I refuse to go quietly….stuff convention…

It’s taken a day and more searching, because this stuff about him and desperately trying to get myself out of a bas..rd of a depression without medication and dealing with past shit is becoming incredibly boring…I can’t take much more of it. It’s bullshit. Arrrggghhh….in high octave!

I’m starting to get that part of my ‘issues’ are hormonal as well as a healthy dose of midlife transition. I call it transition because midlife crisis assumes you are a chaotic mess and I just won’t own up to that…..not without kicking and screaming …..oxymoronic but…I simply must do it my way.

I’m also coming to realise that this soul searching I was forced into by the calamity of my short lived reunite with Tornado Joe after 30 odd years is in fact an existential transition, ok midlife whatsitthingy and if anyone was ever going to have one in spectacular technicolour it’d be me!

I’m realising I have to embrace it not fight it. I have to embrace all of it. Even the him thing. And not look at it with fear and hopelenssness and all the thought patterning of the past whereby my mind allowed me to go into victim mode, to ruminate and replay reasons why I should see it that way….if I allow that then all this pain and debilitation will have been for nothing. And I will never move forward.

This ‘thing’ has been systematically stripping me of everything I have ever known…or at least the way I view things. The only thing I know for certain right now is that I have changed irrevocably and it is a good thing.

I have no way of knowing if I will ever suffer depression again, it seems very possible I will if I don’t find a way to avoid triggers and find a strength of mind that allows me to lessen the effect.

I have no guarantees that if the insidious disease that my son has does take him somewhere in the near future my ability to stay strong for my other son will be reliable, but I must try, they are both everything to me.

I have no idea what I want to do in the future as a career (I admit up til recently I saw my future with him, helping him with his daughter and sharing our experiences as we grow old together, straddling our two countries, making a wonderful life together, the one we should have had 30 years ago…boy was I wrong:(…that doesn’t matter now…it can’t), I have already lived several career incarnations, none ever really hitting the mark therefore now I am searching for that passion..that thing that will take me into my twilight days satisfied that I have done things well and for the right reasons (quite frankly part of me would be happy living subsistence on a farm in upperkimbuktawest), I don’t need to rule the world but I want to do things I enjoy, not what I am forced to from necessity…I am starting to know what I do enjoy but trying to turn that into a career is a challenge…but it needs to be done because life is too short to be stuck in a soul-less box 12 hours a day saying yes sir no sir to some twat with a ego who actually knows absolutely nothing and is proud of it.

This is a time to take risks and there are no guarantees. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.

All I know is that I can’t just lay down and die. I can’t allow myself to fall back into the old habits just because it is comfortable and familiar…too many do that and never realise their secret hopes and desires.

The only shame in all this would be if I do nothing, follow convention and whimper for the rest of my life.

Was supposed to be psych day today but she couldn’t so I guess it is up to me to life my sorry arse out of this shitty cycle and go out into the fresh air. I’ve been isolating for too long, I realised yesterday I was starting to fear going out into the real world, that whilst I was holed up in my psycho prison I was safe and warm and no one could hurt me here. But I have been hurting myself by doing this.

It’s not easy..Last night I saw the tale end of a program about people being treated for depression by a new form of Electroconvulsive therapy and I remember the same Psychiatrist I walked out on , when he tried to get me to change and up my dosage of antidepresssant plus add lithium after I told him I wanted to try coming off antidepresssants after 17 years, wanted me to consider that also.

Bugger that! I know I have suffered depression, I know that my brain is not wired like others, but I also know that I have very good reasons why I have suffered mentally over my lifetime and it is not all about how my brain is wired or chemical imbalance it is much more environmentally based. I feel it in my gut, instinctively. I have spent far too many years not following my instinct and recently I learned that I am quite intuitive and should.

There was an excellent blog I read yesterday called “Personal Tao” their tagline is ‘Always dream even when awake’, and their page on midlife crisis and transformation really resonated with me.

Not everyone has a midlife ‘thingy’ (!!), but I am grateful for mine, slightly bewildered still, but grateful….

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Comes a time….thank you for the valuable lesson…

Isn’t it funny that when you are going through the mire and you hear all the damn cliche’s like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” trotted out by well meaning friends and strangers you just want to either punch them or tell them to “shut the hell up!”

But, and listen up people, the fact of the matter is; IT IS SO DAMN TRUE!

There is so much evidence to prove this much used saying, you got to say…someone coined that for a reason!

When I first started writing my blog the intention was catharsism and distraction. And the theme was just let it go wherever you want it to go..you just need to write, let it out. And I have.

The tone has been so dark in places, and that is because I have been through a pretty dark time in my life, one of many as those that have followed will know. It started as a way of moving past a detrimental relationship, became about a depression I was trying to avoid but ended up having, reliving a bad childhood and past that had affected me throughout my life had a major bearing on how I lived, the decisions I made, the people I chose to see as friends but who really weren’t and had a toxic effect on my life, resentment about my sons’ illness and other hurts, and also about taking responsibility for myself and my actions.

The time has come to choose and take a new direction. To admit that everything that has happened has contained its own lesson…even more recently him, Joe, and I would like to thank him formally here because if he hadn’t come back into my life and stomped on it, I would never have commenced this process of self awareness, honesty, healing and repair and finally come to the realisation not only of the things I don’t want in my life but the epiphany that I now am starting to get about what I do want in my life.

EPIPHANY. The urban dictionary has a quite funny definition; Top Definition. epiphany. a smart-sounding word for realizing you’ve been practically retarded for quite some time.

Now before anyone jumps on the “politically correct bandwagon, waves their hands around in the air screaming “Oh that’s so wrong, to use that word, you are having a go at a people type, boycott this blog yada yada” well no, I’m not, and the urban dictionary is not, and IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE especially these days for one word (IE retarded) to have several references…so there!

I digress.

Time and psych visits, self exploration and will to move forward have been what has finally started to allow me to actually open my eyes, and receive the stuff that some lucky bastards are just born with or learn earlier in life. There is no point in detailing it here there are a million blogs that will tell you the magical formula to success in life. That is not what this is about for me. I want to find a way to write and earn an income from it as well, but it is more important to just do what makes me happy and in the process hopefully those around me will be as well.  I don’t quite know exactly where the change has come from but I feel it…perhaps this mindfulness and forgiveness stuff I have been working on?

So, what do you do with your new found epiphany? Your new way of seeing things? You write about that as well. I was at a crossroads, hence part of the blog title! I kinda still am but I know that there are many options opening up to me that I never saw before.

I am less than a year shy of 50! If I am lucky and I do things right like diet (no, not the starving myself kind…never done that and never will, its about being sensible) and exercise, start to engage/re-engage with the right kind of people; the non toxic, honest, not so self interested and just plain intelligent kind. Find my tribe, so to speak. Focus on things that matter and let the rest take care of it itself. Be kind and aim not to hurt anyone whilst at the same time not put the welcome mat out on my forehead again for people to wipe their muddied boots on. Do things the way I want to not how everyone expects me to ie be authentic…I guess that is a pretty good way to start…

Everyone reaches a crossroads. Sometimes several times in their life. Not everyone gets the lessons or takes the opportunities that sometimes come from places of pain and hurt and that is sad. I will continue to impart my observations and musings, the story about what happens with life beyond him. Maybe not daily, just as it comes… I am grateful and thankful for the valuable lessons.

With love and white light 🙂

You will breathe again…finding you…

It’s been a bloody long journey, I am starting to breathe again.  Some people, particularly those blessed with sound mind are able to ride out life’s tough times with barely a scratch. Generally, everyone has it tough at some time in their life. It’s the Yin to the Yang, the cycle of life. It’s not realistic to be happy and flow easily all throughout life…and anyway, how boring would that be?! There needs to be bad to really understand the good, its about balance. And it’s reality.

Some people for some damn reason get dealt the shit cards (sorry for the language, sometimes there is just no substitute when making a point!) and spend a great deal of their time on this earth in struggle and in those times isn’t it understandable to wonder “why me?”. Others have things taken out of their hands, no say in the matter.

We have become a world where empathy is temporary. We want to see positive and happy all the time it makes us feel good thinking that there is no bad or evil, just Kardashians!  We don’t have to work on anything if we ignore it, the bad stuff, it’s someone else’s problem. Anyway, don’t we have enough on our plate to deal with? There are enough ‘do gooders’ out there to help out, I’ll just sit on the sidelines and clap the champion and all will be well. I’ll just listen to the feel good stuff, that other negative wallow is a downer man. Who needs it?

The general school of thought is that you can ‘think positive’ and all will be well. I agree to some extent, I myself have gone down the mindfulness path amongst other things, thinking positive and being in the moment helps but it fails to take in the realities of life, sometimes things happen that you have NO CONTROL over. If you suffer from any form of mental illness and for many it is not through any fault of their own (we are all a product of our environment), or any other illness it is not always possible to just will it away. I do believe it’s possible to attract prosperity and good will but it has alot to do with the action associated with the thought. That is not to say it is fine staying mired in the victim mentality either (but reality is it is not always an easy process to come out of that way of thinking).

The mind is so powerful. I am in awe of the things I have learned over this period. And now it seems that things that have happened were a necessary part of this journey that is my life. I was dealt these cards and now I have chosen to deal with it in a way that has been difficult but I think well worth the effort. It’s not quite over, it would be unrealistic to think I have magically fixed everything and it is all smooth sailing from here, however I find myself opening the curtains and the tight feeling in my chest is being replaced by the more even flow of breath. I am asthmatic, but it is well under control, and I’m not talking about asthma! The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone. I can actually see forward now and know that there is the possibility of a much brighter future. It may not be the one I had envisaged, but it could actually be so much better. (I had reached an almost similar point last year after I had finally stopped the anti-depressants and then Joe came in and created more damage and didn’t care that he did…but it was the final act in years of my acceptance of people walking over the top of me. BUT IT IS THE FINAL ACT. I will no longer live that way. My awareness is acute but not defining….Love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, strength).

My psych said to me on Friday that the things I have been trying to deal with and clear are truly shitty things that many would not have pulled through as I have. She said it takes courage to become an ‘active’ participant in healing wounds inflicted deep over many years (but it did take me a long while to become so). She was quite complimentary strangely and in between tears I would look at her and laugh and she would say ‘you don’t believe me but it is true’. When you spend time in true realisation and start breaking down the powerful forces that you have not been able to acknowledge and let go of but they have been destructible forces, some within, yet many not within your control it is hard to see the real you inside. Somewhere along the way I disappeared.

You need someone to say ‘I see you. I feel you and it is OK’. And don’t expect it from others, most don’t have the capacity for it. Those that do will show themselves. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. But you need to see you the most because that is what is often neglected when you become the welcome mat that others wipe their feet on.

You can break the cycle….you truly can….YET ANOTHER GOOD DAY….:)

PS..I would like to thank those that are following my blog and the likes I have received, not  alot as compared with others but I never started this for recognition, just catharsis. I have read your blogs and would love to follow and read all of yours but it’s impossible. There are so many damn good blogs out there! There are some truly wonderful, helpful and inspirational ones and some damn good writers too. Just know that I send best wishes and love and light x

Homework…the inventory…being real..the cost of mental illness…

My curtain is open this morning, the sun is shining even though it is cold, around 4 degrees celsius at present (9am) which is reasonably cold for Perth as our winters are nowhere near the winters of many other places.

I woke and for the first time in a few days I felt no pain, less fog and I managed to stop my brain from ruminating as much as it has been. I thought of Joe (it has always been one of the first in the chaos of my mind) and then I said to myself “I notice that I am having thoughts about Joe and that’s OK” and then he slipped back out again, no tug at the heart this time…nothing. My psych told me when I have any of these obtrusive thoughts to do that; notice and acknowledge in my mind that they are just thoughts. It brings you to the present, it makes the mind aware that they really are just thoughts and thoughts can not hurt you unless you allow them to. You need to keep it up thought defusion, it takes time and effort if your a bit of a case!!

It sounds very basic in premise but when you have difficulty with thought processes of the mind you must bring things back to basics. Part of the re-wiring process, and it is a process.

This is what is taking time. I do recognise it on clearer days like today. Yesterday and days before were dark and now today there is some light. Oh please let that be from now on…

What happened to get to here today? Work. Homework and self healing. Giving myself some patience and understanding instead of frustration and self loathing. And maybe something else but I don’t know what…

My psych homework was to do an inventory. Part of a 12 step process that is usually reserved for alcoholics  and drug addicts in their recovery programs but the inventory (4th step) is also used by psychs for other types of mental processing that involve resentment and fear which can totally debilitate you. After half a day of mental hell yesterday I picked up the paperwork and forced myself to work through it…I had been avoiding it for some inexplicable reason.

My resentment list was long and no prizes for guessing who were the first few at the top!  It gets you to list as many things as you can muster your mind to recall and when you are in fog and misery it is tough to do (it can even include employers, colleagues, teachers, organisations you have dealt with, it is very comprehensive and at times you feel like…is this for real? But they ask you to just include everything no matter how big or small).

But I am so glad I did it. It did not feel good at the time..the process took a fair while, there are many components and you have to be at a place where you are completely honest with yourself about your part in it all as well….that is more difficult than listing the people you resent and what they did to you. But I am going to do this. I am going to clear this shit out if it kills me, I can not live my life this way anymore. I will not. As the Dalai Lama says ‘everyone deserves happiness’..even if happiness is also a questionable concept in itself!

Days like today I feel not only that I want to help myself, I also feel sorry for people like Joe and my father and mother and others that are part of the Narc spectrum. You can’t help but wonder about how they got there. That they live in a world of their own making now but what caused them to become as they are. To be able to cause so much damage without feeling empathy or care. Or do they have their own personal hell? You don’t want to tar everyone with the brush of Narcissism and it is on a spectrum as are many mental illnesses including depression and then there are other associated forms of devastation and abuse.

Even though it has had its effect on me I find that I am completely fascinated by how we are all very aware of things that are blatant; obvious signs like bruises and injuries from physical assault but we are nowhere near able to really recognise the plight of many who live in the realm of psychological abuse because it is so silent, unknown, insidious and extremely pervasive.

In reading about it and reading other peoples experience of it I have learned so much, the awareness does alot to help understand what it is that you are dealing with. But there is not enough awareness for many out there and it is not recognised formally as a mental illness that needs to be dealt with in a formal way. Many Narcs will never get help, it is part of the illness itself.  It will not allow recognition and therefore survives unfettered, but it creates more of the same over time.

Humans tend to believe in what they see only, hence the rise of the selfie, the power and ridiculous wealth gained by people like the Kardashians and other famous nobodies who become somebodies, the invasion of the internet has done much to create an army of human robots who depend so much on the visual that they forget to to really think and properly process.

I guess this is the reason why mental illness is massively prevalent and increasing as the years go on at a very high cost in every way yet remains low in priority.

Anyway once again I am thinking of running before I walk, deal with real Roz, deal with you and then deal with the rest.

I am not writing well still, not arranging thoughts properly and grammatically..my god… but at least I am writing and it helps…another good day:)

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Bring on the straitjacket…. The more you know.. . Part two..

You really know something is wrong when you continue to bash your head against the wall. It’s a cliche but the old saying that ‘the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different outcome’ rings true here…

I spent a great deal of yesterday going over and over things, thinking and feeling the pain trying to find some order in the chaos. Predominantly him but also how it all relates to my childhood and the following years.  I realised my father was not only an alcoholic abusive he was a narc (there is a spectrum of narcissism) and my mother even though most would look at her and say oh she wouldn’t hurt  fly is a psych case and a very selfish person (the amount of times she told me how weak and useless I was..she is herself illiterate and made no attempt to fix that over the years she preferred people to help and feel sorry for her), and my narc relationships; colleagues, bosses, a teacher that told me I would only ever be a checkout chick at a supermarket (not that there is anything wrong with that..being a shop assistant, it is good honest work). What bloody hope did I have? When you’ve been hammered with it it is hard to see yourself through any other perspective. Then I look at me , I think about the resentment I carry; my parents, my relationships, my sons illness and other shit and it would be so much easier to say….I GIVE UP. I never have completely..but I’ve been so close…

My psych told me to write this list out as part of my homework. I haven’t done it yet because I thought I had forgotten alot of the things this list asks me to recall and put in columns. They have been buried in the chasm…now they are coming out. This is my ‘total recall’ but I ain’t hallucinating and they aren’t false memories.

It has to happen in order to really heal. To wipe the slate as clean as you can get it. Reality is you never forget completely, but you can and must forgive and let go.

My psych did say that I have shown a lot of courage in my willingness to deal with shit. Admitting your part in it everything as well..it’s a process and many prefer to assume they are good just how they are, never going forward.  Some live in ignorant bliss and I guess that is fine because that is their journey…their journey.

The real worrying aspect of the sum total of my learning and experiences, programming and patterns in all this is a paranoia that possibly I could actually be a narc myself?( Some of the criteria includes anxiousness and depression with some narcs and chronic underachievement and I have always thought of what I was capable of but never quite hit the mark although I have done things that many others would never do too! eeekk!) Would that be an incredible twist? Scary.

But then over time I start to think of all of the good things that have happened and then I find some relief. It is getting my mind to stop the replay, the rumination, when you are in this state its not easy to do. When you are tired of it all it is hard to find the strength for the mental battle. To practice good habits instead of bad. The saving grace in it all is that I am aware of all this shit and trying to do something about it. Bring on the straitjacket…just in case….

No beautiful goodbye….the more you know you realise what you don’t…Part one

“Fed up with my destiny, and this place of no return, think I’l take another day, and slowly watch it burn, doesn’t really matter how the time goes bye, cause I still remember you and I, and that beautiful goodbye” (Lyrics, Beautiful Goodbye, Amanda Marshall).

Not so good day today. The clouds are in. Thoughts are a bit random and disjointed so forgive my writing today . I’ve been trying my new Jedi mind tricks but they are just not working today. I started to think about him again this morning, the thought diffusion technique I have been practicing simply held no relief. I guess what is entrenched is entrenched and its an everyday struggle to overcome. I guess there will be days like this. But it feels like it’s taking so long. I’m tired…so tired.

My mind has been playing ‘Beautiful Goodbye’ on loop for a while this morning. Every time I try to deflect it comes back. So I’m not trying now. I decided to write to get it out if possible.

You see there was no beautiful goodbye. Every now and then when I think about it it still hurts. He still has the power, but not as much as before. At what point will it be NONE? I guess I am still working through things. On all levels but this thing with him still affects me because I really loved him. Or who I thought he was.

In the general scheme of things isn’t just over 2 months pretty good to be starting to heal? Doesn’t it usually take a lot longer for a broken heart to start mending? Not to mention the psychological minefield that is my mind thrown into the mix. I even find myself questioning the Narc theory on days like this, I reassign the blame back on me. Some of it should be, only a small amount. Assigning blame helps nothing though.

His comprehensive shutdown did not allow me any peace of mind. After everything it really was a final shot of cruelty. So how could I possibly love someone so mean? He really did not feel a thing it seems. I mean nothing. Classic ‘discard’ as those that know will tell you. I was no longer a reliable source of ‘supply’ and I had questioned, challenged and ultimately fired back (when I walked out). I am dead to him.

The more I read about Narcs and their effect the more I realise what I really didn’t know about him. He was married for 16 years apparently, he said it was a good marriage (but that is all he told me about it aside from some monetary issue but he managed to sidetrack me from ever really getting any information about that marriage or much else. At the same time he said his experiences were good he made a point of assuming that my experience with marriage was not. He was kind of right (I am divorced and my marriage..well, he was another narc but a different shade and less pervasive than Joe), but I now realise just how honed in he was in the beginning. He got what he wanted out of me and managed to keep his world a secret (being long distance made it easier). I asked but he always managed to turn things around. When I think of the precision, its staggering…and then again I assume the blame) but she couldn’t have children.

I question the Narc theory; if he managed to stay married for 16 years surely he can’t be a narc? Don’t they become transparent over time and blow their cover?  I recently read 3 or 4 blogs and other websites including Psychology pages on survivors of Narc relationships, one was the son of a Narcissistic father (come to think of it it took years before his mother had the courage or the realisation and left with the kids so it is possible for them to be in long term relationships) and he now writes books and has a website dedicated to helping others who have been unlucky enough to have been exposed to these insidious creatures.

I remember thinking how he thought his jokes were funny, but they often seemed childish to me. He called me ‘sweetie’ alot in the beginning. And I wondered why we did not go out for dinner at least once and in fact one day when his daughter was back on one of her days with him she said “didn’t you go out for dinner?” he didn’t want to go out, he didn’t want to ‘chit chat’ or discuss it was strange at the time but it was after our ‘first night’ debacle which was when he shut down. I realise that must have been a hit to the ego.

This passage from a psych webpage (how-psychology-tests-brain-injury.com/narcissistic-personality.html):

Other examples? Well, actually narcissists can laugh the most at their own jokes, think they are the most funny people around, have their own language and expressions for others, often showing disrespect and belittling others (‘hey sweetie’). They are highly selective in when they are friendly and to whom.

They are people who are very charming, always nice in public, apparent friendliness in person, but who are completely different at home or with friends: demanding and irritated. A narcissist will always belittle others whom he thinks are less, he will always use them for his own needs. In this way, he keeps thinking that he is more than those others. Of course, this is completely unrealistic (why being more than another when you can do something better by accident?), and completely anti-social, without any compassion or empathy for others.

Then his daughter’s mother, whom he never married. That is a complete mystery except I know she is a teacher. All he told me was that he and she were a complete mismatch and that it was never going to happen with them…he shook his head and said ‘her and I? my god, no, we’re completely different people’…I believe him! He is from another planet! I keep wondering if she made the great escape because she was smart or did he crush her too? I guess it’s different for them as they have their daughter, so she is obliged to have some kind of relationship for her sake.

The disregard and total inability to see fault in their behaviour; that baffled me initially and now I have read up on the subject I realise that it is also classic; I remember when they picked me up from the airport and the drive home…he was speeding, no seat-belts, ducking and weaving in traffic on the freeway and he yelled over to her in the backseat ‘daughter, come here, come and sit here’ he wanted her to sit on the armrest between our two front seats whilst he was driving crazy and unseatbelted, when I questioned it he thought it was one big joke and dismissed it completely. Luckily she said “no daddy” a number of times. Other driving times with them were just as much of a worry, he didn’t seem to care that he could cause an accident. I’ve read that they control so much of their persona and actions that there has to be an outlet somewhere in behaviour

They say Narcs build up a number of ‘supporters’ around themselves, they would cease to exist otherwise. They do such a good job that many people will look at you when you say what went on, after the tornado hit; “No, that can’t be right, he or she is such an damn nice person” “look, he’s a good father so dedicated to his kids, a very good provider” “he was always very kind to me” and then you feel like you are the crazy one and question yourself. (Believe me I know my faults and nutiness! I own it!).

I need to continue this, writing it out helps…my psych encourages it…but I need to take a break and then come back….

And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x

The rock of resentment…forgiveness is freedom

Resentment is like carrying a huge rock around your neck, it hurts, it weighs you down, it’s futile. And it’s a very bitter pill to swallow when at first you realise that you have been carrying this rock around with you a very long time and it is the reason why life has never been what you think it ought to have been. That it is why many things that have happened in your life have happened, because the decisions you have made in life have always accommodated this damned heavy rock.

I woke this morning at 1 a.m. and this thought came to me. I recently saw the Dalai Lama (as written in a previous blog) and his talk was very heavy on the forgiveness aspect as well as love and compassion. And I came out of it feeling like I needed to forgive all the people that had hurt me in my life and all would be well. And that worked for a little while. But the component I did not think about because for a long time I did not recognise it, was that in order to forgive you need to let go of what is even more toxic and lasts much longer than anger; resentment.

It’s a poison, it’s insidious and it can make your life a misery and until you realise you have it and are living your life with it you are locked in a perpetual hell. It effects your ability to perform, your relationships, it skews your views on life and you will never truly be able to live a free life.

Psychology today describes it “Resentment refers to the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it, that goads or angers us. We don’t replay a cool litany of facts in resentment; we re-experience and relive them in ways that affect us emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually in very destructive ways…Although resentments may be provoked by recent, specific angry conflicts between two people, they usually encapsulate an enmity that goes much further back.”

I refer to my broken childhood regularly and this I have brought with me into an adulthood that never really quite hit the mark of my own expectation and is why I am constantly dissatisfied with my life. Resentment lifelong can be a contributor to depression because psychologically you have carried the poison around for so long it pervades your mind and way of thinking. Deep seated resentment makes you ill.

This is not something that is easy to admit, and I have to say when I first realised it in me there was a lot of denial and explaining away to myself why this may be.

No my childhood was not good, in fact it was very bad in many ways as previously spoken about. Many other shitty things have happened throughout my life including my eldest son being born with a life altering neurodegenerative disease (I have always resented the fact that it happened to him and us as a family) and most recently these issues with Joe. He may be a number of things including a narcissist but my failure to see things any other way but through a poisonous response such as resentment has been the biggest factor in why I am still mired months after I should be starting to regain some normalcy in my life.

Until you recognise it you cannot truly forgive, and forgiveness is freedom. I remember His Holiness the Dalai Lama was asked about forgiveness and his answer was basically; Forgiveness does not mean accepting the wrong doing of the other person. Retaining feelings of anger, hatred and stress do more harm to yourself than the act of forgiving.The real meaning of forgiveness is to mentally not develop feelings of anger and hatred due to the wrong action of others.

The very act of forgiving does not mean we have to agree with their behaviour in any way. In a simplified form and as I have said on many occasions there is a need to acknowledge and then let go. Only then can you diffuse the power of hurt and pain. But you also have to be honest with yourself.