Unbridled truth…

Credit – You Tube Yellowbeard..Brilliant!

Tonight I offloaded a tad on Facebook. But it was only the tip of the iceberg. And in my most wondrous state I felt it only right that I enunciate my complete fucked offness with absolutely everything. Yes, could be construed as negative but sometimes speaking your mind is very cathartic. And sometimes, it just needs to be said.

After watching the debacle..I mean the debate with Chump I mean Trump and Hillary and wondering how one of the worlds most influential and powerful countries could allow an idiot like Trump to get as far as he has…or even be considered in the race I was gobsmacked.

I then decided I needed to get out of the house and my little self created asylum so I went to the casino…ohhh dear..

I was marched out of the Casino (Crown Perth) tonight (apparently I had imbibed a tad too much! No more than usual in my estimation but a young 20 something (!) seemed to know better and thought that my wonderful exuberance was far too much for that little black duck). Oh yeee of little personality. I can;t help that I am slightly theatrical, musical by nature…

Why was I there you ask? Yes, true I rarely go out these days lately. But, unfortunately in this one horse town a person of my age has really nowhere else to go, particularly when you dont have friends, as such (years of living elsewhere and also having an unwell child that although people would say “oh dear that’s no good” no one really gave a flying fig or bothered to ask you to join them or came to see you. Or maybe I was just too darned exuberant for their liking!!), really here in this town if you dont have much to offer you are persona non grata; you need to drive this car, live in this area, work in an acceptable job/career, earn a reasonable amount of money or be perceived to. hang out with the right people etc etc. Or else you hang around with the feral element who take drugs and drink copiously and crack you in the face without reason (tried that, doesn’t work for me somehow!). There is no in between.

Basically, I was worthy of attention tonight…Quel excitement!. Now this is not someone who dresses dowdily or looks completely like the locals do. I dress with certain pride and even if I say so myself look quite spiffy most of the time (I do wear Armani jeans par example or Ralph Lauren or many other wonderful labels albeit casual because in this shithole of a town there is nothing to dress up for and most of the locals would not recognise Armani if it hit them in the face!)!! And being quite practiced at inebriation lately it takes a hell of a lot for me to do as Yellowbeard does ie: https://youtu.be/iAbou95lCd4…ie Stagger, stagger, crawl crawl..stagger…crawl…ooops

And I didn’t..stagger etc. As I said. I quite hold my equilibrium well.

But I have to say, I found it hard today, yet again to reconcile why the bloody hell I am still living in this bastard of a place of no work, no personality or soul, unjustifiably high cost of living, stupendous lack of decent transport system and general ferality and classlessness. This is the one of most isolated cities in the world, very beautiful coast and pretty city, but no soul, no vibe, no….rhythm or prospects.

And then I had to to pull myself up by the bootstraps and say; you are here for your sons, even though early 20’s now, my eldest is very unwell and I can’t in all good faith leave him. So I stay in purgatory.

I had a great chat with Yank 2 earlier this week, another marathon and wonderful laughs and cerebral chat about the cosmos, life and everything in between. God I could imagine us being two oldies on the porch asking about the hole in the bucket dear Henry dear Henry..

But what I have been fighting is this constant thing in my head the last few days. That…man..the italian, the not so good one, for some reason keeps popping into my head at times and I keep saying NO..every time his name pops into my head but it keeps appearing here and there and even though I am completely fecked off with him and really cant see the point I cant seem to stop the ruminating about him. Sometimes, I think about the good times we had..what little there was but it was good and wonder how we got to where we got to..angry and hating each other. And. The end. Full stop.

Why does our brain make a mockery of the truth and only bring up mostly the good things over time and force us to ignore the bad…when there were feelings involved with a person.

Its not as bad as Narcissistic Yank 1, Joe or ‘him’ in the life beyond him, and that took me nearly 2 years to get over. But I am coming to realise I did ‘feel’ something for him. I guess that will fade in time, I thought it had but for dome darned reason this week…I guess..like Joe..time will help it to properly fade into nothing.

I am completely fascinated with the mind, the brain, our thought processes. And love and relationships. Right when you think you have wisdom and experience something happens and you realise you really know nothing at all.

I know I did not look at anyone this afternoon whilst out and that is not like me, I at least look. My roving eye is cured for now. I dont have the energy for it.

Maybe as Yank 2 said to me once “if you can find yourself an island of content, not one permanently cut off from others, we need others, but have that island at least, there is peace in that”. God I love his poetic soul! And he is right.

Now coming out of the black I need to find that island. Need to do things that feed my soul.

Right now I need to sleep…its 12.30am… later

Love and whitelight xxx

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Jollies and Jamesons..Love, tornado

Something quite unexpected happened yesterday when I saw the yank (2) again after a number of months apart. We chatted easily and laughed alot, both of us off our rocker, I hadn’t realised I had managed to down nearly half of a new bottle of Jamesons over a number of hours though but mainly whilst he and I were skyping. We do that, manage to chat for hours on end, marvelous happy and witty banter.

I wasn’t expecting to feel what I felt. I was in a sad way most of the morning about ‘him..T.G.O’, you know that horrible feeling you have in your heart and your body just feels sick inside. But you have to move through it, feel it, no matter how hard you try to block it out it is better to move through it..yes I have become quite an expert on this I have been there alot over the last few years with Yankees x 2 and the Italian (formerly known as the good one LOL).

I dragged my sorry arse to the local bottle shop yesterday morning and bought my bounty with the express desire to get numb again and continue to do so until I didn’t need to feel it anymore. Not very grown up behaviour for a 50 year old woman but life has been a bit merde lately, that’s my pathetic excuse. Yank 2 had always said to me my redeeming feature was my self awareness, I am certifiable yet very self aware.

Anyway, ironically and even though he himself had been out most of the evening in Chicago drinking and shooting pool, his ritual on his nights off driving. Sunday night (Monday in Australia) pool night at his favorite bar and Monday, well we used to Skype both nights on his nights off. Tuesdays were often for 7 or 8 hours, a bit less if it was a work night for me.

I now marvel at how we managed to do it but it was just like we were sitting in the lounge together spending quality time it was the only way to keep it going without being in the same country and time meant nothing we were always so engrossed. He would even many times end up only going for a couple of hours to catch up with friends or not at all because he said he didn’t need to anymore when he had me he preferred to just spend that time with me. He did not like to miss skype nights. We would write emails to each other daily, I would always wake to one and I would send one for him for when he finished work, before he went to bed. And we would speak on the phone too. I would say to him..go out, you need your time out and I truly meant it but he would always choose us.

It was funny because I knew he would do as he said the day before and want to skype yesterday. I looked forward to it. And when I saw him for the first time again I was shocked at how his presence or more so his charisma just came back through to me, his voice, his amazing smile. That wonderful brain. Some people just have it in spades.

But he was right on to it again he always managed to let me know my many faults; “have you developed a bit of a drinking problem?” (said he who drinks and smokes regularly and sometimes quite heavily) “How do you know?” I said. He just looked at me and said ‘Oh Roz’ and laughed. I told him about the Italian and how I was just going through the motions of relationship death roll and other things were difficult right now too.

I was about to ask him about why we just ended as we did a few days before I was due to fly out to Chicago as we had planned (it was me who ultimately told him to forget it, but…) and he must have sensed it because he said “do you wanna know why…(not finishing the sentence, not having to)” he said “I want to tell you why…When you see a tornado coming do you run to it or from it”. “A tornado? So I am a tornado” I said. “You know what I mean” he said. “Yes, I guess I do”.

The long but wonderful skype talk left me feeling happier (it seems the yank and I will continue to stay in touch as friends, I do enjoy our chats, but that is all I have in me for now. I woke to a text message from him this morning which was sweet), but I found myself milling over the ‘tornado’ comment and being tiddly as I was I knew I shouldn’t but I had to ask and the only one I knew I could was the Italian. So I text him (yes, again) and told him what the yank had said and he pretty much replied immediately that he did not agree with that comment. That was sweet of him considering. God I will miss him. In the cold light of the morning I realise how fucking crazy it was to text him but I wasn’t thinking straight last night. Will I ever again? Think straight?!

No alcohol today. My body has had enough and it is just playing with fire to keep that ridiculousness up. I need to treat my body with some respect. I need to refocus.

Love and whitelight xx

Train wreck or hot mess?..semantics

Either or, I am definitely one of those, a spectacular train wreck or a bloody hot mess at this time. I woke up and thought that the universe had seen fit to reward my bad behaviour by restoring my sight to 20/20 and then I realised I was so completely inebriated last night I had fallen asleep with my contact lenses in…AND I NEVER DO THAT…

It illustrated to me that I was so far gone and I am so full of remorse today because like a complete twat I wrote long texts to ‘him’ (formerly known as T.G.O..I can’t even bring myself to say it) and was basically barraging the poor guy. You look at yourself and say ‘my god, I have become one of them, those women that are pathetic…the stalking banchi’s you see going bananas and hammering a poor guy never leaving them alone’…I am a reasonably intelligent woman (some have even called me very so…meh) but I was showing no signs of intelligence last night.

Although everything else is up the shit right now, the only thing I seem to be able to feel deeply about is how I will never see this man ever again. And even though so much of us was not quite right all I can think of was the good and sometimes funny things about him like how daggy he could be and his retro terminology. He would love to make love when we were out of it, if we were I knew I was in for a bloody good time. Crazy times, at our age but fun and funny and so enjoyable. Not all the time, too tiring but special.

In the midst of the barrage last night something strange happened. For a split second there was complete clarity (yes even whilst blind drunk) it was like my guides were seeing how much I was struggling and in pain by it all and they gave me a message. A clear ‘aha’ moment where I realised that he and I had unfinished business from a previous life, there was a soul connection somewhere past and this was my penance in this life. It was like a karmic response to something previous and that I had to take that lesson and realise that we are not meant to be in this life. May never be but in this we are done. So I sent a message that I wished him love in this life and apologised for my craziness.

Off the planet, maybe so to some but I believe. So much of what is happening right now is as a consequence of past lives. There are lessons to learn and karmic debt to be repaid if I can put it like that, right now I am having trouble enunciating as I am still vastly hungover and tired.

Later today I may be talking to Yank 2 via Skype. He messaged me yesterday. It was a nice ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark stormy day. I missed talking with him and his crazy highbrow way and the things we discuss are sometimes so way out most would think we were definitely nuts but its great because he challenges me intellectually and I love that.

But relationship material we are not and I dont feel that way about him anymore. And part of me feels like I shouldn’t because I am betraying ‘him’ but that is silly because he no longer cares and I must let go. It was what he wanted. God I miss him already. So sad about it all.

I need to go and have something to eat and try to find a way to rise above this stuff right now….

Love and whitelight xxx

This is the split second..

I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non lucidity..it seems right and if you have toyed with the plan..it just may work..no..that is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or him..how often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE fade..in the memory in time…

I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.

Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the above..it has taken some of the impetus out of things.

Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.

So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything

But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.

It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.

Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs me..to an extent.

But it is becoming exhausting right now…

More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx

Life and love ‘fool’osophy…

I just realised its been a few weeks since I have written. These days I wonder where the time goes. But I needed to write today. A bit of catharsis. It’s the whole point of writing this blog, it was to help myself purge all the worries and just get it out there sans psych and post antidepressants and narcissists and broken hearts and pain of the technicolour variety. Document growth and learning. Share the human response although not as neatly wrapped and covered with a bow. Just authentic and at times brow raising and even funny.

These few weeks have been surprising in some ways, revealing. The months since I turned half a century it seems I have found a sense of inner peace even within the storms that rage up around me at times. It’s funny that when you let go of the death grip on life; trying to control and steer things that aren’t meant to be steered how much more freedom there is for the the real to come through. The real but sometimes scary.

The yank skype messaged me recently, yank 2. He said we should consider it closure and move on. Ahh, yeah buddy, that happened long ago. I’ve been enjoying the tango whilst you..well god knows where that complicated and twisted head is at but I wish you well. We both said ‘peace’ to each other. And I, at least, meant it. I’ve never understood how people who manage to have meaningful time together, have meant something to each other, can end up hating one another or can’t be friends. I still think of Yank 1,  rarely but he is there and I wonder why things became as they did because I know deep down the soul I felt many years ago is still good intrinsically. What changed him, I guess I will never know. And even though he broke me I will always carry a little piece of him with me.  He was the only one in all these years that really got inside.  It got into my brain and tied me up in knots so badly now that I read back I realise I was bordering psychotic. But that is the reality. Humans are complex beings emotionally. It has taken me a long time to get to the  point where I can let go, of anything. But I am ever so grateful I have got there.

But something strange is happening now that I don’t quite have a handle on. Never felt before, finding it difficult to describe, its like a slow burn…(not the negative connotation) something indefinable and my mind keeps saying ‘what the?!’ and part of me wants to run for the hills because that is what I do…or I did. Finding ways to sabotage what was good in a “I’m going to get going before you hurt me” defense response. Practiced, entrenched reaction. Covered up by the “I’m a bad girl, don’t fuck with me” facade. But its time to break that chain. And just flow with life, appreciate the experience because pain is reality but if you focus on that you will never allow proper flow and marvelous energy into your life. Yin Yang.

I’ve been seeing and talking to ‘the good one’ alot lately. Even last night we spent a few hours together in between his having to drop off and collect his teen daughter at her work  and time managed to fade into the distance for a while as we talked about life experiences and where we both thought we may be and why. A bit of love foolosophy. I quoted that phrase a while ago and I remember yank 2 being very impressed being the highbrow soapbox philosopher that he was. Little did he know I really didn’t coin it as such; Jamiroquai did in his song ‘Love foolosophy!’ although he may not have been the first I am sure.. Ha! Not that I condone plagiarism but he wouldn’t have known who Jamiroquai was anyway…LOL…

He (T.G.O) said he thought that ultimately he too had an auto run or switch off response which deep down probably had to do with past experience. I am starting to realise just what a good man he truly is and when he made his ‘I’m not sure you are my forever after’ comment ages ago he was being truthful, he doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else for that matter, he isn’t built that way. But he also needs to protect himself. He is able to show me vulnerability, an emotional maturity.  I see a difference with him and the way he handles things as opposed to many other men I’ve dated and known. His comment could honestly be construed as manipulative and clever, cake and eat it too but getting to know him as I have been now for a while…we’ve been on and off but always remained friends, I know he really means it. And I appreciate honesty, oh boy do I. Something Yank 1 struggled with and just shut down. An ultra intelligent man yet emotionally challenged and immature. Sadly.

So where is this going? I don’t know, but it is good….quite good;) and there is mutual respect and care. Real. All I know is that I am grateful for what we do have (particularly the ohhhh boyyyy! But that’s not all:) and I will enjoy it for as long as it is there. Why analyse it? It is my choice, I am ‘aware’. As an adult woman I should be. I hate the word ‘should’ but there it is.

I have worked hard on a ‘growth mindset’ . I remember reading an article by Margaret Gould Stewart, Vice president of product design at Facebook and has been with You tube, Ted  and google as well. An article called the ‘gifts of growth’ where she says:

A growth mindset is one that believes our abilities are fluid and changeable, that we can and will learn more skills and even new talents, if we work at it

As opposed to a ‘fixed mindset’;

that believes that talents and abilities are set and static; those with a fixed mindset tend to define their value by the skills they naturally have, and therefore failure at any level is crushing to the self esteem.

It’s very true.

I am grateful for my growth.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Acceptance, love and good energy

What a surprising few days it has been. Surprising and satisfying.

It’s amazing what happens when you accept and remain in a place of good thoughts, love and good energy. So much was hitting me at once I was feeling quite overwhelmed and then I remembered that I hadn’t done the work on myself since the yank 1 debacle and getting off years of antidepressants just to buckle under the rubbish.

So I gave it up to the universe. “I give it all up to you universe with love and complete faith and trust in you and I am very grateful for all my many blessings and abundance”.

And I did. I let the worry, the wank and the bullshit go.

My son got his botox injections, his father did pay for them and I was so grateful. He is still struggling, it takes a while for them to work and unfortunately the degeneration has progressed quite forward so there is no telling what the result will be but at least there is the promise of his writhing and jerking and some of the pain to slow down making things less exhausting for him. We have been in touch much more often and that has been a huge blessing. And I took my youngest son to lunch yesterday and bought him some much needed groceries, things that a student at University living independently can’t quite afford and that made me feel good, that he allowed me to do that. He usually gets really worried and says mum you cant afford to do this but I was able to say ‘I just got a job’ and I think that helped!

Yes, I got a job. A permanent job, in this terrible jobs market and economy. I had decided that I really did not want to go back into the stressful ridiculous work I have been doing for years and started to target work in my first career incarnation not long after I got out of School. Travel. I hadn’t worked in the industry for over 25 years and it seemed that even though I had a very good and long background in it (when I left many years ago I was second in charge of an office and a Senior) many were not willing to give me a chance. But I persisted. And I also accepted that I would only earn barely above minimum wage (there is an opportunity for bonuses plus other benefits and a chance to move up quickly) but I know the work is enjoyable and less stressful and that suited me just fine and it is a foot in the door of the industry again. So Friday, a day after my interview I was offered the job. Another blessing.

This will allow me to get an apartment closer to the city, so less isolated and much closer to my sons (my priority as I don’t know how much time I have left with my son) and also friends, who I couldn’t catch up with regularly because transport is merde out here in the sticks!

And Friday night I went out to dinner with ‘the good one’. He took me to dinner and we had a great time, discussed what was going on with us openly and honestly…which at the moment doesn’t need to be defined and I am OK with that because there is so much else going on and also I like having him in my life even if it doesn’t become ‘forever after’. And then we had a fabulous night of wine and music video and ohhhh boyyyy, always off the charts. He made me a lovely breakfast in the morning, it was all up a lovely time. And I was grateful that we are as we are with each other; no pressures no expectations, just friendship, a good friendship where anything can be talked about without fear or worry and just being.

I have let many expectations go realising that to continually push against the tide is futile and a waste of precious energy. I have come to accept that things will be as they are meant to be no matter how much you fight it but if you just let go and ‘go with the flow’ (I kinda hate cliche’s but…) the stress and worry just goes and a sense of peace emerges. I have been searching for that. Peace. Inner peace. It is a wonderful feeling.

For now I am happy to go with it. I want to enjoy the adventures to come but more so I want to enjoy this contentment and acceptance.

“his’ daughter, the “him” in life beyond him” is about to turn 13 August 2 if I remember correctly. At the time he was so love hazed he wanted me to be at his side for the party he was throwing her ‘in the middle of it he wrote me ” things feel bare without you here, I need my hostess by my side”. It’s been 2 years. It took me that long to really let all of that go. I had even written to him when I was in Sydney because right next to me was a building with the name of the company he works for in big bold writing and every time I went to work I would see it and it made me think of him, stupidly, even though at that time I was talking to yank 2. Of course he did not write back. I guess I just had to feel what I was feeling and move through it over time. It was the most difficult thing to emerge from. I really loved him. But I have emerged and for that I am grateful.

Life goes on…thankfully….Love and whitelight xxx

Relentless..cat ping pong…f%$#k NBIA

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. Well, right now I challenge that assumption (and who the hell was the smart fucker who coined that phrase anyway?!). Things feel relentless. Things feel so mind blowingly out of control that at times I feel like I am out of body looking at my situation from a parallel universe saying ‘what the fuck?’. Like I am the mouse frozen with fear rolling stiff as a board between the paws of the merciless cat as he just ping pongs me to and fro…

I spent the day with my eldest son yesterday and his disease (neurodegeneration with brain iron accumulation or NBIA) is progressing fast again and I know that time is limited and it hit me after he left yesterday. It left me a crying mess on the bed in my bedroom. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know how to stop it and that just kills me inside. He is now not in control of his body as the dystonia progresses, he writhes uncontrollably at times and often in pain and hearing him cry out for morphine…he was always a very strong boy pain wise so I know he really is in pain when he asks for it. He finds it difficult to speak now. You can just make out the words through the mumble because his tongue is not in his control anymore, he finds it difficult to eat. He has a tube in his stomach for when he cant. It is like he is trapped in a body that is failing him…I WISH IT WAS ME and not him. Why can’t I take that pain away from him?

Botox has been some help in loosening the limbs enough to give him temporary relief but it no longer available on subsidy. The government has pulled it. I don’t have that kind of money. His father does but for some reason chooses not to pay it anymore..probably to do with his controlling screaming harpy nutcase of a wife and the massive mortgage for the new mansion she talked him into buying….she has managed to destroy all relationships within his family and the one between him and I as well with her ridiculous insecurity. There is a reason why I divorced him biatch..I don’t want him back. But I do want him to communicate with me about my son and I want access to him (my son) which is not easy at present because of her and her Jedi mind control of him. Another out of control situation.

I can’t find work here at present, Perth is once again a lame duck as the mining boom has long gone and the idiot government here wasted so much money thinking the boom was forever that we are now in bad deficit and they are cutting essential services before anything else. I know I could if I go back to Sydney I would instantly get work but I can’t leave with my son fading now. I promised him.

And my love life reads like several bad episodes of ‘Days of our lives’. In a drunken stupor the other day (yes I am anesthetizing myself more regularly at present, it is the only thing keeping me from the nuthouse), I caved in and messaged ‘the good one’ about a week later, even after my brave talk about ‘the dance’ and he seemed content when I told him I am happy to ‘fuck him same place same time next week’…DONT JUDGE ME, I HAVE NEEDS…

Yes, I did use some harsh language and told him in no uncertain terms I am onto him..always was but I do like his penis, it is the best of a bad bunch at present. A distraction of sorts. He seemed to like my bravado and told me ‘I know I do your head in, but I really do like you’. Ahhhgh. What’re you gonna do?!

And more recently I find myself thinking that life in Arizona with the narcissist, amongst the rattlesnakes and scorpions may have been easier. I still at times have a mental picture of that photo of he and I when I was 16 and he was 25 (see my photos) and think..what might have been. He wasn’t a narcissist in those days. At least, I dont think so.

Ohhh, I am slipping…I am lost….what to do?

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

 

The universe works in strange ways

“Women are their own worst enemies. And guilt is the main weapon of self-torture . . . Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”- Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

I quoted this in a previous post well over a year ago but it resonates and this time for a different reason. I woke up and realised that yank 2 really didn’t give a fuck in the end. No thought to what we had built over the months of constant contact. And being the completely insecure yet ironically arrogant person he was it was easier because he has his flying circus around him at present…he is the centre of his universe. His needs are being met at present so my usefulness had expired. Took me a couple of days to wake up, but I did.

The last few days of at first crying in foetal position and just letting the day pass in either a sleep haze or a drunken stupor and then marathons of ‘Sex and the City’ my favourite series of all time; because it is guaranteed to make me laugh my arse off and remind me how ridiculous relationships between men and women and just life in general can be have worked somewhat.

I thought it would take more time to get over this. I am not completely over this yet but I am in a much better place than I thought I would be. But this wasn’t a ‘Joe’ situation. The ‘him’ in life beyond him. I realised that yank 2 hadn’t had quite the grip on my heart I thought he had, his final actions  how he chose to handle the end of things put paid to that and I guess just the fact that some of the work I did on myself when recovering from the Joe-tastrophy of nearly 18 months ago and just working on myself..post anti-depressants, psychoanalysis dealing with years of pain and abuse hidden…all up…I am much stronger.

The shit has literally been hitting the fan over these last weeks. Losing my job in an unjust way; and then yank telling me I was a ‘field of red flags’ and he didn’t doubt why I would have difficulty securing another job, a huge case of the pot calling the kettle, but ahh all I can feel is sympathy for him. There is a lovely soul in there somewhere but he himself was a real kind of fuck up too; we were birds of a feather. But I know where my faults lie and freely admit it. Flying back to Perth, where even though I am happy to be here and see my sons it will never really feel like ‘home’, not  like Sydney does. But I am here for a while until I sort things.

I was so pissed off the other day that I went out, did a shop of really expensive make up (I would not usually do that and I hate shopping!) had my hair cut, lunch and then spent the rest of the day blowing a good part of my ‘visit yank in America’ fund at the casino in the hope that I would snap out of hoping he would at the last minute write me a beautiful ‘I am sorry, I was wrong, I want you here’ email (I have blocked him on Skype now) and I would fly off to Chicago and into his arms and all would be right again.  I cried on the way home that night thinking how stupid I was blowing that money and that I was only hurting myself. He didn’t care, he’d shown that.

The next day feeling hungover and blue I realised it was my idiotic way of trying to save myself. To stop that wishing to be with him, if I didn’t have the funds…even if he changed his mind I could no longer afford to go anyway….BUT…

Something strange was unfolding. The universe saw fit to have that money returned..god knows without work I needed it but in my pain and sadness I didn’t care at the time. A number of other wonderful and strange coincidences occurred that pulled me out of my black reverie and made me realise there is a reason for everything. And I am grateful for the universe’s intervention yet again. When you feel you are about to hit bottom the universe steps in…each day I am more in awe of it…lets just say many things have and are happening right now that show me the power of the universe….wow…

The last few days I have had the support of ‘the good one’ I wrote about him about a year ago. Our friendship has lasted, his decency in how he handled things with me when we stopped ‘dating’ only served to create an affection and respect for him that no other man has been able to garner. He has said pretty much ‘I am here for you’ and he has been. He lectured me earlier in the piece about yank 2, well not lectured, he doesn’t do that but he is always honest with me. He is seeing someone and I am happy for him but I am glad we have our friendship. I only wish yank 2 was mature enough to have handled things better, I will miss our friendship and amazing talks. We did connect on so many levels. It is sad.

I get to see my beautiful son this weekend. His strength in what he himself is going through only solidifies my thoughts of ‘what right do I have to feel sorry for myself when he is going through what he is’.

I am catching up with friends today for lunch. My dear cherished friend is flying in from the States today and we will catch up in the next days….timing…

And yesterday I had a call about some temporary work, which I know will go some of the way to getting me back out there and helping my confidence after the last job.

All up, I have so much to be thankful for. THANK YOU UNIVERSE.

Love and whitelight xxx

Why do I do it? Feel it, move through it

I have been struggling today. After my decision yesterday to just obliterate the afternoon and night with alcohol because I just couldn’t stand the pain and sick feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Joe and I broke up but was also very different because this man was different in so many ways.

Fact of the matter is that he had a unique way of being able to show his vulnerability and then in the next breath he would speak strong and confidently and reiterate how marvelous he was (at times overtly narcissistic, even though having had a very recent experience with a true cerebral narcissist I knew he was not one)…at times I could not keep up with that complex to-ing and fro -ing he seemed to be doing. I think how he felt about us was similar. He wanted us to hang in there with each other and yet another time he would distance himself from the prospect of the committed relationship because he just didn’t need it, it seemed to him. He wasn’t sure about it, it was scary as hell to him I could see that. He was crazy, funny, complex, profound, childlike…it was a ride. At times I felt like I could feel his essence and then he would close off and I could not get a read on him and I remained fascinated and even though alarm bells went off here and there I could not bring myself to save myself from what I am feeling now at his hands.

We did over the times we would talk for hours on Skype discuss and share some very deep personal things with each other. Things I would never repeat because even though he has hurt me in what turned out to be a thoughtless and careless way I know that at times he will think back and feel a profound sense of loss at what we did have and he will know it was of  his own making, sadly. He did not give himself the chance to experience what could have been a love experience like no other, he was scared…once I said that to him and he freely admitted it. He was capable of seeing things that others took a long time to realise or did not at all. He was a special man in my eyes, even though he hurt me.

Me, well I am reeling from the shock that when it happened it was over so quickly. Yet I get the feeling that my intuition was right many days ago when I felt that all was not good and yet I still remained hopeful that the words we both had uttered over the last month or so, after a bad bump about hanging in there and weathering the storms because we both felt there was something worthwhile in the future for us, together.

I ask myself ‘why do you do it?’ keep putting yourself out there, taking that risk, knowing it could result in exactly what I am feeling now and have felt a number of times over but each experience more or less painful than the other? The ‘experts’ in life would say I am stupid; I court this drama and to some extent they could be right but I also know that the flip side of this horrible hurt is an amazing sense of wonder and happiness that at times you feel is so good you want to bottle it and keep it forever…the upside of opening yourself up. When relationships are new, or even long but going well there is nothing like it..feeling love for the person you are with is unlike anything else. Feeling that connection, wow. And I still believe in love.

Last night in my drunken stupor I wrote a long and at times perhaps slightly rough on him email although it is what I thought was true and correct. He had done something similar to me a couple of weeks back. But I was drunk and I did preface the email with that. But in the cold light of day today when I realised he really had let go of us the hurt was back but I realised that either way it was more helpful to myself to speak in more positive terms about what we had and to say goodbye with love, so I did. With the love and care I still feel for him but I know now that he has disconnected and I have had to accept that even this early in the piece because to hold on with hope will only prolong my pain. The chances are he made his decision much sooner than the actual day he let go even if it was a difficult one he tousled with for a time. It is just how it is. Hoping for some miracle that we will somehow make it in the end will only destroy me and I have had enough to deal with both over the years and even still.

With sadness I have let go. I will allow the odd romantic fantasy of us making it in only because I know you must allow yourself to feel the spectrum of emotions and work through it in order to emerge rather than descend into the dark place.

I miss him so, already it feels as if he has been gone forever. But I wish him well.

And now I must deal with me, try to see in front of me..a future. Often when depressed you can not see a future. I will not entertain this feeling for long. I can not go back to that place. I am unmedicated, have been for 2 years now after many years on it. I have fought hard to be healthy and stay away from the dark without that artificial intervention and I refuse to give in now. No matter what. No one can help me but me.

Love and whitelight xxx

5 days to 50…

Thing have changed alot since I started this blog. This cathartic friend over a years journey of self exploration and recovery. In the first days being back from the States I was like an automaton going through the motions. It hadn’t quite hit me that the love I thought was going to be for life…what I had mistakenly considered to the be ‘the one’was not, not real, not worth the time and effort; that I had allowed myself to dream finally that elusive thing that many had managed to find and I had not in nearly 50 years…this…thing…

Love is the thing, they say. Why do we crave it. Why do we hold it up like the Holy Grail which holds all the promise and joy supposedly only to have amazing lows and crashes; burns and pain…what is this thing…LOVE?

I have rabbited on about lessons I have learned over this year. The journey through illness physical and mental, growth and supposedly emerging at times as if yes that’s it  I am finally where I am supposed to be…supposed to? Where am I supposed to be? I should be with my kids; no wait a moment, they are no longer kids they are grown and even though my eldest is ….I can’t bring myself to mention it again right now as the last couple of weeks have been difficult…some circumstances have changed and I worry for him everyday, I miss them both, my boys, everyday, but I have just finally found a good job, some freedom and time away from what I have always considered my prison…the city where I was born…I am spending some time on me. Why does it still not feel right? Like I am letting someone down.

I am 50 in 5 days time. I watch everyone else handle this passage with great happiness and a feeling that the best days of their lives are here and me, I am still the same tortured soul I have been for a most of my life. Things just don’t seem to hit the mark, ever. The only times I can categorically say I am in bliss is when I have my sons in my presence and I am able to put my arms around them, love them and feel proud about the one thing in life I have done right. Had those two beautiful souls.

I have managed to almost sabotage another chance at love through my ridiculous insecurity. Only after some deep thought a couple of days ago did I realise that I am still reeling from not only the crushing hurt I felt at Joe and I not making it but also all the ridiculous relationships with the male species throughout my life and I judge everything still by those tragedies. I can’t seem to let myself just enjoy the experience and take it for what it is. Nothing in life is guaranteed except death and taxes as they say and yet I expect a guarantee now that I won’t get hurt, that this will last…am I really that wounded? I thought I had ‘got over it’. That is what most would say to me, it seems to be the catchcry of the so called successful human these days “just get over it””toughen up”…I am woman hear me roar…

5 days in which I am expecting that magic bullet…that wondrous feeling that oh yes I am finally about to embark on my best years….expecting, expectation, that’s it isn’t it I have expectations and I should know better.

To kind of paraphrase one of my favourite  authors Charles Bukowski; ‘ I am like a Rose that has never bothered to bloom when I should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting’

Am I actually in a kind of depression again?  I am unmedicated now; things rarely give me any joy or excitement; get my heart pumping and racing…is that another expectation? I am bored with the mundaneness of it all…. I am reading this back and it sounds incredibly dark and negative. It is as if I don’t know how be happy at times…has the sum total of all things I have been through finally jaded me. Oh I will pick up for a moment or two here and there; but just in general at present I can’t see a great deal of light. I ask myself ‘what is the point in all this?’.

I’ve spent alot of time looking back today; that, I guess is a mistake. We can not do anything about the past and we have little control over tomorrow…why can’t I be happy today. I am grateful for many things. Grateful for life itself. I feel bad about my feelings and often negative outlook. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day.

I miss my yank today. I know we will Skype date tomorrow evening as per usual and for the two days we do I will feel somewhat happy. He has a way of putting things into a simple perspective but says it in a profound way. He is quirky, funny, smart but almost childlike at times. He is handsome. Not what I would normally consider my type but maybe that is why this may just work, because he is not the ‘type’ I am used to. And he has become incredibly handsome to me. You know that moment when you realise that all of a sudden this person you are looking at makes you feel this wondrous feeling..a kind of awe…you look and start to appreciate every last detail; their eyes, their face, the marvelous way the lip curls as they express something, the beautiful smile….yes maybe I have found that elusive thing after all…time will tell..

Love and whitlelight xxx