It is highly unorthodox to be going through all of this and expose it so publicly, but that is the way the world is going with the internet everything is there for all to see, (particularly Kardashians! Yes I have a bee in my bonnet about them and how they make millions from selfies, nudity and just being themselves openly and publicly. I still can’t quite wrap my head around the concept, although I am getting there!). However, I think in some ways it is helpful to be vulnerable. It opens you up to complete honesty with yourself. It holds you accountable. Exposing fear allows you to reveal and feel it and then the strength of it dissipates and you feel freer. Most of the time.
It was good to see my psych yesterday, I find I am able to discuss some of the deepest darkest issues with her and she puts things into perspective in a rational way. I am completely irrational about certain things at time. Especially lately.
The morning started off OK, I woke feeling good and no fear about having to go out the door and amongst people. There was no pining or remembering shithead…D’OH, just did, in thinking I hadn’t thought about him I did think of him arrrggghhh but I got over that quickly. Unfortunately, this morning he is back, but I think I know why and will explain later.
I had time to kill before my appointment so I had a late breakfast in the cafe near her office and found her there with her colleagues, no problems, we gave each other a big wave and smile (later she told me that that was a good thing, that she has been sitting at the cafe before and her client having seen her there has gone out of their way to go to another cafe because they have felt uncomfortable seeing her outside of the session…how weird is that? She often tells me she’s seen much worse than what I can throw at her. That I believe!). I went and sat at the back of the cafe and read my book “Taming the outer child” by Susan Anderson and ate. Feeling more normal is starting to come bit by bit.
It helps knowing that my psych has been there. In a bad place, she has revealed and I know it’s true because she can express an understanding of certain feelings that only someone who has been there knows. Empathy means alot. It was something Narc shithead had absolutely NONE of. To this day I can’t fathom that there are people who are incapable of empathy, what are they, Robots?
Unfortunately my feeling normal only lasted into the first 5 minutes of my session with the psych and then for some reason stuff came tumbling out again. Perhaps because I hadn’t seen her for a while. I had felt strong and without tears at first and then I bawled, about all of the issues that seem to be tormenting me concurrently often and still.
I expressed a confusion to her, why? Was I again all of a sudden back here. I had been feeling ok the last couple of days. She said it was normal, I had broken everything down and was systematically trying to clear things out completely and it was still going to take time to rebuild. Particularly with new constructs. A new way of thinking. It’s a process.
But I needed to come out of my comfort zone in every way. In addition to going through this, this time without the aid of anti-depressants after 17 years of use she felt was incredibly brave. I said “Brave or stupid?”. She simply said “you made a choice and you have stuck by it”.
I keep waiting to prove myself right.
So after the session and I was feeling and looking worn again she said to me ‘Don’t go home and to bed. Do something nice for yourself, get a massage, have a nice lunch, go see a movie’. I knew what she was getting at but when you feel that way you just want to curl up into a ball, in bed and shut everything out.
But I didn’t. I went out. Had a meal and some wine (yeh, I know!) and had a lovely long conversation with an elderly lady for a while that I met along the way. I love the wisdom older people impart. Their view of the world and things, often ignored these days sadly.
Her simple view about many things, including him I so wished I could follow. How does one’s thoughts and mind become so complicated and chaotic. Simple seems so good to me, I want to grasp that.
It was ok, the day. But then I had more wines and later had a talk to a dear friend (my guardian when Joe and I met) on the phone and because he knew ‘him’ I started to tell him more about what happened when I was over there and then bawled again. My poor friend. He was so patient. Even he could not work out how different this man had been from the one we met years ago. He could not work out why he did the things he did, behaved the way he behaved and could so nastily cut off. I needed to talk about it although I hate to keep reliving it but somehow this experience has really worn me down and cut me to the quick. It is 3 and half months and I still can’t let it go, there are so many unanswered questions and it is that that does not allow me any peace. Although I am working hard to try forget it, remove and cut it off.
No closure. It is torture. I so feel for people who are still imprisoned in their narcissists world. It is very hard to get out even when you do get out….I have to stop writing now…I’m feeling Yuk…