It’s funny how in the midst of all that is going and just when you think things are just ‘merde’ (french for excrement) all of a sudden the universe steps in and says I really am on your side, you just need to have faith!
I’ve been busy looking after my mum, she is currently in ‘peel me a grape’ mode but I really don’t mind anymore, I have made my peace with the past and let it go, finally. I have been a bit frustrated and sad about the fact that my son’s illness is progressing and there is not a damn thing I can do about and it in itself threatened to derail me but with effort, exercise and other things I am feeling the best I have felt in quite a while.
And there is still a worry about trying to get work sorted or start this business I have been trying to for a while but I am starting to realise that things happen when they are meant to and sometimes it is not until you really open your eyes you can see the minor miracles you get in life, the times that make you smile like a Cheshire cat and you finally appreciate life’s journey.
I decided amongst all the crap to join a dating site, yes, even though I had chaos going on around me I thought why not? Just out of the blue. Not an altogether sane thing to do when life is a bit messy. Not your casual hook up site but a slightly more genuine one, if you can really say that about dating sites! Something needed to take me out of the ‘I think I still love that raving narcissist even though he hurt me bad’ holding pattern I was in in my mind, and I had worked hard to try purge myself of. And for a while now I have felt it would be lovely to have a nice man in my life even after what I went through with ‘the devil’, someone to share the journey with. So I joined with the mindset that if its meant to be it will be. No rush, no fuss.
So, I managed to talk to a number of fairly nice men, just talk, I wrote some pretty straight up things in my profile and thought ‘that will sort the wheat from the chaf!’ nutters, twats and arrogant arseholes need not apply kind of thing but in a more subtle way.
Blow me down, all of a sudden a good one came…someone who has made me see that there are really some decent men out there that know how to treat a woman, right down to opening the car door for her…chivalry is not dead thank f..ck!
We have gone on some marvelous dates and are really enjoying the getting to know one another, but it feels like and it is mutual we have both found a real connection. It is easy, not hard. It is how it should be, relationships should not be hard. And last night we finally crossed the threshold (!) and by god it was worth the wait! Both of us wanted to wait but our feelings were so strong (both of us, in unison not just one of us in our head!) and it is the most wonderful way to express your feelings for someone. I am smiling…like the Cheshire Cat!
Now I know it is early days, and I have made some really stupid choices in men in my life and my past was a very big reason why I got myself there but these months of working on myself have paid off and I was very prepared to take things incredibly slow and let it go if it wasn’t right. I still am, I have learnt my lessons and I will not ever allow someone into my life that doesn’t consider me and treat me right. I would rather be on my own than bother with that and that is a giant leap for me considering my past history….for my new found sense of self after all this time, I am grateful.
As I write this he has just sent me a text ‘Good morning xxxx’, simple but thoughtful. He is like that. I appreciate that so. He smiles a beautiful smile and it is genuine. It’s a feeling you get and you just know. I hadn’t REALLY felt it before but with him I can. With him I smile, really smile. And we laugh alot. Our conversations are open and honest and no subject is taboo. I have always been open and very honest (to a fault), but it is nice to have that reciprocated and know that it comes from a good place…a true place. After these many tough months there is a warmth and happiness in my life again and I am going to cherish it for how ever long it lasts.
I started writing this well over an hour ago and just after I wrote the above paragraph he called me and we have been on the phone for a fair while. We are catching up again tomorrow, its soon and appears to be becoming regular which is bloody marvelous but also kind of scary too, but in a good way….I guess time will tell…..love and white light x