Much Ado…oh dear

Well, I finally lost the plot yesterday.  BIG TIME. Alcohol fuelled admittedly and mad as hell but I freakin lost it. I told my ex husband a few what for’s, especially about his not so nice wife who has managed to create so much damage in so many ways; breaking family connections etc through her extreme neuroticism and insecurity. My choice name for her is far too bad to publish here and not a word I would ever usually use because it is just a bad word…but I called her it several times much to his disgust. I DONT CARE and I needed to let it out.

He tried to interfere and complicate my seeing my sons; so I let him have it…all of it..I have always been a big supporter of him as a dad, I know he loves our boys but now they are older and with everything that has happened I could no longer hold back. Sometimes you just need to say what you have bottled up for years. No going back now.

At least, after the ado, the plans to see my sons today came back on track and I am so looking forward to seeing them…it fills my soul to have those two beautiful humans in my arms. And it has been far too long. It was one of the reasons I high tailed it back here apres merde hitting le fan! And losing my job. And then getting back here and losing the man I was kinda in love with. Just to get some time with my boys. And then  re-calibrate.

The days have passed and I know it really is over with yank 2. He hasn’t written, but neither have I.  Yesterday prior to the dummy spit at my ex husband I was having a few Margaritas and listening to some great music. Unfortunately in my alcoholic happy haze I purchased some songs off Itunes that related to our time together and thought I would remember the good things. I was missing him.

KC and the sunshine band, one night we were having a laugh as we did on our marathon skype sessions and he put a song he really liked on by KC; ‘get down tonight’ https://youtu.be/FpoI7vK4uvY ….and we danced..well..as much as we could listening to it and carrying on on skype. I loved that he just let loose in front of me, this lanky 6’3 but handsome man could show his vulnerable and sometimes childlike side to me.

Then I made the mistake of playing 2 others; Melodie Gardot’s ‘baby I’m a fool’..I put the video in one of my previous posts, and Tim Buckley’s wonderful ‘Strange Feelin’… https://youtu.be/loOzxap0YAc …he used to play that alot..sending it to me on skype.

Lost it then. Realised how much I did miss our conversations. We weren’t perfect, there were some bumps in the road, but we talked it through. He was able to do that. Not many men like to talk things through…that’s a feminine domain. God I miss that. And just talking about anything and everything that was infinitely more interesting than ‘Mrs Jone’s cat needing surgery for a bowel obstruction’…oh dear

Popular belief and past history tells me this can’t be resurrected. A relationship is like glass; once it shatters you can try to put it back together but it is never the same. For some silly reason today, sky grey and stormy, raining..I look out the window and imagine what it would be like to just talk to  him again. Crazy, silly, and wishful thinking.

I guess there will be days like these. He was the only man capable of making me completely forget about Joe. I could never work out how I managed to become so wrapped up in that man. The damage he caused with his psychological ministrations. But yank 2 more recently told me I had ‘alot of getting your shit together ‘to do. He was kinda right. And in the same breath he said ‘I am not rejecting you’, knowing how sensitive I still was from my past experiences. And even though that was a little ‘pot calling the kettle black’, we were both fools, but it kind of worked. Well it seemed that way for a while.

After being back here for a couple of weeks, I realise this is not the place for me. But right now I don’t know where is. I love Sydney, I guess I will go back once I sort a few things out here. Right now that would be hard, because I envisioned being there with Yank 2 in the future. I guess time will heal that.

Isn’t it sad. You know that people come into and out of your life, some stay, some go but what I still struggle with is the fact that sometimes the ones you want to stay, go, and  it leaves you feeling like there is something unfinished. I remember once after an argument where I blocked him on Skype he sent a message ‘until the next life’. He may be right.

Love and whitelight xx

Advertisements

Why do I do it? Feel it, move through it

I have been struggling today. After my decision yesterday to just obliterate the afternoon and night with alcohol because I just couldn’t stand the pain and sick feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Joe and I broke up but was also very different because this man was different in so many ways.

Fact of the matter is that he had a unique way of being able to show his vulnerability and then in the next breath he would speak strong and confidently and reiterate how marvelous he was (at times overtly narcissistic, even though having had a very recent experience with a true cerebral narcissist I knew he was not one)…at times I could not keep up with that complex to-ing and fro -ing he seemed to be doing. I think how he felt about us was similar. He wanted us to hang in there with each other and yet another time he would distance himself from the prospect of the committed relationship because he just didn’t need it, it seemed to him. He wasn’t sure about it, it was scary as hell to him I could see that. He was crazy, funny, complex, profound, childlike…it was a ride. At times I felt like I could feel his essence and then he would close off and I could not get a read on him and I remained fascinated and even though alarm bells went off here and there I could not bring myself to save myself from what I am feeling now at his hands.

We did over the times we would talk for hours on Skype discuss and share some very deep personal things with each other. Things I would never repeat because even though he has hurt me in what turned out to be a thoughtless and careless way I know that at times he will think back and feel a profound sense of loss at what we did have and he will know it was of  his own making, sadly. He did not give himself the chance to experience what could have been a love experience like no other, he was scared…once I said that to him and he freely admitted it. He was capable of seeing things that others took a long time to realise or did not at all. He was a special man in my eyes, even though he hurt me.

Me, well I am reeling from the shock that when it happened it was over so quickly. Yet I get the feeling that my intuition was right many days ago when I felt that all was not good and yet I still remained hopeful that the words we both had uttered over the last month or so, after a bad bump about hanging in there and weathering the storms because we both felt there was something worthwhile in the future for us, together.

I ask myself ‘why do you do it?’ keep putting yourself out there, taking that risk, knowing it could result in exactly what I am feeling now and have felt a number of times over but each experience more or less painful than the other? The ‘experts’ in life would say I am stupid; I court this drama and to some extent they could be right but I also know that the flip side of this horrible hurt is an amazing sense of wonder and happiness that at times you feel is so good you want to bottle it and keep it forever…the upside of opening yourself up. When relationships are new, or even long but going well there is nothing like it..feeling love for the person you are with is unlike anything else. Feeling that connection, wow. And I still believe in love.

Last night in my drunken stupor I wrote a long and at times perhaps slightly rough on him email although it is what I thought was true and correct. He had done something similar to me a couple of weeks back. But I was drunk and I did preface the email with that. But in the cold light of day today when I realised he really had let go of us the hurt was back but I realised that either way it was more helpful to myself to speak in more positive terms about what we had and to say goodbye with love, so I did. With the love and care I still feel for him but I know now that he has disconnected and I have had to accept that even this early in the piece because to hold on with hope will only prolong my pain. The chances are he made his decision much sooner than the actual day he let go even if it was a difficult one he tousled with for a time. It is just how it is. Hoping for some miracle that we will somehow make it in the end will only destroy me and I have had enough to deal with both over the years and even still.

With sadness I have let go. I will allow the odd romantic fantasy of us making it in only because I know you must allow yourself to feel the spectrum of emotions and work through it in order to emerge rather than descend into the dark place.

I miss him so, already it feels as if he has been gone forever. But I wish him well.

And now I must deal with me, try to see in front of me..a future. Often when depressed you can not see a future. I will not entertain this feeling for long. I can not go back to that place. I am unmedicated, have been for 2 years now after many years on it. I have fought hard to be healthy and stay away from the dark without that artificial intervention and I refuse to give in now. No matter what. No one can help me but me.

Love and whitelight xxx

Batter up…strike…lesson learned

I know I am certifiable at times! I even make myself laugh.

I am writing this in a slight haze after a night out which I hadn’t intended to be a night out, especially not on a Monday but sometimes the best times out can be off the cuff.

I had yet another job interview yesterday in what we call the port city (Fremantle) here in Perth because it is where the ships come in. It is a harbour. I hadn’t been there for a long time and I had particularly been avoiding it because I still for some damned reason relate it to the place Joe (the Narc yank) and I spent some time together before his ship went out (the USS Constellation) and we weren’t to see each other again for some 30 odd years.

But it was ok. The feeling I was trying to avoid only hit for a few minutes and then I was swept away by the beautiful view of the ocean and all the massive ships lined up to come in or go out and the fantastic atmosphere around all the shops, restaurants and cafes. It has changed quite a bit and yesterday was a beautiful hot summer’s day and the place was bustling.

I had a lovely lunch near the water to kill time before my interview and then walked to the the massive office on the water, it is a large marine/offshore company. Good interview although I sense I may not get it. Not being negative, sometimes you just know.

I had texted a message to the man I have kinda been seeing, the ‘good one’, we had caught up again on the weekend and spent time together Friday night /Saturday. It was fun and lovely as usual. But something inside wasn’t feeling right as I ventured home Saturday. That feeling you get when you know you could be but shouldn’t be falling for someone yet know that they are not in the same place and he had a number of months ago let me go honestly after I said please tell me if this isn’t it. It is why we remained friends and it had been working well until now. But you can’t stop yourself from feeling things in the heart, it doesn’t work that way no matter how hard you try.

He messaged me back but the tone was fairly perfunctory even with the smiley face and 2 kisses!

So I decided whilst I was all the way down in the Port city and the day was beautiful I would find a nice place to have a glass of wine and enjoy the rest of the afternoon, lift the spirit a bit!

And I did. I met a man at the bar and we immediately hit it off and sat chatting for hours. He was Scottish with a marvelous thick accent and absolutely funny yet also spoke about things we seemed to have very similar views about.  I told him about both the yank and the current one and he imparted some male words of wisdom (!) which I really did appreciate because what he said I knew to be true. I hadn’t been working on myself all this time this year after everything that has gone on only to set myself up for another heartbreak, so on the way home I messaged the ‘good one’ and told him I didn’t think I could do this ‘friends thing’ anymore, it was too difficult. He was surprised but told me he understood because he had ‘been there’ before. He asked if we could talk about it tomorrow, I guess he knew I was a tad tiddly, but my response was that there really wasn’t anything more to talk about. He had told me how he felt long ago. So that was that.

So today with hand on forehead, looking out and up into the sunny day, well it is actually going to be very hot today 39 degrees Celsius, I am back to being just me. And I am actually OK with that. And I am quite proud of myself for putting me first for a change, respecting myself and making a good decision about protecting myself, my heart, that has been long trampled and beaten because I always loved the wrong person.

Lesson learned. Finally!

I guess I just had to write about it today. This blog has been my cathartic friend. Over good and troubled times.

But at this point I envisage more good. The universe has guided me again and I am grateful.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Removing the chains that bind….the man-shed theory!

Every day lately starts the same way, well, until today. I had to go to an appointment yesterday about possible work and then after I had a ‘healing’ session with a very good spiritual healer and card reader! Yes, I know, you either believe or you don’t..whatever works for you. Me, I am taking a multi-dimensional approach..haha. After that I took myself out to lunch, but more about that later.

I had been feeling a bit ‘stuck’, as written in my previous post and quite frankly aside from doing things the stock standard way I also thought I would shake it up a little. I have always believed in a higher power, whether that be god, the universe, people have their own beliefs but I also look at things from a scientific approach. To me that is balance. Science deals with the form we take here on this earth and the rest..the spiritual realm by the higher power or powers.

Yesterday after my meeting the impetus was strong to go see this healer and when I walked in to make an appointment she was free immediately (these people are often busy), it was like it was meant to be. I find that. When something is meant to be it flows and there is rarely a roadblock in sight.

Needless to say, she and I sat in a blaze of ‘energy’ that I found quite uplifting after a while, after she had done the healing part and helped by removing the chains or as she called it ‘the mass of balls and chains that have you completely bound, predominantly by the will of others’. She was right. There was alot she said that I had already knew to be true but I guess confirmation in an uncanny way was great.

We spoke about ‘this man’, Joe, and how I could not seem to kick him completely so I asked her how do I break this ridiculous hold he seemed to have over me. Apparently we had strong ties from several past lives (as I said, believe or not but I believe in reincarnation of sorts).

Now this was a bugger to break. Every time I tried to focus as required, eyes closed, hands linked something was doing it’s best to distract me. I had to really focus. Eventually, it happened and the lightness that came upon me at a certain moment was incredible. It made me feel lightheaded even for a time.

Now I don’t know exactly what shifted but as I walked out into the warmth and sunshine my brain felt less scattered and I had a sense of peace about things. Even this morning I have more certainty in what I need to do for myself and feel more grounded even though as I said, after the session I took myself off to lunch and had a few glasses of wine into the mix! Yesterday was a just go with the flow day!

So, I entered the Hotel’s restaurant, solo as I have done many times before. I like to eat out even on my own, I really do not mind my own company and inevitably I end up chatting with people around anyway. I travelled alot for many years and I love the spontaneity of talking to new and interesting people which you are often forced to do when you travel.

The waitress said “is it just you?” and in a slightly miffed moment I said “yes its JUST me”. Inside I was thinking ‘yes it is me only but I am not ‘just”!! Feisty.

After an overpriced and not very tasty lunch (the wine however, was nice), I went into the bar area where they have music videos and great chesterfield type couches and sat down to have another wine, listen to the music, write in my journal. I always carry it with me. It is a leather bound one I bought at Barnes and Noble in Gilbert, Arizona when ‘he’ had dropped me off on a lonely shopping trip to get out of the house because he was just too busy to spend time with me (and was giving me the cold shoulder on and off even by then, I never knew what face I was going to see each morning or if he would even talk to me) even though he said he would take time off when I flew over and never did.

Oh dear, I have just seen the time, I need to write part two later, perhaps tomorrow (Man-shed theory etc, its hilarious) as I have a lunch date again…yes, I have done my job search for the morning and I am not being light hearted about it all but yesterday I met someone and he wanted to take me to lunch and in the spirit of “go with the flow” I decided to say ‘yes’!….part two to follow:)

A time of change…moving beyond the crossroads

A crossroads is often thought about in the literal sense, like the point where two roads meet, but for me right now it is the point in my life where I have important decisions some of which will dictate a large part of what my future will look like.  It’s scary, especially since the last many months I worked my way through some pretty tough days. Getting over depression unmedicated, a broken heart and mind caused by a classic narcissist’s manipulations, dealing with ghosts of a past that had a profound effect on the decisions I’d made throughout my life so far and learning to accept that I can not control the outcome where my son’s degenerative disease is concerned as much as I wanted desperately to.

What a journey. It’s only been in these last few weeks that I am starting to handle all of that without daily tears, pain and frustration. I kept fighting, but I was fighting in the wrong way, often internalising my frustrations without realising it. Habits of a lifetime.

I think many of us don’t realise how damaging taking on pain and hurt that was given to us not caused by us and turning it inwards upon ourselves. Then we live in a state that is constantly heightened (our fight and flight response) because we harbour unknowingly so much rage and anger inside at what we have had no control over not realising that this exhausting and what the overall effect on our bodies this is having is.

We hear people say “you need to learn to love yourself” and often we lightly dismiss it thinking ‘of course I love myself, what a daft thing to say’ but not realising that the things we are not acknowledging or ‘dealing’ with, refusing to accept is having such a profoundly negative effect on our lives, minds and body. From where I stand now, and what I have learned I am completely baffled that we can live in such self ignorance, but we do and it is human. We make mistakes.

I have come to realise that this time in my life has been a watershed moment. That all things were leading up to this and I am very grateful for the lessons I have learned, some as my psych told me the other day is monumental stuff that usually takes people many years of therapy and work to move through.

There has been no magic bullet. Just a profound desire to change. A want to take control of my life’s direction a little more than I had and make things happen rather than allow life to hand me often some pretty shit cards and just say ‘ok’ let me have it! Shall I bend over?!

No more.

There will always be things we just can not control, it just is. But I think James Dean once said;

“I cant change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”

and  Oscar Wilde;

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all”

Well, I have adjusted my sails and I choose to live.

I had another meeting with my boss the other day and not unexpectedly they have decided to pay out the last part of my contract. It was due to end soon but the time I was ill was long and they had to make the crucial decisions they did and yet they afforded me the safety net of thinking I still had a job whilst I was ill. For that I am very grateful. Many companies would not have done that, as many do not view employees as human, they are just a means to an end. I have worked for some absolute arseholes but I must admit I have always been the type of person to say ‘you may shove your job up your arse, I will get another!’

In this time of my life it will not necessarily be as easy to go back to my current career because of the gap and how things are not as they were on the work landscape. Things have changed.

But I hold no fear. I know I can trust myself now and I have been given a marvelous opportunity..the gift of confidence in self and the freedom to choose. Many don’t have that, I know and I am thankful.

I will write about how I got to this point of learning and healing because I feel it important to share, it may help others it may not. But I do appreciate the knowledge that others pass on from their experiences etc, it has been invaluable.

Right now I need to visit my mother in hospital, it is funny, after the many things that happened years ago and finally her apology to me recently something happened a few days ago and now she needs me. I am happy now to help, our relationship is better, healed. I have let the poison that was sitting inside of me go.

I had a bit of an adventure yesterday, with my old ‘friend’ the Fin! I wrote about him many posts before, months ago, he is back and it was fun. But I am enjoying my new found sense of freedom and health and I intend on taking my time to enjoy it….

Love and white light x

It is possible..try, try again..fly like an eagle…

It’s been a week since my last post and I have missed writing but I have kept myself busy. Things are moving forward finally, consistently, which is what I was aiming for but it took such a darn long time to get here. Time and persistence which even at my lowest, I could never quite give up even when at times I felt very close to it.

The last 5 months have been a psychological minefield, it was as if I was trying to get to the other side and the little bastard mines were setting off after so many steps forward one after the other. It had to happen. That statement may sound ridiculous but it is the truth. What started from a place of incredible hurt has turned into probably the greatest period of personal growth I have experienced in my life. The lessons learned…amazing.

The most important lesson I learned was to love myself. For most of my life I didn’t even like myself. I didn’t realise it, that I felt that way and ironically the person who made me start to think about it was ‘him’, the man that broke my heart unlike anything I have ever felt, played psychological games with my mind and pushed me to the brink.

It brought out stuff I hadn’t realised still held so much power but had remained hidden, deep in my psyche.

It took this long to go through another blinding depression and finally come out of it, without medication. This time the feeling was raw and powerful without it. For those who experience this pain for the first time and don’t get help (often because they don’t realise or fear what others will think) it’s not hard to understand how so many attempt to take their own lives. The despair, the nothingness, the pain. But for me it was more than just a depression it was a melting pot of everything that needed dealing with from deep within and if I did not do it this time my life would continue the way it always has and to me that was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

On my good days I would say to myself ‘surely there are better answers to this’ there must be a better way to get through this and deal with things so that I never allow it to take me down again. Surely everyone has the capacity to do the work and find enough inner strength to push through it, surely I must have? Because this I can not take anymore. There are very good answers out there, you just have to search for them but they are there AND you need to search within yourself, reach deep and have faith in yourself. When you come from a place of self loathing (which is often caused by acts of others long held deep) it is a very difficult things to do. Difficult but not impossible.

As I think I saw that beautiful person and actress Audrey Hepburn once quoted as saying “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

So now for me it is about continuing forward and growing stronger and self capable. I have always been capable of things but never believed enough and ended up self sabotaging by choosing relationships with the wrong people, taking the wrong turn and being impulsive.

None of that in general is abnormal. Everyone makes these mistakes, it is human and generally we learn from it. But when you operate consistently like that and there becomes a pattern of that behaviour which leads to hurt heartache and pain regularly you need to see, find what the root cause of this is.

I found mine. I am so grateful I have. There are things I know for certain will never have the power to hurt me again. For a while I may be hyper-vigilant in watching for the signs but over time as my self acceptance and love cements itself it will become second nature. That is my goal (one of many!!:)). And I will continue to write about it all because I believe we all have it within ourselves to become whole and happy and live a good and authentic life.

I am going to the gym again this morning. I am back to going regularly and it feels great and really helps my mind. I did take a slight backwards step on the weekend when I had a few too many red wines ( I enjoyed it far too much and had alot of laughs) but I knew what to watch out for the next day (Alcohol being a depressant) and I was strong enough this time to say ‘hey, you knew you were going to feel a bit blah today from the partying yesterday, eat well today, sleep some more and things will be fine tomorrow’. And it worked.

Presence of mind, mindset. All my research and reading on healing etc is paying off. Having an understanding and practicing the exercises with your mind work. You can rebuild new ways of thinking and replace the old bad patterns entrenched for years.

Better go for now, love and whitelight.

A great song for myself and all those out there who have been through some tough times lately AND for my favourite footy team (West Coast Eagles, Aussie rules football) who are in the finals and so far kicking arse!! :

https://youtu.be/OnlTrq6wLf0   (Steve Miller band, Fly like an Eagle)

It is possible, keep trying and you can rise above it all…

Finding peace…hitting the limit…no holding back now..

When I started to write this it was a beautiful bright sunny morning, only 14 degrees Celsius and lovely. To sit and recognise something as simple as the sunshine and to stop and appreciate it keeps you in the moment. And that is imperative when you are trying to mend a mind that tends to ruminate and is recovering from deep depression amongst other things.

I had taken some bad steps back in the last week or so but it was necessary and understandable and I am going to write about it because this blog is about my journey to inner peace, moving forward, overcoming life’s obstacles and living authentically and maybe it may resonate with someone out there as I have said before. And it helps to write. I can’t talk to people here, friends, about it they have reached their limit of care and I don’t want to burden them anyway. Most don’t give a toss and that is fair enough.

I slept well last night, I went to bed satisfied for a change. I watched my Aussie rules football team absolutely kick arse. They are now 2nd on the ladder and in the finals yipppeee.  I am a mad keen West Coast Eagles fan, have been from the start win or lose. I am no fair-weather fan! My sons would take a wide berth if the game was on TV, they would laugh and say ‘mum you are crazy, they can’t hear you through the TV screen!’

I realised last night if I could apply that same passion for my footy team towards many other things I would be out of the hole by now. What a dichotomous thing. But in fairness to myself (and I am trying to do that regularly, be fair to myself) there have been bloody good reasons why I haven’t. And now I am fully aware of it and working on it.

I went to the gym yesterday. I was finally well enough to after the flu and I was so glad I did. The experience was different because this time I enjoyed it knowing it was for me..not trying to get myself all gorgeous for ‘him’, it was for me and my mind and health and when that demon tried to intrude in my thoughts I politely told him to f#%k off and I upped my pace!

My Psych session Friday was draining. I hadn’t seen her for a little while and there was a lot to discuss. I had more recently had flashbacks of some pretty disgusting repressed memories from childhood and that had floored me for days and I found myself clinging to the memory of him and the ridiculous idealisation of that classless blood sucking vampire because as they say ‘better the devil you know’, clinging to false memories of him was safer than to deal with the visions of my repressed memories.

I now realise how he managed to get into my brain, I was ripe for the picking and he knew it. I shared with him things I had never with anyone and he used it and played it well but I am on to him now, really onto him and I no longer want to  play. The game is over. He is as good as dead to me.  I have hit my limit.

I have decided that I can not forgive certain people for the pain they have caused me and I am so fed up with the bullshit that you must. You don’t and it is this realisation that has brought me some peace finally. I may or may not ever and THAT IS OK. People expect you to forgive because it makes them feel good, all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, they feel as if they have seen you heal right before their eyes…but you need to do what works for you…it is hard for many to understand and these days care factor has a time limit. We are bombarded by so much despair and bad images we desensitize and try to keep away from it for our own peace of mind.

Let me put it this way; would you forgive the snake that bites you and fills you with the poison that just may kill you? (Forgive me Dalai Lama, there are times when you just can’t).

She (my psych) told me she thought I was actually doing quite well and that my backwards steps were understandable especially as I was forced into psycho prison again, bedridden from my flu and that unfortunately gave my mind far too much time to wander and ruminate, my energy was down very low.

She also said that I needed to keep very active if I was going to stave off further depressions without medication and I accept that you must keep active, it is a no brainer but I also feel that it is not as simplistic as that and as time goes on I am starting to see just exactly what is needed and it is daunting but necessary. No one can categorize depression specifically there are many causes and it can incorporate other issues like anxiety and trauma and therefore the approach to protecting yourself from it can be complex and take time to realise. No one size fits all as I have said before.

This time has taught me alot. I won’t shy from saying things that need to be said just because other people feel discomfort. I don’t fear abandonment anymore because I have felt it all my life and it has caused about as many wounds as it can….no more. I have shouldered far too much of that discomfort internally and refuse to do it any longer. It is one thing to say it, now I must follow through. These wounds run deep and the internalisation and self disgust have been part of the landscape for so long it is impossibly hard to be rid of in two seconds. It involves changing an entire belief system and setting up boundaries where there were none and that is not easy the older you get.

For now, its a beautiful day. Too beautiful to stay inside….

It’s human I guess…forward, backward or the same…

It feels like everything is almost at a standstill right now, I can hear the tick tock of the clock in the hallway which tells me it isn’t but as I look out at the garden from my window I am aware of this moment and yet my mind keeps flitting into ‘go’ mode; what next, what should I be doing now, how do I make the most of this time and where am I headed in the future. It’s ridiculous, the mind chatter. I have learnt to be in the moment a bit more and yet I struggle at times to keep the chatter at bay still, it takes practice, persistence and patience.

Realistically, things are almost at a standstill. I am still recovering from flu and a long depressive bout, heartbreak, soul search, life transition…what am I expecting of myself? My life?

On the up side I met with my company yesterday, my boss and the inevitable HR rep. They were for the most part very welcoming and understanding and we are working on a time frame. It was at times difficult to answer some of the questions without feeling a lump in my throat but I have come to accept that I am still slightly more emotionally heightened as my mind and body tries to regulate and find ‘it’s groove’.

There seemed to be a concern at why I did not choose to go back on medication, as if that would be the answer to all my woes. I am used to this. The lay person and medico’s alike are all for it..with gusto.

I guess that is a common human response these days, if there is a quick fix, a magic pill let’s just do that and get on with it. Who has the time or inclination to do the work on self, unmedicated, why would you?

I do not, agree. My choice is right for me, I know it and if it takes time and the ride is difficult I don’t care the effort is worth it I am already seeing that. There is an undercurrent of strength there that I recognise had not been there before even though I had been told many times I seem like a strong person, I had never believed it until now. That is a big thing for me. Those that have questioned their value in this life will understand that.

So, even though I am forced to semi standstill at the moment I can be conscious of what I need to do to keep going forward and keep working on strengthening my mind and body. I have been invited out to Friday drinks, a farewell to an ex colleague many companies ago. A couple of the girls I stay in touch with and know we probably always will. I really want to go but the antibiotics (yes, I did cave on that one but it was necessary in this case!) have not quite kicked in and I want to be well enough to go back to gym as soon as possible, it is important for my mind.

I will probably have a glass of good red this afternoon and put some good music on, I need my music, it feeds my soul. I did ask the pharmacist and he winked at me and said a glass of red wouldn’t hurt.

‘He’ (Joe the narc) used to say to me that my ‘partying’ (meaning drinking) would be a contentious issue between us. He had very specific ideas on how I should behave and what I should do I came to realise, part of his need to control every aspect. I don’t ‘party’ often. I did not drink at all for the many months we were connected because of his issue with it.

Ironically it did feel good being alcohol free for a long period of time, it helped my mind and body and it also proved I could be. But I now make the decision for myself  and try to self regulate. There is no point in fooling yourself.

I have felt slightly reflective in the last day or two about a number of things including him. But one brought a bit of sadness, a dear friend I have known since I was 8 years old was just married for the first time. We are both 49. They had the ceremony in Koh Samui, Thailand. I love Thailand and Koh Samui.  I have seen photos it looked amazing. She looked beautiful and happy. And I am so glad she is happy, she deserves it.

Somehow, our friendship is not what it used to be. I felt sad that I couldn’t be there with her, she was my maid of honour at my wedding many years ago. I am long divorced. We had some crazy times together as kids like trying to catch fish using canned sardines for bait! Obviously without success!  Over the years I was so involved with my sons especially my eldest and what his neurodegenerative disease would do to him (he was priority and trying to keep my depressions hidden from the boys as they grew up and function on high at all times was difficult but necessary) and she was never really there for that and equally just over a year ago she lost her mum from breast cancer and I wasn’t there for her or really seeing her son (my godson) as he grew up.  I regret that, hers was a friendship that meant alot to me. We still support each other from afar via Facebook with the odd ‘like’ and comment. I am so happy for her she has found a partner for life, I hope it will be for life.

I have come to accept there are things we can’t change, it is past. Friends grow apart, our lives go in different directions, c’est la vie.

In the future I hope to rekindle some of the old friendships that I treasure and perhaps put more into it than I have been capable of until now. Time will tell. Right now an almost standstill, but that is not so bad when you need it…..

Look within..sometimes not the best place to be..serendipities..

In a half sleep in the early hours of this morning, after coughing and spluttering, I heard my little bell go off. The little bell sound on my smartphone which indicates I have email on one of my accounts. These days it is all wordpress, and I am thankful for that, it tells me about the marvelous people who have taken the time to read my waffle and other things, but that bell used to tell me ‘he’ had written again and it took me ages before my heart would stop reverberating in my chest at that sound, anticipation…excited it was him.

Finally, I no longer feel those sensations and response that had become diligent and in it’s own way a ‘little bell’. The body and in particular the brain is so amazing. How it adapts, new neural pathways develop constantly, our responses like fight and flight, it’s ability to regenerate after onslaught, mind boggling.

I am still only a quarter of the way through Susan Anderson’s 2 books, I keep falling asleep after reading for a while because of this damned flu, but the more I go into them the more I say ‘AHA!’. Sometimes you are drawn to the things you need by coincidence or little serendipities that somehow take you there, little happenstances.  I came across her writing by reading blogs. As often happens you read and then you see a link or an honorable mention and you click on it and things just unfold there before you. What an amazing time we live in, worldwide access to information instantly.

We can be more connected than ever and yet there is also a huge disconnect in some ways as we sit eyes focused on our screens. It’s at times mesmerizing, yet isolating. We need to be connected as human beings, we need our clan to provide all the moral, physiological, safety and belonging, love and support.

Often when you are recovering from a broken heart or other relationship breakdown people will say you need time to heal, space and time to look within find who you are and love and nurture yourself.

But I have found that we too often end up turning ON ourselves and internalizing, we blame ourselves for the breakup or why failures in our connections have happened; why did this person not find me worthy of loving, why didn’t I just do more, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be with me, I should have handled things better, should have tried harder…it goes on.

Self esteem, self worth? Yes, but often it’s more than that. We operate out of learned responses from life, like an automaton we react according to the storage of experiences we have consciously and subconsciously and we do what we know and are familiar with and if that comes from a place of many wounds there are layers and layers of data in our brain and body that makes us react to any circumstance that may create more wounds often exacerbating what we are trying to avoid in the first place. Self defeat, self sabotage.

I don’t know if this makes sense to others reading this but it does to me. After what I have just experienced I need to grow and learn and change somewhat (not everything, I have come to like certain things about myself, finally). I know I need a comprehensive approach to lessen the sting and heal the wounds I have carried for my lifetime so far. Re build those pathways, learn new good habits and responses be aware of my ‘triggers’ for depression, be aware as I take on new connections in my life and stop turning inwards on myself and isolating.

I have missed so many wonderful things because they have coincided with a period of depression or I have not had the courage to follow through because of my mind and body’s learned responses. For example flight..I have walked away from good relationships because I’ve felt inevitably it could never work and they would leave me so I’d better leave them first. I truly feel that some of my depressions have been triggered by the inability to cope with what I feel is the inevitably that I will be left on my own again so I go inward and eventually my lack of self worth envelopes me and I no longer feel of use to this world.

I guess I am over simplifying to an extent, but as my mind starts to recharge and I gain more clarity as the days go on I see so much more than I have seen before and I can chose to work with it or go back into auto mode back into the way things were ready for another bout when it happens.

I am grateful for the lessons learned this time around, it was worth the pain.

Tomorrow I meet with my boss about a possible return to work.  I am no longer fearful of going out there and doing that, I am looking forward to it even though I know it will not be a long term prospect. When my contract ends I will hopefully be ready to go it alone from a work perspective, doing what I really want to rather than have to, we shall see.

Days gone by for women my age there would not have been as many options as there are today. Our only limit is ourselves and I’m seriously working on that! Then I am going to the Doctor because I think I may unfortunately need antibiotics to clear up this horrible yuk I am experiencing with this flu as it is not clearing, and nowadays to me any medication is a very last resort. Our minds and bodies are marvelous vehicles that can do incredible things if we treat them right, with respect and kindness.

I have been reading some of the wonderful blogs out there and it has made me realise the amount of talent there is and how much I don’t know about digital publishing and writing but I am coming to really love it and want to learn more. Many are so creative, beautiful poetry and prose, exquisitely produced graphics, photos and written word, it is a joy. And those that are just sharing their stories of survival and moving forward, care for others, inspirational. We can learn so much from each other.

I want to go for a run outside in the sunshine but physically that is impossible right now…arrgghh..mind and body; respect and kindness to equals better health and more smiles!…..Patience grasshopper….:)

Finally…could this be? No dignified exit…but if it works

It’s hard to tell right now. I am still in the next morning haze. In fact, it’s entirely possible I am still slightly inebriated. I did not get to bed until after one a.m. Wasn’t pretty. Had to be done. The stomping of that sucker so hard into the ground there would be no coming back from it. There was no other way…I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I’d hit my limit.

And anyway, I needed to treat it in the same way I was treated…with disdain. I’m not usually a tit for tatter but after all was said and done….it just may have worked. There is no compunction.

I’ve written a few times previously with next day remorse. A..at the imbibing! and B..regret that I did the long distance equivalent of a drunken dial..writing an email. BUT. I did not do that last night. I had no urge whatsoever to make contact. In fact I listened to every song that played without any sad memory or pain about him. Every time his imaged dared to peak my mind would immediately replace his with the gorgeous face of my current carrot…the handsome and debonair Aussie entrepreneur…he had to have clout to push the other out of my head (I had read somewhere recently where a woman did that..every time she thought about the ex she would say to herself ‘no’ and she would imagine her new partner to be…and eventually it the picture of her ex would no longer form in her mind). I couldn’t use Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I actually am not attracted to them at all, funnily enough. I’ve never been able to work out what the deal is there, except for the fact that they are damn good actors!

It sounds crazy I know. But the mind is a tricky thing and you need to fight back in whatever way you can…create new pathways. Love sucks, no, let me change that by saying it sucks when you love the wrong person. I dated a handsome frenchman once…it’s true what they say about them! But we had a lot of fun, especially on our trip all around the South of France and his stock standard response to most things was “C’est la vie!”.  Too right.

This whole scenario had almost put me in the ground. It should never have got to where it got to. But it did. It is one thing to be in a bad depression but to be in one with grief from a broken heart, knowing you were deceived in whatever form (I must say..loving a narcissist is one hell of an experience..it really fucks with your mind), through loving the person you thought was the one…I know I’m not the only one who has lost love its an age old story. But something has died….a number of things have…parts of my past also and I needed to grieve it.

Now to work on getting completely out of the overwhelming nothingness I have felt in the last weeks. For the last weeks I have not been able to look forward…if I did..all I could see was more of the same and it scared me. I did not want that. I have never felt so alone and yet I isolated myself….that is depression. You don’t want people to see you failing. And many just do not know what to say to you or how to help. They can’t really. It is up to you and yet somehow it’s not either.

I do feel I am coming out of it finally. I must take it one day at a time I know but perhaps this is it? Please…..