too low for zero…those frigging groundhogs

Often when going through a depression it is difficult to wake up, you peel one eye open and even if the sun is shining through the curtain, say “oh whats the use?” and if lucky manage to fall back to sleep again. Sleeping is a welcome relief from the negative thoughts and ruminations, the anxiety you feel about having to interact with other humans because often you simply do not want to be anywhere near them, and the thought about how you are going to get yourself through the day. (Mind you that is when you have the semi functioning form of it).

I get a message this morning from a dear friend who tells me he has been diagnosed with ‘cancer of the esophagus’ and I sit for a while..in bed…in shock. I am not sure how to process this. After all it is not me, it is him that is about to go through a very tough journey but hopefully win the fight. I will be as ‘there’ for him as I can be (he is in Sydney and I am in Perth) but I am at present here because as I have mentioned many times because of my beautiful eldest son who is suffering the effect of a degenerative illness with no hope for a cure and at present it has progressed more rapidly than before. Why has this happened to people I love and care about the most. Why does it not happen to the evil bastards out there instead?

I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my boy yesterday and it lifted me immensely. Every moment I get to spend with him is a joy. A temporary relief from the constant feeling of what my psych calls pre-grief or anticipatory grief. Grief comes in many forms. It often accompanies certain feelings of guilt too especially as a parent that your child has this and why is it not you instead. You would give anything for it to be you instead. Or to find a way to make it all go away.

Often lately I just feel either highly emotional or completely numb. But compared to how low I got when I was depressed and yet on medication it seems I can at times still pull out of it for a while. I have been getting myself to the gym in the last weeks trying to lift out of it and gain strength and perspective again. Even going back to my psych for much needed psychotherapy which means I am no longer self medicating as much with alcohol etc. When I drink now I know I will be happy for a little while and then know I will feel low the next day but awareness when you can be helps.

And then into the mix I try relationships, still, even though it really probably isn’t the best time but I figure that this cycle of depression, grief and just general crap has been part of my life wasted in the last few years and am aware that time passes quickly. I dont want to say this next chapter this decade (I felt like my entire 40’s was pretty much a dead loss with the exception of my time bringing up and being with my sons) is also a waste.

So I keep trying. I believe in love.

I am one of those idiots who feels that remaining friends with exes and love interests should be easier than it actually is. I am a communicator, sometimes overly so but that is me. For years I kept the lines of communication open for my boys’ sakes with their father and it worked very well until it became abundantly clear that his new wife was incredibly insecure about it and me and started to cause all sorts of rubbish. Thankfully by that time my boys were grown enough that she could have no negative influence on them and how they are as people. There is a whole chapter on that crazy shit and in all honesty…it ain’t worth the energy.

Then the other night I spoke to a certain someone, after we had mended the fence slightly over the course of a week or so, slowly, and I thought that we could move forward and stay friends at least and then that came crashing down with an almighty bang ending with me hanging up after saying ‘you will not have to the chance to hurt me again’. This time I meant it. For self preservation. This guy was subtle but for me it was death by a thousand cuts.

I seem to be drawn to headcases. The unreachable. It is almost as if I choose these crazy bastards because I am comfortable in the ‘zone of pain’. It feels normal to me. If someone comes to me and is enamoured and gives me too much love and respect I can’t cope and it doesn’t feel right.

I am working on that. As I said I have started going back to my psych because on top of how careless I am with my heart I am not handling many things well. And I know it.

I was so drunk the other night, after my phone call with the above mentioned (I can’t say his codename because he reads and gets very annoyed with me, not that I should care anymore anyway as we will never talk to each other again. I am also annoyed that I let his attitude to my blogging effect my regular writing. I was too concerned about what he would think and that was stupid. Yet another man trying to control me. Never again) I also texted the ‘him’ (yank 1) in ‘life beyond him’ and made mention of how impressed I was with his amazingly large manhood albeit somewhat faulty these days it seemed…are you supposed to harangue a narcissist? Too bad, I did.

Yes I have lost it and at this point in time my care factor is zero. I am as Elton John would say “too low for zero”. (See song https://youtu.be/PjzkGKczRNY).

But in there still is yank 2. We still talk on skype at least once a week, even if not as long as we did and it is his friendship and our crazy illuminated, animated conversations that have helped. He talks me through things with intelligent perspective. He is as off the wall as I. It is sad it is only friendship but it is much treasured.

When will groundhog day cease and things start to make sense.

Love and whitelight xx

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Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

Come to me, meet me halfway or don’t bother…mercy f#%k..

Ahhh. The sun is shining in the window, I look out at the day and smile (It’s a good day when I smile into the sunshine). I am in the middle of a text parry and thrust (comedic) with a man who seems keen to see me again although I haven’t seen him for a while. I haven’t seen anyone for a while, by choice. He was someone I tried as a distraction when I first got back from the States. I was so desperately heartbroken I tried everything to try relieve my mind of that blood sucking vampire including mercy fuck (Can I write that here? Too bad…outer child just had a tantrum).

He is a nice man. Nice is such an insipid word. But he is nice and funny. He wined and dined me, was a proper gentleman. But ultimately as seems to happen in this day and age (of tinder etc, swipe left, swipe right..not that I’m on tinder!) we did the horizontal mumbo far too soon. It was mutual believe me, after waiting 9 months (and some 30 years previous!!) for “I’ve got the body of a 35 year old (not) and I will make love to you all night (he wasn’t capable)” yada yada BS BS BS…delusional narcissistic freak).

Anyway. He made a mistake this time (the distraction). He said maybe I can find my way to his place (if I don’t want to meet for a meal and a night out) and I laughed and thought “there is no way on god’s great earth that I’m doing that shit again”.  So I messaged back and said “Re: ‘find my way’ to yours I don’t do that anymore. You come to me or meet me halfway or forget it, I’m worth more than that…”. I flew half way around the globe to see the Devil and look where that got me, not going there ever again…EVER.

To his credit, he laughed and joked about the mouthful I gave him first thing in the morning, because he knew where I was coming from, he wanted to talk about my trip etc in the days our friendship started even though I didn’t want to at the time and he was amazing, but I cut him off after a little while because I wasn’t well and I wasn’t ready. Still not. His first name is the same as the devil’s, and he is Sicilian as well and there are other similarities and that does my head in.

But something keeps telling me I have to get back on the horse, or I will never ride again.

I need to re-engage with the world. I need to start going out again and living. Force it, until it starts to come naturally again. I’ve been completely broken.

Funnily enough, I got a delivery today of a book I’d ordered a while back (one of a few). It had to come from the States because realistically there is a severe lack of good knowledge here about mental health, or maybe its just got to do with funding and research and the lack thereof here in Australia. And let’s face it, crazy is on a much larger scale in the U.S! DON’T get me wrong, I love America, I could live there and I definitely will return for holidays there on a regular basis because it is awesome in every way, so diverse. The people still say please and thank you there and ‘Yes, maaaam’…love it.

The book is by Susan Anderson. It’s called “Taming your outer child; overcoming self sabotage and healing from abandonment”. She is a psychotherapist with more than 30 years of clinical experience and research work with victims of trauma, abandonment, grief and loss and a host of other stuff. I have her other book coming “The journey from abandonment to healing” as well. She is based in Manhattan. I love Manhattan. I’ve walked the entire length of Manhattan, what an amazing melting pot of experiences……I digress.

I have been fighting many years of depression, and rotten experiences and circumstances. I found after hitting bottom this time I was the root cause of my problems because I have allowed myself to be led by my circumstances. No amount of psychotherapy by someone else will help if I don’t try to help myself and work from within. To wait for others to fix me I may as well get back on the antidepressants and wander around like a zombie for the rest of my life and stay mediocre and accept everything everyone else throws at me and don’t bother ducking for cover. Just give up. I can’t do that, I won’t.

I want to get to a place I know I can. Break down whatever barriers to entry there are and for fuck sake DO and LIVE and do it and live it well. There’s a girl, there is a fight in the belly again…now to keep it up..keep going forward. Thank god I have a psych appointment tomorrow haha….:)

And on a lighter note….it really is a man’s world take the panty shield!

I so want a Martini right now, no not to become comfortably numb again although the added bonus of that is undeniable.

The afternoon got better when I watched a documentary on TV about Susan Sontag, yet another well known American writer amongst other things (filmmaker, teacher, political activist) who lived an incredible life, her way, I will not go into detail here those who are interested can find an immense amount of information on the web and in her prolific works.

Needless to say I feel incredibly inspired when I hear the story of people like herself these wonderful creative people who are more often than not incredibly flawed yet live amazing lives. Makes me feel there is hope, in a strange way.

One of her friends described her as a person who was interested in everything and when they said that I felt my god, that is exactly how I feel, all my life I have found so many things I love to read, learn and want to know more about, do, its as if at times there is not enough time to do, learn and experience it all because of the life we are required to live, its another source of frustration for me!. I have always felt that the notion of someone being interested in everything would seem quite bizarre or crazy to others.

I have often said to close friends in conversation that at times I have avoided the company of certain people because I already know what the conversation will be and I once again will find myself bored to tears talking about the colour of the brick chosen for the home extension or Mrs Brown’s sick cat (no offence to Mrs Brown or the sick cat), or the new car the person has just bought which has an extra air bag..by god I don’t give a shit about airbags when there is so much else to discuss and yet as I write this I think about the sometimes content of my blog and say arrggghh to myself because at times I seem to be talking about Mrs Brown’s sick cat who was hit by the airbag myself oh the irony!

This evening as ideas were running through my head I felt incredible annoyance at men in particular because as I reached for a sanitary pad, YES, I AM REALLY GOING THERE…I realised that they had shaved even more centremetres off the middle of the pad which is so incredibly crazy because to me the middle is the most important part becuase it sits where what we are trying to contain is most likely to fall and I realised that when they do this there is probably no consultation at all with women in this process even if we are the ones that are the purchaser of such products yet another classic example of it being still very much a man’s world. And as you know right now I am certainly not a fan of certain men and in particular one especially.

I realise this probably appears to be quite random and inane banter right now, its a diversionary tactic as I really don’t want to think about the things I have been focusing heavily upon lately and end up in that sad dark place again and on that note I think a Martini is now in order and perhaps some music and may be even a chat via the net with friends.

No visit to the dark side tonight.