This is the split second..

I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non seems right and if you have toyed with the just may is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE the memory in time…

I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.

Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the has taken some of the impetus out of things.

Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.

So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything

But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.

It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.

Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs an extent.

But it is becoming exhausting right now…

More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx


Acceptance, love and good energy

What a surprising few days it has been. Surprising and satisfying.

It’s amazing what happens when you accept and remain in a place of good thoughts, love and good energy. So much was hitting me at once I was feeling quite overwhelmed and then I remembered that I hadn’t done the work on myself since the yank 1 debacle and getting off years of antidepressants just to buckle under the rubbish.

So I gave it up to the universe. “I give it all up to you universe with love and complete faith and trust in you and I am very grateful for all my many blessings and abundance”.

And I did. I let the worry, the wank and the bullshit go.

My son got his botox injections, his father did pay for them and I was so grateful. He is still struggling, it takes a while for them to work and unfortunately the degeneration has progressed quite forward so there is no telling what the result will be but at least there is the promise of his writhing and jerking and some of the pain to slow down making things less exhausting for him. We have been in touch much more often and that has been a huge blessing. And I took my youngest son to lunch yesterday and bought him some much needed groceries, things that a student at University living independently can’t quite afford and that made me feel good, that he allowed me to do that. He usually gets really worried and says mum you cant afford to do this but I was able to say ‘I just got a job’ and I think that helped!

Yes, I got a job. A permanent job, in this terrible jobs market and economy. I had decided that I really did not want to go back into the stressful ridiculous work I have been doing for years and started to target work in my first career incarnation not long after I got out of School. Travel. I hadn’t worked in the industry for over 25 years and it seemed that even though I had a very good and long background in it (when I left many years ago I was second in charge of an office and a Senior) many were not willing to give me a chance. But I persisted. And I also accepted that I would only earn barely above minimum wage (there is an opportunity for bonuses plus other benefits and a chance to move up quickly) but I know the work is enjoyable and less stressful and that suited me just fine and it is a foot in the door of the industry again. So Friday, a day after my interview I was offered the job. Another blessing.

This will allow me to get an apartment closer to the city, so less isolated and much closer to my sons (my priority as I don’t know how much time I have left with my son) and also friends, who I couldn’t catch up with regularly because transport is merde out here in the sticks!

And Friday night I went out to dinner with ‘the good one’. He took me to dinner and we had a great time, discussed what was going on with us openly and honestly…which at the moment doesn’t need to be defined and I am OK with that because there is so much else going on and also I like having him in my life even if it doesn’t become ‘forever after’. And then we had a fabulous night of wine and music video and ohhhh boyyyy, always off the charts. He made me a lovely breakfast in the morning, it was all up a lovely time. And I was grateful that we are as we are with each other; no pressures no expectations, just friendship, a good friendship where anything can be talked about without fear or worry and just being.

I have let many expectations go realising that to continually push against the tide is futile and a waste of precious energy. I have come to accept that things will be as they are meant to be no matter how much you fight it but if you just let go and ‘go with the flow’ (I kinda hate cliche’s but…) the stress and worry just goes and a sense of peace emerges. I have been searching for that. Peace. Inner peace. It is a wonderful feeling.

For now I am happy to go with it. I want to enjoy the adventures to come but more so I want to enjoy this contentment and acceptance.

“his’ daughter, the “him” in life beyond him” is about to turn 13 August 2 if I remember correctly. At the time he was so love hazed he wanted me to be at his side for the party he was throwing her ‘in the middle of it he wrote me ” things feel bare without you here, I need my hostess by my side”. It’s been 2 years. It took me that long to really let all of that go. I had even written to him when I was in Sydney because right next to me was a building with the name of the company he works for in big bold writing and every time I went to work I would see it and it made me think of him, stupidly, even though at that time I was talking to yank 2. Of course he did not write back. I guess I just had to feel what I was feeling and move through it over time. It was the most difficult thing to emerge from. I really loved him. But I have emerged and for that I am grateful.

Life goes on…thankfully….Love and whitelight xxx

Not doing that dance again!

There comes a time when you finally realise that the only person to blame when it comes to dud relationships is yourself. I have bemoaned for years why nearly every relationship I have had has fallen way short of the mark. Today, a line was finally drawn in the sand. And I ain’t doing this dance again.

Nearly 4 days ago I caught up with ‘the good one’. The hot water system where I live was on the blink and was going to take time to fix so I booked myself into a  nice City hotel for a couple of nights to spoil myself. Courtesy of the ‘go see Yank 2 in Chicago fund’. I had finally felt over yank 2 and it was nice being in touch regularly with ‘the good one’, kind of a good distraction from other things and I always had a soft spot for him. And the sex was always off the charts with him!

He met me downstairs in the hotel lobby, as I walked out of the elevator he was sitting looking very handsome and directly at me as I walked out. We both smiled real smiles of joy and warmth it felt like. He still was able to make my heart skip a beat, seeing him in person again after many months. We had been talking to each other again even before the yank and I broke up but just as the good friends we were.

We hugged and did the European kiss on both sides of the face and then walked arm in arm out towards the place we were going to for dinner. Our conversation was happy and non stop, it felt like we had so much to tell each other. Over a lovely dinner we did, tell each other what had been going on; both ending relationships recently (well I could say mine really wasn’t as such being so long distance with only Skype date nights twice  week, and then just emails and phone calls, mainly instigated by me of course. Well, not the Skype dates, he really loved those and always insisted we keep it up no matter what).

Inevitably, we ended up back at my hotel room and had a marvelous number of hours together. It felt so natural, as if we had only been together yesterday. Being a Thursday night, a day earlier than planned he had to go to work the next morning and it was so strange waking up without him laying next to me which is what we usually always did when spending the night together. We texted a number of times the next day. We also talked about seeing each other over the weekend, he told me he had these music videos he had just bought he knew I’d like..we share a mutual love of good music, same types and often had great nights in at his house listening to great music.

Being winter many around us have been ill with colds and flu. I myself have been very nasally after coming back from Sydney and all the dirty polluted air I inhaled regularly. I had made a comment on one of my texts after he said what an awesome night we had and how good it was to see each other again said that it was strange waking up without him next to me that morning. We have always been open and honest with each other and spoken frankly. It was then after some of the answers back I realised he was in retreat again. And the comment about not being sure I was his forever after, and not wanting to hurt me came and it was then I snapped out of it PRONTO. “You idiot, you did it again”; that is me I am talking to.

I had forgotten that at one stage this guy and I had been quite full on and that over time he started to retreat and then made a similar comment about the forever after (which he also used to describe the woman he just broke up with). Yes, we continued a friendship, even without the sex ever since that time but ultimately I realised my Achilles heel with this guy…realistically, I should have ran for the hills no matter if he was wearing his nice guy disguise.

Well, today I have. A moment ago, 3 days after we last spoke to each other I get a text asking how I am, and how sorry he was he didn’t communicate in the  last few days as he has been sick with a cold/flu. Awwww, poor baby, I guess your fingers were all blocked up as well as your damned nose.

Ahhh, I guess I am sounding like a typical woman at this stage but in all honesty I can laugh at myself. I guess I finally realised that I no longer wish to do this dance. Accept a man who only sees me as an option.

I deserve much better than that. And I am happy being single and free without the exasperating wank and bullshit that seems to be going on out there these days.

I will miss our conversations. And in some weird way he was right, we did have a good connect to be able to talk to each other about everything. He was often message me to see how life was going. Talk me through my next adventures on the dating scene and other things. He is good compared to many others, but not good enough for me.

So I have not yet returned his text. And I have no intention of returning it. I don;t want to be mean spirited or game playing like many are. I have simply had enough. Self respect and preservation. Another lesson learned. Life goes on.

Love and whitelight xxx

Don’t settle…life’s too short

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle……

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs (Excerpts from his Stanford Commencement address 2005)

I have always loved that speech. From a man who managed to change the world in his own way and reminds me when I feel that ball of anxiety in my stomach about what I want to and am going to do going forward that trusting in your gut, your instinct; yourself does make a huge difference.

The most recent changes that have affected me, yet not in the way it used to, I now know were meant to occur. Accepting it has made it so much easier to rise above the pain and mental struggle that used to be part of my robotic response to all my failures or what I perceived to be failures in my life; learnt from years of bad and painful experiences.

Our perceived failures are actually gifts. Gifts of learning. But instead of thinking of them as just one more reason why your life is shit when you embrace that shit; and lets face it life is full of it! Then you realise that shit can also be a very good fertilizer which helps the seeds grow and emerge from the soil to become something much more worthwhile and substantial.

Another of my favourite speeches is by the author J K Rowling in a Harvard Commencement speech;

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure. But the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. Failure means a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself to be anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena where I believe I truly belonged. Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life.

This last couple of years, (I just realised it is coming up to 2 years since I first reconnected with Joe and the subsequent merde that followed) have brought me to a place I hadn’t been before and might not have found if it hadn’t occurred. Back to myself. I have for years been going through the motions of living disconnected from myself because I believed that separating myself from what I saw as the flawed me meant that I would fit into what was required of me set down by societal expectations and ‘the norm’. But that only made me profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied.

These latest setbacks came about for very good reasons. I am starting to appreciate them. I am asking questions of myself I should have a long time ago. But I am also forming a much stronger opinion about what I want and in particular what I don’t in my life.

Today would have been my flight day. I was booked to fly to Chicago departing today to see a man I thought I knew but realistically how could I and it more than likely would have ended in not only heartbreak but even more disappointment in my life. Another bad choice. I realised that all the things he had accused me of in some of his open criticisms of me and how I live my life were just a reflection of his own incapacity and disappointments. And that is OK. Or I would have perhaps ended up ‘settling’ for something unspectacular because I believed it was the best I could get at my age and in my current circumstances. He once told me my ‘I always land on my feet’ statement was something that was foolhardly and that had an expiration date.Well I’m sorry fellow fool, the difference between you and I is that I truly know and have the faith in myself that it is the truth. The only thing that holds anyone back is other peoples opinions and boundaries if you believe in them.

I, no longer do. Respect others right to an opinion but do not live your life by any other rules but your own.

On a lighter note another strange occurrence happened in this last week or so. “the good one” and his lady broke up. Out of the blue he text me on the weekend to tell me that he too was ‘not having much luck’ in the relationship realm. We are seeing each other this Friday night.

I don’t know, as the Dalai Lama says “sometimes not getting what you want can be a marvelous stroke of luck”….could be true…

Love and whitelight xx


To medicate or not to medicate?

Like the sands through the hour glass….I sit this morning and hear the clock ticking in the hall. I sit on my bed laptop on lap…reading, contemplating. I was enjoying the peace until some twat burned down the road in his …yes…a Holden Commodore…souped up..and disturbed my inner peace which lately has been hanging by a thread anyway…and my eardrums. It is only 0930am and this idiot and his phallic rev has managed to annoy me.

I am annoyed alot lately, annoyed alot and I cry alot.

Only the other day I was at the Doctor, finally back at my regular Doctor whom I quite respected, because I could finally afford her. After a half hour visit about a few health issues and an $145 bill I came out of there with the obligatory 3 prescriptions of which only one I filled and I still have not taken the meds yet.

She has decided that since she could not cajole me into taking antidepressants again the only option for my physical and mental state was to take Hormone replacement therapy and she also threw in a script for a sedative and then an antibiotic for a lung issue I thought had cleared but apparently hasn’t after 2 lots of antibiotic anyway. I filled the antibiotic but I haven’t taken it. And there is no way I will fill the script for sedative and HRT until I am really sure it is a road I need to go down. I want to know the side effects; there is always a risk/reward ratio and if there simply is no other way to deal with everything that has been battering my troubled mind lately.

Exercise worked exceptionally well up until recently when I have not been able to get to the gym because of work…long hours and long commute which seems at present to make it impossible to get there and I am very annoyed at that because I know it would help some. I am going to go today a bit later.

I already tried to resign from my new job twice last week. 5 weeks in and the stress was mounting, the ridiculous hours; unpaid, underpaid and overlooked. Rude and unreasonable clientele and I did not want to be back in a bad situation again…after everything life is too short to be a battery hen. But they have managed to talk me out of it for now; god knows why and I will persist a while longer because at this point the alternative…no work is also untenable..but it is a horrible feeling waking up with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing what the day has in store for you and not wanting to go there but having to.

I was ready, prepared to fire on all cylinders so I thought. But issues like my ailing degenerative son and other things that I have mentioned before compounded by a job that is relentless have pushed me about as far I can go at this point. But I am sick of feeling this way and this weekend I have tried to do things that are enjoyable and relaxing, extra sleep because at present I do not sleep well and staying connected with people who are decent, and compassionate and I can talk to.

My yank; mark 2 has been a godsend. We are still just having friendly conversations but it is daily now. And they are fun and without pressure or expectation and light. We seem to have alot of common ground. He is cultured, witty, intelligent and appears to be quite sane as opposed to version 1!

He was telling me that he is going to an Oscar’s party Sunday night in Chicago..he hangs out with the bohemian arty types as he is also very creative and has been involved in some interesting projects and things and I envied that in wonderful places like Chicago, and the the states you can do those things; the people, the venues, the events the options….ah yes, options…

Perth is limited that way. As much as this is a beautiful city and things are improving it still has a hell of a way to go. Cue crickets  and prickly bushes….and nothing…

It is not surprising that many who live here and are able to high tail it out of the country at every chance they get! Many Perthites go to Bali, it is cheap, cheaper than here and many feel at home there. It is enough of a cultural experience for the uncultured…

I am perhaps exaggerating a tad but I have never felt the spirit in this city as I have many others like Sydney and particularly in the states. But I don’t think may places can beat our beaches, that I will say.

Every time I think about my options at present I drift away to the things I want to do knowing that it is impossible right now. I may take a trip to the states later this year as I have discussed with my friend. And also one of my dear friends is leaving Perth for good soon and moving with her husband to Seattle in the US and I so envy her and I am going to miss her. So I will kill 2 birds on that visit and it at least gives me a little something to look forward to.

But in the meantime…the mire…to medicate or not to medicate…I fought so hard to do without and have done so for over 18 months now. I really do not want to go there…even HRT. But I really wish someone could give me some good reliable advice on it…

Ultimately…I guess I will go with my gut. That thing I did not trust for so long but more recently started to pay attention to…we’ll see

Love and whitelight xxx

Blah, that all there is?

It’s Sunday morning. A dear friend woke me from my strange dream and sleep in with a phone call and whilst I love her to death and she knows I am there for her no matter what, this morning my mind was not ready for the first world problems I heard. But they are hers and they are very valid to her, and as a friend I understand that. So I listened and responded as she asked my apparently valuable opinion. Bless her, she trusts my judgement!

The last few days I have felt a bit blah again. Friday night after a long week at work (don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to have work and be back in the real world again!) I met up with another dear friend who flew in from Sydney for the weekend and we toasted each other and the weekend off with 2 bottles of very good expensive champagne at a rooftop city bar full of PYT’s (pretty young things) and young cockerels all parrying and thrusting. It was interesting to watch although I was fairly engrossed in conversation with my friend. We always have a great time together. I sometimes feel like I no longer fit in in some of these venues. Where are the people in my age range? They are there I guess  but not as many as the young things.

I wonder if it is just that I am single at this age (50 this year in May) and should be embracing this wonderful freedom I have to do what I want when I want (aside from what is going on with my son of course) and then I realise that most of my friends are scattered far and wide and the ones here in Perth, alot of them are partnered or married and here I am still wondering when the ‘right one’ will make his entrance. I am so ready for it. There was a time it did not bother me at all until I met “the yank” and even though that was a complete and painful debacle it brought me to place I hadn’t quite been before. Ready for a REAL commitment. Sadly I know I wasn’t there when I walked down the aisle with my ex husband many years ago. A few of my friends said they knew it, but I being hormonal and pregnant at the time could not see the forest for the trees.

I called off the ‘friendship’ with benefits with “the good one” Monday morning in a completely honest text. I question my timing on it because I had to really push myself through the day at work and hold back the lump in my throat and the profound disappointment I felt at losing not only access to an awesome penis when needs be but what was becoming a pretty good and caring friendship. He really did make the effort to listen and we really did enjoy each others company. But that was the problem. It made me want more, and he just wasn’t in the same place. We had discussed it before and I thought that I could do it but I found after thinking long and hard about it over that weekend after our last time together, I just could not without it tearing my soul apart.

He was sad about the loss too but accepted it, apologised and said he knew what I was feeling because he had been there a little while ago and it was difficult and he knew I didn’t need anymore pain. I told him it wasn’t his fault, it just was what it was.

But I have to say, it kept coming back to me during the week the sadness, the memories, the loss and it was hard it was almost palpable. Thank goodness my work was so flat out that I did not really have time to think about it during work hours. And I am determined to kick some goals on the work front now, its my time so I buried that feeling until after hours.

Today, and at times this weekend, I have thought about the yank and that whole crazy mess that put me into another depression yet also forced me to deal with so many things I needed to from childhood on. Things that were buried deep. It also forced me to really accept what was going on with my son (when I say accept, it is not really acceptance, you never really accept that your child is going to die but you learn how to deal with it, kinda..) I was determined this time and am still thankful I did the work and felt the raw pain. Cause no matter how slightly off I feel right now I know it will never be a ‘depression’ again because of that dealing. Sadness and disappointment is a natural part of life, the Yang to the Yin or vice versa and everyone has it, in different measures. But sometimes, maybe selfishly I wish for a reprieve. For things to just go right for a reasonable length of time and to not have to worry and feel sad.

Yesterday I sat and thought “is that all there is?” and I wondered why I couldn’t feel satisfied with my life right now. I guess I am just acquiescing to what I feel are my problems, just like my friend did this morning. She did ask me after her rant, which really wasn’t a rant if there was anything she could do for me, if I needed to talk. But I said thanks anyway. I know I will get over this…feeling. To feel is human, it means you are alive. And for that I should be grateful.

Love and whitelight xx



Fruitloop central….It’s a jungle out there…madness..sheer madness

Right now is yet again not an ideal time to write this blog but I am going to because besides needing to distract myself for so many reasons; because life is a bit challenging at present as my previous posts have described and I still have moments when I feel like I should be in a straight jacket and heavily dosed!! (And I have not yet reached the ability to do the saintly thing and volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other wonderful act of humanity that I always feel guilty about not doing but I simply can’t just yet. Paid work would help immensely but there is still nothing….and having a wonderful day with my son yesterday yet seeing him struggle in front of me to eat and swallow is somewhat affecting me psychologically too…but I am trying to hang in there and keep it together).

It’s about keeping good thoughts rather than allowing the negative to takes diligence and practice.

Yesterday, for some hours I felt at peace, with my beautiful boy and being able to hold him and love seems like the only time lately that I feel totally at peace….like being wrapped in a wonderfully warm soft  blanket in the middle of winter.

When he is gone, then it is me, just me and all the things I must deal with and most of the time I feel strong enough now but I must admit that after he left I cried…for a long time knowing the inevitable….

So in my crazy, madness I went back online and reactivated my dating membership and immediately got a nice message from someone who contacted me prior to my short weeks of dating the man who just nicely broke it off….

Or so I thought it was nicely. I had the trail of our initial contact in my inbox and it showed that he had already reactivated prior to me (yes that bloody wonderful feature of time and date stamp that some dating sites have…ugghh).

Fair enough, I thought, he did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t think I was the one, long term and as I  had asked let me down before it was too late…got to appreciate that! Don’t you?!

This morning I went back on to answer a message that had been sent and I see he has deactivated his profile again, which was something he did when he first started dating me and of course my immediate reaction was one of sting…jesus..he’s moved on already and found someone just like he did with me a few weeks back….the guys a fast mover…

Or is he? had he already had in mind that he would get what he wanted out of us and keep the ‘date’ he supposedly cancelled when he started dating me in reach and now he was seeing her…maybe he a serial dater the one that uses this dating tactic to create a social life and an constant stream of ‘physical intimacy’ on tap so to speak?

Or am I just a freakish cynical biatch because I have been hurt recently, so my trust is at an all time low.

My wonderful narcissist once drawled at me “man, you think too much”. !

I do believe that was probably one of the most truthful things he ever said to me. I do think, I think about things from various perspectives, I think alot. But I do have alot to think about.

So…the marvelous world of dating in your almost 50’s (I am still 49, so I am not claiming 50 just yet!). And the dating landscape to boot!


In previous posts I have mentioned the different types I have come across; cougar hunters, commitment phobes, men who say they have sorted their shit and believe me they haven’t (but who am I to judge?!), narcs, weaklings or ‘big girls blouses’ …..ISH…

The old way of dating or finding a mate just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…it just seems so bloody hard now…

But I believe in love…still…I believe that as much as it is wonderful to find yourself and be comfortable being on your own and in your company, being independent and free. Deep down, I still believe there is a beautiful love out there for everyone. A person to share your life journey with, your experiences and ultimately your twilight years….

No matter what is going on around me…I still believe and I won’t give up the dream….right now I am smiling to myself thinking how crazy I am…but thinking this way just means you are not giving up on one of the best things in life…


Love and white light xxx