Its been over a week since my last post (Boy, that almost sounds like a confessional doesn’t it…forgive me father for I have sinned its been so long since my last confession).
I have been laying here awake since some ungodly hour…it is now 0423 am, ruminating, something I do far less these days but I guess we all have times like this when we wake and just can’t get back to sleep and then thoughts raid our minds.
So I got up and made a hot cocoa and decided to write. Ahhh my dear blog I’ve missed you old friend…
Not alot has been happening since the big hoohaa of New Years. But then again did I really expect it would? It’s been 6 days! I haven’t won lotto, haven’t had a marriage proposal…oh now I am waffling..
You see, I kind of broke my cardinal rule. Do not Facebook friend any men I have ‘dated’ because they will see my blog posts as I post through my page (and then reset the privacy feature) and may out of curiosity actually click through and read it. And this has been my private (semi) pleasure and release, most of my readers are overseas (I know this because of the wonderful stats wordpress shows you). They may just see how really damned kooky I am!
But then I said to myself ‘this is you, this is what you do, it is your life and you don’t need to feel censored by other peoples opinions’ as many of us including me have felt and therefore live an inauthentic life. Just go with the flow, do what you want and just relax. Be yourself.
I just started to write about…him (the yank)..and his expectations of me and then I realised that up until this point and even after my random ‘fuck you…wasted too much of my energy on you …OVER’ text in a drunken stupor on New Years eve I rarely think about him or bring him up in conversation anymore, although I did on the weekend because I was discussing the story with a lovely man I’ve met. And I had decided to really step away from ‘the good one’ because I feel he was only ‘good’ to serve his own purpose and was highly averse to confrontation hence the ‘goodness’ ie it was all part of his modus operandi.
I had a lovely weekend. We walked the beach, drank copious amounts of whiskey, talked and laughed and he invited me to stay over and I did. We watched back to back shows off netflix etc all the next day and couch potatoed and all up it was just lovely and peaceful and he was very good company.
So easy to be with and talk to.
And the funny thing that happened was that he did not want to sleep with me our first night (I say funny because for me I remember going through a ‘this does not compute’ moment). Now I know this is the ‘rule’ that many espouse but I happen to enjoy…the act..immensely… and if I feel like it I just do it. Why not? I am single, free, and at what I consider my prime and dammit if men can why can’t us women? Or those of us that don’t have a problem with it and actually enjoy sex and haven’t got our sphincters tightly clenched “oh, how ghastly, how ho-ish, you have to play hard to get, make them work for it” …Honey, I don’t play games, games are for children.
I know I am not the only one (That doesn’t make it right, and I don’t think it makes it wrong either…it is personal and subjective), but many will not admit to it let alone put it in a public blog! And he had said to me ‘I have never done that in my life, slept with someone I just met’ and ironically I was thinking ‘what the? How old fashioned’ but I guess this goes back to what is ‘socially’ and morally acceptable and the rules and expectations that have been imposed on us, some of which is necessary for absence of chaos! And then your own personal moral compass.
All I know is, I have had enough of regret and choose to live my life as I want to without judging myself and trying not to judge others also. To just ‘go with the flow’.
So it seems he and I will become good friends, well at this point it does. We seem to connect on a different level and it is nice and easy and honest.
Why not enjoy our experiences with people as they flow into and out of our lives often for very good reasons and lessons. Some for life, some for just a fleeting moment. Isn’t that what life is all about?
Love and whitelight xx