Are we there yet? A change of view…

I am counting down the days and minutes for this damned year to be over. It has been, to quote our regent “an annus horribilis”, well most of it anyway. I wonder was it just me or did this year seem just slightly more ghastly than usual?

Although I can say with all truthfulness and gratefulness that the lessons learned and the growth I have experienced this year has kind of counterbalanced that yukkyness of the year. And hand on heart I feel that I have emerged a better person for it and my outlook on the future not as bleak and negative irrespective of current challenges.

There are days still lately that I feel like things are just hanging in suspended animation and I am like a marionette hanging in the closet waiting for the puppet master to take me out onto stage of life and see how this plays out…..the clock ticking…ironically I can here the clock in the hallway ticking right now. It seems quite loud.

I am waiting on a response from my job interview last week, they said they would decide by today. I have applied for others what little there is at his moment in time and time of year. Waiting.

I had a long phone conversation 2 nights ago with “the good one”, yes, the one I let go of a week or so ago. He seemed at the time not to know what to say or do but appeared happy to receive my message of  “I bought ‘Evie’ parts 1,2 and 3 by Stevie Wright (an Aussie rock legend from the Easybeats and solo work who passed away boxing day sadly) and am playing it full blast and it made me think of you”, you see we both love the same music genres and era’s and when we spent time together it was often kissing and making love and jamming in the nude (with him playing guitar, music on and me singing sporadically) and it was always very enjoyable, easy and fun.

So after my message he called me and we spoke for hours. And that was nice. But once again I feel like I am…waiting…kinda…

And my sons and I had an awesome Christmas lunch and afternoon together, those days I treasure and hold dear to my heart. Memories to be cherished because his brother and I are trying to make use of the time we have left with my eldest son, this bloody disease….I will not say ‘waiting’ again because a part of me still refuses to believe we will lose him even though this year he has degenerated more than before and it is very painful to watch as a mother because you just want to take away his pain and burden and when you can’t….well it is …..beyond description how it feels….

I am about to go to the gym, the one constant that ironically the Yank Joe (narcissistic wanker) got me started on over a year ago and is now my savior from a health and psychological perspective. The effect of it for me has been far greater than all the years on anti-depressant meds which I now realise I never really needed long term and am damned sure will never again. That has been a positive from this year. The emergence from a psychological ‘coma’ of sorts, and the awareness that I had within me all that I needed to rise above the merde of years gone by let alone this year….not so horribilis:)

So this year has been a gift of sorts. I think when you start to see it from a different view and realise that the things that have hurt you or caused you pain have a hidden gift then you start to feel a well of strength you didn’t know existed. It isn’t easy to say ‘thank you for my pain’, but when you survive and move past it life seems that much sweeter somehow and promising…

That is how I choose to go into this New Year…with a different view….

Love and whitelight xx

Expectations…

This time of the year I wish I was living in America or Europe, where they really get into the spirit of the holiday season. Where each day prior to Christmas is counted down with excitement and people seem generally uplifted irrespective of the craziness going on around us. Here, not quite the same. Sometimes I feel the Aussie spirit has waned and I guess it is a different look here at Christmas because we are usually walking around with shorts and bathers on because it is summer and somehow all the depictions of Santa and his reindeer in snow scenes seems a tad odd.

We are almost at the end of the year. 13 days til Christmas eve, 20 til New years eve and by god I can’t wait until it is all over. The last few years I have said “good riddance” to the year that has been and predicted how wonderful and different the coming year would be and I have been wrong each time (with the exception that my beautiful son is still with us and that is truly a blessing). Negative? Perhaps a little but true, sadly.

This time of the year alot of us have expectations.

I just wrote a whole paragraph of words here and when I read it back I realised that I was being ungrateful and bellyaching so I deleted it and started again.

Reality is that it has been another tough year. One of painful lows and few highs yet after everything the most amazing thing has happened.  I started to feel a sense of pride in myself and I have never been proud of me. I have berated myself endlessly more often than not for things that others have done to me..although I allowed it…or that was my way of thinking. I accepted what happened and always took the blame for it and internalised it to such an extent that it was I who did more damage than the damage itself.

Not anymore.

Habits of a lifetime are hard to break but, it can be done. And I have gone a long way towards breaking bad habits in thinking this year and although it sounds trite, when you have spent years as a prisoner of your mind to sever those chains is incredibly freeing.

I will never forget the magnificent ‘high’ I felt as the plane started it’s descent into Phoenix and I knew I was only moments away from seeing the man that had made my heart beat so hard..more than anyone, ever. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 or so years and then had been talking again for the good part of a year prior to me leaving.  The words and conversations leading up to it all and then the feeling of shock and heartbreak that this person was nothing like the expectation he, and even I had created. Alot can change in 30 years.

Ahhh, ‘expectation’; a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. A dangerous state of being because expectation is a high that only leads in one direction most times….a devastating low or disappointment in the least. When people say ‘it exceeded my expectations’ surely the starting point was much lower than it should have been? Is there any use in expectation?

So at the end of this year, instead of creating the expectation of a fantastic year to come I am going to give it up to the universe. In complete faith that what needs to happen will.

I can feel faith and hopeful about the future but I have no way of predicting nor should I waste my time trying. As Doris Day (gosh I loved her songs and movies as a kid, especially Calamity Jane) would say “Que sera, whatever will be will be”.

Now it is one day at a time, doing my best, loving, caring, smiling as much as I can, not looking forward necessarily and rarely looking back, just looking  up! (As opposed to hanging my head down). Accepting the sad times and rolling with it.  Working toward a sense of inner peace I have never known; no, scratch that…..When I hold my sons in my arms..even now great hulking things they are, that is when I DO feel inner peace.

I want more of that. In a world of selfies and selfishness, noise and chaos, it is a hard thing to find. But not impossible, and worth seeking.

So instead of starting the day worrying about finding work, my son’s illness, how am I going to afford the bills coming before Christmas with no income to pay for it, this, that and all the rest of the merde! I will finish this post with some quotes I like. Don’t worry, I am sure (damn sure!:)) I will have more hi-jinx and interesting posts to come (I have been told by some followers that they love my blog and look forward to new posts…for which I am very grateful x), but for today…

“Never say that you can’t do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can’t be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible.

Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or ANY mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”- Mike Norton (Author and US Military Veteran)

“A good half of the art of living is resilience.” Alain De Botton

-OSCAR WILDE

Love and whitelight xxx

The gentle break up…back on the horse! Hope and faith…

There is never an easy way to break up with someone, it just sucks no matter the length of time and how much you think something has a chance of working. There are two in that equation.

I can’t believe myself sometimes. After everything that is going on and not going on and the bloodied experience I just went through with the narcissist, and my depression and other pieces of merde I still gave the dating thing a go. And there was hope, no scratch that…I STILL HAVE HOPE, AND FAITH that the universe has something wonderful in store for me around the corner and that if I hold myself upright and take one step forward everyday then everything is going to be better.

Last night, on the day my eldest son turned 21 (by god I am so very grateful he made it to 21, against the odds) I got a an uncomfortable text;

“Hi Roz hope all is well:) have been thinking about you and me and as much as we have had lots of fun together and I enjoy your company I’m not sure long term if your the girl for me…don’t know how you feel but I have been thinking about it alot:) I value your friendship and hope we can still have that xx”

And after telling him that I appreciate his honesty (I did say to him on the weekend that if he felt it wasn’t going to be it or he wanted to date others to just be honest with me as I would be with him and although that may sound heavy for a new thing I had to be true to me whether he liked it or not…looking after me finally..), I thought he was a lovely man (because, actually he was and even though we wined and dined, had some fantastic dates and had good nights in together and plenty of texts and calls…initiated by him, not me, I have learned my lessons about chasing a man! It was all in a very short space of time and I had only just started to feel something and he gave me the opportunity to nip it in the bud before it hurt and for that I am very grateful) and that yes we can still be friends (!) he said;

“Thanks for understanding I appreciate that…and you are a beautiful person too and I am glad that we can still remain friends xx”

and then after my reply;

“I felt it best now than later and like you said that once feelings get involved its always difficult..but I hope that we can maybe catch up from time to time xx”

Now the cynic and negative side of me..the BShitometer..the one that was negative through life patterning and experiences did emerge for a nanosecond and thought this;

“you want your cake and eat it to you bastard. You want to keep me there when you need a quick fuck or a fallback (which is fine by me because he did have a nice ….hmmm! And I just might want to do the same…what? I have needs too!!…madness )”

But that was a nanosecond, and the new me is trying to see things from a more positive side and well just learn to think and handle things differently, a change of mindset I have been working so hard on.

He was the type of guy that was all in very quickly, very attentive and loved to cuddle and kiss. Sweet really. And a bit naughty where it mattered! Our conversations flowed and we had alot in common. It seemed like a gift. But then yesterday it was over.  Now I must admit I felt a bit yuk after reading the initial text. But this morning in the light of day I realise that instead of the old me..taking everything to heart and internalising it “what’s wrong with me?” “why am I not lovable” yada yada.  I believe that this is yet another in a series of lessons that I must learn and that my capacity to turn this around in this difficult time (I still have many stresses financially.. and on the job/biz front..there is no work…my latest depression and time off has had a marked effect on my marketability, my son is deteriorating and I have no idea how much longer we have with this insidious bloody disease, I am still looking after an injured elderly mother and staying with her in a place where transport is barely existent which is either isolating (and when you have just recovered from a depression the last thing you need to be is isolated) or very costly in taxi fares, I still on some days think of and email the narcissist against all sanity because I guess I am hoping that he will give what we had together some dignity and care…I guess that is one thing I really need to completely cut off from and being with someone else gave me that mental space away from him…not the right way to do it but it worked and it was nice and I was willing to see where it might lead…openly and honestly..and perhaps therein lies part of the problem…he is still there not as much but is there and it shows even though I try hard for it not to.

After reading this back I am always mindful that there are many others worse off. I say that again and again but I know its true and I feel bad about how overwhelmed I feel at times.

But I have to get back on the horse and keep riding that sucker. I have to keep moving and standing upright. I must believe and hope…or at least fake it until I make it.

A quote well repeated in various forms but in its simplest “With every end there is a new beginning” says it best…I need to stay strong and look upwards…the universe will provide…love and whitelight x

I refuse to go quietly….stuff convention…

It’s taken a day and more searching, because this stuff about him and desperately trying to get myself out of a bas..rd of a depression without medication and dealing with past shit is becoming incredibly boring…I can’t take much more of it. It’s bullshit. Arrrggghhh….in high octave!

I’m starting to get that part of my ‘issues’ are hormonal as well as a healthy dose of midlife transition. I call it transition because midlife crisis assumes you are a chaotic mess and I just won’t own up to that…..not without kicking and screaming …..oxymoronic but…I simply must do it my way.

I’m also coming to realise that this soul searching I was forced into by the calamity of my short lived reunite with Tornado Joe after 30 odd years is in fact an existential transition, ok midlife whatsitthingy and if anyone was ever going to have one in spectacular technicolour it’d be me!

I’m realising I have to embrace it not fight it. I have to embrace all of it. Even the him thing. And not look at it with fear and hopelenssness and all the thought patterning of the past whereby my mind allowed me to go into victim mode, to ruminate and replay reasons why I should see it that way….if I allow that then all this pain and debilitation will have been for nothing. And I will never move forward.

This ‘thing’ has been systematically stripping me of everything I have ever known…or at least the way I view things. The only thing I know for certain right now is that I have changed irrevocably and it is a good thing.

I have no way of knowing if I will ever suffer depression again, it seems very possible I will if I don’t find a way to avoid triggers and find a strength of mind that allows me to lessen the effect.

I have no guarantees that if the insidious disease that my son has does take him somewhere in the near future my ability to stay strong for my other son will be reliable, but I must try, they are both everything to me.

I have no idea what I want to do in the future as a career (I admit up til recently I saw my future with him, helping him with his daughter and sharing our experiences as we grow old together, straddling our two countries, making a wonderful life together, the one we should have had 30 years ago…boy was I wrong:(…that doesn’t matter now…it can’t), I have already lived several career incarnations, none ever really hitting the mark therefore now I am searching for that passion..that thing that will take me into my twilight days satisfied that I have done things well and for the right reasons (quite frankly part of me would be happy living subsistence on a farm in upperkimbuktawest), I don’t need to rule the world but I want to do things I enjoy, not what I am forced to from necessity…I am starting to know what I do enjoy but trying to turn that into a career is a challenge…but it needs to be done because life is too short to be stuck in a soul-less box 12 hours a day saying yes sir no sir to some twat with a ego who actually knows absolutely nothing and is proud of it.

This is a time to take risks and there are no guarantees. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.

All I know is that I can’t just lay down and die. I can’t allow myself to fall back into the old habits just because it is comfortable and familiar…too many do that and never realise their secret hopes and desires.

The only shame in all this would be if I do nothing, follow convention and whimper for the rest of my life.

Was supposed to be psych day today but she couldn’t so I guess it is up to me to life my sorry arse out of this shitty cycle and go out into the fresh air. I’ve been isolating for too long, I realised yesterday I was starting to fear going out into the real world, that whilst I was holed up in my psycho prison I was safe and warm and no one could hurt me here. But I have been hurting myself by doing this.

It’s not easy..Last night I saw the tale end of a program about people being treated for depression by a new form of Electroconvulsive therapy and I remember the same Psychiatrist I walked out on , when he tried to get me to change and up my dosage of antidepresssant plus add lithium after I told him I wanted to try coming off antidepresssants after 17 years, wanted me to consider that also.

Bugger that! I know I have suffered depression, I know that my brain is not wired like others, but I also know that I have very good reasons why I have suffered mentally over my lifetime and it is not all about how my brain is wired or chemical imbalance it is much more environmentally based. I feel it in my gut, instinctively. I have spent far too many years not following my instinct and recently I learned that I am quite intuitive and should.

There was an excellent blog I read yesterday called “Personal Tao” their tagline is ‘Always dream even when awake’, and their page on midlife crisis and transformation really resonated with me.

Not everyone has a midlife ‘thingy’ (!!), but I am grateful for mine, slightly bewildered still, but grateful….

Thought for the day….sometimes you have to laugh…

It’s a short post today. I may post later although that may be a bad idea because I have set Friday as my throw caution to the wind and just enjoy it day now. There is wine and music involved.

I have my psych appointment this morning, I have a number of sessions left before I re-commit to the real world. This has been my ‘deal with’ time, my ‘get better’ time and my ‘ask the surgeon for the missing part of your brain back that he took when you had the partial lobotomy of loving the wrong person’ time!

Should I joke? Depression, existential crisis and other stuff is not funny it’s serious, but I have had many weeks on the incredibly serious wagon and I’m getting real tired of that shit. And they say that laughter is the best medicine.

I know there is a process and time and patience is involved but I have expended an awful lot of time and energy being down in the dark hole, I deserve better…I’ve been working on better.

Realistically, the only person who can really pull you out that hole is you (and for some that is almost impossible, I acknowledge that, but not impossible). But I want out of it for good and whatever it takes I will do.

I’ve been reading some real funny stuff lately (one of my new approaches in distraction and healing…time with comedy, laughter) including a book by Greg and Amiira Behrendt called “It’s called a break up because it’s broken: the smart girls breakup buddy”.   I highly recommend this book co-authored by his wife. (Greg wrote ‘He’s just not that into you’ years ago.)

I love this pearl of wisdom she wrote in her intro apparently by her granny;

“Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit”….think about it!

Things that remind you…changing old habits…happiness?

Changing or re-wiring your thoughts takes time and takes incremental steps. I have been taking these steps.

Every morning now, well, for a good few mornings at least I wake without that horrible dread, that ‘what now’ feeling, that pull towards the dark.  And even though and yes it seems ridiculous to me but it just is, I still have him pop into my head I seem more able to allow it and then it goes pretty quickly (it is very difficult to let go of the deep love you felt for someone even if it was bad for you). It coinciding with other issues that need dealing with slows things a tad. I am starting to feel more hopeful. Less blue. More sure that even though I don’t quite know what the future holds I know there will be one. (Unless I get hit by a bus or something…shouldn’t joke about that because I did get hit by a car many years ago but that’s in the past!  See, I don’t tend to do things by halves!!:)). And then there are times when I say to myself, oh, just get on with it will you?

I was going through my emails this morning and on one of my accounts I noticed two Macy’s emails. Yes that huge department store chain from America. I signed up for emails apparently when I was over there and I bought 3 pairs of shoes in one go (no, I am not a typical female shoe nut I just happened to be at the store killing time…he (now nameless) had no time for me and I had already done some of the housework, been for my walk…he didn’t want me to go out but he didn’t want me there either so I decided to keep myself occupied..and usually I hate shopping!).

We don’t have Macy’s here, I wish we did, or at least the fantastic prices and range they have….Australia and more so Perth is just so ridiculously expensive still even though the mining boom is long over.

Once again I digress. The point was even though I finally am starting to change my thoughts there are still constant reminders of him and they come from the most ridiculous things and I realise as I think that my mind had conjured up a fantastical positive memory of him but at the same time now I know most of that was fallacy. Wishful thinking. Just plain silly. But I have been told and have read that many that have been hit by the tornado of narcissism feel that way, many spend years in therapy. I am lucky my exposure was relatively short this time, but it was enough to f..ck with an already damaged mind.

Simply was not true. It is that that I still struggle with. Admitting this is hard but necessary. At times it makes me feel like I have completely lost the plot and have some weird obsession for this man (even if he was not who I thought he was..he helped construct that image), this man who clearly was a narcissist and quite clearly either doesn’t realise it  or chooses to ignore it (I often wondered why he kept saying to me he wanted a relationship where both watched each others backs no matter what, he knew how to treat the ‘right’ woman…perhaps somewhere there he knew it would take someone extraordinarily masochistic to hang in there under those circumstances, with him. At the time I was so in love and blinded I wanted to give him everything he wanted and more) …I had not even considered he may be (a narc) at the beginning until my Psychologist told me after going through things in depth about our history. It’s been 2 and a half months and I still need to get it out. And I don’t want to burden and annoy people with the same old story so I write..this was part of my reason for this blog. I am not unhappy any more, I know I am still a little stuck but it is changing, I just need to talk about it…as often I need to until I don’t. Until the things that remind me no longer do and are replaced by much happier, more real and worthwhile things…

That’s how badly my mind has been in need of fixing. Re-wiring, re-programming. I always feel so highly aware of how everyone else copes and recovers from bad events in their life and measure myself against that.

That is still there. The damage runs deep. But the healing is happening too. And as I said yesterday I can see a new world of opportunity opening up and its both scary and wonderful at the same time. Still times when I beat myself up but its less and less now and I usually can forgive myself…and say go easy old girl..C’est la vie!

I guess the alternative is scary, back to reality, but seeing it in a new light…without old prejudices and biases? After a lifetime of thinking a certain way, of viewing threw a tainted window.

Yesterday, they released a survey conducted here in Australia about what makes people happy (here in Australia, now). Some of the findings were quite hilarious particularly ‘the happiest women live in Queensland’ and don’t have a partner and the men are happier with a partner. It pretty much inferred that women are happier and healthier without a man in their life!

I wonder if there is something in that? It also said ‘don’t be poor and drink lots of wine’ I kid you not! see just one of the articles written about this study http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-recipe-for-health-and-happiness-in-australia-20150715-gibwxd   Ahhh Aussies! Crazy.

I guess I need to test that theory now…stay single..makes lots of money..and drink lots of my favorite wine, oh and travel to the States more often to shop at Macy’s!….there..the answers been there all the time!

Comes a time….thank you for the valuable lesson…

Isn’t it funny that when you are going through the mire and you hear all the damn cliche’s like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” trotted out by well meaning friends and strangers you just want to either punch them or tell them to “shut the hell up!”

But, and listen up people, the fact of the matter is; IT IS SO DAMN TRUE!

There is so much evidence to prove this much used saying, you got to say…someone coined that for a reason!

When I first started writing my blog the intention was catharsism and distraction. And the theme was just let it go wherever you want it to go..you just need to write, let it out. And I have.

The tone has been so dark in places, and that is because I have been through a pretty dark time in my life, one of many as those that have followed will know. It started as a way of moving past a detrimental relationship, became about a depression I was trying to avoid but ended up having, reliving a bad childhood and past that had affected me throughout my life had a major bearing on how I lived, the decisions I made, the people I chose to see as friends but who really weren’t and had a toxic effect on my life, resentment about my sons’ illness and other hurts, and also about taking responsibility for myself and my actions.

The time has come to choose and take a new direction. To admit that everything that has happened has contained its own lesson…even more recently him, Joe, and I would like to thank him formally here because if he hadn’t come back into my life and stomped on it, I would never have commenced this process of self awareness, honesty, healing and repair and finally come to the realisation not only of the things I don’t want in my life but the epiphany that I now am starting to get about what I do want in my life.

EPIPHANY. The urban dictionary has a quite funny definition; Top Definition. epiphany. a smart-sounding word for realizing you’ve been practically retarded for quite some time.

Now before anyone jumps on the “politically correct bandwagon, waves their hands around in the air screaming “Oh that’s so wrong, to use that word, you are having a go at a people type, boycott this blog yada yada” well no, I’m not, and the urban dictionary is not, and IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE especially these days for one word (IE retarded) to have several references…so there!

I digress.

Time and psych visits, self exploration and will to move forward have been what has finally started to allow me to actually open my eyes, and receive the stuff that some lucky bastards are just born with or learn earlier in life. There is no point in detailing it here there are a million blogs that will tell you the magical formula to success in life. That is not what this is about for me. I want to find a way to write and earn an income from it as well, but it is more important to just do what makes me happy and in the process hopefully those around me will be as well.  I don’t quite know exactly where the change has come from but I feel it…perhaps this mindfulness and forgiveness stuff I have been working on?

So, what do you do with your new found epiphany? Your new way of seeing things? You write about that as well. I was at a crossroads, hence part of the blog title! I kinda still am but I know that there are many options opening up to me that I never saw before.

I am less than a year shy of 50! If I am lucky and I do things right like diet (no, not the starving myself kind…never done that and never will, its about being sensible) and exercise, start to engage/re-engage with the right kind of people; the non toxic, honest, not so self interested and just plain intelligent kind. Find my tribe, so to speak. Focus on things that matter and let the rest take care of it itself. Be kind and aim not to hurt anyone whilst at the same time not put the welcome mat out on my forehead again for people to wipe their muddied boots on. Do things the way I want to not how everyone expects me to ie be authentic…I guess that is a pretty good way to start…

Everyone reaches a crossroads. Sometimes several times in their life. Not everyone gets the lessons or takes the opportunities that sometimes come from places of pain and hurt and that is sad. I will continue to impart my observations and musings, the story about what happens with life beyond him. Maybe not daily, just as it comes… I am grateful and thankful for the valuable lessons.

With love and white light 🙂

You will breathe again…finding you…

It’s been a bloody long journey, I am starting to breathe again.  Some people, particularly those blessed with sound mind are able to ride out life’s tough times with barely a scratch. Generally, everyone has it tough at some time in their life. It’s the Yin to the Yang, the cycle of life. It’s not realistic to be happy and flow easily all throughout life…and anyway, how boring would that be?! There needs to be bad to really understand the good, its about balance. And it’s reality.

Some people for some damn reason get dealt the shit cards (sorry for the language, sometimes there is just no substitute when making a point!) and spend a great deal of their time on this earth in struggle and in those times isn’t it understandable to wonder “why me?”. Others have things taken out of their hands, no say in the matter.

We have become a world where empathy is temporary. We want to see positive and happy all the time it makes us feel good thinking that there is no bad or evil, just Kardashians!  We don’t have to work on anything if we ignore it, the bad stuff, it’s someone else’s problem. Anyway, don’t we have enough on our plate to deal with? There are enough ‘do gooders’ out there to help out, I’ll just sit on the sidelines and clap the champion and all will be well. I’ll just listen to the feel good stuff, that other negative wallow is a downer man. Who needs it?

The general school of thought is that you can ‘think positive’ and all will be well. I agree to some extent, I myself have gone down the mindfulness path amongst other things, thinking positive and being in the moment helps but it fails to take in the realities of life, sometimes things happen that you have NO CONTROL over. If you suffer from any form of mental illness and for many it is not through any fault of their own (we are all a product of our environment), or any other illness it is not always possible to just will it away. I do believe it’s possible to attract prosperity and good will but it has alot to do with the action associated with the thought. That is not to say it is fine staying mired in the victim mentality either (but reality is it is not always an easy process to come out of that way of thinking).

The mind is so powerful. I am in awe of the things I have learned over this period. And now it seems that things that have happened were a necessary part of this journey that is my life. I was dealt these cards and now I have chosen to deal with it in a way that has been difficult but I think well worth the effort. It’s not quite over, it would be unrealistic to think I have magically fixed everything and it is all smooth sailing from here, however I find myself opening the curtains and the tight feeling in my chest is being replaced by the more even flow of breath. I am asthmatic, but it is well under control, and I’m not talking about asthma! The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone. I can actually see forward now and know that there is the possibility of a much brighter future. It may not be the one I had envisaged, but it could actually be so much better. (I had reached an almost similar point last year after I had finally stopped the anti-depressants and then Joe came in and created more damage and didn’t care that he did…but it was the final act in years of my acceptance of people walking over the top of me. BUT IT IS THE FINAL ACT. I will no longer live that way. My awareness is acute but not defining….Love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, strength).

My psych said to me on Friday that the things I have been trying to deal with and clear are truly shitty things that many would not have pulled through as I have. She said it takes courage to become an ‘active’ participant in healing wounds inflicted deep over many years (but it did take me a long while to become so). She was quite complimentary strangely and in between tears I would look at her and laugh and she would say ‘you don’t believe me but it is true’. When you spend time in true realisation and start breaking down the powerful forces that you have not been able to acknowledge and let go of but they have been destructible forces, some within, yet many not within your control it is hard to see the real you inside. Somewhere along the way I disappeared.

You need someone to say ‘I see you. I feel you and it is OK’. And don’t expect it from others, most don’t have the capacity for it. Those that do will show themselves. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. But you need to see you the most because that is what is often neglected when you become the welcome mat that others wipe their feet on.

You can break the cycle….you truly can….YET ANOTHER GOOD DAY….:)

PS..I would like to thank those that are following my blog and the likes I have received, not  alot as compared with others but I never started this for recognition, just catharsis. I have read your blogs and would love to follow and read all of yours but it’s impossible. There are so many damn good blogs out there! There are some truly wonderful, helpful and inspirational ones and some damn good writers too. Just know that I send best wishes and love and light x

Some days titles are a pain in the arse!

I love writing my blog now. It has been a wonderful cathartic help over this dark period of my life. It has been a lifeline in some ways because when you are going through depression and life crisis it takes time and the way things are today and obviously everyone has their own life to live, responsibilities and what not there also comes a kind of empathy fatigue. Eventually people disappear. I understand it. No one wants to be around a depressed, mentally struggling person its a downer! It’s tiring.

The flip-side is some of them also assume you are getting better and probably getting on with your life, back at work, seeing other friends etcetera. It is hard for those who haven’t been through it to fathom the process and how long it can take. And some have always said ‘you know I am here for you when you need me, call me anytime’, but of course, I don’t. I don’t like to burden people.

Sometimes I still have what is like a guilt that people will be thinking ‘oh she’s a drama queen, wallowing in self pity’ and ‘oh no, not this shit still’. That is how the mind works when you have been mentally stuck for years, the needle stuck in the groove of the 45 (7 inch records made of vinyl, 45 rpm, old music reference for you youngsters out there!). Lack of self esteem and confidence.

I still get the odd message ‘how are you doing?’ and then there is Facebook and its messenger etc. Which I do tend to use on good days and keep in touch there. But I haven’t really been in a position to cement good friendships over the years for many reasons; my sons’ illness, my periods of depression, moving around interstate etc. Friendships are a two way street and I just couldn’t do it. Consequently, I have alot of ‘friends’ or acquaintances but not many that have been consistently there sadly. Hard to admit but true. And in depressed times you isolate anyway, you don’t want people to see you failing.

It’s OK though because I have always preferred to deal with things on my own, and in honesty I tend to go into self imposed isolation for periods of time when I am trying to deal with things. I prefer it. Whether good or bad. I had a lady at the fish and chip shop the other day,( she owns the shop, nice lady about my age and single too, we’ve had some great chats)…I shouted myself (bought for myself) some fish and chips after I had taken a walk..say to me ‘Hey, how are you? Where have you been? Did you go back over to America? Still going to the gym you look great’ (!), I said ‘no, things did not go well and I had a bit of breakdown actually, self imposed exile to try sort things’…and she said ‘Oh my god, not you, I don’t believe it you are always so amazingly friendly, bright and positive’..I smiled at that, I had forgotten that there was a time I was so incredibly happy (I thought) in the months reconnecting with and leading up to going to see Joe, I had managed to kick 17 years of anti depressants, I was in love, lost 15 kilos in weight I didn’t know I had. Had a great tan, fit and healthy. Even though the Narc roundabout was in full swing when it was good I was so high on life. He made me feel good. (And bad, but I never recognised it for what it was at that stage…)

I am starting to reflect again, but this time I find the change coming. The pain associated firstly with him is starting to dissipate. I think, I feel and let it run its course, if I shed a tear I shed a tear..there are far less than there was and the sting and ache does not come as much. I also reflect on past pain and am starting to do the same with it…a kind of compartmentalisation…trying to make order of the chaos..one issue at  a time.

This morning when I woke I felt lighter than I have felt in a long time, the techniques I am using are working and I am starting to feel proud of myself strangely…its a whole new realm.

At one stage I considered the lackey band ( Elastic band – Aussie’s tend to abbreviate everything to its shortest form!) treatment I had read about where a woman had been in a very painful relationship and was trying to get over and not go back even though he was trying to, so she got a lackey band and put it around her wrist. Every time she started to feel and think about the warm but false memories of her ex she would pull at the band and it would slap against her wrist obviously causing a stinging pain and much discomfort…over a short time it served to remind her of how her ex and the situation made her feel and she found herself over it! I laugh when I think of that, it still makes me giggle!

But this is what the marvelous world of blogging has brought. I’ve had people write to me, like my blog, follow etc, not many but it is starting to happen more and then I read their blogs and personal experiences and I am blown away by some of the amazing stories of mental toughness, growth and success that has stemmed from their journeys. Alot of inspiration and just a bit of craziness which helps me to realise I am not the only freak in this show of life!

Each day there are more good things to add to my gratefulness diary (psych is pleased with it’s progress too!). So, like yesterday I will continue the formula. Take a walk, write and just give myself the time I need. I am smiling today and it is coming naturally…..all in time…patience grasshopper…x

And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x