Shades of crazy…Jimi rules!

Image shared courtesy of Tinybuddha.com with thanks

I read my post of yesterday with complete dismay. So, so low. Bordering depressed, in fact there would surely be a diagnosis of depression at some level if the current standard of psychology was applied;

Criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks. Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline. Impaired function: social, occupational, educational. Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:

1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).

2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day

3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite

4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia

5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation

6. Fatigue or loss of energy

7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness

9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

Irrational worry, preoccupation with unpleasant worries, trouble relaxing, feeling tense, fear that something awful might happen. Substance abuse causing depressed mood (eg. drugs, alcohol, medications)

If this is the case then I have surely been depressed for the last 3 months because I hit every bullet point and theoretical standard they apply.

But in today’s lucid light I look at my circumstances (in no particular order of importance)  and say NO. I HAVE FUCKING GOOD REASONS TO FEEL AS I DO RIGHT NOW. Lets take a look:

I have just lost a relationship with someone I adored as a friend and lover. Nothing when it comes to relationships is ever guaranteed but I treasured what we had, what little of it there was. So it is painful, but that is life. Things end. But some people remain inside no matter what.

I have a son (my eldest) that for years has been fighting a disease N.B.I.A which in the last 2 years has amped up, working its way through his body enough that I know I may lose him sooner rather than later. And watching what it is doing to him is killing me because there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT. I have known for years and thought I had come to a place of peace and acceptance about it but now I know I have not. I may not handle things as well as most but watching your child (now adult) lose their chance at a full and happy life whilst they also lose their ability to do simple things like walk, talk, eat, see and are in constant pain and  become trapped in their bodies is ….fucked. I have always been grateful for the time we have had with him, some parents barely get to hold their child before they are taken away. But this is my story and my pain and at times I just do not deal with it well. And it has been going on for a long torturous time.

Very recently I have taken a hammering (in confidence and chances in the future) from the loss of 2 jobs, in a bad economic environment and I am aging to boot so my value in the workplace has been further diminished but not only that I found that I could not work in environments that disrespected and devalued you with constant threat of ‘if you dont like it there are hundreds more that will’ with no-one else willing to take a stand for their basic rights for fair pay and conditions because they themselves are too scared which effectively perpetuates this horrible battery hen situation.

There are other things too such as going through that marvelous gift to women in their 50’s; ohhh boy aren’t we the lucky ones; giving birth leaves our bodies wracked with problems like leaky bladders and stretched and prolapsed vaginas, our bodies in pain, stretch and sag and bleed sometimes so profusely that we often have days where we dont know our own name let alone where we are and whilst we go through this fun men of similar age are busy looking for women half our age because who wants to fuck a saggy vagina and a woman with “baggage” baggage that has more than likely partially been left by the constant drive by shots in the heart from they themselves….breathe Rozy….

As I said, I could go on but I have had my rant.

So my plan for today is pretty much as yesterday until I get my head back together from everything.  I just got a text from yank, bless his heart, he does care! I was listening to Jimi Hendrix late yesterday as I poored myself a number of Mojitos and as I muddled the lime and mint I realised and passed comment in a message to him that the only greens (green vegetables) I seem to be eating lately is the mint in my Mojitos!! His answer today to that and I know he is driving his truck right now but possibly on a short break in order to do it was “Jim rules! Enjoy…Hugs K…”

Image result for when the power of love

Here is one of my favourites Hendrix songs although it is hard to choose as i just love his music fullstop!

Voodoo Child;  https://youtu.be/IZBlqcbpmxY

So today more of Jimi and my wonderful wet bar. I have nearly made it to tomorrow when I see my beautiful eldest son and I know the joy of holding him will surpass everything. And everything I feel right now will fade whilst I am with him. But til tomorrow….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

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Martinis and Amy…

Posted too much today so not publishing the usual channels ie Facebook and the like, but I was drowning my broken heart and came across my old Amy Winehouse Collections and they go particularly well with Whiskey and Martinis…go figure..

Her voice, music and lyrics were amazing. Her lyrics were beyond her years and great story telling and this is just one that I love:

“Tears Dry On Their Own”

All I can ever be to you
Is the darkness that we knew,
And this regret I’ve got accustomed to.
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night.I knew I hadn’t met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached.
It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity.

[Chorus:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

I don’t understand
Why do I stress a man
When there’s so many bigger things at hand.
We coulda never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A perspective pushes through,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon.

I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.

[Chorus]

So we are history,
Your shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze,

[Chorus]

I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
‘Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets

So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above,
A blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My deep shade
My tears dry on their own.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My deep shade
My tears dry

See the clip in youtube here; https://youtu.be/ojdbDYahiCQ

The “I have lost my fucking shit today drama queen”!! Meaning ME!

Love and whitelight xx

Quite right! post mortem..

So I am sitting having a Jamesons’s (yes I know it was morning, but somewhere in the world it was evening…like Chicago for instance! LOL) and I get a text from him (the one formerly known as ‘the good one’) saying “I am sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted and also for the hurt I have caused you…I don’t know what else to say…sad face icon”.

Ahhh my answer to that was “how about nothing” like I asked (I said that words weren’t necessary from him because I had heard it all before those exact words in fact and I understood what was going on. And it was now done). It wasn’t necessary and up till that point I was OK with it all.

But he did that, all the time. Apologised profusely after making the hit…it was like he was making himself feel better. “I am sorry…I dont know why I am like this, I seem to hurt everybody. I dont mean to and I really hate doing it..” If you don’t want to hurt people then how about exercising some restraint and not doing anything to hurt about. I always found myself questioning “was he for real? or was he some carefully calculated manipulator?”. I guess I am still smarting from the narcissist and maybe that has made my view of everything slightly tapped. I know where my faults lay. I am perfectly imperfect!

But I guess that’s being harsh. Reading my last post I really do look like a hopeless lap dog that made a rod to beat her own back. Again. I went back for seconds and thirds over a year knowing fully well he was not capable of committing, for long. He got bored easily. Needed the next fix of excitement a new thing would bring. I dont doubt that he has his eye on one right now. Or maybe its the one he told me he could never quite get..the Makeup counter girl from Myer…the one that wouldn’t give in.   I remember what he said about his ex…the one before me where he did commit for 4 months (that was a longtime). And if that is the lesson to be learnt…well..shit I hope I have…But it is so hard to tell what is real these days.

I remember yesterday apologising for some of the things I had said in my blog the other night whilst drunk, drunk and over it all. He was particularly phased by my ‘insipid’ comment. I do not want to hurt anyone either, especially not him because of how I feel about him. Once again, I guess I will never know the true story about him. That is sad. Somewhere inside is the one I loved, I saw glimpses, it was wonderful.

Maybe it really was the shoe just didn’t fit…we tried 3 times. I wonder if I was the only one with that dubious honour. I know his ex wanted him back but he said no. He was not happy about a comment she made when they were out about being free to do what she needed and like me she seemed to drink too much, well I have lately, I wonder if there is a correlation?? I guess that meant that he was not as in control of that relationship. But I kind of wonder if she was feeling as I did…that he just wasn’t ‘there’ really there and knew it was a hopeless case.

We all react badly and never show our best sides when we are hurting. And love is the biggest hurt of all. I know he will probably read this and hate me. It hurts to think that even though I know I will never see him again. At the moment it is raw and I still love him. Once in a fight he said to me “you dont love me, you just love my cock”. I told him all men had cocks! Well, they do.

It’s my love of them that gets me into trouble unfortunately! but I digress…

Need more Jamesons…I think…straight up..just as I like everything…

Love and whitelight xxx

Relentless..cat ping pong…f%$#k NBIA

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. Well, right now I challenge that assumption (and who the hell was the smart fucker who coined that phrase anyway?!). Things feel relentless. Things feel so mind blowingly out of control that at times I feel like I am out of body looking at my situation from a parallel universe saying ‘what the fuck?’. Like I am the mouse frozen with fear rolling stiff as a board between the paws of the merciless cat as he just ping pongs me to and fro…

I spent the day with my eldest son yesterday and his disease (neurodegeneration with brain iron accumulation or NBIA) is progressing fast again and I know that time is limited and it hit me after he left yesterday. It left me a crying mess on the bed in my bedroom. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know how to stop it and that just kills me inside. He is now not in control of his body as the dystonia progresses, he writhes uncontrollably at times and often in pain and hearing him cry out for morphine…he was always a very strong boy pain wise so I know he really is in pain when he asks for it. He finds it difficult to speak now. You can just make out the words through the mumble because his tongue is not in his control anymore, he finds it difficult to eat. He has a tube in his stomach for when he cant. It is like he is trapped in a body that is failing him…I WISH IT WAS ME and not him. Why can’t I take that pain away from him?

Botox has been some help in loosening the limbs enough to give him temporary relief but it no longer available on subsidy. The government has pulled it. I don’t have that kind of money. His father does but for some reason chooses not to pay it anymore..probably to do with his controlling screaming harpy nutcase of a wife and the massive mortgage for the new mansion she talked him into buying….she has managed to destroy all relationships within his family and the one between him and I as well with her ridiculous insecurity. There is a reason why I divorced him biatch..I don’t want him back. But I do want him to communicate with me about my son and I want access to him (my son) which is not easy at present because of her and her Jedi mind control of him. Another out of control situation.

I can’t find work here at present, Perth is once again a lame duck as the mining boom has long gone and the idiot government here wasted so much money thinking the boom was forever that we are now in bad deficit and they are cutting essential services before anything else. I know I could if I go back to Sydney I would instantly get work but I can’t leave with my son fading now. I promised him.

And my love life reads like several bad episodes of ‘Days of our lives’. In a drunken stupor the other day (yes I am anesthetizing myself more regularly at present, it is the only thing keeping me from the nuthouse), I caved in and messaged ‘the good one’ about a week later, even after my brave talk about ‘the dance’ and he seemed content when I told him I am happy to ‘fuck him same place same time next week’…DONT JUDGE ME, I HAVE NEEDS…

Yes, I did use some harsh language and told him in no uncertain terms I am onto him..always was but I do like his penis, it is the best of a bad bunch at present. A distraction of sorts. He seemed to like my bravado and told me ‘I know I do your head in, but I really do like you’. Ahhhgh. What’re you gonna do?!

And more recently I find myself thinking that life in Arizona with the narcissist, amongst the rattlesnakes and scorpions may have been easier. I still at times have a mental picture of that photo of he and I when I was 16 and he was 25 (see my photos) and think..what might have been. He wasn’t a narcissist in those days. At least, I dont think so.

Ohhh, I am slipping…I am lost….what to do?

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

 

Hello from Nutty central..

Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier.  Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.

He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago,  whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!

Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco  executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he  enjoyed it which I also admired.

I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.

I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.

Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…

The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.

But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer  to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.

And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.

So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Walk of the EGO…miss you Ziggy..it ain’t pretty

So, I would normally fall into bed at this point of the night. I have imbibed alot (still am against my principles but my off switch tonight seems faulty but at least I am aware of it and as advised by my ‘good one’!! Long story…), alot more than intended and that should occur on a Tuesday night. BUT, I am unemployed..still, and slightly troubled and my brain is in free-fall over a number of things. As my regular readers would know.

It has been a craggy day on many levels. Being questioned by some 20 something year old recruiters who knew the secret to all the world problems and how to cure cancer (do I have an attitude? No, not moi!!). hang fire, love this, love Edith Piaf;

..on my way back on the train I met an old school friend who I had an affair with long ago even though I knew he was married and it was highly AGAINST my principles and therefore very awkward because I think he still wants more…and I WOULD NOT now again, ever ( perhaps Joe was my Karmic retribution on a massive scale?), and then when I visited my so-called new friend, who wanted to become a Facebook friend immediately, against my instincts…WTF? And then ,tonight as I visited him as he had asked me to previously issued a ‘ahh, I have a ‘friend with me right now” Oh hello, so what? I don’t want to shag you  daggy fucker even though we did once with your tiny penis, we were supposedly friends? As you requested. Head fuck or you tried to and HELLO it doesn’t work! HA!

Why do we have to immediately ‘friend’ people on Facebook?  For numbers and self satisfaction? Is it an EGO walk, hell I have 500 FB friends ain’t I the bomb…ahh sorry..DA BOMB!!  Shouldn’t  we take time to get to know each other, somewhat?

Is a fleeting experience enough?  After Joe and I, I am so anti and on guard.

A surprising upside.(.see I told you! I see upsides!)..was that as I was crying my arse off waiting the hour for the next bus from one place (in Perth our bus system is highly useless as well as other essential services so even though the city is pretty DO NOT MOVE HERE IT IS HELL) and then another hour for the next (I was prepared however with a 4 pack of rum and coconut milk), and in that time my ‘good one’ that I had denounced (the other one, Italian, cute but averse to conflict yada), had redeemed himself by talking to me almost the entire time in  caring, somewhat ‘loving’ ….dare I say it..tone…quelle surprise..and it was lovely, even though I realise the yank has made me very cynical and suspicious about most men…well it just shocked the hell out of me but I am grateful..and he actually said tonight that he knew what we had and he was grateful that we met….say what?

Anyway, speaking of what, yesterday one of my most favorite artists passed DAVID BOWIE, Ziggy Stardust, Alladin sane etc.. I guess I am still slightly freaked out by that.

I listened to his music; particularly the album ‘Diamond Dogs’

well, tape actually repeatedly as I tried to switch off from the bullshit background of my alcoholic abusive father and idiotic shrill narcissistic mother fought endlessly, relentlessly.

He was a go to…his music is timeless and will always be a part of me…RIP Mr Bowie..with love and light, always xxx

I guess I should go to bed…its late now and I am completely shamozzled…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

Is the moon constantly on FULL??

OK, I think  am officially in the twilight zone. I keep wondering if the moon has stayed on full for the last year because the instances of looney tunes continues…

Friday evening I caught up with my ‘friend’ he invited me over for the weekend I think I mentioned it in my previous post and it all started well. Although a bit crazy, his idea of having fun was a dive bar with women wearing skimpy and at times next to no outfits and very drunk men shoving money into their G-strings and then either falling over or punching each other! I should’ve known the weekend wasn’t going to go well after that, but I am open minded even if I was slightly overdressed for the evening both in class and clothing!

Then home to his house in the hills for an evening of Country music and watching him dance around the lounge room half naked with cowboy boots and hat!  OHH my freaking god…!

Aside from the fact that watching an italian dressed that way and his love of country music (I have known him for a little while and by no means did I have a clue he was that way inclined…I’m afraid I have a distinct DISLIKE for country crooning although the odd stuff is OK)..but I went with it good sport that I am..

Oh and he took me outside and uncovered his prized possession a beautifully restored and polished Monaro..the Aussie equivalent of one of those American classics I so love and wanted to do the horizontal mambo in the back seat….OK, I’m game…DON’T Judge, I’m all for the horizontal mambo when it feels right!:)

Thank goodness for copious amounts of al-cy-hol ending in American honey on the rocks in large quantities…

After a very late night or early morning he told me he had to do some work that morning..a rare Saturday and he wanted me to be his truck wench (yes I have sunk another level)! Drives a huge Volvo truck that carts Asphalt and then has to deliver and dump it over a very long period of time and waiting around…OHHH JOY…my head throbbing and more country music blaring in the cabin…arrgghh

But I went with that too and by lunchtime we were back home and gathering stuff for the evening, food and drinks. More drinking (it is a sad thing in a way but Aussies do use alcohol as a drug of choice regularly, its as part of the landscape as the Sydney Harbour bridge unfortunately…perhaps it is just a way of making things better temporarily), and a barbecue later that afternoon which initially was nice. Some friends came over, all good, until he started to take pot shots at his mate. And eventually over time at me and believe me after all the bullshit and wank I have gone through with men of late like Yanky Joe and crazy Chevvy guy there was no way on gods great earth I was putting up with that shit.

Being stuck up there in hills late my only course of action was to go to bed, so I did. I think he got it then. Then first thing in the morning I told him to take me to the station (which was a fair way away) and then I went home. After his sheepish demeanor and profuse apologies, trying to salvage our friends with benefits connection, as I got out of the car at the station he tried to kiss me; but I said thanks and look after yourself Joe (yes another bloody crazy Italian Joe) and I know he knew I was wishing him a good life!

Oh and yesterday I get a call that my mother has gone and discharged herself from the hospital against the doctors wishes and that was the last straw for me too because the whole reason she was back there was because she would not do what they told her too. I have helped her with absolutely everything constantly over many many weeks now and tried to get her to do the right thing and ‘listen’ but to no avail so I am now wiping my hands of that too…she is a grown woman, I can’t wipe her backside for her, not that she was ever much of a mother anyway, manipulative, selfish and expecting everyone to help and the only time she is ever nice to me is when she wants something. Finito.

If there is one thing I am learning from these looney tune events is that if people don’t want to help themselves or know how to behave you can not be responsible for them you have to let them learn the hard way. You can only do so much and just look after yourself and after everything I am now doing that….me first.

Ahhh then yet again a minute ago I get a call from a social worker from the hospital and she is meant to go to an appointment today and instead she has gone to the casino…even in her state…FINITO for good, you can not help someone who does not want to help themselves, bar having them committed! 

I have meetings this afternoon and tomorrow about work, fingers crossed, and I am going to the gym after having a week off it. I need to keep my mind in good shape or I will end up in the asylum…

Many will think I am mad for continuing to date when there is so much else going on but it takes my mind off things for a little while and that helps. I will be so much happier when I am back at work. I can’t change certain things like my sons illness, my mothers dumbness and the male arses in this world but I can keep going, trying to move forward and stay smiling when I can….maybe the moon will start to wane finally…

 

 

Later in the day…ahhh men..

So please excuse my aberration…earlier…Some days are still a huge effort in patience and other required and expected outward appearance! However, as the day slowly slips away…I have had an interesting afternoon…a couple of glasses of wine…Dianna Krall..”the look of love” and other good mushy classics , Stevie Wonder oh yah haha…

This morning I woke feeling shite. I have not managed to get work still, YES, I have tried, every morning I start the same shooting off my resume, making phone calls etc etc and I am also now not looking just at what I am qualified to do.(and in the meantime trying to self teach on knowledge gaps to get my biz together). I will do anything..to earn an income and not be on welfare! I have a scant amount of savings left, I guess my trip to America didn’t help..stupid me..tight arse arsehole him, guess as well..should’ve known!! ..that should have been a clue?!!…oh dear..Australia, but particularly Perth is really suffering in the aftermath of the boom…I know its not just me. As I have said before, it is a one trick pony this city. And I have considered going East again (I did get a call recently) but with my son going downhill more rapidly I really do not want to leave at this point…Probably a good thing Joe and I never made it…I could’ve been living in the U.S and trying to fly back regularly…anyway…

So after doing what needed doing this morning, I was back in touch with a couple of crazy men I have dated…it was good because it took my mind off..

One is incredibly Italian in his outlook and manner..there is a ‘profile’ about these guys, sometimes I feel I could write a book about how these men are predictable! it is funny.

The other, incredibly British. They are all stiff upper lip and yet there is a real seedy side to them when  it comes to relationships.

I must admit, they both, highly entertained me and made me smile. And I needed to.

Ohhhh hang on…speaking of BRITS; Rod Stewart and “you wear it well” just came on…need to have a sing and dance!!  Here is the link to the video  https://youtu.be/hQqNUwNNkTo

OK anyway, we had highly animated conversations both on phone and in person. But one of the conversations was about me and how I appear to the male population out there in neverland!!

“no offense sweety, but you come across as wanting to be dominated (sexually) and then you just take over and take charge. No man wants that! They want to call the shots! ” OH FUCK, REALLY???

Then the other “you are quite intimidating to men that don’t know you well. You’re intelligent, very switched on, classy, strong…it really makes a guy feel like you are too high maintenance!”…NOW if that ain’t an oxymoron I don’t know what the bloody hell is!!

So..how is a girl to proceed? I guess I should not put any emphasis on a man and his thoughts..because, to be quite frank..sometimes I think they are more confused than us women!

Tomorrow night I am going to the Italians house! For the weekend apparently? No Joe just maybe for the evening..no I want you and us to spend some ‘time’ together, yes,  by some fucking freak of nature he is a ‘Joe’ too.

Dear god. is the irony lost on me? NO.

Ahhh..too may wines..many FB and phone conversations..

Lets discuss the moral dilemma tomorrow when I am compos mentis …aye carumba…no more wine…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 2 Man shed theory….still going with the flow

I started to write this 2 days ago; It was a lovely day yesterday. The weather was beautiful and we went to an old historic hotel/Inn not far from where I live in a national park. He came to pick me up in a hulking great Chevvy which kind of suited him he is a big man 6’2 ft tall! It put the biggest smile on my face (I love cars but I really love American classics especially Caddy’s, Chevs, Mustangs, Camaro’s, Trans Am’s, Corvettes). They drive like Sherman tanks but god you feel safe in them and the sound of the engine and the power…love it.

It was beautiful sitting amongst the trees after a lovely lunch. The conversation flowed. He’s lovely and good company. We were going to catch up again today (he runs his own business so can take time off when he wants to) but I needed a day off to do things, look for work, go to the gym…I really need to go to the gym regularly to keep my mind in the right place. We are having a day together again tomorrow (now today). We will see….I am still going with the flow, oh thank you healing.

Anyway, the man-shed theory!

Prior to meeting my man friend the other day I was just writing my journal, listening the the great music they had on and observing the goings on in the bar. It was quite full of men! There was only a few women there and this was not some ‘dingy’ bar. But I guess being afternoon on a weekday most would be at work or other.

As I had said previously I had just been to an appointment, had my healing session and then bought myself a nice lunch and decided to just go on with it for the rest of the afternoon. Quite content to just be.

I moved from the Chesterfield I was sitting on to a table near the window so I could write in my Journal. After a while and another glass or two feeling quite relaxed and happy I realised as I looked around the room that the men were either just seated on their own, a couple were in couples, and the rest were just 2 sitting and having a drink and a chat. It came to me that these days rarely the man has a ‘man-shed’. In the old days houses always had a reasonable sized shed in the backyard where the man would retreat to get his ‘time out’ away from his wife often friends would go to when they visited and they would pow wow there and tinker; with the lawnmower, building something out of wood, fixing or pretending to fix something, but it was their territory and their time out.

Often these days and with housing the way it is, regularly now built without a shed but if there is it is usually so minute you can’t sit in it or create a space.

I thought to myself ‘is this the equivalent of the man shed?’. There they sat, peacefully chatting, rarely as animated as we women get and I kind of felt for them. Believe me that was a bit of a quantum leap after what I have just been through and how it had tainted my feelings slightly about the male species! My eyes were finally opening up again.

Recently I had been using a dating website and only a few days back I decided to put my membership on hold because as I had said previously it seemed to be a free for all and I wasn’t sure I had the energy for the wank and bullshit!

Yet sitting there that day, it came to me that although we single women complain there is a man drought or a lack of decent men to date some of these men can be found in the man shed equivalent.. they have just removed themselves from the dating scene because to quote a man I was talking to that day “it is all just too hard!”.

From the horses mouth. And then at one stage I had been chatting with a girl behind the bar and she and I had a laugh about it and she told me she thought there was definitely something in my theory. She told me about the ‘regulars’ and had some other great tales.

I think women are so tied up in “I am woman hear me roar” and all this self sufficiency and self love and confusing strength for aggression that men (who, lets face it ladies, really are a simpler, less complicated bunch than us!!) simply just give up on the process. At least they have the brotherhood! And I guess there is the also alot of male aggression and manipulation out there and it really kills how we see the other half as well, kind of spoils it for the good men out there that are genuine and relatively normal!! And they are out there, really!

My man friend and I met that day. He was about to go outside when we looked at each other at the same time and smiled. He said something, then I did and then he came and joined me at the table and we talked and laughed for hours well into the evening where after he insisted on taking me home in a taxi (believe me that is huge because I live a fair way away ) and then literally dropped me off with a sweet goodbye kiss and then went straight back home in the taxi which isn’t far from the venue we were at earlier!

It was lovely, and it was an organic meeting. None of this ‘swipe left swipe right’ bulldust. It was the old way. And it renewed my faith both in the males and that you can meet nice people the organic way even these days.

Now I don’t know what is going to happen from here, as I said, today we are going out again. He is taking the day off. Something Joe would not do for me even though I had flown half way around the globe at his request to see him after so many years and what I thought was a deep connection. But enough of that, that is well and truly over now. I guess even though the healing helped to cut the chains it will be a little while before it completely leaves my memory. I am now happy to just take things one day at a time. It’s all we can do.

Happier times ahead, love and whitelight x