The Fat lady is singing…

How can it be 4 seasons in one day? Oh believe me, in my world it is entirely possible. I feel a tad like Carrie Bradshaw, no not intentionally for attention grab but because I am finally starting to get certain answers to the mystery of love and relationships after so long (although if you think you have all the answers…ohhh lorrd…). She would write about the idiosyncrasies of sex and relationships in New York and just in general.

At this moment I am absolutely shatfaced (British expression for ‘off my face’) and should not be writing. But the binge and purge continues. Things just aren’t right at present on many levels and yet there are still some surprisingly good.

The yank (2 in Chicago, on skype to me today for hours as we have over weeks now again) inspired me when he said in a pondering stare into the abyss and after I observed “my darling you seem very pondering right now?!” Lol. He said “I am thinking about giving it all up and writing”. That was unexpected because even though he is much more creative and extremely intelligent than I and I also want to just drop out and write, he is still very attached to the ethos..honest earning..on the treadmill.

‘Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself’

‘A non writing writer is a monster courting insanity’

-Franz Kafka

I said “is everything alright?” meaning can I take your temperature? ha

He was more inebriated than me (with the time difference it was the early hours of the morning in Chicago for him but he works night/am shifts so it works and keeps the schedule on his days off) and had been out in the wonderful Chicago energy. I have been there, I know.  We have the most tremendous ‘thinking’ conversations. The connect is palpable. But he seemed serious, and we discussed it and other questions of the cosmos…

He has been there, over this tough time. Could have ran again but he didn’t. I appreciate the friendship, but its more than that. And he came back.

And then there is the Yank 3, whom I have spoken with every day since we reconnected. He is funny, and interesting and as we started to reconnect I realised that there was a nice energy between us. At a strange time he has been there too. And he came back. I am glad. He has managed to take my mind away from…all of it..mostly.

And the Chevy guy from past. We spent a bit of time together in the last fortnight, as friends but just partying and getting over our issues. He nearly lost his business recently in this ridiculous melee that is our economy here in Perth. He messages regularly, and again tonight when I apologised that last night I didn’t respond because I had seriously cried myself to sleep

Not about the good one..the Italian’, there are things worse at the moment although having feelings for him he has been exhausting and emotionally draining (because he is hot, cold and often far self interested) Chevy guy as said “I did too funnily enough” Cry and fall asleep last night (this guy is 6’2 and looks like a bikie!!) although he is actually a sensitive soul.

But the “Good one” has haunted me on and off this last week or so and I still don’t understand why considering, he re engaged and then disengaged again. That seemingly endless cycle and I felt our connect had finally seemed to dissipate but it was hard and sad because he was tangible. He was here, in this country, and semi present and at times it felt real. But I came to realise that he had never really called over my difficult time to say ‘are you OK?’. How is your son going?’ and times we spent together were always squashed between his time, when it was convenient. Not because he really wanted to see me. Took me a while to accept that.

It is only after you start to wake up and the emotions turn from love to disappointment and reality that you recognise what a profound waste of time it all was.

Much earlier this afternoon I started on Cosmopolitans and progressed thereafter, wines and …..

At this moment I dont give a flying feck who reads this. I know that public is public. And no one should ever assume the extent of one’s troubles.

Part of the descent of my ‘relationship’ with “the good one” was that he started to read my blog. Read, not understand, and respond. “just read your blog, dont call me again”. “you seem to have enough guys to go on with””did you sleep with him?” yada yada.

My response although I didn’t say it, was; you don’t want me but its not OK for me to get on with my life.

I messaged him tonight, no courtesy to respond. It is sad but I accept it.

I know people come into our life for whatever time and reason. I am just unsure why he was ever there…sex? Is that all? Over the time we spent together?. That seems so crass and yet so common.

Finally the fat lady is singing. Its time on a waste of time it seems.

And yet, there is in endings new beginnings….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

Perschonkered and the bullshitometer…!

Oh hell, I shouldn’t be writing this right now. I am officially pershonkered (pissed..drunk..depends on where you are!!)..Yes its midweek! Yes it’s 9.30pm..I got a good start and it was not my intention. AND only 15 minutes ago I made a call to America..WHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING?

But it was a little….ahhh bejesus..a song that that DEMON fuckhead bastard c..tface (forgive me lord but when I am angry at someone….) made as part of a tape years ago for me. I do, like the songs. It reminded me and I felt the need to say, I am sad about what happened and HAVE A GOOD FUCKING LIFE YOU SHITHEAD BASTARD, well, I did say have a good life!

I am sitting here scratching my head , there is so much I could say, but, well at least I must say; there are some wonderful things happening at present and yet, inevitably when you put your faith in human beings they let you down…c’est la vie!

So, irrespective of the f..n crap…I have managed to find a nice man and we are sorting and getting to know each other right now. We have had several dates in a very short space in time, it’s been practically every second day, the most amazing and wahoo dates…wining dining great conversation, surprising mutual interests yadda and in between he messages me good morning and good night etc, manages to tell me he is thinking of me…until today…

Today, is the first day out of several, many, and my head straight away goes into the mode that it has a set pattern for; he is out of reach…withdrawing…you need to grasp…attach…fear, freak out he is leaving you because you are not worthy, you never have been, lasting conditioning of the past. CONDITIONING

It wasn’t until I read another of my psychology books..Susan Anderson, Taming the Outer Child and the chapter about relationships that she reminded me that those of us who have been blessed (!) with experiences of abuse, psychological, narcissistic, physical and other wonderful pieces of crap in our lives develop neural pathways and rehearsed responses and reactions to new similar stimuli and we react according to those experiences. It takes awareness..to move forward and out of that.

I fully believe for example that Joe, being the very intelligent cerebral narcissist that he was knew exactly who he was dealing with and what he was doing and he psychologically got me at the right time, and I trusted him because of  a past belief, experience of him. I have always been considered a reasonably intelligent woman, not quite Mensa, but street wise on top of clever, smart. But that fucker got into my mind and he knew what he was doing.

And because of the legacy of that raving fucking Narcissistic bastard and past history it totally fucked me..until recently…UNTIL…recently

So I met this ‘lovely’ man. It has been an amazing time in such a small space in time, he has been like a gift and totally reminded me that there are good men out there, and good relationships…well…so far…

But I have to say, I now have a built in BULLSHitometer and I can’t help but be cynical..learnt responses that we need to be aware of to move forward.

Is that Joe and others legacy, do I allow that BS to dictate my future

I haven’t heard from this beautiful man today..only one day out of so many that he has shown me his thoughts about me, his care and respect.

I have also come to realise that when a man wants to be with you he will make that next date, book that time or try, there is no such thing as mixed signals, that is just us fucking women and our BS….

So I guess, if he doesn’t come back, irrespective of his prior actions and professions….I just fucking move on, without internalising rejection….for the first time in my life?

YES…I do..it’s called self awareness and strength. The belief in yourself as a worthy and lovable human being…irrespective of your conditioning and experiences…love yourself..not narcissisticaly..just self respect and healthy self esteem..not selfies every minute of the day, just a sense of self…rising above all the crap….lovenwhitelight xx

Thought for the day….sometimes you have to laugh…

It’s a short post today. I may post later although that may be a bad idea because I have set Friday as my throw caution to the wind and just enjoy it day now. There is wine and music involved.

I have my psych appointment this morning, I have a number of sessions left before I re-commit to the real world. This has been my ‘deal with’ time, my ‘get better’ time and my ‘ask the surgeon for the missing part of your brain back that he took when you had the partial lobotomy of loving the wrong person’ time!

Should I joke? Depression, existential crisis and other stuff is not funny it’s serious, but I have had many weeks on the incredibly serious wagon and I’m getting real tired of that shit. And they say that laughter is the best medicine.

I know there is a process and time and patience is involved but I have expended an awful lot of time and energy being down in the dark hole, I deserve better…I’ve been working on better.

Realistically, the only person who can really pull you out that hole is you (and for some that is almost impossible, I acknowledge that, but not impossible). But I want out of it for good and whatever it takes I will do.

I’ve been reading some real funny stuff lately (one of my new approaches in distraction and healing…time with comedy, laughter) including a book by Greg and Amiira Behrendt called “It’s called a break up because it’s broken: the smart girls breakup buddy”.   I highly recommend this book co-authored by his wife. (Greg wrote ‘He’s just not that into you’ years ago.)

I love this pearl of wisdom she wrote in her intro apparently by her granny;

“Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit”….think about it!

Things that remind you…changing old habits…happiness?

Changing or re-wiring your thoughts takes time and takes incremental steps. I have been taking these steps.

Every morning now, well, for a good few mornings at least I wake without that horrible dread, that ‘what now’ feeling, that pull towards the dark.  And even though and yes it seems ridiculous to me but it just is, I still have him pop into my head I seem more able to allow it and then it goes pretty quickly (it is very difficult to let go of the deep love you felt for someone even if it was bad for you). It coinciding with other issues that need dealing with slows things a tad. I am starting to feel more hopeful. Less blue. More sure that even though I don’t quite know what the future holds I know there will be one. (Unless I get hit by a bus or something…shouldn’t joke about that because I did get hit by a car many years ago but that’s in the past!  See, I don’t tend to do things by halves!!:)). And then there are times when I say to myself, oh, just get on with it will you?

I was going through my emails this morning and on one of my accounts I noticed two Macy’s emails. Yes that huge department store chain from America. I signed up for emails apparently when I was over there and I bought 3 pairs of shoes in one go (no, I am not a typical female shoe nut I just happened to be at the store killing time…he (now nameless) had no time for me and I had already done some of the housework, been for my walk…he didn’t want me to go out but he didn’t want me there either so I decided to keep myself occupied..and usually I hate shopping!).

We don’t have Macy’s here, I wish we did, or at least the fantastic prices and range they have….Australia and more so Perth is just so ridiculously expensive still even though the mining boom is long over.

Once again I digress. The point was even though I finally am starting to change my thoughts there are still constant reminders of him and they come from the most ridiculous things and I realise as I think that my mind had conjured up a fantastical positive memory of him but at the same time now I know most of that was fallacy. Wishful thinking. Just plain silly. But I have been told and have read that many that have been hit by the tornado of narcissism feel that way, many spend years in therapy. I am lucky my exposure was relatively short this time, but it was enough to f..ck with an already damaged mind.

Simply was not true. It is that that I still struggle with. Admitting this is hard but necessary. At times it makes me feel like I have completely lost the plot and have some weird obsession for this man (even if he was not who I thought he was..he helped construct that image), this man who clearly was a narcissist and quite clearly either doesn’t realise it  or chooses to ignore it (I often wondered why he kept saying to me he wanted a relationship where both watched each others backs no matter what, he knew how to treat the ‘right’ woman…perhaps somewhere there he knew it would take someone extraordinarily masochistic to hang in there under those circumstances, with him. At the time I was so in love and blinded I wanted to give him everything he wanted and more) …I had not even considered he may be (a narc) at the beginning until my Psychologist told me after going through things in depth about our history. It’s been 2 and a half months and I still need to get it out. And I don’t want to burden and annoy people with the same old story so I write..this was part of my reason for this blog. I am not unhappy any more, I know I am still a little stuck but it is changing, I just need to talk about it…as often I need to until I don’t. Until the things that remind me no longer do and are replaced by much happier, more real and worthwhile things…

That’s how badly my mind has been in need of fixing. Re-wiring, re-programming. I always feel so highly aware of how everyone else copes and recovers from bad events in their life and measure myself against that.

That is still there. The damage runs deep. But the healing is happening too. And as I said yesterday I can see a new world of opportunity opening up and its both scary and wonderful at the same time. Still times when I beat myself up but its less and less now and I usually can forgive myself…and say go easy old girl..C’est la vie!

I guess the alternative is scary, back to reality, but seeing it in a new light…without old prejudices and biases? After a lifetime of thinking a certain way, of viewing threw a tainted window.

Yesterday, they released a survey conducted here in Australia about what makes people happy (here in Australia, now). Some of the findings were quite hilarious particularly ‘the happiest women live in Queensland’ and don’t have a partner and the men are happier with a partner. It pretty much inferred that women are happier and healthier without a man in their life!

I wonder if there is something in that? It also said ‘don’t be poor and drink lots of wine’ I kid you not! see just one of the articles written about this study http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-recipe-for-health-and-happiness-in-australia-20150715-gibwxd   Ahhh Aussies! Crazy.

I guess I need to test that theory now…stay single..makes lots of money..and drink lots of my favorite wine, oh and travel to the States more often to shop at Macy’s!….there..the answers been there all the time!

Better out than in….how many times can a person bang their head against the wall?

Sometimes you have to say to yourself ‘how many times can you bang your head against the wall before it starts to hurt and you realise how futile it is?’. Well? Even though my psych thinks I am doing OK and progressing, I on the other hand struggle to find the sane person within me on a regular basis. This is a kind of Dear Diary entry today. I need a stern talking to and there is no-one around to do it but me….

Like yesterday. I was doing fine or so I thought. I was talking to a dear friend who is having a tough time right now (Yeh, I know, a bit like the blind leading the blind but how can you say no to a friend in need? Even if you are struggling yourself? I just can’t…say no easily…I care). But the conversation was tough, long and tough, trying to get them to see their way of thinking was not helping them and the biggest irony was that I am not thinking straight either.

I ended up drinking more than a bottle of red wine yesterday afternoon/night, something I rarely do anymore and I didn’t want to yesterday but I found myself there. I just did. There were tears. There was rebellion of thought. And then I did the worst thing I could possibly do after everything and that was to email him (Joe) late last night 9pm my time (Sunday night Perth WA) and would have been 6am Sunday morning in sunny Arizona. Bloody hell. Why? What did I hope to achieve?

My email was short, the title; ‘Still f…ed up…thank you very much’.  An then I pasted a YouTube song link, a Santana song ‘you know that I love you’ and under that I wrote ‘UP YURS;)’ in caps.

What the hell? Crazy is as crazy does…and now I find myself sitting and ruminating again. Back at crazy town, after some good days and good progress. Miserable. Yesterday morning I could see forward a bit. Today, nothing.

Is this meant to happen? I am a grown woman should I not have impulse control by now?  When will this form of self flagellation end. He is the anti-christ not a god, and I am just a dumb bird that fell for his BS. His cocaine hit for a period of time. His ego boost until he found another.  He was never going to respond, why would he? What we had was an illusion, he did not feel anything for me, he is not capable of it, he proved that by his actions but also his inaction.

What is this mad attachment I have to this man? Was my self esteem so shattered that the lies he told in the beginning, the crazy, full on ‘ you are coming to realise that I am your rock, your stability, you may never have had’, ‘your friends may care but not like I do’, “I love you’ within the first 2 weeks, ‘we need to come together for the rest of our lives and we need to do it now’ and many more manipulating, convincing words,  and when the flags warned me and I said ‘no, I need to slow this down a bit, we don’t have to do anything right now’ he said ‘sweetie, that’s not how I do things, I take life and live it, I don’t wait’, and then after his mania started to peter and I was ‘on the hook’ and started seeing things his way and no longer a challenge, when he realised I was questioning things, he started to disappear for periods at a time, throw the odd crumb. Classic Narc. I am still under that spell.

But, as I write…I have reminded myself…where I was…and where I had gotten to so far…before my conniption yesterday. Perhaps, if I step back and think more rationally, if possible with this hangover, maybe, just maybe this is part of the process of clearing.

Maybe, there will be these ‘bumps’ along the road and it is how I navigate them that matters? Come on girl, you have been fighting for so long..don’t give up now. Thought defusion. Remember, these things only have the power if you let them. IF YOU LET THEM….better out than in..

You will breathe again…finding you…

It’s been a bloody long journey, I am starting to breathe again.  Some people, particularly those blessed with sound mind are able to ride out life’s tough times with barely a scratch. Generally, everyone has it tough at some time in their life. It’s the Yin to the Yang, the cycle of life. It’s not realistic to be happy and flow easily all throughout life…and anyway, how boring would that be?! There needs to be bad to really understand the good, its about balance. And it’s reality.

Some people for some damn reason get dealt the shit cards (sorry for the language, sometimes there is just no substitute when making a point!) and spend a great deal of their time on this earth in struggle and in those times isn’t it understandable to wonder “why me?”. Others have things taken out of their hands, no say in the matter.

We have become a world where empathy is temporary. We want to see positive and happy all the time it makes us feel good thinking that there is no bad or evil, just Kardashians!  We don’t have to work on anything if we ignore it, the bad stuff, it’s someone else’s problem. Anyway, don’t we have enough on our plate to deal with? There are enough ‘do gooders’ out there to help out, I’ll just sit on the sidelines and clap the champion and all will be well. I’ll just listen to the feel good stuff, that other negative wallow is a downer man. Who needs it?

The general school of thought is that you can ‘think positive’ and all will be well. I agree to some extent, I myself have gone down the mindfulness path amongst other things, thinking positive and being in the moment helps but it fails to take in the realities of life, sometimes things happen that you have NO CONTROL over. If you suffer from any form of mental illness and for many it is not through any fault of their own (we are all a product of our environment), or any other illness it is not always possible to just will it away. I do believe it’s possible to attract prosperity and good will but it has alot to do with the action associated with the thought. That is not to say it is fine staying mired in the victim mentality either (but reality is it is not always an easy process to come out of that way of thinking).

The mind is so powerful. I am in awe of the things I have learned over this period. And now it seems that things that have happened were a necessary part of this journey that is my life. I was dealt these cards and now I have chosen to deal with it in a way that has been difficult but I think well worth the effort. It’s not quite over, it would be unrealistic to think I have magically fixed everything and it is all smooth sailing from here, however I find myself opening the curtains and the tight feeling in my chest is being replaced by the more even flow of breath. I am asthmatic, but it is well under control, and I’m not talking about asthma! The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone. I can actually see forward now and know that there is the possibility of a much brighter future. It may not be the one I had envisaged, but it could actually be so much better. (I had reached an almost similar point last year after I had finally stopped the anti-depressants and then Joe came in and created more damage and didn’t care that he did…but it was the final act in years of my acceptance of people walking over the top of me. BUT IT IS THE FINAL ACT. I will no longer live that way. My awareness is acute but not defining….Love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, strength).

My psych said to me on Friday that the things I have been trying to deal with and clear are truly shitty things that many would not have pulled through as I have. She said it takes courage to become an ‘active’ participant in healing wounds inflicted deep over many years (but it did take me a long while to become so). She was quite complimentary strangely and in between tears I would look at her and laugh and she would say ‘you don’t believe me but it is true’. When you spend time in true realisation and start breaking down the powerful forces that you have not been able to acknowledge and let go of but they have been destructible forces, some within, yet many not within your control it is hard to see the real you inside. Somewhere along the way I disappeared.

You need someone to say ‘I see you. I feel you and it is OK’. And don’t expect it from others, most don’t have the capacity for it. Those that do will show themselves. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. But you need to see you the most because that is what is often neglected when you become the welcome mat that others wipe their feet on.

You can break the cycle….you truly can….YET ANOTHER GOOD DAY….:)

PS..I would like to thank those that are following my blog and the likes I have received, not  alot as compared with others but I never started this for recognition, just catharsis. I have read your blogs and would love to follow and read all of yours but it’s impossible. There are so many damn good blogs out there! There are some truly wonderful, helpful and inspirational ones and some damn good writers too. Just know that I send best wishes and love and light x

Homework…the inventory…being real..the cost of mental illness…

My curtain is open this morning, the sun is shining even though it is cold, around 4 degrees celsius at present (9am) which is reasonably cold for Perth as our winters are nowhere near the winters of many other places.

I woke and for the first time in a few days I felt no pain, less fog and I managed to stop my brain from ruminating as much as it has been. I thought of Joe (it has always been one of the first in the chaos of my mind) and then I said to myself “I notice that I am having thoughts about Joe and that’s OK” and then he slipped back out again, no tug at the heart this time…nothing. My psych told me when I have any of these obtrusive thoughts to do that; notice and acknowledge in my mind that they are just thoughts. It brings you to the present, it makes the mind aware that they really are just thoughts and thoughts can not hurt you unless you allow them to. You need to keep it up thought defusion, it takes time and effort if your a bit of a case!!

It sounds very basic in premise but when you have difficulty with thought processes of the mind you must bring things back to basics. Part of the re-wiring process, and it is a process.

This is what is taking time. I do recognise it on clearer days like today. Yesterday and days before were dark and now today there is some light. Oh please let that be from now on…

What happened to get to here today? Work. Homework and self healing. Giving myself some patience and understanding instead of frustration and self loathing. And maybe something else but I don’t know what…

My psych homework was to do an inventory. Part of a 12 step process that is usually reserved for alcoholics  and drug addicts in their recovery programs but the inventory (4th step) is also used by psychs for other types of mental processing that involve resentment and fear which can totally debilitate you. After half a day of mental hell yesterday I picked up the paperwork and forced myself to work through it…I had been avoiding it for some inexplicable reason.

My resentment list was long and no prizes for guessing who were the first few at the top!  It gets you to list as many things as you can muster your mind to recall and when you are in fog and misery it is tough to do (it can even include employers, colleagues, teachers, organisations you have dealt with, it is very comprehensive and at times you feel like…is this for real? But they ask you to just include everything no matter how big or small).

But I am so glad I did it. It did not feel good at the time..the process took a fair while, there are many components and you have to be at a place where you are completely honest with yourself about your part in it all as well….that is more difficult than listing the people you resent and what they did to you. But I am going to do this. I am going to clear this shit out if it kills me, I can not live my life this way anymore. I will not. As the Dalai Lama says ‘everyone deserves happiness’..even if happiness is also a questionable concept in itself!

Days like today I feel not only that I want to help myself, I also feel sorry for people like Joe and my father and mother and others that are part of the Narc spectrum. You can’t help but wonder about how they got there. That they live in a world of their own making now but what caused them to become as they are. To be able to cause so much damage without feeling empathy or care. Or do they have their own personal hell? You don’t want to tar everyone with the brush of Narcissism and it is on a spectrum as are many mental illnesses including depression and then there are other associated forms of devastation and abuse.

Even though it has had its effect on me I find that I am completely fascinated by how we are all very aware of things that are blatant; obvious signs like bruises and injuries from physical assault but we are nowhere near able to really recognise the plight of many who live in the realm of psychological abuse because it is so silent, unknown, insidious and extremely pervasive.

In reading about it and reading other peoples experience of it I have learned so much, the awareness does alot to help understand what it is that you are dealing with. But there is not enough awareness for many out there and it is not recognised formally as a mental illness that needs to be dealt with in a formal way. Many Narcs will never get help, it is part of the illness itself.  It will not allow recognition and therefore survives unfettered, but it creates more of the same over time.

Humans tend to believe in what they see only, hence the rise of the selfie, the power and ridiculous wealth gained by people like the Kardashians and other famous nobodies who become somebodies, the invasion of the internet has done much to create an army of human robots who depend so much on the visual that they forget to to really think and properly process.

I guess this is the reason why mental illness is massively prevalent and increasing as the years go on at a very high cost in every way yet remains low in priority.

Anyway once again I am thinking of running before I walk, deal with real Roz, deal with you and then deal with the rest.

I am not writing well still, not arranging thoughts properly and grammatically..my god… but at least I am writing and it helps…another good day:)

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