Easier to let go…hitting bottom

I just woke up, later than usual because I was awake at 2 in the morning and the previous days’ conversations if you could call it that with him and all of our journey to this point kept replaying in my head trying to find answers and I simply could not find peace enough to sleep. I finally did after I messaged him, it was like I had finally let go which was what I know he wanted anyway but did not have the courage to do it.

This was the one time I really did not want to give up. I thought we had a chance of growing into something really strong and special. When we spent time together and even just talking to each other on the phone the connect was wonderful. But over the last couple of weeks it was impossible to invest the time to create a stronger connect through intimacy both physical and spiritual because he simply was not available. Two or three times including Friday he would ring and tell me he was just too tired to catch up. The window of opportunity for us was narrow anyway but he made it even more so. I knew he was distancing but I simply did not want to follow the pattern that had been set of me walking away. As I said, I had fallen for him and had hoped that when he said he wanted to see where this may go he meant it. But actions speak louder than words.

Yes, in most of my relationships I have been the one to walk away. I walked out on Joe in Arizona (many would say with good reason), I called time with Yank 2. And so many of my previous relationships including my ex husband it was me but this time even though (I knew finally yesterday it was over) I sent a final message to him after 2am this morning telling him I would make it easier for him because he was always so worried about hurting me, it was actually him that had given up. He told me we both had to think about things but what he really meant was that unless I was happy to continue on his terms, casual and uncommitted he wasn’t interested. And I realised that no matter how I felt or what I did it was hopeless and I was only hurting myself. You cannot make someone love you if they don’t. And I had already passed the point of no return by falling in love with him, just friends was going to be impossible for me, sadly.

Two songs were playing in my head intermittently in my early morning unrest as well, I know it sounds quite mad but I often wake up or sometimes at strange times end up with songs in my head and it is like they are there as a kind of message. One was Christina Aguilera’s ‘Trust the Voice within’ lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaaguilera/thevoicewithin.html ) and the other was The Main ingredient’s ‘Everybody plays the fool’ and with that one the lyrics just ran through my brain at one stage;

Ok, so your heart is broken
You’re sitting around mopin’, cryin’, cryin’
You say you even think about dying
Well, before you do anything rash, baby, dig this

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Fallin’ in love is such an easy thing to do
But there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is gonna love you
Oh, loving eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean, it clouds your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it, when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason, is swept away
Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, you’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry, but when you do, next time around someone cries for you

Hey, everybody plays the fool, sometime
Use your heart just like a tool, listen baby
They never tell you so in school, I wanna say it again,
Everybody plays the fool

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Every plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I wanna say it again
Everybody plays the fool

Always loved that song, the lyrics are so true, always loved classic American soul and R&B from the 70’s.

So when I woke today I had a cry. I felt empty. I had managed to hit bottom again. No relationship, no job, no proper place to live, not much savings left, and barely seeing my boys for a couple of weeks through things out of my control, no real friends in sight, well yes I see the odd one or two on odd occasions and then there is Facebook and its easy opt out ‘messenger’ messages rather than real contact. The people I consider my best friends are in Sydney and Seattle. I can’t move for work to Sydney where there is much more because of my beautiful eldest and the fact I may lose him soon….I have hit bottom.

Funnily though right now I feel there is nothing much else to lose except my health and my life; I lost my mind a long long time ago!

My goodness…..humour…in the midst of the wank and bullshit. I feel extraordinarily calm. I know I will probably go through sadness at times about this in the next days. But I can’t help feeling that even with what seems like hitting bottom again the only way from here is up if I chose to not give in as I have felt recently and just be grateful for the lessons learned. Like I said, it could be much worse, many people are much worse off. This is yet another bad time in my life but hell I have also been through much worse and I have no right to feel sorry for myself when my son is losing his fight daily with something that cannot be altered…..

Universe, I am in your hands, I give it up to you in complete faith and accept that which cannot be changed. I just want some peace again…

Love and whitelight xxx

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And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x

Sometimes you have to hit bottom…..

I think I have just made it through the worst time in a long time in my mind and my life. Predominantly my mind. It has been the worst bloody struggle I have ever had because this time I am unencumbered by the veil of medication and everything I should have dealt with has come back full force like 15 tornadoes striking at once in the same place. I have hit bottom, and I admit for a small window in my absolute despair on the weekend I considered how peaceful death would be. But I held the vision of my beautiful sons and a feeling in my heart of my love for them and got over it. A sign of strength and will.

If your mind is not in order, you have nothing. Even if your body was fit, and mine was when I got off that plane coming back from my catalyst because I had worked like a woman possessed for many months to get to a level of fitness I had not had in years, my body was strong, my mind was not. He was my motivation. He was my world. He was my downfall. I let him IN.

I allowed myself to hope about the life and love I had dreamed of, I felt I deserved it, to have a happy life for the rest of my days with a man I was so in love with and I trusted with all my heart, and I do deserve it but I trusted the wrong person and didn’t trust myself enough. He helped perpetuate it but ultimately it was my own fault for allowing it to go on as long as I did. To believe in a fantasy. There were red flags everywhere, I am not a dumb woman at all but I let so many things slide because I saw the best in him only. I have always believed in the good in people. I needed to because so much happened years ago to hammer my faith down, as an adult I overcompensated in false and unrealistic belief.

I became co-dependent. With good reason but a bad place to be. Until you acknowledge where you are you have no hope of fixing it and going forward.

I read for most of the day yesterday, I read everything I could about Narcissism and co-dependency because something had taken me there in my search for answers yesterday because I had bottomed.

When I say bottomed, aside from literally hitting bottom I wrote several letters (email) to him over the weekend, knowing he would not write back but trying desperately to feel that feeling of connection we once had. I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. He was never mine so how could he. My psych said he displayed classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder,  mind you it is on my say so using what I told her about what happened. It helped me to realise that it was not all my fault for a while and whether it is true or not, even if his behaviour ticks all the boxes for classic narcissism having him labelled only deflects my own issues. I must not use him as a target to sidetrack what I need to deal with which is myself.

When I woke this morning I lay paralysed again in fear and tears, my mind had created a pattern and it faithfully replayed the same scenario because it is familiar. But this time, for some reason after a long while some spark inside of me said lift yourself up…write. So I did. I got my journal and I wrote exactly what was coming from my mind.

This is what I wrote in my journal as my cluttered mind tried to de-clutter;

Lost it. You wrote to him Roz on the weekend several times and he hasn’t responded. He won’t. He has let go. It’s easier for him. He can’t handle his failures. He know’s he was wrong. He probably feels very embarrassed by his lack of ability in bed after he made so much of his prowess. He made so much of a lot of things. Actually, No, by now he would have found a way for everything to be your fault. He is not right in the head. He can be very mean and cruel, you saw it with your own eyes. You need to forgive him. Forgive him because he doesn’t know how much he hurt you. He is not capable of knowing right now. The lovely man you thought you once knew is gone – maybe for good. Time and life has wearied him, made him selfish, cynical and cold. Don’t make excuses for him- he won’t even think twice about you anymore- has has shown that from the day you walked out. You walked for a reason; your gut was telling you very strongly to get out. You were right and justified. Believe in yourself, you are a clever girl, you were trying to look after yourself. DO IT NOW, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Life is for living not existing. LIVE, LIVE NOW.

I stopped writing and read it back, twice. And in that moment I felt a seed of clarity that I have not felt in a while. A seed. That is all it takes. Water it and it will grow (he once said that about your relationship girl remember..the onus was on you. Yet more subtle manipulation from one so practiced at it…acknowledge and let it go).

There are so many things that he said and so many reminders of our time I have found it hard to think of anything else. Aside from mothers guilt about my son.

That’s what I have to work on. Reminding myself when my mind tries to hijack my progress, about the wank and the bullshit. But also remind myself that I was and am a mother that loves her sons without question and always tried her best to shield them from the shades of crazy you were (it took so much to act normal when inside you were a mess), did her best to give whatever she could to them particularly love and security, confidence, everything I never had as a child.

Now I have to break the cycle. I have to break all of the cycles. One by one. Never again let it take you down. NEVER.