll see

Love and whitelight xxx

F#^&$ Valentines Day…hamster wheel again

OK. I know this won’t be popular with all those loved up couples and googly eyed girlies who think they will be lucky enough to get a Rose this year, but me;”frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!” to quote Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. The frequent bombardment of marketing, ads and sickly sentiment everywhere makes me want to VOMIT in technicolor.

Buy a Pool we will colour the water red as a Valentine day’s special, Special sale for Valentine’s day…kiss my arse you stupid idiots I am not going to buy anything that has ‘on special for Valentines Day’ on it. Crock of merde! (French for sh.t!)

DO THEY REALISE THAT NOT EVERYONE FINDS THIS DAY INTERESTING??? Or exciting, and it is also the one day that if your self esteem is under the floor you feel even more like shit! Fuck that crap….royally….

I am sorry for my foul language and negativity but it really gets my goat…ARRRGGGHHH!

I shall now descend from my soapbox.

Possibly in disgrace for not believing in this butterflies and unicorns day tomorrow..arrgghh..yet again..

Could be where I am right now. Back on the Hamster wheel of life. Groundhog day etc etc. Midlife existential crisis, hormonally fluctuating like bitch!

And damn it I have been so good and positive and much stronger than I have been for years recently but as my last post said there are still challenges around me but I am getting so damn tired of it all and when I think of my beautiful son and what he is going through and the plight of many others I keep saying to myself when I am in whinge mode; YOU NEED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.you have food, shelter, a job, good friends even though they are scarce alot of the time because their own lives are busy, sons you love dearly etc and as I said alot of first world problems but by god I felt weak this week.

And I need to let it out. I can’t talk to people because they are probably sick of hearing negativity, we all are…and even my regular blog readers will read this and go uggghh..that wasn’t worth reading..but this log is still my cathartic outlet…I need it right now…I WILL not descend into depression EVER again…NOT AN OPTION….

Now for the hamster wheel;  my sons deteriorating health; a photo was sent to me whilst I was at work of him sleeping on a couch, exhausted and where I could see his tongue stuck out of his mouth because he can no longer control it and it gets in the way, his arm and hand no longer useful legs and feet starting to curl inward, fading and skinny from not being able to eat properly now..it is….devastating even though I knew it was coming…trying to focus on my new job because I need to earn a living in this goddamn expensive city and move closer to the city so I can be at hand for him and my other son but trying to save the money for bond and rent in advance and moving costs to get my things out of storage..of which the cost is expensive, work days long including a 3 hour total commute and feeling exhausted after as I have had pain in my right lung when I breathe (my right lung is scarred from 2 bad bouts of pneumonia and am a bronchial asthmatic) and a chest infection/virus but I must go to work, must persist…keep my job in this bad economy and to move forward. Every morning on the bus and train in I fight to not think about my son and hold back tears of frustration and sadness, but I know I can not stuff up my work chances again after the last 2 years. I have been doing well at work funnily enough. The frustration of not being able to go to the gym, which has been my absolute saviour for my health and mind because of this lurgy. The disappearance of my period and the related hormonal crap and I know and understand I am going through the change hence my inability to hold back tears at times…those bloody hormones…but exercise helps…arrrgghhh

I so wanted to drink several Martinis last night but I am on strong antibiotics so that would be counter productive…oh my god, a nanosecond of ‘thinking straight’ in the midst of everything…amazing..sleep patterns fucked up because of hormones and external stresses…AYE CARUMBA..there is more, much more but I can’t be bothered now;

even I am tired of reading it!

And then last but not least, it has taken 2 weeks to finally stop thinking about the loss of the “good one” yet another failed relationship of sorts with no prospects in sight (and intermittent thoughts of the yank debacle still because there is no one else in sight probably or maybe he will always be there and the dream I thought was to be us still lingers in the background even though I know now it was never real…he did not mean a thing he said…narcissists don’t and it took a long time for my hearts scars to cover over) but with all of it why should I want it.  Even the dating site has gone quiet on me..which is kind of a relief at the moment but then this FUCKING VALENTINES DAY TOMORROW reminds me that the last time I got roses and spent time on Val Day with someone I really cared about was 1984 and I feel miserable and cranky again….WTF?!?!

Breathe….or try to without pain. Eat some Lindt Dark chocolate. Center. Rest. Be calm and know that the universe will provide…….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Vulnerable, real, raw…Peter Pan syndrome..

I am not quite right yet where he is concerned, I am no longer embarrassed to say it in public..some days still..but rarely now… I talk a good game but every now and then the mad-person comes out and I have to do certain things to get my mind back to where it should be. Perhaps it is that I have too much time on my hands, have lost confidence after so many ‘no’s’ with jobs.   And the men I have dated bar one have been a great disappointment I no longer can be bothered with them, particularly those closer to my age or in their 50’s; they all seem to have Peter Pan syndrome! (And they talk about us women at menopause age?!!)

And other things in my life seem so totally out of my control that it saps my strength…for a window in time. I have no sounding board lately as I have found that friends that I have called and wanted to be able to speak to have not even bothered to phone or message me back. I guess they have had enough or it just makes them uncomfortable or they are just too busy, it is that time of year. I am always introspective this time of year. And as I wrote yesterday I regularly covet solitude anyway.

Out of sheer boredom this weekend my mind has been doing somersaults (nothing seems stimulating enough, nothing at all) and once again I found myself thinking about the yank narcissist endlessly. There is so much else I could be doing or thinking about and yet there he was again all of a sudden and that familiar tug and wondering why things unfolded as they did..yes it still happens and I am writing about it today because it is better out than in. I am OK with my flaws, I own them. When I try to work out why the thoughts of him come back and haunt me as strongly as they do after longer times of no feeling about it the only thing I can think of is that he was the source that opened me up..left me so bereft and so vulnerable and the months that followed after he demolished my heart were like an opened wound that not only festered but was riddled with disease that I never knew was there and it all came seeping out…and right now I need a course of ‘antibiotics’ as the infection has not quite cleared….

I’ve done everything, I thought, to prevent it..feeling this way. So why? Why is his face still so clear in my mind and why do I ruminate over what happened on these days and just can’t let it go. What is it about him? At one stage when I was there it wasn’t so much that he had shut down on me I remember thinking why don’t I feel anything for him right now in this moment? And the only thing I could put it down to was shock. At that time I was walking around numb…I couldn’t work out what had gone wrong and I had no way of gauging what was going through his head because he simply would not not discuss anything…it was the most bizarre thing. In a normal situation you would discuss or react…he just shut down and yet he did not want me to go out..to the shops (which I inevitably did) or walking even it seemed, it was as if he wanted me there he just would not communicate with me. I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he never gave me or us a chance to even though it was me that walked out after so many days of deadlock…

Months have passed, I had months of depression, ultimately committed career suicide because of it all, constant psychotherapy and yes my strength has come back more and stronger than ever in a very long time but these days like this weekend and today…I feel vulnerable.

I know that after Christmas and the New Year eventually work will pick up and when I am busy again it won’t give me the time to think as much. I just wish it was now…I should love it but I hate this time of the year lately. I look back at this time last year and he and I were constantly talking and he was being really surprisingly bold even saying things like “you should look at buying us a house in Perth, we can use that as a holiday house, how much are they?”, he was flirting up a storm and I was loving every minute of it. Maybe he was lonely then and entertaining himself and a crazy part of me wonders if he is the same this year, and if he has even thought about me? He doesn’t deserve my love, thoughts or energy and I know it so why? Why now?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS on so many levels…

Maybe I should consider hypnotherapy. If I had the money right now I would hop on a plane and just get out of here for a little while. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I should just take a drive out of here and spend a few days away, from this city and this situation…..escape..

In a world of arseholes…how do you keep faith?

I am having a crisis of faith right now. I am finding it hard to stay positive and believe when people keep saying ‘good things are coming’ and then I look around…. If I hear anyone say that at this point I would probably be tempted to tell them to ‘go f%#$ themselves’.

Life is not all beer and skittles, I know that. It has ups and downs, and then those ups and downs can be extreme and at times the downs can be relentless.

I keep telling myself ‘there is always someone worse off than you’ ‘keep it in perspective’. I look at my son who I also managed to have another day with yesterday and he struggles to eat, chew, swallow, balance , walk, be free from pain and dystonia, recover from choking because this darned disease has very much taken hold and he struggles everyday to do things, even simple things that many of us including me take for granted.

And then I look at everything going on not only in my life but around me and in the world; like Paris and all I see are the arseholes in this world prevailing and the good people…suffering and struggling. And I say to myself “WHY?” why is there so much imbalance, unfairness and injustice in this world.

Take America for example; there are people admittedly SOME talented and they make a disproportionate amount of money from simply pretending to be someone else (actors), or they sing a song and entertain you for five minutes and wiggle their arses around half naked, or they take prolific photos of themselves and gain a following for just taking a good photo of once again their almost bare arses (think Kardashians)(IE predominantly the narcissists of this world) and they make gazillions and are revered and yet there are people not only in their own country but all over the world that are starving, being displaced, suffering from diseases yet can not get access to medication they need to live IE Charlie Sheen and his access to retro-viral drugs for AIDS and yet millions worldwide and in particular Africa go through painful suffering and death because they simply can not access it. WHY? Survival of the fittest and most admired? Do you have to be narcissistic and self serving to go far in this world?

I am tired of people saying it’s ok, just accept it, stay positive, be mindful, the universe or god will provide. I AM WAITING TO SEE SOME BALANCE IN THIS WORLD. I am trying to create some in my life but I seem to keep banging my head, and I have a conscience, I won’t do things to harm others and I have a soft centre, compassion and empathy…its called a heart.

It is so hard to not lose your faith and will to live amongst it when all you see and hear are arseholes prevailing and good people suffering.

That is all I needed to say today…my energy an outlook on life is low today…I am not depressed, I won’t allow it. I just see things as they are and call it….I don’t live in FAIRY LAND where Glenda the good witch makes everything right with the wave of the wand….it is not reality….

Oh dear! ….Excuse the mass expletives…baring the soul

As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!

I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.

I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.

I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.

I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.

It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.

I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.

My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.

Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.