Slim pickings…humanity

I’ve been at a loss about how to approach a myriad of things on my mind lately; relationships and dating in middle age (god I hate that classification), depression, life’s struggles, and crazy occurrences. I’ve missed writing my blog regularly, but I’d made a conscious decision not to for a little while because I caused offence to certain persons and that was not my intention. This blog was created for me and my journey and writing real life as a catharsis.

But as it turned out, being public and curiosity getting the better of people my blog was being ‘read’ and some were not very impressed at times! Some, I couldn’t give two hoots about that being the case but others I do care about.

So I have made the decision to retire certain persona for good out of new found understanding and respect.

I’ve read some funny things about dating mid life recently, I guess I was curious taking into account my shenanigans over the last few years. And when I hit 50 and I saw that most of my friends had managed to find a partner and I was still without something good and solid I started to think “my god, I am going to become a crazy cat lady, alone, die alone and they will eat my bones because there will be no one around who actually gives a flying fig” cue violins…bring out the Stradivarius…

And then I snapped out of that.

I am who I am. I like what I like and do what I do (yes sometimes spontaneously and without proper thought) and dont think I should have to apologise for being me. Left of centre and currently without said felines.

I’ve been researching for a possible book or article and also to assuage my curiousness about this mid life dilemma we all seem to go through at some stage and how we interact with each other and just generally the journey of finding love at this time in our lives.

I have noticed that women my age seem to become invisible to men on dating sites who even though they themselves are galloping towards 60 seem to list their preferred partners age at a minimum of 10-15 years younger so in essence their search will exclude attractive and intelligent women like me (LOL) who don’t look or act their age (well I do sometimes!)  ie many mid 50’s men are looking for women in their 30’s or even early 40’s may be considered and won’t even look at someone their own age unless they have a mommy complex where they do look for someone slightly older because they need a ‘nurse with a purse’.

I am here to tell you, unless you have wads of cash in your wallet and are able to sustain a hard on you boys will rarely get a look insee! I see the sheer numbers of hopefuls who state they are a ‘young’ 55 par example. But I sincerely wish you luck!  Then again paradoxically there are some young women who are looking for fatherly figures…;)

The irony is that even though many women are also overlooked and referred to as hormonal and crazy at our age (admittedly partially true) and carrying le baggage,the fact is alot of men this age are absolutely and irrevocably bat shit crazy themselves and going through their own mid life crisis often completely blind to the fact!

It’s hilarious!

It’s hilarious and frustrating. These are some slim pickings I’m afraid!

And what bamboozles me more is that I often find young men are in absolute awe of us young and vibrant looking (!!!) 50’s women and we knock them back because we don’t want to be seen as ‘cougars’ or worse yet MILFS (I bet some aging impotent middle aged male Ad exec coined that phrase trying to be a smart arse).

So the dating dilemma continues. A friend of mine said the other day and he has known me since I was in my late teens “it is going to take someone really special and different to be able to match you. You are unique”. I looked at him quizzically and didn’t know whether to thank him or hit him!  Arrrgghh. I dont have the energy for this dance at present. Well, today at least.

I spent precious time with my dear sons yesterday, my eldest seeming to struggle to stop the jerking movements that have resurfaced as the botox shots start to wear off and his tongue protruding out of his mouth stopping him from being able to talk and eat properly. (To recap; my eldest son has a rare neuro-degenerative disease N.B.I.A and it has progressed more rapidly this year sadly). There were times I thought he would jerk out of his wheelchair or tip it and some sad ignorant woman decided to pass comment on him controlling his tongue. It happens alot. Many do not understand. How could they.

But his brother and I managed to make him laugh (even that is becoming a choking risk now) with our mother-son comedy routine. Its those times that I cherish the most. Limited but they give me the greatest sense of peace.

After they left the restaurant I took myself out for a few drinks because I needed to numb the feeling that I just wanted to cry and at the same time scream ; ‘why is this happening to my boy?’ (I know we are not alone in tragedy in this world and there is worse but I cant help it).

Unfortunately, after many drinks I did find myself crying on the long train journey home and yet a lovely young man (probably my son’s age) came up to me and asked if I was OK and asked if he could give me a hug and said ‘I am here to talk to if you need to’. I was so grateful for his humanity and kindness, there is still some out there. But I was also mortified at my public display of pain. Its unusual because I usually do that in the privacy of my asylum.

I guess that is why I focus so much on love. It distracts me from the profound sense of loss I feel so deeply lately. But I need to pull myself out of it. Get on with life in the best way I can.

I think an afternoon of good music and wine is in order. Love and whitelight xx

Venus and Mars and bars…

Oh dear…it’s been a while. I do love blogging but times lately, well..and tonight..several cocktails to the wind…from misery to ball-siness in 10 seconds flat..

Yank number 2 (Chicago boy) has been taking up a little of my time. Over his work break we Skyped (one day for 7 hours, the next for 5 plus numerous emails daily and phone calls over  number of weeks a couple of months ) when I finally managed to fix my ability to skype..bloomin HP laptops and a whole host of other failing issues for which I must say I had a good edumacation (sic) poste haste on reconfiguration, reinstalling drivers yada..

Now I must say, Yank 2 is a vast improvement on Yank 1 (Arizona A-Hat although originally from Pennsylvania does that matter I don’t know..I am not a yank aficionado. ) Mind you they could not be more different. One aggressive and over confident about his ‘achievements an abilities” the other open and able to show his vulnerabilities and crazy quirkiness without being an ass-hat..

One with a supposed decent bank account (quite frankly, I did not give a flying fig about that…been there done that! And honestly I think he vastly overstated!) and amazing achievements in the corporate world..supposed. The other doing honest good work.yet not overly financial..(not that that matters)..somewhat menial but who cares, it is honest and solid, he is cultured, quite intelligent, and he is infinitely better at communicating irrespective of it being the asshats  (yank 1) apparent forte linked to his job….and yet..

I have come to realise that there are shortcomings no matter what. Be they physical, psychological or financial (once again..I do not give a flying fig about that )

Its about real and connection and being a decent human being..

Ohh dear…cocktails prevail..they are kicking in big time…went to the gym today for the first time in weeks and worked hard..I think  body has had enough for now…to be continued…missed you…bloggosphere..

Love and whitelight xx

The train to crazy town..

I have just read back a couple of my most recent posts. Even my last one and not only was it not spell and grammar checked…I am usually a stickler for well written sentences and good spelling but they were written on my phone on trains and I was inebriated. Something I have done a bit more than usual lately again because I seem to have hit a very strange stage in my life.

Tired. Tired of alot of things..this constant pulling on my emotions with my son and my love life, one of my best friends leaving and moving to Seattle and my job situation…although I do have an interview today for a contract role which sounds heavenly to me as it is in familiar territory with reasonable hours and commitment. I was still somewhat battering myself about leaving the permanent job but something had to give…I was reaching critical mass. The hours and expectations were just too unreasonable. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for me but I also know what it will look like to others. But it is not about that. And the one thing I have learnt of late is that you need to be true to yourself and take care of you. No one else can do that.

The yank and I seem to be tanking a bit. Part me part him. Long distance is never easy. He has counselled me alot lately saying things like “Roz, you are going through part of the tough 7 year cycle (at 49) and hang on you are in for a ride” (I am 49 currently and he is 56) this theory that every 7 years there are massive shifts and changes like second set of teeth at 7, puberty at 14 ish, etc etc. He feels that I am at a really difficult stage but says he will be there to help me through because he has been there. He could be right. At times he does seem quite intuitive about things.

There was a series in Britain of similar vain called the “up series” where they followed the lives of a group of people from 7 years onward into their late 50’s and the swings and roundabouts were incredible; from rags to riches and homelessness for some and back again. There could be something in it.  at the moment I am thinking OH..WHAT THE HELL, just roll with it.

And then there is the reemergence of the ‘good one’. We  spoke at length last night and text alot yesterday. The sexual spark is still there and he revealed that he was confused about why we couldn’t take things forward in our relationship and that he had thought about it. Now he tells me! Now when I have struck up this thing with Yank number 2. I am quite confused about this all. When things are good with yank and I they are real good. But we haven’t met in person yet and won’t until probably July when I will try visit because I also want to visit my cherished friend in Seattle. I miss her already and we tried to Skype today but the damn thing is not working probably but she seems as out of sorts as I.

That is the thing. Not only I but a few people I know are currently going through something with life and relationships..now that sounds a bit “well hello, who isn;t??!” but it almost feels as if there is some cosmic shift occurring…cue TWIGHLIGHT ZONE music I am on the train to crazy town!!

Oh damn I just realised the time…I have to go to this meeting in town another long commute to and fro…but I will write again later…

Love and whitelight xx

 

Batter up…strike…lesson learned

I know I am certifiable at times! I even make myself laugh.

I am writing this in a slight haze after a night out which I hadn’t intended to be a night out, especially not on a Monday but sometimes the best times out can be off the cuff.

I had yet another job interview yesterday in what we call the port city (Fremantle) here in Perth because it is where the ships come in. It is a harbour. I hadn’t been there for a long time and I had particularly been avoiding it because I still for some damned reason relate it to the place Joe (the Narc yank) and I spent some time together before his ship went out (the USS Constellation) and we weren’t to see each other again for some 30 odd years.

But it was ok. The feeling I was trying to avoid only hit for a few minutes and then I was swept away by the beautiful view of the ocean and all the massive ships lined up to come in or go out and the fantastic atmosphere around all the shops, restaurants and cafes. It has changed quite a bit and yesterday was a beautiful hot summer’s day and the place was bustling.

I had a lovely lunch near the water to kill time before my interview and then walked to the the massive office on the water, it is a large marine/offshore company. Good interview although I sense I may not get it. Not being negative, sometimes you just know.

I had texted a message to the man I have kinda been seeing, the ‘good one’, we had caught up again on the weekend and spent time together Friday night /Saturday. It was fun and lovely as usual. But something inside wasn’t feeling right as I ventured home Saturday. That feeling you get when you know you could be but shouldn’t be falling for someone yet know that they are not in the same place and he had a number of months ago let me go honestly after I said please tell me if this isn’t it. It is why we remained friends and it had been working well until now. But you can’t stop yourself from feeling things in the heart, it doesn’t work that way no matter how hard you try.

He messaged me back but the tone was fairly perfunctory even with the smiley face and 2 kisses!

So I decided whilst I was all the way down in the Port city and the day was beautiful I would find a nice place to have a glass of wine and enjoy the rest of the afternoon, lift the spirit a bit!

And I did. I met a man at the bar and we immediately hit it off and sat chatting for hours. He was Scottish with a marvelous thick accent and absolutely funny yet also spoke about things we seemed to have very similar views about.  I told him about both the yank and the current one and he imparted some male words of wisdom (!) which I really did appreciate because what he said I knew to be true. I hadn’t been working on myself all this time this year after everything that has gone on only to set myself up for another heartbreak, so on the way home I messaged the ‘good one’ and told him I didn’t think I could do this ‘friends thing’ anymore, it was too difficult. He was surprised but told me he understood because he had ‘been there’ before. He asked if we could talk about it tomorrow, I guess he knew I was a tad tiddly, but my response was that there really wasn’t anything more to talk about. He had told me how he felt long ago. So that was that.

So today with hand on forehead, looking out and up into the sunny day, well it is actually going to be very hot today 39 degrees Celsius, I am back to being just me. And I am actually OK with that. And I am quite proud of myself for putting me first for a change, respecting myself and making a good decision about protecting myself, my heart, that has been long trampled and beaten because I always loved the wrong person.

Lesson learned. Finally!

I guess I just had to write about it today. This blog has been my cathartic friend. Over good and troubled times.

But at this point I envisage more good. The universe has guided me again and I am grateful.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Is the moon constantly on FULL??

OK, I think  am officially in the twilight zone. I keep wondering if the moon has stayed on full for the last year because the instances of looney tunes continues…

Friday evening I caught up with my ‘friend’ he invited me over for the weekend I think I mentioned it in my previous post and it all started well. Although a bit crazy, his idea of having fun was a dive bar with women wearing skimpy and at times next to no outfits and very drunk men shoving money into their G-strings and then either falling over or punching each other! I should’ve known the weekend wasn’t going to go well after that, but I am open minded even if I was slightly overdressed for the evening both in class and clothing!

Then home to his house in the hills for an evening of Country music and watching him dance around the lounge room half naked with cowboy boots and hat!  OHH my freaking god…!

Aside from the fact that watching an italian dressed that way and his love of country music (I have known him for a little while and by no means did I have a clue he was that way inclined…I’m afraid I have a distinct DISLIKE for country crooning although the odd stuff is OK)..but I went with it good sport that I am..

Oh and he took me outside and uncovered his prized possession a beautifully restored and polished Monaro..the Aussie equivalent of one of those American classics I so love and wanted to do the horizontal mambo in the back seat….OK, I’m game…DON’T Judge, I’m all for the horizontal mambo when it feels right!:)

Thank goodness for copious amounts of al-cy-hol ending in American honey on the rocks in large quantities…

After a very late night or early morning he told me he had to do some work that morning..a rare Saturday and he wanted me to be his truck wench (yes I have sunk another level)! Drives a huge Volvo truck that carts Asphalt and then has to deliver and dump it over a very long period of time and waiting around…OHHH JOY…my head throbbing and more country music blaring in the cabin…arrgghh

But I went with that too and by lunchtime we were back home and gathering stuff for the evening, food and drinks. More drinking (it is a sad thing in a way but Aussies do use alcohol as a drug of choice regularly, its as part of the landscape as the Sydney Harbour bridge unfortunately…perhaps it is just a way of making things better temporarily), and a barbecue later that afternoon which initially was nice. Some friends came over, all good, until he started to take pot shots at his mate. And eventually over time at me and believe me after all the bullshit and wank I have gone through with men of late like Yanky Joe and crazy Chevvy guy there was no way on gods great earth I was putting up with that shit.

Being stuck up there in hills late my only course of action was to go to bed, so I did. I think he got it then. Then first thing in the morning I told him to take me to the station (which was a fair way away) and then I went home. After his sheepish demeanor and profuse apologies, trying to salvage our friends with benefits connection, as I got out of the car at the station he tried to kiss me; but I said thanks and look after yourself Joe (yes another bloody crazy Italian Joe) and I know he knew I was wishing him a good life!

Oh and yesterday I get a call that my mother has gone and discharged herself from the hospital against the doctors wishes and that was the last straw for me too because the whole reason she was back there was because she would not do what they told her too. I have helped her with absolutely everything constantly over many many weeks now and tried to get her to do the right thing and ‘listen’ but to no avail so I am now wiping my hands of that too…she is a grown woman, I can’t wipe her backside for her, not that she was ever much of a mother anyway, manipulative, selfish and expecting everyone to help and the only time she is ever nice to me is when she wants something. Finito.

If there is one thing I am learning from these looney tune events is that if people don’t want to help themselves or know how to behave you can not be responsible for them you have to let them learn the hard way. You can only do so much and just look after yourself and after everything I am now doing that….me first.

Ahhh then yet again a minute ago I get a call from a social worker from the hospital and she is meant to go to an appointment today and instead she has gone to the casino…even in her state…FINITO for good, you can not help someone who does not want to help themselves, bar having them committed! 

I have meetings this afternoon and tomorrow about work, fingers crossed, and I am going to the gym after having a week off it. I need to keep my mind in good shape or I will end up in the asylum…

Many will think I am mad for continuing to date when there is so much else going on but it takes my mind off things for a little while and that helps. I will be so much happier when I am back at work. I can’t change certain things like my sons illness, my mothers dumbness and the male arses in this world but I can keep going, trying to move forward and stay smiling when I can….maybe the moon will start to wane finally…

 

 

Freaking fabulous at 49…stuff the lamb!

The last week or so I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but the wondrous thing is I now know why and I fully accept and embrace these days and the future which I know will be difficult at times but also marvelous. Because I said so.

I won’t reel off the list of crap that still exists in my life, it’s in previous posts and frankly I get sick of talking about it because it is what it is and everyone has problems of varying degrees. In some ways its enough to make a grown man cry but I know that the strength gained over time this year has enabled me to say “oh fuck it!” (sometimes the power of the expletive is the only way to create the impact!) and after a good bawl I pick myself back up again and go at it!

I have written alot about how I have moved past depression without medication this time and done it over a very challenging period of my life. One of the biggest changes and mechanisms for a stronger mind has been exercise, a good diet and supplements (including high strength fish oil, B group vitamins, Probiotics and Super Greens). Cliche but true. And I do have Joe to thank for the exercise thing..he was my initial impetus and he was very encouraging in our beginning…something to thank him for!

There is mounting evidence that regular and proper exercise has just as much (if not more) of an effect as antidepressants and I have to say, for me, it’s true. The natural boost from endorphin’s and the like seems to bring a clarity that allows me to put things more into perspective and help allay the rumination that so frequently wears away at you when you have mounting pressures and an impending feeling of doom.

You need to take into account what the root cause or causes may be and go to the heart of it and do the work. I know, I have been there. By no means do I belittle the fact that for some ‘chemical’ imbalance or physical cause is the root and that is when traditional methods; medication and therapy are still the most reliable way to stay upright.

And there are days when amongst it all your body just says ‘NUP’, no way, so you listen and give yourself the time to rest and nurture your aching spirit. IE give yourself some love and care. Have that glass of fabulous red (or several in my case!), sleep that extra hour if you can, read a good book, listen to some good tunes, whatever makes you feel in the moment and brings your energy back to centre.

I’m not trying to preach. There are many blogs out there doing that already. I am simply writing about my own experience and maybe if it works for me it may for someone else. I started this blog for that reason..catharsis and connection.

So it’s Friday and old habits die hard! Years of working in the city and Friday drinks and the excitement from the unwind still sit in my wiring even though I am not working at present (not through choice but circumstance and believe me that is temporary, I am damn sure of that now I am well again and the brain is in ‘go get’em’ mode!)

Funny story; I’ve been doing the dating thing, well not as fervently as recently because I have finally settled into my own groove and rather than try work through the quagmire of men who only want to ‘horizontal mambo’ straight off the bat (seriously, I don’t know if it is just Perth men but it feels like they are spoilt for choice and behave like insolent teenage boys needing their quick ejaculation at any cost…and they get it!…or in my case one guy, 3 years younger than me, who keeps texting me out of the blue…persistent bastard…probably because I won’t give it to him! He is slightly seedy in the sex department, he showed me by his behaviour after one coffee although he was an hilarious bastard as well! Which is the only reason I haven’t blocked him! What? I like a good belly laugh:).

Then there is a 35 yo who every time he opens his mouth I hear ‘waaaahhhh’ and realise why it is he is still single….he needs a mother figure and I guess at 49 I’m it temporarily but he did have some redeeming qualities…somewhere, although I haven’t heard from him for  2 days now after I told him his temper tantrums won’t work with me and frankly I don’t care if he doesn’t message again.

I did speak to the handsome Italian 52 yo I was dating recently this week, it seems we may keep some kind of friendship going as he had said. He is going through a difficult family thing right now (and dating on the side, I’m quite sure….I don;t think I was quite ‘adventurous’ enough for him in the sack…fervent but not adventurous!). And it is true what they say about the so called ‘quiet, gentlemanly ones’! 😉

I am damned serious; some of these men out there really want some seedy shit, they want the porn queen in the bed and the saint in the kitchen and man trying to keep up with this crap is tiring so I am happy to just ‘be’, have a laugh when I want and just enjoy my new sense of self and freedom. (Well partial freedom, I’m still caring for my mum although she is becoming more self sufficient now as her leg is healing and my son is….not as well as he has been…nature of the degenerative disease he has but there is still so much light in him even so and he is well cared for and is kept occupied which is good for him…I wish it could be me all the time but there is another story in that…so I have to get on with my life when I am able…keep connected to life outside of the issues and keep moving forward as best I can).

So yesterday, in the gym the young lass said to me’ how old are you?’ after I was talking about stuff and I said ’49’ and she said ‘no way, oh no way, my god I thought you were 40 at the most, look at your skin and your energy, you glow, my god if I look like you at that age I would be very happy, awesome”.

And I have to say I walked out of there with a big cheesy smile on my face and I realised that for all the crap there are also so many blessings and things to be grateful for…. and even though recently one date said he thought I was a modern hippy! I don’t know quite what he meant by that but hopefully not mutton dressed as lamb…damn it stuff the lamb…mutton is tastier…slow cooked! hahaha