Cliched but true….where’s the accent aigu on my damn keyboard bloody HP…

Accent aigu is the little comma looking thingy (acute) that sits above the ‘e’ in french words that distinguishes the sound of the e.  What was the point of that bit of useless information? None really. I’m waffling. Actually there was a point to me talking about cliche’s but it has gone completely out of my head for now, bahh… Happens alot nowadays. With this bloody depression my mind is shot. My mind just goes blank all of a sudden. Perhaps its a gift from the 17 years I took anti-depressants because no bastard gave me the option to try life off them. Dunno (Aussie for Don’t know!).

So far it feels like another good day, no pain just numbness. But that may be because I tied one on last night as I intended. Sick of the shit in my head I self medicated with a lovely bottle of Red again. At least there were anti-oxidants!

Unfortunately I broke my no contact rule with shithead and wrote a very short email to say I hope his girl had a happy birthday. And I meant it at the time. I was all liquored up and feeling happy and generous. I even put a link to a song I was listening to at the time Earth Wind and Fire’s “That’s the way of the world” (https://youtu.be/_R2RsP43rmg) I often used to send him songs and things when things were OK. And at the time time I thought I could handle it. WRONG. Bloomin Aussie…mad as a cut snake!

There is a reason for no contact, it’s because you need to cut all ties with your pain and give yourself the chance to heal unencumbered by the hope that they will reply. I knew he wouldn’t (I was discarded disdainfully months ago) but it still hurts. And I did not write it with an expectation of a return, at the time. I should not want to have anything to do with him because if I look at the trail of what happened it is complete BS. And he is a twat of the highest order (Worse than that) and I should be doing an Irish jig that he is out of my life. But. Cognitive dissonance. It’s a bastard.

My inability to rein myself in is a constant battle. It is exhausting. Many would say ‘just do it’ you are behaving like a petulant child, yes, I am. I have no sense of discipline or boundary where love is concerned, I have never felt this way about anyone before, ever. If I want it I want it and I don’t care if I hurt myself in the process. That is not good. It’s death by a thousand cuts psychologically.

Elizabeth Taylor (many young readers will not know who she was probably), yes she who married 8 times including twice to Richard Burton was a love addict. She was a case and a half. But she always maintained Burton was the love of her life until the day she died. They just couldn’t be together. They ripped each other apart physically and psychologically. It was really quite a crazy state of affairs. He was a man prone to raising his fist, he would punch her in rage and yet she remained faithful to him in her heart. Absolutely INSANE.

Why does that happen? I put it down to cognitive dissonance. Terms like that weren’t around in those days, or maybe yes they were Festinger wrote about the theory in 1957. A man ruling a woman was the way it was done years ago. He was seen as Macho unless he couldn’t control his woman. There are still male /female discrepancies, imbalances today. He..used to constantly say to me “I just wish I hadve brought you back to the States with me 30 years ago”, it became like a mantra. And I sometimes think what he meant by that was that he could have molded me to what he wanted because I was still young then. I remember once he said ‘I often wonder if I did (if had have made love to me when I was 16) would we still be together today’.

Oh yes, his words were potent to me. They still linger. I love and hate him at the same time. I am sick.

Exposing myself and my stupidity publicly is the only way I know right now to try help myself. I could phone a friend, but there are many reasons I don’t. One is I hate admitting I am still in the same place as I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that. That is depression as well as the fallout from him. Groundhog day.

Days with bits of sunshine here and there, some days of hope and then….

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Where’s my psych when I need her?

I’m not sure what happened but the last day or so I have gone slightly backwards again. Actually, I do know, I took a chance to do something I enjoy and have 5 seconds of peace from my mind by having some wine and listening to music and ended up drinking far too much of the bottle, bringing up thoughts of someone who was just starting to leave my troubled mind and I’ve effectively taken the steps back.

I remember as I did it thinking I won’t feel that way because I have made incredible inroads out of my black hole, dealing with things and felt quite confident that I could partake without going down that road. He had began to not matter as much. Nearly 3 months its been.

I was wrong. I know I mustn’t beat myself up and I have spent far too much time back trying to analyse why I would want to make contact with him again. There is sometimes still, this overwhelming feeling that there needs to be a ‘do over’, that somehow it was all a bad dream and the good stuff is coming! What if he really isn’t a Narc and just completely misunderstood, it’s all some terrible mistake.

Why can’t I recognise that there is a difference between what my fantasy or what I thought he was and we could be and what the reality is.

I remember when I was with him nothing was even remotely as I expected. Even his kiss. He could not kiss (that in itself was strange because I thought I had remembered when I was 16 he was the most amazing kisser, but I was 16). His tongue seemed liked a lizards poking in and out with such frantic-ness (no technique) I remember pulling my head back for a second my mind saying “wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting that”. It was a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) in the episode where she has what she called “Jack Rabbit sex”, where the guy humorously bangs away like he’s jack hammering the sidewalk, her head pummeling against the bedhead and the next day she can’t walk properly and her neck is practically paralyzed. And then he has the audacity to say to her when she tries to nicely say lets just leave it at that; “If I knew you were going to use me for sex I wouldn’t have ‘made love’ to you like I did”. It’s hilarious.

And now when I think about it, there were so many other things that just made no sense whatsoever. Although there were certain things I expected and was right about too. Sadly. Why the analytics still? Why can’t I just let it go? It almost feels as if there is some kind of strange ‘something’ that sits in my heart that belongs only to him. That there will never be another for me even though I know he and I aren’t meant to be in this life. It’s madness, utter madness.

Maybe that is it. Even though I have gone through much, that I needed to deal with from a psychological perspective…stuff that can stay with you you’re entire life if you let it (stuff outside of this him and I situation), my mind is still trying to sort the wheat from the chaff, compartmentalise then deal. I am so much better but there is still some way to go.

I need my psych right now, she has a way of facilitating reality in my thoughts. Some days I just can’t do it on my own, still.

I wish he would just explain to me why he said one thing and did the other. Or that we could have parted in a nicer way. I keep thinking friendship in tact, but he was never really truly my friend even.

I keep thinking that he is himself psychologically damaged and that no one will realise it nor he and that he will never get the help he needs. I want to help him, I hate the thought that he will end up on his own, no support. Crazy I know, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. It is not up to me and why should I want to. And maybe I’m just wrong about it all?

So many people look at you when you are mentally unwell and say you look alright, you look fine. But that’s just it. The illness is on the inside it doesn’t always blatantly show on the outer. Some of the most ill have adapted so well that you will never see what is really going on unless you have either been unwell yourself and know the signs or there is a very well trained and capable eye looking at you.

I’m sick of seeing these numbered lists telling you “so many ways to be the perfect person”, follow these ’10 ways to’ and your life will miraculously be magical. This morning, a well known website posted “10 ways to know your are uber smart” written by a a young girl who may possibly be quite smart but by virtue of the fact that she is barely in her 20’s with little life experience how could she possibly know these 10 ways for sure?

The internet has become a quagmire of self help gurus, they are a dime a dozen, everyone’s an expert. This is why I only write about my own experience and try not to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I am showing that I am an extremely flawed individual still finding my way along the path of life.

I’m nearly 50 and I know that I am only scratching the surface of what it is possible to know. It seems the more I learn the more bloody questions I have! …….straitjacket again pleasssse….

Better out than in….how many times can a person bang their head against the wall?

Sometimes you have to say to yourself ‘how many times can you bang your head against the wall before it starts to hurt and you realise how futile it is?’. Well? Even though my psych thinks I am doing OK and progressing, I on the other hand struggle to find the sane person within me on a regular basis. This is a kind of Dear Diary entry today. I need a stern talking to and there is no-one around to do it but me….

Like yesterday. I was doing fine or so I thought. I was talking to a dear friend who is having a tough time right now (Yeh, I know, a bit like the blind leading the blind but how can you say no to a friend in need? Even if you are struggling yourself? I just can’t…say no easily…I care). But the conversation was tough, long and tough, trying to get them to see their way of thinking was not helping them and the biggest irony was that I am not thinking straight either.

I ended up drinking more than a bottle of red wine yesterday afternoon/night, something I rarely do anymore and I didn’t want to yesterday but I found myself there. I just did. There were tears. There was rebellion of thought. And then I did the worst thing I could possibly do after everything and that was to email him (Joe) late last night 9pm my time (Sunday night Perth WA) and would have been 6am Sunday morning in sunny Arizona. Bloody hell. Why? What did I hope to achieve?

My email was short, the title; ‘Still f…ed up…thank you very much’.  An then I pasted a YouTube song link, a Santana song ‘you know that I love you’ and under that I wrote ‘UP YURS;)’ in caps.

What the hell? Crazy is as crazy does…and now I find myself sitting and ruminating again. Back at crazy town, after some good days and good progress. Miserable. Yesterday morning I could see forward a bit. Today, nothing.

Is this meant to happen? I am a grown woman should I not have impulse control by now?  When will this form of self flagellation end. He is the anti-christ not a god, and I am just a dumb bird that fell for his BS. His cocaine hit for a period of time. His ego boost until he found another.  He was never going to respond, why would he? What we had was an illusion, he did not feel anything for me, he is not capable of it, he proved that by his actions but also his inaction.

What is this mad attachment I have to this man? Was my self esteem so shattered that the lies he told in the beginning, the crazy, full on ‘ you are coming to realise that I am your rock, your stability, you may never have had’, ‘your friends may care but not like I do’, “I love you’ within the first 2 weeks, ‘we need to come together for the rest of our lives and we need to do it now’ and many more manipulating, convincing words,  and when the flags warned me and I said ‘no, I need to slow this down a bit, we don’t have to do anything right now’ he said ‘sweetie, that’s not how I do things, I take life and live it, I don’t wait’, and then after his mania started to peter and I was ‘on the hook’ and started seeing things his way and no longer a challenge, when he realised I was questioning things, he started to disappear for periods at a time, throw the odd crumb. Classic Narc. I am still under that spell.

But, as I write…I have reminded myself…where I was…and where I had gotten to so far…before my conniption yesterday. Perhaps, if I step back and think more rationally, if possible with this hangover, maybe, just maybe this is part of the process of clearing.

Maybe, there will be these ‘bumps’ along the road and it is how I navigate them that matters? Come on girl, you have been fighting for so long..don’t give up now. Thought defusion. Remember, these things only have the power if you let them. IF YOU LET THEM….better out than in..

Why the fog still?…swings and roundabouts…no wonder…

I am really struggling today and I am so damn tired of it all.  No wonder psych told me to seriously consider going back on meds even if a low dose for a short time. I have been trying to fight this BS on my own, deal, unmedicated, I did so well to get off them after 17 years but I know they would temporarily lift this merde just enough to get my mind some relief. Today I am tempted for the first time.

It seems like I take steps forward and then go backwards again. (I was really starting to do OK, until the Joe debacle, why did the universe see fit to bring him back into my life after so many years…and a man that has had such a bad effect on me, why him?…all of the circumstances including the fact that he is half a world away, I don’t understand why, it would help but I know trying to get  answers to certain things is futile yet I still…its not just about him though, I know that but it was the catalyst and what happened was real). I need to accept, I need to accept…

Yesterday, I read about other disorders of the mind aside from Narcs like how you can self sabotage, masochism etc trying to find answers and it seems the more options of crazy I see they all seem to be relevant in some way but it still doesn’t help this horrible dark hole I am in. If anything it reveals more cracks and I’m on swings and roundabouts.  It’s almost like I am doing a psych degree by default.

My mind is slightly foggy today. I keep writing, not for sympathy but to get it out and open and some days even that is tough and I really don’t care right now what people think, truly, as I said the psych encourages it and I know there are days I am so grateful for this outlet. It is quite unorthodox to do it this way, or it was, for people to be open about depression and such but I think the more you can get the reality of it out there maybe people will understand. Not for me, but I know there are always people worse off.

I hit another bad point this morning when I spoke with my younger son, he is such a gorgeous young man, beautiful heart and soul and he loves his mum..he shows it regularly but when he is so wonderful I become so wracked again with an incredible guilt it is such a ridiculous cycle..you want them to be happy and have faith in you and then when they realise you are struggling they give you this unconditional love and then you feel you have let them down badly. IT IS AN AWFUL FEELING. And I am so glad that I never let them see me struggling until recently. It would have wrecked them as kids.

If I held it together then why can’t I now? Maybe that was an illusion, maybe I was not as together as I thought.

My younger son said how much his older brother misses me (I haven’t seen him since I before I left for the U.S. and there are ridiculously difficult reasons for that too) and it made me breakdown again, as I write this I am crying. I know I will get above this I have to. But I am confused in the true sense of the word. Today. I have to try limit this. I have to will myself out of thinking this way, give it its time and then put good thinking habits in practice…perhaps you really do need to completely deconstruct to reconstruct…

Can’t keep writing right now, not publicly. Maybe in my journal later with pen and paper…but I need to deal..to smile..somehow…

Bring on the straitjacket…. The more you know.. . Part two..

You really know something is wrong when you continue to bash your head against the wall. It’s a cliche but the old saying that ‘the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different outcome’ rings true here…

I spent a great deal of yesterday going over and over things, thinking and feeling the pain trying to find some order in the chaos. Predominantly him but also how it all relates to my childhood and the following years.  I realised my father was not only an alcoholic abusive he was a narc (there is a spectrum of narcissism) and my mother even though most would look at her and say oh she wouldn’t hurt  fly is a psych case and a very selfish person (the amount of times she told me how weak and useless I was..she is herself illiterate and made no attempt to fix that over the years she preferred people to help and feel sorry for her), and my narc relationships; colleagues, bosses, a teacher that told me I would only ever be a checkout chick at a supermarket (not that there is anything wrong with that..being a shop assistant, it is good honest work). What bloody hope did I have? When you’ve been hammered with it it is hard to see yourself through any other perspective. Then I look at me , I think about the resentment I carry; my parents, my relationships, my sons illness and other shit and it would be so much easier to say….I GIVE UP. I never have completely..but I’ve been so close…

My psych told me to write this list out as part of my homework. I haven’t done it yet because I thought I had forgotten alot of the things this list asks me to recall and put in columns. They have been buried in the chasm…now they are coming out. This is my ‘total recall’ but I ain’t hallucinating and they aren’t false memories.

It has to happen in order to really heal. To wipe the slate as clean as you can get it. Reality is you never forget completely, but you can and must forgive and let go.

My psych did say that I have shown a lot of courage in my willingness to deal with shit. Admitting your part in it everything as well..it’s a process and many prefer to assume they are good just how they are, never going forward.  Some live in ignorant bliss and I guess that is fine because that is their journey…their journey.

The real worrying aspect of the sum total of my learning and experiences, programming and patterns in all this is a paranoia that possibly I could actually be a narc myself?( Some of the criteria includes anxiousness and depression with some narcs and chronic underachievement and I have always thought of what I was capable of but never quite hit the mark although I have done things that many others would never do too! eeekk!) Would that be an incredible twist? Scary.

But then over time I start to think of all of the good things that have happened and then I find some relief. It is getting my mind to stop the replay, the rumination, when you are in this state its not easy to do. When you are tired of it all it is hard to find the strength for the mental battle. To practice good habits instead of bad. The saving grace in it all is that I am aware of all this shit and trying to do something about it. Bring on the straitjacket…just in case….