The anniversary…a year past

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. This blog has been my friend throughout a turbulent and strange year. It’s almost a year since I started it. Only yesterday, and strangely it took a while during the day to realise it; was exactly 1 year to the day that I walked out on Joe in Arizona. That day. One of the worst sick, horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach when I realised I had to. That the man I felt so much for and thought was going to be my life partner going forward was not what or who I thought he was and I was crushed.

It was hard to stand there waiting for the taxi to come, which took absolutely ages and in the meantime he was standing there opposite me initially saying “why?” “do you expect me to make a decision immediately?””what did you expect?” “You going to a hotel makes no sense” and other things of that nature…it was a horrible snapshot of time because inside I was breaking up.

I had never loved and put so much faith in a man before. I trusted him, implicitly. I had allowed myself to regardless of red flags, warning bells in my head and friends telling me all did not seem right. I went against my instinct and I paid very dearly for that. I had never known much about narcissists; its a word and label that is bandied around quite frequently these days and lets face it we all have shades of narcissism in us. But it is not until you finally realised what you had been dealing with and that it wasn’t you…because you tend to internalise and they have a way of making you feel that everything that is wrong in the relationship and just with you in general…your head doesn’t know if it’s Arthur or Martha..it is horrible. And then to realise that most of your male relationships were similar…you had a ‘type’ and you had accepted that type all your life because that is where you felt comfortable even when you knew deep down things were not as they are supposed to be…I was truly a willing participant in  a ‘Stockholm syndrome like mentality’ a majority of my life..at some level but when you realise it..it opens you up and tears at your soul and until you spend time on yourself accepting your true vulnerable self and becoming comfortable with that vulnerability because that is when you know you have become authentic..the struggle continues.

I am now in Sydney. I thought this was the answer and don’t get me wrong I do love it here and always have. I’ve spent many years on and off over my life here and predominantly only had good memories…with the exception of making some really stupid decisions at one stage; investment wise and losing a ridiculous some of money which would now have had me living off the interest alone had it all come to where I thought it would. But that is past. It is gone. Just like the experience I have bemoaned  written above. It must be let go.

I’ve felt a profound sense of loneliness lately and some really sobering realizations. Firstly, but most obviously (of course you stupid stupid woman) I miss my sons terribly. In quite the period before leaving Perth I did not really get to spend time with them as often as I would have liked anyway, but I was ‘there’. Secondly, it doesn’t matter where you go the fact remains that if you are not happy it is not really the place that makes the big difference it is how you feel about yourself inside, and I thought I was feeling good and strong but now I question that on a daily basis even with many things going right like getting a job almost immediately when getting here and my relationship with Yank 2 going as well as can be expected considering the distance apart geographically. I have a dear friend who I am getting to spend time with but he is not necessarily in a good place himself at present and that is difficult to watch.

It’s about connectedness, not only externally but internally. I have been running on disconnect for so long I realise that my world feels empty for the lack of true human connectivity that most have, although I know there are also a lot of other lonely people out there and sometimes it manifests itself as depression and other wonderful (!) illnesses because you feel you are on your own in this goddamned shitfight that is life but really if you really  seek better and more deeper and lasting connections I have seen the difference in life that it makes. As Taylor Swift would put it its her tribe or posse or some other term that escapes me at this point in time that keeps her world flowing. (Did I really just mention Taylor Swift?!!).

I spent alot of my more recent years wanting to spend every bit of time I had with my boys, especially Jordy with his illness progressing and then when it was my time to crumble (when they were with their father pretty much full time except weekends) I did in spectacular fashion away from them so they couldn’t see it (no child, well they were older teens by then, but even so they do not need to see their parent falling apart so I did it alone and in the isolation of my room for long periods of time). People thought I was alright but I wasn’t and I would often decline invitations from friends because of it, making excuses because I simply could not face it. And what that got me was solitude in life alright. But now I am much better in so many ways and the solitude I once coveted I no longer wish to have and yet it is still there. People have moved on. I have a reasonable amount of Facebook friends and i get to watch how magnificent their lives are; parties and get togethers, travel, family functions, all sorts of connectedness and I am watching it all from the outside; like Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s where she peers into the window and sees these beautiful jewels but they are so far out of reach in reality, yet still she hopes and dreams. I do go out, my friend and I did the usual Friday night bar hop in this big beautiful city Friday and had a blast, but on my way home and in a drunken stupor and even with people everywhere, around me, there was this profound sense of loneliness.

My boss this week told me that the trip I was planning to take to Chicago in July to go see my new ‘love’ meet and be with him at his family wedding he so kindly invited me to, was a definite no go because she was on leave over that time and anyway “we just assume that because you are only a contractor you don’t need to take holidays/leave”…and after that another dream became so out of reach that I struggled for a while to see the point of it all. What am I working for apart from putting food in my mouth and trying to find an affordable roof over my head here in a very exciting but truly expensive city rent and housing wise?

Dear god, it is the Hamster wheel all over again.

So where is that magic ‘on’ button? Where you flick the switch and the A ha occurs and you say; yep today I am truly satisfied with my life. I am happy. What is it within me that still manages to not allow me to feel that true sense of gratefulness daily…I even feel bad about these things I am moaning about considering what so may others are going through. What is the answer?

Love and whitelight xx

 

The existential vacuum..foolosophy

There have been many days lately when I’ve said “come on girl, get your merde together” do something, feel something, anything, just don’t lose that marvelous impetus you found more recently. That which took months to get to. Months of therapy and work on the mind body and soul, recovery, and I had honestly thought I was there…and then…

And then.

Nothing.

Somewhere I read that the existential vacuum is where a person reaches a point where they doubt that life has any meaning; a neurosis characterised by loss of interest and lack of initiative…is it that or as most doctors and psych’s would be quick to say; ‘ by george YOU ARE DEPRESSED’

And this morning I woke and it felt like ‘fuck, another day of nothingness’.

It’s weird because there is some good in my life right now. That beautiful man in Chicago with a beautiful smile, a gentle nature, an old but wonderful soul. We talk almost every day either via email or phone or skype. Not last night or this morning for the first time in a while but I know we will skype in a couple of days. With him, I just know. He has integrity. Usually I will wake and he has managed to send a thought..a few words..touch base. And this has been regular since Valentines day when we first met on a dating website. Yes I know I lambasted those blasted things but this time it may have come up with something good.

I am taking it a day at a time, more or less, somehow  we will be in each others physical presence in July, we’ve talked about it…how, at the moment I do not know considering I am not working but it will happen. It is something to aim for and look forward to. And I know this time it will be vastly different to…if you’ve read my very early posts you will know what I am talking about.

At the moment there isn’t much else. I am grateful I am alive, I must be. Some people are fighting for their lives so what right have I to squander these precious hours on this earth. My eldest son lives daily with a ticking time bomb and yet he manages to smile…what right have I to frown.

I have flown close to the edge again a few times recently but some vestige of sanity and hope keeps me afloat….just treading water to keep my head enough above the surface to get in air and if I tilt my head enough I see sunlight for a while before the clouds threaten to roll on in…

The vacuum. I am 50 in less than 2 months and I feel like the clock is ticking….and what am I doing…what can I do, what should I do; SHOULD?

This morning I read this quote ; “What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and isn’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”  From Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain..

According to whose gospel must I live? Mine or the general populus. Some would say ‘yes, she has lost the plot again’, no, I haven’t…not quite…but I am very close…

I do not know what to do with my life now. I have come to a grinding halt. I am AFRAID…afraid of what I am not doing that I should be and of doing what I should not do…analysis paralysis at its best and most damaging…

All I know is that if I stay….here….there is only nothingness. But at present I can’t see forward too far. I don’t want to leave my sons but I don’t want to stay in this funk…this sleepy one horse town of doom gloom…the longer I stay here the more likely it is I will…cease to exist…I am only merely existing now…I rarely see anyone..or go anywhere..I live too far away and everything is so expensive here. I rarely see my sons and yet being here I know I am here if they need me..what if my beautiful boy passes when I am interstate or overseas would I ever forgive myself…

I need to get my mind back to its healthy; life is worth living state..out of the vacuum…NO MEDICATION..I will not ride that treadmill I would rather die…at least I am not feeling like I want to die right now…there is a glimmer…

My beautiful man wants to read my blog (I haven’t told him what it is called, I cant right now) and I am so scared that when he does he will see the very flawed individual who at present is weak and fearful and indecisive and….tired not lack of sleep tired but mentally tired of years of worry and fighting to stay upright and do what is required of her…

I think I will just take a swig of liquid courage and leave the decisions for tomorrow…for now…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

Really? Again? Are there any normal people around?

So it’s happened again. I seem to pick them. Total tossers, or men who need their mother to wetnurse them.  One minute I give them the benefit of the doubt and then they just shit all over it. Dude, he really wanted a thing with me but he just could not communicate properly…he would make a statement and then expect an answer…and if it wasn’t the answer that best suited him he would just say :oh, its me I’m not right hey? After a number of days dating… he seemed quite keen…. more than me I’d say which was kind of freaking me out slightly…but I said, Roz, just go with it, go with the flow. I did NO chasing. He seemed ‘normal’, nice, gentlemanly even. Then WHAM.

It just seemed that  he wanted a conversation but he didn’t want an honest one. And by god, after everything lately….I can only give honest. I can not change for anyone. That, is not authentic.

Even today, after  job interview which was quite tiring for me because the man interviewing me seemed ill at ease and frantic to me in some way. I sat thinking; “men are telling us women we are emotional and difficult to deal with” and yet, I am finding them even more so at times!

Am I doomed to being alone in this life? Quite frankly, now, at this point I really don’t give a flying Feck.

I, myself, find that immensely sad in one way…but is it the general way these days?

I espoused the man shed theory… is it real? Or is it creative avoidance?

This man, who had up to a point behaved as an absolute gentleman, was starting to show his colours even only a few days ago. We spent the weekend together as well, and he invited a friend around and said this is my girlfriend! Believe me my eyebrows nearly shot off my face!!. We have seen each other nearly every second day and he would call or message consistently.

But,  not only does he drink like a fish, nearly every day but he calls it “partying”! It’s our time to party, we’ve brought up our kids…so lets drink ourselves stupid….

I’m sorry, but aside from growing out of it recently, yes, Joe the schmoe helped me with that but, why is it one or the other.. I meet a saint or a sinner?

The upshot is, I have finally sat there, listening to the wank and bullshit and said to myself; “this is NOT what I want, not what I deserve”, so I’m letting this one go too because, sadly, it is he, not I who has issues to deal with that sadly I can not help him with.

God knows I have enough shit on my plate.

And after everything, I really do deserve better….Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

Fruitloop central….It’s a jungle out there…madness..sheer madness

Right now is yet again not an ideal time to write this blog but I am going to because besides needing to distract myself for so many reasons; because life is a bit challenging at present as my previous posts have described and I still have moments when I feel like I should be in a straight jacket and heavily dosed!! (And I have not yet reached the ability to do the saintly thing and volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other wonderful act of humanity that I always feel guilty about not doing but I simply can’t just yet. Paid work would help immensely but there is still nothing….and having a wonderful day with my son yesterday yet seeing him struggle in front of me to eat and swallow is somewhat affecting me psychologically too…but I am trying to hang in there and keep it together).

It’s about keeping good thoughts rather than allowing the negative to overtake..it takes diligence and practice.

Yesterday, for some hours I felt at peace, with my beautiful boy and being able to hold him and love him..it seems like the only time lately that I feel totally at peace….like being wrapped in a wonderfully warm soft  blanket in the middle of winter.

When he is gone, then it is me, just me and all the things I must deal with and most of the time I feel strong enough now but I must admit that after he left I cried…for a long time knowing the inevitable….

So in my crazy, madness I went back online and reactivated my dating membership and immediately got a nice message from someone who contacted me prior to my short weeks of dating the man who just nicely broke it off….

Or so I thought it was nicely. I had the trail of our initial contact in my inbox and it showed that he had already reactivated prior to me (yes that bloody wonderful feature of time and date stamp that some dating sites have…ugghh).

Fair enough, I thought, he did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t think I was the one, long term and as I  had asked let me down before it was too late…got to appreciate that! Don’t you?!

This morning I went back on to answer a message that had been sent and I see he has deactivated his profile again, which was something he did when he first started dating me and of course my immediate reaction was one of sting…jesus..he’s moved on already and found someone just like he did with me a few weeks back….the guys a fast mover…

Or is he? had he already had in mind that he would get what he wanted out of us and keep the ‘date’ he supposedly cancelled when he started dating me in reach and now he was seeing her…maybe concurrently..is he a serial dater the one that uses this dating tactic to create a social life and an constant stream of ‘physical intimacy’ on tap so to speak?

Or am I just a freakish cynical biatch because I have been hurt recently, so my trust is at an all time low.

My wonderful narcissist once drawled at me “man, you think too much”. !

I do believe that was probably one of the most truthful things he ever said to me. I do think, I think about things from various perspectives, I think alot. But I do have alot to think about.

So…the marvelous world of dating in your almost 50’s (I am still 49, so I am not claiming 50 just yet!). And the dating landscape to boot!

IT’S A FREAKIN JUNGLE OUT THERE…AYE CARUMBA

In previous posts I have mentioned the different types I have come across; cougar hunters, commitment phobes, men who say they have sorted their shit and believe me they haven’t (but who am I to judge?!), narcs, weaklings or ‘big girls blouses’ …..ISH…

The old way of dating or finding a mate just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…it just seems so bloody hard now…

But I believe in love…still…I believe that as much as it is wonderful to find yourself and be comfortable being on your own and in your company, being independent and free. Deep down, I still believe there is a beautiful love out there for everyone. A person to share your life journey with, your experiences and ultimately your twilight years….

No matter what is going on around me…I still believe and I won’t give up the dream….right now I am smiling to myself thinking how crazy I am…but thinking this way just helps..it means you are not giving up on one of the best things in life…

LOVE

Love and white light xxx