I need a lobotomy….or a good stiff..drink..diary of a madwoman…

Finally the damned flu that floored me for what feels like two weeks…can’t be bothered counting, is going. I’ve been holed up in my psycho prison again and just when I thought everything was getting better and I was moving forward my brain has latched on to the one thing I should totally forget…for posterity…forever.

I’ve avoided writing because I felt it would go within a day or so I believed it would.  I am being light about it at present but I feel a despair about why I can not seem to let this thing go for any semblance of time. Why all of a sudden am I back thinking constantly about him, wanting so desperately to hear from him, wondering how he is. IT IS PATHETIC. It is soul destroying and I feel like I am losing my mind.

What made it infinitely worse is that I wrote to him, after managing no contact for a reasonable period of time. It has been four months since he wrote to me and since I left him. The catalyst who brought me to my knees, physically and psychologically, what did I expect; a declaration of undying love and an apology for the pain and suffering caused.

I am considering self admittance to a psych ward at the very least or a partial lobotomy…but fuck it maybe I will have to settle for a good stiff drink….

I can have a good…stiff….the younger man I have just started to see now and then is wanting to catch up. I don’t want him right now I want ‘HIM’ but the ironic thing is I know he could not give me what I hold as a fantasy in my brain…he is just not capable on so many levels. Loving him is painful.  I have seen it first hand…experienced it. What is this that is going on in my head?

How can there be so many good steps forward and then a million back? Why did I ever look back in his direction over a year ago….why did I? Why did he? And what is it about him that I can’t let go of…..I’m losing it…..it hurts…


Come out of the comfort zone she says…brave or stupid…

It is highly unorthodox to be going through all of this and expose it so publicly, but that is the way the world is going with the internet everything is there for all to see, (particularly Kardashians! Yes I have a bee in my bonnet about them and how they make millions from selfies, nudity and just being themselves openly and publicly. I still can’t quite wrap my head around the concept, although I am getting there!).  However, I think in some ways it is helpful to be vulnerable. It opens you up to complete honesty with yourself.  It holds you accountable. Exposing fear allows you to reveal and feel it and then the strength of it dissipates and you feel freer. Most of the time.

It was good to see my psych yesterday, I find I am able to discuss some of the deepest darkest issues with her and she puts things into perspective in a rational way. I am completely irrational about certain things at time. Especially lately.

The morning started off OK, I woke feeling good and no fear about having to go out the door and amongst people. There was no pining or remembering shithead…D’OH, just did, in thinking I hadn’t thought about him I did think of him arrrggghhh but I got over that quickly. Unfortunately, this morning he is back, but I think I know why and will explain later.

I had time to kill before my appointment so I had a late breakfast in the cafe near her office and found her there with her colleagues, no problems, we gave each other a big wave and smile (later she told me that that was a good thing, that she has been sitting at the cafe before and her client having seen her there has gone out of their way to go to another cafe because they have felt uncomfortable seeing her outside of the session…how weird is that? She often tells me she’s seen much worse than what I can throw at her. That I believe!). I went and sat at the back of the cafe and read my book “Taming the outer child” by Susan Anderson and ate. Feeling more normal is starting to come bit by bit.

It helps knowing that my psych has been there. In a bad place, she has revealed and I know it’s true because she can express an understanding of certain feelings that only someone who has been there knows. Empathy means alot. It was something Narc shithead had absolutely NONE of. To this day I can’t fathom that there are people who are incapable of empathy, what are they, Robots?

Unfortunately my feeling normal only lasted into the first 5 minutes of my session with the psych and then for some reason stuff came tumbling out again. Perhaps because I hadn’t seen her for a while. I had felt strong and without tears at first and then I bawled, about all of the issues that seem to be tormenting me concurrently often and still.

I expressed a confusion to her, why? Was I again all of a sudden back here. I had been feeling ok the last couple of days. She said it was normal, I had broken everything down and was systematically trying to clear things out completely and it was still going to take time to rebuild. Particularly with new constructs. A new way of thinking. It’s a process.

But I needed to come out of my comfort zone in every way. In addition to going through this, this time without the aid of anti-depressants after 17 years of use she felt was incredibly brave. I said “Brave or stupid?”. She simply said “you made a choice and you have stuck by it”.

I keep waiting to prove myself right.

So after the session and I was feeling and looking worn again she said to me ‘Don’t go home and to bed. Do something nice for yourself, get a massage, have a nice lunch, go see a movie’. I knew what she was getting at but when you feel that way you just want to curl up into a ball, in bed and shut everything out.

But I didn’t. I went out. Had a meal and some wine (yeh, I know!) and had a lovely long conversation with an elderly lady for a while that I met along the way. I love the wisdom older people impart. Their view of the world and things, often ignored these days sadly.

Her simple view about many things, including him I so wished I could follow. How does one’s thoughts and mind become so complicated and chaotic. Simple seems so good to me, I want to grasp that.

It was ok, the day. But then I had more wines and later had a talk to a dear friend (my guardian when Joe and I met) on the phone and because he knew ‘him’ I started to tell him more about what happened when I was over there and then bawled again. My poor friend. He was so patient. Even he could not work out how different this man had been from the one we met years ago. He could not work out why he did the things he did, behaved the way he behaved and could so nastily cut off. I needed to talk about it although I hate to keep reliving it but somehow this experience has really worn me down and cut me to the quick. It is 3 and half months and I still can’t let it go, there are so many unanswered questions and it is that that does not allow me any peace. Although I am working hard to try forget it, remove and cut it off.

No closure. It is torture. I so feel for people who are still imprisoned in their narcissists world. It is very hard to get out even when you do get out….I have to stop writing now…I’m feeling Yuk…

Cliched but true….where’s the accent aigu on my damn keyboard bloody HP…

Accent aigu is the little comma looking thingy (acute) that sits above the ‘e’ in french words that distinguishes the sound of the e.  What was the point of that bit of useless information? None really. I’m waffling. Actually there was a point to me talking about cliche’s but it has gone completely out of my head for now, bahh… Happens alot nowadays. With this bloody depression my mind is shot. My mind just goes blank all of a sudden. Perhaps its a gift from the 17 years I took anti-depressants because no bastard gave me the option to try life off them. Dunno (Aussie for Don’t know!).

So far it feels like another good day, no pain just numbness. But that may be because I tied one on last night as I intended. Sick of the shit in my head I self medicated with a lovely bottle of Red again. At least there were anti-oxidants!

Unfortunately I broke my no contact rule with shithead and wrote a very short email to say I hope his girl had a happy birthday. And I meant it at the time. I was all liquored up and feeling happy and generous. I even put a link to a song I was listening to at the time Earth Wind and Fire’s “That’s the way of the world” (https://youtu.be/_R2RsP43rmg) I often used to send him songs and things when things were OK. And at the time time I thought I could handle it. WRONG. Bloomin Aussie…mad as a cut snake!

There is a reason for no contact, it’s because you need to cut all ties with your pain and give yourself the chance to heal unencumbered by the hope that they will reply. I knew he wouldn’t (I was discarded disdainfully months ago) but it still hurts. And I did not write it with an expectation of a return, at the time. I should not want to have anything to do with him because if I look at the trail of what happened it is complete BS. And he is a twat of the highest order (Worse than that) and I should be doing an Irish jig that he is out of my life. But. Cognitive dissonance. It’s a bastard.

My inability to rein myself in is a constant battle. It is exhausting. Many would say ‘just do it’ you are behaving like a petulant child, yes, I am. I have no sense of discipline or boundary where love is concerned, I have never felt this way about anyone before, ever. If I want it I want it and I don’t care if I hurt myself in the process. That is not good. It’s death by a thousand cuts psychologically.

Elizabeth Taylor (many young readers will not know who she was probably), yes she who married 8 times including twice to Richard Burton was a love addict. She was a case and a half. But she always maintained Burton was the love of her life until the day she died. They just couldn’t be together. They ripped each other apart physically and psychologically. It was really quite a crazy state of affairs. He was a man prone to raising his fist, he would punch her in rage and yet she remained faithful to him in her heart. Absolutely INSANE.

Why does that happen? I put it down to cognitive dissonance. Terms like that weren’t around in those days, or maybe yes they were Festinger wrote about the theory in 1957. A man ruling a woman was the way it was done years ago. He was seen as Macho unless he couldn’t control his woman. There are still male /female discrepancies, imbalances today. He..used to constantly say to me “I just wish I hadve brought you back to the States with me 30 years ago”, it became like a mantra. And I sometimes think what he meant by that was that he could have molded me to what he wanted because I was still young then. I remember once he said ‘I often wonder if I did (if had have made love to me when I was 16) would we still be together today’.

Oh yes, his words were potent to me. They still linger. I love and hate him at the same time. I am sick.

Exposing myself and my stupidity publicly is the only way I know right now to try help myself. I could phone a friend, but there are many reasons I don’t. One is I hate admitting I am still in the same place as I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that. That is depression as well as the fallout from him. Groundhog day.

Days with bits of sunshine here and there, some days of hope and then….

The dance..the limit…and on it goes

Most normal people have limits and boundaries. I hate saying ‘normal’ because that is quite a generic term and really who was it who defined normality in the first place? Where did the term come from and what does it really mean. Most define it as not abnormal, conforming to standard and an approximate average. Do we really want to be average? I know I don’t. I know I am not.

It has been a struggle these last months. A constant dance of sadness, despair, heartache, feelings of loss and isolation and then periods of mind numbness and nothingness. And then periods of anger, resentment and frustration at myself, at him, at my parents, my sons illness and other things but mainly the first three. Aside from having him in my thoughts all the time until recently this time forced me to deal with other things I had long buried in the closet and it was sealed. Throw a hearty bout of depression on top and boy…whacko.

As I said, most have limits and boundaries. I realised that mine weren’t where they should be thanks to my dysfunctional childhood. That after my spiel of 2 days ago where it almost seemed as if he had finally gone out of my head he returned again yesterday and so did the tears. When I woke yesterday I felt so bereft because he was there again when I had thought ‘finally’ he had gone. I had tried everything. But the impulse was so strong yesterday. So I levered myself out of bed determined not to spend the day there and went to the gym for the first time in ages. It wasn’t easy but I did it.

And for a while it felt OK. But the problem was I went there almost everyday for months to get my level of fitness and health better over the time leading up to going and seeing him in the U.S and also had the added benefit of losing 15 kilos (33 pounds). And that had stuck with me. He was there the entire session even though I tried to fight it and even as those marvelous endorphin’s kicked in. By the time I got home I was in tears, I wept. How could someone pervade every aspect of my life, my every thought and breath? So profoundly.

I am not a well puppy. The level of cognitive dissonance is alarming and completely psychopathic (Psychopathic can also mean a failure to learn from experience). I am aware of it but I can’t seem to stop it for long.

It comes and goes more now but yesterday was difficult. My sleep should have been better last night after exercise but it was dream riddled and broken. And my first thought this morning was that it is his daughters birthday today (in Australia it is, it is the 10th August) and I wanted to wish her well. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is just the timing. 1 year since we first reconnected and all this bullshit began…the dysfunctional dance.

I know I shouldn’t but I so want to have a drink today to distract myself. No it’s not a habit, but some days it would be easy for it to be. I need music as well…just to forget for another day…

This song is going through my head https://youtu.be/qaGLIKQl8Ag – THE KING IS DEAD by Go West

I think I will finish this later…