Well, I finally lost the plot yesterday. BIG TIME. Alcohol fuelled admittedly and mad as hell but I freakin lost it. I told my ex husband a few what for’s, especially about his not so nice wife who has managed to create so much damage in so many ways; breaking family connections etc through her extreme neuroticism and insecurity. My choice name for her is far too bad to publish here and not a word I would ever usually use because it is just a bad word…but I called her it several times much to his disgust. I DONT CARE and I needed to let it out.
He tried to interfere and complicate my seeing my sons; so I let him have it…all of it..I have always been a big supporter of him as a dad, I know he loves our boys but now they are older and with everything that has happened I could no longer hold back. Sometimes you just need to say what you have bottled up for years. No going back now.
At least, after the ado, the plans to see my sons today came back on track and I am so looking forward to seeing them…it fills my soul to have those two beautiful humans in my arms. And it has been far too long. It was one of the reasons I high tailed it back here apres merde hitting le fan! And losing my job. And then getting back here and losing the man I was kinda in love with. Just to get some time with my boys. And then re-calibrate.
The days have passed and I know it really is over with yank 2. He hasn’t written, but neither have I. Yesterday prior to the dummy spit at my ex husband I was having a few Margaritas and listening to some great music. Unfortunately in my alcoholic happy haze I purchased some songs off Itunes that related to our time together and thought I would remember the good things. I was missing him.
KC and the sunshine band, one night we were having a laugh as we did on our marathon skype sessions and he put a song he really liked on by KC; ‘get down tonight’ https://youtu.be/FpoI7vK4uvY ….and we danced..well..as much as we could listening to it and carrying on on skype. I loved that he just let loose in front of me, this lanky 6’3 but handsome man could show his vulnerable and sometimes childlike side to me.
Then I made the mistake of playing 2 others; Melodie Gardot’s ‘baby I’m a fool’..I put the video in one of my previous posts, and Tim Buckley’s wonderful ‘Strange Feelin’… https://youtu.be/loOzxap0YAc …he used to play that alot..sending it to me on skype.
Lost it then. Realised how much I did miss our conversations. We weren’t perfect, there were some bumps in the road, but we talked it through. He was able to do that. Not many men like to talk things through…that’s a feminine domain. God I miss that. And just talking about anything and everything that was infinitely more interesting than ‘Mrs Jone’s cat needing surgery for a bowel obstruction’…oh dear
Popular belief and past history tells me this can’t be resurrected. A relationship is like glass; once it shatters you can try to put it back together but it is never the same. For some silly reason today, sky grey and stormy, raining..I look out the window and imagine what it would be like to just talk to him again. Crazy, silly, and wishful thinking.
I guess there will be days like these. He was the only man capable of making me completely forget about Joe. I could never work out how I managed to become so wrapped up in that man. The damage he caused with his psychological ministrations. But yank 2 more recently told me I had ‘alot of getting your shit together ‘to do. He was kinda right. And in the same breath he said ‘I am not rejecting you’, knowing how sensitive I still was from my past experiences. And even though that was a little ‘pot calling the kettle black’, we were both fools, but it kind of worked. Well it seemed that way for a while.
After being back here for a couple of weeks, I realise this is not the place for me. But right now I don’t know where is. I love Sydney, I guess I will go back once I sort a few things out here. Right now that would be hard, because I envisioned being there with Yank 2 in the future. I guess time will heal that.
Isn’t it sad. You know that people come into and out of your life, some stay, some go but what I still struggle with is the fact that sometimes the ones you want to stay, go, and it leaves you feeling like there is something unfinished. I remember once after an argument where I blocked him on Skype he sent a message ‘until the next life’. He may be right.
Love and whitelight xx