It’s taken a day and more searching, because this stuff about him and desperately trying to get myself out of a bas..rd of a depression without medication and dealing with past shit is becoming incredibly boring…I can’t take much more of it. It’s bullshit. Arrrggghhh….in high octave!
I’m starting to get that part of my ‘issues’ are hormonal as well as a healthy dose of midlife transition. I call it transition because midlife crisis assumes you are a chaotic mess and I just won’t own up to that…..not without kicking and screaming …..oxymoronic but…I simply must do it my way.
I’m also coming to realise that this soul searching I was forced into by the calamity of my short lived reunite with Tornado Joe after 30 odd years is in fact an existential transition, ok midlife whatsitthingy and if anyone was ever going to have one in spectacular technicolour it’d be me!
I’m realising I have to embrace it not fight it. I have to embrace all of it. Even the him thing. And not look at it with fear and hopelenssness and all the thought patterning of the past whereby my mind allowed me to go into victim mode, to ruminate and replay reasons why I should see it that way….if I allow that then all this pain and debilitation will have been for nothing. And I will never move forward.
This ‘thing’ has been systematically stripping me of everything I have ever known…or at least the way I view things. The only thing I know for certain right now is that I have changed irrevocably and it is a good thing.
I have no way of knowing if I will ever suffer depression again, it seems very possible I will if I don’t find a way to avoid triggers and find a strength of mind that allows me to lessen the effect.
I have no guarantees that if the insidious disease that my son has does take him somewhere in the near future my ability to stay strong for my other son will be reliable, but I must try, they are both everything to me.
I have no idea what I want to do in the future as a career (I admit up til recently I saw my future with him, helping him with his daughter and sharing our experiences as we grow old together, straddling our two countries, making a wonderful life together, the one we should have had 30 years ago…boy was I wrong:(…that doesn’t matter now…it can’t), I have already lived several career incarnations, none ever really hitting the mark therefore now I am searching for that passion..that thing that will take me into my twilight days satisfied that I have done things well and for the right reasons (quite frankly part of me would be happy living subsistence on a farm in upperkimbuktawest), I don’t need to rule the world but I want to do things I enjoy, not what I am forced to from necessity…I am starting to know what I do enjoy but trying to turn that into a career is a challenge…but it needs to be done because life is too short to be stuck in a soul-less box 12 hours a day saying yes sir no sir to some twat with a ego who actually knows absolutely nothing and is proud of it.
This is a time to take risks and there are no guarantees. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.
All I know is that I can’t just lay down and die. I can’t allow myself to fall back into the old habits just because it is comfortable and familiar…too many do that and never realise their secret hopes and desires.
The only shame in all this would be if I do nothing, follow convention and whimper for the rest of my life.
Was supposed to be psych day today but she couldn’t so I guess it is up to me to life my sorry arse out of this shitty cycle and go out into the fresh air. I’ve been isolating for too long, I realised yesterday I was starting to fear going out into the real world, that whilst I was holed up in my psycho prison I was safe and warm and no one could hurt me here. But I have been hurting myself by doing this.
It’s not easy..Last night I saw the tale end of a program about people being treated for depression by a new form of Electroconvulsive therapy and I remember the same Psychiatrist I walked out on , when he tried to get me to change and up my dosage of antidepresssant plus add lithium after I told him I wanted to try coming off antidepresssants after 17 years, wanted me to consider that also.
Bugger that! I know I have suffered depression, I know that my brain is not wired like others, but I also know that I have very good reasons why I have suffered mentally over my lifetime and it is not all about how my brain is wired or chemical imbalance it is much more environmentally based. I feel it in my gut, instinctively. I have spent far too many years not following my instinct and recently I learned that I am quite intuitive and should.
There was an excellent blog I read yesterday called “Personal Tao” their tagline is ‘Always dream even when awake’, and their page on midlife crisis and transformation really resonated with me.
Not everyone has a midlife ‘thingy’ (!!), but I am grateful for mine, slightly bewildered still, but grateful….