Hello from Nutty central..

Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier.  Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.

He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago,  whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!

Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco  executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he  enjoyed it which I also admired.

I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.

I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.

Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…

The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.

But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer  to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.

And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.

So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Can you recover from the ‘Friend zone’?!

As I woke this morning that old familiar feeling “oh god, am I there again” was back. What am I referring to? That horrible thing called the ‘friend zone’. That thing you are relegated to if you are stupid enough to accept it because you really like someone and if you choose to accept becomes a ‘damned if I do’ situation that can be a hell of your own making.

I have been in regular contact with ‘the good one’. We speak very frequently now on the phone, in fact he has been a bit of a solace because right now even though other things in my life are going well my son has deteriorated again this time more rapidly and I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly that this disease may take him much sooner. He talks me through even though most times I don’t want to talk about it, but he tells me I need to have a cry sometimes and let it out by talking to someone. He often says “I don’t know how you do it” and to always know that he is there to talk to whenever I need him. And so far he really has meant it. To my surprise. And generally it is him that will message ‘hey, how are you?” etc.

My other son is currently here with me, he came over yesterday to stay the weekend and for us to spend our time together away from the pain and worry about his brother. Just us time..release.

But the night before (Friday night) the “good one” and I spent the  evening and night together which is also reasonably regular taking into account our jobs, our kids and other life factors. As a reminder, this was the the guy I referred to in my post “the gentle breakup…back on the horse etc” in October. Yes, we have managed to stay in the “friend zone” which is what he initiated and when he did originally I did not know if I could do it because I had already developed feelings and was feeling quite gun shy from that idiot self serving narcissistic yank whom I never think about these days.

We talk about anything and everything, we share intimacy and intimate things and we consider each other for the most part. We enjoy our connection.

But the other night as we were having a great time a few drinks and making out to music, we had a moment where we were talking quite openly where I mentioned this woman he had openly told me he liked, not long after the gentle breakup, he has known her for longer than I and wanted a relationship with her but she has been keeping him at arms length for a year and I know darned well that as a natural instinct we all but particulary men love a challenge; what we can’t have. Over time a fair number of weeks back he told me he had stopped calling her and had realised he was where I was trying not to head with him and gave up on her.

I’m not silly, whether he chooses to admit it or not I know I was his fallback in a sense because around that same time he started to contact me more regularly and we started seeing each other again and it has remained that way. He told me the other night she called him and asked to see him so he went to see her where she was working in a shop and said that he thought it was pretty much not worth pursuing, he had finally got  over it. So I revealed that over the last months I had been dating other men because we had no commitment and he asked if I had slept with them and I say yes. His reaction was slightly annoyed and indignant “I thought I was the only one” and I said “no, we weren’t committed and I told you I was dating others just as you were” “Yes but…” and I just  said “well, I am not dating anyone else now I am sick of all the wank and bullshit from you men and I don’t need that crap in my life with what is going on” he seemed satisfied with that but then proceeded to kiss me senseless and make love to me. Sheesh. I still to this day can not believe the double standard and I won’t tolerate it. If we are not committed, I am free to date if I want..which I don’t want to at the moment its too exhausting!

And then the oddest thing was the next morning we were cuddling and talking and he deliberately asked me more about what was happening with my son and more about the disease and I bloody well started to cry and he just held me, soothed me and gave me what felt like love and support. I was confounded.

So what to do? I wake up this morning and he is in my head. My instinct says do not fall for him again. Enjoy what you have but don’t fall for him because you were not his first choice then and you probably are not now. And I also think if this looks  like it is going go too far I need to get out before that happens but I will lose what I do have with him.

My instinct also tells me to leave it as it is, he initiating contact but me getting on with other things and not being so available. But am I wrong remaining in the “friend zone” well the “Friends with benefits zone” and is there ever a chance it may turn into something more and should I care if it does or doesn’t? I know I want a real relationship that gives me all that I deserve and not be second choice.

I am so glad my work has me flat out and long hours during the week. It is so full on I no longer have the time to think about this rubbish or the pain of my sons illness. And I am much closer to moving into my own place again and being closer to my sons, being able to do things without having to worry about money to do it with like paying bills.

I guess in essence I should just “go with the flow” and see where this takes me. Today I am going to enjoy my sons company again and go to the gym and try not to think about this friend zone rubbish. Get my strength back. The strength I’ve been working hard to get…

Love and whitelight xxx

 

So much for lessons learned! Oh irony..

Some days you just want to go back to bed, pull the covers up around you and sink into blissful non intruded sleep. No worries or concerns, no thoughts or fears, no realities, just blissful nothingness. I guess as I have heard many say more recently ‘first world problems!’ because the fact of the matter is I have a bed, a roof over my head even if tenuous, I have food to eat pretty much most things Maslow speaks about in his hierarchy of needs.

But the funny thing is things can change drastically at the drop of a hat, just look at Paris recently or San Bernadino. It really makes you think how life these days has become..oh god..what is the word? My brain is a tad numb from a bottle of wine yesterday..

I still have days when I feel a bit lost..what next…and when I do I give myself a day or so to just feel it and try rewire my thinking, bring myself back to the present and say to myself ‘just take one day at a time girl, it is all you can do’…eventually I liven up again. Mindset. After years of medicated thoughts I am now in control (hate that word in some ways) and have to pull myself up regularly until it all becomes natural (I will never allow the black dog in again, I will fight it).

So Friday, after another disappointing week on the job front..2 more no’s after running around to meetings and interviews I decided to take an afternoon and just time out. I had a nice meal, a play at the casino (I know, not a good place to go when you are on the bones of your arse but when everyone else is at work, no friends in sight, I’d exercised a number of days that week, cleaned, applied for a gazillion jobs, self educated a bit more..I just needed a timeout for a few hours). I won a few hundred dollars but had a few more drinks and put it all back again! And then I got a text from the beautiful man. The one that got away.

The one that at least was decent enough to tell me he wasn’t sure I was his forever girl and gave me time to kinda get over him..it was a only a number of weeks dating so it wasn’t too hard and his kindness and honesty helped, what a pity he is a rare male these days, I really did want to keep him!! But it has to be a two way street!

Anyway, I called him after he tried to call me (I had messagebank on) after my return text saying Hi! It was so nice to hear his voice, he had been back from Italy for a couple of weeks and we had kept in touch while he was over there and then he messaged a couple times when he got back. He has his kids every second weekend and this was his weekend off so he said why don’t you come over? Which I did, we had dinner and drinks and ended up having a wonderful night together, yes, we did go there, several times…it kinda felt so familiar and yet more passionate than before. Just lovely…

I hadn’t been prepared for a sleepover so after spending the morning together I went home. On the way home I felt warm and wonderful and I took it for what it was and just appreciated our time together. We said we would talk again soon. (Which often isn’t the case when people say that but with us it usually rings true).

Then yesterday on my way to the gym a song by a band we mutually love (we love alot of the same music, and loud!) came on my ipod so I messaged him..he came back with a yeh love that. We text a bit he told me he had gone out the night before, his sister’s husband is a promoter and he helped her on the door of the gig, but of course, me being a bit of a ‘woman’ at times started to think ‘well why didn’t he ask me to go with him?’…..OHHHH GGGEEEZZZZ..then I allowed my outer child to run amok for a little while; pouting and making up scenarios in my head and realised I really did still like this guy…arrgghh

Then I heard the Yank in my head for the first time in a little while “You are 50 man, you should be together by now” (I am not 50 yet I am 49 til May 2016 but I guess it made him feel better as he was about to hit 60!!:P) and “Man you think too much” and other wonderful encouraging words of wisdom he imparted (not)…I realised that even though I have worked hard on myself and tried to change habits of a lifetime I am still a very flawed person when it comes to love and relationships…it takes effort to get my mind back on the right path, but at least I recognise it now..

So I snapped myself out of it yesterday afternoon after gym, had a glass or two of wine put some great music on and said ‘if you love someone, set them free etc ‘ yada, you know the saying…funnily enough we did end up talking again in the afternoon it was fun and funny and I get the feeling we will remain good friends, maybe more, I guess time will tell. But it is funny when you change your way of thinking and actually relax and stop thinking too much what happens….

I guess the yank was kinda right! Ironic….love and whitelight xx

 

 

Things do happen for a reason…

Yesterday on my way into the city for meetings and interview, even as the train broke down I sat in relative peace…felt peaceful because it hit me; even though we don’t always agree with what happens and things hurt us and are generally difficult or even ridiculous, after a while you realise that they occurred for a reason.

It may not have been part of your grand plan. May not have been what you expected, but as things unfold you get A HA moments and in that moment you know there really is a higher power (in whatever form you believe in) working behind the scenes.

I am starting to get more of the A ha moments; a learning and realisation. I love that feeling, when it does come to you and you smile to yourself with a knowing, a contentment.

Life is by no means easy right now, not alot has changed but things are moving and I am becoming acutely aware of things I never used to pay attention to. I now find myself realising the incredible waste of focusing on the past and looking too far into the future because in that you lose today. And that is something you can never get back once its is gone.

The experience with the men I have dated lately (bar one who showed me how a man can behave respectfully and he is still my friend), each time I have come to a greater acceptance that it is better to be alone than with someone who disrespects or abuses you or really only thinks about themselves. I want a relationship but I don’t need it.  I know what I deserve and I would treat my partner with love and respect, I would do anything; for the right person. It needs to be mutual. And they have made me realise how my pining for Joe over all these months (even writing to him at times still) was a ridiculous waste of time because even if he did come back, he was not the person I thought I knew and loved and he would never change and never be able to give me what I deserve; real love and respect, kindness and care and friendship. It is like the universe kept giving me the same kind of men and saying ‘learn the lesson. Toughen up, be wise and do what is right for you’ and at the same time it finally hit me that even though I was madly in love with him and thought he was different, Joe was those kinds of men but even more extreme and wrong.

I remember Joe (the yank narcissist) used to say; “I know how to treat a good woman”, “I want a relationship where you do everything together and have each others back no matter what” (I came to realise what the ‘no matter what’ entailed!) but with all of his mantras he was only prepared to be with someone that did things his way, acquiesced to his needs and desires, under his complete control, a woman who didn’t have a mind of her own and was happy to say “yes Joe, no Joe, how far do you want me to bend over the cliff Joe?” Anyway, that is done. I did in a drunken stupor text him very recently but now I am really done. I guess I will refer to him now and then, what happened with him was a great leveller, it broke me down, made me go in and deep, searching me and why things in my life were as they were, I questioned…stripped down to bare and dealed.  It has taken many months to rebuild and open my eyes.

But they are wide open now.

I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.  Even though the interview I had yesterday with a wonderful international company; which was  teleconferenced with a Manager overseas and here in Australia seemed to go well something tells me I may not have got the job..something is not quite sitting right inside of me..I am feeling things more intuitively lately, except when I have a glass or two of wine or a Dirty martini! But that is OK, there are other options coming forward from the other meetings I had and I feel a strong pull that all of a sudden the right position will just open up. That timing is a part of it considering other factors in my life like my son and getting to spend precious time with him before I lose him. things seem to be occurring to some weird timetable…I know that may sound slightly crazy..but it seems like it…

I have been off  antidepressant medication now for 16 months and in that time I have gone through so much including another depression but this was different and there was a reason behind it and now I look back and know the likelihood of it ever happening again is very minimal because of what I have learned and worked through this time, this one was meant to be. I know I will experience profound sadness but there is difference between depression and sadness and I know I now have tools to deal that I never had before. I know myself finally. I really like me now…finally. It took nearly 50 years!:)

Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

Later in the day…ahhh men..

So please excuse my aberration…earlier…Some days are still a huge effort in patience and other required and expected outward appearance! However, as the day slowly slips away…I have had an interesting afternoon…a couple of glasses of wine…Dianna Krall..”the look of love” and other good mushy classics , Stevie Wonder oh yah haha…

This morning I woke feeling shite. I have not managed to get work still, YES, I have tried, every morning I start the same shooting off my resume, making phone calls etc etc and I am also now not looking just at what I am qualified to do.(and in the meantime trying to self teach on knowledge gaps to get my biz together). I will do anything..to earn an income and not be on welfare! I have a scant amount of savings left, I guess my trip to America didn’t help..stupid me..tight arse arsehole him, guess as well..should’ve known!! ..that should have been a clue?!!…oh dear..Australia, but particularly Perth is really suffering in the aftermath of the boom…I know its not just me. As I have said before, it is a one trick pony this city. And I have considered going East again (I did get a call recently) but with my son going downhill more rapidly I really do not want to leave at this point…Probably a good thing Joe and I never made it…I could’ve been living in the U.S and trying to fly back regularly…anyway…

So after doing what needed doing this morning, I was back in touch with a couple of crazy men I have dated…it was good because it took my mind off..

One is incredibly Italian in his outlook and manner..there is a ‘profile’ about these guys, sometimes I feel I could write a book about how these men are predictable! it is funny.

The other, incredibly British. They are all stiff upper lip and yet there is a real seedy side to them when  it comes to relationships.

I must admit, they both, highly entertained me and made me smile. And I needed to.

Ohhhh hang on…speaking of BRITS; Rod Stewart and “you wear it well” just came on…need to have a sing and dance!!  Here is the link to the video  https://youtu.be/hQqNUwNNkTo

OK anyway, we had highly animated conversations both on phone and in person. But one of the conversations was about me and how I appear to the male population out there in neverland!!

“no offense sweety, but you come across as wanting to be dominated (sexually) and then you just take over and take charge. No man wants that! They want to call the shots! ” OH FUCK, REALLY???

Then the other “you are quite intimidating to men that don’t know you well. You’re intelligent, very switched on, classy, strong…it really makes a guy feel like you are too high maintenance!”…NOW if that ain’t an oxymoron I don’t know what the bloody hell is!!

So..how is a girl to proceed? I guess I should not put any emphasis on a man and his thoughts..because, to be quite frank..sometimes I think they are more confused than us women!

Tomorrow night I am going to the Italians house! For the weekend apparently? No Joe just maybe for the evening..no I want you and us to spend some ‘time’ together, yes,  by some fucking freak of nature he is a ‘Joe’ too.

Dear god. is the irony lost on me? NO.

Ahhh..too may wines..many FB and phone conversations..

Lets discuss the moral dilemma tomorrow when I am compos mentis …aye carumba…no more wine…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The morning after…contemplation

My post last night was written in haste and tiddly haze after what was a very disappointing day. Life is full of days like that I know, but I guess the secret in life is not to expect too much and then you won’t be as disappointed.

I had that conversation with the yank, about expectations. At times we had some good conversations in our early days prior to his true colours being revealed. Or  at least my ability to witness it first hand. It takes time for someone to reveal their real self. Added to the mix is the cover of Social media, and our method of communicating these days. Alot of it is just not real or pretence disguised as real. It is so easy to pretend these days.

I think that is where I fall down. I can’t pretend to be anything other than me.

After my job interview yesterday I felt I had been as open and honest as I can be. I admitted to the interviewer that my work record in the last 2 years was a bit scattered because I had been dealing with life’s curve balls as profoundly as I could and had suffered major depression (on top of some really challenging real life issues). I don’t think that went down well even though he pulled all the right facial expressions and uttered the ‘right’ words. The thing is, it is harder to pretend when face to face. I think I read people fairly well when they are in front of me, it is intuitive.  I am well qualified for the job, in fact he seemed concerned it might be a bit too basic with no chance of moving up. But to me work is work, I am at a different point in my life.

Then I went to meet the man I’ve been dating. He asked me the day before but I wanted to prepare for the interview, go to the gym and just have a good nights sleep. He messaged me alot with the dumbest jokes, it was as if he needed to keep talking to me, but I was trying to cook dinner so I said I would see him the next day. So as planned I met him at the Pub we met at originally. He works hard physically and then goes to the pub nearly everyday after. Or drinks at home. I hadn’t realised initially that was how it was going to be and when it dawned on me the reality saddened me. He is an alcoholic. He doesn’t care what he is doing to himself, he even said so and when I tried to talk with him about it he would argue that I was being judgmental. Apparently he was starting to feel like I was judging him about everything. It seemed as if he wasn’t feeling stimulated unless he was arguing. I won’t do that. It’s a waste of time.

So after several drinks he insisted on going home to his house and continuing there. Once there, it was on again. So I packed up and walked out. Seems like  a common theme to me lately. I walked out on the Yank in Arizona after flying half way around the world to see him (his behaviour was unacceptable too, but not alcohol fuelled, just narcissistic manipulative games). I think both of them thought I would participate in their games and crap. NO. Hell no.

So back to the drawing board. If I give up on love it will be a sad and lonely life. Love is the thing and I do believe in it wholeheartedly. It will come. The right person is near I feel it, and when it’s right, it’s right. FAITH.

Love and white light xx

Really? Again? Are there any normal people around?

So it’s happened again. I seem to pick them. Total tossers, or men who need their mother to wetnurse them.  One minute I give them the benefit of the doubt and then they just shit all over it. Dude, he really wanted a thing with me but he just could not communicate properly…he would make a statement and then expect an answer…and if it wasn’t the answer that best suited him he would just say :oh, its me I’m not right hey? After a number of days dating… he seemed quite keen…. more than me I’d say which was kind of freaking me out slightly…but I said, Roz, just go with it, go with the flow. I did NO chasing. He seemed ‘normal’, nice, gentlemanly even. Then WHAM.

It just seemed that  he wanted a conversation but he didn’t want an honest one. And by god, after everything lately….I can only give honest. I can not change for anyone. That, is not authentic.

Even today, after  job interview which was quite tiring for me because the man interviewing me seemed ill at ease and frantic to me in some way. I sat thinking; “men are telling us women we are emotional and difficult to deal with” and yet, I am finding them even more so at times!

Am I doomed to being alone in this life? Quite frankly, now, at this point I really don’t give a flying Feck.

I, myself, find that immensely sad in one way…but is it the general way these days?

I espoused the man shed theory… is it real? Or is it creative avoidance?

This man, who had up to a point behaved as an absolute gentleman, was starting to show his colours even only a few days ago. We spent the weekend together as well, and he invited a friend around and said this is my girlfriend! Believe me my eyebrows nearly shot off my face!!. We have seen each other nearly every second day and he would call or message consistently.

But,  not only does he drink like a fish, nearly every day but he calls it “partying”! It’s our time to party, we’ve brought up our kids…so lets drink ourselves stupid….

I’m sorry, but aside from growing out of it recently, yes, Joe the schmoe helped me with that but, why is it one or the other.. I meet a saint or a sinner?

The upshot is, I have finally sat there, listening to the wank and bullshit and said to myself; “this is NOT what I want, not what I deserve”, so I’m letting this one go too because, sadly, it is he, not I who has issues to deal with that sadly I can not help him with.

God knows I have enough shit on my plate.

And after everything, I really do deserve better….Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

Part 2 Man shed theory….still going with the flow

I started to write this 2 days ago; It was a lovely day yesterday. The weather was beautiful and we went to an old historic hotel/Inn not far from where I live in a national park. He came to pick me up in a hulking great Chevvy which kind of suited him he is a big man 6’2 ft tall! It put the biggest smile on my face (I love cars but I really love American classics especially Caddy’s, Chevs, Mustangs, Camaro’s, Trans Am’s, Corvettes). They drive like Sherman tanks but god you feel safe in them and the sound of the engine and the power…love it.

It was beautiful sitting amongst the trees after a lovely lunch. The conversation flowed. He’s lovely and good company. We were going to catch up again today (he runs his own business so can take time off when he wants to) but I needed a day off to do things, look for work, go to the gym…I really need to go to the gym regularly to keep my mind in the right place. We are having a day together again tomorrow (now today). We will see….I am still going with the flow, oh thank you healing.

Anyway, the man-shed theory!

Prior to meeting my man friend the other day I was just writing my journal, listening the the great music they had on and observing the goings on in the bar. It was quite full of men! There was only a few women there and this was not some ‘dingy’ bar. But I guess being afternoon on a weekday most would be at work or other.

As I had said previously I had just been to an appointment, had my healing session and then bought myself a nice lunch and decided to just go on with it for the rest of the afternoon. Quite content to just be.

I moved from the Chesterfield I was sitting on to a table near the window so I could write in my Journal. After a while and another glass or two feeling quite relaxed and happy I realised as I looked around the room that the men were either just seated on their own, a couple were in couples, and the rest were just 2 sitting and having a drink and a chat. It came to me that these days rarely the man has a ‘man-shed’. In the old days houses always had a reasonable sized shed in the backyard where the man would retreat to get his ‘time out’ away from his wife often friends would go to when they visited and they would pow wow there and tinker; with the lawnmower, building something out of wood, fixing or pretending to fix something, but it was their territory and their time out.

Often these days and with housing the way it is, regularly now built without a shed but if there is it is usually so minute you can’t sit in it or create a space.

I thought to myself ‘is this the equivalent of the man shed?’. There they sat, peacefully chatting, rarely as animated as we women get and I kind of felt for them. Believe me that was a bit of a quantum leap after what I have just been through and how it had tainted my feelings slightly about the male species! My eyes were finally opening up again.

Recently I had been using a dating website and only a few days back I decided to put my membership on hold because as I had said previously it seemed to be a free for all and I wasn’t sure I had the energy for the wank and bullshit!

Yet sitting there that day, it came to me that although we single women complain there is a man drought or a lack of decent men to date some of these men can be found in the man shed equivalent.. they have just removed themselves from the dating scene because to quote a man I was talking to that day “it is all just too hard!”.

From the horses mouth. And then at one stage I had been chatting with a girl behind the bar and she and I had a laugh about it and she told me she thought there was definitely something in my theory. She told me about the ‘regulars’ and had some other great tales.

I think women are so tied up in “I am woman hear me roar” and all this self sufficiency and self love and confusing strength for aggression that men (who, lets face it ladies, really are a simpler, less complicated bunch than us!!) simply just give up on the process. At least they have the brotherhood! And I guess there is the also alot of male aggression and manipulation out there and it really kills how we see the other half as well, kind of spoils it for the good men out there that are genuine and relatively normal!! And they are out there, really!

My man friend and I met that day. He was about to go outside when we looked at each other at the same time and smiled. He said something, then I did and then he came and joined me at the table and we talked and laughed for hours well into the evening where after he insisted on taking me home in a taxi (believe me that is huge because I live a fair way away ) and then literally dropped me off with a sweet goodbye kiss and then went straight back home in the taxi which isn’t far from the venue we were at earlier!

It was lovely, and it was an organic meeting. None of this ‘swipe left swipe right’ bulldust. It was the old way. And it renewed my faith both in the males and that you can meet nice people the organic way even these days.

Now I don’t know what is going to happen from here, as I said, today we are going out again. He is taking the day off. Something Joe would not do for me even though I had flown half way around the globe at his request to see him after so many years and what I thought was a deep connection. But enough of that, that is well and truly over now. I guess even though the healing helped to cut the chains it will be a little while before it completely leaves my memory. I am now happy to just take things one day at a time. It’s all we can do.

Happier times ahead, love and whitelight x

Freaking fabulous at 49…stuff the lamb!

The last week or so I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but the wondrous thing is I now know why and I fully accept and embrace these days and the future which I know will be difficult at times but also marvelous. Because I said so.

I won’t reel off the list of crap that still exists in my life, it’s in previous posts and frankly I get sick of talking about it because it is what it is and everyone has problems of varying degrees. In some ways its enough to make a grown man cry but I know that the strength gained over time this year has enabled me to say “oh fuck it!” (sometimes the power of the expletive is the only way to create the impact!) and after a good bawl I pick myself back up again and go at it!

I have written alot about how I have moved past depression without medication this time and done it over a very challenging period of my life. One of the biggest changes and mechanisms for a stronger mind has been exercise, a good diet and supplements (including high strength fish oil, B group vitamins, Probiotics and Super Greens). Cliche but true. And I do have Joe to thank for the exercise thing..he was my initial impetus and he was very encouraging in our beginning…something to thank him for!

There is mounting evidence that regular and proper exercise has just as much (if not more) of an effect as antidepressants and I have to say, for me, it’s true. The natural boost from endorphin’s and the like seems to bring a clarity that allows me to put things more into perspective and help allay the rumination that so frequently wears away at you when you have mounting pressures and an impending feeling of doom.

You need to take into account what the root cause or causes may be and go to the heart of it and do the work. I know, I have been there. By no means do I belittle the fact that for some ‘chemical’ imbalance or physical cause is the root and that is when traditional methods; medication and therapy are still the most reliable way to stay upright.

And there are days when amongst it all your body just says ‘NUP’, no way, so you listen and give yourself the time to rest and nurture your aching spirit. IE give yourself some love and care. Have that glass of fabulous red (or several in my case!), sleep that extra hour if you can, read a good book, listen to some good tunes, whatever makes you feel in the moment and brings your energy back to centre.

I’m not trying to preach. There are many blogs out there doing that already. I am simply writing about my own experience and maybe if it works for me it may for someone else. I started this blog for that reason..catharsis and connection.

So it’s Friday and old habits die hard! Years of working in the city and Friday drinks and the excitement from the unwind still sit in my wiring even though I am not working at present (not through choice but circumstance and believe me that is temporary, I am damn sure of that now I am well again and the brain is in ‘go get’em’ mode!)

Funny story; I’ve been doing the dating thing, well not as fervently as recently because I have finally settled into my own groove and rather than try work through the quagmire of men who only want to ‘horizontal mambo’ straight off the bat (seriously, I don’t know if it is just Perth men but it feels like they are spoilt for choice and behave like insolent teenage boys needing their quick ejaculation at any cost…and they get it!…or in my case one guy, 3 years younger than me, who keeps texting me out of the blue…persistent bastard…probably because I won’t give it to him! He is slightly seedy in the sex department, he showed me by his behaviour after one coffee although he was an hilarious bastard as well! Which is the only reason I haven’t blocked him! What? I like a good belly laugh:).

Then there is a 35 yo who every time he opens his mouth I hear ‘waaaahhhh’ and realise why it is he is still single….he needs a mother figure and I guess at 49 I’m it temporarily but he did have some redeeming qualities…somewhere, although I haven’t heard from him for  2 days now after I told him his temper tantrums won’t work with me and frankly I don’t care if he doesn’t message again.

I did speak to the handsome Italian 52 yo I was dating recently this week, it seems we may keep some kind of friendship going as he had said. He is going through a difficult family thing right now (and dating on the side, I’m quite sure….I don;t think I was quite ‘adventurous’ enough for him in the sack…fervent but not adventurous!). And it is true what they say about the so called ‘quiet, gentlemanly ones’! 😉

I am damned serious; some of these men out there really want some seedy shit, they want the porn queen in the bed and the saint in the kitchen and man trying to keep up with this crap is tiring so I am happy to just ‘be’, have a laugh when I want and just enjoy my new sense of self and freedom. (Well partial freedom, I’m still caring for my mum although she is becoming more self sufficient now as her leg is healing and my son is….not as well as he has been…nature of the degenerative disease he has but there is still so much light in him even so and he is well cared for and is kept occupied which is good for him…I wish it could be me all the time but there is another story in that…so I have to get on with my life when I am able…keep connected to life outside of the issues and keep moving forward as best I can).

So yesterday, in the gym the young lass said to me’ how old are you?’ after I was talking about stuff and I said ’49’ and she said ‘no way, oh no way, my god I thought you were 40 at the most, look at your skin and your energy, you glow, my god if I look like you at that age I would be very happy, awesome”.

And I have to say I walked out of there with a big cheesy smile on my face and I realised that for all the crap there are also so many blessings and things to be grateful for…. and even though recently one date said he thought I was a modern hippy! I don’t know quite what he meant by that but hopefully not mutton dressed as lamb…damn it stuff the lamb…mutton is tastier…slow cooked! hahaha

Fruitloop central….It’s a jungle out there…madness..sheer madness

Right now is yet again not an ideal time to write this blog but I am going to because besides needing to distract myself for so many reasons; because life is a bit challenging at present as my previous posts have described and I still have moments when I feel like I should be in a straight jacket and heavily dosed!! (And I have not yet reached the ability to do the saintly thing and volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other wonderful act of humanity that I always feel guilty about not doing but I simply can’t just yet. Paid work would help immensely but there is still nothing….and having a wonderful day with my son yesterday yet seeing him struggle in front of me to eat and swallow is somewhat affecting me psychologically too…but I am trying to hang in there and keep it together).

It’s about keeping good thoughts rather than allowing the negative to overtake..it takes diligence and practice.

Yesterday, for some hours I felt at peace, with my beautiful boy and being able to hold him and love him..it seems like the only time lately that I feel totally at peace….like being wrapped in a wonderfully warm soft  blanket in the middle of winter.

When he is gone, then it is me, just me and all the things I must deal with and most of the time I feel strong enough now but I must admit that after he left I cried…for a long time knowing the inevitable….

So in my crazy, madness I went back online and reactivated my dating membership and immediately got a nice message from someone who contacted me prior to my short weeks of dating the man who just nicely broke it off….

Or so I thought it was nicely. I had the trail of our initial contact in my inbox and it showed that he had already reactivated prior to me (yes that bloody wonderful feature of time and date stamp that some dating sites have…ugghh).

Fair enough, I thought, he did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t think I was the one, long term and as I  had asked let me down before it was too late…got to appreciate that! Don’t you?!

This morning I went back on to answer a message that had been sent and I see he has deactivated his profile again, which was something he did when he first started dating me and of course my immediate reaction was one of sting…jesus..he’s moved on already and found someone just like he did with me a few weeks back….the guys a fast mover…

Or is he? had he already had in mind that he would get what he wanted out of us and keep the ‘date’ he supposedly cancelled when he started dating me in reach and now he was seeing her…maybe concurrently..is he a serial dater the one that uses this dating tactic to create a social life and an constant stream of ‘physical intimacy’ on tap so to speak?

Or am I just a freakish cynical biatch because I have been hurt recently, so my trust is at an all time low.

My wonderful narcissist once drawled at me “man, you think too much”. !

I do believe that was probably one of the most truthful things he ever said to me. I do think, I think about things from various perspectives, I think alot. But I do have alot to think about.

So…the marvelous world of dating in your almost 50’s (I am still 49, so I am not claiming 50 just yet!). And the dating landscape to boot!

IT’S A FREAKIN JUNGLE OUT THERE…AYE CARUMBA

In previous posts I have mentioned the different types I have come across; cougar hunters, commitment phobes, men who say they have sorted their shit and believe me they haven’t (but who am I to judge?!), narcs, weaklings or ‘big girls blouses’ …..ISH…

The old way of dating or finding a mate just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…it just seems so bloody hard now…

But I believe in love…still…I believe that as much as it is wonderful to find yourself and be comfortable being on your own and in your company, being independent and free. Deep down, I still believe there is a beautiful love out there for everyone. A person to share your life journey with, your experiences and ultimately your twilight years….

No matter what is going on around me…I still believe and I won’t give up the dream….right now I am smiling to myself thinking how crazy I am…but thinking this way just helps..it means you are not giving up on one of the best things in life…

LOVE

Love and white light xxx