What a surprising few days it has been. Surprising and satisfying.
It’s amazing what happens when you accept and remain in a place of good thoughts, love and good energy. So much was hitting me at once I was feeling quite overwhelmed and then I remembered that I hadn’t done the work on myself since the yank 1 debacle and getting off years of antidepressants just to buckle under the rubbish.
So I gave it up to the universe. “I give it all up to you universe with love and complete faith and trust in you and I am very grateful for all my many blessings and abundance”.
And I did. I let the worry, the wank and the bullshit go.
My son got his botox injections, his father did pay for them and I was so grateful. He is still struggling, it takes a while for them to work and unfortunately the degeneration has progressed quite forward so there is no telling what the result will be but at least there is the promise of his writhing and jerking and some of the pain to slow down making things less exhausting for him. We have been in touch much more often and that has been a huge blessing. And I took my youngest son to lunch yesterday and bought him some much needed groceries, things that a student at University living independently can’t quite afford and that made me feel good, that he allowed me to do that. He usually gets really worried and says mum you cant afford to do this but I was able to say ‘I just got a job’ and I think that helped!
Yes, I got a job. A permanent job, in this terrible jobs market and economy. I had decided that I really did not want to go back into the stressful ridiculous work I have been doing for years and started to target work in my first career incarnation not long after I got out of School. Travel. I hadn’t worked in the industry for over 25 years and it seemed that even though I had a very good and long background in it (when I left many years ago I was second in charge of an office and a Senior) many were not willing to give me a chance. But I persisted. And I also accepted that I would only earn barely above minimum wage (there is an opportunity for bonuses plus other benefits and a chance to move up quickly) but I know the work is enjoyable and less stressful and that suited me just fine and it is a foot in the door of the industry again. So Friday, a day after my interview I was offered the job. Another blessing.
This will allow me to get an apartment closer to the city, so less isolated and much closer to my sons (my priority as I don’t know how much time I have left with my son) and also friends, who I couldn’t catch up with regularly because transport is merde out here in the sticks!
And Friday night I went out to dinner with ‘the good one’. He took me to dinner and we had a great time, discussed what was going on with us openly and honestly…which at the moment doesn’t need to be defined and I am OK with that because there is so much else going on and also I like having him in my life even if it doesn’t become ‘forever after’. And then we had a fabulous night of wine and music video and ohhhh boyyyy, always off the charts. He made me a lovely breakfast in the morning, it was all up a lovely time. And I was grateful that we are as we are with each other; no pressures no expectations, just friendship, a good friendship where anything can be talked about without fear or worry and just being.
I have let many expectations go realising that to continually push against the tide is futile and a waste of precious energy. I have come to accept that things will be as they are meant to be no matter how much you fight it but if you just let go and ‘go with the flow’ (I kinda hate cliche’s but…) the stress and worry just goes and a sense of peace emerges. I have been searching for that. Peace. Inner peace. It is a wonderful feeling.
For now I am happy to go with it. I want to enjoy the adventures to come but more so I want to enjoy this contentment and acceptance.
“his’ daughter, the “him” in life beyond him” is about to turn 13 August 2 if I remember correctly. At the time he was so love hazed he wanted me to be at his side for the party he was throwing her ‘in the middle of it he wrote me ” things feel bare without you here, I need my hostess by my side”. It’s been 2 years. It took me that long to really let all of that go. I had even written to him when I was in Sydney because right next to me was a building with the name of the company he works for in big bold writing and every time I went to work I would see it and it made me think of him, stupidly, even though at that time I was talking to yank 2. Of course he did not write back. I guess I just had to feel what I was feeling and move through it over time. It was the most difficult thing to emerge from. I really loved him. But I have emerged and for that I am grateful.
Life goes on…thankfully….Love and whitelight xxx