too low for zero…those frigging groundhogs

Often when going through a depression it is difficult to wake up, you peel one eye open and even if the sun is shining through the curtain, say “oh whats the use?” and if lucky manage to fall back to sleep again. Sleeping is a welcome relief from the negative thoughts and ruminations, the anxiety you feel about having to interact with other humans because often you simply do not want to be anywhere near them, and the thought about how you are going to get yourself through the day. (Mind you that is when you have the semi functioning form of it).

I get a message this morning from a dear friend who tells me he has been diagnosed with ‘cancer of the esophagus’ and I sit for a while..in bed…in shock. I am not sure how to process this. After all it is not me, it is him that is about to go through a very tough journey but hopefully win the fight. I will be as ‘there’ for him as I can be (he is in Sydney and I am in Perth) but I am at present here because as I have mentioned many times because of my beautiful eldest son who is suffering the effect of a degenerative illness with no hope for a cure and at present it has progressed more rapidly than before. Why has this happened to people I love and care about the most. Why does it not happen to the evil bastards out there instead?

I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my boy yesterday and it lifted me immensely. Every moment I get to spend with him is a joy. A temporary relief from the constant feeling of what my psych calls pre-grief or anticipatory grief. Grief comes in many forms. It often accompanies certain feelings of guilt too especially as a parent that your child has this and why is it not you instead. You would give anything for it to be you instead. Or to find a way to make it all go away.

Often lately I just feel either highly emotional or completely numb. But compared to how low I got when I was depressed and yet on medication it seems I can at times still pull out of it for a while. I have been getting myself to the gym in the last weeks trying to lift out of it and gain strength and perspective again. Even going back to my psych for much needed psychotherapy which means I am no longer self medicating as much with alcohol etc. When I drink now I know I will be happy for a little while and then know I will feel low the next day but awareness when you can be helps.

And then into the mix I try relationships, still, even though it really probably isn’t the best time but I figure that this cycle of depression, grief and just general crap has been part of my life wasted in the last few years and am aware that time passes quickly. I dont want to say this next chapter this decade (I felt like my entire 40’s was pretty much a dead loss with the exception of my time bringing up and being with my sons) is also a waste.

So I keep trying. I believe in love.

I am one of those idiots who feels that remaining friends with exes and love interests should be easier than it actually is. I am a communicator, sometimes overly so but that is me. For years I kept the lines of communication open for my boys’ sakes with their father and it worked very well until it became abundantly clear that his new wife was incredibly insecure about it and me and started to cause all sorts of rubbish. Thankfully by that time my boys were grown enough that she could have no negative influence on them and how they are as people. There is a whole chapter on that crazy shit and in all honesty…it ain’t worth the energy.

Then the other night I spoke to a certain someone, after we had mended the fence slightly over the course of a week or so, slowly, and I thought that we could move forward and stay friends at least and then that came crashing down with an almighty bang ending with me hanging up after saying ‘you will not have to the chance to hurt me again’. This time I meant it. For self preservation. This guy was subtle but for me it was death by a thousand cuts.

I seem to be drawn to headcases. The unreachable. It is almost as if I choose these crazy bastards because I am comfortable in the ‘zone of pain’. It feels normal to me. If someone comes to me and is enamoured and gives me too much love and respect I can’t cope and it doesn’t feel right.

I am working on that. As I said I have started going back to my psych because on top of how careless I am with my heart I am not handling many things well. And I know it.

I was so drunk the other night, after my phone call with the above mentioned (I can’t say his codename because he reads and gets very annoyed with me, not that I should care anymore anyway as we will never talk to each other again. I am also annoyed that I let his attitude to my blogging effect my regular writing. I was too concerned about what he would think and that was stupid. Yet another man trying to control me. Never again) I also texted the ‘him’ (yank 1) in ‘life beyond him’ and made mention of how impressed I was with his amazingly large manhood albeit somewhat faulty these days it seemed…are you supposed to harangue a narcissist? Too bad, I did.

Yes I have lost it and at this point in time my care factor is zero. I am as Elton John would say “too low for zero”. (See song https://youtu.be/PjzkGKczRNY).

But in there still is yank 2. We still talk on skype at least once a week, even if not as long as we did and it is his friendship and our crazy illuminated, animated conversations that have helped. He talks me through things with intelligent perspective. He is as off the wall as I. It is sad it is only friendship but it is much treasured.

When will groundhog day cease and things start to make sense.

Love and whitelight xx

Slim pickings…humanity

I’ve been at a loss about how to approach a myriad of things on my mind lately; relationships and dating in middle age (god I hate that classification), depression, life’s struggles, and crazy occurrences. I’ve missed writing my blog regularly, but I’d made a conscious decision not to for a little while because I caused offence to certain persons and that was not my intention. This blog was created for me and my journey and writing real life as a catharsis.

But as it turned out, being public and curiosity getting the better of people my blog was being ‘read’ and some were not very impressed at times! Some, I couldn’t give two hoots about that being the case but others I do care about.

So I have made the decision to retire certain persona for good out of new found understanding and respect.

I’ve read some funny things about dating mid life recently, I guess I was curious taking into account my shenanigans over the last few years. And when I hit 50 and I saw that most of my friends had managed to find a partner and I was still without something good and solid I started to think “my god, I am going to become a crazy cat lady, alone, die alone and they will eat my bones because there will be no one around who actually gives a flying fig” cue violins…bring out the Stradivarius…

And then I snapped out of that.

I am who I am. I like what I like and do what I do (yes sometimes spontaneously and without proper thought) and dont think I should have to apologise for being me. Left of centre and currently without said felines.

I’ve been researching for a possible book or article and also to assuage my curiousness about this mid life dilemma we all seem to go through at some stage and how we interact with each other and just generally the journey of finding love at this time in our lives.

I have noticed that women my age seem to become invisible to men on dating sites who even though they themselves are galloping towards 60 seem to list their preferred partners age at a minimum of 10-15 years younger so in essence their search will exclude attractive and intelligent women like me (LOL) who don’t look or act their age (well I do sometimes!)  ie many mid 50’s men are looking for women in their 30’s or even early 40’s may be considered and won’t even look at someone their own age unless they have a mommy complex where they do look for someone slightly older because they need a ‘nurse with a purse’.

I am here to tell you, unless you have wads of cash in your wallet and are able to sustain a hard on you boys will rarely get a look insee! I see the sheer numbers of hopefuls who state they are a ‘young’ 55 par example. But I sincerely wish you luck!  Then again paradoxically there are some young women who are looking for fatherly figures…;)

The irony is that even though many women are also overlooked and referred to as hormonal and crazy at our age (admittedly partially true) and carrying le baggage,the fact is alot of men this age are absolutely and irrevocably bat shit crazy themselves and going through their own mid life crisis often completely blind to the fact!

It’s hilarious!

It’s hilarious and frustrating. These are some slim pickings I’m afraid!

And what bamboozles me more is that I often find young men are in absolute awe of us young and vibrant looking (!!!) 50’s women and we knock them back because we don’t want to be seen as ‘cougars’ or worse yet MILFS (I bet some aging impotent middle aged male Ad exec coined that phrase trying to be a smart arse).

So the dating dilemma continues. A friend of mine said the other day and he has known me since I was in my late teens “it is going to take someone really special and different to be able to match you. You are unique”. I looked at him quizzically and didn’t know whether to thank him or hit him!  Arrrgghh. I dont have the energy for this dance at present. Well, today at least.

I spent precious time with my dear sons yesterday, my eldest seeming to struggle to stop the jerking movements that have resurfaced as the botox shots start to wear off and his tongue protruding out of his mouth stopping him from being able to talk and eat properly. (To recap; my eldest son has a rare neuro-degenerative disease N.B.I.A and it has progressed more rapidly this year sadly). There were times I thought he would jerk out of his wheelchair or tip it and some sad ignorant woman decided to pass comment on him controlling his tongue. It happens alot. Many do not understand. How could they.

But his brother and I managed to make him laugh (even that is becoming a choking risk now) with our mother-son comedy routine. Its those times that I cherish the most. Limited but they give me the greatest sense of peace.

After they left the restaurant I took myself out for a few drinks because I needed to numb the feeling that I just wanted to cry and at the same time scream ; ‘why is this happening to my boy?’ (I know we are not alone in tragedy in this world and there is worse but I cant help it).

Unfortunately, after many drinks I did find myself crying on the long train journey home and yet a lovely young man (probably my son’s age) came up to me and asked if I was OK and asked if he could give me a hug and said ‘I am here to talk to if you need to’. I was so grateful for his humanity and kindness, there is still some out there. But I was also mortified at my public display of pain. Its unusual because I usually do that in the privacy of my asylum.

I guess that is why I focus so much on love. It distracts me from the profound sense of loss I feel so deeply lately. But I need to pull myself out of it. Get on with life in the best way I can.

I think an afternoon of good music and wine is in order. Love and whitelight xx

Unbridled truth…

Credit – You Tube Yellowbeard..Brilliant!

Tonight I offloaded a tad on Facebook. But it was only the tip of the iceberg. And in my most wondrous state I felt it only right that I enunciate my complete fucked offness with absolutely everything. Yes, could be construed as negative but sometimes speaking your mind is very cathartic. And sometimes, it just needs to be said.

After watching the debacle..I mean the debate with Chump I mean Trump and Hillary and wondering how one of the worlds most influential and powerful countries could allow an idiot like Trump to get as far as he has…or even be considered in the race I was gobsmacked.

I then decided I needed to get out of the house and my little self created asylum so I went to the casino…ohhh dear..

I was marched out of the Casino (Crown Perth) tonight (apparently I had imbibed a tad too much! No more than usual in my estimation but a young 20 something (!) seemed to know better and thought that my wonderful exuberance was far too much for that little black duck). Oh yeee of little personality. I can;t help that I am slightly theatrical, musical by nature…

Why was I there you ask? Yes, true I rarely go out these days lately. But, unfortunately in this one horse town a person of my age has really nowhere else to go, particularly when you dont have friends, as such (years of living elsewhere and also having an unwell child that although people would say “oh dear that’s no good” no one really gave a flying fig or bothered to ask you to join them or came to see you. Or maybe I was just too darned exuberant for their liking!!), really here in this town if you dont have much to offer you are persona non grata; you need to drive this car, live in this area, work in an acceptable job/career, earn a reasonable amount of money or be perceived to. hang out with the right people etc etc. Or else you hang around with the feral element who take drugs and drink copiously and crack you in the face without reason (tried that, doesn’t work for me somehow!). There is no in between.

Basically, I was worthy of attention tonight…Quel excitement!. Now this is not someone who dresses dowdily or looks completely like the locals do. I dress with certain pride and even if I say so myself look quite spiffy most of the time (I do wear Armani jeans par example or Ralph Lauren or many other wonderful labels albeit casual because in this shithole of a town there is nothing to dress up for and most of the locals would not recognise Armani if it hit them in the face!)!! And being quite practiced at inebriation lately it takes a hell of a lot for me to do as Yellowbeard does ie: https://youtu.be/iAbou95lCd4…ie Stagger, stagger, crawl crawl..stagger…crawl…ooops

And I didn’t..stagger etc. As I said. I quite hold my equilibrium well.

But I have to say, I found it hard today, yet again to reconcile why the bloody hell I am still living in this bastard of a place of no work, no personality or soul, unjustifiably high cost of living, stupendous lack of decent transport system and general ferality and classlessness. This is the one of most isolated cities in the world, very beautiful coast and pretty city, but no soul, no vibe, no….rhythm or prospects.

And then I had to to pull myself up by the bootstraps and say; you are here for your sons, even though early 20’s now, my eldest is very unwell and I can’t in all good faith leave him. So I stay in purgatory.

I had a great chat with Yank 2 earlier this week, another marathon and wonderful laughs and cerebral chat about the cosmos, life and everything in between. God I could imagine us being two oldies on the porch asking about the hole in the bucket dear Henry dear Henry..

But what I have been fighting is this constant thing in my head the last few days. That…man..the italian, the not so good one, for some reason keeps popping into my head at times and I keep saying NO..every time his name pops into my head but it keeps appearing here and there and even though I am completely fecked off with him and really cant see the point I cant seem to stop the ruminating about him. Sometimes, I think about the good times we had..what little there was but it was good and wonder how we got to where we got to..angry and hating each other. And. The end. Full stop.

Why does our brain make a mockery of the truth and only bring up mostly the good things over time and force us to ignore the bad…when there were feelings involved with a person.

Its not as bad as Narcissistic Yank 1, Joe or ‘him’ in the life beyond him, and that took me nearly 2 years to get over. But I am coming to realise I did ‘feel’ something for him. I guess that will fade in time, I thought it had but for dome darned reason this week…I guess..like Joe..time will help it to properly fade into nothing.

I am completely fascinated with the mind, the brain, our thought processes. And love and relationships. Right when you think you have wisdom and experience something happens and you realise you really know nothing at all.

I know I did not look at anyone this afternoon whilst out and that is not like me, I at least look. My roving eye is cured for now. I dont have the energy for it.

Maybe as Yank 2 said to me once “if you can find yourself an island of content, not one permanently cut off from others, we need others, but have that island at least, there is peace in that”. God I love his poetic soul! And he is right.

Now coming out of the black I need to find that island. Need to do things that feed my soul.

Right now I need to sleep…its 12.30am… later

Love and whitelight xxx

Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

Gutless and the not so good one

Now I know what I would look like with a good dose of lip fillers. Won’t be doing that, its not a good look.  I am finding it hard to believe what unfolded last night and today I am contemplating whether or not to stay in this one horse town where I have had nothing but sadness and pain. Leaving my sons especially my eldest is just unbearable knowing this disease has progressed as it has but my life is a mess and seems hopeless right now.

A very gutless male hit me in the face last night, and my lips are swollen and part of my face. I knew I should not have responded to his constant badgering me to catch up and ‘party’ but by late yesterday and feeling sad about what transpired with ‘formerly known as the good one’ during the week and feeling lonely I caved in and went. Stupid move.

His son was being pummeled by a so called ‘mate’ in the front yard (yes grown ups apparently) and I intervened to try stop it, someone called the police in the meantime and then when I went back inside after they had arrived drunk Chevvy guy walked up and cracked me in the face for no reason. Only thing I can think of is that he did not want me talking to the police. The police saw my fat lip and face asked me if I wanted to press charges but I was too much in shock and so they continued on and eventually took me home in the back of a paddy van, treating me like a common criminal. It all unfolded so fast I am still trying to work out why that gutless bastard hit me. But hit me he did, I just wish I had the good sense to punch him back, I would usually irrespective of him being 6’2 ft tall and a bikie looking character. Not advisable I know but I have never not fought back in my life…last night I didn’t.

Then after texting ‘the good one’ (formerly) he called me back and I explained what happened and he seemed to just get angrier and angrier but not at the man that hit me, no sir re bob he was angry at me; for going out with another man, talking to the yank (2) again and so much more that my head spun but ultimately the lack of compassion and care was blinding and I finally realised that he too may be a form of narcissist and that he never really gave a damn in the true sense of the word. I was just there for when he felt like it it seemed.

During the week I had discovered that I had not properly removed the block on my phone of his number from the previous week and his texts had not been coming through. I had thought he had simply decided it was over and until I had discovered the texts I was fine with that. But I saw in his responses that he was somehow strangely more involved than he let on, he seemed to be very perturbed that I was seeing other people (even though we had called time and he had pretty much made no effort to see me recently) and particularly not happy that I had reconnected with Yank 2 and was skyping him regularly again as friends. He did not seem to believe we were just friends and was very annoyed that I had any male ‘friends’ at all. Pretty much told me women should confide in their women friends only which is what I do from time to time but I have male friends too and he told me ‘he was not comfortable with that’. Things were always on his terms.

It was a weird kind of time with him. The hot and cold, the not wanting to commit yet not being happy that I see other people and always finding fault with something. But last night was the final straw, he was so angry, we both swore at each other although he said I swore at him only and he hung up on me and basically told me to never call again. Seriously, there was shades of Joe’s moves in that man. I wonder if it is an italian male thing. But I realised finally that I could not be with a man who didn’t have the care or strength to be a man in all the proper ways and for him to turn what happened to me around when I felt most vulnerable and use it as a cowards way to disconnect…unforgivable and sad. I dont think I ever really knew him at all.

Two down. Never again.

So here I sit nursing my wounded face and pride. Tired, beaten in so many ways. I can’t skype my friend in Chicago tomorrow I dont want him to see my face like this although I know I would get more support from him than I ever had from the italian.

I can’t seem to pick good men as far as the relationship kind goes, I don’t seem to be able to read them properly. Are there any real good ones out there? The upside in all this is that I have no feelings left whatsoever for Yank 1/Joe. He haunted me for a long time. But no more.

I am not sure what to do now with anything. I fought to not spiral into a bad depression this last month or so, not in the best way (anaesthetising myself). A lot of the factors that lead to me feeling down again have not gone away. It has been relentless. Right now I can’t find the strength to move on and make some decisions it all seems like groundhog day and I am very tired of it all.

Universe, I have had enough, I need your help…..please

The Fat lady is singing…

How can it be 4 seasons in one day? Oh believe me, in my world it is entirely possible. I feel a tad like Carrie Bradshaw, no not intentionally for attention grab but because I am finally starting to get certain answers to the mystery of love and relationships after so long (although if you think you have all the answers…ohhh lorrd…). She would write about the idiosyncrasies of sex and relationships in New York and just in general.

At this moment I am absolutely shatfaced (British expression for ‘off my face’) and should not be writing. But the binge and purge continues. Things just aren’t right at present on many levels and yet there are still some surprisingly good.

The yank (2 in Chicago, on skype to me today for hours as we have over weeks now again) inspired me when he said in a pondering stare into the abyss and after I observed “my darling you seem very pondering right now?!” Lol. He said “I am thinking about giving it all up and writing”. That was unexpected because even though he is much more creative and extremely intelligent than I and I also want to just drop out and write, he is still very attached to the ethos..honest earning..on the treadmill.

‘Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself’

‘A non writing writer is a monster courting insanity’

-Franz Kafka

I said “is everything alright?” meaning can I take your temperature? ha

He was more inebriated than me (with the time difference it was the early hours of the morning in Chicago for him but he works night/am shifts so it works and keeps the schedule on his days off) and had been out in the wonderful Chicago energy. I have been there, I know.  We have the most tremendous ‘thinking’ conversations. The connect is palpable. But he seemed serious, and we discussed it and other questions of the cosmos…

He has been there, over this tough time. Could have ran again but he didn’t. I appreciate the friendship, but its more than that. And he came back.

And then there is the Yank 3, whom I have spoken with every day since we reconnected. He is funny, and interesting and as we started to reconnect I realised that there was a nice energy between us. At a strange time he has been there too. And he came back. I am glad. He has managed to take my mind away from…all of it..mostly.

And the Chevy guy from past. We spent a bit of time together in the last fortnight, as friends but just partying and getting over our issues. He nearly lost his business recently in this ridiculous melee that is our economy here in Perth. He messages regularly, and again tonight when I apologised that last night I didn’t respond because I had seriously cried myself to sleep

Not about the good one..the Italian’, there are things worse at the moment although having feelings for him he has been exhausting and emotionally draining (because he is hot, cold and often far self interested) Chevy guy as said “I did too funnily enough” Cry and fall asleep last night (this guy is 6’2 and looks like a bikie!!) although he is actually a sensitive soul.

But the “Good one” has haunted me on and off this last week or so and I still don’t understand why considering, he re engaged and then disengaged again. That seemingly endless cycle and I felt our connect had finally seemed to dissipate but it was hard and sad because he was tangible. He was here, in this country, and semi present and at times it felt real. But I came to realise that he had never really called over my difficult time to say ‘are you OK?’. How is your son going?’ and times we spent together were always squashed between his time, when it was convenient. Not because he really wanted to see me. Took me a while to accept that.

It is only after you start to wake up and the emotions turn from love to disappointment and reality that you recognise what a profound waste of time it all was.

Much earlier this afternoon I started on Cosmopolitans and progressed thereafter, wines and …..

At this moment I dont give a flying feck who reads this. I know that public is public. And no one should ever assume the extent of one’s troubles.

Part of the descent of my ‘relationship’ with “the good one” was that he started to read my blog. Read, not understand, and respond. “just read your blog, dont call me again”. “you seem to have enough guys to go on with””did you sleep with him?” yada yada.

My response although I didn’t say it, was; you don’t want me but its not OK for me to get on with my life.

I messaged him tonight, no courtesy to respond. It is sad but I accept it.

I know people come into our life for whatever time and reason. I am just unsure why he was ever there…sex? Is that all? Over the time we spent together?. That seems so crass and yet so common.

Finally the fat lady is singing. Its time on a waste of time it seems.

And yet, there is in endings new beginnings….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

The morning haze…

I could do with more sleep right now. I feel…numb. I remember the $100 cab ride home from the Casino last night was emotional, poor bloody cab driver. I asked and with respect he kept quiet the whole long journey. I cried all the way home. I remember watching the white line that marked the edge of the road and how detached from everything I felt.

I had just text ‘the good one’ and simply said ‘goodbye’. That particular goodbye was not anything to do with what I eventually felt when I got home and continued to drink, feeling very very low and despondent. Instead of uplifting I had sad music on and downed several more whiskeys. I had been drinking most of the day. I remember referring to it as I chatted to someone I knew at the Casino as my anesthetic, my pain killer. I knew better but I just needed to forget yesterday, its just how I felt.

I wrote about how I felt last night late because in a macabre way I was also fascinated and wanted to verbalise how sometimes in a an almost split second you could feel such relief in the thought of letting go for good. I have actually been suicidal before and it was much more calm, sober and calculated than that and that was a real attempt. Last night was just a fantasy. Dangerous but real. But it was fleeting, because no matter how alcohol hazed I was my mind is much stronger now than its ever been, even without antidepressants and even with the shit flying everywhere. I owe it to my boys not to give up. They are my anchor to this earth.

In a strange turn of events not long after I posted that blog post I get a text from ‘the good one’; “I just read the blog you were telling me about, never contact me again”. I hadn’t written anything else for hours after I had sent the goodbye text, I hadn’t felt there was anything else left to say even though he text me back at the time “goodbye???”. I had come to that conclusion then because I had felt tortured for days about us and I felt it was my only option after he had once again told me he wanted to ‘give it a miss’, our supposed catch up last night. I had had it before and the nature of our relationship the to-ing and fro-ing had finally wore me out. It seemed every time he did the ‘I’m there, I’m not there thing’ it was like a knife making another stab wound, maybe a tad strong but we had been down the road of the merry and not so merry dance and I was tired of it. Not that he meant much by it, he just said he was tired and needed a night to himself. After talking with friends yesterday and explaining the dance they said it didn’t sound good and that I should probably let it go, and I kind of agreed. There is only so much I can handle right now, I feel worn.

But what had struck me a couple of weeks ago was that I had actually fallen in love with him. Against all sanity and better judgement, knowing fully what he told me he was feeling at the time, it still happened. I fought it, I did. After the Joe debacle the last thing I needed was another heartbreak and he had somehow managed to get in. I thought I was in control of it…dammit. Love. I have never been very good at it, in fact I suck at it.

So after he text me the “I read your blog..” I felt at first surprised. Then I thought, “no, you dont get to say that to me” so I text back. He was cross with me. He, was cross. There was emotion there. Something had driven him to FB stalk me (I do it too, check non ‘friends’ out sometimes, dont we all? Its not a crime. I would often look at his profile pic because I missed his beautiful smile) and finally find and read my blog. I had unfriended him on FB in a fit of rage a few weeks ago and was quietly glad because I didn’t want him to read my blog. Even though I had only ever pretty much wrote good things about him, I knew he would probably not understand.

I called him. It was late and he needed to get to work this morning (no wonder the poor bastard gets cross with me…and he rarely gets cross..well never really in front of me). He spoke to me in such a wonderful gentle tone..that feeling I get when am with him returned. Oh god, I am back to square one. Love SUCKS.

I guess, we’ll see. I need more sleep and lots of water…and a plan to get my sanity back..

Love and whitelight xxx

Life and love ‘fool’osophy…

I just realised its been a few weeks since I have written. These days I wonder where the time goes. But I needed to write today. A bit of catharsis. It’s the whole point of writing this blog, it was to help myself purge all the worries and just get it out there sans psych and post antidepressants and narcissists and broken hearts and pain of the technicolour variety. Document growth and learning. Share the human response although not as neatly wrapped and covered with a bow. Just authentic and at times brow raising and even funny.

These few weeks have been surprising in some ways, revealing. The months since I turned half a century it seems I have found a sense of inner peace even within the storms that rage up around me at times. It’s funny that when you let go of the death grip on life; trying to control and steer things that aren’t meant to be steered how much more freedom there is for the the real to come through. The real but sometimes scary.

The yank skype messaged me recently, yank 2. He said we should consider it closure and move on. Ahh, yeah buddy, that happened long ago. I’ve been enjoying the tango whilst you..well god knows where that complicated and twisted head is at but I wish you well. We both said ‘peace’ to each other. And I, at least, meant it. I’ve never understood how people who manage to have meaningful time together, have meant something to each other, can end up hating one another or can’t be friends. I still think of Yank 1,  rarely but he is there and I wonder why things became as they did because I know deep down the soul I felt many years ago is still good intrinsically. What changed him, I guess I will never know. And even though he broke me I will always carry a little piece of him with me.  He was the only one in all these years that really got inside.  It got into my brain and tied me up in knots so badly now that I read back I realise I was bordering psychotic. But that is the reality. Humans are complex beings emotionally. It has taken me a long time to get to the  point where I can let go, of anything. But I am ever so grateful I have got there.

But something strange is happening now that I don’t quite have a handle on. Never felt before, finding it difficult to describe, its like a slow burn…(not the negative connotation) something indefinable and my mind keeps saying ‘what the?!’ and part of me wants to run for the hills because that is what I do…or I did. Finding ways to sabotage what was good in a “I’m going to get going before you hurt me” defense response. Practiced, entrenched reaction. Covered up by the “I’m a bad girl, don’t fuck with me” facade. But its time to break that chain. And just flow with life, appreciate the experience because pain is reality but if you focus on that you will never allow proper flow and marvelous energy into your life. Yin Yang.

I’ve been seeing and talking to ‘the good one’ alot lately. Even last night we spent a few hours together in between his having to drop off and collect his teen daughter at her work  and time managed to fade into the distance for a while as we talked about life experiences and where we both thought we may be and why. A bit of love foolosophy. I quoted that phrase a while ago and I remember yank 2 being very impressed being the highbrow soapbox philosopher that he was. Little did he know I really didn’t coin it as such; Jamiroquai did in his song ‘Love foolosophy!’ although he may not have been the first I am sure.. Ha! Not that I condone plagiarism but he wouldn’t have known who Jamiroquai was anyway…LOL…

He (T.G.O) said he thought that ultimately he too had an auto run or switch off response which deep down probably had to do with past experience. I am starting to realise just what a good man he truly is and when he made his ‘I’m not sure you are my forever after’ comment ages ago he was being truthful, he doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else for that matter, he isn’t built that way. But he also needs to protect himself. He is able to show me vulnerability, an emotional maturity.  I see a difference with him and the way he handles things as opposed to many other men I’ve dated and known. His comment could honestly be construed as manipulative and clever, cake and eat it too but getting to know him as I have been now for a while…we’ve been on and off but always remained friends, I know he really means it. And I appreciate honesty, oh boy do I. Something Yank 1 struggled with and just shut down. An ultra intelligent man yet emotionally challenged and immature. Sadly.

So where is this going? I don’t know, but it is good….quite good;) and there is mutual respect and care. Real. All I know is that I am grateful for what we do have (particularly the ohhhh boyyyy! But that’s not all:) and I will enjoy it for as long as it is there. Why analyse it? It is my choice, I am ‘aware’. As an adult woman I should be. I hate the word ‘should’ but there it is.

I have worked hard on a ‘growth mindset’ . I remember reading an article by Margaret Gould Stewart, Vice president of product design at Facebook and has been with You tube, Ted  and google as well. An article called the ‘gifts of growth’ where she says:

A growth mindset is one that believes our abilities are fluid and changeable, that we can and will learn more skills and even new talents, if we work at it

As opposed to a ‘fixed mindset’;

that believes that talents and abilities are set and static; those with a fixed mindset tend to define their value by the skills they naturally have, and therefore failure at any level is crushing to the self esteem.

It’s very true.

I am grateful for my growth.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Not doing that dance again!

There comes a time when you finally realise that the only person to blame when it comes to dud relationships is yourself. I have bemoaned for years why nearly every relationship I have had has fallen way short of the mark. Today, a line was finally drawn in the sand. And I ain’t doing this dance again.

Nearly 4 days ago I caught up with ‘the good one’. The hot water system where I live was on the blink and was going to take time to fix so I booked myself into a  nice City hotel for a couple of nights to spoil myself. Courtesy of the ‘go see Yank 2 in Chicago fund’. I had finally felt over yank 2 and it was nice being in touch regularly with ‘the good one’, kind of a good distraction from other things and I always had a soft spot for him. And the sex was always off the charts with him!

He met me downstairs in the hotel lobby, as I walked out of the elevator he was sitting looking very handsome and directly at me as I walked out. We both smiled real smiles of joy and warmth it felt like. He still was able to make my heart skip a beat, seeing him in person again after many months. We had been talking to each other again even before the yank and I broke up but just as the good friends we were.

We hugged and did the European kiss on both sides of the face and then walked arm in arm out towards the place we were going to for dinner. Our conversation was happy and non stop, it felt like we had so much to tell each other. Over a lovely dinner we did, tell each other what had been going on; both ending relationships recently (well I could say mine really wasn’t as such being so long distance with only Skype date nights twice  week, and then just emails and phone calls, mainly instigated by me of course. Well, not the Skype dates, he really loved those and always insisted we keep it up no matter what).

Inevitably, we ended up back at my hotel room and had a marvelous number of hours together. It felt so natural, as if we had only been together yesterday. Being a Thursday night, a day earlier than planned he had to go to work the next morning and it was so strange waking up without him laying next to me which is what we usually always did when spending the night together. We texted a number of times the next day. We also talked about seeing each other over the weekend, he told me he had these music videos he had just bought he knew I’d like..we share a mutual love of good music, same types and often had great nights in at his house listening to great music.

Being winter many around us have been ill with colds and flu. I myself have been very nasally after coming back from Sydney and all the dirty polluted air I inhaled regularly. I had made a comment on one of my texts after he said what an awesome night we had and how good it was to see each other again said that it was strange waking up without him next to me that morning. We have always been open and honest with each other and spoken frankly. It was then after some of the answers back I realised he was in retreat again. And the comment about not being sure I was his forever after, and not wanting to hurt me came and it was then I snapped out of it PRONTO. “You idiot, you did it again”; that is me I am talking to.

I had forgotten that at one stage this guy and I had been quite full on and that over time he started to retreat and then made a similar comment about the forever after (which he also used to describe the woman he just broke up with). Yes, we continued a friendship, even without the sex ever since that time but ultimately I realised my Achilles heel with this guy…realistically, I should have ran for the hills no matter if he was wearing his nice guy disguise.

Well, today I have. A moment ago, 3 days after we last spoke to each other I get a text asking how I am, and how sorry he was he didn’t communicate in the  last few days as he has been sick with a cold/flu. Awwww, poor baby, I guess your fingers were all blocked up as well as your damned nose.

Ahhh, I guess I am sounding like a typical woman at this stage but in all honesty I can laugh at myself. I guess I finally realised that I no longer wish to do this dance. Accept a man who only sees me as an option.

I deserve much better than that. And I am happy being single and free without the exasperating wank and bullshit that seems to be going on out there these days.

I will miss our conversations. And in some weird way he was right, we did have a good connect to be able to talk to each other about everything. He was often message me to see how life was going. Talk me through my next adventures on the dating scene and other things. He is good compared to many others, but not good enough for me.

So I have not yet returned his text. And I have no intention of returning it. I don;t want to be mean spirited or game playing like many are. I have simply had enough. Self respect and preservation. Another lesson learned. Life goes on.

Love and whitelight xxx

Are we there yet? A change of view…

I am counting down the days and minutes for this damned year to be over. It has been, to quote our regent “an annus horribilis”, well most of it anyway. I wonder was it just me or did this year seem just slightly more ghastly than usual?

Although I can say with all truthfulness and gratefulness that the lessons learned and the growth I have experienced this year has kind of counterbalanced that yukkyness of the year. And hand on heart I feel that I have emerged a better person for it and my outlook on the future not as bleak and negative irrespective of current challenges.

There are days still lately that I feel like things are just hanging in suspended animation and I am like a marionette hanging in the closet waiting for the puppet master to take me out onto stage of life and see how this plays out…..the clock ticking…ironically I can here the clock in the hallway ticking right now. It seems quite loud.

I am waiting on a response from my job interview last week, they said they would decide by today. I have applied for others what little there is at his moment in time and time of year. Waiting.

I had a long phone conversation 2 nights ago with “the good one”, yes, the one I let go of a week or so ago. He seemed at the time not to know what to say or do but appeared happy to receive my message of  “I bought ‘Evie’ parts 1,2 and 3 by Stevie Wright (an Aussie rock legend from the Easybeats and solo work who passed away boxing day sadly) and am playing it full blast and it made me think of you”, you see we both love the same music genres and era’s and when we spent time together it was often kissing and making love and jamming in the nude (with him playing guitar, music on and me singing sporadically) and it was always very enjoyable, easy and fun.

So after my message he called me and we spoke for hours. And that was nice. But once again I feel like I am…waiting…kinda…

And my sons and I had an awesome Christmas lunch and afternoon together, those days I treasure and hold dear to my heart. Memories to be cherished because his brother and I are trying to make use of the time we have left with my eldest son, this bloody disease….I will not say ‘waiting’ again because a part of me still refuses to believe we will lose him even though this year he has degenerated more than before and it is very painful to watch as a mother because you just want to take away his pain and burden and when you can’t….well it is …..beyond description how it feels….

I am about to go to the gym, the one constant that ironically the Yank Joe (narcissistic wanker) got me started on over a year ago and is now my savior from a health and psychological perspective. The effect of it for me has been far greater than all the years on anti-depressant meds which I now realise I never really needed long term and am damned sure will never again. That has been a positive from this year. The emergence from a psychological ‘coma’ of sorts, and the awareness that I had within me all that I needed to rise above the merde of years gone by let alone this year….not so horribilis:)

So this year has been a gift of sorts. I think when you start to see it from a different view and realise that the things that have hurt you or caused you pain have a hidden gift then you start to feel a well of strength you didn’t know existed. It isn’t easy to say ‘thank you for my pain’, but when you survive and move past it life seems that much sweeter somehow and promising…

That is how I choose to go into this New Year…with a different view….

Love and whitelight xx