In the spirit of ‘go with the flow’

Its been over a week since my last post (Boy, that almost sounds like a confessional doesn’t it…forgive me father for I have sinned its been so long since my last confession).

I have been laying here awake since some ungodly hour…it is now 0423 am, ruminating, something I do far less these days but I guess we all have times like this when we wake and just can’t get back to sleep and then  thoughts raid our minds.

So I got up and made a hot cocoa and decided to write. Ahhh my dear blog I’ve missed you old friend…

Not alot has been happening since the big hoohaa of New Years. But then again did I really expect it would? It’s been 6 days! I haven’t won lotto, haven’t had a marriage proposal…oh now I am waffling..

You see, I kind of broke my cardinal rule. Do not Facebook friend any men I have ‘dated’ because they will see my blog posts as I post through my page (and then reset the privacy feature) and may out of curiosity actually click through and read it. And this has been my private (semi) pleasure and release, most of my readers are overseas (I know this because of the wonderful stats wordpress shows you). They may just see how really damned kooky I am!

But then I said to myself ‘this is you, this is what you do, it is your life and you don’t need to feel censored by other peoples opinions’ as many of us including me have felt and therefore live an inauthentic life. Just go with the flow, do what you want and just relax. Be yourself.

I just started to write about…him (the yank)..and his expectations of me and then I realised that up until this point and even after my random ‘fuck you…wasted too much of my energy on you …OVER’ text in a drunken stupor on New Years eve I rarely think about him or bring him up in conversation anymore, although I did on the weekend because I was discussing the story with a lovely man I’ve met. And I had decided to really step away from ‘the good one’ because I feel he was only ‘good’ to serve his own purpose and was highly averse to confrontation hence the ‘goodness’ ie it was all part of his modus operandi.

I had a lovely weekend. We walked the beach, drank copious amounts of whiskey, talked and laughed and he invited me to stay over and I did. We watched back to back shows off netflix etc  all the next day and couch potatoed and all up it was just lovely and peaceful and he was very good company.

So easy to be with and talk to.

And the funny thing that happened was that he did not want to sleep with me our first night (I say funny because for me I remember going through a ‘this does not compute’ moment). Now I know this is the ‘rule’ that many espouse but I happen to enjoy…the act..immensely… and if I feel like it I just do it. Why not? I am single, free, and at what I consider my prime and dammit if men can why can’t us women? Or those of us that don’t have a problem with it and actually enjoy sex and haven’t got our sphincters tightly clenched “oh, how ghastly, how ho-ish, you have to play hard to get, make them work for it” …Honey, I don’t play games, games are for children.

I know I am not the only one (That doesn’t make it right, and I don’t think it makes it wrong either…it is personal and subjective), but many will not admit to it let alone put it in a public blog! And he had said to me ‘I have never done that in my life, slept with someone I just met’ and ironically I was thinking ‘what the? How old fashioned’ but I guess this goes back to what is ‘socially’ and morally acceptable and the rules and expectations that have been imposed on us, some of which is necessary for absence of chaos! And then your own personal moral compass.

All I know is, I have had enough of regret and choose to live my life as I want to without judging myself and trying not to judge others also. To just ‘go with the flow’.

So it seems he and I will become good friends, well at this point it does. We seem to connect on a different level and it is nice and easy and honest.

Why not enjoy our experiences with people as they flow into and out of our lives often for very good reasons and lessons. Some for life, some for just a fleeting moment. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Love and whitelight xx

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Finding peace…hitting the limit…no holding back now..

When I started to write this it was a beautiful bright sunny morning, only 14 degrees Celsius and lovely. To sit and recognise something as simple as the sunshine and to stop and appreciate it keeps you in the moment. And that is imperative when you are trying to mend a mind that tends to ruminate and is recovering from deep depression amongst other things.

I had taken some bad steps back in the last week or so but it was necessary and understandable and I am going to write about it because this blog is about my journey to inner peace, moving forward, overcoming life’s obstacles and living authentically and maybe it may resonate with someone out there as I have said before. And it helps to write. I can’t talk to people here, friends, about it they have reached their limit of care and I don’t want to burden them anyway. Most don’t give a toss and that is fair enough.

I slept well last night, I went to bed satisfied for a change. I watched my Aussie rules football team absolutely kick arse. They are now 2nd on the ladder and in the finals yipppeee.  I am a mad keen West Coast Eagles fan, have been from the start win or lose. I am no fair-weather fan! My sons would take a wide berth if the game was on TV, they would laugh and say ‘mum you are crazy, they can’t hear you through the TV screen!’

I realised last night if I could apply that same passion for my footy team towards many other things I would be out of the hole by now. What a dichotomous thing. But in fairness to myself (and I am trying to do that regularly, be fair to myself) there have been bloody good reasons why I haven’t. And now I am fully aware of it and working on it.

I went to the gym yesterday. I was finally well enough to after the flu and I was so glad I did. The experience was different because this time I enjoyed it knowing it was for me..not trying to get myself all gorgeous for ‘him’, it was for me and my mind and health and when that demon tried to intrude in my thoughts I politely told him to f#%k off and I upped my pace!

My Psych session Friday was draining. I hadn’t seen her for a little while and there was a lot to discuss. I had more recently had flashbacks of some pretty disgusting repressed memories from childhood and that had floored me for days and I found myself clinging to the memory of him and the ridiculous idealisation of that classless blood sucking vampire because as they say ‘better the devil you know’, clinging to false memories of him was safer than to deal with the visions of my repressed memories.

I now realise how he managed to get into my brain, I was ripe for the picking and he knew it. I shared with him things I had never with anyone and he used it and played it well but I am on to him now, really onto him and I no longer want to  play. The game is over. He is as good as dead to me.  I have hit my limit.

I have decided that I can not forgive certain people for the pain they have caused me and I am so fed up with the bullshit that you must. You don’t and it is this realisation that has brought me some peace finally. I may or may not ever and THAT IS OK. People expect you to forgive because it makes them feel good, all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, they feel as if they have seen you heal right before their eyes…but you need to do what works for you…it is hard for many to understand and these days care factor has a time limit. We are bombarded by so much despair and bad images we desensitize and try to keep away from it for our own peace of mind.

Let me put it this way; would you forgive the snake that bites you and fills you with the poison that just may kill you? (Forgive me Dalai Lama, there are times when you just can’t).

She (my psych) told me she thought I was actually doing quite well and that my backwards steps were understandable especially as I was forced into psycho prison again, bedridden from my flu and that unfortunately gave my mind far too much time to wander and ruminate, my energy was down very low.

She also said that I needed to keep very active if I was going to stave off further depressions without medication and I accept that you must keep active, it is a no brainer but I also feel that it is not as simplistic as that and as time goes on I am starting to see just exactly what is needed and it is daunting but necessary. No one can categorize depression specifically there are many causes and it can incorporate other issues like anxiety and trauma and therefore the approach to protecting yourself from it can be complex and take time to realise. No one size fits all as I have said before.

This time has taught me alot. I won’t shy from saying things that need to be said just because other people feel discomfort. I don’t fear abandonment anymore because I have felt it all my life and it has caused about as many wounds as it can….no more. I have shouldered far too much of that discomfort internally and refuse to do it any longer. It is one thing to say it, now I must follow through. These wounds run deep and the internalisation and self disgust have been part of the landscape for so long it is impossibly hard to be rid of in two seconds. It involves changing an entire belief system and setting up boundaries where there were none and that is not easy the older you get.

For now, its a beautiful day. Too beautiful to stay inside….

It would be easy to standstill….stay away from the zone

So this morning after a very restless night and crazy dream filled sleep I’ve been thinking about how easy it would be to remain in this holding pattern because it feels safe and it’s pretty much what I have known for the last few months. After what turned out to be the best weekend I have had in a very long time (my Aussie rules football team had a great win late yesterday, I watched the game and overall the weekend had me feeling genuinely pleased about things for a change!! Sounds trite I guess but these months have been tough) I find I must keep away from the zone and try get out and make plans, move forward but that feeling in my gut is hovering. As much as it is discomfort you have to push out of it…when you can…

It is probably hard for many to understand, when you’ve been so low and depressed for a period of time and you become estranged and isolated from the real world only participating minimally the anxiety and fear you feel about re-engaging can be very real and debilitating. But what happened on the weekend was a grand step and a confirmation that I have turned that corner and I can do what I had feared I couldn’t; rejoin life properly with a future in sight. It’s important to remember there is no magic switch.

So the challenge is to keep moving. Today I have to see my Doctor anyway and I have decided to take my gym bag with me and visit the gym after my appointment. I know that exercise is important in my recovery and I must do it, regularly from this point on.

I emailed my boss this morning and told him we should meet soon, there was trepidation as I wrote it but I have to keep pushing forward. I have no idea after all this time what the meeting outcome will be, perhaps they have held off releasing me from the job because they did not want to make a bad situation worse and add to my situation. They have been amazing throughout this time, I am very blessed to have been associated with such an organisation.

No matter the outcome there will be a way forward I have to hold that in my mind. It feels like I may be trying to run instead of walk but I need to set achievable goals and take the steps now so that I don’t go backwards. Even if small steps.

Perhaps soon will be the time to start the business I was on the brink of starting when I met HIM again for the first time in years and things all changed and I put it all on hold after he initially was in such a rush for me to go to him….that was in the manic love bombing days (one day I will write more of his many words which now I realise were quite full on but I think need to be covered for sheer humour and ridiculousness…it can be related to by many who have ever had anything to do with a narcissist in the early days where they are hyper-vigilant and on some strange high about their new supply), I had come off anti-depressants and it all seemed like some beautiful gift from the gods.

In one conversation 3rd week in when he asked me if I knew he had always been there inside of me he said “I have imagined what I will say as your plane lands I will say to myself ‘my girl is home'”. At the time it was a romantic wonderful thing for him to say but months later when I did eventually arrive I am almost certain he was not thinking that….he had already started the cycles of devalue.

But I can’t re-visit that right now, I mustn’t. In time I will be able to perhaps but not now.

I have been asked out tomorrow night by someone I met the other night and I am seriously thinking about it. He has messaged me regularly since then, it has been a nice and flattering distraction. Perhaps too soon. But once again I need to just do things and keep moving until it all becomes natural.

It is my youngest sons birthday Saturday and I want to do something nice for him perhaps a dinner….

Oh wow…on cue he has just text me….I need to sign off for now….

swing from the chandelier…happy anniversary arsehole

Probably shouldn’t write now…don’t care…actually felt OK after my first few margarita’s..now well past that..where is it in the rule book that says even though you know you are going to be a depressed nutter tomorrow you must withhold..oh feck it..sick of sitting like a mummy in Le Louvre.

Had enough. Yes I will have a bad headache, possibly feel shite about many things..oh feck it. One day in a week or so. Letting loose.

Today is the one year anniversary that he sent a connect request on Linkedin (which I have subsequently disconnected). Admittedly, he saw that I had looked at his profile…I looked. He recognised me. From when I was 16?

I am full of regret for responding to him. Admittedly 3 days later, but I responded. IDIOT.

It’s almost one of the those sliding door type situations. I sooo regret it. It had the worst repercussion through the last year of my life. The timing was fecked. I have always said, live without regret. But I regret that.

Funnily, the last day or so the pain seems to have subsided where he is concerned, there is still other shit. Now I am just dealing with the constant visions. And regret.

But I am substituting his face with the face of a lovely man who is a very successful and attractive Australian businessman. Shit, it has to be someone with presence and gorgeousness, how else am I going to escape from him. I and he had trained my mind to believe he was someone of awe. He wasn’t, but that is what my mind had accepted and plays on rote (Narcs are very good at that). I have been trying to strike that by replacing the visions and thoughts.

Not easy, programming. He helped build a story. Hilarious really. Particularly the “I have the body of a 35 year old” (amongst other gems)…he is almost 60! Yes, I guess its possible, but …HE DIDN’T when I finally saw him. Although in all honesty, I hadn’t believed that one anyway. But I didn’t care, by that time I loved him, thoroughly.

But he was full of DELUSION, and I fell for some of it. He was sort of hot when I first met him..when I was 16 and he was 25 (see photo in early post, May). Sort of. If I am to be honest, at that crucial point in time, I wasn’t sure then. How did I become so convinced this time around? I just remember an aura.

I still kinda feel sad about it. His daughter turns 12 on Monday and for days I felt like I should’ve sent her a card from Australia..stamp and all, to let her know I was thinking of her…but then he would probably bin it anyway..its different for kids these days, everything is online. But I do also remember her calling me “her” and he calling her out about it, and also her deleting all the photos from my phone when I let her mess around with it. I thought it was by mistake but these days I’m not sure. I think she may be the spawn of satan and his bride (or not, he didn’t marry her that speaks reams)..sounds awful to say that, and I love kids, and I do worry about her too considering… but lately…I just don’t know.

I hate feeling this way, I always see the best in people and struggle to see the bad. It does my head in.

I am starting to sober up. I stopped drinking an hour ago, drinking water. Haven’t eaten. Lost my appetite lately, its swings and roundabouts.

Was listening to some good music though. Great Aussie girl SIA and this song in particular https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM Chandelier…Love the lyrics…I want to swing from the Chandelier…Chandelier ahh…I think I would right now if I had one!

Don’t feel as miserable as the previous days…it helps I don’t pine for him anymore…replacing his image…stopping the BS thoughts…

Now to deal with the rest.

Each day as it comes….

Where’s my psych when I need her?

I’m not sure what happened but the last day or so I have gone slightly backwards again. Actually, I do know, I took a chance to do something I enjoy and have 5 seconds of peace from my mind by having some wine and listening to music and ended up drinking far too much of the bottle, bringing up thoughts of someone who was just starting to leave my troubled mind and I’ve effectively taken the steps back.

I remember as I did it thinking I won’t feel that way because I have made incredible inroads out of my black hole, dealing with things and felt quite confident that I could partake without going down that road. He had began to not matter as much. Nearly 3 months its been.

I was wrong. I know I mustn’t beat myself up and I have spent far too much time back trying to analyse why I would want to make contact with him again. There is sometimes still, this overwhelming feeling that there needs to be a ‘do over’, that somehow it was all a bad dream and the good stuff is coming! What if he really isn’t a Narc and just completely misunderstood, it’s all some terrible mistake.

Why can’t I recognise that there is a difference between what my fantasy or what I thought he was and we could be and what the reality is.

I remember when I was with him nothing was even remotely as I expected. Even his kiss. He could not kiss (that in itself was strange because I thought I had remembered when I was 16 he was the most amazing kisser, but I was 16). His tongue seemed liked a lizards poking in and out with such frantic-ness (no technique) I remember pulling my head back for a second my mind saying “wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting that”. It was a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) in the episode where she has what she called “Jack Rabbit sex”, where the guy humorously bangs away like he’s jack hammering the sidewalk, her head pummeling against the bedhead and the next day she can’t walk properly and her neck is practically paralyzed. And then he has the audacity to say to her when she tries to nicely say lets just leave it at that; “If I knew you were going to use me for sex I wouldn’t have ‘made love’ to you like I did”. It’s hilarious.

And now when I think about it, there were so many other things that just made no sense whatsoever. Although there were certain things I expected and was right about too. Sadly. Why the analytics still? Why can’t I just let it go? It almost feels as if there is some kind of strange ‘something’ that sits in my heart that belongs only to him. That there will never be another for me even though I know he and I aren’t meant to be in this life. It’s madness, utter madness.

Maybe that is it. Even though I have gone through much, that I needed to deal with from a psychological perspective…stuff that can stay with you you’re entire life if you let it (stuff outside of this him and I situation), my mind is still trying to sort the wheat from the chaff, compartmentalise then deal. I am so much better but there is still some way to go.

I need my psych right now, she has a way of facilitating reality in my thoughts. Some days I just can’t do it on my own, still.

I wish he would just explain to me why he said one thing and did the other. Or that we could have parted in a nicer way. I keep thinking friendship in tact, but he was never really truly my friend even.

I keep thinking that he is himself psychologically damaged and that no one will realise it nor he and that he will never get the help he needs. I want to help him, I hate the thought that he will end up on his own, no support. Crazy I know, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. It is not up to me and why should I want to. And maybe I’m just wrong about it all?

So many people look at you when you are mentally unwell and say you look alright, you look fine. But that’s just it. The illness is on the inside it doesn’t always blatantly show on the outer. Some of the most ill have adapted so well that you will never see what is really going on unless you have either been unwell yourself and know the signs or there is a very well trained and capable eye looking at you.

I’m sick of seeing these numbered lists telling you “so many ways to be the perfect person”, follow these ’10 ways to’ and your life will miraculously be magical. This morning, a well known website posted “10 ways to know your are uber smart” written by a a young girl who may possibly be quite smart but by virtue of the fact that she is barely in her 20’s with little life experience how could she possibly know these 10 ways for sure?

The internet has become a quagmire of self help gurus, they are a dime a dozen, everyone’s an expert. This is why I only write about my own experience and try not to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I am showing that I am an extremely flawed individual still finding my way along the path of life.

I’m nearly 50 and I know that I am only scratching the surface of what it is possible to know. It seems the more I learn the more bloody questions I have! …….straitjacket again pleasssse….

Reporting live from dumb-ass central…..

Yes, you’ve read correctly. Reporting live from dumb- arse central!

I am a dumb-arse! I am slightly smiling as I say it but a dumb-arse nevertheless. After a slightly worse day than others recently (it happens still but not as much or as bad now), I decided in all my wisdom to relax with a glass of Red and some music which is what I tend to do less frequently now because ultimately I know what the outcome will be and after so many months of struggle, learning lessons I don’t want to take the proverbial two steps back. I’ve done so well really?!

Nope. After a few glasses (it was, a nice Spanish Rioja) and not thinking about changing the Ipod from shuffle to the ‘No BS’ mix I specifically made for myself to steer myself away from songs that reminded me of ‘him’…inevitably the ‘him’ songs made their way through the speakers and I reminisced! Torturously, it was as a sneaky pleasure (!) I thought. It’s ok to think of the good things (what little there was) once in a while and fantasise about how things could have been (no chance they ever would have, but I have a vivid imagination particularly after mind-altering substances like alcohol…removes the boundaries..again I committed the ultimate act of self betrayal by emailing him.

Sad, so very sad, but true. He has to this very day stuck to his ‘no contact’ rule, so why couldn’t I? I’m only hurting myself. If he really is a Narc as I am almost certain he is and so is my Pysch then I have been succinctly relegated to the discard pile no longer part of the ‘supply’ chain. My ‘use by’ date long expired.

And by contacting him again I have shown myself to be even more damaged, neurotic and clingy than he told me I was “you need to work on yourself, let go of your dependencies, the past etc etc. I’m here, just don’t take another 30 years”.

I think the most painful part is that he was right. In the love bomb phase where I was bombarded with beautiful lines of care and pseudo love he managed to extract all that he needed to make these summary statements. His ability was astounding, or maybe not so he was playing with a very willing opponent. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and then eventually started the game of with-hold of contact and affection because he knew me so well. He would then come back for periods of a time and do it again “I can’t wait for our first night together. I will make love to you all night. I can’t wait to see you lying underneath me’.

I came to need him like I needed air. I trusted him wholeheartedly and I don’t trust easily.

Even now I can see that my actions only confirm his diagnosis. I can clearly see what I am doing wrong and yet I trip every now and then….no self control. All this therapy and back to almost square one? NOOOOO

NO WAY. Mindset.  And ‘CUE’ text from a concerned friend;

“Alcohol tends to be a catalyst for doing things you shouldn’t, r regressing of some kind.Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re only human.  And its bound to happen now and then. But maybe getting boozy solo isn’t the best idea” (us Aussies are always to the point, and reasonably laid back! Part of our charm!)

My response “Ya reckon??!!!!” “No more solo endeavours” 😦  thanks my friend.

Now, to build that bridge and get over it!

LOVE AND WHITE LIGHT….the flawed one!

Time out….metamorphosis…from pain to joy..

It’s been quite freeing the last few days walking away from social media and even this blog. Friday I was going to throw caution to the wind and have a different type of time out..with wine and music. I didn’t. And I don’t regret it.

I am starting to see things in a different light, and I like what I see. It is no longer coloured by negativity but a perspective that in every thing which appears to be incredibly painful there is also a blessing. I am finally grateful for my pain because of the incredible joy I have found in the lessons learned. Seriously.

I spent time this weekend doing things I enjoy…true time out. Often laughter, often at myself. At times processing and making sense of things and realising that some things aren’t meant to make sense. It just is.

This will be the possibly the last time I will mention ‘him’ because he no longer matters. There is a much better life beyond him. But part of my necessary processing and final let go was about him.

For example, when I think of ‘him’ now I only feel pity. Pity can be seen as a word to recoil from or patronising but it means to see something through the eyes of compassion amongst other meanings.

He will never know the kind of unconditional love he may have had from someone who cared so deeply, he doesn’t trust it and does not know how to accept it.  Eventually he will know that people will realise how unwell and broken he is inside, including his daughter as she becomes a woman in her own right. She will question his inability to keep a normal relationship for any length of time and his actions. Why is there a trail of brokenness? I sincerely hope that she will come out of her attachment to him whole. I think of her often and feel sad for her.  People who seek to control and hurt others with their actions will always be exposed in the end. He is trapped in perpetual motion that must in itself be incredibly tiring and debilitating to his health as much as at present it is thrilling in what he sees as his’wins’. These wins will eventually become hollow reality. Hollow. You can not hide from your demons they will eventually rise to face you.

His behaviour is part of an illness and it is one that will never subside unless he comes to a place of awareness and want to change. Sadly the track record is fairly damning for narcissists. You may want to be there and help and love them but in a majority of cases there is no way for a narc to accept that help and love because they do not believe they need help. They are unable to see it, or admit to it if they do. Their solid exterior is that only, exterior, inside they are a chaotic mess. What a horrible way to live your life. Always seeking the thrill of your next conquest, your egotistical supply and it never really being enough.

They always find supply because unfortunately there are other ‘brokens’ out there who are easily manipulated by the charm and simply just want and need what is on offer initially. It is very hard to resist. But with a narc, it can’t be offered for a long period of time, the thrill dies off easily, its simply never enough.

It has taken me a while to accept this for what it is. And I feel sadness for him, and for a long time I wanted to help him because I remembered who I thought was a divine promising young man that I fell in love with many years ago, in a very short space of time. I saw something in him, felt it, even though I was very young…now I know what I saw may have existed then but does not now. When I walked out he knew he would never have control of me again so I had lost my appeal…he cut me off. I no longer exist, I am of no use. Narcissists are incapable of empathy. What a gift he gave me in letting me out of his circle of pain. I am grateful.

And it is not what I want for my life and deep inside I knew it at the time I walked out but it has taken all this time to really understand that I was following my instinct, my intuition and that I should always trust myself. Lesson learned, the hard way but learnt nevertheless!:)

The other stuff, things that have weighed me down for so long no longer hold the same type of power or significance. They are significant but now I know it is because it has taught me what I needed to know.

Over this sad time of depression and grief it feels as though I have gone through a metamorphisis; completely emptied myself of despair, felt pain so unbearable, fear of what might happen to me if I let go of these things that bind me and complete confusion. I’ve felt completely alone and yet I coveted the isolation. I needed it to get through this. Part of the change has been to discard what I kept because for a long time I thought without it I could not survive, whether consciously or not it is what I felt I needed…including friendships. I was completely fearful of being alone and therefore kept a hold on ties that never really helped me at all and if anything were toxic.

Admitting to yourself that you have perpetuated this circle of pain of your own volition is extremely tough (admitting your part in it all). But it is necessary in the healing process. You can’t without it.

I have forgiven those that have hurt me or have not been a positive part of my life and even thought they will no longer play a part in it I am grateful that they did in the past. I forgive myself, it is impossible to go through life making decisions that are always right, it’s not human.

I watched an incredibly inspiring movie last night called ‘Belle’. Based in the late 1700’s and on a true story it is about an illegitimate, mixed-race daughter of a British admiral who plays an important role in the campaign to abolish slavery in England. It was amazing. It highlighted to me that you do not have to accept the will of others, who impose their own biases and prejudices and expectations. That if you remain true to you and combine it with action what an extraordinary difference you can make not only in your own life but in that of others…in good intention. With love, honesty, compassion and forgiveness.

Thought for the day….sometimes you have to laugh…

It’s a short post today. I may post later although that may be a bad idea because I have set Friday as my throw caution to the wind and just enjoy it day now. There is wine and music involved.

I have my psych appointment this morning, I have a number of sessions left before I re-commit to the real world. This has been my ‘deal with’ time, my ‘get better’ time and my ‘ask the surgeon for the missing part of your brain back that he took when you had the partial lobotomy of loving the wrong person’ time!

Should I joke? Depression, existential crisis and other stuff is not funny it’s serious, but I have had many weeks on the incredibly serious wagon and I’m getting real tired of that shit. And they say that laughter is the best medicine.

I know there is a process and time and patience is involved but I have expended an awful lot of time and energy being down in the dark hole, I deserve better…I’ve been working on better.

Realistically, the only person who can really pull you out that hole is you (and for some that is almost impossible, I acknowledge that, but not impossible). But I want out of it for good and whatever it takes I will do.

I’ve been reading some real funny stuff lately (one of my new approaches in distraction and healing…time with comedy, laughter) including a book by Greg and Amiira Behrendt called “It’s called a break up because it’s broken: the smart girls breakup buddy”.   I highly recommend this book co-authored by his wife. (Greg wrote ‘He’s just not that into you’ years ago.)

I love this pearl of wisdom she wrote in her intro apparently by her granny;

“Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit”….think about it!

Comes a time….thank you for the valuable lesson…

Isn’t it funny that when you are going through the mire and you hear all the damn cliche’s like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” trotted out by well meaning friends and strangers you just want to either punch them or tell them to “shut the hell up!”

But, and listen up people, the fact of the matter is; IT IS SO DAMN TRUE!

There is so much evidence to prove this much used saying, you got to say…someone coined that for a reason!

When I first started writing my blog the intention was catharsism and distraction. And the theme was just let it go wherever you want it to go..you just need to write, let it out. And I have.

The tone has been so dark in places, and that is because I have been through a pretty dark time in my life, one of many as those that have followed will know. It started as a way of moving past a detrimental relationship, became about a depression I was trying to avoid but ended up having, reliving a bad childhood and past that had affected me throughout my life had a major bearing on how I lived, the decisions I made, the people I chose to see as friends but who really weren’t and had a toxic effect on my life, resentment about my sons’ illness and other hurts, and also about taking responsibility for myself and my actions.

The time has come to choose and take a new direction. To admit that everything that has happened has contained its own lesson…even more recently him, Joe, and I would like to thank him formally here because if he hadn’t come back into my life and stomped on it, I would never have commenced this process of self awareness, honesty, healing and repair and finally come to the realisation not only of the things I don’t want in my life but the epiphany that I now am starting to get about what I do want in my life.

EPIPHANY. The urban dictionary has a quite funny definition; Top Definition. epiphany. a smart-sounding word for realizing you’ve been practically retarded for quite some time.

Now before anyone jumps on the “politically correct bandwagon, waves their hands around in the air screaming “Oh that’s so wrong, to use that word, you are having a go at a people type, boycott this blog yada yada” well no, I’m not, and the urban dictionary is not, and IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE especially these days for one word (IE retarded) to have several references…so there!

I digress.

Time and psych visits, self exploration and will to move forward have been what has finally started to allow me to actually open my eyes, and receive the stuff that some lucky bastards are just born with or learn earlier in life. There is no point in detailing it here there are a million blogs that will tell you the magical formula to success in life. That is not what this is about for me. I want to find a way to write and earn an income from it as well, but it is more important to just do what makes me happy and in the process hopefully those around me will be as well.  I don’t quite know exactly where the change has come from but I feel it…perhaps this mindfulness and forgiveness stuff I have been working on?

So, what do you do with your new found epiphany? Your new way of seeing things? You write about that as well. I was at a crossroads, hence part of the blog title! I kinda still am but I know that there are many options opening up to me that I never saw before.

I am less than a year shy of 50! If I am lucky and I do things right like diet (no, not the starving myself kind…never done that and never will, its about being sensible) and exercise, start to engage/re-engage with the right kind of people; the non toxic, honest, not so self interested and just plain intelligent kind. Find my tribe, so to speak. Focus on things that matter and let the rest take care of it itself. Be kind and aim not to hurt anyone whilst at the same time not put the welcome mat out on my forehead again for people to wipe their muddied boots on. Do things the way I want to not how everyone expects me to ie be authentic…I guess that is a pretty good way to start…

Everyone reaches a crossroads. Sometimes several times in their life. Not everyone gets the lessons or takes the opportunities that sometimes come from places of pain and hurt and that is sad. I will continue to impart my observations and musings, the story about what happens with life beyond him. Maybe not daily, just as it comes… I am grateful and thankful for the valuable lessons.

With love and white light 🙂

Better out than in….how many times can a person bang their head against the wall?

Sometimes you have to say to yourself ‘how many times can you bang your head against the wall before it starts to hurt and you realise how futile it is?’. Well? Even though my psych thinks I am doing OK and progressing, I on the other hand struggle to find the sane person within me on a regular basis. This is a kind of Dear Diary entry today. I need a stern talking to and there is no-one around to do it but me….

Like yesterday. I was doing fine or so I thought. I was talking to a dear friend who is having a tough time right now (Yeh, I know, a bit like the blind leading the blind but how can you say no to a friend in need? Even if you are struggling yourself? I just can’t…say no easily…I care). But the conversation was tough, long and tough, trying to get them to see their way of thinking was not helping them and the biggest irony was that I am not thinking straight either.

I ended up drinking more than a bottle of red wine yesterday afternoon/night, something I rarely do anymore and I didn’t want to yesterday but I found myself there. I just did. There were tears. There was rebellion of thought. And then I did the worst thing I could possibly do after everything and that was to email him (Joe) late last night 9pm my time (Sunday night Perth WA) and would have been 6am Sunday morning in sunny Arizona. Bloody hell. Why? What did I hope to achieve?

My email was short, the title; ‘Still f…ed up…thank you very much’.  An then I pasted a YouTube song link, a Santana song ‘you know that I love you’ and under that I wrote ‘UP YURS;)’ in caps.

What the hell? Crazy is as crazy does…and now I find myself sitting and ruminating again. Back at crazy town, after some good days and good progress. Miserable. Yesterday morning I could see forward a bit. Today, nothing.

Is this meant to happen? I am a grown woman should I not have impulse control by now?  When will this form of self flagellation end. He is the anti-christ not a god, and I am just a dumb bird that fell for his BS. His cocaine hit for a period of time. His ego boost until he found another.  He was never going to respond, why would he? What we had was an illusion, he did not feel anything for me, he is not capable of it, he proved that by his actions but also his inaction.

What is this mad attachment I have to this man? Was my self esteem so shattered that the lies he told in the beginning, the crazy, full on ‘ you are coming to realise that I am your rock, your stability, you may never have had’, ‘your friends may care but not like I do’, “I love you’ within the first 2 weeks, ‘we need to come together for the rest of our lives and we need to do it now’ and many more manipulating, convincing words,  and when the flags warned me and I said ‘no, I need to slow this down a bit, we don’t have to do anything right now’ he said ‘sweetie, that’s not how I do things, I take life and live it, I don’t wait’, and then after his mania started to peter and I was ‘on the hook’ and started seeing things his way and no longer a challenge, when he realised I was questioning things, he started to disappear for periods at a time, throw the odd crumb. Classic Narc. I am still under that spell.

But, as I write…I have reminded myself…where I was…and where I had gotten to so far…before my conniption yesterday. Perhaps, if I step back and think more rationally, if possible with this hangover, maybe, just maybe this is part of the process of clearing.

Maybe, there will be these ‘bumps’ along the road and it is how I navigate them that matters? Come on girl, you have been fighting for so long..don’t give up now. Thought defusion. Remember, these things only have the power if you let them. IF YOU LET THEM….better out than in..