Bring on the straitjacket…. The more you know.. . Part two..

You really know something is wrong when you continue to bash your head against the wall. It’s a cliche but the old saying that ‘the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different outcome’ rings true here…

I spent a great deal of yesterday going over and over things, thinking and feeling the pain trying to find some order in the chaos. Predominantly him but also how it all relates to my childhood and the following years.  I realised my father was not only an alcoholic abusive he was a narc (there is a spectrum of narcissism) and my mother even though most would look at her and say oh she wouldn’t hurt  fly is a psych case and a very selfish person (the amount of times she told me how weak and useless I was..she is herself illiterate and made no attempt to fix that over the years she preferred people to help and feel sorry for her), and my narc relationships; colleagues, bosses, a teacher that told me I would only ever be a checkout chick at a supermarket (not that there is anything wrong with that..being a shop assistant, it is good honest work). What bloody hope did I have? When you’ve been hammered with it it is hard to see yourself through any other perspective. Then I look at me , I think about the resentment I carry; my parents, my relationships, my sons illness and other shit and it would be so much easier to say….I GIVE UP. I never have completely..but I’ve been so close…

My psych told me to write this list out as part of my homework. I haven’t done it yet because I thought I had forgotten alot of the things this list asks me to recall and put in columns. They have been buried in the chasm…now they are coming out. This is my ‘total recall’ but I ain’t hallucinating and they aren’t false memories.

It has to happen in order to really heal. To wipe the slate as clean as you can get it. Reality is you never forget completely, but you can and must forgive and let go.

My psych did say that I have shown a lot of courage in my willingness to deal with shit. Admitting your part in it everything as well..it’s a process and many prefer to assume they are good just how they are, never going forward.  Some live in ignorant bliss and I guess that is fine because that is their journey…their journey.

The real worrying aspect of the sum total of my learning and experiences, programming and patterns in all this is a paranoia that possibly I could actually be a narc myself?( Some of the criteria includes anxiousness and depression with some narcs and chronic underachievement and I have always thought of what I was capable of but never quite hit the mark although I have done things that many others would never do too! eeekk!) Would that be an incredible twist? Scary.

But then over time I start to think of all of the good things that have happened and then I find some relief. It is getting my mind to stop the replay, the rumination, when you are in this state its not easy to do. When you are tired of it all it is hard to find the strength for the mental battle. To practice good habits instead of bad. The saving grace in it all is that I am aware of all this shit and trying to do something about it. Bring on the straitjacket…just in case….

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And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x

The rock of resentment…forgiveness is freedom

Resentment is like carrying a huge rock around your neck, it hurts, it weighs you down, it’s futile. And it’s a very bitter pill to swallow when at first you realise that you have been carrying this rock around with you a very long time and it is the reason why life has never been what you think it ought to have been. That it is why many things that have happened in your life have happened, because the decisions you have made in life have always accommodated this damned heavy rock.

I woke this morning at 1 a.m. and this thought came to me. I recently saw the Dalai Lama (as written in a previous blog) and his talk was very heavy on the forgiveness aspect as well as love and compassion. And I came out of it feeling like I needed to forgive all the people that had hurt me in my life and all would be well. And that worked for a little while. But the component I did not think about because for a long time I did not recognise it, was that in order to forgive you need to let go of what is even more toxic and lasts much longer than anger; resentment.

It’s a poison, it’s insidious and it can make your life a misery and until you realise you have it and are living your life with it you are locked in a perpetual hell. It effects your ability to perform, your relationships, it skews your views on life and you will never truly be able to live a free life.

Psychology today describes it “Resentment refers to the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it, that goads or angers us. We don’t replay a cool litany of facts in resentment; we re-experience and relive them in ways that affect us emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually in very destructive ways…Although resentments may be provoked by recent, specific angry conflicts between two people, they usually encapsulate an enmity that goes much further back.”

I refer to my broken childhood regularly and this I have brought with me into an adulthood that never really quite hit the mark of my own expectation and is why I am constantly dissatisfied with my life. Resentment lifelong can be a contributor to depression because psychologically you have carried the poison around for so long it pervades your mind and way of thinking. Deep seated resentment makes you ill.

This is not something that is easy to admit, and I have to say when I first realised it in me there was a lot of denial and explaining away to myself why this may be.

No my childhood was not good, in fact it was very bad in many ways as previously spoken about. Many other shitty things have happened throughout my life including my eldest son being born with a life altering neurodegenerative disease (I have always resented the fact that it happened to him and us as a family) and most recently these issues with Joe. He may be a number of things including a narcissist but my failure to see things any other way but through a poisonous response such as resentment has been the biggest factor in why I am still mired months after I should be starting to regain some normalcy in my life.

Until you recognise it you cannot truly forgive, and forgiveness is freedom. I remember His Holiness the Dalai Lama was asked about forgiveness and his answer was basically; Forgiveness does not mean accepting the wrong doing of the other person. Retaining feelings of anger, hatred and stress do more harm to yourself than the act of forgiving.The real meaning of forgiveness is to mentally not develop feelings of anger and hatred due to the wrong action of others.

The very act of forgiving does not mean we have to agree with their behaviour in any way. In a simplified form and as I have said on many occasions there is a need to acknowledge and then let go. Only then can you diffuse the power of hurt and pain. But you also have to be honest with yourself.