swing from the chandelier…happy anniversary arsehole

Probably shouldn’t write now…don’t care…actually felt OK after my first few margarita’s..now well past that..where is it in the rule book that says even though you know you are going to be a depressed nutter tomorrow you must withhold..oh feck it..sick of sitting like a mummy in Le Louvre.

Had enough. Yes I will have a bad headache, possibly feel shite about many things..oh feck it. One day in a week or so. Letting loose.

Today is the one year anniversary that he sent a connect request on Linkedin (which I have subsequently disconnected). Admittedly, he saw that I had looked at his profile…I looked. He recognised me. From when I was 16?

I am full of regret for responding to him. Admittedly 3 days later, but I responded. IDIOT.

It’s almost one of the those sliding door type situations. I sooo regret it. It had the worst repercussion through the last year of my life. The timing was fecked. I have always said, live without regret. But I regret that.

Funnily, the last day or so the pain seems to have subsided where he is concerned, there is still other shit. Now I am just dealing with the constant visions. And regret.

But I am substituting his face with the face of a lovely man who is a very successful and attractive Australian businessman. Shit, it has to be someone with presence and gorgeousness, how else am I going to escape from him. I and he had trained my mind to believe he was someone of awe. He wasn’t, but that is what my mind had accepted and plays on rote (Narcs are very good at that). I have been trying to strike that by replacing the visions and thoughts.

Not easy, programming. He helped build a story. Hilarious really. Particularly the “I have the body of a 35 year old” (amongst other gems)…he is almost 60! Yes, I guess its possible, but …HE DIDN’T when I finally saw him. Although in all honesty, I hadn’t believed that one anyway. But I didn’t care, by that time I loved him, thoroughly.

But he was full of DELUSION, and I fell for some of it. He was sort of hot when I first met him..when I was 16 and he was 25 (see photo in early post, May). Sort of. If I am to be honest, at that crucial point in time, I wasn’t sure then. How did I become so convinced this time around? I just remember an aura.

I still kinda feel sad about it. His daughter turns 12 on Monday and for days I felt like I should’ve sent her a card from Australia..stamp and all, to let her know I was thinking of her…but then he would probably bin it anyway..its different for kids these days, everything is online. But I do also remember her calling me “her” and he calling her out about it, and also her deleting all the photos from my phone when I let her mess around with it. I thought it was by mistake but these days I’m not sure. I think she may be the spawn of satan and his bride (or not, he didn’t marry her that speaks reams)..sounds awful to say that, and I love kids, and I do worry about her too considering… but lately…I just don’t know.

I hate feeling this way, I always see the best in people and struggle to see the bad. It does my head in.

I am starting to sober up. I stopped drinking an hour ago, drinking water. Haven’t eaten. Lost my appetite lately, its swings and roundabouts.

Was listening to some good music though. Great Aussie girl SIA and this song in particular https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM Chandelier…Love the lyrics…I want to swing from the Chandelier…Chandelier ahh…I think I would right now if I had one!

Don’t feel as miserable as the previous days…it helps I don’t pine for him anymore…replacing his image…stopping the BS thoughts…

Now to deal with the rest.

Each day as it comes….

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Where’s my psych when I need her?

I’m not sure what happened but the last day or so I have gone slightly backwards again. Actually, I do know, I took a chance to do something I enjoy and have 5 seconds of peace from my mind by having some wine and listening to music and ended up drinking far too much of the bottle, bringing up thoughts of someone who was just starting to leave my troubled mind and I’ve effectively taken the steps back.

I remember as I did it thinking I won’t feel that way because I have made incredible inroads out of my black hole, dealing with things and felt quite confident that I could partake without going down that road. He had began to not matter as much. Nearly 3 months its been.

I was wrong. I know I mustn’t beat myself up and I have spent far too much time back trying to analyse why I would want to make contact with him again. There is sometimes still, this overwhelming feeling that there needs to be a ‘do over’, that somehow it was all a bad dream and the good stuff is coming! What if he really isn’t a Narc and just completely misunderstood, it’s all some terrible mistake.

Why can’t I recognise that there is a difference between what my fantasy or what I thought he was and we could be and what the reality is.

I remember when I was with him nothing was even remotely as I expected. Even his kiss. He could not kiss (that in itself was strange because I thought I had remembered when I was 16 he was the most amazing kisser, but I was 16). His tongue seemed liked a lizards poking in and out with such frantic-ness (no technique) I remember pulling my head back for a second my mind saying “wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting that”. It was a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) in the episode where she has what she called “Jack Rabbit sex”, where the guy humorously bangs away like he’s jack hammering the sidewalk, her head pummeling against the bedhead and the next day she can’t walk properly and her neck is practically paralyzed. And then he has the audacity to say to her when she tries to nicely say lets just leave it at that; “If I knew you were going to use me for sex I wouldn’t have ‘made love’ to you like I did”. It’s hilarious.

And now when I think about it, there were so many other things that just made no sense whatsoever. Although there were certain things I expected and was right about too. Sadly. Why the analytics still? Why can’t I just let it go? It almost feels as if there is some kind of strange ‘something’ that sits in my heart that belongs only to him. That there will never be another for me even though I know he and I aren’t meant to be in this life. It’s madness, utter madness.

Maybe that is it. Even though I have gone through much, that I needed to deal with from a psychological perspective…stuff that can stay with you you’re entire life if you let it (stuff outside of this him and I situation), my mind is still trying to sort the wheat from the chaff, compartmentalise then deal. I am so much better but there is still some way to go.

I need my psych right now, she has a way of facilitating reality in my thoughts. Some days I just can’t do it on my own, still.

I wish he would just explain to me why he said one thing and did the other. Or that we could have parted in a nicer way. I keep thinking friendship in tact, but he was never really truly my friend even.

I keep thinking that he is himself psychologically damaged and that no one will realise it nor he and that he will never get the help he needs. I want to help him, I hate the thought that he will end up on his own, no support. Crazy I know, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. It is not up to me and why should I want to. And maybe I’m just wrong about it all?

So many people look at you when you are mentally unwell and say you look alright, you look fine. But that’s just it. The illness is on the inside it doesn’t always blatantly show on the outer. Some of the most ill have adapted so well that you will never see what is really going on unless you have either been unwell yourself and know the signs or there is a very well trained and capable eye looking at you.

I’m sick of seeing these numbered lists telling you “so many ways to be the perfect person”, follow these ’10 ways to’ and your life will miraculously be magical. This morning, a well known website posted “10 ways to know your are uber smart” written by a a young girl who may possibly be quite smart but by virtue of the fact that she is barely in her 20’s with little life experience how could she possibly know these 10 ways for sure?

The internet has become a quagmire of self help gurus, they are a dime a dozen, everyone’s an expert. This is why I only write about my own experience and try not to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I am showing that I am an extremely flawed individual still finding my way along the path of life.

I’m nearly 50 and I know that I am only scratching the surface of what it is possible to know. It seems the more I learn the more bloody questions I have! …….straitjacket again pleasssse….

Things that remind you…changing old habits…happiness?

Changing or re-wiring your thoughts takes time and takes incremental steps. I have been taking these steps.

Every morning now, well, for a good few mornings at least I wake without that horrible dread, that ‘what now’ feeling, that pull towards the dark.  And even though and yes it seems ridiculous to me but it just is, I still have him pop into my head I seem more able to allow it and then it goes pretty quickly (it is very difficult to let go of the deep love you felt for someone even if it was bad for you). It coinciding with other issues that need dealing with slows things a tad. I am starting to feel more hopeful. Less blue. More sure that even though I don’t quite know what the future holds I know there will be one. (Unless I get hit by a bus or something…shouldn’t joke about that because I did get hit by a car many years ago but that’s in the past!  See, I don’t tend to do things by halves!!:)). And then there are times when I say to myself, oh, just get on with it will you?

I was going through my emails this morning and on one of my accounts I noticed two Macy’s emails. Yes that huge department store chain from America. I signed up for emails apparently when I was over there and I bought 3 pairs of shoes in one go (no, I am not a typical female shoe nut I just happened to be at the store killing time…he (now nameless) had no time for me and I had already done some of the housework, been for my walk…he didn’t want me to go out but he didn’t want me there either so I decided to keep myself occupied..and usually I hate shopping!).

We don’t have Macy’s here, I wish we did, or at least the fantastic prices and range they have….Australia and more so Perth is just so ridiculously expensive still even though the mining boom is long over.

Once again I digress. The point was even though I finally am starting to change my thoughts there are still constant reminders of him and they come from the most ridiculous things and I realise as I think that my mind had conjured up a fantastical positive memory of him but at the same time now I know most of that was fallacy. Wishful thinking. Just plain silly. But I have been told and have read that many that have been hit by the tornado of narcissism feel that way, many spend years in therapy. I am lucky my exposure was relatively short this time, but it was enough to f..ck with an already damaged mind.

Simply was not true. It is that that I still struggle with. Admitting this is hard but necessary. At times it makes me feel like I have completely lost the plot and have some weird obsession for this man (even if he was not who I thought he was..he helped construct that image), this man who clearly was a narcissist and quite clearly either doesn’t realise it  or chooses to ignore it (I often wondered why he kept saying to me he wanted a relationship where both watched each others backs no matter what, he knew how to treat the ‘right’ woman…perhaps somewhere there he knew it would take someone extraordinarily masochistic to hang in there under those circumstances, with him. At the time I was so in love and blinded I wanted to give him everything he wanted and more) …I had not even considered he may be (a narc) at the beginning until my Psychologist told me after going through things in depth about our history. It’s been 2 and a half months and I still need to get it out. And I don’t want to burden and annoy people with the same old story so I write..this was part of my reason for this blog. I am not unhappy any more, I know I am still a little stuck but it is changing, I just need to talk about it…as often I need to until I don’t. Until the things that remind me no longer do and are replaced by much happier, more real and worthwhile things…

That’s how badly my mind has been in need of fixing. Re-wiring, re-programming. I always feel so highly aware of how everyone else copes and recovers from bad events in their life and measure myself against that.

That is still there. The damage runs deep. But the healing is happening too. And as I said yesterday I can see a new world of opportunity opening up and its both scary and wonderful at the same time. Still times when I beat myself up but its less and less now and I usually can forgive myself…and say go easy old girl..C’est la vie!

I guess the alternative is scary, back to reality, but seeing it in a new light…without old prejudices and biases? After a lifetime of thinking a certain way, of viewing threw a tainted window.

Yesterday, they released a survey conducted here in Australia about what makes people happy (here in Australia, now). Some of the findings were quite hilarious particularly ‘the happiest women live in Queensland’ and don’t have a partner and the men are happier with a partner. It pretty much inferred that women are happier and healthier without a man in their life!

I wonder if there is something in that? It also said ‘don’t be poor and drink lots of wine’ I kid you not! see just one of the articles written about this study http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-recipe-for-health-and-happiness-in-australia-20150715-gibwxd   Ahhh Aussies! Crazy.

I guess I need to test that theory now…stay single..makes lots of money..and drink lots of my favorite wine, oh and travel to the States more often to shop at Macy’s!….there..the answers been there all the time!

Bring on the straitjacket…. The more you know.. . Part two..

You really know something is wrong when you continue to bash your head against the wall. It’s a cliche but the old saying that ‘the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different outcome’ rings true here…

I spent a great deal of yesterday going over and over things, thinking and feeling the pain trying to find some order in the chaos. Predominantly him but also how it all relates to my childhood and the following years.  I realised my father was not only an alcoholic abusive he was a narc (there is a spectrum of narcissism) and my mother even though most would look at her and say oh she wouldn’t hurt  fly is a psych case and a very selfish person (the amount of times she told me how weak and useless I was..she is herself illiterate and made no attempt to fix that over the years she preferred people to help and feel sorry for her), and my narc relationships; colleagues, bosses, a teacher that told me I would only ever be a checkout chick at a supermarket (not that there is anything wrong with that..being a shop assistant, it is good honest work). What bloody hope did I have? When you’ve been hammered with it it is hard to see yourself through any other perspective. Then I look at me , I think about the resentment I carry; my parents, my relationships, my sons illness and other shit and it would be so much easier to say….I GIVE UP. I never have completely..but I’ve been so close…

My psych told me to write this list out as part of my homework. I haven’t done it yet because I thought I had forgotten alot of the things this list asks me to recall and put in columns. They have been buried in the chasm…now they are coming out. This is my ‘total recall’ but I ain’t hallucinating and they aren’t false memories.

It has to happen in order to really heal. To wipe the slate as clean as you can get it. Reality is you never forget completely, but you can and must forgive and let go.

My psych did say that I have shown a lot of courage in my willingness to deal with shit. Admitting your part in it everything as well..it’s a process and many prefer to assume they are good just how they are, never going forward.  Some live in ignorant bliss and I guess that is fine because that is their journey…their journey.

The real worrying aspect of the sum total of my learning and experiences, programming and patterns in all this is a paranoia that possibly I could actually be a narc myself?( Some of the criteria includes anxiousness and depression with some narcs and chronic underachievement and I have always thought of what I was capable of but never quite hit the mark although I have done things that many others would never do too! eeekk!) Would that be an incredible twist? Scary.

But then over time I start to think of all of the good things that have happened and then I find some relief. It is getting my mind to stop the replay, the rumination, when you are in this state its not easy to do. When you are tired of it all it is hard to find the strength for the mental battle. To practice good habits instead of bad. The saving grace in it all is that I am aware of all this shit and trying to do something about it. Bring on the straitjacket…just in case….

And now the real work begins…..what the?

My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.

My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?!  Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart  remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.

Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.

But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best  and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.

It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.

Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x

Sometimes you have to hit bottom…..

I think I have just made it through the worst time in a long time in my mind and my life. Predominantly my mind. It has been the worst bloody struggle I have ever had because this time I am unencumbered by the veil of medication and everything I should have dealt with has come back full force like 15 tornadoes striking at once in the same place. I have hit bottom, and I admit for a small window in my absolute despair on the weekend I considered how peaceful death would be. But I held the vision of my beautiful sons and a feeling in my heart of my love for them and got over it. A sign of strength and will.

If your mind is not in order, you have nothing. Even if your body was fit, and mine was when I got off that plane coming back from my catalyst because I had worked like a woman possessed for many months to get to a level of fitness I had not had in years, my body was strong, my mind was not. He was my motivation. He was my world. He was my downfall. I let him IN.

I allowed myself to hope about the life and love I had dreamed of, I felt I deserved it, to have a happy life for the rest of my days with a man I was so in love with and I trusted with all my heart, and I do deserve it but I trusted the wrong person and didn’t trust myself enough. He helped perpetuate it but ultimately it was my own fault for allowing it to go on as long as I did. To believe in a fantasy. There were red flags everywhere, I am not a dumb woman at all but I let so many things slide because I saw the best in him only. I have always believed in the good in people. I needed to because so much happened years ago to hammer my faith down, as an adult I overcompensated in false and unrealistic belief.

I became co-dependent. With good reason but a bad place to be. Until you acknowledge where you are you have no hope of fixing it and going forward.

I read for most of the day yesterday, I read everything I could about Narcissism and co-dependency because something had taken me there in my search for answers yesterday because I had bottomed.

When I say bottomed, aside from literally hitting bottom I wrote several letters (email) to him over the weekend, knowing he would not write back but trying desperately to feel that feeling of connection we once had. I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. He was never mine so how could he. My psych said he displayed classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder,  mind you it is on my say so using what I told her about what happened. It helped me to realise that it was not all my fault for a while and whether it is true or not, even if his behaviour ticks all the boxes for classic narcissism having him labelled only deflects my own issues. I must not use him as a target to sidetrack what I need to deal with which is myself.

When I woke this morning I lay paralysed again in fear and tears, my mind had created a pattern and it faithfully replayed the same scenario because it is familiar. But this time, for some reason after a long while some spark inside of me said lift yourself up…write. So I did. I got my journal and I wrote exactly what was coming from my mind.

This is what I wrote in my journal as my cluttered mind tried to de-clutter;

Lost it. You wrote to him Roz on the weekend several times and he hasn’t responded. He won’t. He has let go. It’s easier for him. He can’t handle his failures. He know’s he was wrong. He probably feels very embarrassed by his lack of ability in bed after he made so much of his prowess. He made so much of a lot of things. Actually, No, by now he would have found a way for everything to be your fault. He is not right in the head. He can be very mean and cruel, you saw it with your own eyes. You need to forgive him. Forgive him because he doesn’t know how much he hurt you. He is not capable of knowing right now. The lovely man you thought you once knew is gone – maybe for good. Time and life has wearied him, made him selfish, cynical and cold. Don’t make excuses for him- he won’t even think twice about you anymore- has has shown that from the day you walked out. You walked for a reason; your gut was telling you very strongly to get out. You were right and justified. Believe in yourself, you are a clever girl, you were trying to look after yourself. DO IT NOW, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Life is for living not existing. LIVE, LIVE NOW.

I stopped writing and read it back, twice. And in that moment I felt a seed of clarity that I have not felt in a while. A seed. That is all it takes. Water it and it will grow (he once said that about your relationship girl remember..the onus was on you. Yet more subtle manipulation from one so practiced at it…acknowledge and let it go).

There are so many things that he said and so many reminders of our time I have found it hard to think of anything else. Aside from mothers guilt about my son.

That’s what I have to work on. Reminding myself when my mind tries to hijack my progress, about the wank and the bullshit. But also remind myself that I was and am a mother that loves her sons without question and always tried her best to shield them from the shades of crazy you were (it took so much to act normal when inside you were a mess), did her best to give whatever she could to them particularly love and security, confidence, everything I never had as a child.

Now I have to break the cycle. I have to break all of the cycles. One by one. Never again let it take you down. NEVER.

Literary line in the sand…44 days…inexplicable?

I thought about just stopping. No more posts. What was the point in it. A literary line drawn in the sand. Going round in the same circles. I am in pain, I am OK, I am woman hear me roar, I feel like death, I’m OK and so it goes. And goes, And goes.

It’s been 40 days since I got off the plane from America. 44 Days since he last spoke to me. 44 days of shutdown turnoff from him. And 40 odd days of me spinning the wheels of energy I no longer seem to have yet as I sit and write he is always there somewhere. Draining me amongst everything else. Snap out of it, I bloody well wish I could and there are fleeting moments when I have other things on my mind but this feeling, him, my life as it is encompasses me. I can’t seem to break free of this grip.

I have other issues to deal with, MANY, other issues…my existential crisis you know. I keep saying it. I thought a couple days of complete immersion and quiteness would help. It may have. Minimally.

I just read an article on letting go of a past love. Perhaps premature on my part because it seems as though he is not past to me. He still has a firm grip on my heart. Yesterday I tried to visualise, feel warmth and then the cutting of the chords that tie him to me somehow. No good. I meditated. My vision for meditation is usually the waves of the ocean rolling onto the sand and the beautiful calming sound. But over many months of our reconnect I would go to the beach and it was a way for me to connect with him even though he was far away. He came to me on a ship. He was in the Navy. We both have a love of the ocean. I would send photos and he would say how much he remembered of the Perth coast from his visit 30 plus years ago and the strange pull it had for him.

One day when I was there with him he asked me to talk to his daughter about buying a house in Perth, they both wanted to spend part of their time here. He talked about what a massive change it would be for me to move to Arizona, did I realise? He said it openly in front of her. I realise that he had thought about it all and discussed with her to an extent. Which is why when I play everything back in my head I find it so hard to understand why he could just close the door as he has. There is so much that does not make sense and his not saying a word from the day I went to the hotel, my last 3 days in Arizona, because he had made me feel so uncomfortable being there with him most of the time I felt I had no choice. But no dialogue. No words. Just nothing, is the hardest thing to deal with.

I read back my words here and it in no way covers the painful and hurtful elements of what happened, if anything it seems as though he is the good guy in all this. He is not. But when you love someone so deeply you are willing to overlook the bad things and you only look at the good things. There was more bad than good. Why can’t I knock that into my head.

Dealing with this only overrides the bigger picture maybe that is why I am focusing on him in part because it is an entity I know. I am so tired of all of this. I want my life back. I want to see the sun and appreciate it. I want to feel things again aside from pain and darkness.

All of the cliches run through my head “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”, “Life goes on”, “Life’s too short to be miserable, be happy”, google happy positive thoughts, strength and courage quotes, gratefulness and the like and you can spend all day reading the many veritable words of wisdom.

I want out. I want out of this NOW. I feel as if something is holding me firm as if I can’t move…inexplicable.

I just had a message about a business concept I have been looking at. Yesterday in a tiny moment of strength I called about information on it. Now I feel like I just am not ready. But I must. I need to work, I have a job to go to (they are still open to talks but I have not been well enough, I don’t know how much longer they will wait for a decision, no income coming in right now I m almost completely broke) but it is not what I want. I have a good brain when it is functioning well I know I want to work for myself and times now I try push myself towards action but that invisible weight keeps holding me down, it just won’t budge.

I booked myself to see the Dalai Lama a couple of weeks ago. He is here tomorrow. It is something I have always wanted to do, hear him talk in person. It means I must go out there, right now I don’t know how but I will do it. Life goes on, you must function. You must be part of things. You must not give up. You must earn money to live, you must eat, you must do what you can to keep a roof over your head…YOU MUST YOU MUST YOU MUST…..my head is spinning again and my heart is aching…when will this end?

When ‘reality check’ method does not work…and when it does…

‘Reality check’ method does not work when one is in a particularly dark place! There is no sense in waving that smelling salt under the nose of the person in the dark, it doesn’t work and if the frame of mind is particularly bad it will only make that person feel even more guilty than they already feel and possibly expedite the possibility they will end their life. It is not that they do not feel compassion. It is usually that they feel too much, they feel everything very deeply. Hence I find people who think that reality check can apply to every situation just plain ignorant. I repeat, ignorance is bliss.

Yes I see hardship, pain and suffering all around me when I do see other things aside from myself and my pain. I have said again and again I know I am not in as bad a situation as others; I have food to eat, a roof over my head for now, friends and family. I feel guilty about that at times.

It’s hard not to see it when it is everywhere. And to force a person to see these things and expect them to just say ‘OK since others are worse off I’ll just snap out of my self indulgence and all will be better’ is once again a form of ignorance, if you have not experienced the black how can you truly know what it is like inside that persons head? What their set of realities are? Never assume, it’s not your place to.

You don’t have to be destitute to be feeling like life is not worth it. You can be rich and successful and still decide you don’t want to be here as the pain is just too much…look at Robin Williams, L’wren Scott, Kurt Cobain, Michael Hutchence.

If you are blessed with a well functioning mind I applaud you. Be grateful, you are truly blessed. Use your powers for good not evil! The world has enough evil to go around.

A day of mind numbness again yesterday, alcohol. It is nice while it happens but the end result is the same, it only lengthens and exacerbates the time you spend in the dark. I take one step forward and three steps back when I do it. It must stop. The nine months I spent communicating with Joe I hardly touched alcohol, his influence. There were some good things that came of our reconnect, I can acknowledge that now. But I am starting to find myself disliking him intensely. I think I am in the anger phase of this process. The part where he is involved, in my whatever this is.  Every time I am forced to recall my trip to the States to see him, when around friends, I start to see the reality of the situation. This is when reality check does work.

The only reason I know what day it is right now is because it sits on the right hand corner of my laptop screen. I have another doctors appointment later today, no not psych although I wish it was, my writing is my psych right now.

I simply do not feel I even want to rise out of bed today. What for? Will this feeling ever end? The days seem to blend into one, its been well over a month. When does it end? I have to make a decision about my job, I am damned lucky they have offered me the time time they have, unpaid but still a lifeline of sorts. I am simply not ready for it. The work does not make me happy (who’s does I hear you say?!) but it is a job, I am aware to have a job in this economic climate is a godsend but I am not capable of performing within what I know is expected of me right now. The burden of expectation makes me feel sick to my stomach, it messes with my head, it is a reality check..you need money to survive…you need money for support but when your mind is a haze of chaos and sadness it’s one reality that is so hard to take….

Clumsy attempts at distraction…the freakish world of online dating…ain’t you gone yet?!

The morning after! I have quite a fuzzy head again and usually when I have indulged in these last weeks I wake feeling melancholy and miserable (and feel incredibly guilty because Joe would not have liked me ‘partying’…Joe who? I say…false bravado, just fake it til you make it!). But this morning I can’t help but laugh at myself. I had a bee in my bonnet yesterday I just had to get out. Had that whole it’s Friday vibe thing happening..yeah let’s go..woohoo after all I have been stuck in a kind of self imposed exile. I have to get moving.

I have been taking part in that great and very common (these days because we are time poor and the organic process of dating seems to have fizzled somewhat because of our way of life) pastime of online ‘dating’, probably a really mad time to do it considering my love and existential crisis, but as I have said I am going to make the rest of my journey a good one and it is a ‘distraction’. It means getting back on the proverbial horse although the timing is probably a tad out right now. What the heck, surely it can’t hurt?…Oh dear…

So I get an invite out by a couple of males, I chose one over the other he was younger and more aggressive in his approach and I like a man that takes charge..although not to the extent that they are a controlling narcissistic egomaniac like a certain person who shall remain nameless but begins with J..! Goodness, ain’t you gone yet? Outta my head yank.

Anyway, this guy plans to meet up at a pub somewhat nearby (nothing is nearby where I am living these days except Kangaroos!) and he right up until the 11th hour seems keen. Then he says with an hour to go “Sorry Roz I’m not sure I will make it in time to the Pub but how about you come over to my house instead?”

My immediate response “I don’t even know you, like that’s gonna happen, have a nice life!” well I may have tempered my response a tad as in print its just not ladylike! What? Do I have a big S for Stupid on my forehead?!

Now I know for a fact that there are ‘Apps’ and websites specifically set up for casual ‘dating’ and there are many happy to take part in that scene young and very old, its become all so open and quite frankly a tad gory…I have had 2 very young men message me on the site I am on one 18 (!) and the other 23 and they have specifically said they are looking for cougars and let them know if I would like a bit of ‘fun’..well kiddo’s I am old enough to be your mother and that ain’t gonna happen in this lifetime I assure you. YUK with a capital YE!

But there it is. Then you get these guys with ” no baggage, no kids, no-one I need to fix, must be physically attractive” in their profiles fella’s, have you had a good hard look at yourselves lately? Hello, this is all so familiar, someone who shall remain nameless but begins with J had told me countless times he had the body of a 35 year old (he is almost 60!), he is fit and healthy (he has a belly on him and looks like a heart attack waiting to happen including a number of medications that support that fact) and how he was going to make love to me all night and the fact is he simply could not (not that that matter so much when you love someone, I could have lived with that, seriously, because I loved him).

Delusions everywhere, not just men, the women too. I’ve had many of the men tell me how appreciative they are that I even took the time to say’ Hi, thanks for your message however I do not wish to take this further at this stage, and I wish you well in your search’, I’m a freak, I really do sit and take the time to cut and paste that standard response to each because I don’t like to ignore people. Some of them are genuinely lonely and putting there hearts out there and I don’t want them to feel they are not worthy of at least a reply! One night I had 38 messages in my inbox, in just one night and that occurred frequently near about in numbers for at least a week and I still get a lot. Sometimes I want to end the membership.

It’s too soon, I still for some unfathomable reason have feelings for the man that broke my heart. I have spent many an hour pummeling myself for being so stupid. But I have come to realise, that is just me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I love I love deeply, honestly and faithfully and one day I hope I will have that in return. Mutually. I can not allow this painful experience with Joe to take away my belief in love, love is all you need the Beatles said! I believe them. (With the exception of food, water, shelter…yadayada)

In the meantime I’ll continue to take these steps forward, one day at a time…

Life beyond him…A crossroads….

This blog is about Love and romance, loss, struggle, strength and courage and an ongoing journey as I find my way out of currently what feels like a point where I can either sink back into the black abyss of depression and medication or fight my way back to the strength I worked so hard to obtain only a year ago. My ongoing journey…..perhaps my “Eat, Pray, Love” experience!!!

I am starting this blog both as an informative reach out to others who have felt absolute crushing, demented, painful heartbreak at a time when you thought you had been given the most wonderful gift in the world ‘True, everlasting love’, finally at a time in your life when you thought it would never come…when you reached a crossroads…a time you felt it was meant to be…plus eventually a source of help and strength and maybe something else marvelous to come from it…that I can share….because that is what life is about, sharing and community….although at this point I have never felt so alone….

The children have grown, you think you have reached a beautiful point in life after much struggle personally, healthwise, financially.  You’ve risen above some of the most excruciating of life’s challenges; years of depression, a child you were told was going to die within 5 years of diagnosis from an incurable but ridiculous disease that takes years as you watch the quality of life disintegrate slowly (but he is still here and almost 21 years old), bankruptcy. almost fatal car accident,  the list goes on…. only to find the person who in my case was magically brought back into my life after 30 years apart and halfway around the globe where it looks like the perfect end to a beautiful and romantic love story is not who you think he is and behaves in such a bewildering inexplicable way…. you feel you may never love again…ever…never want to.

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW

I am sitting in bed. I have just spent two weeks in and out of it…in foetal position crying, sleeping and many hours just lying here wondering if I will ever feel about life the way I did up til only 3 weeks ago.

I should be at work…I simply can’t be..I can’t focus on anything for any semblance of time at the moment although somehow I feel I may be slowly working through it…right now I don’t care if I lose my job…

4 May 2015 I arrived back from what I thought was a trip that would be the most incredible time in my life.

I flew to America, Arizona to finally get to see and hold in person the man who I thought was the love of my life.

How did I come to that as some would say ‘over the top, romantic but silly’ conclusion? Here is the background;

Early 1980’s I was coming home from Highschool and the American Aircraft Carrier USS Constellation was visiting Perth (Western Australia). I was at the bus terminal about to change buses and I turned to see two guys who really looked as if they weren’t quite sure where they were going and I thought….Sailors! As a young girl I was fascinated by the promise of interesting stories and gorgeous foreign accents and one of them in particular as we caught each other’s eye made my heart skip a beat. He was handsome, dark olive skin, dark hair, amazing eyes and a captivating aura even then…I had to say hello.

His smile was amazing. I asked if they needed help at all, that they looked slightly lost. He said they were trying to work out which bus to take…and we started talking…I could not take my eyes away from him…even his voice mesmerized me.

There was an immediate connection. I was only 16 and he was early twenties. We spent a number of days together whilst the ship was in, at one stage he visited my house and asked my then guardians permission to take me out. I still have photos of us together at that time people look and say how good we looked together even then.  Our time together was amazing and one day after a lovely day out I went back to his hotel room with him and we kissed as he leaned back against the wall and I could feel he wanted me….I knew it but was so innocent and I saw him see the shock in my eyes at feeling his want for me he stopped and said “no, don’t worry, we are not going to do that” and with that promptly pulled himself together and put me a little distance away and said ‘You are not ready for that. We can wait…’  the control it must have taken because the want from both of us was very strong….he was….a gentleman. I was both relieved and very disappointed….I was so sad when the ship went out, but we continued to write each other for a long time.

He wrote often, sent photos and beautiful jewelry and a made a tape of songs that I played until it fell apart!. We spoke on the phone occasionally, he always updated me on where he was.  He expressed his affection and a wish to come back to me and Perth to live but I as a very young girl and did not have the same level of focus as he and I went on with my life more so than he did at that time. At one stage I had taken off to another state, even overseas and he managed to keep track of me through my guardians whom he had made friends with and kept in touch. They liked him very much and hoped we would somehow find our way back to each other.

One letter I still have he wrote to me whilst waiting to go in to class at college, which he was doing at night and working during the day. I think he had left the Navy by then. He wrote “I hope that all this effort I am putting into college will pay off in the end”, “can you send me some more photos, I have one of you in my wallet that is worn from taking it out to look at and putting it back in”, “I know I will be back when Australia defends the cup (the Americas cup) in 86 or 87, I just have to be patient, our time will come”, “Please stay in touch Roz, for a while there I thought we had lost touch for good and I have to say it was not a nice feeling at all”….

After a while I guess it was too serious for me to contemplate and would take too long so I went on with things. But I never completely forgot him…ever. As the years went by every now and then I would see the photos of us and wonder….

I last heard from him almost 4 years after the ship had gone but had pretty much done quite a bit over those years and he finally stopped writing.

30 plus years later and after both having been through divorce and a lifetime of differing experiences, I was at what I thought was finally a turning point. I was coming through a blinding bout of depression, had been suicidal…my sons were now older (my eldest still ill but in a type of remission) had left and were living at their fathers and there was just me with time to finally deal with me.

I had made the decision that after years of secretly struggling and many years on the anti depressant roundabout from which not one Doctor had ever suggested I take a break from, I made the choice to wean off them and see what life could be like un-blinkered and medically unassisted.  I was very sick as I was coming off them and the story I will tell in another post but for now…Joe and I.

The first week I started to wean I was also when able trying to put my own consulting business together slowly. On the days I was well enough I would read and research and slowly started to create my own wordpress website and read up about SEO and the like which was not second nature to my generation (I was 47 at the time).

I joined up that marvelous business networking site Linkedin and was browsing peoples names I knew from years ago as a curiosity and I browsed Joe.  I saw that he had done OK and his time at Uni had paid off and was pleased for him. There was an old familiar feeling of sadness when I looked at his photo…he was still so handsome to me but had obviously aged and I wondered how his life had been.

I didn’t realise it at the time but as a premium account holder he could see who had browsed him and after a couple of days I received a request to connect from him. I was in shock but I accepted straight away and then it took a few days for either of us to make a move. I found the email address and so I wrote a short hello and how wonderful to see you on here email. He wrote back pretty much immediately and said that he had been in shock when he saw my view of his account and that after a little while he had realised that he had never really forgotten me. I wrote and said the same and within a couple of days we were emailing each other several times a day. And then we talked on the phone for over two hours and it was amazing.

He said how wonderful it was that we had reconnected and had been given this second chance and that we must do something with it….that it had not happened for no reason. He told me he was there for me to be by my side and bring me out of my illness and back to the Roz he knew I could be and true to his word for weeks he wrote and talked me through some tough times. He also encouraged me to exercise…said if I was going to be with him I would have to be fit, healthy and strong to keep up! So I refocused on life, a life with him and worked hard to get fit and strong again.

A couple of weeks into our constant talking and love and care, one day in the midst of a phone call, we had been speaking for at least an hour he said “can I tell you something?” I said “Yes of course” and he said “I Love you”. I was nicely surprised and overwhelmed but immediately blurted back that I loved him too…I did…I still do. The impact from him uttering those three perfect words I had never ever felt before in my life and doubted I ever would again. It made perfect sense to us the timing and the reconnect. What had been missing in my life all these years was this man who never really went completely from inside of me, from a young girl of 16.

In honesty it was not a smooth ride the last 9 months of us writing constantly and the occasional phone calls. Admittedly, I tried to pull away a few times as I was recovering because I found it so hard to be so far away and as that wore him out he would pull away for a while but would always come back when I asked him.  And it was not always my fault for trying to end it. He would not write and started to become less clear about what was happening with him that I would feel ‘my god is this worth it?’. The answer was always ‘yes’. I knew in my heart I deeply loved this man and the effort was well and truly worth it. But the tyranny of distance and time was coming between us yet again.

Our initial months of communicating were fervent and initially he said he knew we had to do what it took to bring our lives together, that with him is where I was meant to be and he wanted it immediately. But I was still unwell and there were things I needed to tie up and sort before I could move to be with him and over time he grew impatient and started to put in doubts.

He would repeatedly say “I just wish I had brought you back with me 30 years ago and given you the life you deserved”, which became a haunting repetition about the 30 years that we had missed together and every time he said it it made me sad and I could not believe how often he repeated it. What was the point? It didn’t happen that way for whatever reason.

His demeanor would change from engaged and how wonderful it will be when we first make love to how he did not know how to do this long distance thing and how were we going to do this. At one point his busy job became extremely busy and high pressure he had told me he was very busy but I had no idea just how so until I went to see him because he just could not communicate it. This man who wrote the most amazing letters years ago and in the beginning of our reconnect, who could very succinctly say what he needed to had all of a sudden stopped communicating and it was me then who would write almost daily because I felt I was losing him a second time and I was not prepared to do that. He had become a Exec for a large tech company on the West Coast of the States and he was working remote and was Managing a team worldwide plus co parenting a young daughter he had out of wedlock at a late age (she is 12 this year, he never married her mother) and the gravity of that I guess I did not quite get until I saw it for myself.

But that in itself was not where it all went wrong….I need to rest now. Recounting the good parts whilst writing this made me feel we were still in that place of hope and promise which I now know will never be and knowing that drains and still hurts incredibly. I will finish the Roz and Joe story next….But I need to cry now….