One day at a time…disconnected

It is such a beautiful day today. After a week of almost non stop rain and grey skies the sun has come out and I am trying to get myself motivated to go to the gym, or at least go for a walk in the sunshine and fresh air. Touch nature. Earth myself and reconnect with life going on. Because I have disconnected again.

Normally I would have my beautiful eldest son here with me being a Sunday, but this morning as I woke I struggled. I have been struggling for the past week at least. I had a virus and my body was so fucked up with anxiety, grief and stress that it was fatigued and just said ‘no’. For at least 3 of the days I could barely pull myself out of bed. I felt so weak. Nothing is more fucked up as when both your body and your mind says ‘no’.

All things were leading to it. My eldest son whom those who read this blog know is now showing the full effects of this insidious neurodegenerative disease that not only takes everything from him but takes those that love him along with it…its painful to watch. Inside I feel like my heart is slowly being torn to bits, and my soul aches. My hopes and dreams for this beautiful human to have a wonderful fulfilling life no longer an option.

Some days I pull myself out of everything because I can not face watching everyone else be able to just go on with their lives, moaning and groaning about how someone cut them off on the road, or the neighbours cat pooing in their garden, or a friend bitching about another friend because they just did not agree with them, or that America is in such a hole because of that idiot twat-face who seems to think he has the right to call himself a President! and I just want to scream;

FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK YOU WITH YOUR INSIGNIFICANT DIATRIBE…..MY SON IS DYING…

So many things have pushed me these last weeks. Hearing that his sight is starting to fail on top of everything else and being with him on the couch watching him fall asleep next to me tired and imagining he may stop breathing in front of me, or is this what he will look like when he passes. Shit at the office, people speaking to me and about me as if I was a bit of shit under their boot because their own lives are so fucked up they needed to pick on someone who seems happy and affable and just ‘nice’. A very dear friend of mine, miles away in Sydney where I can’t get to see him telling me by text because he can no longer speak, his cancer has now moved into his spine. An ex – fiance who I haven’t seen in nearly 30 years arriving back in town and harassing me endlessly with phone calls and text messages to help him because he did stupid stuff again and has no one else he can leach off because he has fucked up again and again, but hey, just call Roz..she’s a soft touch.  And lastly, temporarily pulling away from my beautiful yank 2 because everything that was going on was becoming just too much and causing myself heartache over it in the meantime because I was shutting myself off from the one thing that does bring some happiness and joy into my life at present.

I don’t make it easier by not taking medication, everyone else does it to cope why don’t I?

Because it took me a long time to see my normal self again after 17 years on it and I worked hard to find me again in the middle of probably the worst 5 years of my life. No, I got that wrong, this has been a return to some of the worst years of my life as my childhood was pretty awful and fucked up.

Doesn’t matter what I say, there will always be some other smartarse out there that will say; well at least you have a roof over your head and you are not starving etc etc…I fucking know that you moron but there is only so much a person can handle on their own in their own life without taking on the guilt of every fucked up thing in this world today.

I watched the wonderful Gore Vidal in a documentary about his life last night. It was not too long before his death and an interviewer asked him what he thought his legacy would be and he did not miss a beat and said “I really do not give a … damn”.  It made me laugh. It made me think how wonderful it would be if I could simply not give a damn about it all. Easier, less painful.

But I can’t because I do, so I need to take each day as it comes and move one foot after the other and reconnect.

I am now going to take that walk in the sunshine whilst it is out….

Love and whitelight xx

Gutless and the not so good one

Now I know what I would look like with a good dose of lip fillers. Won’t be doing that, its not a good look.  I am finding it hard to believe what unfolded last night and today I am contemplating whether or not to stay in this one horse town where I have had nothing but sadness and pain. Leaving my sons especially my eldest is just unbearable knowing this disease has progressed as it has but my life is a mess and seems hopeless right now.

A very gutless male hit me in the face last night, and my lips are swollen and part of my face. I knew I should not have responded to his constant badgering me to catch up and ‘party’ but by late yesterday and feeling sad about what transpired with ‘formerly known as the good one’ during the week and feeling lonely I caved in and went. Stupid move.

His son was being pummeled by a so called ‘mate’ in the front yard (yes grown ups apparently) and I intervened to try stop it, someone called the police in the meantime and then when I went back inside after they had arrived drunk Chevvy guy walked up and cracked me in the face for no reason. Only thing I can think of is that he did not want me talking to the police. The police saw my fat lip and face asked me if I wanted to press charges but I was too much in shock and so they continued on and eventually took me home in the back of a paddy van, treating me like a common criminal. It all unfolded so fast I am still trying to work out why that gutless bastard hit me. But hit me he did, I just wish I had the good sense to punch him back, I would usually irrespective of him being 6’2 ft tall and a bikie looking character. Not advisable I know but I have never not fought back in my life…last night I didn’t.

Then after texting ‘the good one’ (formerly) he called me back and I explained what happened and he seemed to just get angrier and angrier but not at the man that hit me, no sir re bob he was angry at me; for going out with another man, talking to the yank (2) again and so much more that my head spun but ultimately the lack of compassion and care was blinding and I finally realised that he too may be a form of narcissist and that he never really gave a damn in the true sense of the word. I was just there for when he felt like it it seemed.

During the week I had discovered that I had not properly removed the block on my phone of his number from the previous week and his texts had not been coming through. I had thought he had simply decided it was over and until I had discovered the texts I was fine with that. But I saw in his responses that he was somehow strangely more involved than he let on, he seemed to be very perturbed that I was seeing other people (even though we had called time and he had pretty much made no effort to see me recently) and particularly not happy that I had reconnected with Yank 2 and was skyping him regularly again as friends. He did not seem to believe we were just friends and was very annoyed that I had any male ‘friends’ at all. Pretty much told me women should confide in their women friends only which is what I do from time to time but I have male friends too and he told me ‘he was not comfortable with that’. Things were always on his terms.

It was a weird kind of time with him. The hot and cold, the not wanting to commit yet not being happy that I see other people and always finding fault with something. But last night was the final straw, he was so angry, we both swore at each other although he said I swore at him only and he hung up on me and basically told me to never call again. Seriously, there was shades of Joe’s moves in that man. I wonder if it is an italian male thing. But I realised finally that I could not be with a man who didn’t have the care or strength to be a man in all the proper ways and for him to turn what happened to me around when I felt most vulnerable and use it as a cowards way to disconnect…unforgivable and sad. I dont think I ever really knew him at all.

Two down. Never again.

So here I sit nursing my wounded face and pride. Tired, beaten in so many ways. I can’t skype my friend in Chicago tomorrow I dont want him to see my face like this although I know I would get more support from him than I ever had from the italian.

I can’t seem to pick good men as far as the relationship kind goes, I don’t seem to be able to read them properly. Are there any real good ones out there? The upside in all this is that I have no feelings left whatsoever for Yank 1/Joe. He haunted me for a long time. But no more.

I am not sure what to do now with anything. I fought to not spiral into a bad depression this last month or so, not in the best way (anaesthetising myself). A lot of the factors that lead to me feeling down again have not gone away. It has been relentless. Right now I can’t find the strength to move on and make some decisions it all seems like groundhog day and I am very tired of it all.

Universe, I have had enough, I need your help…..please

F#^&$ Valentines Day…hamster wheel again

OK. I know this won’t be popular with all those loved up couples and googly eyed girlies who think they will be lucky enough to get a Rose this year, but me;”frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!” to quote Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. The frequent bombardment of marketing, ads and sickly sentiment everywhere makes me want to VOMIT in technicolor.

Buy a Pool we will colour the water red as a Valentine day’s special, Special sale for Valentine’s day…kiss my arse you stupid idiots I am not going to buy anything that has ‘on special for Valentines Day’ on it. Crock of merde! (French for sh.t!)

DO THEY REALISE THAT NOT EVERYONE FINDS THIS DAY INTERESTING??? Or exciting, and it is also the one day that if your self esteem is under the floor you feel even more like shit! Fuck that crap….royally….

I am sorry for my foul language and negativity but it really gets my goat…ARRRGGGHHH!

I shall now descend from my soapbox.

Possibly in disgrace for not believing in this butterflies and unicorns day tomorrow..arrgghh..yet again..

Could be where I am right now. Back on the Hamster wheel of life. Groundhog day etc etc. Midlife existential crisis, hormonally fluctuating like bitch!

And damn it I have been so good and positive and much stronger than I have been for years recently but as my last post said there are still challenges around me but I am getting so damn tired of it all and when I think of my beautiful son and what he is going through and the plight of many others I keep saying to myself when I am in whinge mode; YOU NEED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.you have food, shelter, a job, good friends even though they are scarce alot of the time because their own lives are busy, sons you love dearly etc and as I said alot of first world problems but by god I felt weak this week.

And I need to let it out. I can’t talk to people because they are probably sick of hearing negativity, we all are…and even my regular blog readers will read this and go uggghh..that wasn’t worth reading..but this log is still my cathartic outlet…I need it right now…I WILL not descend into depression EVER again…NOT AN OPTION….

Now for the hamster wheel;  my sons deteriorating health; a photo was sent to me whilst I was at work of him sleeping on a couch, exhausted and where I could see his tongue stuck out of his mouth because he can no longer control it and it gets in the way, his arm and hand no longer useful legs and feet starting to curl inward, fading and skinny from not being able to eat properly now..it is….devastating even though I knew it was coming…trying to focus on my new job because I need to earn a living in this goddamn expensive city and move closer to the city so I can be at hand for him and my other son but trying to save the money for bond and rent in advance and moving costs to get my things out of storage..of which the cost is expensive, work days long including a 3 hour total commute and feeling exhausted after as I have had pain in my right lung when I breathe (my right lung is scarred from 2 bad bouts of pneumonia and am a bronchial asthmatic) and a chest infection/virus but I must go to work, must persist…keep my job in this bad economy and to move forward. Every morning on the bus and train in I fight to not think about my son and hold back tears of frustration and sadness, but I know I can not stuff up my work chances again after the last 2 years. I have been doing well at work funnily enough. The frustration of not being able to go to the gym, which has been my absolute saviour for my health and mind because of this lurgy. The disappearance of my period and the related hormonal crap and I know and understand I am going through the change hence my inability to hold back tears at times…those bloody hormones…but exercise helps…arrrgghhh

I so wanted to drink several Martinis last night but I am on strong antibiotics so that would be counter productive…oh my god, a nanosecond of ‘thinking straight’ in the midst of everything…amazing..sleep patterns fucked up because of hormones and external stresses…AYE CARUMBA..there is more, much more but I can’t be bothered now;

even I am tired of reading it!

And then last but not least, it has taken 2 weeks to finally stop thinking about the loss of the “good one” yet another failed relationship of sorts with no prospects in sight (and intermittent thoughts of the yank debacle still because there is no one else in sight probably or maybe he will always be there and the dream I thought was to be us still lingers in the background even though I know now it was never real…he did not mean a thing he said…narcissists don’t and it took a long time for my hearts scars to cover over) but with all of it why should I want it.  Even the dating site has gone quiet on me..which is kind of a relief at the moment but then this FUCKING VALENTINES DAY TOMORROW reminds me that the last time I got roses and spent time on Val Day with someone I really cared about was 1984 and I feel miserable and cranky again….WTF?!?!

Breathe….or try to without pain. Eat some Lindt Dark chocolate. Center. Rest. Be calm and know that the universe will provide…….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Realising the difference…. stay in the moment…it still tugs..

There is one heck of alot going on right now in my life and yet there isn’t much at all at the same time. Quite a dichotomy. But one thing I have realised this morning in particular is that although things are ridiculous and could quite possibly trigger or would have triggered a very poor state of mind leading to another bout of depression and other stuff associated with it my mind is still in a much better place than it has been for a long time, seems more resilient and bounces back, sans medication and irrespective of all the shit; i.e I am caring for an elderly mother right now just returned from a bout in hospital, she is illiterate and very ignorant (she was also part of a yucky childhood that I so fought to be rid of in these last months and to a great extent have done but there is still some residual mental torture there from it all). Our living arrangements are tenuous and she is a hoarder so I have had and still have a mammoth task to get rid of and organise things  with regard to living arrangements etc. (I lost a large sum of money a number of years ago and I have been struggling alot ever since, swings and roundabouts and this city is incredibly expensive to live in).

My beautiful eldest son’s disease is progressing more rapidly now to the point where the other day when I finally got to see him after far too long (that in itself is a story, I would prefer to be the one caring for him but his father is very financial and has a much better environment for him and he is better off there but I miss him every day and it is hard for a mother to give up what comes naturally) he was unable to swallow, chew and talk properly, needs assistance to walk but is able to move with a small gopher vehicle using 1 hand and the other is now completely useless because of dystonia. His limbs are all twisting and soon he probably will be wheelchair bound if he doesn’t choke to death first. I have seen him choking in front of me a number of times and because of the nature of this disease there is not a bloody thing you can do about it…it is harrowing. But because he is no longer upright of his own accord he at least has not fallen and cracked his skull again for a long time now thank goodness.  But amongst it all we still laugh together and he smiles alot and is so strong and absolutely amazing and I am incredibly proud he is my son. His younger brother is studying at University but he still finds the time to help his brother, love him and is an amazing brother and I am equally proud of him. But I know that I may lose him soon from this bastard disease and I hate it, it tears at me.

My contract, what little that was left was paid out and I guess that in itself at this time that was a good thing but months of illness myself has left me in a difficult position financially and workwise and after this small payout I can not get financial assistance for a while (til the money runs out) and I have chosen not to get a carer’s payment for many reasons; but one of them is that if I don’t get this business up and running (that is going to take some time as I have a few knowledge gaps I am working on at present..I am a bit behind the technology 8 ball, I wish I had the ability alot of young people have these days they know their shit about ‘digital’ and I am playing catch up constantly) and get a job in the meantime, at my age I will be forever on the poverty line and the thought of that scares the fuck out of me…but I am trying to use that as a motivator even though as those that have been reading my blog will know I have been struggling psychologically too. But I can’t give up. There are times I feel it would be easier and I did get close to a another spiral recently but I managed to fight it off, come back to being in the moment and now I realise that although I have had those times I am still able to get myself back up again…eventually over rule the negative self talk and anxiety and stress, sadness and despair and keep going and manage to smile too! Smiling is the bomb! What it represents is far more than we give it credit for!

Once again I say; I know there are many others with much greater struggles but mine are mine and they are real and challenging for me at times but I know I have good reason for feeling that way and recognising that helps. Trying to remain kind to yourself, patient with yourself, helps.

And unfortunately, that bout with the devil (I still think about whether it was all a bad dream and that we both misunderstood each other and I remember the good things and then I still feel like I love him at times and miss even talking to him and I long for those things to be real and for us to be able to at least talk to each other as friends even) but I know this is common when you love a narcissist they get into your psych and you are never the same again. And you can’t talk about it to people, they don’t believe you or just don’t understand, they think it’s you!  If he was a normal person things wouldn’t have ended as they did and he would have at least talked things through, I know I have never taken this long to ‘get over’ a relationship and I somehow feel I will never completely forget him. I just wish it was a dream or bad mistake and that he was still in my life (sad, wrong, but true). But at least it doesn’t hurt me like it used to. The flashbacks and longing hasn’t quite stopped, it still tugs. I guess it will over a very long time. But I have enough to deal with and need to stay strong.

I forced myself back to the gym yesterday and am going to go almost daily if I can, it gives me a break from looking after mum and helps my mind. And I will go out and see friends when I can, I have to, staying connected is the key.

I need to write more again, I love writing, and I need to start reading others blogs again. It is one way to stay connected to others at times when I physically can’t.  Love and white light x