I thought about just stopping. No more posts. What was the point in it. A literary line drawn in the sand. Going round in the same circles. I am in pain, I am OK, I am woman hear me roar, I feel like death, I’m OK and so it goes. And goes, And goes.
It’s been 40 days since I got off the plane from America. 44 Days since he last spoke to me. 44 days of shutdown turnoff from him. And 40 odd days of me spinning the wheels of energy I no longer seem to have yet as I sit and write he is always there somewhere. Draining me amongst everything else. Snap out of it, I bloody well wish I could and there are fleeting moments when I have other things on my mind but this feeling, him, my life as it is encompasses me. I can’t seem to break free of this grip.
I have other issues to deal with, MANY, other issues…my existential crisis you know. I keep saying it. I thought a couple days of complete immersion and quiteness would help. It may have. Minimally.
I just read an article on letting go of a past love. Perhaps premature on my part because it seems as though he is not past to me. He still has a firm grip on my heart. Yesterday I tried to visualise, feel warmth and then the cutting of the chords that tie him to me somehow. No good. I meditated. My vision for meditation is usually the waves of the ocean rolling onto the sand and the beautiful calming sound. But over many months of our reconnect I would go to the beach and it was a way for me to connect with him even though he was far away. He came to me on a ship. He was in the Navy. We both have a love of the ocean. I would send photos and he would say how much he remembered of the Perth coast from his visit 30 plus years ago and the strange pull it had for him.
One day when I was there with him he asked me to talk to his daughter about buying a house in Perth, they both wanted to spend part of their time here. He talked about what a massive change it would be for me to move to Arizona, did I realise? He said it openly in front of her. I realise that he had thought about it all and discussed with her to an extent. Which is why when I play everything back in my head I find it so hard to understand why he could just close the door as he has. There is so much that does not make sense and his not saying a word from the day I went to the hotel, my last 3 days in Arizona, because he had made me feel so uncomfortable being there with him most of the time I felt I had no choice. But no dialogue. No words. Just nothing, is the hardest thing to deal with.
I read back my words here and it in no way covers the painful and hurtful elements of what happened, if anything it seems as though he is the good guy in all this. He is not. But when you love someone so deeply you are willing to overlook the bad things and you only look at the good things. There was more bad than good. Why can’t I knock that into my head.
Dealing with this only overrides the bigger picture maybe that is why I am focusing on him in part because it is an entity I know. I am so tired of all of this. I want my life back. I want to see the sun and appreciate it. I want to feel things again aside from pain and darkness.
All of the cliches run through my head “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”, “Life goes on”, “Life’s too short to be miserable, be happy”, google happy positive thoughts, strength and courage quotes, gratefulness and the like and you can spend all day reading the many veritable words of wisdom.
I want out. I want out of this NOW. I feel as if something is holding me firm as if I can’t move…inexplicable.
I just had a message about a business concept I have been looking at. Yesterday in a tiny moment of strength I called about information on it. Now I feel like I just am not ready. But I must. I need to work, I have a job to go to (they are still open to talks but I have not been well enough, I don’t know how much longer they will wait for a decision, no income coming in right now I m almost completely broke) but it is not what I want. I have a good brain when it is functioning well I know I want to work for myself and times now I try push myself towards action but that invisible weight keeps holding me down, it just won’t budge.
I booked myself to see the Dalai Lama a couple of weeks ago. He is here tomorrow. It is something I have always wanted to do, hear him talk in person. It means I must go out there, right now I don’t know how but I will do it. Life goes on, you must function. You must be part of things. You must not give up. You must earn money to live, you must eat, you must do what you can to keep a roof over your head…YOU MUST YOU MUST YOU MUST…..my head is spinning again and my heart is aching…when will this end?