Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx

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Are we there yet? A change of view…

I am counting down the days and minutes for this damned year to be over. It has been, to quote our regent “an annus horribilis”, well most of it anyway. I wonder was it just me or did this year seem just slightly more ghastly than usual?

Although I can say with all truthfulness and gratefulness that the lessons learned and the growth I have experienced this year has kind of counterbalanced that yukkyness of the year. And hand on heart I feel that I have emerged a better person for it and my outlook on the future not as bleak and negative irrespective of current challenges.

There are days still lately that I feel like things are just hanging in suspended animation and I am like a marionette hanging in the closet waiting for the puppet master to take me out onto stage of life and see how this plays out…..the clock ticking…ironically I can here the clock in the hallway ticking right now. It seems quite loud.

I am waiting on a response from my job interview last week, they said they would decide by today. I have applied for others what little there is at his moment in time and time of year. Waiting.

I had a long phone conversation 2 nights ago with “the good one”, yes, the one I let go of a week or so ago. He seemed at the time not to know what to say or do but appeared happy to receive my message of  “I bought ‘Evie’ parts 1,2 and 3 by Stevie Wright (an Aussie rock legend from the Easybeats and solo work who passed away boxing day sadly) and am playing it full blast and it made me think of you”, you see we both love the same music genres and era’s and when we spent time together it was often kissing and making love and jamming in the nude (with him playing guitar, music on and me singing sporadically) and it was always very enjoyable, easy and fun.

So after my message he called me and we spoke for hours. And that was nice. But once again I feel like I am…waiting…kinda…

And my sons and I had an awesome Christmas lunch and afternoon together, those days I treasure and hold dear to my heart. Memories to be cherished because his brother and I are trying to make use of the time we have left with my eldest son, this bloody disease….I will not say ‘waiting’ again because a part of me still refuses to believe we will lose him even though this year he has degenerated more than before and it is very painful to watch as a mother because you just want to take away his pain and burden and when you can’t….well it is …..beyond description how it feels….

I am about to go to the gym, the one constant that ironically the Yank Joe (narcissistic wanker) got me started on over a year ago and is now my savior from a health and psychological perspective. The effect of it for me has been far greater than all the years on anti-depressant meds which I now realise I never really needed long term and am damned sure will never again. That has been a positive from this year. The emergence from a psychological ‘coma’ of sorts, and the awareness that I had within me all that I needed to rise above the merde of years gone by let alone this year….not so horribilis:)

So this year has been a gift of sorts. I think when you start to see it from a different view and realise that the things that have hurt you or caused you pain have a hidden gift then you start to feel a well of strength you didn’t know existed. It isn’t easy to say ‘thank you for my pain’, but when you survive and move past it life seems that much sweeter somehow and promising…

That is how I choose to go into this New Year…with a different view….

Love and whitelight xx

Expectations…

This time of the year I wish I was living in America or Europe, where they really get into the spirit of the holiday season. Where each day prior to Christmas is counted down with excitement and people seem generally uplifted irrespective of the craziness going on around us. Here, not quite the same. Sometimes I feel the Aussie spirit has waned and I guess it is a different look here at Christmas because we are usually walking around with shorts and bathers on because it is summer and somehow all the depictions of Santa and his reindeer in snow scenes seems a tad odd.

We are almost at the end of the year. 13 days til Christmas eve, 20 til New years eve and by god I can’t wait until it is all over. The last few years I have said “good riddance” to the year that has been and predicted how wonderful and different the coming year would be and I have been wrong each time (with the exception that my beautiful son is still with us and that is truly a blessing). Negative? Perhaps a little but true, sadly.

This time of the year alot of us have expectations.

I just wrote a whole paragraph of words here and when I read it back I realised that I was being ungrateful and bellyaching so I deleted it and started again.

Reality is that it has been another tough year. One of painful lows and few highs yet after everything the most amazing thing has happened.  I started to feel a sense of pride in myself and I have never been proud of me. I have berated myself endlessly more often than not for things that others have done to me..although I allowed it…or that was my way of thinking. I accepted what happened and always took the blame for it and internalised it to such an extent that it was I who did more damage than the damage itself.

Not anymore.

Habits of a lifetime are hard to break but, it can be done. And I have gone a long way towards breaking bad habits in thinking this year and although it sounds trite, when you have spent years as a prisoner of your mind to sever those chains is incredibly freeing.

I will never forget the magnificent ‘high’ I felt as the plane started it’s descent into Phoenix and I knew I was only moments away from seeing the man that had made my heart beat so hard..more than anyone, ever. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 or so years and then had been talking again for the good part of a year prior to me leaving.  The words and conversations leading up to it all and then the feeling of shock and heartbreak that this person was nothing like the expectation he, and even I had created. Alot can change in 30 years.

Ahhh, ‘expectation’; a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. A dangerous state of being because expectation is a high that only leads in one direction most times….a devastating low or disappointment in the least. When people say ‘it exceeded my expectations’ surely the starting point was much lower than it should have been? Is there any use in expectation?

So at the end of this year, instead of creating the expectation of a fantastic year to come I am going to give it up to the universe. In complete faith that what needs to happen will.

I can feel faith and hopeful about the future but I have no way of predicting nor should I waste my time trying. As Doris Day (gosh I loved her songs and movies as a kid, especially Calamity Jane) would say “Que sera, whatever will be will be”.

Now it is one day at a time, doing my best, loving, caring, smiling as much as I can, not looking forward necessarily and rarely looking back, just looking  up! (As opposed to hanging my head down). Accepting the sad times and rolling with it.  Working toward a sense of inner peace I have never known; no, scratch that…..When I hold my sons in my arms..even now great hulking things they are, that is when I DO feel inner peace.

I want more of that. In a world of selfies and selfishness, noise and chaos, it is a hard thing to find. But not impossible, and worth seeking.

So instead of starting the day worrying about finding work, my son’s illness, how am I going to afford the bills coming before Christmas with no income to pay for it, this, that and all the rest of the merde! I will finish this post with some quotes I like. Don’t worry, I am sure (damn sure!:)) I will have more hi-jinx and interesting posts to come (I have been told by some followers that they love my blog and look forward to new posts…for which I am very grateful x), but for today…

“Never say that you can’t do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can’t be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible.

Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or ANY mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”- Mike Norton (Author and US Military Veteran)

“A good half of the art of living is resilience.” Alain De Botton

-OSCAR WILDE

Love and whitelight xxx

It’s human I guess…forward, backward or the same…

It feels like everything is almost at a standstill right now, I can hear the tick tock of the clock in the hallway which tells me it isn’t but as I look out at the garden from my window I am aware of this moment and yet my mind keeps flitting into ‘go’ mode; what next, what should I be doing now, how do I make the most of this time and where am I headed in the future. It’s ridiculous, the mind chatter. I have learnt to be in the moment a bit more and yet I struggle at times to keep the chatter at bay still, it takes practice, persistence and patience.

Realistically, things are almost at a standstill. I am still recovering from flu and a long depressive bout, heartbreak, soul search, life transition…what am I expecting of myself? My life?

On the up side I met with my company yesterday, my boss and the inevitable HR rep. They were for the most part very welcoming and understanding and we are working on a time frame. It was at times difficult to answer some of the questions without feeling a lump in my throat but I have come to accept that I am still slightly more emotionally heightened as my mind and body tries to regulate and find ‘it’s groove’.

There seemed to be a concern at why I did not choose to go back on medication, as if that would be the answer to all my woes. I am used to this. The lay person and medico’s alike are all for it..with gusto.

I guess that is a common human response these days, if there is a quick fix, a magic pill let’s just do that and get on with it. Who has the time or inclination to do the work on self, unmedicated, why would you?

I do not, agree. My choice is right for me, I know it and if it takes time and the ride is difficult I don’t care the effort is worth it I am already seeing that. There is an undercurrent of strength there that I recognise had not been there before even though I had been told many times I seem like a strong person, I had never believed it until now. That is a big thing for me. Those that have questioned their value in this life will understand that.

So, even though I am forced to semi standstill at the moment I can be conscious of what I need to do to keep going forward and keep working on strengthening my mind and body. I have been invited out to Friday drinks, a farewell to an ex colleague many companies ago. A couple of the girls I stay in touch with and know we probably always will. I really want to go but the antibiotics (yes, I did cave on that one but it was necessary in this case!) have not quite kicked in and I want to be well enough to go back to gym as soon as possible, it is important for my mind.

I will probably have a glass of good red this afternoon and put some good music on, I need my music, it feeds my soul. I did ask the pharmacist and he winked at me and said a glass of red wouldn’t hurt.

‘He’ (Joe the narc) used to say to me that my ‘partying’ (meaning drinking) would be a contentious issue between us. He had very specific ideas on how I should behave and what I should do I came to realise, part of his need to control every aspect. I don’t ‘party’ often. I did not drink at all for the many months we were connected because of his issue with it.

Ironically it did feel good being alcohol free for a long period of time, it helped my mind and body and it also proved I could be. But I now make the decision for myself  and try to self regulate. There is no point in fooling yourself.

I have felt slightly reflective in the last day or two about a number of things including him. But one brought a bit of sadness, a dear friend I have known since I was 8 years old was just married for the first time. We are both 49. They had the ceremony in Koh Samui, Thailand. I love Thailand and Koh Samui.  I have seen photos it looked amazing. She looked beautiful and happy. And I am so glad she is happy, she deserves it.

Somehow, our friendship is not what it used to be. I felt sad that I couldn’t be there with her, she was my maid of honour at my wedding many years ago. I am long divorced. We had some crazy times together as kids like trying to catch fish using canned sardines for bait! Obviously without success!  Over the years I was so involved with my sons especially my eldest and what his neurodegenerative disease would do to him (he was priority and trying to keep my depressions hidden from the boys as they grew up and function on high at all times was difficult but necessary) and she was never really there for that and equally just over a year ago she lost her mum from breast cancer and I wasn’t there for her or really seeing her son (my godson) as he grew up.  I regret that, hers was a friendship that meant alot to me. We still support each other from afar via Facebook with the odd ‘like’ and comment. I am so happy for her she has found a partner for life, I hope it will be for life.

I have come to accept there are things we can’t change, it is past. Friends grow apart, our lives go in different directions, c’est la vie.

In the future I hope to rekindle some of the old friendships that I treasure and perhaps put more into it than I have been capable of until now. Time will tell. Right now an almost standstill, but that is not so bad when you need it…..

Look within..sometimes not the best place to be..serendipities..

In a half sleep in the early hours of this morning, after coughing and spluttering, I heard my little bell go off. The little bell sound on my smartphone which indicates I have email on one of my accounts. These days it is all wordpress, and I am thankful for that, it tells me about the marvelous people who have taken the time to read my waffle and other things, but that bell used to tell me ‘he’ had written again and it took me ages before my heart would stop reverberating in my chest at that sound, anticipation…excited it was him.

Finally, I no longer feel those sensations and response that had become diligent and in it’s own way a ‘little bell’. The body and in particular the brain is so amazing. How it adapts, new neural pathways develop constantly, our responses like fight and flight, it’s ability to regenerate after onslaught, mind boggling.

I am still only a quarter of the way through Susan Anderson’s 2 books, I keep falling asleep after reading for a while because of this damned flu, but the more I go into them the more I say ‘AHA!’. Sometimes you are drawn to the things you need by coincidence or little serendipities that somehow take you there, little happenstances.  I came across her writing by reading blogs. As often happens you read and then you see a link or an honorable mention and you click on it and things just unfold there before you. What an amazing time we live in, worldwide access to information instantly.

We can be more connected than ever and yet there is also a huge disconnect in some ways as we sit eyes focused on our screens. It’s at times mesmerizing, yet isolating. We need to be connected as human beings, we need our clan to provide all the moral, physiological, safety and belonging, love and support.

Often when you are recovering from a broken heart or other relationship breakdown people will say you need time to heal, space and time to look within find who you are and love and nurture yourself.

But I have found that we too often end up turning ON ourselves and internalizing, we blame ourselves for the breakup or why failures in our connections have happened; why did this person not find me worthy of loving, why didn’t I just do more, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be with me, I should have handled things better, should have tried harder…it goes on.

Self esteem, self worth? Yes, but often it’s more than that. We operate out of learned responses from life, like an automaton we react according to the storage of experiences we have consciously and subconsciously and we do what we know and are familiar with and if that comes from a place of many wounds there are layers and layers of data in our brain and body that makes us react to any circumstance that may create more wounds often exacerbating what we are trying to avoid in the first place. Self defeat, self sabotage.

I don’t know if this makes sense to others reading this but it does to me. After what I have just experienced I need to grow and learn and change somewhat (not everything, I have come to like certain things about myself, finally). I know I need a comprehensive approach to lessen the sting and heal the wounds I have carried for my lifetime so far. Re build those pathways, learn new good habits and responses be aware of my ‘triggers’ for depression, be aware as I take on new connections in my life and stop turning inwards on myself and isolating.

I have missed so many wonderful things because they have coincided with a period of depression or I have not had the courage to follow through because of my mind and body’s learned responses. For example flight..I have walked away from good relationships because I’ve felt inevitably it could never work and they would leave me so I’d better leave them first. I truly feel that some of my depressions have been triggered by the inability to cope with what I feel is the inevitably that I will be left on my own again so I go inward and eventually my lack of self worth envelopes me and I no longer feel of use to this world.

I guess I am over simplifying to an extent, but as my mind starts to recharge and I gain more clarity as the days go on I see so much more than I have seen before and I can chose to work with it or go back into auto mode back into the way things were ready for another bout when it happens.

I am grateful for the lessons learned this time around, it was worth the pain.

Tomorrow I meet with my boss about a possible return to work.  I am no longer fearful of going out there and doing that, I am looking forward to it even though I know it will not be a long term prospect. When my contract ends I will hopefully be ready to go it alone from a work perspective, doing what I really want to rather than have to, we shall see.

Days gone by for women my age there would not have been as many options as there are today. Our only limit is ourselves and I’m seriously working on that! Then I am going to the Doctor because I think I may unfortunately need antibiotics to clear up this horrible yuk I am experiencing with this flu as it is not clearing, and nowadays to me any medication is a very last resort. Our minds and bodies are marvelous vehicles that can do incredible things if we treat them right, with respect and kindness.

I have been reading some of the wonderful blogs out there and it has made me realise the amount of talent there is and how much I don’t know about digital publishing and writing but I am coming to really love it and want to learn more. Many are so creative, beautiful poetry and prose, exquisitely produced graphics, photos and written word, it is a joy. And those that are just sharing their stories of survival and moving forward, care for others, inspirational. We can learn so much from each other.

I want to go for a run outside in the sunshine but physically that is impossible right now…arrgghh..mind and body; respect and kindness to equals better health and more smiles!…..Patience grasshopper….:)

Out of hibernation…moving on…the date

I can’t believe it’s been over 3 days since I last wrote. Finally, I am out of the hibernation. I’m not sure about the timing of it as I look back thinking about it, when the change came exactly but it has. And this time it feels more permanent than the few false starts I have had previously. It feels real.

This has been a bastard of a depression. Over 3 months of extreme black, misery and nothingness felt at full force because I did not have medication this time. I’ve been determined not to, it took alot to get over them after 17 years. I went from having my heart demolished to completely breaking down everything that has ever effected me in this life so far. There was work to be done. I am grateful that this time my strength is coming back in such a relatively short space of time, it’s a miracle really. I keep wondering if it will last…but that is self defeating talk…IT WILL LAST…

Only very recently did I finally get an apology from my mother for what she failed to protect me from as a young girl and for leaving me with my tormentor. That was a part of the way towards healing, I needed to hear it…sorry can sometimes be a very powerful word when it is heartfelt.

There have been many things I have been working through this time, things that were never properly dealt with but bit by bit I have been facing the demons, their strength dissipating slowly. There are things you will never forget but you can make the choice to not allow them to conquer you from now on. It’s hard but you can. Like anything, you have to want to, to find the strength in your core and not give in on the fight. I understand that for some that can be quite impossible. I think about some of the famous faces that have gone in the recent past like the marvelous Robin Williams and feel a terrible sadness that he felt compelled to just let go. But I do understand where you have to be to get there.

‘He’ (Joe) no longer has control of my mind either. Finally the chords that bound me to him and all that happened are severed. I have to mention him now because this has been a large part of what I went through. But as I write I feel nothing for him. I have detached. Finally. Hang on a minute…..nope, nothing. I hope it stays that way, I am still a little dubious about this new found sense of freedom I feel. It kinda feels like learning something for the first time.

Maybe it has a little to do with my date night Tuesday. I did accept the invitation of an evening out with my younger man. I am so glad I did. There is something to be said for dating a younger man (oh yes indeedy Demi had it right all along! Well at least for a while:P).

He has more class in his little finger than Joe will ever have and there was no facade (believe me after what I just went through my senses are on high alert for BS, but I will not let that ruin my ability to eventually let another man into my life, if the right one comes, in time, I’m in no rush).

Joe was all facade the tough seemingly successful outer was a cover for a weak, insipid and confused man underneath, quite sad really.

My date was wild and fun and just what I needed. He makes me smile and laugh. He’s quite intelligent, a good conversationalist, open and honest. Has a good career, but not over the top focused or obsessed. Quite an impressive young man, balanced. I know it won’t go anywhere because of our age difference, which is kind of sad but we agreed to enjoy each others company for a while. Even last night he messaged me to say ‘that was a very good night! Thank you’. Yes, It was. He had me thinking of the qualities I really admire in a man which funnily before all this I had never really thought about, really thought about. Strange at my age but true.

I had lunch yesterday with my youngest son for his birthday which is actually on Saturday. We had Japanese food, Sake was involved, well for me it was, my very responsible young son (I am so proud of him) said he was driving back to Uni so he just laughed at me whilst I got progressively Jolly! We always have the best and often animated conversations. I’ve decided that I am going to enjoy myself over the next week or so prior to having the meeting with my boss about a return to work. I only have  another 3 or so months left of my contract of which as I have said I am very surprised that they are looking at having me back for after these long months away. I am baffled, but thankful. And whilst I am finishing those last months I will work towards putting things in place again for the business I was about to start B.J (before Joe). All in good time.

I went on and had drinks with a friend after lunch yesterday and she told me I had to still be patient with and kind to myself. That had come after I commented that I’d hoped I had not had too adverse an effect on my sons over this period. I have always shielded them from the reality usually but this time it was there out in the open. It is hard not to feel selfish about it. I also think that life is very different now in that we get to see more of people’s reality ‘live and on air’ with the internet etc.

I do however feel there are many conversations that need to be had, issues in the open in order to de-stigmatise and bring more compassion and acceptance of the very real experiences that have for many years remained buried. I don’t think my recovery would be anywhere near as effective without the outlet and connect that this blog has afforded me. I admire so many of my fellow bloggers for their courage in sharing their experiences, how else can we really know and relate to one another. There is a strange kind of solidarity.

I did make it to the gym after the Doctor Monday and it felt so much better, not thinking about him so much. I will honor my commitment to continuing it. That and I have recently been adding a change in diet and adding vitamins and high strength fish oil of all things which I had read helps the brain function immensely. My eldest son has been on them for years as part of the ongoing trial of his health. I started them nearly 4 weeks ago, I am truly wondering if they have played their part in my minds recovery also, it seems as if they may have. You need to do whatever you can to move yourself forward, to help yourself.

Today I am feeling very grateful for the many blessing I have in my life…life beyond him…

Ohh dear…at least the sun is out and I’m smiling…

I did it. I got my sorry arse out of this place and went out. My first social gathering in a fair while. After how I felt when I last wrote yesterday I didn’t know if I could do it but a dear friend messaged me to say he was thinking of me and sent hugs and kisses and then he said ‘I hope you go to the party’. She is a mutual friend of ours and he is lives far away and plays in a band in the north of our huge state so couldn’t go. He said say Hi to her for me. I know he was saying’ you must go’. He and I were at high school together, two different ones over those years. I treasure our friendship. Just as I treasure my friend whose party it was last night and why I knew I had to take ‘myself out of the comfort zone’ to quote my psych.

After these last months, it wasn’t easy but I am so glad I did. My beautiful friend’s 50th at a Pub. There was a band playing (I happen to know the lead singer, not well, but my band was around when his old band was one of the best in Perth. He’s a great performer) lots of people were up dancing…including me.

It was very strange when I first got there. I got there early because transport from where I live at present is not good on the weekends and its a long way and I don’t drink drive. I thought I would have something to eat while waiting, in the restaurant and have a glass of wine. Then I sat in the bar area with my headphones on, the bar was pretty busy and it was very loud in there and when you are not used to it it takes a while to acclimatise.

I remember feeling kind of strange. I looked around and people were happy and chatting to each other it was like a lost world to me for a while.

Then two young men came over and wanted to share my table and I said sure. They started chatting to me. As I describe it it seems weird but it was really nice to engage like that again. They were funny and lively. One had only just that day got off a flight back from 6 weeks in Europe (Aussies love to travel). I could see he was still adjusting to the time difference and running on adrenaline. When you first arrive back from a long haul flight it also feels a bit surreal and it takes you a while to adjust. You still feel a bit ‘high’ from your trip. Although arriving home from the States a few months back was a sad affair for me it took me a while to adjust.

His friend kept looking at him and then look at me and shake his head. His friend was so animated. Cheekily he asked me for my phone number to catch up another time. I’m 20 years older than him! It was funny and flattering and kinda obvious. But I switched on. Finally, I engaged. I talked and laughed and bloody well enjoyed it. And all of the things that had me tied up in a sad..depressed ball faded away for a while. It was a good start.

Then I went over to my friends party. They had a special area designated with balloons etc, near the stage where the band was. My friend was so happy that I had made it, she kept hugging me and I her. It’s funny the warmth you feel in a hug from a good friend, its like a beautiful warm coat wrapping you up enveloping you from the cold.

It was a great night. Kinda crazy but really lovely and special. I’m a little tired and hungover today but I am still smiling. I am genuinely amazed at what I am feeling right now but I am glad and grateful.

I did think of him at certain times of the night. Especially when certain songs came on, great classic American songs. I still somehow relate so much to him but it didn’t hurt me this time, I just felt a tad sad, for a small moment. One of the girls at the party also went to our old high school and we chatted about mutual people we knew and wondered what they were doing now. I’m so glad I went.

So now I have to keep this up. Do what I can to stop sinking into that familiar place, build upon it. Today I feel like its impossible not to go forward. I just got a text from another friend. I’m going to answer back now….

The sun is out and I’m smiling…

Come to me, meet me halfway or don’t bother…mercy f#%k..

Ahhh. The sun is shining in the window, I look out at the day and smile (It’s a good day when I smile into the sunshine). I am in the middle of a text parry and thrust (comedic) with a man who seems keen to see me again although I haven’t seen him for a while. I haven’t seen anyone for a while, by choice. He was someone I tried as a distraction when I first got back from the States. I was so desperately heartbroken I tried everything to try relieve my mind of that blood sucking vampire including mercy fuck (Can I write that here? Too bad…outer child just had a tantrum).

He is a nice man. Nice is such an insipid word. But he is nice and funny. He wined and dined me, was a proper gentleman. But ultimately as seems to happen in this day and age (of tinder etc, swipe left, swipe right..not that I’m on tinder!) we did the horizontal mumbo far too soon. It was mutual believe me, after waiting 9 months (and some 30 years previous!!) for “I’ve got the body of a 35 year old (not) and I will make love to you all night (he wasn’t capable)” yada yada BS BS BS…delusional narcissistic freak).

Anyway. He made a mistake this time (the distraction). He said maybe I can find my way to his place (if I don’t want to meet for a meal and a night out) and I laughed and thought “there is no way on god’s great earth that I’m doing that shit again”.  So I messaged back and said “Re: ‘find my way’ to yours I don’t do that anymore. You come to me or meet me halfway or forget it, I’m worth more than that…”. I flew half way around the globe to see the Devil and look where that got me, not going there ever again…EVER.

To his credit, he laughed and joked about the mouthful I gave him first thing in the morning, because he knew where I was coming from, he wanted to talk about my trip etc in the days our friendship started even though I didn’t want to at the time and he was amazing, but I cut him off after a little while because I wasn’t well and I wasn’t ready. Still not. His first name is the same as the devil’s, and he is Sicilian as well and there are other similarities and that does my head in.

But something keeps telling me I have to get back on the horse, or I will never ride again.

I need to re-engage with the world. I need to start going out again and living. Force it, until it starts to come naturally again. I’ve been completely broken.

Funnily enough, I got a delivery today of a book I’d ordered a while back (one of a few). It had to come from the States because realistically there is a severe lack of good knowledge here about mental health, or maybe its just got to do with funding and research and the lack thereof here in Australia. And let’s face it, crazy is on a much larger scale in the U.S! DON’T get me wrong, I love America, I could live there and I definitely will return for holidays there on a regular basis because it is awesome in every way, so diverse. The people still say please and thank you there and ‘Yes, maaaam’…love it.

The book is by Susan Anderson. It’s called “Taming your outer child; overcoming self sabotage and healing from abandonment”. She is a psychotherapist with more than 30 years of clinical experience and research work with victims of trauma, abandonment, grief and loss and a host of other stuff. I have her other book coming “The journey from abandonment to healing” as well. She is based in Manhattan. I love Manhattan. I’ve walked the entire length of Manhattan, what an amazing melting pot of experiences……I digress.

I have been fighting many years of depression, and rotten experiences and circumstances. I found after hitting bottom this time I was the root cause of my problems because I have allowed myself to be led by my circumstances. No amount of psychotherapy by someone else will help if I don’t try to help myself and work from within. To wait for others to fix me I may as well get back on the antidepressants and wander around like a zombie for the rest of my life and stay mediocre and accept everything everyone else throws at me and don’t bother ducking for cover. Just give up. I can’t do that, I won’t.

I want to get to a place I know I can. Break down whatever barriers to entry there are and for fuck sake DO and LIVE and do it and live it well. There’s a girl, there is a fight in the belly again…now to keep it up..keep going forward. Thank god I have a psych appointment tomorrow haha….:)

The dance..the limit…and on it goes

Most normal people have limits and boundaries. I hate saying ‘normal’ because that is quite a generic term and really who was it who defined normality in the first place? Where did the term come from and what does it really mean. Most define it as not abnormal, conforming to standard and an approximate average. Do we really want to be average? I know I don’t. I know I am not.

It has been a struggle these last months. A constant dance of sadness, despair, heartache, feelings of loss and isolation and then periods of mind numbness and nothingness. And then periods of anger, resentment and frustration at myself, at him, at my parents, my sons illness and other things but mainly the first three. Aside from having him in my thoughts all the time until recently this time forced me to deal with other things I had long buried in the closet and it was sealed. Throw a hearty bout of depression on top and boy…whacko.

As I said, most have limits and boundaries. I realised that mine weren’t where they should be thanks to my dysfunctional childhood. That after my spiel of 2 days ago where it almost seemed as if he had finally gone out of my head he returned again yesterday and so did the tears. When I woke yesterday I felt so bereft because he was there again when I had thought ‘finally’ he had gone. I had tried everything. But the impulse was so strong yesterday. So I levered myself out of bed determined not to spend the day there and went to the gym for the first time in ages. It wasn’t easy but I did it.

And for a while it felt OK. But the problem was I went there almost everyday for months to get my level of fitness and health better over the time leading up to going and seeing him in the U.S and also had the added benefit of losing 15 kilos (33 pounds). And that had stuck with me. He was there the entire session even though I tried to fight it and even as those marvelous endorphin’s kicked in. By the time I got home I was in tears, I wept. How could someone pervade every aspect of my life, my every thought and breath? So profoundly.

I am not a well puppy. The level of cognitive dissonance is alarming and completely psychopathic (Psychopathic can also mean a failure to learn from experience). I am aware of it but I can’t seem to stop it for long.

It comes and goes more now but yesterday was difficult. My sleep should have been better last night after exercise but it was dream riddled and broken. And my first thought this morning was that it is his daughters birthday today (in Australia it is, it is the 10th August) and I wanted to wish her well. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is just the timing. 1 year since we first reconnected and all this bullshit began…the dysfunctional dance.

I know I shouldn’t but I so want to have a drink today to distract myself. No it’s not a habit, but some days it would be easy for it to be. I need music as well…just to forget for another day…

This song is going through my head https://youtu.be/qaGLIKQl8Ag – THE KING IS DEAD by Go West

I think I will finish this later…

Finally…could this be? No dignified exit…but if it works

It’s hard to tell right now. I am still in the next morning haze. In fact, it’s entirely possible I am still slightly inebriated. I did not get to bed until after one a.m. Wasn’t pretty. Had to be done. The stomping of that sucker so hard into the ground there would be no coming back from it. There was no other way…I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I’d hit my limit.

And anyway, I needed to treat it in the same way I was treated…with disdain. I’m not usually a tit for tatter but after all was said and done….it just may have worked. There is no compunction.

I’ve written a few times previously with next day remorse. A..at the imbibing! and B..regret that I did the long distance equivalent of a drunken dial..writing an email. BUT. I did not do that last night. I had no urge whatsoever to make contact. In fact I listened to every song that played without any sad memory or pain about him. Every time his imaged dared to peak my mind would immediately replace his with the gorgeous face of my current carrot…the handsome and debonair Aussie entrepreneur…he had to have clout to push the other out of my head (I had read somewhere recently where a woman did that..every time she thought about the ex she would say to herself ‘no’ and she would imagine her new partner to be…and eventually it the picture of her ex would no longer form in her mind). I couldn’t use Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I actually am not attracted to them at all, funnily enough. I’ve never been able to work out what the deal is there, except for the fact that they are damn good actors!

It sounds crazy I know. But the mind is a tricky thing and you need to fight back in whatever way you can…create new pathways. Love sucks, no, let me change that by saying it sucks when you love the wrong person. I dated a handsome frenchman once…it’s true what they say about them! But we had a lot of fun, especially on our trip all around the South of France and his stock standard response to most things was “C’est la vie!”.  Too right.

This whole scenario had almost put me in the ground. It should never have got to where it got to. But it did. It is one thing to be in a bad depression but to be in one with grief from a broken heart, knowing you were deceived in whatever form (I must say..loving a narcissist is one hell of an experience..it really fucks with your mind), through loving the person you thought was the one…I know I’m not the only one who has lost love its an age old story. But something has died….a number of things have…parts of my past also and I needed to grieve it.

Now to work on getting completely out of the overwhelming nothingness I have felt in the last weeks. For the last weeks I have not been able to look forward…if I did..all I could see was more of the same and it scared me. I did not want that. I have never felt so alone and yet I isolated myself….that is depression. You don’t want people to see you failing. And many just do not know what to say to you or how to help. They can’t really. It is up to you and yet somehow it’s not either.

I do feel I am coming out of it finally. I must take it one day at a time I know but perhaps this is it? Please…..