Life, beyond, him…why am I female?

I was going to cease and desist. My blog. And it’s been 3 months since I have written.

Alot has happened. Alot has not changed.

Buggered if I know how to publish this without the reach of Facebook. I have recently deactivated my Facebook page and quite frankly, the peace and the lack of feeling as if my life was a complete loss compared to all these happy faces taking a trip here and there, newly married, happy shots of big groups of friends on big social occasions, all the ‘everyone else is bloody deliriously happy but me’ shots they post and POSITIVE thinking shit to boot; if you don’t think ‘this’ you are failing in life but we will pat your back anyway….bloody arrrggghh

Just about drove me to despair…in fact it did..

My life. Sucks. Has sucked for the last few years. Starting with Yank 1..the ‘him’ in Life beyond him…blahdy blah. Should never have gone there…but I did.

Yank 2 whom I still talk to and adore but he does not know what he wants (although he thinks he does) and is too frozen in place with his comfortable at present life. But there is something missing…I guess there is for us all…

There have been others recently too (I still play when I want to), but not really worth an honourable mention. Except the italian who is wonderful to talk to…we are friends.

Moving through prelude to and then meno..fucking pause itself that never seems to pause dammit…

My eldest son and his degenerative disease and losing his ability to talk, eat, walk etc etc and because of forces I am unable to control not being able to see him as often or even….oh god…

Living in a place I have not wanted to be in for far too long. Work..Economic situation in this goddamn arsehole of a parochial, expensive, isolated and far too keen on themselves city…plus much more and under a haze I cannot at this very point be more specific…

Oh shit..I should just shoot myself now. And I probably would if it wasn’t for my two..older now but beautiful sons…

Sometimes, I absolutely hate being a woman too. We sacrifice alot to bring up and look after our kids. Alot of men are able to continue their careers while we have to exit to have our kids and by the time we are back things have changed..we have to play catch up and if we divorce, if we aren’t bitches in general who clean our husbands out at divorce because we want to be fair and equitable we miss out on alot of superannuation and other things. Our bodies are stretched and scarred beyond recognition and so are our vaginas which MEN eventually use as an excuse to be seeking out younger women…because oh geez who wants a vagina that’s had a human life pass through it???

Why would a man want a wrinkled..life lived and totally fucked by men woman when we can have a 20 year old with a father complex, tight vagina and never has the brain capacity to question the sugar daddy even he with the limpest of cocks…fuck who cares I can buy buy buy on his credit card because the silly limp dicked bastard is just extremely happy I am even giving him the time of day…what limp dick?

Do I seem like a disconnected angry female…?  Yes I am…

I could go on feeling victimised. Resentful. There is plenty of good reason. But the only one that this energy is going to effect is me.

This is why I stopped writing…I am still…not in a good place. Not good enough for the expectations society places on me…yet…what is the way out…

Love and whitelight xx

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too low for zero…those frigging groundhogs

Often when going through a depression it is difficult to wake up, you peel one eye open and even if the sun is shining through the curtain, say “oh whats the use?” and if lucky manage to fall back to sleep again. Sleeping is a welcome relief from the negative thoughts and ruminations, the anxiety you feel about having to interact with other humans because often you simply do not want to be anywhere near them, and the thought about how you are going to get yourself through the day. (Mind you that is when you have the semi functioning form of it).

I get a message this morning from a dear friend who tells me he has been diagnosed with ‘cancer of the esophagus’ and I sit for a while..in bed…in shock. I am not sure how to process this. After all it is not me, it is him that is about to go through a very tough journey but hopefully win the fight. I will be as ‘there’ for him as I can be (he is in Sydney and I am in Perth) but I am at present here because as I have mentioned many times because of my beautiful eldest son who is suffering the effect of a degenerative illness with no hope for a cure and at present it has progressed more rapidly than before. Why has this happened to people I love and care about the most. Why does it not happen to the evil bastards out there instead?

I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my boy yesterday and it lifted me immensely. Every moment I get to spend with him is a joy. A temporary relief from the constant feeling of what my psych calls pre-grief or anticipatory grief. Grief comes in many forms. It often accompanies certain feelings of guilt too especially as a parent that your child has this and why is it not you instead. You would give anything for it to be you instead. Or to find a way to make it all go away.

Often lately I just feel either highly emotional or completely numb. But compared to how low I got when I was depressed and yet on medication it seems I can at times still pull out of it for a while. I have been getting myself to the gym in the last weeks trying to lift out of it and gain strength and perspective again. Even going back to my psych for much needed psychotherapy which means I am no longer self medicating as much with alcohol etc. When I drink now I know I will be happy for a little while and then know I will feel low the next day but awareness when you can be helps.

And then into the mix I try relationships, still, even though it really probably isn’t the best time but I figure that this cycle of depression, grief and just general crap has been part of my life wasted in the last few years and am aware that time passes quickly. I dont want to say this next chapter this decade (I felt like my entire 40’s was pretty much a dead loss with the exception of my time bringing up and being with my sons) is also a waste.

So I keep trying. I believe in love.

I am one of those idiots who feels that remaining friends with exes and love interests should be easier than it actually is. I am a communicator, sometimes overly so but that is me. For years I kept the lines of communication open for my boys’ sakes with their father and it worked very well until it became abundantly clear that his new wife was incredibly insecure about it and me and started to cause all sorts of rubbish. Thankfully by that time my boys were grown enough that she could have no negative influence on them and how they are as people. There is a whole chapter on that crazy shit and in all honesty…it ain’t worth the energy.

Then the other night I spoke to a certain someone, after we had mended the fence slightly over the course of a week or so, slowly, and I thought that we could move forward and stay friends at least and then that came crashing down with an almighty bang ending with me hanging up after saying ‘you will not have to the chance to hurt me again’. This time I meant it. For self preservation. This guy was subtle but for me it was death by a thousand cuts.

I seem to be drawn to headcases. The unreachable. It is almost as if I choose these crazy bastards because I am comfortable in the ‘zone of pain’. It feels normal to me. If someone comes to me and is enamoured and gives me too much love and respect I can’t cope and it doesn’t feel right.

I am working on that. As I said I have started going back to my psych because on top of how careless I am with my heart I am not handling many things well. And I know it.

I was so drunk the other night, after my phone call with the above mentioned (I can’t say his codename because he reads and gets very annoyed with me, not that I should care anymore anyway as we will never talk to each other again. I am also annoyed that I let his attitude to my blogging effect my regular writing. I was too concerned about what he would think and that was stupid. Yet another man trying to control me. Never again) I also texted the ‘him’ (yank 1) in ‘life beyond him’ and made mention of how impressed I was with his amazingly large manhood albeit somewhat faulty these days it seemed…are you supposed to harangue a narcissist? Too bad, I did.

Yes I have lost it and at this point in time my care factor is zero. I am as Elton John would say “too low for zero”. (See song https://youtu.be/PjzkGKczRNY).

But in there still is yank 2. We still talk on skype at least once a week, even if not as long as we did and it is his friendship and our crazy illuminated, animated conversations that have helped. He talks me through things with intelligent perspective. He is as off the wall as I. It is sad it is only friendship but it is much treasured.

When will groundhog day cease and things start to make sense.

Love and whitelight xx

Quite right! post mortem..

So I am sitting having a Jamesons’s (yes I know it was morning, but somewhere in the world it was evening…like Chicago for instance! LOL) and I get a text from him (the one formerly known as ‘the good one’) saying “I am sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted and also for the hurt I have caused you…I don’t know what else to say…sad face icon”.

Ahhh my answer to that was “how about nothing” like I asked (I said that words weren’t necessary from him because I had heard it all before those exact words in fact and I understood what was going on. And it was now done). It wasn’t necessary and up till that point I was OK with it all.

But he did that, all the time. Apologised profusely after making the hit…it was like he was making himself feel better. “I am sorry…I dont know why I am like this, I seem to hurt everybody. I dont mean to and I really hate doing it..” If you don’t want to hurt people then how about exercising some restraint and not doing anything to hurt about. I always found myself questioning “was he for real? or was he some carefully calculated manipulator?”. I guess I am still smarting from the narcissist and maybe that has made my view of everything slightly tapped. I know where my faults lay. I am perfectly imperfect!

But I guess that’s being harsh. Reading my last post I really do look like a hopeless lap dog that made a rod to beat her own back. Again. I went back for seconds and thirds over a year knowing fully well he was not capable of committing, for long. He got bored easily. Needed the next fix of excitement a new thing would bring. I dont doubt that he has his eye on one right now. Or maybe its the one he told me he could never quite get..the Makeup counter girl from Myer…the one that wouldn’t give in.   I remember what he said about his ex…the one before me where he did commit for 4 months (that was a longtime). And if that is the lesson to be learnt…well..shit I hope I have…But it is so hard to tell what is real these days.

I remember yesterday apologising for some of the things I had said in my blog the other night whilst drunk, drunk and over it all. He was particularly phased by my ‘insipid’ comment. I do not want to hurt anyone either, especially not him because of how I feel about him. Once again, I guess I will never know the true story about him. That is sad. Somewhere inside is the one I loved, I saw glimpses, it was wonderful.

Maybe it really was the shoe just didn’t fit…we tried 3 times. I wonder if I was the only one with that dubious honour. I know his ex wanted him back but he said no. He was not happy about a comment she made when they were out about being free to do what she needed and like me she seemed to drink too much, well I have lately, I wonder if there is a correlation?? I guess that meant that he was not as in control of that relationship. But I kind of wonder if she was feeling as I did…that he just wasn’t ‘there’ really there and knew it was a hopeless case.

We all react badly and never show our best sides when we are hurting. And love is the biggest hurt of all. I know he will probably read this and hate me. It hurts to think that even though I know I will never see him again. At the moment it is raw and I still love him. Once in a fight he said to me “you dont love me, you just love my cock”. I told him all men had cocks! Well, they do.

It’s my love of them that gets me into trouble unfortunately! but I digress…

Need more Jamesons…I think…straight up..just as I like everything…

Love and whitelight xxx

Relentless..cat ping pong…f%$#k NBIA

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. Well, right now I challenge that assumption (and who the hell was the smart fucker who coined that phrase anyway?!). Things feel relentless. Things feel so mind blowingly out of control that at times I feel like I am out of body looking at my situation from a parallel universe saying ‘what the fuck?’. Like I am the mouse frozen with fear rolling stiff as a board between the paws of the merciless cat as he just ping pongs me to and fro…

I spent the day with my eldest son yesterday and his disease (neurodegeneration with brain iron accumulation or NBIA) is progressing fast again and I know that time is limited and it hit me after he left yesterday. It left me a crying mess on the bed in my bedroom. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know how to stop it and that just kills me inside. He is now not in control of his body as the dystonia progresses, he writhes uncontrollably at times and often in pain and hearing him cry out for morphine…he was always a very strong boy pain wise so I know he really is in pain when he asks for it. He finds it difficult to speak now. You can just make out the words through the mumble because his tongue is not in his control anymore, he finds it difficult to eat. He has a tube in his stomach for when he cant. It is like he is trapped in a body that is failing him…I WISH IT WAS ME and not him. Why can’t I take that pain away from him?

Botox has been some help in loosening the limbs enough to give him temporary relief but it no longer available on subsidy. The government has pulled it. I don’t have that kind of money. His father does but for some reason chooses not to pay it anymore..probably to do with his controlling screaming harpy nutcase of a wife and the massive mortgage for the new mansion she talked him into buying….she has managed to destroy all relationships within his family and the one between him and I as well with her ridiculous insecurity. There is a reason why I divorced him biatch..I don’t want him back. But I do want him to communicate with me about my son and I want access to him (my son) which is not easy at present because of her and her Jedi mind control of him. Another out of control situation.

I can’t find work here at present, Perth is once again a lame duck as the mining boom has long gone and the idiot government here wasted so much money thinking the boom was forever that we are now in bad deficit and they are cutting essential services before anything else. I know I could if I go back to Sydney I would instantly get work but I can’t leave with my son fading now. I promised him.

And my love life reads like several bad episodes of ‘Days of our lives’. In a drunken stupor the other day (yes I am anesthetizing myself more regularly at present, it is the only thing keeping me from the nuthouse), I caved in and messaged ‘the good one’ about a week later, even after my brave talk about ‘the dance’ and he seemed content when I told him I am happy to ‘fuck him same place same time next week’…DONT JUDGE ME, I HAVE NEEDS…

Yes, I did use some harsh language and told him in no uncertain terms I am onto him..always was but I do like his penis, it is the best of a bad bunch at present. A distraction of sorts. He seemed to like my bravado and told me ‘I know I do your head in, but I really do like you’. Ahhhgh. What’re you gonna do?!

And more recently I find myself thinking that life in Arizona with the narcissist, amongst the rattlesnakes and scorpions may have been easier. I still at times have a mental picture of that photo of he and I when I was 16 and he was 25 (see my photos) and think..what might have been. He wasn’t a narcissist in those days. At least, I dont think so.

Ohhh, I am slipping…I am lost….what to do?

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

 

Not doing that dance again!

There comes a time when you finally realise that the only person to blame when it comes to dud relationships is yourself. I have bemoaned for years why nearly every relationship I have had has fallen way short of the mark. Today, a line was finally drawn in the sand. And I ain’t doing this dance again.

Nearly 4 days ago I caught up with ‘the good one’. The hot water system where I live was on the blink and was going to take time to fix so I booked myself into a  nice City hotel for a couple of nights to spoil myself. Courtesy of the ‘go see Yank 2 in Chicago fund’. I had finally felt over yank 2 and it was nice being in touch regularly with ‘the good one’, kind of a good distraction from other things and I always had a soft spot for him. And the sex was always off the charts with him!

He met me downstairs in the hotel lobby, as I walked out of the elevator he was sitting looking very handsome and directly at me as I walked out. We both smiled real smiles of joy and warmth it felt like. He still was able to make my heart skip a beat, seeing him in person again after many months. We had been talking to each other again even before the yank and I broke up but just as the good friends we were.

We hugged and did the European kiss on both sides of the face and then walked arm in arm out towards the place we were going to for dinner. Our conversation was happy and non stop, it felt like we had so much to tell each other. Over a lovely dinner we did, tell each other what had been going on; both ending relationships recently (well I could say mine really wasn’t as such being so long distance with only Skype date nights twice  week, and then just emails and phone calls, mainly instigated by me of course. Well, not the Skype dates, he really loved those and always insisted we keep it up no matter what).

Inevitably, we ended up back at my hotel room and had a marvelous number of hours together. It felt so natural, as if we had only been together yesterday. Being a Thursday night, a day earlier than planned he had to go to work the next morning and it was so strange waking up without him laying next to me which is what we usually always did when spending the night together. We texted a number of times the next day. We also talked about seeing each other over the weekend, he told me he had these music videos he had just bought he knew I’d like..we share a mutual love of good music, same types and often had great nights in at his house listening to great music.

Being winter many around us have been ill with colds and flu. I myself have been very nasally after coming back from Sydney and all the dirty polluted air I inhaled regularly. I had made a comment on one of my texts after he said what an awesome night we had and how good it was to see each other again said that it was strange waking up without him next to me that morning. We have always been open and honest with each other and spoken frankly. It was then after some of the answers back I realised he was in retreat again. And the comment about not being sure I was his forever after, and not wanting to hurt me came and it was then I snapped out of it PRONTO. “You idiot, you did it again”; that is me I am talking to.

I had forgotten that at one stage this guy and I had been quite full on and that over time he started to retreat and then made a similar comment about the forever after (which he also used to describe the woman he just broke up with). Yes, we continued a friendship, even without the sex ever since that time but ultimately I realised my Achilles heel with this guy…realistically, I should have ran for the hills no matter if he was wearing his nice guy disguise.

Well, today I have. A moment ago, 3 days after we last spoke to each other I get a text asking how I am, and how sorry he was he didn’t communicate in the  last few days as he has been sick with a cold/flu. Awwww, poor baby, I guess your fingers were all blocked up as well as your damned nose.

Ahhh, I guess I am sounding like a typical woman at this stage but in all honesty I can laugh at myself. I guess I finally realised that I no longer wish to do this dance. Accept a man who only sees me as an option.

I deserve much better than that. And I am happy being single and free without the exasperating wank and bullshit that seems to be going on out there these days.

I will miss our conversations. And in some weird way he was right, we did have a good connect to be able to talk to each other about everything. He was often message me to see how life was going. Talk me through my next adventures on the dating scene and other things. He is good compared to many others, but not good enough for me.

So I have not yet returned his text. And I have no intention of returning it. I don;t want to be mean spirited or game playing like many are. I have simply had enough. Self respect and preservation. Another lesson learned. Life goes on.

Love and whitelight xxx

Much Ado…oh dear

Well, I finally lost the plot yesterday.  BIG TIME. Alcohol fuelled admittedly and mad as hell but I freakin lost it. I told my ex husband a few what for’s, especially about his not so nice wife who has managed to create so much damage in so many ways; breaking family connections etc through her extreme neuroticism and insecurity. My choice name for her is far too bad to publish here and not a word I would ever usually use because it is just a bad word…but I called her it several times much to his disgust. I DONT CARE and I needed to let it out.

He tried to interfere and complicate my seeing my sons; so I let him have it…all of it..I have always been a big supporter of him as a dad, I know he loves our boys but now they are older and with everything that has happened I could no longer hold back. Sometimes you just need to say what you have bottled up for years. No going back now.

At least, after the ado, the plans to see my sons today came back on track and I am so looking forward to seeing them…it fills my soul to have those two beautiful humans in my arms. And it has been far too long. It was one of the reasons I high tailed it back here apres merde hitting le fan! And losing my job. And then getting back here and losing the man I was kinda in love with. Just to get some time with my boys. And then  re-calibrate.

The days have passed and I know it really is over with yank 2. He hasn’t written, but neither have I.  Yesterday prior to the dummy spit at my ex husband I was having a few Margaritas and listening to some great music. Unfortunately in my alcoholic happy haze I purchased some songs off Itunes that related to our time together and thought I would remember the good things. I was missing him.

KC and the sunshine band, one night we were having a laugh as we did on our marathon skype sessions and he put a song he really liked on by KC; ‘get down tonight’ https://youtu.be/FpoI7vK4uvY ….and we danced..well..as much as we could listening to it and carrying on on skype. I loved that he just let loose in front of me, this lanky 6’3 but handsome man could show his vulnerable and sometimes childlike side to me.

Then I made the mistake of playing 2 others; Melodie Gardot’s ‘baby I’m a fool’..I put the video in one of my previous posts, and Tim Buckley’s wonderful ‘Strange Feelin’… https://youtu.be/loOzxap0YAc …he used to play that alot..sending it to me on skype.

Lost it then. Realised how much I did miss our conversations. We weren’t perfect, there were some bumps in the road, but we talked it through. He was able to do that. Not many men like to talk things through…that’s a feminine domain. God I miss that. And just talking about anything and everything that was infinitely more interesting than ‘Mrs Jone’s cat needing surgery for a bowel obstruction’…oh dear

Popular belief and past history tells me this can’t be resurrected. A relationship is like glass; once it shatters you can try to put it back together but it is never the same. For some silly reason today, sky grey and stormy, raining..I look out the window and imagine what it would be like to just talk to  him again. Crazy, silly, and wishful thinking.

I guess there will be days like these. He was the only man capable of making me completely forget about Joe. I could never work out how I managed to become so wrapped up in that man. The damage he caused with his psychological ministrations. But yank 2 more recently told me I had ‘alot of getting your shit together ‘to do. He was kinda right. And in the same breath he said ‘I am not rejecting you’, knowing how sensitive I still was from my past experiences. And even though that was a little ‘pot calling the kettle black’, we were both fools, but it kind of worked. Well it seemed that way for a while.

After being back here for a couple of weeks, I realise this is not the place for me. But right now I don’t know where is. I love Sydney, I guess I will go back once I sort a few things out here. Right now that would be hard, because I envisioned being there with Yank 2 in the future. I guess time will heal that.

Isn’t it sad. You know that people come into and out of your life, some stay, some go but what I still struggle with is the fact that sometimes the ones you want to stay, go, and  it leaves you feeling like there is something unfinished. I remember once after an argument where I blocked him on Skype he sent a message ‘until the next life’. He may be right.

Love and whitelight xx

The universe works in strange ways

“Women are their own worst enemies. And guilt is the main weapon of self-torture . . . Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”- Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

I quoted this in a previous post well over a year ago but it resonates and this time for a different reason. I woke up and realised that yank 2 really didn’t give a fuck in the end. No thought to what we had built over the months of constant contact. And being the completely insecure yet ironically arrogant person he was it was easier because he has his flying circus around him at present…he is the centre of his universe. His needs are being met at present so my usefulness had expired. Took me a couple of days to wake up, but I did.

The last few days of at first crying in foetal position and just letting the day pass in either a sleep haze or a drunken stupor and then marathons of ‘Sex and the City’ my favourite series of all time; because it is guaranteed to make me laugh my arse off and remind me how ridiculous relationships between men and women and just life in general can be have worked somewhat.

I thought it would take more time to get over this. I am not completely over this yet but I am in a much better place than I thought I would be. But this wasn’t a ‘Joe’ situation. The ‘him’ in life beyond him. I realised that yank 2 hadn’t had quite the grip on my heart I thought he had, his final actions  how he chose to handle the end of things put paid to that and I guess just the fact that some of the work I did on myself when recovering from the Joe-tastrophy of nearly 18 months ago and just working on myself..post anti-depressants, psychoanalysis dealing with years of pain and abuse hidden…all up…I am much stronger.

The shit has literally been hitting the fan over these last weeks. Losing my job in an unjust way; and then yank telling me I was a ‘field of red flags’ and he didn’t doubt why I would have difficulty securing another job, a huge case of the pot calling the kettle, but ahh all I can feel is sympathy for him. There is a lovely soul in there somewhere but he himself was a real kind of fuck up too; we were birds of a feather. But I know where my faults lie and freely admit it. Flying back to Perth, where even though I am happy to be here and see my sons it will never really feel like ‘home’, not  like Sydney does. But I am here for a while until I sort things.

I was so pissed off the other day that I went out, did a shop of really expensive make up (I would not usually do that and I hate shopping!) had my hair cut, lunch and then spent the rest of the day blowing a good part of my ‘visit yank in America’ fund at the casino in the hope that I would snap out of hoping he would at the last minute write me a beautiful ‘I am sorry, I was wrong, I want you here’ email (I have blocked him on Skype now) and I would fly off to Chicago and into his arms and all would be right again.  I cried on the way home that night thinking how stupid I was blowing that money and that I was only hurting myself. He didn’t care, he’d shown that.

The next day feeling hungover and blue I realised it was my idiotic way of trying to save myself. To stop that wishing to be with him, if I didn’t have the funds…even if he changed his mind I could no longer afford to go anyway….BUT…

Something strange was unfolding. The universe saw fit to have that money returned..god knows without work I needed it but in my pain and sadness I didn’t care at the time. A number of other wonderful and strange coincidences occurred that pulled me out of my black reverie and made me realise there is a reason for everything. And I am grateful for the universe’s intervention yet again. When you feel you are about to hit bottom the universe steps in…each day I am more in awe of it…lets just say many things have and are happening right now that show me the power of the universe….wow…

The last few days I have had the support of ‘the good one’ I wrote about him about a year ago. Our friendship has lasted, his decency in how he handled things with me when we stopped ‘dating’ only served to create an affection and respect for him that no other man has been able to garner. He has said pretty much ‘I am here for you’ and he has been. He lectured me earlier in the piece about yank 2, well not lectured, he doesn’t do that but he is always honest with me. He is seeing someone and I am happy for him but I am glad we have our friendship. I only wish yank 2 was mature enough to have handled things better, I will miss our friendship and amazing talks. We did connect on so many levels. It is sad.

I get to see my beautiful son this weekend. His strength in what he himself is going through only solidifies my thoughts of ‘what right do I have to feel sorry for myself when he is going through what he is’.

I am catching up with friends today for lunch. My dear cherished friend is flying in from the States today and we will catch up in the next days….timing…

And yesterday I had a call about some temporary work, which I know will go some of the way to getting me back out there and helping my confidence after the last job.

All up, I have so much to be thankful for. THANK YOU UNIVERSE.

Love and whitelight xxx

The anniversary…a year past

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. This blog has been my friend throughout a turbulent and strange year. It’s almost a year since I started it. Only yesterday, and strangely it took a while during the day to realise it; was exactly 1 year to the day that I walked out on Joe in Arizona. That day. One of the worst sick, horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach when I realised I had to. That the man I felt so much for and thought was going to be my life partner going forward was not what or who I thought he was and I was crushed.

It was hard to stand there waiting for the taxi to come, which took absolutely ages and in the meantime he was standing there opposite me initially saying “why?” “do you expect me to make a decision immediately?””what did you expect?” “You going to a hotel makes no sense” and other things of that nature…it was a horrible snapshot of time because inside I was breaking up.

I had never loved and put so much faith in a man before. I trusted him, implicitly. I had allowed myself to regardless of red flags, warning bells in my head and friends telling me all did not seem right. I went against my instinct and I paid very dearly for that. I had never known much about narcissists; its a word and label that is bandied around quite frequently these days and lets face it we all have shades of narcissism in us. But it is not until you finally realised what you had been dealing with and that it wasn’t you…because you tend to internalise and they have a way of making you feel that everything that is wrong in the relationship and just with you in general…your head doesn’t know if it’s Arthur or Martha..it is horrible. And then to realise that most of your male relationships were similar…you had a ‘type’ and you had accepted that type all your life because that is where you felt comfortable even when you knew deep down things were not as they are supposed to be…I was truly a willing participant in  a ‘Stockholm syndrome like mentality’ a majority of my life..at some level but when you realise it..it opens you up and tears at your soul and until you spend time on yourself accepting your true vulnerable self and becoming comfortable with that vulnerability because that is when you know you have become authentic..the struggle continues.

I am now in Sydney. I thought this was the answer and don’t get me wrong I do love it here and always have. I’ve spent many years on and off over my life here and predominantly only had good memories…with the exception of making some really stupid decisions at one stage; investment wise and losing a ridiculous some of money which would now have had me living off the interest alone had it all come to where I thought it would. But that is past. It is gone. Just like the experience I have bemoaned  written above. It must be let go.

I’ve felt a profound sense of loneliness lately and some really sobering realizations. Firstly, but most obviously (of course you stupid stupid woman) I miss my sons terribly. In quite the period before leaving Perth I did not really get to spend time with them as often as I would have liked anyway, but I was ‘there’. Secondly, it doesn’t matter where you go the fact remains that if you are not happy it is not really the place that makes the big difference it is how you feel about yourself inside, and I thought I was feeling good and strong but now I question that on a daily basis even with many things going right like getting a job almost immediately when getting here and my relationship with Yank 2 going as well as can be expected considering the distance apart geographically. I have a dear friend who I am getting to spend time with but he is not necessarily in a good place himself at present and that is difficult to watch.

It’s about connectedness, not only externally but internally. I have been running on disconnect for so long I realise that my world feels empty for the lack of true human connectivity that most have, although I know there are also a lot of other lonely people out there and sometimes it manifests itself as depression and other wonderful (!) illnesses because you feel you are on your own in this goddamned shitfight that is life but really if you really  seek better and more deeper and lasting connections I have seen the difference in life that it makes. As Taylor Swift would put it its her tribe or posse or some other term that escapes me at this point in time that keeps her world flowing. (Did I really just mention Taylor Swift?!!).

I spent alot of my more recent years wanting to spend every bit of time I had with my boys, especially Jordy with his illness progressing and then when it was my time to crumble (when they were with their father pretty much full time except weekends) I did in spectacular fashion away from them so they couldn’t see it (no child, well they were older teens by then, but even so they do not need to see their parent falling apart so I did it alone and in the isolation of my room for long periods of time). People thought I was alright but I wasn’t and I would often decline invitations from friends because of it, making excuses because I simply could not face it. And what that got me was solitude in life alright. But now I am much better in so many ways and the solitude I once coveted I no longer wish to have and yet it is still there. People have moved on. I have a reasonable amount of Facebook friends and i get to watch how magnificent their lives are; parties and get togethers, travel, family functions, all sorts of connectedness and I am watching it all from the outside; like Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s where she peers into the window and sees these beautiful jewels but they are so far out of reach in reality, yet still she hopes and dreams. I do go out, my friend and I did the usual Friday night bar hop in this big beautiful city Friday and had a blast, but on my way home and in a drunken stupor and even with people everywhere, around me, there was this profound sense of loneliness.

My boss this week told me that the trip I was planning to take to Chicago in July to go see my new ‘love’ meet and be with him at his family wedding he so kindly invited me to, was a definite no go because she was on leave over that time and anyway “we just assume that because you are only a contractor you don’t need to take holidays/leave”…and after that another dream became so out of reach that I struggled for a while to see the point of it all. What am I working for apart from putting food in my mouth and trying to find an affordable roof over my head here in a very exciting but truly expensive city rent and housing wise?

Dear god, it is the Hamster wheel all over again.

So where is that magic ‘on’ button? Where you flick the switch and the A ha occurs and you say; yep today I am truly satisfied with my life. I am happy. What is it within me that still manages to not allow me to feel that true sense of gratefulness daily…I even feel bad about these things I am moaning about considering what so may others are going through. What is the answer?

Love and whitelight xx

 

Walk of the EGO…miss you Ziggy..it ain’t pretty

So, I would normally fall into bed at this point of the night. I have imbibed alot (still am against my principles but my off switch tonight seems faulty but at least I am aware of it and as advised by my ‘good one’!! Long story…), alot more than intended and that should occur on a Tuesday night. BUT, I am unemployed..still, and slightly troubled and my brain is in free-fall over a number of things. As my regular readers would know.

It has been a craggy day on many levels. Being questioned by some 20 something year old recruiters who knew the secret to all the world problems and how to cure cancer (do I have an attitude? No, not moi!!). hang fire, love this, love Edith Piaf;

..on my way back on the train I met an old school friend who I had an affair with long ago even though I knew he was married and it was highly AGAINST my principles and therefore very awkward because I think he still wants more…and I WOULD NOT now again, ever ( perhaps Joe was my Karmic retribution on a massive scale?), and then when I visited my so-called new friend, who wanted to become a Facebook friend immediately, against my instincts…WTF? And then ,tonight as I visited him as he had asked me to previously issued a ‘ahh, I have a ‘friend with me right now” Oh hello, so what? I don’t want to shag you  daggy fucker even though we did once with your tiny penis, we were supposedly friends? As you requested. Head fuck or you tried to and HELLO it doesn’t work! HA!

Why do we have to immediately ‘friend’ people on Facebook?  For numbers and self satisfaction? Is it an EGO walk, hell I have 500 FB friends ain’t I the bomb…ahh sorry..DA BOMB!!  Shouldn’t  we take time to get to know each other, somewhat?

Is a fleeting experience enough?  After Joe and I, I am so anti and on guard.

A surprising upside.(.see I told you! I see upsides!)..was that as I was crying my arse off waiting the hour for the next bus from one place (in Perth our bus system is highly useless as well as other essential services so even though the city is pretty DO NOT MOVE HERE IT IS HELL) and then another hour for the next (I was prepared however with a 4 pack of rum and coconut milk), and in that time my ‘good one’ that I had denounced (the other one, Italian, cute but averse to conflict yada), had redeemed himself by talking to me almost the entire time in  caring, somewhat ‘loving’ ….dare I say it..tone…quelle surprise..and it was lovely, even though I realise the yank has made me very cynical and suspicious about most men…well it just shocked the hell out of me but I am grateful..and he actually said tonight that he knew what we had and he was grateful that we met….say what?

Anyway, speaking of what, yesterday one of my most favorite artists passed DAVID BOWIE, Ziggy Stardust, Alladin sane etc.. I guess I am still slightly freaked out by that.

I listened to his music; particularly the album ‘Diamond Dogs’

well, tape actually repeatedly as I tried to switch off from the bullshit background of my alcoholic abusive father and idiotic shrill narcissistic mother fought endlessly, relentlessly.

He was a go to…his music is timeless and will always be a part of me…RIP Mr Bowie..with love and light, always xxx

I guess I should go to bed…its late now and I am completely shamozzled…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

In the spirit of ‘go with the flow’

Its been over a week since my last post (Boy, that almost sounds like a confessional doesn’t it…forgive me father for I have sinned its been so long since my last confession).

I have been laying here awake since some ungodly hour…it is now 0423 am, ruminating, something I do far less these days but I guess we all have times like this when we wake and just can’t get back to sleep and then  thoughts raid our minds.

So I got up and made a hot cocoa and decided to write. Ahhh my dear blog I’ve missed you old friend…

Not alot has been happening since the big hoohaa of New Years. But then again did I really expect it would? It’s been 6 days! I haven’t won lotto, haven’t had a marriage proposal…oh now I am waffling..

You see, I kind of broke my cardinal rule. Do not Facebook friend any men I have ‘dated’ because they will see my blog posts as I post through my page (and then reset the privacy feature) and may out of curiosity actually click through and read it. And this has been my private (semi) pleasure and release, most of my readers are overseas (I know this because of the wonderful stats wordpress shows you). They may just see how really damned kooky I am!

But then I said to myself ‘this is you, this is what you do, it is your life and you don’t need to feel censored by other peoples opinions’ as many of us including me have felt and therefore live an inauthentic life. Just go with the flow, do what you want and just relax. Be yourself.

I just started to write about…him (the yank)..and his expectations of me and then I realised that up until this point and even after my random ‘fuck you…wasted too much of my energy on you …OVER’ text in a drunken stupor on New Years eve I rarely think about him or bring him up in conversation anymore, although I did on the weekend because I was discussing the story with a lovely man I’ve met. And I had decided to really step away from ‘the good one’ because I feel he was only ‘good’ to serve his own purpose and was highly averse to confrontation hence the ‘goodness’ ie it was all part of his modus operandi.

I had a lovely weekend. We walked the beach, drank copious amounts of whiskey, talked and laughed and he invited me to stay over and I did. We watched back to back shows off netflix etc  all the next day and couch potatoed and all up it was just lovely and peaceful and he was very good company.

So easy to be with and talk to.

And the funny thing that happened was that he did not want to sleep with me our first night (I say funny because for me I remember going through a ‘this does not compute’ moment). Now I know this is the ‘rule’ that many espouse but I happen to enjoy…the act..immensely… and if I feel like it I just do it. Why not? I am single, free, and at what I consider my prime and dammit if men can why can’t us women? Or those of us that don’t have a problem with it and actually enjoy sex and haven’t got our sphincters tightly clenched “oh, how ghastly, how ho-ish, you have to play hard to get, make them work for it” …Honey, I don’t play games, games are for children.

I know I am not the only one (That doesn’t make it right, and I don’t think it makes it wrong either…it is personal and subjective), but many will not admit to it let alone put it in a public blog! And he had said to me ‘I have never done that in my life, slept with someone I just met’ and ironically I was thinking ‘what the? How old fashioned’ but I guess this goes back to what is ‘socially’ and morally acceptable and the rules and expectations that have been imposed on us, some of which is necessary for absence of chaos! And then your own personal moral compass.

All I know is, I have had enough of regret and choose to live my life as I want to without judging myself and trying not to judge others also. To just ‘go with the flow’.

So it seems he and I will become good friends, well at this point it does. We seem to connect on a different level and it is nice and easy and honest.

Why not enjoy our experiences with people as they flow into and out of our lives often for very good reasons and lessons. Some for life, some for just a fleeting moment. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Love and whitelight xx