It is such a beautiful day today. After a week of almost non stop rain and grey skies the sun has come out and I am trying to get myself motivated to go to the gym, or at least go for a walk in the sunshine and fresh air. Touch nature. Earth myself and reconnect with life going on. Because I have disconnected again.
Normally I would have my beautiful eldest son here with me being a Sunday, but this morning as I woke I struggled. I have been struggling for the past week at least. I had a virus and my body was so fucked up with anxiety, grief and stress that it was fatigued and just said ‘no’. For at least 3 of the days I could barely pull myself out of bed. I felt so weak. Nothing is more fucked up as when both your body and your mind says ‘no’.
All things were leading to it. My eldest son whom those who read this blog know is now showing the full effects of this insidious neurodegenerative disease that not only takes everything from him but takes those that love him along with it…its painful to watch. Inside I feel like my heart is slowly being torn to bits, and my soul aches. My hopes and dreams for this beautiful human to have a wonderful fulfilling life no longer an option.
Some days I pull myself out of everything because I can not face watching everyone else be able to just go on with their lives, moaning and groaning about how someone cut them off on the road, or the neighbours cat pooing in their garden, or a friend bitching about another friend because they just did not agree with them, or that America is in such a hole because of that idiot twat-face who seems to think he has the right to call himself a President! and I just want to scream;
FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK YOU WITH YOUR INSIGNIFICANT DIATRIBE…..MY SON IS DYING…
So many things have pushed me these last weeks. Hearing that his sight is starting to fail on top of everything else and being with him on the couch watching him fall asleep next to me tired and imagining he may stop breathing in front of me, or is this what he will look like when he passes. Shit at the office, people speaking to me and about me as if I was a bit of shit under their boot because their own lives are so fucked up they needed to pick on someone who seems happy and affable and just ‘nice’. A very dear friend of mine, miles away in Sydney where I can’t get to see him telling me by text because he can no longer speak, his cancer has now moved into his spine. An ex – fiance who I haven’t seen in nearly 30 years arriving back in town and harassing me endlessly with phone calls and text messages to help him because he did stupid stuff again and has no one else he can leach off because he has fucked up again and again, but hey, just call Roz..she’s a soft touch. And lastly, temporarily pulling away from my beautiful yank 2 because everything that was going on was becoming just too much and causing myself heartache over it in the meantime because I was shutting myself off from the one thing that does bring some happiness and joy into my life at present.
I don’t make it easier by not taking medication, everyone else does it to cope why don’t I?
Because it took me a long time to see my normal self again after 17 years on it and I worked hard to find me again in the middle of probably the worst 5 years of my life. No, I got that wrong, this has been a return to some of the worst years of my life as my childhood was pretty awful and fucked up.
Doesn’t matter what I say, there will always be some other smartarse out there that will say; well at least you have a roof over your head and you are not starving etc etc…I fucking know that you moron but there is only so much a person can handle on their own in their own life without taking on the guilt of every fucked up thing in this world today.
I watched the wonderful Gore Vidal in a documentary about his life last night. It was not too long before his death and an interviewer asked him what he thought his legacy would be and he did not miss a beat and said “I really do not give a … damn”. It made me laugh. It made me think how wonderful it would be if I could simply not give a damn about it all. Easier, less painful.
But I can’t because I do, so I need to take each day as it comes and move one foot after the other and reconnect.
I am now going to take that walk in the sunshine whilst it is out….
Love and whitelight xx