I refuse to go quietly….stuff convention…

It’s taken a day and more searching, because this stuff about him and desperately trying to get myself out of a bas..rd of a depression without medication and dealing with past shit is becoming incredibly boring…I can’t take much more of it. It’s bullshit. Arrrggghhh….in high octave!

I’m starting to get that part of my ‘issues’ are hormonal as well as a healthy dose of midlife transition. I call it transition because midlife crisis assumes you are a chaotic mess and I just won’t own up to that…..not without kicking and screaming …..oxymoronic but…I simply must do it my way.

I’m also coming to realise that this soul searching I was forced into by the calamity of my short lived reunite with Tornado Joe after 30 odd years is in fact an existential transition, ok midlife whatsitthingy and if anyone was ever going to have one in spectacular technicolour it’d be me!

I’m realising I have to embrace it not fight it. I have to embrace all of it. Even the him thing. And not look at it with fear and hopelenssness and all the thought patterning of the past whereby my mind allowed me to go into victim mode, to ruminate and replay reasons why I should see it that way….if I allow that then all this pain and debilitation will have been for nothing. And I will never move forward.

This ‘thing’ has been systematically stripping me of everything I have ever known…or at least the way I view things. The only thing I know for certain right now is that I have changed irrevocably and it is a good thing.

I have no way of knowing if I will ever suffer depression again, it seems very possible I will if I don’t find a way to avoid triggers and find a strength of mind that allows me to lessen the effect.

I have no guarantees that if the insidious disease that my son has does take him somewhere in the near future my ability to stay strong for my other son will be reliable, but I must try, they are both everything to me.

I have no idea what I want to do in the future as a career (I admit up til recently I saw my future with him, helping him with his daughter and sharing our experiences as we grow old together, straddling our two countries, making a wonderful life together, the one we should have had 30 years ago…boy was I wrong:(…that doesn’t matter now…it can’t), I have already lived several career incarnations, none ever really hitting the mark therefore now I am searching for that passion..that thing that will take me into my twilight days satisfied that I have done things well and for the right reasons (quite frankly part of me would be happy living subsistence on a farm in upperkimbuktawest), I don’t need to rule the world but I want to do things I enjoy, not what I am forced to from necessity…I am starting to know what I do enjoy but trying to turn that into a career is a challenge…but it needs to be done because life is too short to be stuck in a soul-less box 12 hours a day saying yes sir no sir to some twat with a ego who actually knows absolutely nothing and is proud of it.

This is a time to take risks and there are no guarantees. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.

All I know is that I can’t just lay down and die. I can’t allow myself to fall back into the old habits just because it is comfortable and familiar…too many do that and never realise their secret hopes and desires.

The only shame in all this would be if I do nothing, follow convention and whimper for the rest of my life.

Was supposed to be psych day today but she couldn’t so I guess it is up to me to life my sorry arse out of this shitty cycle and go out into the fresh air. I’ve been isolating for too long, I realised yesterday I was starting to fear going out into the real world, that whilst I was holed up in my psycho prison I was safe and warm and no one could hurt me here. But I have been hurting myself by doing this.

It’s not easy..Last night I saw the tale end of a program about people being treated for depression by a new form of Electroconvulsive therapy and I remember the same Psychiatrist I walked out on , when he tried to get me to change and up my dosage of antidepresssant plus add lithium after I told him I wanted to try coming off antidepresssants after 17 years, wanted me to consider that also.

Bugger that! I know I have suffered depression, I know that my brain is not wired like others, but I also know that I have very good reasons why I have suffered mentally over my lifetime and it is not all about how my brain is wired or chemical imbalance it is much more environmentally based. I feel it in my gut, instinctively. I have spent far too many years not following my instinct and recently I learned that I am quite intuitive and should.

There was an excellent blog I read yesterday called “Personal Tao” their tagline is ‘Always dream even when awake’, and their page on midlife crisis and transformation really resonated with me.

Not everyone has a midlife ‘thingy’ (!!), but I am grateful for mine, slightly bewildered still, but grateful….

Bring on the straitjacket…. The more you know.. . Part two..

You really know something is wrong when you continue to bash your head against the wall. It’s a cliche but the old saying that ‘the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different outcome’ rings true here…

I spent a great deal of yesterday going over and over things, thinking and feeling the pain trying to find some order in the chaos. Predominantly him but also how it all relates to my childhood and the following years.  I realised my father was not only an alcoholic abusive he was a narc (there is a spectrum of narcissism) and my mother even though most would look at her and say oh she wouldn’t hurt  fly is a psych case and a very selfish person (the amount of times she told me how weak and useless I was..she is herself illiterate and made no attempt to fix that over the years she preferred people to help and feel sorry for her), and my narc relationships; colleagues, bosses, a teacher that told me I would only ever be a checkout chick at a supermarket (not that there is anything wrong with that..being a shop assistant, it is good honest work). What bloody hope did I have? When you’ve been hammered with it it is hard to see yourself through any other perspective. Then I look at me , I think about the resentment I carry; my parents, my relationships, my sons illness and other shit and it would be so much easier to say….I GIVE UP. I never have completely..but I’ve been so close…

My psych told me to write this list out as part of my homework. I haven’t done it yet because I thought I had forgotten alot of the things this list asks me to recall and put in columns. They have been buried in the chasm…now they are coming out. This is my ‘total recall’ but I ain’t hallucinating and they aren’t false memories.

It has to happen in order to really heal. To wipe the slate as clean as you can get it. Reality is you never forget completely, but you can and must forgive and let go.

My psych did say that I have shown a lot of courage in my willingness to deal with shit. Admitting your part in it everything as well..it’s a process and many prefer to assume they are good just how they are, never going forward.  Some live in ignorant bliss and I guess that is fine because that is their journey…their journey.

The real worrying aspect of the sum total of my learning and experiences, programming and patterns in all this is a paranoia that possibly I could actually be a narc myself?( Some of the criteria includes anxiousness and depression with some narcs and chronic underachievement and I have always thought of what I was capable of but never quite hit the mark although I have done things that many others would never do too! eeekk!) Would that be an incredible twist? Scary.

But then over time I start to think of all of the good things that have happened and then I find some relief. It is getting my mind to stop the replay, the rumination, when you are in this state its not easy to do. When you are tired of it all it is hard to find the strength for the mental battle. To practice good habits instead of bad. The saving grace in it all is that I am aware of all this shit and trying to do something about it. Bring on the straitjacket…just in case….

And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x

Sometimes you have to hit bottom…..

I think I have just made it through the worst time in a long time in my mind and my life. Predominantly my mind. It has been the worst bloody struggle I have ever had because this time I am unencumbered by the veil of medication and everything I should have dealt with has come back full force like 15 tornadoes striking at once in the same place. I have hit bottom, and I admit for a small window in my absolute despair on the weekend I considered how peaceful death would be. But I held the vision of my beautiful sons and a feeling in my heart of my love for them and got over it. A sign of strength and will.

If your mind is not in order, you have nothing. Even if your body was fit, and mine was when I got off that plane coming back from my catalyst because I had worked like a woman possessed for many months to get to a level of fitness I had not had in years, my body was strong, my mind was not. He was my motivation. He was my world. He was my downfall. I let him IN.

I allowed myself to hope about the life and love I had dreamed of, I felt I deserved it, to have a happy life for the rest of my days with a man I was so in love with and I trusted with all my heart, and I do deserve it but I trusted the wrong person and didn’t trust myself enough. He helped perpetuate it but ultimately it was my own fault for allowing it to go on as long as I did. To believe in a fantasy. There were red flags everywhere, I am not a dumb woman at all but I let so many things slide because I saw the best in him only. I have always believed in the good in people. I needed to because so much happened years ago to hammer my faith down, as an adult I overcompensated in false and unrealistic belief.

I became co-dependent. With good reason but a bad place to be. Until you acknowledge where you are you have no hope of fixing it and going forward.

I read for most of the day yesterday, I read everything I could about Narcissism and co-dependency because something had taken me there in my search for answers yesterday because I had bottomed.

When I say bottomed, aside from literally hitting bottom I wrote several letters (email) to him over the weekend, knowing he would not write back but trying desperately to feel that feeling of connection we once had. I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. He was never mine so how could he. My psych said he displayed classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder,  mind you it is on my say so using what I told her about what happened. It helped me to realise that it was not all my fault for a while and whether it is true or not, even if his behaviour ticks all the boxes for classic narcissism having him labelled only deflects my own issues. I must not use him as a target to sidetrack what I need to deal with which is myself.

When I woke this morning I lay paralysed again in fear and tears, my mind had created a pattern and it faithfully replayed the same scenario because it is familiar. But this time, for some reason after a long while some spark inside of me said lift yourself up…write. So I did. I got my journal and I wrote exactly what was coming from my mind.

This is what I wrote in my journal as my cluttered mind tried to de-clutter;

Lost it. You wrote to him Roz on the weekend several times and he hasn’t responded. He won’t. He has let go. It’s easier for him. He can’t handle his failures. He know’s he was wrong. He probably feels very embarrassed by his lack of ability in bed after he made so much of his prowess. He made so much of a lot of things. Actually, No, by now he would have found a way for everything to be your fault. He is not right in the head. He can be very mean and cruel, you saw it with your own eyes. You need to forgive him. Forgive him because he doesn’t know how much he hurt you. He is not capable of knowing right now. The lovely man you thought you once knew is gone – maybe for good. Time and life has wearied him, made him selfish, cynical and cold. Don’t make excuses for him- he won’t even think twice about you anymore- has has shown that from the day you walked out. You walked for a reason; your gut was telling you very strongly to get out. You were right and justified. Believe in yourself, you are a clever girl, you were trying to look after yourself. DO IT NOW, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Life is for living not existing. LIVE, LIVE NOW.

I stopped writing and read it back, twice. And in that moment I felt a seed of clarity that I have not felt in a while. A seed. That is all it takes. Water it and it will grow (he once said that about your relationship girl remember..the onus was on you. Yet more subtle manipulation from one so practiced at it…acknowledge and let it go).

There are so many things that he said and so many reminders of our time I have found it hard to think of anything else. Aside from mothers guilt about my son.

That’s what I have to work on. Reminding myself when my mind tries to hijack my progress, about the wank and the bullshit. But also remind myself that I was and am a mother that loves her sons without question and always tried her best to shield them from the shades of crazy you were (it took so much to act normal when inside you were a mess), did her best to give whatever she could to them particularly love and security, confidence, everything I never had as a child.

Now I have to break the cycle. I have to break all of the cycles. One by one. Never again let it take you down. NEVER.

When ‘reality check’ method does not work…and when it does…

‘Reality check’ method does not work when one is in a particularly dark place! There is no sense in waving that smelling salt under the nose of the person in the dark, it doesn’t work and if the frame of mind is particularly bad it will only make that person feel even more guilty than they already feel and possibly expedite the possibility they will end their life. It is not that they do not feel compassion. It is usually that they feel too much, they feel everything very deeply. Hence I find people who think that reality check can apply to every situation just plain ignorant. I repeat, ignorance is bliss.

Yes I see hardship, pain and suffering all around me when I do see other things aside from myself and my pain. I have said again and again I know I am not in as bad a situation as others; I have food to eat, a roof over my head for now, friends and family. I feel guilty about that at times.

It’s hard not to see it when it is everywhere. And to force a person to see these things and expect them to just say ‘OK since others are worse off I’ll just snap out of my self indulgence and all will be better’ is once again a form of ignorance, if you have not experienced the black how can you truly know what it is like inside that persons head? What their set of realities are? Never assume, it’s not your place to.

You don’t have to be destitute to be feeling like life is not worth it. You can be rich and successful and still decide you don’t want to be here as the pain is just too much…look at Robin Williams, L’wren Scott, Kurt Cobain, Michael Hutchence.

If you are blessed with a well functioning mind I applaud you. Be grateful, you are truly blessed. Use your powers for good not evil! The world has enough evil to go around.

A day of mind numbness again yesterday, alcohol. It is nice while it happens but the end result is the same, it only lengthens and exacerbates the time you spend in the dark. I take one step forward and three steps back when I do it. It must stop. The nine months I spent communicating with Joe I hardly touched alcohol, his influence. There were some good things that came of our reconnect, I can acknowledge that now. But I am starting to find myself disliking him intensely. I think I am in the anger phase of this process. The part where he is involved, in my whatever this is.  Every time I am forced to recall my trip to the States to see him, when around friends, I start to see the reality of the situation. This is when reality check does work.

The only reason I know what day it is right now is because it sits on the right hand corner of my laptop screen. I have another doctors appointment later today, no not psych although I wish it was, my writing is my psych right now.

I simply do not feel I even want to rise out of bed today. What for? Will this feeling ever end? The days seem to blend into one, its been well over a month. When does it end? I have to make a decision about my job, I am damned lucky they have offered me the time time they have, unpaid but still a lifeline of sorts. I am simply not ready for it. The work does not make me happy (who’s does I hear you say?!) but it is a job, I am aware to have a job in this economic climate is a godsend but I am not capable of performing within what I know is expected of me right now. The burden of expectation makes me feel sick to my stomach, it messes with my head, it is a reality check..you need money to survive…you need money for support but when your mind is a haze of chaos and sadness it’s one reality that is so hard to take….

Tell me what to do?….the crossroads

I literally feel at this very moment in time at a complete loss (stay with me, this is not completely woe is me!)!

Torn between allowing myself the time everyone (and to an extent me even) keeps telling me I need, yet feeling like I should be up and running doing this and that and getting on with it. Perhaps a classic form of anxiety (overtaking sadness and depression)…textbook! I hate that word ‘anxiety’, it conjures up a crazy nervous and paranoid person in my head…a freak…but my interpretation on things is always amped up slightly and I am a bit of a freak…but I love and care deeply.

Feels kinda mad! I sat here literally a moment ago and said out loud “I don’t know what to do”

To clarify, I know what I have to do about my ‘state’ right now but I do not know what to do in terms of my life.

I hear Joe’s, ahhh scratch that…THAT MAN’s voice saying ‘you are 50, you should have it together by now’ and as I said before I just turned 49 and feck him, quite frankly he doesn’t in many ways have it together although his ‘delusions’ seem to get him past that somehow!

What is it about us that makes us compare and create these self expectations that if we haven’t achieved ‘X’ by now then WHY THE HELL NOT?

I ask that, and then I think of the 3 years I spent at University studying Business and Marketing and I say ” are you really asking that question?!”. But, seriously, how do you find that elusive direction you are supposed to take when you hit the crossroads?

I have read so many motivational, self help, spiritual concepts, soul searching yada yada bits of information my head is spinning and I feel even more confused! Everyone is guru these days. Everyone tells you how you can find your bliss, your life’s purpose, your career and more and I have been partaking in all of that trying to get my answer.

I know part of it the answer will involve helping others in some way but you need to be in a position to do so. I honestly feel now that staying connected to others and helping each other is a large part of what makes us happy in life.

Realistically we need to earn some money in order to live; cover our basic needs and then it goes from there. But I want to really practice this living my best life from now and that means working in a career that I love so much it doesn’t feel like I’m working and is certainly not labour for money’s sake.

So back to my contemplate and conundrum, how do I find the answers I seek (I just had to laugh at myself as I typed that because a vision of Yoda came into my head uttering ‘hmmm?”!).

I know I am not alone in this either, where you get to a point and you say “OK, I’m at a crossroads, what do I do?”

I could really use a one on one with the Dalai Lama right now! Or a bolt of lightening!