too low for zero…those frigging groundhogs

Often when going through a depression it is difficult to wake up, you peel one eye open and even if the sun is shining through the curtain, say “oh whats the use?” and if lucky manage to fall back to sleep again. Sleeping is a welcome relief from the negative thoughts and ruminations, the anxiety you feel about having to interact with other humans because often you simply do not want to be anywhere near them, and the thought about how you are going to get yourself through the day. (Mind you that is when you have the semi functioning form of it).

I get a message this morning from a dear friend who tells me he has been diagnosed with ‘cancer of the esophagus’ and I sit for a while..in bed…in shock. I am not sure how to process this. After all it is not me, it is him that is about to go through a very tough journey but hopefully win the fight. I will be as ‘there’ for him as I can be (he is in Sydney and I am in Perth) but I am at present here because as I have mentioned many times because of my beautiful eldest son who is suffering the effect of a degenerative illness with no hope for a cure and at present it has progressed more rapidly than before. Why has this happened to people I love and care about the most. Why does it not happen to the evil bastards out there instead?

I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my boy yesterday and it lifted me immensely. Every moment I get to spend with him is a joy. A temporary relief from the constant feeling of what my psych calls pre-grief or anticipatory grief. Grief comes in many forms. It often accompanies certain feelings of guilt too especially as a parent that your child has this and why is it not you instead. You would give anything for it to be you instead. Or to find a way to make it all go away.

Often lately I just feel either highly emotional or completely numb. But compared to how low I got when I was depressed and yet on medication it seems I can at times still pull out of it for a while. I have been getting myself to the gym in the last weeks trying to lift out of it and gain strength and perspective again. Even going back to my psych for much needed psychotherapy which means I am no longer self medicating as much with alcohol etc. When I drink now I know I will be happy for a little while and then know I will feel low the next day but awareness when you can be helps.

And then into the mix I try relationships, still, even though it really probably isn’t the best time but I figure that this cycle of depression, grief and just general crap has been part of my life wasted in the last few years and am aware that time passes quickly. I dont want to say this next chapter this decade (I felt like my entire 40’s was pretty much a dead loss with the exception of my time bringing up and being with my sons) is also a waste.

So I keep trying. I believe in love.

I am one of those idiots who feels that remaining friends with exes and love interests should be easier than it actually is. I am a communicator, sometimes overly so but that is me. For years I kept the lines of communication open for my boys’ sakes with their father and it worked very well until it became abundantly clear that his new wife was incredibly insecure about it and me and started to cause all sorts of rubbish. Thankfully by that time my boys were grown enough that she could have no negative influence on them and how they are as people. There is a whole chapter on that crazy shit and in all honesty…it ain’t worth the energy.

Then the other night I spoke to a certain someone, after we had mended the fence slightly over the course of a week or so, slowly, and I thought that we could move forward and stay friends at least and then that came crashing down with an almighty bang ending with me hanging up after saying ‘you will not have to the chance to hurt me again’. This time I meant it. For self preservation. This guy was subtle but for me it was death by a thousand cuts.

I seem to be drawn to headcases. The unreachable. It is almost as if I choose these crazy bastards because I am comfortable in the ‘zone of pain’. It feels normal to me. If someone comes to me and is enamoured and gives me too much love and respect I can’t cope and it doesn’t feel right.

I am working on that. As I said I have started going back to my psych because on top of how careless I am with my heart I am not handling many things well. And I know it.

I was so drunk the other night, after my phone call with the above mentioned (I can’t say his codename because he reads and gets very annoyed with me, not that I should care anymore anyway as we will never talk to each other again. I am also annoyed that I let his attitude to my blogging effect my regular writing. I was too concerned about what he would think and that was stupid. Yet another man trying to control me. Never again) I also texted the ‘him’ (yank 1) in ‘life beyond him’ and made mention of how impressed I was with his amazingly large manhood albeit somewhat faulty these days it seemed…are you supposed to harangue a narcissist? Too bad, I did.

Yes I have lost it and at this point in time my care factor is zero. I am as Elton John would say “too low for zero”. (See song https://youtu.be/PjzkGKczRNY).

But in there still is yank 2. We still talk on skype at least once a week, even if not as long as we did and it is his friendship and our crazy illuminated, animated conversations that have helped. He talks me through things with intelligent perspective. He is as off the wall as I. It is sad it is only friendship but it is much treasured.

When will groundhog day cease and things start to make sense.

Love and whitelight xx

Slim pickings…humanity

I’ve been at a loss about how to approach a myriad of things on my mind lately; relationships and dating in middle age (god I hate that classification), depression, life’s struggles, and crazy occurrences. I’ve missed writing my blog regularly, but I’d made a conscious decision not to for a little while because I caused offence to certain persons and that was not my intention. This blog was created for me and my journey and writing real life as a catharsis.

But as it turned out, being public and curiosity getting the better of people my blog was being ‘read’ and some were not very impressed at times! Some, I couldn’t give two hoots about that being the case but others I do care about.

So I have made the decision to retire certain persona for good out of new found understanding and respect.

I’ve read some funny things about dating mid life recently, I guess I was curious taking into account my shenanigans over the last few years. And when I hit 50 and I saw that most of my friends had managed to find a partner and I was still without something good and solid I started to think “my god, I am going to become a crazy cat lady, alone, die alone and they will eat my bones because there will be no one around who actually gives a flying fig” cue violins…bring out the Stradivarius…

And then I snapped out of that.

I am who I am. I like what I like and do what I do (yes sometimes spontaneously and without proper thought) and dont think I should have to apologise for being me. Left of centre and currently without said felines.

I’ve been researching for a possible book or article and also to assuage my curiousness about this mid life dilemma we all seem to go through at some stage and how we interact with each other and just generally the journey of finding love at this time in our lives.

I have noticed that women my age seem to become invisible to men on dating sites who even though they themselves are galloping towards 60 seem to list their preferred partners age at a minimum of 10-15 years younger so in essence their search will exclude attractive and intelligent women like me (LOL) who don’t look or act their age (well I do sometimes!)  ie many mid 50’s men are looking for women in their 30’s or even early 40’s may be considered and won’t even look at someone their own age unless they have a mommy complex where they do look for someone slightly older because they need a ‘nurse with a purse’.

I am here to tell you, unless you have wads of cash in your wallet and are able to sustain a hard on you boys will rarely get a look insee! I see the sheer numbers of hopefuls who state they are a ‘young’ 55 par example. But I sincerely wish you luck!  Then again paradoxically there are some young women who are looking for fatherly figures…;)

The irony is that even though many women are also overlooked and referred to as hormonal and crazy at our age (admittedly partially true) and carrying le baggage,the fact is alot of men this age are absolutely and irrevocably bat shit crazy themselves and going through their own mid life crisis often completely blind to the fact!

It’s hilarious!

It’s hilarious and frustrating. These are some slim pickings I’m afraid!

And what bamboozles me more is that I often find young men are in absolute awe of us young and vibrant looking (!!!) 50’s women and we knock them back because we don’t want to be seen as ‘cougars’ or worse yet MILFS (I bet some aging impotent middle aged male Ad exec coined that phrase trying to be a smart arse).

So the dating dilemma continues. A friend of mine said the other day and he has known me since I was in my late teens “it is going to take someone really special and different to be able to match you. You are unique”. I looked at him quizzically and didn’t know whether to thank him or hit him!  Arrrgghh. I dont have the energy for this dance at present. Well, today at least.

I spent precious time with my dear sons yesterday, my eldest seeming to struggle to stop the jerking movements that have resurfaced as the botox shots start to wear off and his tongue protruding out of his mouth stopping him from being able to talk and eat properly. (To recap; my eldest son has a rare neuro-degenerative disease N.B.I.A and it has progressed more rapidly this year sadly). There were times I thought he would jerk out of his wheelchair or tip it and some sad ignorant woman decided to pass comment on him controlling his tongue. It happens alot. Many do not understand. How could they.

But his brother and I managed to make him laugh (even that is becoming a choking risk now) with our mother-son comedy routine. Its those times that I cherish the most. Limited but they give me the greatest sense of peace.

After they left the restaurant I took myself out for a few drinks because I needed to numb the feeling that I just wanted to cry and at the same time scream ; ‘why is this happening to my boy?’ (I know we are not alone in tragedy in this world and there is worse but I cant help it).

Unfortunately, after many drinks I did find myself crying on the long train journey home and yet a lovely young man (probably my son’s age) came up to me and asked if I was OK and asked if he could give me a hug and said ‘I am here to talk to if you need to’. I was so grateful for his humanity and kindness, there is still some out there. But I was also mortified at my public display of pain. Its unusual because I usually do that in the privacy of my asylum.

I guess that is why I focus so much on love. It distracts me from the profound sense of loss I feel so deeply lately. But I need to pull myself out of it. Get on with life in the best way I can.

I think an afternoon of good music and wine is in order. Love and whitelight xx

Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx

Why do I do it? Feel it, move through it

I have been struggling today. After my decision yesterday to just obliterate the afternoon and night with alcohol because I just couldn’t stand the pain and sick feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Joe and I broke up but was also very different because this man was different in so many ways.

Fact of the matter is that he had a unique way of being able to show his vulnerability and then in the next breath he would speak strong and confidently and reiterate how marvelous he was (at times overtly narcissistic, even though having had a very recent experience with a true cerebral narcissist I knew he was not one)…at times I could not keep up with that complex to-ing and fro -ing he seemed to be doing. I think how he felt about us was similar. He wanted us to hang in there with each other and yet another time he would distance himself from the prospect of the committed relationship because he just didn’t need it, it seemed to him. He wasn’t sure about it, it was scary as hell to him I could see that. He was crazy, funny, complex, profound, childlike…it was a ride. At times I felt like I could feel his essence and then he would close off and I could not get a read on him and I remained fascinated and even though alarm bells went off here and there I could not bring myself to save myself from what I am feeling now at his hands.

We did over the times we would talk for hours on Skype discuss and share some very deep personal things with each other. Things I would never repeat because even though he has hurt me in what turned out to be a thoughtless and careless way I know that at times he will think back and feel a profound sense of loss at what we did have and he will know it was of  his own making, sadly. He did not give himself the chance to experience what could have been a love experience like no other, he was scared…once I said that to him and he freely admitted it. He was capable of seeing things that others took a long time to realise or did not at all. He was a special man in my eyes, even though he hurt me.

Me, well I am reeling from the shock that when it happened it was over so quickly. Yet I get the feeling that my intuition was right many days ago when I felt that all was not good and yet I still remained hopeful that the words we both had uttered over the last month or so, after a bad bump about hanging in there and weathering the storms because we both felt there was something worthwhile in the future for us, together.

I ask myself ‘why do you do it?’ keep putting yourself out there, taking that risk, knowing it could result in exactly what I am feeling now and have felt a number of times over but each experience more or less painful than the other? The ‘experts’ in life would say I am stupid; I court this drama and to some extent they could be right but I also know that the flip side of this horrible hurt is an amazing sense of wonder and happiness that at times you feel is so good you want to bottle it and keep it forever…the upside of opening yourself up. When relationships are new, or even long but going well there is nothing like it..feeling love for the person you are with is unlike anything else. Feeling that connection, wow. And I still believe in love.

Last night in my drunken stupor I wrote a long and at times perhaps slightly rough on him email although it is what I thought was true and correct. He had done something similar to me a couple of weeks back. But I was drunk and I did preface the email with that. But in the cold light of day today when I realised he really had let go of us the hurt was back but I realised that either way it was more helpful to myself to speak in more positive terms about what we had and to say goodbye with love, so I did. With the love and care I still feel for him but I know now that he has disconnected and I have had to accept that even this early in the piece because to hold on with hope will only prolong my pain. The chances are he made his decision much sooner than the actual day he let go even if it was a difficult one he tousled with for a time. It is just how it is. Hoping for some miracle that we will somehow make it in the end will only destroy me and I have had enough to deal with both over the years and even still.

With sadness I have let go. I will allow the odd romantic fantasy of us making it in only because I know you must allow yourself to feel the spectrum of emotions and work through it in order to emerge rather than descend into the dark place.

I miss him so, already it feels as if he has been gone forever. But I wish him well.

And now I must deal with me, try to see in front of me..a future. Often when depressed you can not see a future. I will not entertain this feeling for long. I can not go back to that place. I am unmedicated, have been for 2 years now after many years on it. I have fought hard to be healthy and stay away from the dark without that artificial intervention and I refuse to give in now. No matter what. No one can help me but me.

Love and whitelight xxx

Divine timing…realisations

It almost got me again. That thing. That slow spiral decent into the deep dark place where there seems to be no hope. Where all you want to do is shut the world out, close the curtains and stay in foetal position swathed in the only warmth you can find; that of shuteye and sleep in bed where nothing and no one can harm you. Where your mind can get some form of peace.

BUT IT DIDN’T. I skirted the edge of the precipice and this time avoided the dive into the abyss. I gave myself a few days of misery and self flagellation and somehow I lifted myself up and started to think of all the reasons why this apparent ‘end of the world’ situation was not actually the end of the world; IT WAS THE GIFT OF DIVINE TIMING…

I started several posts over the last month since I last posted in this blog only to save the draft with the intention of publishing later. And never did. It is over a month now that I last wrote and as I read back that post and know how much has happened since then I realise that no matter how much I wanted to control the future I just could not.

I lost my job last week. It came like a bolt out of the blue because I thought I was doing well. I was told that I could not perform at the level required of me because I had not acquired (expected through self education in my own time) over the last month or so on the job the ‘advanced excel skills’ required to do what she needed me to do; different than what I thought I was actually required to do when I was hired yet never discussed in the 10 minute interview (yes, she only talked to me for ten minutes and decided I was the one to hire),  which was a job I have nearly 10 years experience in. It simply wasn’t enough.

A cold slap in the career face which as per usual I immediately internalised. And my ‘partner’ of sorts, the yank  criticized me saying that I was a ‘field of red flags’ and that I must have been ‘let go’ for a reason…yes he judged without knowing the facts for which he later made a very heartfelt apology and referred to himself as an ‘asshole’ and having had a ‘bad case of hubris’. That is what I love about him, he has the capacity to admit when he is wrong, apologise and rectify. He also tells me things I do not want to hear that others wouldn’t and says ‘I am not rejecting you’ and sticks with us even when the distance and other factors seems to be against us and always asks me ‘just hang in there baby, it is worth it’. And he feels empathy..something that other narcissistic yanky arsehole could not. But I digress.

So not only had I lost my job which at my age (now 50) brings about an incredible level of self doubt and fear but the person who had not long before that told me ‘I love you babe’ was saying “wake up and smell the roses”. It was as if he was cutting me loose as well.

I was lost for a few days. Sad, hurt, fearful and all the old familiar feelings of pain and inadequacy came pouring through…and it was hard…

With some kind words from  friends, his renewed support and a bit of strength I had finally mustered I made another tough decision. Well, it wasn’t so tough when I flipped all the negative rubbish and took a real good look at things.

This was a gift from the universe, timing and the freedom to do some things I needed to do and sort that had been worrying me for some time.

I was loving it here in some ways, but the main elements were missing; my sons, first and foremost, my love, my friends and feeling really satisfied with what I was doing in my career. The timing for this move here was not right. It was too soon, with so much else that needed to be sorted before I took this leap. And it was brought to my attention in a fast and unexpected way. In my job, my boss had put the kibosh on my being able to go to the July wedding in the states that both Yank and I had been looking forward to attending ‘together’ and it would be our first time face to face after many and regular 2 day a week Skype dates often for hours on end, and constant emails and talking on the phone we would finally see each other. But no, she said no leave. It had saddened and disappointed me and even though he said he understood there was still times he would bring it up. One night he even asked me, just in case I could somehow go, my food preference at the wedding. We both chose the same dish.

My heart was not in this stay here; I was pining for my sons especially knowing that my eldest was now having more difficulty with his disease progressing again and even though when there I could not get to see him often not through want of trying but another trying situation there with my ex husband and his horrid nasty wife, it was was made me give up and fly out far too soon. So many elements were not in place.

Now, there is a very good chance I will make that July wedding in Chicago or very soon thereafter and see my love..he has leave from work so we can spend some real time together. I am flying home to Perth next week and I will see both of my sons poste haste and that makes my soul feel so so good, and I get to sort some things out that really should have been sorted prior to my leaving. And, I have also made some career decisions too. Something I should have done a long time ago, had I had more faith in the universe and more particularly….IN MYSELF.  Watch this space:)

Love and whitelight xxx

 

Difficult decisions…flow

Alot has happened since my last post. I was contemplating my next move and had been for quite some time running it through my head over and over. It was time to make some difficult decisions. One very difficult one in particular.

Our kids are the greatest gift that we can be given. They are a blessing if we are lucky enough to have them and I love my sons more than life itself and have always referred to them as my anchor to this earth. They are older now; one nearly 20 and the other nearly 22 if the degeneration does not progress as fast as it has been so far the end of and beginning of this year. It has been devastating to watch and not be able to do anything but love him immensely and at times I have been so shaken up by it again more recently in frustration and sadness it threatened to overcome me and drag me into the dark abyss but I have been fighting that with all my might…it won’t help him, or his brother and it certainly could be very detrimental to my future which for a long time I actually did not care so much about as long as I was there for my boys. His father is wealthy and has everything so well set up and in place for his care and at times a bit of independence which is what he likes that as it was I was not able to see him as often as I wanted, that was very difficult.

But I am in transition. I will be 50 in May. I have moved through years of sadness, and darkness at times; like an automaton, doing what I should do. I am now realising that some things are out of our control and to fight that is futile…it is a waste of energy and life.

I owe it to myself; yes I am being selfish right now but I have to to ensure that whatever happens I try make some positive flow in life for whatever time there is and not sit and ruminate and stagnate as I have been doing for a while now. Move forward.

This time last week I flew into Sydney, the big beautiful sprawling metropolis that has always been my second home. I have always been bi-coastal even though I was born in Perth I have always felt at home here even though by virtue of the fact it is one hell of an expensive place to live as far as housing goes rent and buying, and worse now more than ever. But there is something about life here. I love it. And I needed to take a breath from the vacuum I was in in Perth. Something had to shift. So after time with my boys and discussing it with them; my youngest said “mum, you have been here for us and its time you did some things for you” and my eldest also understood…but if I discuss how we talked about it I will break down right now so I won’t. I have to stay strong. I am meeting people today and I have managed to secure a job interview Monday. There is so much work here compared to Perth which is slumped right now because mining and resources fell in a hole. If you have read my previous posts you will see what I mean. I have had calls left right and centre and it has buoyed me a bit. Given me a shot of energy that I haven’t had for a while.

I now think that whatever is meant to be will be, there is only so much we can control. The universe has its way of directing our lives if we allow the flow…right now I am all about letting things flow.

My relationship; yes I think I can safely say my relationship with Yank 2 (my darling) has progressed as best as it can considering we are on different continents right now. It has literally flowed over time; we have a skype date at least once a week when he has his days off and we are often on there for hours and hours just enjoying each other…it is wonderful and unexpected. After the last horror; the HIM in life beyond him I was so cautious and was not going to allow myself to let go easily with this but this has worked and flowed freely and unscripted and it feels wonderful. We email at least a few times daily. He always makes sure he has responded so when I wake in the morning his message is there and a great way to start the day and I do the same for him plus we write as we see or do things we want to tell and share with each other…no expectations but lots of REAL and true CARE and we have both been hinting at something much stronger but holding those words back even though we call each other my love, sweetheart and darling (!) we know there is something very exciting to look forward to in the future. I finally feel satisfied in a relationship…even from afar and am happy to wait as long as it takes and so far it appears that he is too. He has asked me to join him as a plus one at a family wedding in Chicago in July, he said a lot of the family will be there…that means alot. After that I want to him to come to Australia. His brother lives here in Sydney with his wife. I am about to meet them today, he has really encouraged it as a support more than anything but also it seems opening his world up to me. I am a lucky girl, he is a good man.

I have to go now and get ready but I will write more soon,

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

The existential vacuum..foolosophy

There have been many days lately when I’ve said “come on girl, get your merde together” do something, feel something, anything, just don’t lose that marvelous impetus you found more recently. That which took months to get to. Months of therapy and work on the mind body and soul, recovery, and I had honestly thought I was there…and then…

And then.

Nothing.

Somewhere I read that the existential vacuum is where a person reaches a point where they doubt that life has any meaning; a neurosis characterised by loss of interest and lack of initiative…is it that or as most doctors and psych’s would be quick to say; ‘ by george YOU ARE DEPRESSED’

And this morning I woke and it felt like ‘fuck, another day of nothingness’.

It’s weird because there is some good in my life right now. That beautiful man in Chicago with a beautiful smile, a gentle nature, an old but wonderful soul. We talk almost every day either via email or phone or skype. Not last night or this morning for the first time in a while but I know we will skype in a couple of days. With him, I just know. He has integrity. Usually I will wake and he has managed to send a thought..a few words..touch base. And this has been regular since Valentines day when we first met on a dating website. Yes I know I lambasted those blasted things but this time it may have come up with something good.

I am taking it a day at a time, more or less, somehow  we will be in each others physical presence in July, we’ve talked about it…how, at the moment I do not know considering I am not working but it will happen. It is something to aim for and look forward to. And I know this time it will be vastly different to…if you’ve read my very early posts you will know what I am talking about.

At the moment there isn’t much else. I am grateful I am alive, I must be. Some people are fighting for their lives so what right have I to squander these precious hours on this earth. My eldest son lives daily with a ticking time bomb and yet he manages to smile…what right have I to frown.

I have flown close to the edge again a few times recently but some vestige of sanity and hope keeps me afloat….just treading water to keep my head enough above the surface to get in air and if I tilt my head enough I see sunlight for a while before the clouds threaten to roll on in…

The vacuum. I am 50 in less than 2 months and I feel like the clock is ticking….and what am I doing…what can I do, what should I do; SHOULD?

This morning I read this quote ; “What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and isn’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”  From Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain..

According to whose gospel must I live? Mine or the general populus. Some would say ‘yes, she has lost the plot again’, no, I haven’t…not quite…but I am very close…

I do not know what to do with my life now. I have come to a grinding halt. I am AFRAID…afraid of what I am not doing that I should be and of doing what I should not do…analysis paralysis at its best and most damaging…

All I know is that if I stay….here….there is only nothingness. But at present I can’t see forward too far. I don’t want to leave my sons but I don’t want to stay in this funk…this sleepy one horse town of doom gloom…the longer I stay here the more likely it is I will…cease to exist…I am only merely existing now…I rarely see anyone..or go anywhere..I live too far away and everything is so expensive here. I rarely see my sons and yet being here I know I am here if they need me..what if my beautiful boy passes when I am interstate or overseas would I ever forgive myself…

I need to get my mind back to its healthy; life is worth living state..out of the vacuum…NO MEDICATION..I will not ride that treadmill I would rather die…at least I am not feeling like I want to die right now…there is a glimmer…

My beautiful man wants to read my blog (I haven’t told him what it is called, I cant right now) and I am so scared that when he does he will see the very flawed individual who at present is weak and fearful and indecisive and….tired not lack of sleep tired but mentally tired of years of worry and fighting to stay upright and do what is required of her…

I think I will just take a swig of liquid courage and leave the decisions for tomorrow…for now…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

The leap…

It has been a very trying week this last week but ultimately it resulted in change. Change is the one constant in life or so something similar was stated by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. There are certain things we wish could stay the same forever…but nothing does.

I took a very big leap this past week. I chose to take a leap most with sane head and stable lives would not have. I resigned my job. It is not the first time I have walked out of an untenable situation and knowing me it won’t be the last. But it had started to affect my health and mental well being and I had to make the tough choice. In this day here in Perth particularly the timing is not great…to say the least. Our economy and record levels of unemployment made it even foolhardy and the reaction I have had from some I have told has been what I expected.

But they have not been through what I have been through, am still going through and I took a decision to make my mental and physical health a priority. In essence, I know life is short…I am watching the life being drained out of my beautiful eldest son and everyday I wake wondering if that phone call is coming. If I dare think about it for a moment my eyes well up with tears and I feel helpless.

Only recently I went back to my so called ‘good’ doctor and after an expensive consultation the end result was what I have come to expect from most doctors; medication..

Do they dare to think that things can be overcome without it, that it takes time and effort but it can be done? No. Our reliance on chemical intervention is outrageous. Someone the other day said they had thought half the worlds population are on Anti depressants. What does that say about life and our ability to cope with it unaided.

I chose to do the hard yards. In the last 18 months I have ridden a pretty tough tsunami of emotions but whilst I have been very emotional I know that those emotions come from the fact that there is shit going on in my life that is real. Real life. And it is tough but you put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving. This coming from a person who spent 17 years on anti depressants and finally was rid if them in the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the timing sucked but when is it a good time to take a leap of faith in yourself. Nothing is ever  sure thing.

I may have committed career suicide from one perspective and at first the leap made me feel incredibly sick in the stomach and worried sick. But I know what I am capable of and that there is still a wealth of untapped ability there, we all have it but many of us chose to take the practical road where the ups and downs are not as variable and we can have some semblance of control. And that is logical. It is safer.

Even though three different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have told me I am definitely not bipolar or similar my doctor the other day chose to say that she thought I did have episodes a mild hypomania. She said “even I have times when I am hypomanic”…in my mind I was thinking ‘yes I can definitely see that!”, she is a smart and fairly dynamic woman..has what you would probably call ‘charisma’. Only yesterday I was reading in Psychology today about what it will take to be the U.S’s next President and they noted that Bill Clinton an extremely smart and charismatic man was hypomanic to an extent. If you look at many famous and successful people closely you will find there is an element of hypomanic behaviour and often it is in those times that their best work is done. It is a propellant, it moves them to do extraordinary things.

Why would I want to put a cap on that? Why would I want to stifle the ability to create something good, although I do know I need to apply it to good and not evil!:)

So this last couple of days I have been working out my next steps. Working through the fear of the future from a practical perspective and thinking about the possibility ahead of me. Possibility. Possibilities.

All roads have been leading to this point. The only limitation is the one I put on myself and if I listen to the wrong advice. But ultimately what happens next is in my hands…well mostly..

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

F#^&$ Valentines Day…hamster wheel again

OK. I know this won’t be popular with all those loved up couples and googly eyed girlies who think they will be lucky enough to get a Rose this year, but me;”frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!” to quote Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. The frequent bombardment of marketing, ads and sickly sentiment everywhere makes me want to VOMIT in technicolor.

Buy a Pool we will colour the water red as a Valentine day’s special, Special sale for Valentine’s day…kiss my arse you stupid idiots I am not going to buy anything that has ‘on special for Valentines Day’ on it. Crock of merde! (French for sh.t!)

DO THEY REALISE THAT NOT EVERYONE FINDS THIS DAY INTERESTING??? Or exciting, and it is also the one day that if your self esteem is under the floor you feel even more like shit! Fuck that crap….royally….

I am sorry for my foul language and negativity but it really gets my goat…ARRRGGGHHH!

I shall now descend from my soapbox.

Possibly in disgrace for not believing in this butterflies and unicorns day tomorrow..arrgghh..yet again..

Could be where I am right now. Back on the Hamster wheel of life. Groundhog day etc etc. Midlife existential crisis, hormonally fluctuating like bitch!

And damn it I have been so good and positive and much stronger than I have been for years recently but as my last post said there are still challenges around me but I am getting so damn tired of it all and when I think of my beautiful son and what he is going through and the plight of many others I keep saying to myself when I am in whinge mode; YOU NEED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.you have food, shelter, a job, good friends even though they are scarce alot of the time because their own lives are busy, sons you love dearly etc and as I said alot of first world problems but by god I felt weak this week.

And I need to let it out. I can’t talk to people because they are probably sick of hearing negativity, we all are…and even my regular blog readers will read this and go uggghh..that wasn’t worth reading..but this log is still my cathartic outlet…I need it right now…I WILL not descend into depression EVER again…NOT AN OPTION….

Now for the hamster wheel;  my sons deteriorating health; a photo was sent to me whilst I was at work of him sleeping on a couch, exhausted and where I could see his tongue stuck out of his mouth because he can no longer control it and it gets in the way, his arm and hand no longer useful legs and feet starting to curl inward, fading and skinny from not being able to eat properly now..it is….devastating even though I knew it was coming…trying to focus on my new job because I need to earn a living in this goddamn expensive city and move closer to the city so I can be at hand for him and my other son but trying to save the money for bond and rent in advance and moving costs to get my things out of storage..of which the cost is expensive, work days long including a 3 hour total commute and feeling exhausted after as I have had pain in my right lung when I breathe (my right lung is scarred from 2 bad bouts of pneumonia and am a bronchial asthmatic) and a chest infection/virus but I must go to work, must persist…keep my job in this bad economy and to move forward. Every morning on the bus and train in I fight to not think about my son and hold back tears of frustration and sadness, but I know I can not stuff up my work chances again after the last 2 years. I have been doing well at work funnily enough. The frustration of not being able to go to the gym, which has been my absolute saviour for my health and mind because of this lurgy. The disappearance of my period and the related hormonal crap and I know and understand I am going through the change hence my inability to hold back tears at times…those bloody hormones…but exercise helps…arrrgghhh

I so wanted to drink several Martinis last night but I am on strong antibiotics so that would be counter productive…oh my god, a nanosecond of ‘thinking straight’ in the midst of everything…amazing..sleep patterns fucked up because of hormones and external stresses…AYE CARUMBA..there is more, much more but I can’t be bothered now;

even I am tired of reading it!

And then last but not least, it has taken 2 weeks to finally stop thinking about the loss of the “good one” yet another failed relationship of sorts with no prospects in sight (and intermittent thoughts of the yank debacle still because there is no one else in sight probably or maybe he will always be there and the dream I thought was to be us still lingers in the background even though I know now it was never real…he did not mean a thing he said…narcissists don’t and it took a long time for my hearts scars to cover over) but with all of it why should I want it.  Even the dating site has gone quiet on me..which is kind of a relief at the moment but then this FUCKING VALENTINES DAY TOMORROW reminds me that the last time I got roses and spent time on Val Day with someone I really cared about was 1984 and I feel miserable and cranky again….WTF?!?!

Breathe….or try to without pain. Eat some Lindt Dark chocolate. Center. Rest. Be calm and know that the universe will provide…….

Love and whitelight xxx