When you’re feeling stuck…the one trick pony..

I’m about to have a brain explosion. I had a bit of a conniption the other night after copious amounts of Dry Dirty Martini, boredom and had a tirade on Facebook. Luckily most of my FB friends are loyal and I think mainly understand where I come from when I do that but then again Facebook these days seems a bit like a lonely wasteland…cue dried prickle bushes blowing in the dusty Arizona desert…or crickets!

I’ve spent all morning on my laptop applying for jobs not just in Perth (Cue crickets again!!) but also in Sydney, yes I have decided that if nothing comes up pronto I will move back East as there are far more opportunities over there and I am going to work on my Biz idea in my spare time as I am still trying to refine and fill a few knowledge gaps. I need an income and there is no way you can survive on welfare here (don’t want it anyway, won’t do that!)

I know I need to be patient, I have only just become well again after a killer depression and an almost PTSD from the Narcissist (sounds extreme but apparently you can develop a form of it from narcissistic injury and I had years of it from my dad too so I came to realise that the obsessive return memories  were part of that and I had to work my arse off to get to a point where they do not haunt me anymore.)  Mum is finally getting better and needing my help less, my son’s illness is always on my mind but I can’t sit and wait for things to just occur. I need to make them happen. Life is too short to sit like a waiting duck……can’t do it anymore..this life has thrown me far too many curve balls, it’s time I start hitting them out of the park!

Sometimes when things seem to be going nowhere it’s hard not to sink into despair. Some of the issues in my life, the derailments stem from things that have been completely out of my control. But there are some things I can.

Right now Perth’s jobs market is bad. The city, is one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it’s heavy reliance on the resource industry makes it a one trick pony. As soon as Mining and resources goes south, as it has now, everything else does. So we alternate between boom and bust but the cost of living pretty much remains on boom because people are greedy here and have no idea about economics. And many then wonder why alot of businesses go bust, unemployment becomes rife and so does dissatisfaction about life here in general. I hate it. But my anchor here has always been my sons, it is so hard to stay here in ridiculously difficult circumstances because you love your kids yet also try make a good life for yourself with a decent job and an affordable place to live and some semblance of a social life. This city is so sprawled it is impossible to catch up with people regularly. Which only adds to the sense of isolation.

Then I struggle with the things I SHOULD do as opposed to the things I want to do, for me, to keep me upright and engaged in life….so after a struggle with that I made the decision to become unstuck by whatever method I must.

Sometimes there is good reason why you seem constantly in reactive mode rather than proactive. You feel overwhelmed and paralysed. You get stuck in fear, negativity and worry and you feel like ‘if only’, if only one thing would change..some chance or opportunity things would become so much better. But the only way you can combat that is to create your own change if it is not happening itself.

I can’t change the events that have occurred it is the past and obsessing too far into the future is a debilitating waste of time. But I can take steps in the now. Focus on what I want and need for my sanity, health and well being. Time to ‘get away from the funk’ .

the arbitrary left of centre…what is this BS?!

oscar-wilde-dramatist-i-sometimes-think-that-god-in-creating-man

It’s been a while since I have written and probably a good thing. There has been a myriad of shit running in my head and mind AND life. Isn’t there always something? I got to a point yesterday again where I felt..ohh shit WHY AM I HERE? Yes it happens still. But less frequently, and I have had many good good days. Isn’t life like that? Up and down. Isn’t that normal?

I am quite inebriated right now, I watched my beloved AFL (Aussie rules football team) get their arse kicked royally today…sadly..BUT at least they got there, to the GF (the Grand final). And they did try but I think we were just too West Australian.

It was almost compensatory in some weird way, it made me happy for a small window of time and made me proud of my city and where I live currently and was born. Aside from that I would prefer not to be here…living in Perth that is.

It’s expensive, parochial, the people, well alot of them, seem to think we are a very special species, exceedingly good at everything, financially secure (at least via credit card and inflated asset values!), smart, gorgeous…there is just a damned attitude here. But I guess when you are the most isolated and admittedly one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you can kind of understand it. The people I used to know, I don’t seem to hold to any commonalities with anymore. It’s not sad, it just is. I just can’t see things the way they do. And that will isolate me more.

I have, as written previously just come out of a difficult time. But it is nowhere near as difficult as others out there. Unfortunately I have found myself feeling ‘stuck’. I now feel stronger and more able to move forward and yet I look around at what is out there…in this vicinity.. and I say to myself…really?

With the change I went through, my psych said “you have pretty much stripped back everything you have known for many years, everything”

It’s true, I feel that. I did recently, out of complete boredom and frustration and slight drunkenness, email and call and leave a message with the narcissist I was in love with. I still see him constantly in my mind. Is that why the medical profession prefer us to take medication? How else do we handle the ridiculous psychological torture from a person that rocks our world so profoundly that we find it hard to see a life without them even thoughw e know they are completely wrong for us and will not give us, are not capable of giving us or any other human being what could be construed as a normal and loving, caring  relationship? Even if they have managed to inseminate someone and produce satanic spawn, not of the poor child’s doing but the very act of producing from two obviously intensely flawed individuals..ie like my parents…egads…what hope has the world?

I am waffling. I know it. And I fully intended to NOT ever write this blog again. It has too many memories of things that I have ‘let go’ or maybe not quite. Originally my intentions were good with this blog, and it did help, but now?

As I keep reading, there seems to be a barrage of good advice and intention to help the world by bloggers everywhere. And that is a good thing too, yet, I still feel substance lacking…maybe its just me.

Anyway, I need to end this right now, I just want to listen to some good music and feel somewhat happy and immersed in ‘culture’, poetry, beauty…for a little while. Or what I can here and in this moment. I have been out alot lately which is a change for me considering my months of relative isolation, depression etc, but it seems to do not alot for me…what? Do I do?

The most isolated city in the world….can’t de-isolate here even if I wanted to! Working through it..

Each day now I wake and even though I still have his face instantly pop into my head I am finding it a little easier to acknowledge; I allow myself to think about the things that still obviously disturb me about the J situation, for a little while at least because I have found that  when you try to shove things away in the cupboard you actually are just postponing the clean out! So I acknowledge, feel and then say OK that’s enough for now onto other things.

It seems to be working and I guess seeing my Psych in a couple of days will offer additional benefit with the things I have opened up but I have to say I am amazed at how much more OK I am starting to feel each day.

I have never recovered so quickly from a real bout of depression which makes me question if I was truly in one this time, but there are various shapes and forms of that beast and I would never make light of the issues I know I still have to deal with to make the big changes, so I don’t keep make the same mistakes. A work in progress but I am grateful for the strength I am seeing in myself and I actually think I am really seeing myself for the first time. At 49 years of age.

Aside from that today there is a party to go to at a very treasured friends house and I have had full intention of it being my first foray out the door finally and into a social situation amongst friends. Went out the other day to the doctor and at that time the process was difficult but as I said since I have been talking to friends remotely and keeping in touch…but not in the physical sense.

I do want to go, I do feel a slight anxiety, but I don’t think that is the real issue here.

I live quite a way out of Perth where transport is a problem (at this point I have no choice because I can not afford the high cost of rent and living any closer to the city and I am by no means the only one as I have said in previous posts). Perth is a vastly sprawled city and many of my friends live in opposite directions of each other and far apart.

Every day going to work (I haven’t for a number of weeks but I will probably commence again very soon) takes a minimum of an hour and a half each way because of distance and lack of transport and every second Monday because of the earlier start I am required to make and at this time of year I stand in darkness at the bus stop and find myself having to yell and jump around wildly almost stepping into the path of the bus in order for the driver to see me. They have driven past before!

Even if I had my car still it would probably not really make a vast difference because people here are forced to drive through lack of good transport and the government keeps allowing and encouraging and forcing (because costs are so prohibitive) people to live further and further away from the city so the bottlenecks of traffic all headed to the one destination each day is staggering and its own set of problems. I find myself peering out of the sardine can that is the train and saying surely this is less uncomfortable than that out there?!

We are the most isolated city in the world, I say City because the criteria for being classed as one is generally in terms of over a million in numbers. We currently have over 2 million people.

In terms of getting anywhere here with ease and less expense you can forget it. And I think it is this limiting factor coupled with the extreme croneyism and outdated and prohibitive rules and regulations that has been part of this cities landscape for many years it makes socialising and being in touch physically with friends and family quite difficult.

I have lived in other cities both overseas and within Australia so I know how it can be and it breaks my heart to say it but everytime I come back here to live I find myself feeling miserable..feeling isolation within isolation on top of everything else.

So we are the most isolated city and are isolated within the city! This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I know I have travelled alot, and may people say we are so lucky to live here but they don’t really see how this place is a prison of sorts albeit a beautiful one.

I am not trying to find more things to be miserable about when I have been supposedly starting to feel better but the frustration I feel with wanting to venture out and do and the logistics involved in doing it seems a very big mountain right now. I am simply existing.

But there are so many so much worse off…..I must remind myself of this…where there is a will there is a way……hmmm?