Remember the important things

I have tried to write everyday because at this point my mind is not in a good place and this has been one of my alternatives to revisiting my psychologist and a bit cheaper! This and pen to paper in my journals which I adore as I love to write. I like formal writing too but this is a casual, often filled with incorrect grammar and sentence structure forum. I know it, but in this I am lazy and find I just type the information as it bleeds out of my brain. 2 years ago my psych told me it was a damn good idea and as I have mentioned often for me it is cathartic.

As with many times over the last few days since my final goodbye to the Italian (the new ‘him’ formerly T.G.O) certain things pop up and remind me of him.  Just then the word cathartic reminded me of how twice but more recently the other day he asked me to define the word because he didn’t know what it meant. He had in fact asked me before a while back but didn’t remember that. But sometimes I think his responses were more his attempt at tongue in cheek humour and it did make me laugh, although it is hard to know. I guess I never will. I am mourning the fact that we both will never know each other properly, never took that chance to take the time to do so, put the effort in, without one or the other just wanting to end it as it just seemed too hard. Its what we both do, I can’t just blame him.

I so enjoyed my chat with Yank 2 Monday and felt quite struck by the depth of feeling I found I had for him still but it in no way comes close to my feelings for ‘him’. Yank was so very sweet and sent a message “please take care of yourself Roz, hugs xx” I guess he knows that the eye of the tornado is only momentarily peaceful.

I had to get out yesterday and just go and spent the day out because laying in bed sad, defeated and numb was just too much. I never thought I would be back here again so soon. On the train (I won’t drive when I have had alcohol) I found myself thinking how much had happened over the last few years it was like being knocked down in a fight and getting back up again only to be knocked back down again. Sometimes it felt like there were two fighters against the one, one on each side taking their turn.

I know I will be judged for the way I am not handling things, quite frankly I can’t also take on board other peoples opinions because if I allow that the weight of judgement and expectation would surely put me in the ground. I have learned that. And after my last bad depression and coming off the meds I made the decision to be open and out there about it, writing this blog and I am open on FB too much so at times. But I find it helps me from detaching completely. I already look at the world in a very different way than most. There is a lot of cruelty out there. Cruelty, lack of compassion and understanding and just generally low tolerance for whatever is judged as a person’s weaknesses. Its like a pack of hyenas always circling around the weakest of the pack ready to eat them alive. Right now I can not handle cruelty on any level. But it is survival of the fittest.

Sayings such as ‘suck it up princess’, ‘grow a backbone’, and then all this mindfulness stuff that raises the expectations of what we should be and makes those having a tough time feel even more like they are failing. Marketing in a commercial world gone mad. Its made us all feel we are sorely lacking in some way or that if we dont buy this, live this way, do this, present this image in front of our peers we are missing out. FOMO…classic marketing term “Fear of Missing out”. Sadly my marketing degree years ago illuminated to me all of these psychological angles and at the end of the degree I realised I couldn’t work in an industry that played to peoples fear and anxiety.

I am trying to figure out if I am a certifiable lunatic or just far too sensitive for this world. I dont have any degree of success in any kinds of relationships. The only thing I know I wanted to be good at was loving and caring for my sons and those I love.

I need to keep focusing on the important things to stay sane. I will get to see my eldest Saturday for the first time in a while, and that is a very big blessing. It is the only time I feel like all is right with the world just being in his presence and my other son. He tried to talk to me on the phone the other day but I could not understand the words as his tongue is now completely out of his control. Something so simple that we take for granted, being able to talk and swallow, eat and taste food.

It has been going on now for a couple of years at this level of degeneration and it is my constant companion in my mind and heart. It is hard to take. I have no control over it. And at a time when I should be strong I feel very very weak. Weak, confused about life and my place in it. I see no future, haven’t for a while, I have been keeping that to myself. All the noise I make about other things just covers up a well of pain that temporarily covers over and then is torn back open again.

There are times when I have stood up and fought and said ‘fuck you you will not defeat me’. Right now that strength has left me. Its day to day. Right now I need to make it to Saturday, to see my boy. Day to day.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Jollies and Jamesons..Love, tornado

Something quite unexpected happened yesterday when I saw the yank (2) again after a number of months apart. We chatted easily and laughed alot, both of us off our rocker, I hadn’t realised I had managed to down nearly half of a new bottle of Jamesons over a number of hours though but mainly whilst he and I were skyping. We do that, manage to chat for hours on end, marvelous happy and witty banter.

I wasn’t expecting to feel what I felt. I was in a sad way most of the morning about ‘him..T.G.O’, you know that horrible feeling you have in your heart and your body just feels sick inside. But you have to move through it, feel it, no matter how hard you try to block it out it is better to move through it..yes I have become quite an expert on this I have been there alot over the last few years with Yankees x 2 and the Italian (formerly known as the good one LOL).

I dragged my sorry arse to the local bottle shop yesterday morning and bought my bounty with the express desire to get numb again and continue to do so until I didn’t need to feel it anymore. Not very grown up behaviour for a 50 year old woman but life has been a bit merde lately, that’s my pathetic excuse. Yank 2 had always said to me my redeeming feature was my self awareness, I am certifiable yet very self aware.

Anyway, ironically and even though he himself had been out most of the evening in Chicago drinking and shooting pool, his ritual on his nights off driving. Sunday night (Monday in Australia) pool night at his favorite bar and Monday, well we used to Skype both nights on his nights off. Tuesdays were often for 7 or 8 hours, a bit less if it was a work night for me.

I now marvel at how we managed to do it but it was just like we were sitting in the lounge together spending quality time it was the only way to keep it going without being in the same country and time meant nothing we were always so engrossed. He would even many times end up only going for a couple of hours to catch up with friends or not at all because he said he didn’t need to anymore when he had me he preferred to just spend that time with me. He did not like to miss skype nights. We would write emails to each other daily, I would always wake to one and I would send one for him for when he finished work, before he went to bed. And we would speak on the phone too. I would say to him..go out, you need your time out and I truly meant it but he would always choose us.

It was funny because I knew he would do as he said the day before and want to skype yesterday. I looked forward to it. And when I saw him for the first time again I was shocked at how his presence or more so his charisma just came back through to me, his voice, his amazing smile. That wonderful brain. Some people just have it in spades.

But he was right on to it again he always managed to let me know my many faults; “have you developed a bit of a drinking problem?” (said he who drinks and smokes regularly and sometimes quite heavily) “How do you know?” I said. He just looked at me and said ‘Oh Roz’ and laughed. I told him about the Italian and how I was just going through the motions of relationship death roll and other things were difficult right now too.

I was about to ask him about why we just ended as we did a few days before I was due to fly out to Chicago as we had planned (it was me who ultimately told him to forget it, but…) and he must have sensed it because he said “do you wanna know why…(not finishing the sentence, not having to)” he said “I want to tell you why…When you see a tornado coming do you run to it or from it”. “A tornado? So I am a tornado” I said. “You know what I mean” he said. “Yes, I guess I do”.

The long but wonderful skype talk left me feeling happier (it seems the yank and I will continue to stay in touch as friends, I do enjoy our chats, but that is all I have in me for now. I woke to a text message from him this morning which was sweet), but I found myself milling over the ‘tornado’ comment and being tiddly as I was I knew I shouldn’t but I had to ask and the only one I knew I could was the Italian. So I text him (yes, again) and told him what the yank had said and he pretty much replied immediately that he did not agree with that comment. That was sweet of him considering. God I will miss him. In the cold light of the morning I realise how fucking crazy it was to text him but I wasn’t thinking straight last night. Will I ever again? Think straight?!

No alcohol today. My body has had enough and it is just playing with fire to keep that ridiculousness up. I need to treat my body with some respect. I need to refocus.

Love and whitelight xx

Train wreck or hot mess?..semantics

Either or, I am definitely one of those, a spectacular train wreck or a bloody hot mess at this time. I woke up and thought that the universe had seen fit to reward my bad behaviour by restoring my sight to 20/20 and then I realised I was so completely inebriated last night I had fallen asleep with my contact lenses in…AND I NEVER DO THAT…

It illustrated to me that I was so far gone and I am so full of remorse today because like a complete twat I wrote long texts to ‘him’ (formerly known as T.G.O..I can’t even bring myself to say it) and was basically barraging the poor guy. You look at yourself and say ‘my god, I have become one of them, those women that are pathetic…the stalking banchi’s you see going bananas and hammering a poor guy never leaving them alone’…I am a reasonably intelligent woman (some have even called me very so…meh) but I was showing no signs of intelligence last night.

Although everything else is up the shit right now, the only thing I seem to be able to feel deeply about is how I will never see this man ever again. And even though so much of us was not quite right all I can think of was the good and sometimes funny things about him like how daggy he could be and his retro terminology. He would love to make love when we were out of it, if we were I knew I was in for a bloody good time. Crazy times, at our age but fun and funny and so enjoyable. Not all the time, too tiring but special.

In the midst of the barrage last night something strange happened. For a split second there was complete clarity (yes even whilst blind drunk) it was like my guides were seeing how much I was struggling and in pain by it all and they gave me a message. A clear ‘aha’ moment where I realised that he and I had unfinished business from a previous life, there was a soul connection somewhere past and this was my penance in this life. It was like a karmic response to something previous and that I had to take that lesson and realise that we are not meant to be in this life. May never be but in this we are done. So I sent a message that I wished him love in this life and apologised for my craziness.

Off the planet, maybe so to some but I believe. So much of what is happening right now is as a consequence of past lives. There are lessons to learn and karmic debt to be repaid if I can put it like that, right now I am having trouble enunciating as I am still vastly hungover and tired.

Later today I may be talking to Yank 2 via Skype. He messaged me yesterday. It was a nice ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark stormy day. I missed talking with him and his crazy highbrow way and the things we discuss are sometimes so way out most would think we were definitely nuts but its great because he challenges me intellectually and I love that.

But relationship material we are not and I dont feel that way about him anymore. And part of me feels like I shouldn’t because I am betraying ‘him’ but that is silly because he no longer cares and I must let go. It was what he wanted. God I miss him already. So sad about it all.

I need to go and have something to eat and try to find a way to rise above this stuff right now….

Love and whitelight xxx

Martinis and Amy…

Posted too much today so not publishing the usual channels ie Facebook and the like, but I was drowning my broken heart and came across my old Amy Winehouse Collections and they go particularly well with Whiskey and Martinis…go figure..

Her voice, music and lyrics were amazing. Her lyrics were beyond her years and great story telling and this is just one that I love:

“Tears Dry On Their Own”

All I can ever be to you
Is the darkness that we knew,
And this regret I’ve got accustomed to.
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night.I knew I hadn’t met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached.
It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity.

[Chorus:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

I don’t understand
Why do I stress a man
When there’s so many bigger things at hand.
We coulda never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A perspective pushes through,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon.

I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.

[Chorus]

So we are history,
Your shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze,

[Chorus]

I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
‘Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets

So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above,
A blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My deep shade
My tears dry on their own.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My deep shade
My tears dry

See the clip in youtube here; https://youtu.be/ojdbDYahiCQ

The “I have lost my fucking shit today drama queen”!! Meaning ME!

Love and whitelight xx

Quite right! post mortem..

So I am sitting having a Jamesons’s (yes I know it was morning, but somewhere in the world it was evening…like Chicago for instance! LOL) and I get a text from him (the one formerly known as ‘the good one’) saying “I am sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted and also for the hurt I have caused you…I don’t know what else to say…sad face icon”.

Ahhh my answer to that was “how about nothing” like I asked (I said that words weren’t necessary from him because I had heard it all before those exact words in fact and I understood what was going on. And it was now done). It wasn’t necessary and up till that point I was OK with it all.

But he did that, all the time. Apologised profusely after making the hit…it was like he was making himself feel better. “I am sorry…I dont know why I am like this, I seem to hurt everybody. I dont mean to and I really hate doing it..” If you don’t want to hurt people then how about exercising some restraint and not doing anything to hurt about. I always found myself questioning “was he for real? or was he some carefully calculated manipulator?”. I guess I am still smarting from the narcissist and maybe that has made my view of everything slightly tapped. I know where my faults lay. I am perfectly imperfect!

But I guess that’s being harsh. Reading my last post I really do look like a hopeless lap dog that made a rod to beat her own back. Again. I went back for seconds and thirds over a year knowing fully well he was not capable of committing, for long. He got bored easily. Needed the next fix of excitement a new thing would bring. I dont doubt that he has his eye on one right now. Or maybe its the one he told me he could never quite get..the Makeup counter girl from Myer…the one that wouldn’t give in.   I remember what he said about his ex…the one before me where he did commit for 4 months (that was a longtime). And if that is the lesson to be learnt…well..shit I hope I have…But it is so hard to tell what is real these days.

I remember yesterday apologising for some of the things I had said in my blog the other night whilst drunk, drunk and over it all. He was particularly phased by my ‘insipid’ comment. I do not want to hurt anyone either, especially not him because of how I feel about him. Once again, I guess I will never know the true story about him. That is sad. Somewhere inside is the one I loved, I saw glimpses, it was wonderful.

Maybe it really was the shoe just didn’t fit…we tried 3 times. I wonder if I was the only one with that dubious honour. I know his ex wanted him back but he said no. He was not happy about a comment she made when they were out about being free to do what she needed and like me she seemed to drink too much, well I have lately, I wonder if there is a correlation?? I guess that meant that he was not as in control of that relationship. But I kind of wonder if she was feeling as I did…that he just wasn’t ‘there’ really there and knew it was a hopeless case.

We all react badly and never show our best sides when we are hurting. And love is the biggest hurt of all. I know he will probably read this and hate me. It hurts to think that even though I know I will never see him again. At the moment it is raw and I still love him. Once in a fight he said to me “you dont love me, you just love my cock”. I told him all men had cocks! Well, they do.

It’s my love of them that gets me into trouble unfortunately! but I digress…

Need more Jamesons…I think…straight up..just as I like everything…

Love and whitelight xxx

Easier to let go…hitting bottom

I just woke up, later than usual because I was awake at 2 in the morning and the previous days’ conversations if you could call it that with him and all of our journey to this point kept replaying in my head trying to find answers and I simply could not find peace enough to sleep. I finally did after I messaged him, it was like I had finally let go which was what I know he wanted anyway but did not have the courage to do it.

This was the one time I really did not want to give up. I thought we had a chance of growing into something really strong and special. When we spent time together and even just talking to each other on the phone the connect was wonderful. But over the last couple of weeks it was impossible to invest the time to create a stronger connect through intimacy both physical and spiritual because he simply was not available. Two or three times including Friday he would ring and tell me he was just too tired to catch up. The window of opportunity for us was narrow anyway but he made it even more so. I knew he was distancing but I simply did not want to follow the pattern that had been set of me walking away. As I said, I had fallen for him and had hoped that when he said he wanted to see where this may go he meant it. But actions speak louder than words.

Yes, in most of my relationships I have been the one to walk away. I walked out on Joe in Arizona (many would say with good reason), I called time with Yank 2. And so many of my previous relationships including my ex husband it was me but this time even though (I knew finally yesterday it was over) I sent a final message to him after 2am this morning telling him I would make it easier for him because he was always so worried about hurting me, it was actually him that had given up. He told me we both had to think about things but what he really meant was that unless I was happy to continue on his terms, casual and uncommitted he wasn’t interested. And I realised that no matter how I felt or what I did it was hopeless and I was only hurting myself. You cannot make someone love you if they don’t. And I had already passed the point of no return by falling in love with him, just friends was going to be impossible for me, sadly.

Two songs were playing in my head intermittently in my early morning unrest as well, I know it sounds quite mad but I often wake up or sometimes at strange times end up with songs in my head and it is like they are there as a kind of message. One was Christina Aguilera’s ‘Trust the Voice within’ lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaaguilera/thevoicewithin.html ) and the other was The Main ingredient’s ‘Everybody plays the fool’ and with that one the lyrics just ran through my brain at one stage;

Ok, so your heart is broken
You’re sitting around mopin’, cryin’, cryin’
You say you even think about dying
Well, before you do anything rash, baby, dig this

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Fallin’ in love is such an easy thing to do
But there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is gonna love you
Oh, loving eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean, it clouds your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it, when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason, is swept away
Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, you’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry, but when you do, next time around someone cries for you

Hey, everybody plays the fool, sometime
Use your heart just like a tool, listen baby
They never tell you so in school, I wanna say it again,
Everybody plays the fool

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Every plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I wanna say it again
Everybody plays the fool

Always loved that song, the lyrics are so true, always loved classic American soul and R&B from the 70’s.

So when I woke today I had a cry. I felt empty. I had managed to hit bottom again. No relationship, no job, no proper place to live, not much savings left, and barely seeing my boys for a couple of weeks through things out of my control, no real friends in sight, well yes I see the odd one or two on odd occasions and then there is Facebook and its easy opt out ‘messenger’ messages rather than real contact. The people I consider my best friends are in Sydney and Seattle. I can’t move for work to Sydney where there is much more because of my beautiful eldest and the fact I may lose him soon….I have hit bottom.

Funnily though right now I feel there is nothing much else to lose except my health and my life; I lost my mind a long long time ago!

My goodness…..humour…in the midst of the wank and bullshit. I feel extraordinarily calm. I know I will probably go through sadness at times about this in the next days. But I can’t help feeling that even with what seems like hitting bottom again the only way from here is up if I chose to not give in as I have felt recently and just be grateful for the lessons learned. Like I said, it could be much worse, many people are much worse off. This is yet another bad time in my life but hell I have also been through much worse and I have no right to feel sorry for myself when my son is losing his fight daily with something that cannot be altered…..

Universe, I am in your hands, I give it up to you in complete faith and accept that which cannot be changed. I just want some peace again…

Love and whitelight xxx

The morning haze…

I could do with more sleep right now. I feel…numb. I remember the $100 cab ride home from the Casino last night was emotional, poor bloody cab driver. I asked and with respect he kept quiet the whole long journey. I cried all the way home. I remember watching the white line that marked the edge of the road and how detached from everything I felt.

I had just text ‘the good one’ and simply said ‘goodbye’. That particular goodbye was not anything to do with what I eventually felt when I got home and continued to drink, feeling very very low and despondent. Instead of uplifting I had sad music on and downed several more whiskeys. I had been drinking most of the day. I remember referring to it as I chatted to someone I knew at the Casino as my anesthetic, my pain killer. I knew better but I just needed to forget yesterday, its just how I felt.

I wrote about how I felt last night late because in a macabre way I was also fascinated and wanted to verbalise how sometimes in a an almost split second you could feel such relief in the thought of letting go for good. I have actually been suicidal before and it was much more calm, sober and calculated than that and that was a real attempt. Last night was just a fantasy. Dangerous but real. But it was fleeting, because no matter how alcohol hazed I was my mind is much stronger now than its ever been, even without antidepressants and even with the shit flying everywhere. I owe it to my boys not to give up. They are my anchor to this earth.

In a strange turn of events not long after I posted that blog post I get a text from ‘the good one’; “I just read the blog you were telling me about, never contact me again”. I hadn’t written anything else for hours after I had sent the goodbye text, I hadn’t felt there was anything else left to say even though he text me back at the time “goodbye???”. I had come to that conclusion then because I had felt tortured for days about us and I felt it was my only option after he had once again told me he wanted to ‘give it a miss’, our supposed catch up last night. I had had it before and the nature of our relationship the to-ing and fro-ing had finally wore me out. It seemed every time he did the ‘I’m there, I’m not there thing’ it was like a knife making another stab wound, maybe a tad strong but we had been down the road of the merry and not so merry dance and I was tired of it. Not that he meant much by it, he just said he was tired and needed a night to himself. After talking with friends yesterday and explaining the dance they said it didn’t sound good and that I should probably let it go, and I kind of agreed. There is only so much I can handle right now, I feel worn.

But what had struck me a couple of weeks ago was that I had actually fallen in love with him. Against all sanity and better judgement, knowing fully what he told me he was feeling at the time, it still happened. I fought it, I did. After the Joe debacle the last thing I needed was another heartbreak and he had somehow managed to get in. I thought I was in control of it…dammit. Love. I have never been very good at it, in fact I suck at it.

So after he text me the “I read your blog..” I felt at first surprised. Then I thought, “no, you dont get to say that to me” so I text back. He was cross with me. He, was cross. There was emotion there. Something had driven him to FB stalk me (I do it too, check non ‘friends’ out sometimes, dont we all? Its not a crime. I would often look at his profile pic because I missed his beautiful smile) and finally find and read my blog. I had unfriended him on FB in a fit of rage a few weeks ago and was quietly glad because I didn’t want him to read my blog. Even though I had only ever pretty much wrote good things about him, I knew he would probably not understand.

I called him. It was late and he needed to get to work this morning (no wonder the poor bastard gets cross with me…and he rarely gets cross..well never really in front of me). He spoke to me in such a wonderful gentle tone..that feeling I get when am with him returned. Oh god, I am back to square one. Love SUCKS.

I guess, we’ll see. I need more sleep and lots of water…and a plan to get my sanity back..

Love and whitelight xxx

This is the split second..

I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non lucidity..it seems right and if you have toyed with the plan..it just may work..no..that is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or him..how often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE fade..in the memory in time…

I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.

Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the above..it has taken some of the impetus out of things.

Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.

So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything

But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.

It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.

Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs me..to an extent.

But it is becoming exhausting right now…

More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx

Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx

Life and love ‘fool’osophy…

I just realised its been a few weeks since I have written. These days I wonder where the time goes. But I needed to write today. A bit of catharsis. It’s the whole point of writing this blog, it was to help myself purge all the worries and just get it out there sans psych and post antidepressants and narcissists and broken hearts and pain of the technicolour variety. Document growth and learning. Share the human response although not as neatly wrapped and covered with a bow. Just authentic and at times brow raising and even funny.

These few weeks have been surprising in some ways, revealing. The months since I turned half a century it seems I have found a sense of inner peace even within the storms that rage up around me at times. It’s funny that when you let go of the death grip on life; trying to control and steer things that aren’t meant to be steered how much more freedom there is for the the real to come through. The real but sometimes scary.

The yank skype messaged me recently, yank 2. He said we should consider it closure and move on. Ahh, yeah buddy, that happened long ago. I’ve been enjoying the tango whilst you..well god knows where that complicated and twisted head is at but I wish you well. We both said ‘peace’ to each other. And I, at least, meant it. I’ve never understood how people who manage to have meaningful time together, have meant something to each other, can end up hating one another or can’t be friends. I still think of Yank 1,  rarely but he is there and I wonder why things became as they did because I know deep down the soul I felt many years ago is still good intrinsically. What changed him, I guess I will never know. And even though he broke me I will always carry a little piece of him with me.  He was the only one in all these years that really got inside.  It got into my brain and tied me up in knots so badly now that I read back I realise I was bordering psychotic. But that is the reality. Humans are complex beings emotionally. It has taken me a long time to get to the  point where I can let go, of anything. But I am ever so grateful I have got there.

But something strange is happening now that I don’t quite have a handle on. Never felt before, finding it difficult to describe, its like a slow burn…(not the negative connotation) something indefinable and my mind keeps saying ‘what the?!’ and part of me wants to run for the hills because that is what I do…or I did. Finding ways to sabotage what was good in a “I’m going to get going before you hurt me” defense response. Practiced, entrenched reaction. Covered up by the “I’m a bad girl, don’t fuck with me” facade. But its time to break that chain. And just flow with life, appreciate the experience because pain is reality but if you focus on that you will never allow proper flow and marvelous energy into your life. Yin Yang.

I’ve been seeing and talking to ‘the good one’ alot lately. Even last night we spent a few hours together in between his having to drop off and collect his teen daughter at her work  and time managed to fade into the distance for a while as we talked about life experiences and where we both thought we may be and why. A bit of love foolosophy. I quoted that phrase a while ago and I remember yank 2 being very impressed being the highbrow soapbox philosopher that he was. Little did he know I really didn’t coin it as such; Jamiroquai did in his song ‘Love foolosophy!’ although he may not have been the first I am sure.. Ha! Not that I condone plagiarism but he wouldn’t have known who Jamiroquai was anyway…LOL…

He (T.G.O) said he thought that ultimately he too had an auto run or switch off response which deep down probably had to do with past experience. I am starting to realise just what a good man he truly is and when he made his ‘I’m not sure you are my forever after’ comment ages ago he was being truthful, he doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else for that matter, he isn’t built that way. But he also needs to protect himself. He is able to show me vulnerability, an emotional maturity.  I see a difference with him and the way he handles things as opposed to many other men I’ve dated and known. His comment could honestly be construed as manipulative and clever, cake and eat it too but getting to know him as I have been now for a while…we’ve been on and off but always remained friends, I know he really means it. And I appreciate honesty, oh boy do I. Something Yank 1 struggled with and just shut down. An ultra intelligent man yet emotionally challenged and immature. Sadly.

So where is this going? I don’t know, but it is good….quite good;) and there is mutual respect and care. Real. All I know is that I am grateful for what we do have (particularly the ohhhh boyyyy! But that’s not all:) and I will enjoy it for as long as it is there. Why analyse it? It is my choice, I am ‘aware’. As an adult woman I should be. I hate the word ‘should’ but there it is.

I have worked hard on a ‘growth mindset’ . I remember reading an article by Margaret Gould Stewart, Vice president of product design at Facebook and has been with You tube, Ted  and google as well. An article called the ‘gifts of growth’ where she says:

A growth mindset is one that believes our abilities are fluid and changeable, that we can and will learn more skills and even new talents, if we work at it

As opposed to a ‘fixed mindset’;

that believes that talents and abilities are set and static; those with a fixed mindset tend to define their value by the skills they naturally have, and therefore failure at any level is crushing to the self esteem.

It’s very true.

I am grateful for my growth.

Love and whitelight xx