Life, beyond, him…why am I female?

I was going to cease and desist. My blog. And it’s been 3 months since I have written.

Alot has happened. Alot has not changed.

Buggered if I know how to publish this without the reach of Facebook. I have recently deactivated my Facebook page and quite frankly, the peace and the lack of feeling as if my life was a complete loss compared to all these happy faces taking a trip here and there, newly married, happy shots of big groups of friends on big social occasions, all the ‘everyone else is bloody deliriously happy but me’ shots they post and POSITIVE thinking shit to boot; if you don’t think ‘this’ you are failing in life but we will pat your back anyway….bloody arrrggghh

Just about drove me to despair…in fact it did..

My life. Sucks. Has sucked for the last few years. Starting with Yank 1..the ‘him’ in Life beyond him…blahdy blah. Should never have gone there…but I did.

Yank 2 whom I still talk to and adore but he does not know what he wants (although he thinks he does) and is too frozen in place with his comfortable at present life. But there is something missing…I guess there is for us all…

There have been others recently too (I still play when I want to), but not really worth an honourable mention. Except the italian who is wonderful to talk to…we are friends.

Moving through prelude to and then meno..fucking pause itself that never seems to pause dammit…

My eldest son and his degenerative disease and losing his ability to talk, eat, walk etc etc and because of forces I am unable to control not being able to see him as often or even….oh god…

Living in a place I have not wanted to be in for far too long. Work..Economic situation in this goddamn arsehole of a parochial, expensive, isolated and far too keen on themselves city…plus much more and under a haze I cannot at this very point be more specific…

Oh shit..I should just shoot myself now. And I probably would if it wasn’t for my two..older now but beautiful sons…

Sometimes, I absolutely hate being a woman too. We sacrifice alot to bring up and look after our kids. Alot of men are able to continue their careers while we have to exit to have our kids and by the time we are back things have changed..we have to play catch up and if we divorce, if we aren’t bitches in general who clean our husbands out at divorce because we want to be fair and equitable we miss out on alot of superannuation and other things. Our bodies are stretched and scarred beyond recognition and so are our vaginas which MEN eventually use as an excuse to be seeking out younger women…because oh geez who wants a vagina that’s had a human life pass through it???

Why would a man want a wrinkled..life lived and totally fucked by men woman when we can have a 20 year old with a father complex, tight vagina and never has the brain capacity to question the sugar daddy even he with the limpest of cocks…fuck who cares I can buy buy buy on his credit card because the silly limp dicked bastard is just extremely happy I am even giving him the time of day…what limp dick?

Do I seem like a disconnected angry female…?  Yes I am…

I could go on feeling victimised. Resentful. There is plenty of good reason. But the only one that this energy is going to effect is me.

This is why I stopped writing…I am still…not in a good place. Not good enough for the expectations society places on me…yet…what is the way out…

Love and whitelight xx

Advertisements

Good old mother England;)…no thanks frat boy…

Feels good to wake up with a smile on my face for  change. These past weeks have been a bit of a loss and dark in a number of ways but finally the sun has risen. Hate to wax philosophical and sometimes when things seem hopeless, to hear someone say ‘this too shall pass’…well you just want to say ‘what the hell would you know?!’

The Doctor formally diagnosed me with depression again even though I was fighting that label and in all honesty in my own head it did not seem to be so severe this time or so I thought but I have spent many days in bed, in foetal position, crying and feeling numb and then the days I was up and  semi functioning my thoughts were always with an edge of darkness. Found it very hard to be positive about anything.

But I handled things differently this time culminating in some bad decisions like going to that idiots house last weekend and getting hit in the face and the ‘not so good one’ carrying on like a banshee on the phone (weak sod) and calling it quits. Turns out it was the best thing because I am completely over him, his weakness was very off putting and managed to kill what little feeling I had left for him.  He was definitely not partner material…one flew over the cuckoo’s nest there! But I wish all of them a good life. When you let go it is never good to harbour hatred. You let go with love and light.

I didn’t chat with Yank 2 this past week, I didn’t want him to see my face as it was (now healed) and even though he said we could play it by ear I just couldn’t bring myself to. Wasn’t up to it. But I did miss our skype chat and am looking forward to this week

because talking to him always takes me on a splendid journey of the mind, philosophical and witty. I am so glad we are still friends.

Yank 3 pops up on messenger here and there for a chat. Often hilarious comments. Good to talk to also. I could never work out why the italian had such a problem with me having male friends. His own insecurities I guess. Right to the very end he protested that he just ‘wasn’t comfortable’ with it and had a particular thing about my apparent ‘thing’ for yanks. He said ‘they only tell you what you want to hear and just want to get into your pants’, well its a bit hard from such a great distance sunshine but I wouldn’t say no if they did want to…..(cue evil laughter);)

Well, he would be pleased to know I have changed nations! Yesterday I met up with a guy I had met a while ago whilst out and about. British, ex army. We had met a couple of times and struck up some wonderful conversations and the chemistry was there. We took it one step further yesterday and had a wonderful afternoon and this time I was made love to thoroughly and with some wonderful technique..my goodness ‘thank god for mother England!’, that also made me realise what I had been missing out on for a very long time. Someone who knew what they where doing and not just racing to the finish line and banging like a frat boy who thinks that porno’s are the ‘book of instructions’ in the art of sex!!

I would be judged by many. Not just males (the old double standard) but also females who would throw their hands up and say that’s just being loose. Particularly the married ones whose love lives may lead a little to be desired after so long (but I do envy those couples who have a strong, cohesive relationship with a good healthy sex life make no mistake about it, it is what I want for myself too… eventually).

But oh no, I am doing what I am able to do as a mature single woman who has every right to date and get physical if she wants to. Haters gonna hate lol…shut up you whiny bastards and get a life!

The Brit and I have no chance long term. I simply am not ready and not interested after this past couple of years of rubbish relationships and pain. And that wasn’t what it was about anyway. It was two consenting adults enjoying an adult afternoon together. End of story.

Smiley face. Very smiley face…..;)

So whats next? I have started to come out of the dark I think. Too soon to tell but it looks good right now.

I am seriously considering doing a post graduate degree in Philosophy and some writing courses. I always wanted to explore the realm of ‘the important questions’. I just wish I had done it years ago when I did my degree but instead listened to many who said ‘arts degree? Philosophy etc? You will never get a job with that’.

I have spent too many years of my life listening to others and worrying about what they think. And sadly basing my decisions around the men who were in my life at the time…elevating love above everything else…to my detriment.

Don’t get me wrong, LOVE is the thing. But real, cant do without, requited love is the thing and if you are lucky enough to have it then be grateful and hold on to it with both hands and cherish that love….

But in the meantime, for me, a good afternoon roll with a competent man is good enough. Well, at least I am smiling again!

Love and whitelight xx

 

Difficult decisions…flow

Alot has happened since my last post. I was contemplating my next move and had been for quite some time running it through my head over and over. It was time to make some difficult decisions. One very difficult one in particular.

Our kids are the greatest gift that we can be given. They are a blessing if we are lucky enough to have them and I love my sons more than life itself and have always referred to them as my anchor to this earth. They are older now; one nearly 20 and the other nearly 22 if the degeneration does not progress as fast as it has been so far the end of and beginning of this year. It has been devastating to watch and not be able to do anything but love him immensely and at times I have been so shaken up by it again more recently in frustration and sadness it threatened to overcome me and drag me into the dark abyss but I have been fighting that with all my might…it won’t help him, or his brother and it certainly could be very detrimental to my future which for a long time I actually did not care so much about as long as I was there for my boys. His father is wealthy and has everything so well set up and in place for his care and at times a bit of independence which is what he likes that as it was I was not able to see him as often as I wanted, that was very difficult.

But I am in transition. I will be 50 in May. I have moved through years of sadness, and darkness at times; like an automaton, doing what I should do. I am now realising that some things are out of our control and to fight that is futile…it is a waste of energy and life.

I owe it to myself; yes I am being selfish right now but I have to to ensure that whatever happens I try make some positive flow in life for whatever time there is and not sit and ruminate and stagnate as I have been doing for a while now. Move forward.

This time last week I flew into Sydney, the big beautiful sprawling metropolis that has always been my second home. I have always been bi-coastal even though I was born in Perth I have always felt at home here even though by virtue of the fact it is one hell of an expensive place to live as far as housing goes rent and buying, and worse now more than ever. But there is something about life here. I love it. And I needed to take a breath from the vacuum I was in in Perth. Something had to shift. So after time with my boys and discussing it with them; my youngest said “mum, you have been here for us and its time you did some things for you” and my eldest also understood…but if I discuss how we talked about it I will break down right now so I won’t. I have to stay strong. I am meeting people today and I have managed to secure a job interview Monday. There is so much work here compared to Perth which is slumped right now because mining and resources fell in a hole. If you have read my previous posts you will see what I mean. I have had calls left right and centre and it has buoyed me a bit. Given me a shot of energy that I haven’t had for a while.

I now think that whatever is meant to be will be, there is only so much we can control. The universe has its way of directing our lives if we allow the flow…right now I am all about letting things flow.

My relationship; yes I think I can safely say my relationship with Yank 2 (my darling) has progressed as best as it can considering we are on different continents right now. It has literally flowed over time; we have a skype date at least once a week when he has his days off and we are often on there for hours and hours just enjoying each other…it is wonderful and unexpected. After the last horror; the HIM in life beyond him I was so cautious and was not going to allow myself to let go easily with this but this has worked and flowed freely and unscripted and it feels wonderful. We email at least a few times daily. He always makes sure he has responded so when I wake in the morning his message is there and a great way to start the day and I do the same for him plus we write as we see or do things we want to tell and share with each other…no expectations but lots of REAL and true CARE and we have both been hinting at something much stronger but holding those words back even though we call each other my love, sweetheart and darling (!) we know there is something very exciting to look forward to in the future. I finally feel satisfied in a relationship…even from afar and am happy to wait as long as it takes and so far it appears that he is too. He has asked me to join him as a plus one at a family wedding in Chicago in July, he said a lot of the family will be there…that means alot. After that I want to him to come to Australia. His brother lives here in Sydney with his wife. I am about to meet them today, he has really encouraged it as a support more than anything but also it seems opening his world up to me. I am a lucky girl, he is a good man.

I have to go now and get ready but I will write more soon,

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Walk of the EGO…miss you Ziggy..it ain’t pretty

So, I would normally fall into bed at this point of the night. I have imbibed alot (still am against my principles but my off switch tonight seems faulty but at least I am aware of it and as advised by my ‘good one’!! Long story…), alot more than intended and that should occur on a Tuesday night. BUT, I am unemployed..still, and slightly troubled and my brain is in free-fall over a number of things. As my regular readers would know.

It has been a craggy day on many levels. Being questioned by some 20 something year old recruiters who knew the secret to all the world problems and how to cure cancer (do I have an attitude? No, not moi!!). hang fire, love this, love Edith Piaf;

..on my way back on the train I met an old school friend who I had an affair with long ago even though I knew he was married and it was highly AGAINST my principles and therefore very awkward because I think he still wants more…and I WOULD NOT now again, ever ( perhaps Joe was my Karmic retribution on a massive scale?), and then when I visited my so-called new friend, who wanted to become a Facebook friend immediately, against my instincts…WTF? And then ,tonight as I visited him as he had asked me to previously issued a ‘ahh, I have a ‘friend with me right now” Oh hello, so what? I don’t want to shag you  daggy fucker even though we did once with your tiny penis, we were supposedly friends? As you requested. Head fuck or you tried to and HELLO it doesn’t work! HA!

Why do we have to immediately ‘friend’ people on Facebook?  For numbers and self satisfaction? Is it an EGO walk, hell I have 500 FB friends ain’t I the bomb…ahh sorry..DA BOMB!!  Shouldn’t  we take time to get to know each other, somewhat?

Is a fleeting experience enough?  After Joe and I, I am so anti and on guard.

A surprising upside.(.see I told you! I see upsides!)..was that as I was crying my arse off waiting the hour for the next bus from one place (in Perth our bus system is highly useless as well as other essential services so even though the city is pretty DO NOT MOVE HERE IT IS HELL) and then another hour for the next (I was prepared however with a 4 pack of rum and coconut milk), and in that time my ‘good one’ that I had denounced (the other one, Italian, cute but averse to conflict yada), had redeemed himself by talking to me almost the entire time in  caring, somewhat ‘loving’ ….dare I say it..tone…quelle surprise..and it was lovely, even though I realise the yank has made me very cynical and suspicious about most men…well it just shocked the hell out of me but I am grateful..and he actually said tonight that he knew what we had and he was grateful that we met….say what?

Anyway, speaking of what, yesterday one of my most favorite artists passed DAVID BOWIE, Ziggy Stardust, Alladin sane etc.. I guess I am still slightly freaked out by that.

I listened to his music; particularly the album ‘Diamond Dogs’

well, tape actually repeatedly as I tried to switch off from the bullshit background of my alcoholic abusive father and idiotic shrill narcissistic mother fought endlessly, relentlessly.

He was a go to…his music is timeless and will always be a part of me…RIP Mr Bowie..with love and light, always xxx

I guess I should go to bed…its late now and I am completely shamozzled…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

Vulnerable, real, raw…Peter Pan syndrome..

I am not quite right yet where he is concerned, I am no longer embarrassed to say it in public..some days still..but rarely now… I talk a good game but every now and then the mad-person comes out and I have to do certain things to get my mind back to where it should be. Perhaps it is that I have too much time on my hands, have lost confidence after so many ‘no’s’ with jobs.   And the men I have dated bar one have been a great disappointment I no longer can be bothered with them, particularly those closer to my age or in their 50’s; they all seem to have Peter Pan syndrome! (And they talk about us women at menopause age?!!)

And other things in my life seem so totally out of my control that it saps my strength…for a window in time. I have no sounding board lately as I have found that friends that I have called and wanted to be able to speak to have not even bothered to phone or message me back. I guess they have had enough or it just makes them uncomfortable or they are just too busy, it is that time of year. I am always introspective this time of year. And as I wrote yesterday I regularly covet solitude anyway.

Out of sheer boredom this weekend my mind has been doing somersaults (nothing seems stimulating enough, nothing at all) and once again I found myself thinking about the yank narcissist endlessly. There is so much else I could be doing or thinking about and yet there he was again all of a sudden and that familiar tug and wondering why things unfolded as they did..yes it still happens and I am writing about it today because it is better out than in. I am OK with my flaws, I own them. When I try to work out why the thoughts of him come back and haunt me as strongly as they do after longer times of no feeling about it the only thing I can think of is that he was the source that opened me up..left me so bereft and so vulnerable and the months that followed after he demolished my heart were like an opened wound that not only festered but was riddled with disease that I never knew was there and it all came seeping out…and right now I need a course of ‘antibiotics’ as the infection has not quite cleared….

I’ve done everything, I thought, to prevent it..feeling this way. So why? Why is his face still so clear in my mind and why do I ruminate over what happened on these days and just can’t let it go. What is it about him? At one stage when I was there it wasn’t so much that he had shut down on me I remember thinking why don’t I feel anything for him right now in this moment? And the only thing I could put it down to was shock. At that time I was walking around numb…I couldn’t work out what had gone wrong and I had no way of gauging what was going through his head because he simply would not not discuss anything…it was the most bizarre thing. In a normal situation you would discuss or react…he just shut down and yet he did not want me to go out..to the shops (which I inevitably did) or walking even it seemed, it was as if he wanted me there he just would not communicate with me. I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he never gave me or us a chance to even though it was me that walked out after so many days of deadlock…

Months have passed, I had months of depression, ultimately committed career suicide because of it all, constant psychotherapy and yes my strength has come back more and stronger than ever in a very long time but these days like this weekend and today…I feel vulnerable.

I know that after Christmas and the New Year eventually work will pick up and when I am busy again it won’t give me the time to think as much. I just wish it was now…I should love it but I hate this time of the year lately. I look back at this time last year and he and I were constantly talking and he was being really surprisingly bold even saying things like “you should look at buying us a house in Perth, we can use that as a holiday house, how much are they?”, he was flirting up a storm and I was loving every minute of it. Maybe he was lonely then and entertaining himself and a crazy part of me wonders if he is the same this year, and if he has even thought about me? He doesn’t deserve my love, thoughts or energy and I know it so why? Why now?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS on so many levels…

Maybe I should consider hypnotherapy. If I had the money right now I would hop on a plane and just get out of here for a little while. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I should just take a drive out of here and spend a few days away, from this city and this situation…..escape..

So much for lessons learned! Oh irony..

Some days you just want to go back to bed, pull the covers up around you and sink into blissful non intruded sleep. No worries or concerns, no thoughts or fears, no realities, just blissful nothingness. I guess as I have heard many say more recently ‘first world problems!’ because the fact of the matter is I have a bed, a roof over my head even if tenuous, I have food to eat pretty much most things Maslow speaks about in his hierarchy of needs.

But the funny thing is things can change drastically at the drop of a hat, just look at Paris recently or San Bernadino. It really makes you think how life these days has become..oh god..what is the word? My brain is a tad numb from a bottle of wine yesterday..

I still have days when I feel a bit lost..what next…and when I do I give myself a day or so to just feel it and try rewire my thinking, bring myself back to the present and say to myself ‘just take one day at a time girl, it is all you can do’…eventually I liven up again. Mindset. After years of medicated thoughts I am now in control (hate that word in some ways) and have to pull myself up regularly until it all becomes natural (I will never allow the black dog in again, I will fight it).

So Friday, after another disappointing week on the job front..2 more no’s after running around to meetings and interviews I decided to take an afternoon and just time out. I had a nice meal, a play at the casino (I know, not a good place to go when you are on the bones of your arse but when everyone else is at work, no friends in sight, I’d exercised a number of days that week, cleaned, applied for a gazillion jobs, self educated a bit more..I just needed a timeout for a few hours). I won a few hundred dollars but had a few more drinks and put it all back again! And then I got a text from the beautiful man. The one that got away.

The one that at least was decent enough to tell me he wasn’t sure I was his forever girl and gave me time to kinda get over him..it was a only a number of weeks dating so it wasn’t too hard and his kindness and honesty helped, what a pity he is a rare male these days, I really did want to keep him!! But it has to be a two way street!

Anyway, I called him after he tried to call me (I had messagebank on) after my return text saying Hi! It was so nice to hear his voice, he had been back from Italy for a couple of weeks and we had kept in touch while he was over there and then he messaged a couple times when he got back. He has his kids every second weekend and this was his weekend off so he said why don’t you come over? Which I did, we had dinner and drinks and ended up having a wonderful night together, yes, we did go there, several times…it kinda felt so familiar and yet more passionate than before. Just lovely…

I hadn’t been prepared for a sleepover so after spending the morning together I went home. On the way home I felt warm and wonderful and I took it for what it was and just appreciated our time together. We said we would talk again soon. (Which often isn’t the case when people say that but with us it usually rings true).

Then yesterday on my way to the gym a song by a band we mutually love (we love alot of the same music, and loud!) came on my ipod so I messaged him..he came back with a yeh love that. We text a bit he told me he had gone out the night before, his sister’s husband is a promoter and he helped her on the door of the gig, but of course, me being a bit of a ‘woman’ at times started to think ‘well why didn’t he ask me to go with him?’…..OHHHH GGGEEEZZZZ..then I allowed my outer child to run amok for a little while; pouting and making up scenarios in my head and realised I really did still like this guy…arrgghh

Then I heard the Yank in my head for the first time in a little while “You are 50 man, you should be together by now” (I am not 50 yet I am 49 til May 2016 but I guess it made him feel better as he was about to hit 60!!:P) and “Man you think too much” and other wonderful encouraging words of wisdom he imparted (not)…I realised that even though I have worked hard on myself and tried to change habits of a lifetime I am still a very flawed person when it comes to love and relationships…it takes effort to get my mind back on the right path, but at least I recognise it now..

So I snapped myself out of it yesterday afternoon after gym, had a glass or two of wine put some great music on and said ‘if you love someone, set them free etc ‘ yada, you know the saying…funnily enough we did end up talking again in the afternoon it was fun and funny and I get the feeling we will remain good friends, maybe more, I guess time will tell. But it is funny when you change your way of thinking and actually relax and stop thinking too much what happens….

I guess the yank was kinda right! Ironic….love and whitelight xx

 

 

Later in the day…ahhh men..

So please excuse my aberration…earlier…Some days are still a huge effort in patience and other required and expected outward appearance! However, as the day slowly slips away…I have had an interesting afternoon…a couple of glasses of wine…Dianna Krall..”the look of love” and other good mushy classics , Stevie Wonder oh yah haha…

This morning I woke feeling shite. I have not managed to get work still, YES, I have tried, every morning I start the same shooting off my resume, making phone calls etc etc and I am also now not looking just at what I am qualified to do.(and in the meantime trying to self teach on knowledge gaps to get my biz together). I will do anything..to earn an income and not be on welfare! I have a scant amount of savings left, I guess my trip to America didn’t help..stupid me..tight arse arsehole him, guess as well..should’ve known!! ..that should have been a clue?!!…oh dear..Australia, but particularly Perth is really suffering in the aftermath of the boom…I know its not just me. As I have said before, it is a one trick pony this city. And I have considered going East again (I did get a call recently) but with my son going downhill more rapidly I really do not want to leave at this point…Probably a good thing Joe and I never made it…I could’ve been living in the U.S and trying to fly back regularly…anyway…

So after doing what needed doing this morning, I was back in touch with a couple of crazy men I have dated…it was good because it took my mind off..

One is incredibly Italian in his outlook and manner..there is a ‘profile’ about these guys, sometimes I feel I could write a book about how these men are predictable! it is funny.

The other, incredibly British. They are all stiff upper lip and yet there is a real seedy side to them when  it comes to relationships.

I must admit, they both, highly entertained me and made me smile. And I needed to.

Ohhhh hang on…speaking of BRITS; Rod Stewart and “you wear it well” just came on…need to have a sing and dance!!  Here is the link to the video  https://youtu.be/hQqNUwNNkTo

OK anyway, we had highly animated conversations both on phone and in person. But one of the conversations was about me and how I appear to the male population out there in neverland!!

“no offense sweety, but you come across as wanting to be dominated (sexually) and then you just take over and take charge. No man wants that! They want to call the shots! ” OH FUCK, REALLY???

Then the other “you are quite intimidating to men that don’t know you well. You’re intelligent, very switched on, classy, strong…it really makes a guy feel like you are too high maintenance!”…NOW if that ain’t an oxymoron I don’t know what the bloody hell is!!

So..how is a girl to proceed? I guess I should not put any emphasis on a man and his thoughts..because, to be quite frank..sometimes I think they are more confused than us women!

Tomorrow night I am going to the Italians house! For the weekend apparently? No Joe just maybe for the evening..no I want you and us to spend some ‘time’ together, yes,  by some fucking freak of nature he is a ‘Joe’ too.

Dear god. is the irony lost on me? NO.

Ahhh..too may wines..many FB and phone conversations..

Lets discuss the moral dilemma tomorrow when I am compos mentis …aye carumba…no more wine…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 2 Man shed theory….still going with the flow

I started to write this 2 days ago; It was a lovely day yesterday. The weather was beautiful and we went to an old historic hotel/Inn not far from where I live in a national park. He came to pick me up in a hulking great Chevvy which kind of suited him he is a big man 6’2 ft tall! It put the biggest smile on my face (I love cars but I really love American classics especially Caddy’s, Chevs, Mustangs, Camaro’s, Trans Am’s, Corvettes). They drive like Sherman tanks but god you feel safe in them and the sound of the engine and the power…love it.

It was beautiful sitting amongst the trees after a lovely lunch. The conversation flowed. He’s lovely and good company. We were going to catch up again today (he runs his own business so can take time off when he wants to) but I needed a day off to do things, look for work, go to the gym…I really need to go to the gym regularly to keep my mind in the right place. We are having a day together again tomorrow (now today). We will see….I am still going with the flow, oh thank you healing.

Anyway, the man-shed theory!

Prior to meeting my man friend the other day I was just writing my journal, listening the the great music they had on and observing the goings on in the bar. It was quite full of men! There was only a few women there and this was not some ‘dingy’ bar. But I guess being afternoon on a weekday most would be at work or other.

As I had said previously I had just been to an appointment, had my healing session and then bought myself a nice lunch and decided to just go on with it for the rest of the afternoon. Quite content to just be.

I moved from the Chesterfield I was sitting on to a table near the window so I could write in my Journal. After a while and another glass or two feeling quite relaxed and happy I realised as I looked around the room that the men were either just seated on their own, a couple were in couples, and the rest were just 2 sitting and having a drink and a chat. It came to me that these days rarely the man has a ‘man-shed’. In the old days houses always had a reasonable sized shed in the backyard where the man would retreat to get his ‘time out’ away from his wife often friends would go to when they visited and they would pow wow there and tinker; with the lawnmower, building something out of wood, fixing or pretending to fix something, but it was their territory and their time out.

Often these days and with housing the way it is, regularly now built without a shed but if there is it is usually so minute you can’t sit in it or create a space.

I thought to myself ‘is this the equivalent of the man shed?’. There they sat, peacefully chatting, rarely as animated as we women get and I kind of felt for them. Believe me that was a bit of a quantum leap after what I have just been through and how it had tainted my feelings slightly about the male species! My eyes were finally opening up again.

Recently I had been using a dating website and only a few days back I decided to put my membership on hold because as I had said previously it seemed to be a free for all and I wasn’t sure I had the energy for the wank and bullshit!

Yet sitting there that day, it came to me that although we single women complain there is a man drought or a lack of decent men to date some of these men can be found in the man shed equivalent.. they have just removed themselves from the dating scene because to quote a man I was talking to that day “it is all just too hard!”.

From the horses mouth. And then at one stage I had been chatting with a girl behind the bar and she and I had a laugh about it and she told me she thought there was definitely something in my theory. She told me about the ‘regulars’ and had some other great tales.

I think women are so tied up in “I am woman hear me roar” and all this self sufficiency and self love and confusing strength for aggression that men (who, lets face it ladies, really are a simpler, less complicated bunch than us!!) simply just give up on the process. At least they have the brotherhood! And I guess there is the also alot of male aggression and manipulation out there and it really kills how we see the other half as well, kind of spoils it for the good men out there that are genuine and relatively normal!! And they are out there, really!

My man friend and I met that day. He was about to go outside when we looked at each other at the same time and smiled. He said something, then I did and then he came and joined me at the table and we talked and laughed for hours well into the evening where after he insisted on taking me home in a taxi (believe me that is huge because I live a fair way away ) and then literally dropped me off with a sweet goodbye kiss and then went straight back home in the taxi which isn’t far from the venue we were at earlier!

It was lovely, and it was an organic meeting. None of this ‘swipe left swipe right’ bulldust. It was the old way. And it renewed my faith both in the males and that you can meet nice people the organic way even these days.

Now I don’t know what is going to happen from here, as I said, today we are going out again. He is taking the day off. Something Joe would not do for me even though I had flown half way around the globe at his request to see him after so many years and what I thought was a deep connection. But enough of that, that is well and truly over now. I guess even though the healing helped to cut the chains it will be a little while before it completely leaves my memory. I am now happy to just take things one day at a time. It’s all we can do.

Happier times ahead, love and whitelight x

The gentle break up…back on the horse! Hope and faith…

There is never an easy way to break up with someone, it just sucks no matter the length of time and how much you think something has a chance of working. There are two in that equation.

I can’t believe myself sometimes. After everything that is going on and not going on and the bloodied experience I just went through with the narcissist, and my depression and other pieces of merde I still gave the dating thing a go. And there was hope, no scratch that…I STILL HAVE HOPE, AND FAITH that the universe has something wonderful in store for me around the corner and that if I hold myself upright and take one step forward everyday then everything is going to be better.

Last night, on the day my eldest son turned 21 (by god I am so very grateful he made it to 21, against the odds) I got a an uncomfortable text;

“Hi Roz hope all is well:) have been thinking about you and me and as much as we have had lots of fun together and I enjoy your company I’m not sure long term if your the girl for me…don’t know how you feel but I have been thinking about it alot:) I value your friendship and hope we can still have that xx”

And after telling him that I appreciate his honesty (I did say to him on the weekend that if he felt it wasn’t going to be it or he wanted to date others to just be honest with me as I would be with him and although that may sound heavy for a new thing I had to be true to me whether he liked it or not…looking after me finally..), I thought he was a lovely man (because, actually he was and even though we wined and dined, had some fantastic dates and had good nights in together and plenty of texts and calls…initiated by him, not me, I have learned my lessons about chasing a man! It was all in a very short space of time and I had only just started to feel something and he gave me the opportunity to nip it in the bud before it hurt and for that I am very grateful) and that yes we can still be friends (!) he said;

“Thanks for understanding I appreciate that…and you are a beautiful person too and I am glad that we can still remain friends xx”

and then after my reply;

“I felt it best now than later and like you said that once feelings get involved its always difficult..but I hope that we can maybe catch up from time to time xx”

Now the cynic and negative side of me..the BShitometer..the one that was negative through life patterning and experiences did emerge for a nanosecond and thought this;

“you want your cake and eat it to you bastard. You want to keep me there when you need a quick fuck or a fallback (which is fine by me because he did have a nice ….hmmm! And I just might want to do the same…what? I have needs too!!…madness )”

But that was a nanosecond, and the new me is trying to see things from a more positive side and well just learn to think and handle things differently, a change of mindset I have been working so hard on.

He was the type of guy that was all in very quickly, very attentive and loved to cuddle and kiss. Sweet really. And a bit naughty where it mattered! Our conversations flowed and we had alot in common. It seemed like a gift. But then yesterday it was over.  Now I must admit I felt a bit yuk after reading the initial text. But this morning in the light of day I realise that instead of the old me..taking everything to heart and internalising it “what’s wrong with me?” “why am I not lovable” yada yada.  I believe that this is yet another in a series of lessons that I must learn and that my capacity to turn this around in this difficult time (I still have many stresses financially.. and on the job/biz front..there is no work…my latest depression and time off has had a marked effect on my marketability, my son is deteriorating and I have no idea how much longer we have with this insidious bloody disease, I am still looking after an injured elderly mother and staying with her in a place where transport is barely existent which is either isolating (and when you have just recovered from a depression the last thing you need to be is isolated) or very costly in taxi fares, I still on some days think of and email the narcissist against all sanity because I guess I am hoping that he will give what we had together some dignity and care…I guess that is one thing I really need to completely cut off from and being with someone else gave me that mental space away from him…not the right way to do it but it worked and it was nice and I was willing to see where it might lead…openly and honestly..and perhaps therein lies part of the problem…he is still there not as much but is there and it shows even though I try hard for it not to.

After reading this back I am always mindful that there are many others worse off. I say that again and again but I know its true and I feel bad about how overwhelmed I feel at times.

But I have to get back on the horse and keep riding that sucker. I have to keep moving and standing upright. I must believe and hope…or at least fake it until I make it.

A quote well repeated in various forms but in its simplest “With every end there is a new beginning” says it best…I need to stay strong and look upwards…the universe will provide…love and whitelight x