Unbridled truth…

Credit – You Tube Yellowbeard..Brilliant!

Tonight I offloaded a tad on Facebook. But it was only the tip of the iceberg. And in my most wondrous state I felt it only right that I enunciate my complete fucked offness with absolutely everything. Yes, could be construed as negative but sometimes speaking your mind is very cathartic. And sometimes, it just needs to be said.

After watching the debacle..I mean the debate with Chump I mean Trump and Hillary and wondering how one of the worlds most influential and powerful countries could allow an idiot like Trump to get as far as he has…or even be considered in the race I was gobsmacked.

I then decided I needed to get out of the house and my little self created asylum so I went to the casino…ohhh dear..

I was marched out of the Casino (Crown Perth) tonight (apparently I had imbibed a tad too much! No more than usual in my estimation but a young 20 something (!) seemed to know better and thought that my wonderful exuberance was far too much for that little black duck). Oh yeee of little personality. I can;t help that I am slightly theatrical, musical by nature…

Why was I there you ask? Yes, true I rarely go out these days lately. But, unfortunately in this one horse town a person of my age has really nowhere else to go, particularly when you dont have friends, as such (years of living elsewhere and also having an unwell child that although people would say “oh dear that’s no good” no one really gave a flying fig or bothered to ask you to join them or came to see you. Or maybe I was just too darned exuberant for their liking!!), really here in this town if you dont have much to offer you are persona non grata; you need to drive this car, live in this area, work in an acceptable job/career, earn a reasonable amount of money or be perceived to. hang out with the right people etc etc. Or else you hang around with the feral element who take drugs and drink copiously and crack you in the face without reason (tried that, doesn’t work for me somehow!). There is no in between.

Basically, I was worthy of attention tonight…Quel excitement!. Now this is not someone who dresses dowdily or looks completely like the locals do. I dress with certain pride and even if I say so myself look quite spiffy most of the time (I do wear Armani jeans par example or Ralph Lauren or many other wonderful labels albeit casual because in this shithole of a town there is nothing to dress up for and most of the locals would not recognise Armani if it hit them in the face!)!! And being quite practiced at inebriation lately it takes a hell of a lot for me to do as Yellowbeard does ie: https://youtu.be/iAbou95lCd4…ie Stagger, stagger, crawl crawl..stagger…crawl…ooops

And I didn’t..stagger etc. As I said. I quite hold my equilibrium well.

But I have to say, I found it hard today, yet again to reconcile why the bloody hell I am still living in this bastard of a place of no work, no personality or soul, unjustifiably high cost of living, stupendous lack of decent transport system and general ferality and classlessness. This is the one of most isolated cities in the world, very beautiful coast and pretty city, but no soul, no vibe, no….rhythm or prospects.

And then I had to to pull myself up by the bootstraps and say; you are here for your sons, even though early 20’s now, my eldest is very unwell and I can’t in all good faith leave him. So I stay in purgatory.

I had a great chat with Yank 2 earlier this week, another marathon and wonderful laughs and cerebral chat about the cosmos, life and everything in between. God I could imagine us being two oldies on the porch asking about the hole in the bucket dear Henry dear Henry..

But what I have been fighting is this constant thing in my head the last few days. That…man..the italian, the not so good one, for some reason keeps popping into my head at times and I keep saying NO..every time his name pops into my head but it keeps appearing here and there and even though I am completely fecked off with him and really cant see the point I cant seem to stop the ruminating about him. Sometimes, I think about the good times we had..what little there was but it was good and wonder how we got to where we got to..angry and hating each other. And. The end. Full stop.

Why does our brain make a mockery of the truth and only bring up mostly the good things over time and force us to ignore the bad…when there were feelings involved with a person.

Its not as bad as Narcissistic Yank 1, Joe or ‘him’ in the life beyond him, and that took me nearly 2 years to get over. But I am coming to realise I did ‘feel’ something for him. I guess that will fade in time, I thought it had but for dome darned reason this week…I guess..like Joe..time will help it to properly fade into nothing.

I am completely fascinated with the mind, the brain, our thought processes. And love and relationships. Right when you think you have wisdom and experience something happens and you realise you really know nothing at all.

I know I did not look at anyone this afternoon whilst out and that is not like me, I at least look. My roving eye is cured for now. I dont have the energy for it.

Maybe as Yank 2 said to me once “if you can find yourself an island of content, not one permanently cut off from others, we need others, but have that island at least, there is peace in that”. God I love his poetic soul! And he is right.

Now coming out of the black I need to find that island. Need to do things that feed my soul.

Right now I need to sleep…its 12.30am… later

Love and whitelight xxx

Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

Gutless and the not so good one

Now I know what I would look like with a good dose of lip fillers. Won’t be doing that, its not a good look.  I am finding it hard to believe what unfolded last night and today I am contemplating whether or not to stay in this one horse town where I have had nothing but sadness and pain. Leaving my sons especially my eldest is just unbearable knowing this disease has progressed as it has but my life is a mess and seems hopeless right now.

A very gutless male hit me in the face last night, and my lips are swollen and part of my face. I knew I should not have responded to his constant badgering me to catch up and ‘party’ but by late yesterday and feeling sad about what transpired with ‘formerly known as the good one’ during the week and feeling lonely I caved in and went. Stupid move.

His son was being pummeled by a so called ‘mate’ in the front yard (yes grown ups apparently) and I intervened to try stop it, someone called the police in the meantime and then when I went back inside after they had arrived drunk Chevvy guy walked up and cracked me in the face for no reason. Only thing I can think of is that he did not want me talking to the police. The police saw my fat lip and face asked me if I wanted to press charges but I was too much in shock and so they continued on and eventually took me home in the back of a paddy van, treating me like a common criminal. It all unfolded so fast I am still trying to work out why that gutless bastard hit me. But hit me he did, I just wish I had the good sense to punch him back, I would usually irrespective of him being 6’2 ft tall and a bikie looking character. Not advisable I know but I have never not fought back in my life…last night I didn’t.

Then after texting ‘the good one’ (formerly) he called me back and I explained what happened and he seemed to just get angrier and angrier but not at the man that hit me, no sir re bob he was angry at me; for going out with another man, talking to the yank (2) again and so much more that my head spun but ultimately the lack of compassion and care was blinding and I finally realised that he too may be a form of narcissist and that he never really gave a damn in the true sense of the word. I was just there for when he felt like it it seemed.

During the week I had discovered that I had not properly removed the block on my phone of his number from the previous week and his texts had not been coming through. I had thought he had simply decided it was over and until I had discovered the texts I was fine with that. But I saw in his responses that he was somehow strangely more involved than he let on, he seemed to be very perturbed that I was seeing other people (even though we had called time and he had pretty much made no effort to see me recently) and particularly not happy that I had reconnected with Yank 2 and was skyping him regularly again as friends. He did not seem to believe we were just friends and was very annoyed that I had any male ‘friends’ at all. Pretty much told me women should confide in their women friends only which is what I do from time to time but I have male friends too and he told me ‘he was not comfortable with that’. Things were always on his terms.

It was a weird kind of time with him. The hot and cold, the not wanting to commit yet not being happy that I see other people and always finding fault with something. But last night was the final straw, he was so angry, we both swore at each other although he said I swore at him only and he hung up on me and basically told me to never call again. Seriously, there was shades of Joe’s moves in that man. I wonder if it is an italian male thing. But I realised finally that I could not be with a man who didn’t have the care or strength to be a man in all the proper ways and for him to turn what happened to me around when I felt most vulnerable and use it as a cowards way to disconnect…unforgivable and sad. I dont think I ever really knew him at all.

Two down. Never again.

So here I sit nursing my wounded face and pride. Tired, beaten in so many ways. I can’t skype my friend in Chicago tomorrow I dont want him to see my face like this although I know I would get more support from him than I ever had from the italian.

I can’t seem to pick good men as far as the relationship kind goes, I don’t seem to be able to read them properly. Are there any real good ones out there? The upside in all this is that I have no feelings left whatsoever for Yank 1/Joe. He haunted me for a long time. But no more.

I am not sure what to do now with anything. I fought to not spiral into a bad depression this last month or so, not in the best way (anaesthetising myself). A lot of the factors that lead to me feeling down again have not gone away. It has been relentless. Right now I can’t find the strength to move on and make some decisions it all seems like groundhog day and I am very tired of it all.

Universe, I have had enough, I need your help…..please

The Fat lady is singing…

How can it be 4 seasons in one day? Oh believe me, in my world it is entirely possible. I feel a tad like Carrie Bradshaw, no not intentionally for attention grab but because I am finally starting to get certain answers to the mystery of love and relationships after so long (although if you think you have all the answers…ohhh lorrd…). She would write about the idiosyncrasies of sex and relationships in New York and just in general.

At this moment I am absolutely shatfaced (British expression for ‘off my face’) and should not be writing. But the binge and purge continues. Things just aren’t right at present on many levels and yet there are still some surprisingly good.

The yank (2 in Chicago, on skype to me today for hours as we have over weeks now again) inspired me when he said in a pondering stare into the abyss and after I observed “my darling you seem very pondering right now?!” Lol. He said “I am thinking about giving it all up and writing”. That was unexpected because even though he is much more creative and extremely intelligent than I and I also want to just drop out and write, he is still very attached to the ethos..honest earning..on the treadmill.

‘Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself’

‘A non writing writer is a monster courting insanity’

-Franz Kafka

I said “is everything alright?” meaning can I take your temperature? ha

He was more inebriated than me (with the time difference it was the early hours of the morning in Chicago for him but he works night/am shifts so it works and keeps the schedule on his days off) and had been out in the wonderful Chicago energy. I have been there, I know.  We have the most tremendous ‘thinking’ conversations. The connect is palpable. But he seemed serious, and we discussed it and other questions of the cosmos…

He has been there, over this tough time. Could have ran again but he didn’t. I appreciate the friendship, but its more than that. And he came back.

And then there is the Yank 3, whom I have spoken with every day since we reconnected. He is funny, and interesting and as we started to reconnect I realised that there was a nice energy between us. At a strange time he has been there too. And he came back. I am glad. He has managed to take my mind away from…all of it..mostly.

And the Chevy guy from past. We spent a bit of time together in the last fortnight, as friends but just partying and getting over our issues. He nearly lost his business recently in this ridiculous melee that is our economy here in Perth. He messages regularly, and again tonight when I apologised that last night I didn’t respond because I had seriously cried myself to sleep

Not about the good one..the Italian’, there are things worse at the moment although having feelings for him he has been exhausting and emotionally draining (because he is hot, cold and often far self interested) Chevy guy as said “I did too funnily enough” Cry and fall asleep last night (this guy is 6’2 and looks like a bikie!!) although he is actually a sensitive soul.

But the “Good one” has haunted me on and off this last week or so and I still don’t understand why considering, he re engaged and then disengaged again. That seemingly endless cycle and I felt our connect had finally seemed to dissipate but it was hard and sad because he was tangible. He was here, in this country, and semi present and at times it felt real. But I came to realise that he had never really called over my difficult time to say ‘are you OK?’. How is your son going?’ and times we spent together were always squashed between his time, when it was convenient. Not because he really wanted to see me. Took me a while to accept that.

It is only after you start to wake up and the emotions turn from love to disappointment and reality that you recognise what a profound waste of time it all was.

Much earlier this afternoon I started on Cosmopolitans and progressed thereafter, wines and …..

At this moment I dont give a flying feck who reads this. I know that public is public. And no one should ever assume the extent of one’s troubles.

Part of the descent of my ‘relationship’ with “the good one” was that he started to read my blog. Read, not understand, and respond. “just read your blog, dont call me again”. “you seem to have enough guys to go on with””did you sleep with him?” yada yada.

My response although I didn’t say it, was; you don’t want me but its not OK for me to get on with my life.

I messaged him tonight, no courtesy to respond. It is sad but I accept it.

I know people come into our life for whatever time and reason. I am just unsure why he was ever there…sex? Is that all? Over the time we spent together?. That seems so crass and yet so common.

Finally the fat lady is singing. Its time on a waste of time it seems.

And yet, there is in endings new beginnings….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Blast from the past…taking time out

Life is strange. The twists and turns that make it so unpredictable.

I woke this morning to a ‘ping’ sound, the message notification from FB Messenger. I have to admit I was very surprised by who it was. The beauty of Facebook and other forms of media these days is that people can find you. I guess writing a public blog pretty much puts it out there too! Yikes.

A number of years ago when I was living in Sydney I met an American (Yes, yet another one! Yank 3!!) whom I saw for a little while and it was quite an interesting time to say the least. Ultimately, he had to fly back to the states because his son was still young enough that he needed to be accessible to him and he was still quite attached to a woman he had dated for a long time. I knew that and although I liked him alot, at the end I realised we weren’t going to go anywhere anyway so I let it go.

He did make contact a few times after that but there were a few things that I had to question about him before he left and I felt it was all best left in the past.

This morning I heard from him again. The one thing I have always loved about yank men is that they can be quite damned schmaltzy and romantic. Aussie men are different. I am not going to try explain it because it usually gets the same answer ‘that’s just generalising’ and in a way I guess it is.

His opening line ‘miss you, I’m in Guam, you’re closer now’. Kind of sweet! We had a short chat and he even said ‘I nearly stayed with you in Sydney but my son was still too young and needed me’, well, that was interesting and I am not sure about that comment but it was still kind of sweet.  I know he is in Guam because when I was looking at the stats of my blog, yesterday’s had just one country and it was Guam. He’d obviously found my blog! But with this guy you’d just never know. He gets around. Sydney, Asia, Israel, Colorado, Texas, South Carolina, Wyoming…. I always seem to meet the real ‘characters’ of life. I must admit he did fascinate me. I guess the story may unfold or he may just fade into oblivion again…

Yank 2 and I had a marvelous few hours on Skype again at the beginning of the week. It was so good to talk with him. But I know he and I are only ever going to remain friends and that may fade into the distance as well sadly. But it is good to talk to him, he has a very unique perspective on things and is ultra intelligent. At times the other night I found myself thinking that I never really had a chance with this guy because he would realise eventually what a fraud I am, I, am only average intelligence and would never be able to keep up with him. I have never met anyone like him. I hope we do remain friends. He did lecture me again, about a number of things and about the way I referred to some of the guys I had dated by nationality. We had been talking about what happened with ‘the good one’ who I referred to as the Italian after I dropped TGO! He was quite serious about it and felt it was derogatory. But to me it was just names I had used to refer to these guys in my blog so that they remained anonymous, like characters in a story. No offence intended, I am not wired like that.

And then Sunday night in yet another drunken stupor, yes I had been doing it alot as I needed ‘time out’, things have been very difficult and it has been hard to hold in there. I did see my beautiful eldest son the day before and it was amazing, it was the most ‘at peace’ I had felt for a long time but it was short relatively and when he had to leave it was so tough to wave goodbye. Every time I see him now I pray it wont be the last. But the disease is doing its best….

So, as I said…Sunday in a slight alcoholic haze I decided it was a good idea to talk to ‘the good one’…OK hand up..I am certifiable, I already admitted that! But he was as he always is, willing to chat and it almost seemed as though he may have missed me (in my head maybe!) but we flirted and had a lot of fun. That kind of chemistry is usually there with us that was never really a problem. And it was left in a nice way. We may remain friends and still catch up from time to time, I guess it is open. I had found over the week or so after I closed it off with him that the amount of pain I initially felt faded fairly quickly because my mind and heart had got so used to constant battering not just from him but after Joe in particular and yes some of the same dance with TGO that I finally was able to accept him just as he is. Only a friend. One that I cherish time with, but he is probably not my ‘forever after’ also as he said to me, ironic. It made me realise what I do want in a relationship, and none of these guys have it or can give it. They all have something special and unique, I joked with yank 2 that if I could take bits of all of them and roll that into the one person I would have my perfect man! He laughed at that!

The last couple of days I have been OK. I have been OK with myself. The realisation that that is the single most important thing moving forward. Being OK with me and just me. I think I may have weathered the emotional storm and side stepped what could have been a dive back into depression…now to get my strength back and re enter the real world…

Love and whitelight xx

Jollies and Jamesons..Love, tornado

Something quite unexpected happened yesterday when I saw the yank (2) again after a number of months apart. We chatted easily and laughed alot, both of us off our rocker, I hadn’t realised I had managed to down nearly half of a new bottle of Jamesons over a number of hours though but mainly whilst he and I were skyping. We do that, manage to chat for hours on end, marvelous happy and witty banter.

I wasn’t expecting to feel what I felt. I was in a sad way most of the morning about ‘him..T.G.O’, you know that horrible feeling you have in your heart and your body just feels sick inside. But you have to move through it, feel it, no matter how hard you try to block it out it is better to move through it..yes I have become quite an expert on this I have been there alot over the last few years with Yankees x 2 and the Italian (formerly known as the good one LOL).

I dragged my sorry arse to the local bottle shop yesterday morning and bought my bounty with the express desire to get numb again and continue to do so until I didn’t need to feel it anymore. Not very grown up behaviour for a 50 year old woman but life has been a bit merde lately, that’s my pathetic excuse. Yank 2 had always said to me my redeeming feature was my self awareness, I am certifiable yet very self aware.

Anyway, ironically and even though he himself had been out most of the evening in Chicago drinking and shooting pool, his ritual on his nights off driving. Sunday night (Monday in Australia) pool night at his favorite bar and Monday, well we used to Skype both nights on his nights off. Tuesdays were often for 7 or 8 hours, a bit less if it was a work night for me.

I now marvel at how we managed to do it but it was just like we were sitting in the lounge together spending quality time it was the only way to keep it going without being in the same country and time meant nothing we were always so engrossed. He would even many times end up only going for a couple of hours to catch up with friends or not at all because he said he didn’t need to anymore when he had me he preferred to just spend that time with me. He did not like to miss skype nights. We would write emails to each other daily, I would always wake to one and I would send one for him for when he finished work, before he went to bed. And we would speak on the phone too. I would say to him..go out, you need your time out and I truly meant it but he would always choose us.

It was funny because I knew he would do as he said the day before and want to skype yesterday. I looked forward to it. And when I saw him for the first time again I was shocked at how his presence or more so his charisma just came back through to me, his voice, his amazing smile. That wonderful brain. Some people just have it in spades.

But he was right on to it again he always managed to let me know my many faults; “have you developed a bit of a drinking problem?” (said he who drinks and smokes regularly and sometimes quite heavily) “How do you know?” I said. He just looked at me and said ‘Oh Roz’ and laughed. I told him about the Italian and how I was just going through the motions of relationship death roll and other things were difficult right now too.

I was about to ask him about why we just ended as we did a few days before I was due to fly out to Chicago as we had planned (it was me who ultimately told him to forget it, but…) and he must have sensed it because he said “do you wanna know why…(not finishing the sentence, not having to)” he said “I want to tell you why…When you see a tornado coming do you run to it or from it”. “A tornado? So I am a tornado” I said. “You know what I mean” he said. “Yes, I guess I do”.

The long but wonderful skype talk left me feeling happier (it seems the yank and I will continue to stay in touch as friends, I do enjoy our chats, but that is all I have in me for now. I woke to a text message from him this morning which was sweet), but I found myself milling over the ‘tornado’ comment and being tiddly as I was I knew I shouldn’t but I had to ask and the only one I knew I could was the Italian. So I text him (yes, again) and told him what the yank had said and he pretty much replied immediately that he did not agree with that comment. That was sweet of him considering. God I will miss him. In the cold light of the morning I realise how fucking crazy it was to text him but I wasn’t thinking straight last night. Will I ever again? Think straight?!

No alcohol today. My body has had enough and it is just playing with fire to keep that ridiculousness up. I need to treat my body with some respect. I need to refocus.

Love and whitelight xx

Train wreck or hot mess?..semantics

Either or, I am definitely one of those, a spectacular train wreck or a bloody hot mess at this time. I woke up and thought that the universe had seen fit to reward my bad behaviour by restoring my sight to 20/20 and then I realised I was so completely inebriated last night I had fallen asleep with my contact lenses in…AND I NEVER DO THAT…

It illustrated to me that I was so far gone and I am so full of remorse today because like a complete twat I wrote long texts to ‘him’ (formerly known as T.G.O..I can’t even bring myself to say it) and was basically barraging the poor guy. You look at yourself and say ‘my god, I have become one of them, those women that are pathetic…the stalking banchi’s you see going bananas and hammering a poor guy never leaving them alone’…I am a reasonably intelligent woman (some have even called me very so…meh) but I was showing no signs of intelligence last night.

Although everything else is up the shit right now, the only thing I seem to be able to feel deeply about is how I will never see this man ever again. And even though so much of us was not quite right all I can think of was the good and sometimes funny things about him like how daggy he could be and his retro terminology. He would love to make love when we were out of it, if we were I knew I was in for a bloody good time. Crazy times, at our age but fun and funny and so enjoyable. Not all the time, too tiring but special.

In the midst of the barrage last night something strange happened. For a split second there was complete clarity (yes even whilst blind drunk) it was like my guides were seeing how much I was struggling and in pain by it all and they gave me a message. A clear ‘aha’ moment where I realised that he and I had unfinished business from a previous life, there was a soul connection somewhere past and this was my penance in this life. It was like a karmic response to something previous and that I had to take that lesson and realise that we are not meant to be in this life. May never be but in this we are done. So I sent a message that I wished him love in this life and apologised for my craziness.

Off the planet, maybe so to some but I believe. So much of what is happening right now is as a consequence of past lives. There are lessons to learn and karmic debt to be repaid if I can put it like that, right now I am having trouble enunciating as I am still vastly hungover and tired.

Later today I may be talking to Yank 2 via Skype. He messaged me yesterday. It was a nice ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark stormy day. I missed talking with him and his crazy highbrow way and the things we discuss are sometimes so way out most would think we were definitely nuts but its great because he challenges me intellectually and I love that.

But relationship material we are not and I dont feel that way about him anymore. And part of me feels like I shouldn’t because I am betraying ‘him’ but that is silly because he no longer cares and I must let go. It was what he wanted. God I miss him already. So sad about it all.

I need to go and have something to eat and try to find a way to rise above this stuff right now….

Love and whitelight xxx

Easier to let go…hitting bottom

I just woke up, later than usual because I was awake at 2 in the morning and the previous days’ conversations if you could call it that with him and all of our journey to this point kept replaying in my head trying to find answers and I simply could not find peace enough to sleep. I finally did after I messaged him, it was like I had finally let go which was what I know he wanted anyway but did not have the courage to do it.

This was the one time I really did not want to give up. I thought we had a chance of growing into something really strong and special. When we spent time together and even just talking to each other on the phone the connect was wonderful. But over the last couple of weeks it was impossible to invest the time to create a stronger connect through intimacy both physical and spiritual because he simply was not available. Two or three times including Friday he would ring and tell me he was just too tired to catch up. The window of opportunity for us was narrow anyway but he made it even more so. I knew he was distancing but I simply did not want to follow the pattern that had been set of me walking away. As I said, I had fallen for him and had hoped that when he said he wanted to see where this may go he meant it. But actions speak louder than words.

Yes, in most of my relationships I have been the one to walk away. I walked out on Joe in Arizona (many would say with good reason), I called time with Yank 2. And so many of my previous relationships including my ex husband it was me but this time even though (I knew finally yesterday it was over) I sent a final message to him after 2am this morning telling him I would make it easier for him because he was always so worried about hurting me, it was actually him that had given up. He told me we both had to think about things but what he really meant was that unless I was happy to continue on his terms, casual and uncommitted he wasn’t interested. And I realised that no matter how I felt or what I did it was hopeless and I was only hurting myself. You cannot make someone love you if they don’t. And I had already passed the point of no return by falling in love with him, just friends was going to be impossible for me, sadly.

Two songs were playing in my head intermittently in my early morning unrest as well, I know it sounds quite mad but I often wake up or sometimes at strange times end up with songs in my head and it is like they are there as a kind of message. One was Christina Aguilera’s ‘Trust the Voice within’ lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaaguilera/thevoicewithin.html ) and the other was The Main ingredient’s ‘Everybody plays the fool’ and with that one the lyrics just ran through my brain at one stage;

Ok, so your heart is broken
You’re sitting around mopin’, cryin’, cryin’
You say you even think about dying
Well, before you do anything rash, baby, dig this

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Fallin’ in love is such an easy thing to do
But there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is gonna love you
Oh, loving eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean, it clouds your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it, when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason, is swept away
Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, you’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry, but when you do, next time around someone cries for you

Hey, everybody plays the fool, sometime
Use your heart just like a tool, listen baby
They never tell you so in school, I wanna say it again,
Everybody plays the fool

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Every plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I wanna say it again
Everybody plays the fool

Always loved that song, the lyrics are so true, always loved classic American soul and R&B from the 70’s.

So when I woke today I had a cry. I felt empty. I had managed to hit bottom again. No relationship, no job, no proper place to live, not much savings left, and barely seeing my boys for a couple of weeks through things out of my control, no real friends in sight, well yes I see the odd one or two on odd occasions and then there is Facebook and its easy opt out ‘messenger’ messages rather than real contact. The people I consider my best friends are in Sydney and Seattle. I can’t move for work to Sydney where there is much more because of my beautiful eldest and the fact I may lose him soon….I have hit bottom.

Funnily though right now I feel there is nothing much else to lose except my health and my life; I lost my mind a long long time ago!

My goodness…..humour…in the midst of the wank and bullshit. I feel extraordinarily calm. I know I will probably go through sadness at times about this in the next days. But I can’t help feeling that even with what seems like hitting bottom again the only way from here is up if I chose to not give in as I have felt recently and just be grateful for the lessons learned. Like I said, it could be much worse, many people are much worse off. This is yet another bad time in my life but hell I have also been through much worse and I have no right to feel sorry for myself when my son is losing his fight daily with something that cannot be altered…..

Universe, I am in your hands, I give it up to you in complete faith and accept that which cannot be changed. I just want some peace again…

Love and whitelight xxx

The morning haze…

I could do with more sleep right now. I feel…numb. I remember the $100 cab ride home from the Casino last night was emotional, poor bloody cab driver. I asked and with respect he kept quiet the whole long journey. I cried all the way home. I remember watching the white line that marked the edge of the road and how detached from everything I felt.

I had just text ‘the good one’ and simply said ‘goodbye’. That particular goodbye was not anything to do with what I eventually felt when I got home and continued to drink, feeling very very low and despondent. Instead of uplifting I had sad music on and downed several more whiskeys. I had been drinking most of the day. I remember referring to it as I chatted to someone I knew at the Casino as my anesthetic, my pain killer. I knew better but I just needed to forget yesterday, its just how I felt.

I wrote about how I felt last night late because in a macabre way I was also fascinated and wanted to verbalise how sometimes in a an almost split second you could feel such relief in the thought of letting go for good. I have actually been suicidal before and it was much more calm, sober and calculated than that and that was a real attempt. Last night was just a fantasy. Dangerous but real. But it was fleeting, because no matter how alcohol hazed I was my mind is much stronger now than its ever been, even without antidepressants and even with the shit flying everywhere. I owe it to my boys not to give up. They are my anchor to this earth.

In a strange turn of events not long after I posted that blog post I get a text from ‘the good one’; “I just read the blog you were telling me about, never contact me again”. I hadn’t written anything else for hours after I had sent the goodbye text, I hadn’t felt there was anything else left to say even though he text me back at the time “goodbye???”. I had come to that conclusion then because I had felt tortured for days about us and I felt it was my only option after he had once again told me he wanted to ‘give it a miss’, our supposed catch up last night. I had had it before and the nature of our relationship the to-ing and fro-ing had finally wore me out. It seemed every time he did the ‘I’m there, I’m not there thing’ it was like a knife making another stab wound, maybe a tad strong but we had been down the road of the merry and not so merry dance and I was tired of it. Not that he meant much by it, he just said he was tired and needed a night to himself. After talking with friends yesterday and explaining the dance they said it didn’t sound good and that I should probably let it go, and I kind of agreed. There is only so much I can handle right now, I feel worn.

But what had struck me a couple of weeks ago was that I had actually fallen in love with him. Against all sanity and better judgement, knowing fully what he told me he was feeling at the time, it still happened. I fought it, I did. After the Joe debacle the last thing I needed was another heartbreak and he had somehow managed to get in. I thought I was in control of it…dammit. Love. I have never been very good at it, in fact I suck at it.

So after he text me the “I read your blog..” I felt at first surprised. Then I thought, “no, you dont get to say that to me” so I text back. He was cross with me. He, was cross. There was emotion there. Something had driven him to FB stalk me (I do it too, check non ‘friends’ out sometimes, dont we all? Its not a crime. I would often look at his profile pic because I missed his beautiful smile) and finally find and read my blog. I had unfriended him on FB in a fit of rage a few weeks ago and was quietly glad because I didn’t want him to read my blog. Even though I had only ever pretty much wrote good things about him, I knew he would probably not understand.

I called him. It was late and he needed to get to work this morning (no wonder the poor bastard gets cross with me…and he rarely gets cross..well never really in front of me). He spoke to me in such a wonderful gentle tone..that feeling I get when am with him returned. Oh god, I am back to square one. Love SUCKS.

I guess, we’ll see. I need more sleep and lots of water…and a plan to get my sanity back..

Love and whitelight xxx

This is the split second..

I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non lucidity..it seems right and if you have toyed with the plan..it just may work..no..that is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or him..how often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE fade..in the memory in time…

I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.

Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the above..it has taken some of the impetus out of things.

Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.

So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything

But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.

It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.

Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs me..to an extent.

But it is becoming exhausting right now…

More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx