Often when going through a depression it is difficult to wake up, you peel one eye open and even if the sun is shining through the curtain, say “oh whats the use?” and if lucky manage to fall back to sleep again. Sleeping is a welcome relief from the negative thoughts and ruminations, the anxiety you feel about having to interact with other humans because often you simply do not want to be anywhere near them, and the thought about how you are going to get yourself through the day. (Mind you that is when you have the semi functioning form of it).
I get a message this morning from a dear friend who tells me he has been diagnosed with ‘cancer of the esophagus’ and I sit for a while..in bed…in shock. I am not sure how to process this. After all it is not me, it is him that is about to go through a very tough journey but hopefully win the fight. I will be as ‘there’ for him as I can be (he is in Sydney and I am in Perth) but I am at present here because as I have mentioned many times because of my beautiful eldest son who is suffering the effect of a degenerative illness with no hope for a cure and at present it has progressed more rapidly than before. Why has this happened to people I love and care about the most. Why does it not happen to the evil bastards out there instead?
I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my boy yesterday and it lifted me immensely. Every moment I get to spend with him is a joy. A temporary relief from the constant feeling of what my psych calls pre-grief or anticipatory grief. Grief comes in many forms. It often accompanies certain feelings of guilt too especially as a parent that your child has this and why is it not you instead. You would give anything for it to be you instead. Or to find a way to make it all go away.
Often lately I just feel either highly emotional or completely numb. But compared to how low I got when I was depressed and yet on medication it seems I can at times still pull out of it for a while. I have been getting myself to the gym in the last weeks trying to lift out of it and gain strength and perspective again. Even going back to my psych for much needed psychotherapy which means I am no longer self medicating as much with alcohol etc. When I drink now I know I will be happy for a little while and then know I will feel low the next day but awareness when you can be helps.
And then into the mix I try relationships, still, even though it really probably isn’t the best time but I figure that this cycle of depression, grief and just general crap has been part of my life wasted in the last few years and am aware that time passes quickly. I dont want to say this next chapter this decade (I felt like my entire 40’s was pretty much a dead loss with the exception of my time bringing up and being with my sons) is also a waste.
So I keep trying. I believe in love.
I am one of those idiots who feels that remaining friends with exes and love interests should be easier than it actually is. I am a communicator, sometimes overly so but that is me. For years I kept the lines of communication open for my boys’ sakes with their father and it worked very well until it became abundantly clear that his new wife was incredibly insecure about it and me and started to cause all sorts of rubbish. Thankfully by that time my boys were grown enough that she could have no negative influence on them and how they are as people. There is a whole chapter on that crazy shit and in all honesty…it ain’t worth the energy.
Then the other night I spoke to a certain someone, after we had mended the fence slightly over the course of a week or so, slowly, and I thought that we could move forward and stay friends at least and then that came crashing down with an almighty bang ending with me hanging up after saying ‘you will not have to the chance to hurt me again’. This time I meant it. For self preservation. This guy was subtle but for me it was death by a thousand cuts.
I seem to be drawn to headcases. The unreachable. It is almost as if I choose these crazy bastards because I am comfortable in the ‘zone of pain’. It feels normal to me. If someone comes to me and is enamoured and gives me too much love and respect I can’t cope and it doesn’t feel right.
I am working on that. As I said I have started going back to my psych because on top of how careless I am with my heart I am not handling many things well. And I know it.
I was so drunk the other night, after my phone call with the above mentioned (I can’t say his codename because he reads and gets very annoyed with me, not that I should care anymore anyway as we will never talk to each other again. I am also annoyed that I let his attitude to my blogging effect my regular writing. I was too concerned about what he would think and that was stupid. Yet another man trying to control me. Never again) I also texted the ‘him’ (yank 1) in ‘life beyond him’ and made mention of how impressed I was with his amazingly large manhood albeit somewhat faulty these days it seemed…are you supposed to harangue a narcissist? Too bad, I did.
Yes I have lost it and at this point in time my care factor is zero. I am as Elton John would say “too low for zero”. (See song https://youtu.be/PjzkGKczRNY).
But in there still is yank 2. We still talk on skype at least once a week, even if not as long as we did and it is his friendship and our crazy illuminated, animated conversations that have helped. He talks me through things with intelligent perspective. He is as off the wall as I. It is sad it is only friendship but it is much treasured.
When will groundhog day cease and things start to make sense.
Love and whitelight xx