La Fin..Life Beyond Him..

Its taken a while but my 20 year old (my youngest son..whom is well) made a valid point yesterday. We spent some valuable one on one time…rare these days but wonderful.

What is the the point of “life beyond him” mum..’him’..that time..is over.

He was right. I no longer consider that time in my life as relevant.

He..Him..is now a figment. A colossal waste of time and energy. And the rest pretty much are too. A ridiculous aberration. A dumb ass period of absolute futility.

I have dated a couple of times after him who shall  remain nameless. In the rare time I would lift up and say ohh fuck it I have to get out..it reiterated that even though there are nice guys there..rare.. I am older and far more aware of what fits and what doesn’t.

I have finally learned and had enough. Now it is all about peace and being happy with me. Just me.

I still talk to Yank 2. The stayer in this all. He who shall remain nameless predicted I had a connection with Y2. Yes, I guess he was right. And very recently we seemed to get closer again. But I am no longer happy banging my head, considering the man first, penis driven (not that Y2 and I have been able to consummate as such..we only skype, email and phone  but hell we’ve had some fun!). And he is damned interesting and funny and alot of things certain others just aren’t.

But I am also not certain about him. I met his beloved older brother, whom he loves and absolutely adores…when I was in Sydney earlier this year and he was lovely. Then there was a family wedding I was asked to go to, it seemed to be the thing…it kept us motivated for a while. I was meant to fly to Chicago to attend and to see him and luckily it didn’t happen. It appears it just wasn’t right. We are half a globe away. He had said that when it came to crunch time (a couple of days before I flew) he felt “If you see a tornado, do you run to it or from  it?”

He told me that after we hadn’t spoken for a couple of months, and then only  as friends.

I love him as a friend. And as time has gone on maybe more..again. Our conversations and other has progressed again. But I am SO DONE with all the wank and bullshit between men and women these days.

There is no such thing as loyalty. Everyone is looking for the next best thing. At the drop of a hat.

I’ve been through a blinding depression again recently. I have not felt so damn black and hopeless and profoundly sad and…oh the list goes on for a long time and this time sans medication. I have questioned why the flying fuck am I here…aside from my anchors..my sons. I can’t be bothered talking about it because these days everyone has an ‘expert’ opinion. AND THEY ARE JUST FUCKING IGNORANT AND WRONG more often than not.

So I don’t bother.

I can’t be bothered with lack of intelligence, experience and ignorance. Bias, parochialism, idiocy, self centredness, narcissism and Machiavellianism.

But it seems to be the way of the world. Elections, business, government, relationships etc.

Anyway.

It is time to say farewell to this blog. My friend indeed. It has served me well.

It is time to start a new thing. New title, theme, life, attitude…oh geez..god knows what…

At this stage I am tiddly and tired. My shuffle on Ipod has just started to play White Zombie…something really heavy and right now…it just doesn’t resonate.

Need to just write afresh. Start afresh when I feel motivated. Maybe use another method of reach. I am not happy with the fact that the people you don’t want to access your writing like  prospective employers, government, other organisations and people that should have no real business in your business, use the public domain to form opinions and biases when in all reality sometimes they have no idea what is real and what is not.

In essence..if we are not at work or whatever it is none of their damned business. Stop spying you arseholes…FUCK OFF

Anyway. I thank my loyal few followers and readers. I wish you all alot of love and luck.

I will write again…under a different title and probably pen name..I hope we meet again

Love an whitelight xxx

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Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

The Fat lady is singing…

How can it be 4 seasons in one day? Oh believe me, in my world it is entirely possible. I feel a tad like Carrie Bradshaw, no not intentionally for attention grab but because I am finally starting to get certain answers to the mystery of love and relationships after so long (although if you think you have all the answers…ohhh lorrd…). She would write about the idiosyncrasies of sex and relationships in New York and just in general.

At this moment I am absolutely shatfaced (British expression for ‘off my face’) and should not be writing. But the binge and purge continues. Things just aren’t right at present on many levels and yet there are still some surprisingly good.

The yank (2 in Chicago, on skype to me today for hours as we have over weeks now again) inspired me when he said in a pondering stare into the abyss and after I observed “my darling you seem very pondering right now?!” Lol. He said “I am thinking about giving it all up and writing”. That was unexpected because even though he is much more creative and extremely intelligent than I and I also want to just drop out and write, he is still very attached to the ethos..honest earning..on the treadmill.

‘Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself’

‘A non writing writer is a monster courting insanity’

-Franz Kafka

I said “is everything alright?” meaning can I take your temperature? ha

He was more inebriated than me (with the time difference it was the early hours of the morning in Chicago for him but he works night/am shifts so it works and keeps the schedule on his days off) and had been out in the wonderful Chicago energy. I have been there, I know.  We have the most tremendous ‘thinking’ conversations. The connect is palpable. But he seemed serious, and we discussed it and other questions of the cosmos…

He has been there, over this tough time. Could have ran again but he didn’t. I appreciate the friendship, but its more than that. And he came back.

And then there is the Yank 3, whom I have spoken with every day since we reconnected. He is funny, and interesting and as we started to reconnect I realised that there was a nice energy between us. At a strange time he has been there too. And he came back. I am glad. He has managed to take my mind away from…all of it..mostly.

And the Chevy guy from past. We spent a bit of time together in the last fortnight, as friends but just partying and getting over our issues. He nearly lost his business recently in this ridiculous melee that is our economy here in Perth. He messages regularly, and again tonight when I apologised that last night I didn’t respond because I had seriously cried myself to sleep

Not about the good one..the Italian’, there are things worse at the moment although having feelings for him he has been exhausting and emotionally draining (because he is hot, cold and often far self interested) Chevy guy as said “I did too funnily enough” Cry and fall asleep last night (this guy is 6’2 and looks like a bikie!!) although he is actually a sensitive soul.

But the “Good one” has haunted me on and off this last week or so and I still don’t understand why considering, he re engaged and then disengaged again. That seemingly endless cycle and I felt our connect had finally seemed to dissipate but it was hard and sad because he was tangible. He was here, in this country, and semi present and at times it felt real. But I came to realise that he had never really called over my difficult time to say ‘are you OK?’. How is your son going?’ and times we spent together were always squashed between his time, when it was convenient. Not because he really wanted to see me. Took me a while to accept that.

It is only after you start to wake up and the emotions turn from love to disappointment and reality that you recognise what a profound waste of time it all was.

Much earlier this afternoon I started on Cosmopolitans and progressed thereafter, wines and …..

At this moment I dont give a flying feck who reads this. I know that public is public. And no one should ever assume the extent of one’s troubles.

Part of the descent of my ‘relationship’ with “the good one” was that he started to read my blog. Read, not understand, and respond. “just read your blog, dont call me again”. “you seem to have enough guys to go on with””did you sleep with him?” yada yada.

My response although I didn’t say it, was; you don’t want me but its not OK for me to get on with my life.

I messaged him tonight, no courtesy to respond. It is sad but I accept it.

I know people come into our life for whatever time and reason. I am just unsure why he was ever there…sex? Is that all? Over the time we spent together?. That seems so crass and yet so common.

Finally the fat lady is singing. Its time on a waste of time it seems.

And yet, there is in endings new beginnings….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Shades of crazy…Jimi rules!

Image shared courtesy of Tinybuddha.com with thanks

I read my post of yesterday with complete dismay. So, so low. Bordering depressed, in fact there would surely be a diagnosis of depression at some level if the current standard of psychology was applied;

Criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks. Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline. Impaired function: social, occupational, educational. Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:

1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).

2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day

3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite

4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia

5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation

6. Fatigue or loss of energy

7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness

9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

Irrational worry, preoccupation with unpleasant worries, trouble relaxing, feeling tense, fear that something awful might happen. Substance abuse causing depressed mood (eg. drugs, alcohol, medications)

If this is the case then I have surely been depressed for the last 3 months because I hit every bullet point and theoretical standard they apply.

But in today’s lucid light I look at my circumstances (in no particular order of importance)  and say NO. I HAVE FUCKING GOOD REASONS TO FEEL AS I DO RIGHT NOW. Lets take a look:

I have just lost a relationship with someone I adored as a friend and lover. Nothing when it comes to relationships is ever guaranteed but I treasured what we had, what little of it there was. So it is painful, but that is life. Things end. But some people remain inside no matter what.

I have a son (my eldest) that for years has been fighting a disease N.B.I.A which in the last 2 years has amped up, working its way through his body enough that I know I may lose him sooner rather than later. And watching what it is doing to him is killing me because there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT. I have known for years and thought I had come to a place of peace and acceptance about it but now I know I have not. I may not handle things as well as most but watching your child (now adult) lose their chance at a full and happy life whilst they also lose their ability to do simple things like walk, talk, eat, see and are in constant pain and  become trapped in their bodies is ….fucked. I have always been grateful for the time we have had with him, some parents barely get to hold their child before they are taken away. But this is my story and my pain and at times I just do not deal with it well. And it has been going on for a long torturous time.

Very recently I have taken a hammering (in confidence and chances in the future) from the loss of 2 jobs, in a bad economic environment and I am aging to boot so my value in the workplace has been further diminished but not only that I found that I could not work in environments that disrespected and devalued you with constant threat of ‘if you dont like it there are hundreds more that will’ with no-one else willing to take a stand for their basic rights for fair pay and conditions because they themselves are too scared which effectively perpetuates this horrible battery hen situation.

There are other things too such as going through that marvelous gift to women in their 50’s; ohhh boy aren’t we the lucky ones; giving birth leaves our bodies wracked with problems like leaky bladders and stretched and prolapsed vaginas, our bodies in pain, stretch and sag and bleed sometimes so profusely that we often have days where we dont know our own name let alone where we are and whilst we go through this fun men of similar age are busy looking for women half our age because who wants to fuck a saggy vagina and a woman with “baggage” baggage that has more than likely partially been left by the constant drive by shots in the heart from they themselves….breathe Rozy….

As I said, I could go on but I have had my rant.

So my plan for today is pretty much as yesterday until I get my head back together from everything.  I just got a text from yank, bless his heart, he does care! I was listening to Jimi Hendrix late yesterday as I poored myself a number of Mojitos and as I muddled the lime and mint I realised and passed comment in a message to him that the only greens (green vegetables) I seem to be eating lately is the mint in my Mojitos!! His answer today to that and I know he is driving his truck right now but possibly on a short break in order to do it was “Jim rules! Enjoy…Hugs K…”

Image result for when the power of love

Here is one of my favourites Hendrix songs although it is hard to choose as i just love his music fullstop!

Voodoo Child;  https://youtu.be/IZBlqcbpmxY

So today more of Jimi and my wonderful wet bar. I have nearly made it to tomorrow when I see my beautiful eldest son and I know the joy of holding him will surpass everything. And everything I feel right now will fade whilst I am with him. But til tomorrow….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx