Gutless and the not so good one

Now I know what I would look like with a good dose of lip fillers. Won’t be doing that, its not a good look.  I am finding it hard to believe what unfolded last night and today I am contemplating whether or not to stay in this one horse town where I have had nothing but sadness and pain. Leaving my sons especially my eldest is just unbearable knowing this disease has progressed as it has but my life is a mess and seems hopeless right now.

A very gutless male hit me in the face last night, and my lips are swollen and part of my face. I knew I should not have responded to his constant badgering me to catch up and ‘party’ but by late yesterday and feeling sad about what transpired with ‘formerly known as the good one’ during the week and feeling lonely I caved in and went. Stupid move.

His son was being pummeled by a so called ‘mate’ in the front yard (yes grown ups apparently) and I intervened to try stop it, someone called the police in the meantime and then when I went back inside after they had arrived drunk Chevvy guy walked up and cracked me in the face for no reason. Only thing I can think of is that he did not want me talking to the police. The police saw my fat lip and face asked me if I wanted to press charges but I was too much in shock and so they continued on and eventually took me home in the back of a paddy van, treating me like a common criminal. It all unfolded so fast I am still trying to work out why that gutless bastard hit me. But hit me he did, I just wish I had the good sense to punch him back, I would usually irrespective of him being 6’2 ft tall and a bikie looking character. Not advisable I know but I have never not fought back in my life…last night I didn’t.

Then after texting ‘the good one’ (formerly) he called me back and I explained what happened and he seemed to just get angrier and angrier but not at the man that hit me, no sir re bob he was angry at me; for going out with another man, talking to the yank (2) again and so much more that my head spun but ultimately the lack of compassion and care was blinding and I finally realised that he too may be a form of narcissist and that he never really gave a damn in the true sense of the word. I was just there for when he felt like it it seemed.

During the week I had discovered that I had not properly removed the block on my phone of his number from the previous week and his texts had not been coming through. I had thought he had simply decided it was over and until I had discovered the texts I was fine with that. But I saw in his responses that he was somehow strangely more involved than he let on, he seemed to be very perturbed that I was seeing other people (even though we had called time and he had pretty much made no effort to see me recently) and particularly not happy that I had reconnected with Yank 2 and was skyping him regularly again as friends. He did not seem to believe we were just friends and was very annoyed that I had any male ‘friends’ at all. Pretty much told me women should confide in their women friends only which is what I do from time to time but I have male friends too and he told me ‘he was not comfortable with that’. Things were always on his terms.

It was a weird kind of time with him. The hot and cold, the not wanting to commit yet not being happy that I see other people and always finding fault with something. But last night was the final straw, he was so angry, we both swore at each other although he said I swore at him only and he hung up on me and basically told me to never call again. Seriously, there was shades of Joe’s moves in that man. I wonder if it is an italian male thing. But I realised finally that I could not be with a man who didn’t have the care or strength to be a man in all the proper ways and for him to turn what happened to me around when I felt most vulnerable and use it as a cowards way to disconnect…unforgivable and sad. I dont think I ever really knew him at all.

Two down. Never again.

So here I sit nursing my wounded face and pride. Tired, beaten in so many ways. I can’t skype my friend in Chicago tomorrow I dont want him to see my face like this although I know I would get more support from him than I ever had from the italian.

I can’t seem to pick good men as far as the relationship kind goes, I don’t seem to be able to read them properly. Are there any real good ones out there? The upside in all this is that I have no feelings left whatsoever for Yank 1/Joe. He haunted me for a long time. But no more.

I am not sure what to do now with anything. I fought to not spiral into a bad depression this last month or so, not in the best way (anaesthetising myself). A lot of the factors that lead to me feeling down again have not gone away. It has been relentless. Right now I can’t find the strength to move on and make some decisions it all seems like groundhog day and I am very tired of it all.

Universe, I have had enough, I need your help…..please

Remember the important things

I have tried to write everyday because at this point my mind is not in a good place and this has been one of my alternatives to revisiting my psychologist and a bit cheaper! This and pen to paper in my journals which I adore as I love to write. I like formal writing too but this is a casual, often filled with incorrect grammar and sentence structure forum. I know it, but in this I am lazy and find I just type the information as it bleeds out of my brain. 2 years ago my psych told me it was a damn good idea and as I have mentioned often for me it is cathartic.

As with many times over the last few days since my final goodbye to the Italian (the new ‘him’ formerly T.G.O) certain things pop up and remind me of him.  Just then the word cathartic reminded me of how twice but more recently the other day he asked me to define the word because he didn’t know what it meant. He had in fact asked me before a while back but didn’t remember that. But sometimes I think his responses were more his attempt at tongue in cheek humour and it did make me laugh, although it is hard to know. I guess I never will. I am mourning the fact that we both will never know each other properly, never took that chance to take the time to do so, put the effort in, without one or the other just wanting to end it as it just seemed too hard. Its what we both do, I can’t just blame him.

I so enjoyed my chat with Yank 2 Monday and felt quite struck by the depth of feeling I found I had for him still but it in no way comes close to my feelings for ‘him’. Yank was so very sweet and sent a message “please take care of yourself Roz, hugs xx” I guess he knows that the eye of the tornado is only momentarily peaceful.

I had to get out yesterday and just go and spent the day out because laying in bed sad, defeated and numb was just too much. I never thought I would be back here again so soon. On the train (I won’t drive when I have had alcohol) I found myself thinking how much had happened over the last few years it was like being knocked down in a fight and getting back up again only to be knocked back down again. Sometimes it felt like there were two fighters against the one, one on each side taking their turn.

I know I will be judged for the way I am not handling things, quite frankly I can’t also take on board other peoples opinions because if I allow that the weight of judgement and expectation would surely put me in the ground. I have learned that. And after my last bad depression and coming off the meds I made the decision to be open and out there about it, writing this blog and I am open on FB too much so at times. But I find it helps me from detaching completely. I already look at the world in a very different way than most. There is a lot of cruelty out there. Cruelty, lack of compassion and understanding and just generally low tolerance for whatever is judged as a person’s weaknesses. Its like a pack of hyenas always circling around the weakest of the pack ready to eat them alive. Right now I can not handle cruelty on any level. But it is survival of the fittest.

Sayings such as ‘suck it up princess’, ‘grow a backbone’, and then all this mindfulness stuff that raises the expectations of what we should be and makes those having a tough time feel even more like they are failing. Marketing in a commercial world gone mad. Its made us all feel we are sorely lacking in some way or that if we dont buy this, live this way, do this, present this image in front of our peers we are missing out. FOMO…classic marketing term “Fear of Missing out”. Sadly my marketing degree years ago illuminated to me all of these psychological angles and at the end of the degree I realised I couldn’t work in an industry that played to peoples fear and anxiety.

I am trying to figure out if I am a certifiable lunatic or just far too sensitive for this world. I dont have any degree of success in any kinds of relationships. The only thing I know I wanted to be good at was loving and caring for my sons and those I love.

I need to keep focusing on the important things to stay sane. I will get to see my eldest Saturday for the first time in a while, and that is a very big blessing. It is the only time I feel like all is right with the world just being in his presence and my other son. He tried to talk to me on the phone the other day but I could not understand the words as his tongue is now completely out of his control. Something so simple that we take for granted, being able to talk and swallow, eat and taste food.

It has been going on now for a couple of years at this level of degeneration and it is my constant companion in my mind and heart. It is hard to take. I have no control over it. And at a time when I should be strong I feel very very weak. Weak, confused about life and my place in it. I see no future, haven’t for a while, I have been keeping that to myself. All the noise I make about other things just covers up a well of pain that temporarily covers over and then is torn back open again.

There are times when I have stood up and fought and said ‘fuck you you will not defeat me’. Right now that strength has left me. Its day to day. Right now I need to make it to Saturday, to see my boy. Day to day.

Love and whitelight xx

 

I need a lobotomy….or a good stiff..drink..diary of a madwoman…

Finally the damned flu that floored me for what feels like two weeks…can’t be bothered counting, is going. I’ve been holed up in my psycho prison again and just when I thought everything was getting better and I was moving forward my brain has latched on to the one thing I should totally forget…for posterity…forever.

I’ve avoided writing because I felt it would go within a day or so I believed it would.  I am being light about it at present but I feel a despair about why I can not seem to let this thing go for any semblance of time. Why all of a sudden am I back thinking constantly about him, wanting so desperately to hear from him, wondering how he is. IT IS PATHETIC. It is soul destroying and I feel like I am losing my mind.

What made it infinitely worse is that I wrote to him, after managing no contact for a reasonable period of time. It has been four months since he wrote to me and since I left him. The catalyst who brought me to my knees, physically and psychologically, what did I expect; a declaration of undying love and an apology for the pain and suffering caused.

I am considering self admittance to a psych ward at the very least or a partial lobotomy…but fuck it maybe I will have to settle for a good stiff drink….

I can have a good…stiff….the younger man I have just started to see now and then is wanting to catch up. I don’t want him right now I want ‘HIM’ but the ironic thing is I know he could not give me what I hold as a fantasy in my brain…he is just not capable on so many levels. Loving him is painful.  I have seen it first hand…experienced it. What is this that is going on in my head?

How can there be so many good steps forward and then a million back? Why did I ever look back in his direction over a year ago….why did I? Why did he? And what is it about him that I can’t let go of…..I’m losing it…..it hurts…

View from my pain…it’s supposed to heal in time isn’t it….Day 4 part one

Each day I wake feeling the same. His face is the first thing I see. I don’t get it.

I keep seeing flashes of the time there with him. I only spent 5 of the 8 days in total that I was in the U.S. with him and the 3 days after I left were painful and blurred.

I would wake up at all times of the night and think I was still in his house rather than the Hotel I was staying in and then realise that even though I was still in his territory and I couldn’t be further from him than I was there.

I would stare out the window of my top floor room out across the desert to the mountains that jutted out all around the incredible landscape. This place felt like it could be home to me…there was a resonance…but I could not be there unless it was with him…he already felt like the other part of me..at times I felt I could not breathe without him in my life..

After feeling the pain laying in bed and crying in I would force myself out of bed, shower and dress and take myself out to eat lunch and spend the rest of the day blitzed. Self medicated but at least not isolated or so I kept telling myself.

I managed to talk to people and inevitably it was fun because the cocktails took the pain away for a while and helped me to function. I have travelled the world on my own most of the time and always managed to find interesting people to talk to and have a little bit of fun and experience with and I decided that this had to be no different if I was to keep myself upright enough to make it to the Airport on the Saturday to make it back home where I knew the crash was going to come but at least I would have made it back from enemy lines…..

Life beyond him…A crossroads….

This blog is about Love and romance, loss, struggle, strength and courage and an ongoing journey as I find my way out of currently what feels like a point where I can either sink back into the black abyss of depression and medication or fight my way back to the strength I worked so hard to obtain only a year ago. My ongoing journey…..perhaps my “Eat, Pray, Love” experience!!!

I am starting this blog both as an informative reach out to others who have felt absolute crushing, demented, painful heartbreak at a time when you thought you had been given the most wonderful gift in the world ‘True, everlasting love’, finally at a time in your life when you thought it would never come…when you reached a crossroads…a time you felt it was meant to be…plus eventually a source of help and strength and maybe something else marvelous to come from it…that I can share….because that is what life is about, sharing and community….although at this point I have never felt so alone….

The children have grown, you think you have reached a beautiful point in life after much struggle personally, healthwise, financially.  You’ve risen above some of the most excruciating of life’s challenges; years of depression, a child you were told was going to die within 5 years of diagnosis from an incurable but ridiculous disease that takes years as you watch the quality of life disintegrate slowly (but he is still here and almost 21 years old), bankruptcy. almost fatal car accident,  the list goes on…. only to find the person who in my case was magically brought back into my life after 30 years apart and halfway around the globe where it looks like the perfect end to a beautiful and romantic love story is not who you think he is and behaves in such a bewildering inexplicable way…. you feel you may never love again…ever…never want to.

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW

I am sitting in bed. I have just spent two weeks in and out of it…in foetal position crying, sleeping and many hours just lying here wondering if I will ever feel about life the way I did up til only 3 weeks ago.

I should be at work…I simply can’t be..I can’t focus on anything for any semblance of time at the moment although somehow I feel I may be slowly working through it…right now I don’t care if I lose my job…

4 May 2015 I arrived back from what I thought was a trip that would be the most incredible time in my life.

I flew to America, Arizona to finally get to see and hold in person the man who I thought was the love of my life.

How did I come to that as some would say ‘over the top, romantic but silly’ conclusion? Here is the background;

Early 1980’s I was coming home from Highschool and the American Aircraft Carrier USS Constellation was visiting Perth (Western Australia). I was at the bus terminal about to change buses and I turned to see two guys who really looked as if they weren’t quite sure where they were going and I thought….Sailors! As a young girl I was fascinated by the promise of interesting stories and gorgeous foreign accents and one of them in particular as we caught each other’s eye made my heart skip a beat. He was handsome, dark olive skin, dark hair, amazing eyes and a captivating aura even then…I had to say hello.

His smile was amazing. I asked if they needed help at all, that they looked slightly lost. He said they were trying to work out which bus to take…and we started talking…I could not take my eyes away from him…even his voice mesmerized me.

There was an immediate connection. I was only 16 and he was early twenties. We spent a number of days together whilst the ship was in, at one stage he visited my house and asked my then guardians permission to take me out. I still have photos of us together at that time people look and say how good we looked together even then.  Our time together was amazing and one day after a lovely day out I went back to his hotel room with him and we kissed as he leaned back against the wall and I could feel he wanted me….I knew it but was so innocent and I saw him see the shock in my eyes at feeling his want for me he stopped and said “no, don’t worry, we are not going to do that” and with that promptly pulled himself together and put me a little distance away and said ‘You are not ready for that. We can wait…’  the control it must have taken because the want from both of us was very strong….he was….a gentleman. I was both relieved and very disappointed….I was so sad when the ship went out, but we continued to write each other for a long time.

He wrote often, sent photos and beautiful jewelry and a made a tape of songs that I played until it fell apart!. We spoke on the phone occasionally, he always updated me on where he was.  He expressed his affection and a wish to come back to me and Perth to live but I as a very young girl and did not have the same level of focus as he and I went on with my life more so than he did at that time. At one stage I had taken off to another state, even overseas and he managed to keep track of me through my guardians whom he had made friends with and kept in touch. They liked him very much and hoped we would somehow find our way back to each other.

One letter I still have he wrote to me whilst waiting to go in to class at college, which he was doing at night and working during the day. I think he had left the Navy by then. He wrote “I hope that all this effort I am putting into college will pay off in the end”, “can you send me some more photos, I have one of you in my wallet that is worn from taking it out to look at and putting it back in”, “I know I will be back when Australia defends the cup (the Americas cup) in 86 or 87, I just have to be patient, our time will come”, “Please stay in touch Roz, for a while there I thought we had lost touch for good and I have to say it was not a nice feeling at all”….

After a while I guess it was too serious for me to contemplate and would take too long so I went on with things. But I never completely forgot him…ever. As the years went by every now and then I would see the photos of us and wonder….

I last heard from him almost 4 years after the ship had gone but had pretty much done quite a bit over those years and he finally stopped writing.

30 plus years later and after both having been through divorce and a lifetime of differing experiences, I was at what I thought was finally a turning point. I was coming through a blinding bout of depression, had been suicidal…my sons were now older (my eldest still ill but in a type of remission) had left and were living at their fathers and there was just me with time to finally deal with me.

I had made the decision that after years of secretly struggling and many years on the anti depressant roundabout from which not one Doctor had ever suggested I take a break from, I made the choice to wean off them and see what life could be like un-blinkered and medically unassisted.  I was very sick as I was coming off them and the story I will tell in another post but for now…Joe and I.

The first week I started to wean I was also when able trying to put my own consulting business together slowly. On the days I was well enough I would read and research and slowly started to create my own wordpress website and read up about SEO and the like which was not second nature to my generation (I was 47 at the time).

I joined up that marvelous business networking site Linkedin and was browsing peoples names I knew from years ago as a curiosity and I browsed Joe.  I saw that he had done OK and his time at Uni had paid off and was pleased for him. There was an old familiar feeling of sadness when I looked at his photo…he was still so handsome to me but had obviously aged and I wondered how his life had been.

I didn’t realise it at the time but as a premium account holder he could see who had browsed him and after a couple of days I received a request to connect from him. I was in shock but I accepted straight away and then it took a few days for either of us to make a move. I found the email address and so I wrote a short hello and how wonderful to see you on here email. He wrote back pretty much immediately and said that he had been in shock when he saw my view of his account and that after a little while he had realised that he had never really forgotten me. I wrote and said the same and within a couple of days we were emailing each other several times a day. And then we talked on the phone for over two hours and it was amazing.

He said how wonderful it was that we had reconnected and had been given this second chance and that we must do something with it….that it had not happened for no reason. He told me he was there for me to be by my side and bring me out of my illness and back to the Roz he knew I could be and true to his word for weeks he wrote and talked me through some tough times. He also encouraged me to exercise…said if I was going to be with him I would have to be fit, healthy and strong to keep up! So I refocused on life, a life with him and worked hard to get fit and strong again.

A couple of weeks into our constant talking and love and care, one day in the midst of a phone call, we had been speaking for at least an hour he said “can I tell you something?” I said “Yes of course” and he said “I Love you”. I was nicely surprised and overwhelmed but immediately blurted back that I loved him too…I did…I still do. The impact from him uttering those three perfect words I had never ever felt before in my life and doubted I ever would again. It made perfect sense to us the timing and the reconnect. What had been missing in my life all these years was this man who never really went completely from inside of me, from a young girl of 16.

In honesty it was not a smooth ride the last 9 months of us writing constantly and the occasional phone calls. Admittedly, I tried to pull away a few times as I was recovering because I found it so hard to be so far away and as that wore him out he would pull away for a while but would always come back when I asked him.  And it was not always my fault for trying to end it. He would not write and started to become less clear about what was happening with him that I would feel ‘my god is this worth it?’. The answer was always ‘yes’. I knew in my heart I deeply loved this man and the effort was well and truly worth it. But the tyranny of distance and time was coming between us yet again.

Our initial months of communicating were fervent and initially he said he knew we had to do what it took to bring our lives together, that with him is where I was meant to be and he wanted it immediately. But I was still unwell and there were things I needed to tie up and sort before I could move to be with him and over time he grew impatient and started to put in doubts.

He would repeatedly say “I just wish I had brought you back with me 30 years ago and given you the life you deserved”, which became a haunting repetition about the 30 years that we had missed together and every time he said it it made me sad and I could not believe how often he repeated it. What was the point? It didn’t happen that way for whatever reason.

His demeanor would change from engaged and how wonderful it will be when we first make love to how he did not know how to do this long distance thing and how were we going to do this. At one point his busy job became extremely busy and high pressure he had told me he was very busy but I had no idea just how so until I went to see him because he just could not communicate it. This man who wrote the most amazing letters years ago and in the beginning of our reconnect, who could very succinctly say what he needed to had all of a sudden stopped communicating and it was me then who would write almost daily because I felt I was losing him a second time and I was not prepared to do that. He had become a Exec for a large tech company on the West Coast of the States and he was working remote and was Managing a team worldwide plus co parenting a young daughter he had out of wedlock at a late age (she is 12 this year, he never married her mother) and the gravity of that I guess I did not quite get until I saw it for myself.

But that in itself was not where it all went wrong….I need to rest now. Recounting the good parts whilst writing this made me feel we were still in that place of hope and promise which I now know will never be and knowing that drains and still hurts incredibly. I will finish the Roz and Joe story next….But I need to cry now….