Acceptance, love and good energy

What a surprising few days it has been. Surprising and satisfying.

It’s amazing what happens when you accept and remain in a place of good thoughts, love and good energy. So much was hitting me at once I was feeling quite overwhelmed and then I remembered that I hadn’t done the work on myself since the yank 1 debacle and getting off years of antidepressants just to buckle under the rubbish.

So I gave it up to the universe. “I give it all up to you universe with love and complete faith and trust in you and I am very grateful for all my many blessings and abundance”.

And I did. I let the worry, the wank and the bullshit go.

My son got his botox injections, his father did pay for them and I was so grateful. He is still struggling, it takes a while for them to work and unfortunately the degeneration has progressed quite forward so there is no telling what the result will be but at least there is the promise of his writhing and jerking and some of the pain to slow down making things less exhausting for him. We have been in touch much more often and that has been a huge blessing. And I took my youngest son to lunch yesterday and bought him some much needed groceries, things that a student at University living independently can’t quite afford and that made me feel good, that he allowed me to do that. He usually gets really worried and says mum you cant afford to do this but I was able to say ‘I just got a job’ and I think that helped!

Yes, I got a job. A permanent job, in this terrible jobs market and economy. I had decided that I really did not want to go back into the stressful ridiculous work I have been doing for years and started to target work in my first career incarnation not long after I got out of School. Travel. I hadn’t worked in the industry for over 25 years and it seemed that even though I had a very good and long background in it (when I left many years ago I was second in charge of an office and a Senior) many were not willing to give me a chance. But I persisted. And I also accepted that I would only earn barely above minimum wage (there is an opportunity for bonuses plus other benefits and a chance to move up quickly) but I know the work is enjoyable and less stressful and that suited me just fine and it is a foot in the door of the industry again. So Friday, a day after my interview I was offered the job. Another blessing.

This will allow me to get an apartment closer to the city, so less isolated and much closer to my sons (my priority as I don’t know how much time I have left with my son) and also friends, who I couldn’t catch up with regularly because transport is merde out here in the sticks!

And Friday night I went out to dinner with ‘the good one’. He took me to dinner and we had a great time, discussed what was going on with us openly and honestly…which at the moment doesn’t need to be defined and I am OK with that because there is so much else going on and also I like having him in my life even if it doesn’t become ‘forever after’. And then we had a fabulous night of wine and music video and ohhhh boyyyy, always off the charts. He made me a lovely breakfast in the morning, it was all up a lovely time. And I was grateful that we are as we are with each other; no pressures no expectations, just friendship, a good friendship where anything can be talked about without fear or worry and just being.

I have let many expectations go realising that to continually push against the tide is futile and a waste of precious energy. I have come to accept that things will be as they are meant to be no matter how much you fight it but if you just let go and ‘go with the flow’ (I kinda hate cliche’s but…) the stress and worry just goes and a sense of peace emerges. I have been searching for that. Peace. Inner peace. It is a wonderful feeling.

For now I am happy to go with it. I want to enjoy the adventures to come but more so I want to enjoy this contentment and acceptance.

“his’ daughter, the “him” in life beyond him” is about to turn 13 August 2 if I remember correctly. At the time he was so love hazed he wanted me to be at his side for the party he was throwing her ‘in the middle of it he wrote me ” things feel bare without you here, I need my hostess by my side”. It’s been 2 years. It took me that long to really let all of that go. I had even written to him when I was in Sydney because right next to me was a building with the name of the company he works for in big bold writing and every time I went to work I would see it and it made me think of him, stupidly, even though at that time I was talking to yank 2. Of course he did not write back. I guess I just had to feel what I was feeling and move through it over time. It was the most difficult thing to emerge from. I really loved him. But I have emerged and for that I am grateful.

Life goes on…thankfully….Love and whitelight xxx

Can you recover from the ‘Friend zone’?!

As I woke this morning that old familiar feeling “oh god, am I there again” was back. What am I referring to? That horrible thing called the ‘friend zone’. That thing you are relegated to if you are stupid enough to accept it because you really like someone and if you choose to accept becomes a ‘damned if I do’ situation that can be a hell of your own making.

I have been in regular contact with ‘the good one’. We speak very frequently now on the phone, in fact he has been a bit of a solace because right now even though other things in my life are going well my son has deteriorated again this time more rapidly and I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly that this disease may take him much sooner. He talks me through even though most times I don’t want to talk about it, but he tells me I need to have a cry sometimes and let it out by talking to someone. He often says “I don’t know how you do it” and to always know that he is there to talk to whenever I need him. And so far he really has meant it. To my surprise. And generally it is him that will message ‘hey, how are you?” etc.

My other son is currently here with me, he came over yesterday to stay the weekend and for us to spend our time together away from the pain and worry about his brother. Just us time..release.

But the night before (Friday night) the “good one” and I spent the  evening and night together which is also reasonably regular taking into account our jobs, our kids and other life factors. As a reminder, this was the the guy I referred to in my post “the gentle breakup…back on the horse etc” in October. Yes, we have managed to stay in the “friend zone” which is what he initiated and when he did originally I did not know if I could do it because I had already developed feelings and was feeling quite gun shy from that idiot self serving narcissistic yank whom I never think about these days.

We talk about anything and everything, we share intimacy and intimate things and we consider each other for the most part. We enjoy our connection.

But the other night as we were having a great time a few drinks and making out to music, we had a moment where we were talking quite openly where I mentioned this woman he had openly told me he liked, not long after the gentle breakup, he has known her for longer than I and wanted a relationship with her but she has been keeping him at arms length for a year and I know darned well that as a natural instinct we all but particulary men love a challenge; what we can’t have. Over time a fair number of weeks back he told me he had stopped calling her and had realised he was where I was trying not to head with him and gave up on her.

I’m not silly, whether he chooses to admit it or not I know I was his fallback in a sense because around that same time he started to contact me more regularly and we started seeing each other again and it has remained that way. He told me the other night she called him and asked to see him so he went to see her where she was working in a shop and said that he thought it was pretty much not worth pursuing, he had finally got  over it. So I revealed that over the last months I had been dating other men because we had no commitment and he asked if I had slept with them and I say yes. His reaction was slightly annoyed and indignant “I thought I was the only one” and I said “no, we weren’t committed and I told you I was dating others just as you were” “Yes but…” and I just  said “well, I am not dating anyone else now I am sick of all the wank and bullshit from you men and I don’t need that crap in my life with what is going on” he seemed satisfied with that but then proceeded to kiss me senseless and make love to me. Sheesh. I still to this day can not believe the double standard and I won’t tolerate it. If we are not committed, I am free to date if I want..which I don’t want to at the moment its too exhausting!

And then the oddest thing was the next morning we were cuddling and talking and he deliberately asked me more about what was happening with my son and more about the disease and I bloody well started to cry and he just held me, soothed me and gave me what felt like love and support. I was confounded.

So what to do? I wake up this morning and he is in my head. My instinct says do not fall for him again. Enjoy what you have but don’t fall for him because you were not his first choice then and you probably are not now. And I also think if this looks  like it is going go too far I need to get out before that happens but I will lose what I do have with him.

My instinct also tells me to leave it as it is, he initiating contact but me getting on with other things and not being so available. But am I wrong remaining in the “friend zone” well the “Friends with benefits zone” and is there ever a chance it may turn into something more and should I care if it does or doesn’t? I know I want a real relationship that gives me all that I deserve and not be second choice.

I am so glad my work has me flat out and long hours during the week. It is so full on I no longer have the time to think about this rubbish or the pain of my sons illness. And I am much closer to moving into my own place again and being closer to my sons, being able to do things without having to worry about money to do it with like paying bills.

I guess in essence I should just “go with the flow” and see where this takes me. Today I am going to enjoy my sons company again and go to the gym and try not to think about this friend zone rubbish. Get my strength back. The strength I’ve been working hard to get…

Love and whitelight xxx

 

Two weeks on…do not rely on recruiters!

Its been almost 2 weeks since my last post and things have changed quite quickly in that time. I have just finished my first week back in full time permanent employment…yippeee! And by goodness it feels so good even though I am quite tired mentally, but that is normal when you go back to work for the first time in a while.

There is absolutely no way I can write my blog during the week now, well at present, because I am up at 5am and on the bus by 5.30am, at work by 7am; yes it takes an hour and a half commute to work  (2 buses and a train ride and same back), that is how sprawled Perth is, I have a damned solid day at work (lets say usually I won’t get home til between 7.30pm and 8.30pm depending on if I go to the gym also for an hour after work, which I am keeping up because as I have said all along it is my natural antidepressant after 17 years on the pill kind….and now it has been 18 months since I came off them..and it also gives me physical stamina) which even though I have only just started the work is fast and thick, but I love it that way and these days I am physically and mentally up for the challenge! I worked hard to get to this place I did alot of work on myself over a very challenging time. I am pretty chuffed with myself, finally!. LOL.

I have to say that I got the job myself, not via a Recruitment agency..of which I am registered with at least 10 of them here in Perth. As a general rule they are OK, but, they have vested interest. It’s called KPI’s. And if they think you are not a sure thing for their numbers you won’t even get a look in even if you have a storage of experience but had to take some time out for personal and family issues. They are biased and flawed.

I think I mentioned recently in my last post that I was at yet another recruiter going through their standard bullshit, same rote line of questioning and these 20 something know it all’s told me I would have issues finding full-time perm employ because of my time out and that they thought it best to look at temp work to ‘get your foot in the door’; honey, the only interviews I got and went to over these last weeks ( 5 in total in a bad employment market) ie getting my foot in the door was not by your efforts, I went straight to the horse and the horse saw enough potential in me to want to interview me! No thanks to you.

So I called this last recruiter up, who gave me the attitude; oh yes there was more negative feedback and sage advice (not) at that recruiters interview, and I let them know I had secured a job and was no longer available…out of courtesy. “Oh, really, that’s good news; who is it with and who placed you?” thinking it was the competition that did and I just said ‘thank you for your time’, she said ‘please keep in touch, and let us know if you need any further help in the future’ WTF??!!…not bloody likely…and I am not giving you a contact for the business, you can get off your naive robotic arse and work for it!! March to those KPI’s hup ..2..3……LOL.

I am probably sounding a tad resentful, and believe me that is not my usual modus operandi these days but if you could’ve been a fly on the wall in that Recruiters interview with these 2 girls you would understand why I felt as I did. It was a long arduous road, and they weren’t the only ones who wasted my time. But it is over now. Relief. And grateful.

So the sky is blue, finally. There is still the issue of my son’s health but I can not do anything for him at this stage, except love him as much as I do. And I have to earn an income to survive and also get my life back on track. It will enable me to soon move closer to the city and closer to my sons so I can spend more time with them and that is my ultimate goal.

I realise now the rest of the shamozzle will sort itself, and it ain’t that important anyway!

On New Years I hadn’t made any resolutions, but I did have goals. I realised I had to prioritize and compartmentalise things and ultimately not only have faith that the universe would provide but also have faith in myself.

Life and many things can push you to the limit, but ultimately if you believe you will get through it, you will.

Another lot of lessons learned!  Love and whitelight xxx

 

Things do happen for a reason…

Yesterday on my way into the city for meetings and interview, even as the train broke down I sat in relative peace…felt peaceful because it hit me; even though we don’t always agree with what happens and things hurt us and are generally difficult or even ridiculous, after a while you realise that they occurred for a reason.

It may not have been part of your grand plan. May not have been what you expected, but as things unfold you get A HA moments and in that moment you know there really is a higher power (in whatever form you believe in) working behind the scenes.

I am starting to get more of the A ha moments; a learning and realisation. I love that feeling, when it does come to you and you smile to yourself with a knowing, a contentment.

Life is by no means easy right now, not alot has changed but things are moving and I am becoming acutely aware of things I never used to pay attention to. I now find myself realising the incredible waste of focusing on the past and looking too far into the future because in that you lose today. And that is something you can never get back once its is gone.

The experience with the men I have dated lately (bar one who showed me how a man can behave respectfully and he is still my friend), each time I have come to a greater acceptance that it is better to be alone than with someone who disrespects or abuses you or really only thinks about themselves. I want a relationship but I don’t need it.  I know what I deserve and I would treat my partner with love and respect, I would do anything; for the right person. It needs to be mutual. And they have made me realise how my pining for Joe over all these months (even writing to him at times still) was a ridiculous waste of time because even if he did come back, he was not the person I thought I knew and loved and he would never change and never be able to give me what I deserve; real love and respect, kindness and care and friendship. It is like the universe kept giving me the same kind of men and saying ‘learn the lesson. Toughen up, be wise and do what is right for you’ and at the same time it finally hit me that even though I was madly in love with him and thought he was different, Joe was those kinds of men but even more extreme and wrong.

I remember Joe (the yank narcissist) used to say; “I know how to treat a good woman”, “I want a relationship where you do everything together and have each others back no matter what” (I came to realise what the ‘no matter what’ entailed!) but with all of his mantras he was only prepared to be with someone that did things his way, acquiesced to his needs and desires, under his complete control, a woman who didn’t have a mind of her own and was happy to say “yes Joe, no Joe, how far do you want me to bend over the cliff Joe?” Anyway, that is done. I did in a drunken stupor text him very recently but now I am really done. I guess I will refer to him now and then, what happened with him was a great leveller, it broke me down, made me go in and deep, searching me and why things in my life were as they were, I questioned…stripped down to bare and dealed.  It has taken many months to rebuild and open my eyes.

But they are wide open now.

I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.  Even though the interview I had yesterday with a wonderful international company; which was  teleconferenced with a Manager overseas and here in Australia seemed to go well something tells me I may not have got the job..something is not quite sitting right inside of me..I am feeling things more intuitively lately, except when I have a glass or two of wine or a Dirty martini! But that is OK, there are other options coming forward from the other meetings I had and I feel a strong pull that all of a sudden the right position will just open up. That timing is a part of it considering other factors in my life like my son and getting to spend precious time with him before I lose him. things seem to be occurring to some weird timetable…I know that may sound slightly crazy..but it seems like it…

I have been off  antidepressant medication now for 16 months and in that time I have gone through so much including another depression but this was different and there was a reason behind it and now I look back and know the likelihood of it ever happening again is very minimal because of what I have learned and worked through this time, this one was meant to be. I know I will experience profound sadness but there is difference between depression and sadness and I know I now have tools to deal that I never had before. I know myself finally. I really like me now…finally. It took nearly 50 years!:)

Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

Freaking fabulous at 49…stuff the lamb!

The last week or so I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but the wondrous thing is I now know why and I fully accept and embrace these days and the future which I know will be difficult at times but also marvelous. Because I said so.

I won’t reel off the list of crap that still exists in my life, it’s in previous posts and frankly I get sick of talking about it because it is what it is and everyone has problems of varying degrees. In some ways its enough to make a grown man cry but I know that the strength gained over time this year has enabled me to say “oh fuck it!” (sometimes the power of the expletive is the only way to create the impact!) and after a good bawl I pick myself back up again and go at it!

I have written alot about how I have moved past depression without medication this time and done it over a very challenging period of my life. One of the biggest changes and mechanisms for a stronger mind has been exercise, a good diet and supplements (including high strength fish oil, B group vitamins, Probiotics and Super Greens). Cliche but true. And I do have Joe to thank for the exercise thing..he was my initial impetus and he was very encouraging in our beginning…something to thank him for!

There is mounting evidence that regular and proper exercise has just as much (if not more) of an effect as antidepressants and I have to say, for me, it’s true. The natural boost from endorphin’s and the like seems to bring a clarity that allows me to put things more into perspective and help allay the rumination that so frequently wears away at you when you have mounting pressures and an impending feeling of doom.

You need to take into account what the root cause or causes may be and go to the heart of it and do the work. I know, I have been there. By no means do I belittle the fact that for some ‘chemical’ imbalance or physical cause is the root and that is when traditional methods; medication and therapy are still the most reliable way to stay upright.

And there are days when amongst it all your body just says ‘NUP’, no way, so you listen and give yourself the time to rest and nurture your aching spirit. IE give yourself some love and care. Have that glass of fabulous red (or several in my case!), sleep that extra hour if you can, read a good book, listen to some good tunes, whatever makes you feel in the moment and brings your energy back to centre.

I’m not trying to preach. There are many blogs out there doing that already. I am simply writing about my own experience and maybe if it works for me it may for someone else. I started this blog for that reason..catharsis and connection.

So it’s Friday and old habits die hard! Years of working in the city and Friday drinks and the excitement from the unwind still sit in my wiring even though I am not working at present (not through choice but circumstance and believe me that is temporary, I am damn sure of that now I am well again and the brain is in ‘go get’em’ mode!)

Funny story; I’ve been doing the dating thing, well not as fervently as recently because I have finally settled into my own groove and rather than try work through the quagmire of men who only want to ‘horizontal mambo’ straight off the bat (seriously, I don’t know if it is just Perth men but it feels like they are spoilt for choice and behave like insolent teenage boys needing their quick ejaculation at any cost…and they get it!…or in my case one guy, 3 years younger than me, who keeps texting me out of the blue…persistent bastard…probably because I won’t give it to him! He is slightly seedy in the sex department, he showed me by his behaviour after one coffee although he was an hilarious bastard as well! Which is the only reason I haven’t blocked him! What? I like a good belly laugh:).

Then there is a 35 yo who every time he opens his mouth I hear ‘waaaahhhh’ and realise why it is he is still single….he needs a mother figure and I guess at 49 I’m it temporarily but he did have some redeeming qualities…somewhere, although I haven’t heard from him for  2 days now after I told him his temper tantrums won’t work with me and frankly I don’t care if he doesn’t message again.

I did speak to the handsome Italian 52 yo I was dating recently this week, it seems we may keep some kind of friendship going as he had said. He is going through a difficult family thing right now (and dating on the side, I’m quite sure….I don;t think I was quite ‘adventurous’ enough for him in the sack…fervent but not adventurous!). And it is true what they say about the so called ‘quiet, gentlemanly ones’! 😉

I am damned serious; some of these men out there really want some seedy shit, they want the porn queen in the bed and the saint in the kitchen and man trying to keep up with this crap is tiring so I am happy to just ‘be’, have a laugh when I want and just enjoy my new sense of self and freedom. (Well partial freedom, I’m still caring for my mum although she is becoming more self sufficient now as her leg is healing and my son is….not as well as he has been…nature of the degenerative disease he has but there is still so much light in him even so and he is well cared for and is kept occupied which is good for him…I wish it could be me all the time but there is another story in that…so I have to get on with my life when I am able…keep connected to life outside of the issues and keep moving forward as best I can).

So yesterday, in the gym the young lass said to me’ how old are you?’ after I was talking about stuff and I said ’49’ and she said ‘no way, oh no way, my god I thought you were 40 at the most, look at your skin and your energy, you glow, my god if I look like you at that age I would be very happy, awesome”.

And I have to say I walked out of there with a big cheesy smile on my face and I realised that for all the crap there are also so many blessings and things to be grateful for…. and even though recently one date said he thought I was a modern hippy! I don’t know quite what he meant by that but hopefully not mutton dressed as lamb…damn it stuff the lamb…mutton is tastier…slow cooked! hahaha